₦airaland Forum

maclatunji:
OP, why did your wife marry you if she is so uncomfortable with your identity?

I understand the dynamic of spouses being against their in-laws for often silly reasons but this your wife's case seems extreme.

Did you portray yourself as a man who did not care about his extended family during courtship?

Oga. D'you believe everything you read here??

MrMoRitz:
God bless you for saying what i thought abt too..

Most people leave their parents right after university or while in the university

so just because u live apart from your family and then you visit, your younger brother should be acting this way? So for example, u live in lagos or abuja and visit home with all d gifts and still one black sheep is not satisfied and is hell bent on making your stay miserable?

You better confess why you think your brother is "hell bent on making your stay a misery"

what did you do to him?? Why are you trying so hard to bribe him with gifts??

eyinjuege:
Whether abroad or not, OP is entitled to at least an equal share of his parent's property unless otherwise specified in a will by the deceased.
Whether he had to travel abroad, or relocate to Lagos while his siblings are in the village with their father is of no importance while trying to share inheritance.
How many of us still live with our parents after school, and getting a job?
Because we don't live physically with them doesn't mean we don't talk to them, or remember them by sending some token to them when we can.
That doesn't even mean does in the village/same town with them are pulling their weight.

In theory yes. Otherwise, I doubt anyone having to do hard graft in Naija will see it that way. His brother probably feels he was left to cater for their parents and now their father is no more, the older brother despite his "wealth" abroad, has returned to take the little they have left to survive with.

Once you travel abroad, the perception is that you've made it / are making it even if that isn't the case. Now I know that isn't right but it is what it is. Besides @op has been showing off and his actions and words are far from subtle.

The more I read his story, the more I emphasise with his younger brother, especially as @op feels he's better than him.

Food for thought: Even if the property are shared equally amongst them, what stops the younger brother from taking over @op's share (on the pretext that he's helping @op look after them) once he returns abroad?

MrMoRitz:
Once again,i thank everyone here for their opinions and advise...i cant wait for the new year holidays to come and go, lemme fly back and leave this my toxic environment so i dont end up doing what im gonna regret

But of course.

MrMoRitz:
I am not been economical with the truth...i just said it as it is...and between,even if there was any problem with properties, which wouldnt even happen as i wont even cheat him out of it as we jointly own them and like seriously,i dont even think of the properties aspect, was he thinking he is d only child all d while i was outta Nigeria?i dont get it..my parents love me so much,i was born 11years after their marriage so its kinda expected...but they equally show him equal love too..i am not understanding this at all with my bro...and talking him out is out of it because d moment i take him out and we spend nice times together,it always ends up with his usual behaviour of wanting a fight with me so i stopped it

We're always skeptical of stories where the narrator comes blazing in with stories of being victimised, trying to paint the accused of being the devil incarnate or rather in your case, the sibling from hell, etc. Try as much as you may, you don't come off smelling of roses yourself.

Let's give you the benefit of doubt even though it's as clear as day you're trolling: from your (badly composed) write-up, you PRETEND not to know the whole ish with this brother of yours isn't about property? Seriously??

You claim to have left for the USA eight years ago, living the happy content life, but while you were away, who was left to look after your parents in Naija? Your brother. You were funded / sent to the States by your parents while your brother had to face the harsh realities of the Nigerian environment - don't you think he smarted from it? Are you that insensitive??

Go through your write up. "My bàstàrd brother did this, did that, I had to go stay in a hotel for days, yardi-yardi-ya..."

Sorry sir but you sound like a show off. I bet you must have returned in cheap flash clothes from Walmart, blowing phonèr with I wanna-wanna like Yankee just arrive, looking down on your "bush" brother.

Now you've come to claim property as the first born and you pretend not to know the genesis of your issue with your brother? He should beat you up proper, abeg.

And for what it's worth, you don't come across as someone who's lived in the States. Where you sabi for that side?

