₦airaland Forum

Sure, but I will ensure I put a security measure -- pregnancy -- so that my investment will not go down the drain. We have heard stories where the lady suddenly realises their unequal social status and incompatibility when she graduates from school.

If I put her in a family way, even if she decides to marry someone else, I won't bother because I have reaped the dividend of my investment.

You seem to be more worried than your friend. Maybe that is a sign of a good friend. When will guys unlearn this notion that women don't enjoy sex, that they don't have gravings to be sexually satisfied by a man that knows his onions? And who told you the lady isn't committed to the enjoyment she receives from your friend? Perhaps you anticipated a situation whereby she would bill out herself as a commodity with a price tag. Please allow them enjoy themselves in peace, else your needless intrusion will be construed as jealousy

You have finally shown your hands after failing to separate him from his family and create a wedge, now it is your imaginary savings that is your next weapon. When are you really going to get tired and peace a chance? See where your futile battle of nine years has taken you to. If you are a women who means well for your husband and his family, there is no way he would have ignored you all these years. I don't want to believe that your husband is a fool, who doesn't know what he is doing, why overwhelm yourself with anger. I surmise you are the type of woman that goes into marriage with screw driver, to loose/separate anyone whom you think is too close, or benefits from your husband. As it turns out now, there are some nuts that are very difficult to loose.

It is plausible that your story might not be true but what you wrote is not a revelation, either is it uncommon. We see and hear heartrending tales of men who took the oath of celibacy, disgard this oath and engage in all kinds of sexual immorality with their members. A priest was almost fatally burnt in the house of his mistress in Awka some ages ago, while a married woman died in the house of a priest in Zambia recently. We also know that majority of young men who decide to be priest today are not inspired by the zeal to serve God through humanity, but they see it as an avenue to cheap wealth and women.

Then enter the gullible, senseless, and confused church members, who defie and worship their parsons and naively believe they are irreproachable. Tell them that their pastor or priest has done something Christ wouldn't condone, they will get excited and unleash biblical missiles on you, all in the defence of their erring clergy. The members are the main reason these clergymen get away with all kinds of misconduct and abuse. Clergymen commit crimes all over the world, but the situation in Africa is different because Africans are unable to hold those in authority accountable.

Although this post/story seems hypothetical, there is no denying the fact that that marriage was built on the foundations of falsehood and treachery. Marriage is one instution that requires prospective candidates enter/declare with all their baggages and clearly reveal to their partners. There is no marriage, in the first place, when a partner is bamboozled by another and made to believe what was an unreal account for a long period of time.

To see ladies plead for forgiveness for one of their "fallen" comrades, who has undoing herself with her acts of deception, tells you that this is a game they have successfully elevated to an art. What more lies could be in store for waiting to unraveled? Only time will tell. Just prepare yourself, both mentional and psychological, because more unpleasant revelations are certainly in the offing.

It is true that society assigns roles to be played by both genders, however, the society was/is, most times, guided by nature in assigning these tasks. Another pointers to observe are human anatomy and physiology to appreciate the twin role played by nature and society. No matter how loud and convincing your viewpoint might be, there are roles that naturally suit man and women. This is manifestly self-evident and does not require a commentary. The partnership between nature and society in the business of role assignment remains a partnership that elevates man and woman and continues to ensure that mankind does not become extinct.

Therefore, it is inappropriate to view or claim that gender roles are solely and independently distributed by the society. In almost all societies of the world, men are the primary providers. Even in the western world where women have almost edged out men in the performance of this function, the impact is there for everyone to see. Again, economic relationships can disrupt, or distort what we knew and understood as settled certainties of life. For example, in Mali today, there are numerous ethnic groups where women are the main providers and men play the role of housekeepers. These people have lived in this form for hundreds of thousands of years, maintaining this lifestyle and transmitting it to generations

From your body language, you are conflicted on the verisimilitude or otherwise of your piece of evidence. You didn't elaborate on how she cheated on you, you just wrote that her sister revealed her dirty baggage to you. I find it surprising that her sister is the insider giving you information. Could it be that she is jealous of her sister and concoct stories to destroy her relationship? I wish I could answer this question in the affirmative. If your source of information is impeachable, there is no reason continuing the relationship.

