₦airaland Forum

Fhemmmy:
it is like being a black wife in western world.

Not quite.  Marrying across cultures comes with far more challenges. 

In any case, it depends on what you mean by "being a black wife in the western world".  What type of black wife - North American, Caribbean, South American, British, African?  That would presume their culture is significantly different to that they are marrying into.  In the African, Caribbean and South American context, this is more likely to be true that not.  But to many Black American and Black British women, the "Western" world is all they know.

2tait:
The major religions prescribe the roles and relationships between the husband,the wife , the children and even to each other. Thse religions also highlight the rewards for playing each role.

The husband plays the role of head of the familiy and expects to enjoy the love and respect of his wife. His wife is to support and care for him. That is his reward. The children are the bonus.

The wife plays the role of keeping the family and making the house a home. She takes care of everybody (husband and children). Her reward is the love and protection of the husband, as well as the love and intimacy with the children. This arguably may explain why children stay closer to their mothers than their fathers.

The children play the role of making the family lively and dynamic. They are expected to obey and respect their parents and take care of them in their later years (old age). Their reward is the blessing (legacy) of their parents.

These roles, responsibilities should not confuse anybody. The blessings are even more pronounced when great demands are placed on one party. For instance if the man is somehow incapacitated and cannot perform his own role, the wife should even show more love and not abandon him at the point of need. Her blessings will indeed be more if she passes the test. Affliction may be a test of loyalty and commitment. It is not the time to deliberately afflict punish or take it upon the weak partner. This applies to women, men and children in the same measure.

Let's play our roles and enjoy the juicy portions as well.

Does this mean that if the same happens in reverse the man should show love and commitment by not abandoning her (and children) in their time of need? Or are men excluded from this?  God's blessings are not so one-sided, if people realised that the world would be a far better place than it is today.

Fhemmmy:
Well said, i wish everyone would do this.
Meaning Men wont abuse the wives and they will take care of them and not kick them out cos they now find a babe with firm breast after they have made the wife to pop out few kids.
Meaning the woman will not eye the man next door cos the man has a nice ride and the husband has nothing.
Meaning the kids wont disown dem papa cos they cant afford to pay their school fees.
But come to think of it, if all these comes so easy, it will make some people lazy oh, cos some men works harder cos they dont wanna lose that precious "expensive woman" that they won her heart with money they never had.

I agree!

redsky1:
i would also like to know what its like to be a nigerian wife in nigeria even thou you grew up in the UK.

Thanks

I think I'd like to know more about what it's like having a Nigerian spouse and living in Nigeria as a non-Nigerian.  The challenges as a non-Nigerian wife I believe are far greater than those as a non-Nigerian husband.

@ jodeci

Outstrip may have been rude in some of what he's said, however some of it makes sense but you can't see it.  By not dealing with your brother you risk losing your wife's trust, your brother will move on and your relationship with your wife eroded because of the conflict that wasn't dealt with in time.

Your wife probably won't say much now but I'm sure that with each passing day the resentment is building.  Deal with your disrespectful brother soonest my friend for peace to reign in your house.  Once he's left I'm sure you'll be shocked at what your wife has been withholding from you all this while.

I don't think some of you get it - while a woman can withold sex for some little thing, some things are such that she doesn't only close shop to the man but her heart as well. 

I'm curious as to what it was he did.  He may think it's nothing, it may be something he's repeatedly done, it may be something he said that hurt her, but whatever it is he needs to identify and address the problem.  Running elsewhere won't help - if things are that bad, Mr Vaseline is his friend 

An adulterous relationship is fuel to the fire and too much drama.  Could end up banging a bunny boiler.

I dream when I'm asleep.  It depends on how vivid the dream is, whether I remember when I wake up or not.

Sometimes I know my dream is based on something I have been thinking about or some experience from previous days.  Rarely is it a premonition about something that will happen, even then you know the difference.

naijababe:
@ OP
I am shocked anyone would post this. U should bury your head in shame and this is not about being holy but doing what is right. God knows we need less people to be like you to move naija forward and on top all the shakara sef na arrangee she take collect the red pali 

Ah naijababe you don't get it - SHE DOESN'T CARE!  The fact that she posted it and then continues to defend what is indefensible says a lot, really.

manuch:
wen nigerians are aboard they talk about the level of corruption in the country then continue to encourage it. shame on you thamesmead

You're not supposed to point that out!

Oh the irony. . .

Gridlock:
Traditional wedding (can't escape that, to keep the thieving greedy vultures called extended relatives happy)
A low-key court wedding.
A pastor conducting a Vestry wedding after that (so that her mother can calm down and see her daughter in white). No bloody church service, just me, her, and our parents.