MrMoRitz:
Right now, its either i kill myself or this stupid bastrd of a brother i have.i have been away from Nigeria since 2008 and i just got back.i actually came back to Nigeria for the funeral of dad and i have been around ever since trying to keep my mum and brother ok.meanwhile my wife and i just had a son 2 months before i lost my dad so i made a tough decision of leaving them overseas and flying down to Nigeria to observe all burial rites as his first son and because i missed him so much,i couldnt bear the fact that he would be buried without me seeing 1 last time.long story short,after all my late dad's family bullsh^ts during and after my dad's passing away, i have an immediate younger brother(infact my only brother, we are just 2) who behaves so stupid i cannot even imagine i have an only brother like him.He wants to fight me every minute since i have been in Nigeria.i have done everything for him but nothing seems enough.i even have to force myself to stay away from the house to avoid a full blown war with him.I am scared i might kill him, or i will kill myself because all the stress im passing through right now is too much.Left for me, i am this quiet and peace loving happy guy, enjoying my stay in the Nigeria after a long time, while having to deal with my father's death, younger brother's stupid behaviour etc
I am seriously considering flying back to my base oversea and be with my wife and son and totally forget abt Nigeria...every one make me feel hurt xcept my mum

Right now, he is even threatening my mum in the living room and yelling out, calling my name to come out from my room and fight him if i can
Note that i had only just come back from lagos today after a couple of weeks because of this same behaviour...i had to be in hotels or squating with friends whenever he behaves like this...on this trip today, i had to force myself to come down to be with my mum for the holidays no matter how he will behave while i am home, but behold he starts again...
My mum is helpless too, she doesnt want to arrest him or do anything abt his insults to us...she justs tells me to tolerate and its getting really out of hand...i swear...
I DONT WANNA HURT HIM BUT HE KEEPS GETTING WORSE WITH THE INSULTS
i heard this is exactly how he behaved too while my late dad was alive and while i was overseas...no wonder my dad passed away (wondering)
Pls help me nairalanders...dont really know what to do

You've said a lot without actually saying anything. Are you trolling??

legalexpert:
mmm, are you sure there isnt more at stake? are you sure no be property fight he dey warm up for? be patient? sometimes he might feel cheated that he took care of daddy and u are just coming to show up that you are the first son.. sometimes being elder means being more patient. i suggest a family meeting as opposed to police action, also be wiling to concede some things for peace to reign... no matter what he is your brother and you cannot throw him away.. if he spoil na your name

The bolded sounds about right seeing as @op is being economical with the truth.

cococandy:
It's not even that she's getting the money outside that's the problem. I don't think it's a huge deal if the husband is aware that someone gave her(them) money. Circumstances differ.

It's just that the guy is an ex and she dumped him for this man she married now. Wow. I'd be mortified to ask an ex that I left for money to give me the same money I thought he'd never have.

what will he think? "Good for you."
I guess.

No. I'd rather suffer in silence and wear my best clothes in case I ever run into him. I'm fine o. I don't care how bad it is but he must never know.

I just love this babe

baby124:
Just block her. Also tell her to meet her parents for solution to her problems. They gave her the solution once before by offering her a husband from her hometown. Maybe they can provide for her now too by plucking money from the tree in her hometown. Tell her she made her choice to suffer through thick and thin and that you need your own money for your future family. She should deal with her own problems while you deal with yours. Tell her she is greedy and should be content with what her husband provides her and you are glad you didn't marry her as she would have disgraced you just as she is disgracing her husband begging for money on Facebook. Smh.

For a woman, this is such an embarrassing read, I tell you.

Her husband's business has run into difficulty but what's the best solution she can come up with?

Beg. An ex for that matter.

Smh.

2black1:
I was just wondering if it is general or if I am the omly one who feels this way.I remember how much euphoria that surrounded the arrival of our son.I do not feel the same way now even though our daughter could arrive anytime from now by God's grace. What do yo guys think?

Sure you do.

You and you only know exactly why you aren't happy with your creation. Why're you asking us to second guess what on your mind? We aren't mind readers.

farous:
.......and has spent his savings to augment this for long........, Now he has no left over again to keep supporting the salary......

I asked you why the wife isn't working. Why won't you answer the question?

Or is this your his coded way of begging for money online??

Why isn't his wife working to support her family?

cococandy:
tell me about it. This one I have here is a tiny-little bombshell of terror. Gosh.

Lol! Tell me about it.

En route to do my pressie shopping. I've finally got the Xmas bug oh!

edwife:
I like that girl, you had too much testosterone around, she brings fresh air...

I am not going crazy this year, i told them to wait for their presents and what have you when we reach Paris. Their uncles, aunties and the rest will handle them.

Lol! I hear you.

Spent 3 hours queuing up to see Santa in his Grotto yesterday...phew! But at least a little someone's happy.

