₦airaland Forum

RoyalBlu:
Now the 'aunt' part got me


Yes, 'basic' in the context I used it, means he's just being a conformist. No originality.

Like he wants to be seen as one who has swallowed the 'redpill'

This is explanation of yours has severe a knock knee. But no wahala, I was expecting you to become excited and throw kitchen "sink" at innocent me.

To Mr. Op, we shouldn't condone nor forgive a partner who happens to be a cheat, whether male or female. It is not easy to detach yourself from someone you love that cheats, but it is in your best interest to bid him/her goodbye. Most abuse/disrespect takes place with the consent of the "abusee."

You have to forgive the young man for the mis-characterisation of your gender. It is the consequence of the rabid act of my brothers, who are, sometimes, confused about their gender.

However, I didn't see anything amiss from the chat I just read. If someone wants to do transaction online, it is very reasonable to enquire about the name of the seller of a product that you are about to purchase. Granted, it is possible that the young man approached you without an intent of buying anything, but you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. The unvarnished truth is that you transferred aggression previously bottled up for members of this graveyard, whom you have little or no regard for, to this young man.

What a bad-tempered saleswoman!

I didn't see anything amiss from the chat I just read. If someone wants to do transaction online, it is very reasonable to enquire about the name of the seller of a product that you are about to purchase. Granted, it is possible that the young man approached you without an intent of buying anything, but you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. The unvarnished truth is that you transferred aggression previously bottled up for members of this graveyard, whom you have little or no regard for.

What a bad-tempered saleswoman!

I didn't see anything amiss from the chat I just read. If someone wants to do transaction online, it is very reasonable to enquire about the name of the seller of a product that you are about to purchase. Granted, it is possible that the young man approach without an intent of buying anything, but you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. The unvarnished truth is that you transferred aggression previously bottled up for members of this graveyard, whom you have little or no regard for.

What a bad-tempered saleswoman!

Hathor5:
I wouldn't overlook it in my siblings. I would call them to order.

There is an ocean of difference between calling "her to order" and sending her packing for an indiscretion that should ordinarily warrant a little rebuke and correction. No matter how strict you are, there are some infractions you will pretend not to see. Not because you don't know what to do but because you can't possibly chastise a person all the time. The Op probably doesn't understood the immense reward that awaits her, if she endures and guides her sister-in-law to become a woman capable of taking care of herself.

RoyalBlu:
This doesn't make any sense.

This line of reasoning is too lame and basic.

Haha! Aunt. If his reasoning is "basic," it is normal and essential/fundamental, which means you have declared support to his viewpoint.

RoyalBlu:
This doesn't make any sense.

This line of reasoning is too lame and basic.

Haba! Aunt. If his reasoning is "basic," it is normal and essential/fundamental, which means you have declared support to his viewpoint.

Would you send her back if she were your sister? Why is it difficult for most women to tolerate and overlook some of the excesses of the their in-laws as they would do to their siblings? I don't support her misbehaviour but it is something that has to do with growing up, something that is not supposed to warrant you scheming to kick her out.

Everyone at one point was thoughtless and carefree, yet we were guided by someone until were able to get our acts right. Since you have pointed out some of her misconducts, why not discuss with your husband to caution and advise her, instead of announcing your misguided thought of seeing her leave your house. She is just 20 and an undergraduate, haba, she won't live with you forever.

Having read your chats between the line, it is clear she is not into you the way you are into her. The fact that you pester for material stuff is another reason for her aloofness towards you. Asking members if you should let her go is bunkum, because you simply can't let her go, you are the one proping up the relationship for futuristic materialistic gains. We know that getting access to America is your endgame, why put forth a nonexistent feeling of love as your reason for holding the short end of the stick in the relationship.

I am worried that you comfortable dating a women eight years your senior and someone with an uncommon health challenge. Just imagine if she is Nigerian and without this health problem, a lot of people should have questioned your sanity. Why is it that when it comes to aged white women, young Nigerians become daft and senseless, seeing them as an easy escape from poverty?

