₦airaland Forum

Depends on the maturity of the couple. If money is an issue, they should cut their cloth to suit.

I've known people who met at 16 and got married at 21, that's different to 2 people meeting in their 20s and delaying marriage until their 30s.

Ideally, the maximum should be 2 years. If people get the "like married" thing when they aren't married and the engagement drags on, no one should be surprised. Why get married when you already get it all for nothing?

@jamalah, as someone with an interest in Islam, thank you for bringing this topic. It is an interesting observation which I realise is an eye opener, not only for other Muslims, but for Christians as well.

Interesting enough, nothing you have said about the almajiris and Imams in the North surprises me, as I'm aware a similar kind of thinking and behaviour exists in other parts of the Islamic world.

The more people can confront these inaccuracies and seek the truth behind these situations, it can only be of benefit to Nigeria and Nigerians (Christian, Muslim, Traditional and those of no belief) as a whole. I'd like to think it will stop the bloodshed but that calls for a radical change in the mindset of people, which will not be easy.

violent:
There 're still quite a number of girls with such values in the west.  My ex is such a lovely well brought up girl with an enthralling eloquence and sound moral values, big shame I'm an ársehole.

I honestly don't think you should lower your standards for whatever reasons, in the end, you'd have to live with the consequences of your decision. . . and for a very long time too.

Totally agree with you.

@ wait4me, if you compromise your values you will regret it. There are girls who share your values even in Nigeria, though they seem to be in a minority. Just be patient and alert, she will come in time. Let us know when she does

@ poster, you need to stand up and be a man. Why you are choosing to live like this, and let your wife manipulate you is beyond me.

Start making plans for your son.  If you don't want the responsibility for looking after him be guaranteed she will take him and probably manipulate him into being as spiteful as she is.  Personally I would not leave my son with a woman like your wife, but I would not stop him from knowing his mother either.  Your priority right now is to protect your sanity and look after your son.

I would suggest that you help her find a place, even pay the rent for a few months or the year, but let her know after that she's on her own.  You already know the answers to the questions you are asking.  Now you need to do something.

Energy48:
Christians should note that intimate (sex) relationship with someone is what constitutes as marriage between a man and a woman, so says the Bible. A piece of paper denoting marriage is a Western idea that is touted as a biblical teaching. Thus it is offensive to God to teach Western tradition as biblical teachings. In fact this replacement theology which contaminates the Biblical truth is what has led to the explosion of promiscuity in society. People feel they can sleep around and as long as there is no piece of paper (marriage certificate) they are not responsible for their actions. Nowhere in the Bible is such a thing allowed among God's people. So please take note; when you sleep with someone, according to the Bible that person automatically becomes your wife or husband. People operating outside of the Biblical teaching can claim they are Christians but the Bible makes it clear, they are not. God REJECTS such people and denotes them as children of the Devil.

You've got it wrong.

Marriage has existed in a number of forms over generations and across cultures. That commitment was reflected in a number of ways; in some cultures it was represented by jewellery, property or tokens.  Our modern-day equivalent is a marriage certificate.  Even traditional marriages can get that same piece of paper.  It is about the state recognition of a couple's relationship, not so-called Western biblical teaching.

There is no such thing as "Western tradition in biblical teachings".  Even if there is, we have the capability to translate from the original text into our own vernacular, we don't need so-called "Westerners" to do it for us.  We know the right thing to do morally and culturally, even if we don't do it.

If you've read your bible properly, a lot of what has been translated comes from Middle Eastern and Jewish perspectives, even down to the Trinity. So the roots of Christianity are not Western in any way.  I'm sure you're one of those people who believe you hold all truth and anything else is from the devil right?

Combust:
Forum   could   anybody   direct  me to  the bible  passage   that  could  exonerate me   from  double  Punishment  in heaven  ( I fear   for a   double  dose of hell  fire) . I have  been  sleeping    with  my  Pastor's   wife  for  1 year  now  . It  all started   when the pastor  would send the  pretty  bomb  to my office   for  money  laundering to  their   Joint  Swiss bank   account  . I  work in the  external  acct   control  Dept of my  Bank .One  thing lead  to the  other and   Wife    pick  interest in me   and   She   started  discussing  fundamental  happing  in  our  homes  .She  confided in me   that her husband  is a  2 minute  man. Who  usually  mount  her without  fore play  and  she  yarn  for the  good  sex  life  .  I offered  to help   her out  and  we  started  Once  a month  contact  and   Now it's  1 other days   except  on  the   Sabbath and  lent   fasting  period  which  we   keep holly . She   want me  to start    depositing money in her  personal  name   so that  we  can eloped  together to  US  and  start  a new life  .  My conscience Is  saying this is  wrong  .  Will somebody  help me before  I  go  crazy  ?