The Christmas dinner's on me (as usual) but will be going over to SIL's for Boxing Day. Need to get a box of chocolates & some wine for them.

edwife:
You are lucky, don't they have school Christmas play or church? Mine knew at about 3.

Lol! Got that too for her. Christmas play in school (done), and that for church. She's been practicing her lines

Gratefulaheart:
You call not wanting to stay with an inlaw for a prolonged period of time mksplaced pride? My dear, i call it self preservation.

Self preservation of what? If you don't mind my asking?

No matter how good the mother in law is, conflict is ubiquitous and human will always be human.

Same way as conflict can and does exist in any relationship be it between spouses, siblings, parents, friends, work colleagues, etc. What matters the most is how conflict is handled and resolved. That's the true test of maturity.

She's better off staying with her own family than with an inlaw where issues might arise and her feelings or mother in laws' feelings will get hurt along the line.

Is she now? I mean better off staying with her family than her inlaw? On what grounds? Sentimental reasons no doubt.

I didn't read about her family coming forward and offering any help. What I read was his mother stepping up and offering to give his wife part of her stock to trade with FREE OF CHARGE, in addition to suggesting that whatever her son sends his wife, madam should keep aside as savings / pocket money.

Tell me something: how many people do know of out there (especially during this recession), who'll offer you free stock to trade with and keep the profits to yourself without asking for a Kobo in return?

Some of these issues might dent their relationship to an irreparable extent. No wife wants to be in that place.

With a mindset such as this, it's little wonder a lot of young married women create issues for themselves where there aren't.

You don't go into marriage expecting the worst from your inlaws! This is a woman who sees her son and his family struggling to make ends meet. She offers to take in wifey and kids into her home thereby providing a roof over their heads and stability. Stability which that family so badly needs and in the process has the added burden/ responsibility of feeding extra mouths and yet you see nothing good with her offer?

That poor woman is making huge sacrifices for the betterment of her son's family and her grandkids. This is what real motherhood is about and not some misplaced sense of entitlement.

Whether you care to admit it or not, mama has a heart of gold.

blogAlive:
Far from it. Op is a concerned neighbor and friend of the legal wife, who will like to see justice done and expose man inhumanity to his/her fellow man.

Sure you do.

blogAlive:
Dear nairalanders, there is a new development o. The mistress has given birth. And her family are planning a naming ceremony in the man's house. Meanwhile, the legal wife took to your advise and she is back in the house, with some of her own family members. The husband has gone to jos on a one week training from his office hoping to be back during the naming of the child( a boy).

It seems there is going to be commotion by friday, the date for the naming.

Also the legal wife has reported the case to the police, being civil as she is, she needs justice.

Pls do you all think this is right, and what other further steps should she take, because right now some of the family of the mistress are already moving things into the house in preparation for the naming ceremony and causing inconvinences for the legal wife and relatives who came to be with her in case there is fight.

She is keening listening to your comments and advice, guys. Your words have gone a long way. Keep them coming in.

Subscribing...

This is almost as good as Hints!

ayobarmy:
Once again, I want to say a very big THANK U, to everyone on this thread, I decided to stay quite for a while, allow intellectuals to argue on this issue, and it's beginning to get interesting.... To answer some of the questions, My wife teaches in a private school with her Ssce result before we met, but after a while she started facing series of problems from her ogas mostly the men, to the extent that one idiot almost had canal thing with her forcefully, all in the name of giving her a job of #7000, monthly salary,... So I placed embargo on her going back to teach..... I will be back to answer more.... Thanks

So teaching is where your wife's skill is. Then in that case, you'd better lift that embargo of yours and both of you should look for schools run by female heads i.e. female principals or headmistresses. You can't assume just because she had issues with randy male bosses, she should give up teaching entirely.

In addition to that, she can offer her services from home as a private lesson teacher to nursery/ primary school pupils for a small fee. Spread the word around through family, friends, your church etc.

Gratefulaheart:
Efe, for the first time, i disagree with you. 98% of women wouldn't want to stay with their mother-in-law. I for one will prefer to keep drinking garri in my own house than to move to my mother-in-laws' where I'd be eating chicken.

In marriage especially where very young kids are involved, practicality should take precedence over sentimentality.