Your quotation is even truer for the womenfolk than it is for men. That is why the bible says "He who finds a women..." It means that a lot of women are bad, therefore, men have to do a lot of work in other to find a good one. There is local maxim which says that women abound but wife is scarce.

If you look critically around your community, you would find that ladies are speedily disconnecting themselves from our traditional values, are becoming more prone to all kinds of social vices and less inclined to rationality, and majority of them lack what it takes to build a home, alongside with a man. It is true that men equally have their shortcomings but the topic centres on women.

Baba, a man who wants to get married and is above 40 and still waiting to be rich has done himself a huge disservice. Although you need money to start a home, you should know that no amount of money is sufficient for a young, ambitious man. There are many ladies looking for a man to just propose and let them foot the bill. This might appear surprising but it is what obtains in our society today. Or better still, and against the sanctimonious postulations of societal moral watchdogs, you can impregnate any lady of your chioce, meet the family and truthfully express willingness to marry their daughter. That way, you will be inexorably energised to begin the journey, knowing what lies ahead.

It is not only women that are routinely pressurised -- and sometimes taunted -- by the society when they reach certain age and remain unmarried. Even though the society tends to be over-sensitive to issues concerning women, the pressure men who are due for marriage but ain't married go through are not acknowledged by anyone. That is the price to pay for our highly embedded patriachial structure.

Since culture is dynamic and not static, I think it is high time we abolish the payment of bride price and dowry as well. Well, there are families in the East who don't accept the payment of bride, but it is inadequate to rely on individual discretion alone. It has to be collective and multilateral. We might maintain other marriage rites, but the issue of bride price is outdated, and should be phased out. The claim that a lot of money were used in the training of the girl child does not hold water since the amount collected as bride price does not cover the amount spent in her training. So, what purpose does bride price serve?

It is not because the west don't practise it anymore, it is simply because it reduces the dignity of women to a mere commodity to be carted off with money and, it is one of the reasons women suffer in marriages today. In the past women were married, apart from bearing children, to provide addition hand in farm. But today, a lot women are breadwinners of their families and are still shackled by this patriarchial principle.

I give kudos to the churchy girl for doing brilliantly well to attract the attention of male folk. Unfortunately, the church has become an arena where some ladies lay siege in search of "godly" suitors, after fretting away their youthful lives. Who knows how many males in your church whom are equally mesmerised by her stale choreographic display of religiousity. I don't know what the heck makes you intimidated, because you have developed feelings for a wench and is sacred to death to approach her. Imagine how distasteful and effeminate your preparation looks!

Just walk up to her, she will only give a yes or a no answer. Or, as someone who has masterfully succeeded in making the likes you believe she is devotedly committed, she might vacillate -- or even waffle -- and still keeps the door for contact and conversation wide open. Whatever happens, note that men are well-disposed at handling rejection than women.

Interfaith union is usually not a recipe for harmonious relationship in this part of the world. Except in rare cases where the people involve are super tolerant and are able to accept their divergent, and sometime, contradictory faiths. Since your relationship is already riddled with existential problems at this early stage, why elevate to higher levels with marriage?

You were merely being emotional at best and irrational at worst when you express inability to extricate yourself from something/someone that gives you discomfort. I suggest there should be a meeting between the two families to find a way to manage/resolve your religious differences, for the sake of stability and happiness of your homes. If such a meeting is not held, I don't think it is reasonable to continue with the relationship.

Vikky1425:
How am I thoughtless and insensitive? The relationship is slightly above 3 weeks and the only way he wants to prove love to me is to have me come to his place, cook for him and his friend(s), serve them and wash dishes, have sex if I agree to it and go back to my father's house. Please who is insensitive between the two of us? He hasn't done anything worthy to deserve the kind of services he is asking of me. He hasn't proven in anyway to be a potential husband material yet he wants 100% from me.
The least he could do that day was get the water himself, instead he decided to use me catch feelings in front of his friend two times!
I dont have a problem giving my 100% to a man that has done the same.