How old are you?  Seriously, can you hear yourself @ bolded? 

Does that make sense to you?

Oops, slight mistake. Judgement Day has been revised to Friday 21st October 2011.

Got the month wrong, sorry folks 

emmatok:
Before you get married you struggle to feed your self,house yourself, built your career and try to make yourself comfortable financially and other wise.

After you get married that struggle is not about you alone, it now includes the wife and children.

You have to feed them, cloth them, house them, send them to school. e.t.c

You only "settle down" when you are old and your children are successful.

That's not "settling down", that's being retired.  I'm always amazed when people have children and act surprised, as if they didn't think it would happen all the while they were sleeping with their spouse, or in the nine months before the child is born!

Only people who plan their family well won't find it a struggle.  Even if it's unplanned and they are prepared for whatever comes their way, why would it be a struggle? The only way it will feel like a struggle is if you feel trapped or think you've married the wrong person.

@ Nayah

Funny enough I had a conversation on this topic with a work colleague. She made an interesting point: often when we go with the one we love, although we love them for the right reasons the feeling isn't mutual. If we go with the one we love and they don't love us in return, at some point that love and trust will be abused. They can easily destroy that love you have for them because they have nothing to lose have they?

When you marry the one you love, you have a choice; either take advantage of their love, or treat them as they deserve. The intention, from what your mother said, is that there is a likelihood that those who love us will stick with us whatever happens.

Having seen it from both sides, it is better to go with the one who loves you so long as you love them in return. Mutual love breeds mutual appreciation. Anything else is short-changing the other person and yourself.

@ ZimAngel - the long and short of it is that if you want to scupper this man's plans for renewing his visa, get some hard facts about his wife. If you can prove to the Home Office that he already has a wife, then they will have something to work on.


As for your sister, she will have to learn the hard way. All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces when they fall.

I think some of you missed the point. 

If a passenger is keeping excessive noise, the conductor has the right to ask said passenger to lower their voice. She's so educated she forgot that she is on PUBLIC TRANSPORT and not in her house. Personally I do not enjoy hearing the details of another person's conversation, least of all loudly on public transport.  My sister said she once had to turn to the person behind her who was talking loudly on their phone for half an hour, and snapped at them to lower their voice.  It worked, but we shouldn't have to do that.

Note that, during the video, you could barely hear the conductor's voice, whereas the passenger was getting louder and louder.  Even the other passenger sitting next to her got up and left when she started getting louder.  This is not about the conductor being passive aggressive, otherwise please explain to me how else do you ask an obviously agitated passenger to lower their voice without you going to their level?  Customer service in other countries isn't like it is in Nigeria, you don't just talk to people anyhow - especially if they are being aggressive/agitated.

The conductor handled the situation pretty well, personally I would have walked away from the passenger sooner.

I'm  not sure how Lagos could be equated to "romantic". Since when did congested, overcrowded, bad roads become romantic?  

If you mean places in a city, then I would say Lekki Conservation Centre is a beautiful oasis in Lagos - you forget you're in Lagos when you're there.  I could stay there for a whole day  

Calabar is a place I would love to visit.

emmatok:
No, Marriage is not "settling down".

It is the beginning of another struggling.

The only difference is that the struggling is no multiplied.

A "struggle" for who and in what sense?

Franky boy:
Mostimes women are desperate to get married,basically due to security reasons, financial security, emotional security, physical security(cos they know they fade fast like d sunset), and when married, they put all d security burden on a man and take his name in exchange for the burden, dont get me wrong here, i do not mean women do not contribute to a home financially and otherwise, but their mind is now in a state of absolute rest(and dats why they easily blow up, even without eating)
. And for you brothers, thats when you know the innate character of most women(most times u re shocked at how callous nd terrible they can be). So ladies cut that crap of sharing your love with someone nd bla bla bla, women re basically the happiest on their wedding day, inrespective of what they feel for a man, cos now they have got a life mugu, while they can now be madams nd express all their negative attributes.

MEN BEWARE: Marriage should not be rushed into cos of feminine pressure, societal pressure,or love pressure(cos reality always dawns),u should be aware of what you are going into, women always do change, nd most times for the worse.Marriage is the biggest school of life,it teaches you  of the infallibility and inconsistency of the human nature.Its never a destination,its a journey, nd d road can get bumby at times.

You should tread carefully here, because men bring as much drama into marriage as women.  Men too rush into marriage to cover a multitude of sins i.e. still having "runs" whilst preparing to get married, poor communicators, emotionally distant, insecure, not financially responsible etc.