@op mentioned in his opening post that the very nature of his job is mobile and takes him from place to place. Initially he started off by taking his family with him to wherever employment might be based on sentimental feelings that his family should always be with him, together. Good intentions yes, but was it practical? No. Why? Because it was beginning to have a negative impact on the dynamics of his family - I.e. wifey couldn't settle down to do anything tangible that would add to the family's income AND the constant change of schools was starting to affect his son's performance.

This is a very young family and like most new unions, finance is a big issue. He already touched on how he's already spent quite a lot trying to help wifey set up a business in addition to the N20,000 he spent on her to learn hairdressing but to no avail. His family is struggling financially otherwise he wouldn't have mentioned this or the N20,000 spent. I mean this as no disrespect to @op, but seriously what is N20K? That's roughly £33 and shouldn't be that much of a big deal, but it is for them.

Re: The bolded part of your sentence, this isn't about you or rather, this isn't about just his wife. There are kids involved here now and yes, it's 100% better for them to live in a more comfortable family household eating chicken everyday rather than soaking garri out of misplaced pride. As a mother, your kids' comfort come first over everything else, at the expense of your own comfort.

And just to pick your brains: do you honestly think he'd suggest moving his family in with his mother if he could afford a separate accommodation for them? Who will pay the rent? Who'll pay for feeding including the soaked garri you mention? Who'll pay for all the other bills (utility, fuel, etc) to run that place? His non-working wife? Pls, let's get real when giving out advice on here. This isn't the Romance or Jokes Section.

What the OP needs to do is to hava a talk with his wife and ask her what exactly she really wants. Trading/entrepreneurship is not meant for everyone. She may be better off getting a jo,b depending on her level of qualification. What OP really needs to be sure of is if the wife is ready to work or she is just the lazy type. If she's the lazy type, then that's a whole different issue.

You say you disagree with my suggestions but the bolded bit of your sentences here alludes exactly with my advice. I stated very clearly that I personally would detest having a shop / business set up for me on the assumption it's what I want when that could be far from the truth - meaning this suggestion wouldn't work for everyone, hence my asking him what wifey did for a living before getting married, as per that may be more in line with what she might prefer to do. Abi?

Having said that, yes, I agree that he should have asked her what she wants to do / can comfortably do to add to the family's income. However, that doesn't negate the fact that mama still needs to be in the picture. Otherwise, who'll look after their very young kids while she (wifey) is out hustling?

Seriously, do people like her still exist?

Well she can marry the pastor/church now. Talk about misplaced priorities.

Mtcheew.

byvan03:
Oohhh! Is holiday and I still wake early to attend to their stomach infrastructures. They have been on holiday since Dec 10th! She is being normal .

Since the 10^th!!!

Nne, Odikwa risky oh

No, not worried about the boys as dem sabi cook & clean. So they can sort themselves out.

Sigh. No time to watch Nollywood / African Magic. Speaking of which, abeg recommend one or two good ones for me jare.

Amelian:
Hahahahahahahaha

You sef know na.

Seasons greetings, babes.

byvan03:
;DFunny enough my kids are yet understand that Christmas is a big deal, they just think they are having holiday fun. They picked gifts but they felt is just an outing gift. It will be tough for me if they start attaching decorations ,singing and what not to it, I can't deal. Let them understand it's a big deal when they can do the decorations and whatever for themselves. I sell kiddies part time and virtually open new clothes for any important outing, they don't know what Christmas clothes mean either . No one to torture me with demands that are season related.

It's not even that sis.

My teenage boys are cool and will happily sleep past midday. But madam's up before the crack of dawn with her demands.

I just want a lie in. Why do I have to wake up sooo early too? This her school no do me well o! Dem for keep them till Friday the 23^rd.

BoboYekini:
Just take it easy. Hot blood.

Amelian na area mama

baby124:
Doesn't seem like the wife is very mature or realistic. In this day and age she's giving excuses when the opportunity arises to learn a skill so she can work. OP needs to sit her down and have a realistic conversation with her. Times are hard so plan very wisely and spend wisely. If you can afford getting her a place make sure she is not idle when you are away. Find a place close to your mum so she can help in the shop. Trading aka buying and selling is also a skill that needs to be learned. So if you decide to open shop for her in future she will know what she is doing and not waste your money.

I'd detest the very idea of someone opening a shop for me on the assumption it's what I want to do / must do. What if it isn't?