Marriage as an institution has no problem, it is how the people behave in it that gives it bad publicity. The truth is that marriage comes with a lot challenges. It is sometimes unbearable, especially if you are unfortunate to encounter a little-minded partner. It is childish to use your past as a tool to haunt and abuse you, when he knows you don't have anything to do with it anymore. Does it mean he doesn't have a past?

Your story is very, very pathetic and sadden. You can't continue living this way, because you are slowly losing it. Why not think of a way out: involve his family and yours, the church, and any person you know he respects. Walking out of the marriage or separation should be the last resort. Whatever decision you make, note that you need to start living.

Yes, nairaland is a space where abuse reigns supreme. Maybe it is because of the toga of "anonymity" it confers on members, so some people are irresponsible and careless with their comments. Or because the raging gender war makes objectivity very difficult. For example, some ladies will always defend their kind even if she is wrong, all in the name of protecting the "sister code." Ditto guys.

It is very wrong to state that women are unfairly targeted in this forum. All genders are routinely shamed and abused, perhaps it is the emotional aspect of you ladies that make you think it is lopsided. No, it is not, even though it shouldn't happen in the first place. In fact, some members --men and women alike -- are notorious for "genderised" outlook. Although these negative words, sometimes, are not directly used to putdown anyone, but to portray what obtains in the society. Some people take umbrage and become irrational when some of the inadequacies of their gender are pointed out. I believe this constitutes as "abuse" against women to you.

There is another kind of abuse the Op did not noticed. It is what I call "intragender" abuse. For instance, women who have divergent views that challenge or deviate from the mainstream expectations, are chided, derided, and called derogatory names. Men who show "too" much love and devotion to a woman are upbraided as being effeminate and emotional.

Your wife ptobably didn't take your incessant complains about her sleeping position serious because she would have that if the 17-year-old were your daughter, you would be so stupid to be aroused merely by seeing naked body and have the temerity to open this thread. So, I would advise you treat this issue like will do to your teenage daughter who is not sensitive about body as a woman.

I won't pretend that there is no element of temption in the way she sleeps, but it is something you should overcome and be able to control yourself. You are the master of yourself, therefore, you should be able to triumph and "kill" this issue either by ignoring or by sending her away. Unless you have been looking for a way to abuse her and blame her for being responsible for your lack self-control. Even if you hire a new maid or bring someone that is a teenager won't there be another tempting challenge?

Raising of somone does not only consists in providing for his/her physical well-being alone. No, it is this in kind situation that your fatherly duty to her as someone under your care is most expected. And see how innocent she is even when "nude" in your presence. Therefore, you have to suppress all amoral and vile thoughts and see it as an opportunity to play fatherly role in the life of teenager.

Who says you can't "buy" a man when you possess strong financial wherewithal and has shown readiness to put your mouth where your money is? Are men that expensive? I don't think so. At your age and class you are supposed to have gotten yourself at least a dozen men. Maybe you have paid little attention to one of this feminist theories and have unwittingly unsettle not a few for publicly declaring that men are scarce.

I am conflicted: so happy and yet, so, so worried about you. I am elated because the arena you treaded in is one that has the potential to solve your problem. So people many who worshipped in this sanctuary have had a hard time recounting their testimonies. I equally feel upset because, knowing how unsparing my brothers are in sending private message to any monicker with feminine feature, I am not sure you can handle the deluge of messages that would certainly torpedo your account. In any case, you are, for sure, on your way of "buying" yourself a man.

To win her back means to start meeting your loan obligations without defaulting. How could you use money gotten through loan to gamble, when you know you don't have backup somewhere? What were you thinking? Why are you behaving irresponsibly when you have someone that cares about you and is willing to be sorty to you?

If she decides to jilted you, I am fully in support of such a decision, because no sensible person puts up with such of thoughtlessness and stupidity.