You seem to have a litany of grouse for your significant other. Well, it is not in my place to portion blames, and assume the role of a judge. However, no matter the legitimacy of your position, it doesn't make you impeachable to serve someone food and refuse to include drinking water. This is the unacceptable in all accounts.

Since you were burden with a lot of works, why didn't you invite your guy to give you a helping hand? That way, members of this graveyard will have a reasonable ground to condemn his seemingly lack of consideration. If my words come across as harsh to you, forgive me because I obsessed with saying things the way I see it.

It would have been better if you wrote that women are not humans, don't get angry at all, and therefore don't need apology. It is only but dignifying for the offender to offer an unreserved apology, no matter the gender. Bro, this is not a suitable arena to show-off our God-given mandate of leadership and control of the world. If anything, it is a sterling portrayal of responsible and responsive leadership to apologise when you wronged someone.

You seemed to be confused on what exactly is your grouse with men. Is it the male-dominated high crime rate, or the predisposition of some men to expected certain types of behaviour from women. We know that both men and women commit crimes, so I don't know why you decided to absolve women and condemn men. Some of these men engage in crimes to be able to please and satisfy their significant others, even though I don't support such act. So, in a way, some women, espcially the mentally lazy ones, encourage men to commit crimes.

For me, intergender relationship is nothing short of transaction, it is undeniably a quip pro quo. Anyone who wishes to date must bring something to the table, whatever it is depends on the partners involved. And please, you can't prohibit complaint in this kind of "business" arrangement.

On the second question, the world -- including western society -- is a man's world, divinely ordained by the Supreme Deity. So men get to set a lot of rules, including what a virtuous woman is. For the sake of your sanity, do not grate at this self-evident fact. Even as men hold sway, women ain't too behind and are vehemently fighting to correct some blots, since the notion of a perfect system is an illusion. As a concerned fella, what you should contest is that, let the medium of assessment be democratic and evenhanded, so that it can be used for both genders because women also judge men.

Maybe your reason for not confronting her head on is because you are equally guilty as she is. Or do you chalk up her infidelity to the fact that your have a long distance relationship and that she might be vulnerable to man's pressure? Whatever your reason is, just muster courage and confront her, so that she will know her secrets have been revealed. Imagine the audacity of chatting her guy in your house. That is the height of thoughtlessness and disrespect.

GreenDestiny2:
You're not forced na.

That's how wife refused to take my surname. When an opportunity came and required that she bears my surname, she rushed to the court for affidavit. Nonsense.

That you allowed it in the first place shows what kind of man you are. Even in western countries most women happily bear the names of their husbands, not to talk of Nigerian ladies with their ill-digest notion of feminism.

MagpieMonishaa:
I wish to be richer than Donal Trump. So?

It is not impossible but do have what it takes to be richer than Donald Trump? Your choice of President Trump is a giveaway, because he inherited his wealth from his late dad. Why not aspire to become our "local" Dangote? At least, there is an element of grass to grace entrepreneurial stint in his story. Again, your choice points to the cardinal message of this post: our uncritical, sheepish obsession with anything and everything Western.

merahki:
(Hehehehehehehehehehehe) after reading the whole post

@ the bolded, if Geneveive is looking for Emerald and is seeing only gravel, are you begrudging her the choice to live, and really live despite not meeting Emerald yet, and refusing to simply, settle for gravel because Emerand is too elusive and gravel is all holy even if very bland? Must she break down in order for you to admire what is a strong and confident and honest trait? Must she pick (or be picked ) by gravel and prove she is a Hebrew woman in order to make it on your “woman who matter list”?
Either way, good morning dear Sir
We shall all be all right

Hmm. So much contagious energy. I never implied she should settle down with someone below her preference, what I opined is her undisguised wish to be "wifed" by a man. Therefore, it amazes me how you completely ignore such unambiguous line while launching your missile. Even she had to, she won't be the first person to make such sacrifice for "love." Men and women do it almost on daily basis.