That aside, what I see with @op's suggestion that she camps with MIL while he's away, is free childcare - thereby giving her an opportunity to pursue her dreams, and companionship.

Yes, companionship. Contrary to popular views that living with MIL is all doom and gloom, it doesn't have to be that way. It all depends on how the dynamics of that relationship is handled. Besides, he admitted to having kid s, and with a marriage just five years old, his children must be very young (toddlers/babies). It's no mean feat looking after very young kids and running a business/studying/managing a career.

So mama is very much needed in the picture. For now.

edwife:
My ladies miss you guys.

efemenaxy
chillis
cococandy
byvan03
kimoni
ifyalways
damiso
naijababe

How are you doing? I smell Christmas and you know me, i get agitated like a 3 years old.

Ladies, am I the only one going crazy here??

How can one little person be soooooo demanding?? I'm starting to think I shouldn't have taken time off work when madam is on holidays too, Christmas or no Christmas.

thelish:
Dad is too afraid to talk now oo. as he would be labeled a wizard.lol
If ur not in support, u are probably a witch or possessed by a demon.

Lol!

Believe me, I totally understand.

You know say pessin no dey chop for winch house otherwise dem go catch witchcraft.

So apply the same principle to money. Dem no dey take money from witches and wizards hand too, abi?

Some mothers sha..

thelish:
Dad is very much alive. They live together. Her own is, every other person comes first before her. Except her kids hubby n mum. Her mum, that is my grandmom is even tired of d whole situation. She can give pastor 30k for recharge card but she doesn't have 100 own on her phone.
Thank u jare. I don tire sef for d matter

Then be brutally honest and upfront with her jare.

Let her know just how tight things are at your end and you're struggling to keep your family afloat too in this recession.

How can she meekly give out her entire pay pack to those scheming "pastors" then expect you to give her more money just to fund them?

Fact is, she works so it's not like she hasn't got any money coming in. In fact, seeing as you lot provide for all her primary basics (food, clothing, shelter) and even the secondary ones (re-charge cards, fuel, etc), her earnings are pocket money / jara.

Abeg I dey vex, Thelish.

Zinny25:
I am depressed

Why?

hrt broken

Why?

sad.

Why?

I need friends that can help me.

How?

Sometimes I get tired of living.

Really? How come?

@op. What was your wife doing for a living before you both got married?

Congratulations mami

They do look adorably cute but they've got too many layers on, especially if you're based in Lagos / Naija.

maysimsimple:
Thank u. I wished I can tell u all of it. Everything that goes on behind the close door. I'm moving on gradually, just that loneliness is biting me hard. God is my strength

How can loneliness bite you this hard seeing as you follow 250 women? That's almost one woman per day in a year, excluding weekends and bank/public holidays.

Anyway, you say you're from Abakiliki. Isn't that the region where a woman works like 5 men rolled into 1, carrying 50kg bags of cement on her head, and hustling by the roadside for work, be it on construction sites, farming, back-breaking manual labour, etc? While the "husband" does nothing, takes life easy, and toasts everything in skirts / wrapper?

Seems like your wife got tired and decided to drop off the dead weight that was slowly killing her.

Loisemm:
Some women and mothers are like this. They regard their pastors more than their husbands or family. I almost thought your dad was not in the picture. Late (God forbid) or away. Or is he not close to mumsy? Is she one among other wives?

bukatyne:
@thelish:

Anything you want to do, do in kind:

Buy her raw foodstuffs, fill her gas, buy her Ankara or office wears, fuel her car etc.

Don't give her cash.

If she would give the food stuffs and Co to the pastors, change it to prepared i.e. cook the food, sew the materials etc.

As a poster said, over religiosity is a symptom of a deeper issue and what"s your dad's view on the issue?

Or did she have a difficult marriage with your dad and turned to the hands of the church for solace? If yes, you will need to apprepricate the pastors because they did their bit and you honestly do not know the succor they provided.

Thelish, these ladies have beautifully captured what I was going to say & suggest. Take Bukky's advice about not giving her cash or raw food items. Also respond to Loisemm's questions.

I too thought your dad was no longer in the picture (apologies for thinking that), but the fact still remains that your mother is using those "pastors" to fill the void in her life, especially now that her kids have flown the nest.

Again, what's her relationship with your dad like, and what are your dad's views about this?

There are three things involved here:

@op is either the polygamous man, the embittered first wife, or just an attention-seeking desperate blogger.