How can you make such a weighty accusation without an unassailable evidence to buttress it. I opened this thread with the expectation to see what your evidence is, but was mortified at the nonexistent of none. Madam, I am sure what you had was just a nightmare, don't railroad your innocent husband into it.

Madam, have you forgotten that you are are still a legally married women, why are you making marriage proposal with another man? It appears you not have learned anything from your present marriage. Why did grant your husband an approval to explore when you can't handle it? Is divorce the solution to your problem? I am startled at the speed at which you find this lover boy. Has he always been on standby, waiting for the auspicious oppirtunity to formalise his mission? There are many dots that need to be connected in your story. Just cool things a little, settle with husband, and do whatever rocks your boat.

The new guy on the block has found a seemingly cheap and easy woman to frolick with and will employ all the tricks in the book to make you fall. But the good news is that you can see through his games, and aren't comfortable with his hasty disposition, yet the adventurous part in you is nudging you take a leap and damn the consequence. If anything, his marital history is a clear pointer, at least to your conscience since your head has refused to obey your mind, that all that glitters are not gold. Until you unravel his marital history, you might be unwittingly making the proverbial movement of "from frying pan to fire."

This is one of the damages European culture and Christianity has done to the Igbo culture. In the past, our ancestors have a way of tackling this challenge to ensure that the woman won't become promiscuous or bring in a child with paternity question marks. Yes, brothers do inherit wives of their departed brothers, and can procreate if and where necessary.

Sadly, our world has been turned upside down and a new culture has taken precedence. Yet some practices of the old still hold sway, like marrying more than one wife and spousal inheritance. You have two options here: either you step up and perform your family duty, or you permit her to look and satisfy herself outside, which includes the possibility of birthing a child.

Since you can't get ago of her and if she gives in, you can practise interfaith marriage. A lot of couple are doing it and it is popular in the west where she comes from. I see problem coming from your side because your family might want to ensure that she is of similar faith to them. Have you discussed the possibility of converting her to your religion in other to smoothen and obviate this barrier in the marriage process. My point is premised on the unprecedented fluidity of religious conversions in the west in a way that doesn't happen in other places in Nigeria.

Don't ever pretend that interfaith marriage has no consequences. It is more manageable if it is what both parties bargained for and are willing to make adjustment to accommodate one another. In this way, nobody will complain of being emasculated.

I think the originator of this piece, the Op, and some commentors should make concerted effort to understand the meaning of "value" and then reexamine their posts to see if they have significance/Value.

All humans -- whatever gender, at which ever stage of development -- have got VALUE.

Forgive me for doubting your sanity, because I don't think any person sane will tolerate such rubbish just to save a relationship. And to add salt to injury, you provided part of the money used to pay for a house you are routinely shoo like an animal. Even animals have rights, too. Then, what exactly are you?

Even if you didn't contribute to the payment of the house, you need to remind yourself that you are a human being and not an object to be discarded in a huff. Tell the baby-man you are dating that he should starting treating you with dignity, even though you seemed to have accepted your fate.

Acmepreneur:
Humans are only attracted to material things. Only few percentage are different.
I see why people like me, its because of my looks and achievement or my intelligence, I hate that so much. I have noticed that severally, for instance,there was a time I told someone my mum was in the US, and he saw me, I was not looking good, with a very bad cloths, looking lean etc at the bank. I went to do my post graduate test at university of Ilorin, I took just one cloth, so that day, I lost my ATM, I quickly ran to the bank looking like a tattered person sha. (I'm bad at dressing, I don't care at all how I look)
So I met this person at the Bank, and stupid me, I greeted him with smile and everything, after sometimes, I noticed he stopped chatting with me, then later said I'm a lier, I told him my mum was in US, bla bla bla. Which means hes a friend and trying to be nice because he thought my mother was in US,and that day he felt disappointed.
I also have a friend that was extremely close because my mum was in the US, and after NYSC, she distanced herself.
These are people that I told them because I was explaining something else, not because I wanted to tell them my mum was in the US. It was my NYSC year my mum travelled there and it made me to suffer well well. So maybe sometimes, I can just say mistakenly that my mum called now that shes just getting to Texas and continue the discussion, I never knew they stored that part where I said my mum was in Texas.