rockstarB:
Like you said about Genevieve, until you find a good patner it is reasonable to stay single. It is better than being miserable in marriage. Breakdown of marriage in Africa sucks as well, the burden to build the home rest upon the woman only. It is worse in the time of our mothers and their daughters have refused to pass through the same fire their mothers went through just to count as a wife.
One of the reasons African marriages can be talked about is because there are wives holding it down regardless of whether the husband is cheating or not, a deadbeat dad or not, domestic violence or not. I can list more.
The modern African woman, an enlightened educated one would rather remain single or at best divorce and unreasonable man than continue to take nonsense in the name of marriage. I'm not disputing that there are good ones, until you find that good person stay single

My point isn't that women should marry at all cost to escape from societal stigmatisation. That would be wallow and base. I merely refuted a simplistic glorification of single ladies of other cultures as a perfect example of what African women should be, when we know that our women are naturally disposed to getting married and building a home. There should be no shame in desiring marriage as a lady, of course, with the right guy as you correctly noted.

However, you greatly erred when you decided to awarded all the credit of building and maintaining a home to the African women, and convicted African men as monsters whose sole desire are to wreck the institution of marriage with complete abandon.This is extreme and inaccurate on all accounts. There are men who are putting up with bad marriages as there are women as well. The voices of women are mostly often heard because men are culturally socialised to endure pain and suppressed their emotions. Still, I don't hold brief for any gender, because I am an apostle of balance and fairness.

Monishaa:
Western women, African women, white women, black women, small women, tall women, loud women, shy women, extrovert women, outspoken women, quiet women, all women.

Your marriage culture has been shaped by Westerners a long time ago. You still live in Victorian England.

Do you really know what "Victorian England" means? It means a period between 1837 and 1901, when Queen Victoria was on the throne. Even the British culture has evolved a great deal from that time to this moment, including their views on marriage. How is it still possible for one to live Victorian age? Not even for someone in West Africa. Or is it a thoughtless putdown to deflect a harmless, superior viewpoint?

It is true that our marriage system has been influenced by westerners through colonialism, still, there are vestiges of African values that have remained defiant in the face of this gruesome onslaught. One of them is respect and value for marriage. African marriage is not perfect but it is better to what is obtainable in the west. That is a consolation, despite the outsized influence of their culture on Africa.

These are women of other cultures and society, not minding that the Op successfully sneaked in Genevieve to create an appearance that a Nigerian is a member of the group. While it is true that not every women desire marriage, it is also true that a lot of African women are eager to get married and build a family. But the truth remains that if Genevieve meets a "good" today, she wouldn't think twice before embracing the institution of marriage.

Why are we so obsessed with how the western world shapes their value, the way they live, to the detriment of our culture. Marriage, no matter the degree of unceasing campaign to make undesirable, is one of the highly respected institutions in Africa. The African society holds everyone accountable -- men and women -- and pressure to maintain a home is distributed, maybe not evenly, to both gender. We have great value for marriage in Africa, and the breakdown of the institution in the west is not something to be emulated.

A Chinese saying said that when "rape becomes inevitable, the best thing is to settle down and enjoy it." I know this saying would be thoughtlessly misconstrue by Nairaland wannabe feminists. Perhaps she enjoys it to the extent of forgetting to take preventive measures, in case the dare-devil is a sharp shooter.

It doesnt make sense that you can prepare food, serve it, and refuse to bring water along. It is only an insensitive person that will rush to open thread in a public forum that reveals her thoughtlessness. If you were to eat, won't you keep water handy while you eat? I see it an act disrespect to boyfriend's guest. What point are you trying to prove? That you did him a "favour" by cooking for his friend?

The title of your thread is a giveway of how irresponsible you are. The annoying part is that you feel proud proclaiming to the world that you a shameless Casanova. Since you have a lot of girlfriends, what stops you from discarding the one that comes with a lot problems and making do with others that are docile and tractable. Or are there bebefits you won't disclosed?

I don't know the reason for your belated decision to walk away, even in the face unremitting abuses and lack of respect. I gusse it must have been very difficult for you, becoming more tolerant and continuously losing your self-esteem. What I know for a fact is that, both good and bad people suffer this type of marital challenges, so don't think it is the end of the world.