It takes two to make a marriage work and to make it fail.  How many threads are there on NL where men got "pressured" into getting married - how can a so-called adult allow his family to bully him into marrying when he doesn't feel ready to?  If he chooses not to shine his eye well, he shouldn't be surprised at the type of wife he ends up with.  Not all women are materialistic and not all men are womanisers.

deluxecad:
After all the excitement and fun of freshly getting married has worn away, the couple is now fraught with the real deal they have consensually/mutually (in some cases not) signed on to.  The discoveries of real individual qualities, sleeping patterns, hygiene. . .  (which in most cases dating and courtship seem to have not unravelled) now dawn on the newbies. Most of such discoveries are at the least unsettling.  And now enter the babies and the responsibilities that come with parenting. Some of the spouses still see and maintain their erstwhile lovers, while others hit it off with new ones (for reasons I can't tell). Still in the game!

I have always been an advocate of good and consummate marriage, but what I find hard to understand is the fact that people say MARRIAGE = SETTLING DOWN.  Settling down in what sense?

Does marriage mean settling down?

When you "settle down" it means you have established an exclusive relationship, committing yourself to that one person, after being unmarried. This also means all your energies should be dedicated to making that relationship mutually beneficial to both of you. It is no more "me" mine" and "I" but "we" us" and "ours".  Marriage has its highs and lows, but you learn a lot about yourself and the other person along the way.

Unfortunately it seems a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons and choose to do dishonourable things whilst married.  When people focus on themselves and not the other person, they choose to live as though they are unsettled thus the extramarital boyfriends and girlfriends.

9jafetish:
btw i am not that not-so-smart i wouldn't tell you where i worked i don't want to get killed.

I didn't ask for your detailed location and I would not expect it. You should have figured that out from the question.

@ poster, you say you work at at "Time Horton"? Please, where in the UK is that?

This story could only happen in Nigeria or elsewhere on the continent. Last time a story like this came out, so-called "man of God" Gilbert Deya went on the run from the authorities when the truth came out.

Someone claims to have 8 children in 11 months with no independent medical confirmation and we take it seriously.

Far be it from the poster to put the details, but has it occurred to some people here he may have been sexually abused at a  young age?  It may be safe to say he's not good as explaining himself as clearly as he could, but from his comments but that's the only reason to have sex at 6 or 8, willingly or unwillingly.  That is not impossible and this is not unknown to happen in Nigeria.

He does not need to go into details if he doesn't want to. The fact that he's said little about it says a lot, whether it's seen as a Nollywood story or the truth.

Sagamite - I think there's a problem with this thread.

You need to define "children", whether we're speaking of minors or adults. You are alluding to adults, many are referring to minors.

An adult child living below the standards of their parents is different from a minor living below the standards of their parents.
This also depends on whether the parents are together or not.

So maybe you need to clarify what you mean with regards to the Frank Lampard comment.

Where do I start?

Snails
Anything slimy - that includes Okra and Ogbono soup and Draw soup. If someone eats those stringy foods in front of me I want to puke.
Ponmo and tripe (do these really qualify as "food"? Like chewing a shoe)
Chicken feet, cow foot - basically any animal stepper
Cassava - that includes Eba (though I can eat Garri with sugar and water, which has a different consistency, smell and taste and I don't soak it)

odiaero: Yes, i think it is time to chase out the ladies out of our lives, just last year, i got a slap from my girlfriend   , i managed to bear it, and again,
yesterday night, she hit my head with a Notebook, i got shockwaves all over me cos i did not expect that, just cos i told her she should stop making an excuse of being tired after cooking and was watching Tele instead of reading her books  

Am still angry till now as am typing, am going to kick her white backside out, am tired of all this assaults on  me alone  

This is not a woman thing, this has to do with the woman you're with.  Why do you stay with her after she slapped you the first time, or are you desperate for company?

You should NEVER allow someone like that a second opportunity to abuse you.  In a situation like this, one strike is one too many, get out.

@ Stotle - There are always two sides to every story.  Sounds like both  you and your wife are immature and deserve each other.  It's all good to get self-righteous about your TV, but removing any part of the fan was the thing that provoked her.  Man  up and take responsibility.