Then another thing is that whenever I dress well, people in banks etc, would start asking me stupid questions if I were a senators child etc and start giving me special treatment.
I have also had people walk up to me because they think I'm from a rich family.
There's this friend of mine always asking when I'm leaving the country, the guy is rich and extremely intelligent, hes a doc. Hes always trying to push himself on me because he thinks I'm from a well to do family.
Sometimes, where they sell food, they would give me more than I bought, treat me with smile etc.
When I have discussion with people, they get so hooked, liked me and force friendship. These are people I would love to be friends with, but because material things is their attraction is a turn off for me.
Even one of my professors while I was doing Masters became close to me when he heard that I was the best student of my set during undergraduate, he started calling me in his office and became more friendly.

But when I'm not looking good, not speaking in public, I often get the worse treatment on Earth. But once I start talking intelligently, you will see them flocking around me.

even my parents, when I dress well and look good, I notice the difference in the way they treat me.Or If I have just won an award or bring my result home. And my boyfriend too, he will start loving me more when I look my best and sometimes when I'm over stressed, and fat, I notice the difference.

People will always be people, and I'm a realist,

I find your interpersonal experience and relationship a bit surprising and confounding. It is clear that those people who approach you and demand you conform to certain standards must had have information about who you are. It is true that some people device a lens through which they view and treat others. Sometimes, this lens is tilted to what degree they would benefit from getting close and being friendly to you. However, it is incumbent on us to find an appropriate module when in their mix that does not distort reality. And this, to me, is the kernel of your challenge: You have to unlearn and relearn some of views about human personality traits, in other to properly relate and interact with people. If not, you are, sometimes, bound to misinterpret innocuous but highly sensitive words that people freely and carelessly utter. And when it comes to dating, at least from your experience, you are a neophyte. So, quicken the pace of your learning process and don't forget to be broadminded as well.

I am curious about your encounter with the professor, whom you felt disappointed on for judging you unfairly. There are two ways to be noticed by your teacher: either through your grade or through your contributions in class. However, some people find it difficult to communicate in class, even though they understood the topic of discussion very well. It is the duty of the teacher to seek out these people and encourage them to "kill" their freight, or communication deficiencues.

Acmepreneur:
I'm proud of him, I just want him to be respected. Money and position is respect. I'm a realist, people are not angels, thats what they respect.
I don't visit his parent because I was no where, now I can because I'm better.
Since I discovered how humans are physical, I don't trust anyone with some things again. I live with people physically, if I'm your friend, I know that being nice to you and making you a parasite is the only thing that can sustain the friendship and thus, I keep it like that.
If I want to visit people, I look my best because people are attracted to beauty and money.
I'm going to visit lecturers, I buy gift, thats because that is what would make them think you are a responsible person.
Myself for instance, don't care about materials or physical, I'm a very deep person, that really put me in a mess, and since I got that logic, I'm physical with people.
Coming to your inlaw house with no money, no matter how Godly they are, they will fill somehow. I can't type again, I hope you understand sha

I can clearly see that your problem has to with your ideological posture: realist or realism. But realism without a good dosage of idealism will create a distorted view of reality, or human personality. I am not impressed with your concept of interpersonal relationship. It is staid, stilted, and casts humans as overly mean and calculating.

What I find jarring is that your realistic ideas have been seemingly unhelpful to you in analysing or determining the outlook of your relationship. Or is it that you have figured out your future already with a man at stand-by, hence your "I must marry next year " dictum.