Some women are susceptible to irrational behaviours, if and when they become breadwinners of their family.The allegations you leveled against are grave and showed she has crossed the gate of no return. Knowing when to accept a loss is a virtue. Thank God you finally found the mental strength and courage to separate from that toxic atmosphere. It is left for you decide what you want and how you want it.

What exactly are you scheming to reclaim? The crap of missing contact with her is sheer balderdash, because you knowing avoided her. In my opinion, I think the lady is very wise, since you don't seem to have a reasonable plan for her. It is very clear that the lady had studied you and was able to manage the situation properly. Just keep importuning her to reveal the paternity of the child to you, since your carefree attitude has placed you in a disadvantaged position.

In any case, donating semen alone for the emergence of a child does not confer the role of a father to you. You didn't marry her, never involved during the duration of the pregnancy, so you have limited power to stake a claim now. In my culture, fathering a child goes beyond the donation of sperm. If anything, sperm is cheap. I mean very cheap.

What can be said is that such women must have suffered different kinds of abuse to make them become irrational and throw caution to the wind. Unfortunately, their thoughtless act remains indefensible and depicts fatal character misjudgement. Maybe they believe that the manhood, an earth-shattering weapon of mass destruction -- and not the man himself -- is the architect of their problem.

So, if they successfully yank it off, their problem disappears immediately. People should learn to temporarily accept failure as an opportunity to reassess their method in whatever endeavour, even in marriage and damn societal value that criminalises failure.

This line of thinking has become stale and outdated, because in the final analysis, it is true for every sex. If you look at the instability that assails intergender relationship and the fact that breakup happens almost on daily basis, you will realise that when it comes to marriage, a lot marry who is ready/available. A lot people have naively deluded themselves that men don't feel pressurised to get married by the society just like women do. This is inaccurate, though, I concede that the degree of pressure pales in comparison to that received by women. And societal pressure is one of the reasons men and women don't marry whom they "love."

In any case, what is the percentage of people who finally married whom they were dating? And what is your definition of love as it regards to marriage? The truth is, when a man or a woman is ready for marriage, they almost certainly take a gamble, and settle with whomever is available. Marrying someone you don't "love" is not a recipe for disaster. Neither is it peculiar to one gender.

Even though intergender relationship is conducted on the basis of give-and-take, any "partner" whose disposition endangers the stability of the business should be summarily removed and be replaced with someone that engenders stability and progress. This bimbo has had three catastrophic transactions (that is the right word to use, not relationships) in which she blames all her partners for being soulless and uncaring. No business survives in at atmosphere of disrespect and insincerity.

You seem to be the fourth partner, that is, according to her gospel, that is about to hit the exist door. There is a time-honour adage amongst the Igbo people, which states any "Bush one enters and encounters about two dead bodies of a bird, let the fellow know that what kills such particular birds lives in that bush." The English maxim strongly corroborated my Igbo maxim when it says "Once is an accident, twice a coincident, thrice a pattern."

Even though intergender relationship is conducted on the basis of give-and-take, any "partner" whose disposition endangers the stability of the business should be summarily removed and be replaced with someone that engenders stability and progress. This bimbo has had three catastrophic transactions (that is the right word to use, not relationships) in which she blames all her partners for being soulless and uncaring. No business survives in at atmosphere of disrespect and insincerity.

You seem to be the fourth partner, that is, according to her gospel, that is about to hit the exist door. There is a time-honour adage amongst the Igbo people, which states any "Bush one enters and encounters about two dead bodies of a bird, let the fellow know that what kills such particular birds lives in that bush." The English maxim strongly corroborated my Igbo maxim when it says "Once is an accident, twice a coincident, three a pattern."

What else do you want from members of this graveyard when you already ended your post with the ageless maxim, which says that "Once a cheat always a cheat." As it stands now, it will take more than a miracle for wife-to-be to be completely weaned of cheating tendencies. I will not embark on the futile mission to search for reasons responsible for her infedility. You are the shoe wearer, do whatever pleases you, but don't pay heed to her theatrics, which are designed to transform her from an oppressor to a victim. Always remember you are the victim.