From the time your wife started sleeping in another room you should be trying to resolve this, not demanding she leaves the room so you could use it as a library. I don't believe this is one-sided - you sound as much of the problem as she is.

obi123:
Apart from 500 naira for trolley at the airport-i have an account in naija so no need to carry money frm here

mosquito repellent  - i dont miss this
enough cotton shirts/shorts
my sturdy birk sandals
A very solid torch
loads of rechargable batteries- for my night light 
medicine chest
My first aid kit
Sunglasses
Enough body wash- lord knows i need a lot of these with the amt of times i shower due to the heat
camera

I agree with the bold - love my Birks, wouldn't leave home without them. Thinking of getting another pair 

There's an insect repellant paper called Rambo that you can buy for about N20.  If like me you attract mosquitoes, this works a treat.

Excelboi:
To me,symbian phone beat BB by far. Sooner or later,BB will be history

Symbian was the best, in 2000.  Those days have long gone.  BB will probably still be there when Symbian has disappeared from the scene.[quote author=soft-touch link=topic=679879.msg8445919#msg8445919 date=1307091218]Blackberry --- for newbies and lazy types.
HTC --- for those who seek to belong to hi-tech class, spend all their time keeping the phone on charger.
iPhone --- Hi-tech intellectuals who know what they are doing,   and know stuffs work.[/quote]@ bold, funny enough, the young IT guys prefer iPhones, the IT veterans prefer the HTC.  Their reason for this is that they don't like being locked into Apple's slaveship of iTunes and everything Apple - as far as they're concerned, it's too simple 

Best bets:

If you want touchscreen & keyboard: HTC Desire Z and BB Torch

Touchscreen only: Samsung Galaxy S, HTC Desire HD (HD is Android, HD7 is Windows Mobile 7)

If your internet is bad it won't improve with a better phone.

1 )  A good torch (Maglite or a wind-up torch)
2 )  Mobile phone (but don't need to bring a fancy one unless you want to impress or be a target)
3 )  Good pair of shoes (Crocs for rainy season, sturdy shoes for harmattan)
4 )  Decent headphones
5 )  Medicines (good in the short term rather than waiting until something happens)
6 )  MP3 player
7 )  Duracell or Energizer batteries
8 )  Toiletries (any body lotions, toothpaste etc you can't live without)
9 )  Sunglasses
10) Laptop or netbook

Lots of things I wouldn't bother to bring as I could get them there, but these are the essentials, just in case 

I agree with Chaircover up to a point - at 18 I was very much an adult and knew what I was doing    I was one of those people ahead of my years.

I knew of a case where a son got his ear pierced at 18, and it was months before his mother saw it even though it wasn't hidden. When she saw it, she wept, wondering where she went wrong with this son.  Years later the same son now has both ears pierced and not much of a relationship with his mother.

It is no longer a case of what you will allow your son to do, but the relationship you develop with him in spite of his dreadlocks.   I hope you're not one of those parents who will criticise too often, because if you criticise him over this, be guaranteed you will be damaging  your relationship with him in future.  Your son is more than his hair.

dayokanu:
If your wife is used to a life of affluence then she should go get a job

Seconded!

[quote author=Had_one link=topic=680356.msg8433816#msg8433816 date=1306933763][size=18pt]Oh yes! dont you think it would be a story if she gave birth oh her birthday?[/size][/quote]No, I'm afraid it's not a story. I know someone who had her daughter on her birthday, nothing happened except the family celebrates two birthdays on the one day.-

blacklion:
Equality/equity between a married couple in today's world is fair and proper provided its fully across the board.

It is fair and right for a man to do his equal share of cooking, cleaning, sweeping, childcare etc provided the woman agrees that they will split the bills 50/50.

Equal rights = equal responsibilities.

A couple must agree before the wedding day about what type of marriage they want to have and stick to it.

Some women claim to be liberated, feminists etc whereas in fact, what they really want is to enjoy the financial benefits of olden days marriage while insisting on avoiding the financial responsibilities of modern day marriage.

Yours is one of the more sensible responses on this thread by a male.  I agree with you @ section in bold.

This misogynistic take on women and marriage never fails to amaze me on NL. There is no such thing as a 50-50 marriage. If you're putting 50% into a marriage, expect it to fail. Or at best be a struggle.

ajigglin is right about feminism and its origins. In my opinion, "modern feminism" is a misnomer. Feminism today still fights for the same things that started over 100 years ago. Just because some women have achieved those objectives doesn't make feminism redundant. I don't think some of you really understand feminism but see it as a challenge and obstacle from a very myopic point of view. Or maybe from your world view it is that way.

@ deal ordea - if you want to speak to a "professional" when it comes to marriage, ask someone who's been married for more than a decade. The longer, the better. Today I was talking to someone about a couple of people I know who've been married to the same woman since their early 20s, now in their late 40s and early 50s. Divorce has a trauma of its own; some of those who are divorced still smart from it and are not necessarily objective.