Since you have earmarked next year as the expected year to settle down, I don't see how your guy is going to tick all your boxes. If I tell you I didn't had a deep-throathed laughter at your ultimatum, I would be telling a lie. How come you suddenly realised that age is an opponent you must defeat? It is even more worrisome that you can't invite him to see your parents. It shows an indictment on your part to his personality. Why stay with someone whom you ain't proud of? This is a fatal character misjudgment.

The problem here is compatibility, it is one of the reasons couples don't enjoy their marriages. And there is nothing you can do about it unless he decides to jettison his ideas to embrace yours, since you believe in the infallibility of your views.

bukatyne:
@bold:

Is the man expected to return to his father's house?

The 'society' also has an unpleasant view about single men of a certain age bracket. Before the age of politicial correctness, I have stumbled on job descriptions that said a man must be married for the role. A number of men have told me that they have access to more 'rights' in the society because they are now married and seen as 'responsible.'

I know single males that their prospective landlords ask for their CV before renting their flats to them. For the married men, their families and wedding rings are their CVs.

Since the discuss is on women and their pigheaded resolve to remain in an abuse marriage, I didn't see where your point contradicts mine. If anything, it corroborates my views on the high expectations demanded from women. Yes, marriage seems to confer some semblance of "respect" to men, but it is women that are routinely stigmatised or taunted for failing to meet these expectations.

It is precisely because most women see marriage as a life-retirement package and would like to remain in it, rather than terminate it and become single all over again. Men also show great commitment to marriage but the number of women enduring abuse in marriage pales in comparison to that of men. And since many of them aren't financially independent, they rather stay put and take the abuse in good faith rather than expose themselves and their children to an uncharted life with great uncertainties.

The society has a rabid, unpleasant view of women of certain age bracket and divorcee, especially if they are women. No dispassionate commentary will gloss over the impact of our patriarchal system that foists such notion on women. For example, once a lady gets married, no one expects her to return to her father's house, not even her family members. So, she has task cut out, even if it means enduring life-threatening abuses.

Do you mean bonding or slavery? From your story, the functions she performs are that of a maid, assisting her madam for a pay. How can a married woman abandon her home and finds comfort in another woman's home? First, your wife does not have self-respect and she is not an ambitious person. No matter what she benefits from that house, it is unreasonable to enlongate her stay months after the child delivery of her "Madam." Second, it appears that you worth very little in her eyes to warrant such degree of abandonment. Third, she is toiling with her marriage, and she seems convinced that her position is well secured, hence her enduring practise of an absentee wife. Take charge, now!

If she is married, you call her the name of one of her children. If she isn't, just miss this or that. This is not supposed to be a problem. You are not supposed to call your wife's elder sister aunt.

Baba, after reading your story, I wasn't myself anymore. It seems like your wife is preparing her mind to cheat and had given you a notice. Don't take that words lightly, she has to recant it. And, sorry to write this, your wife isn't reasonable, she appears little-minded and has no regard for you. Come on, wealth is anything but constant, and does she know the struggles and challenges of that fella she envies from afar.

On the contrary, maybe you are the punishment she deserves for being an ingrate. Who knows that dude won't lash her as a payback for being unfaithful and cheap. You already know what lies ahead, be vigilant.

Whatever the consequence of your action is strictly your business. I blame guys who decide to be friend zone just to be liked by a lady. If I am not hitting it hard, what am I doing with you? My late grandmother -- God bless her soul -- used to tell me that men and women are not friends.

Why not just tell an unemployed man to commit suicide instead of making an unrealistic list about things he should memorise and practice. But no one ever remembers to make such ridiculous list for stay-at-home moms. The best thing an unemployed husband should is to find a means to be employed, he should be able to any job that brings money to his pocket, including what we called menial job. That way, his dignity and self-esteem are protected, and he can get to have his say in the family, even if his wife earns more than he does.

"Womb Opener," this is a new lingo. A lot of my sisters here won't be happy with this topic. Imagine how women demean themselves with trivialities, while the guys responsible for this mess are happily out there, looking for another prey. Who says it is not a man's world?