I think it's stupid that we actually marry 3ce: once bfore the "family", once before the "law", and once before the "church". Waste of time and resources. Can't we just do it all in one location, one duration? Or skip one stupid annoying unnecessary process that people hang onto because it is an avenue to show their wealth/wastefulness?

yeah, i'm a deviant.

Gridlock it's not deviant, just a bit realistic.  Everyone should be limited to two ceremonies or do everything in the same place.  I couldn't imagine having a traditional wedding and then months later a court or church wedding.  One ceremony is tiring enough, talk less of 3!

hannydarl:
I totally dig your talk o gridlock  i just did traditional and court weddng and i am satisfied with those two the traditional one was done big and people were invited with cards we gave away suveniors and every body knows we are married now.anyway we ladies need to do the traditional no matter how stressful it is so our mothers will have face in the village she wont be mocked that her child is livinng with a man and doing osho free service without a dime paid on ones head. Its for our own dignity so please forget about the stress and make your man do the traditional before the white weding

What if:
(1) Your mother doesn't live in a village
(2) Neither of you have any family in the vicinity
(3) The man doesn't have a dime - can he pay in kind?

Fhemmmy:
I think it is the Silver Baby.
25th Anniversary . . . with a baby? He needs to name the baby . . .Silver

You are sooo wrong for that. . .

Two words: Tubal ligation.  It's probably less stress than repeatedly getting pregnant, it sounds like this isn't the first "accidental" pregnancy. 

Working on the premise that contraceptives (if they use them) haven't been effective, I'm surprised she hadn't considered this after her 6th child.

Still, I'm curious as to what she did in the end.

I don't think, from some of the responses here, people understand how the HIV virus works.  Someone could have contracted it years before and it only shows up years later - they don't necessarily have to cheat for that to happen, though it is true in some cases.

I've known people with the virus and others, whose bias against those HIV+ and hypocrisy by their behaviour, reflects their ignorance as to how HIV is contracted.

Marriage is for better or worse.  If they cheated on me whilst married, that's another matter altogether.  If it is purely out of circumstance i.e. they were sexually active before meeting me and, even though they have been faithful were diagnosed as HIV+, what is the objective of leaving?  Was marriage not for better or worse?  Marriage is about commitment, it is no different to if a spouse becoming disabled because of an accident or a breakdown in their health.  You don't just stay married during the good times, but you also have to be prepared for the not-so-nice moments too.  That's how life is.

If people insist on having multiple sexual partners as their perceived sexual right, they are playing Russian Roulette with their lives.  That, folks, is the reality.

Easy way to find out: if you filled in lots of incomprehensible documents, then you've been legally married in Nigeria.  If not, it's highly unlikely you get a proper certificate and therefore highly likely to have an illegal marriage

[quote author=George_D link=topic=345210.msg4841113#msg4841113 date=1257102179]those women exposing their bodies are only passing a simple message to us men. they're saying, ''hey, i'm available. you wanna have me?'' [/quote]

finemocha:
yes and when u approach them in a club to dance with u and they diss your dumb ass what are they saying then?

Guess males wearing trousers dropping down pass their butt and showing their underwear are offering an invitation too, right?

Please I want to know the gain women derive in exposing their body parts (breast, tummy, laps etc). Do they derive any satisfaction from such actions or is it the men who feed their eyes on them that gain?

Not necessarily in that order nor all of the below:
(1) Attention
(2) Sex
(3) Fresh air
(4) Money


You obviously have a lot of time to notice these things.

posakosa:
@ N101, i am in no way questioning the legitimacy of a marriage based on its particular location.

I am CLEARLY stating that this is a SHAM marriage because the man only wanted her for a green card.

Of course, foriegn marriages are recognized in the U.S., although there is no record of it until you FILE taxes together BUT in this instance, this was NOTHING but a sham marriage.

Even if it's a sham marriage, it took place legally in Nigeria and so to that end she still needs to legally divorce - provided she can provide proof via the marriage certificate.  If she doesn't be guaranteed that man could very use it against her in future if given the chance.

However, if they remain permanently lost to each other. . .  

@poster

Coolier is correct, posakosa is wrong.  If your Nigerian marriage is a legal marriage in Nigeria, it is likely to be recognised elsewhere.

Do you have the marriage certificate?  If you had a court marriage, you should be in possession of the certificate unless you had a moment of weakness and he has it.  Normally in the registry wedding they give the certificate to the woman.  If you don't have it I suggest you speak to a lawyer about it.

I would suggest you divorce him in the US, that way - if he is the kind of person you say he is - then he has nothing to use against you in future should you remarry.

Sorry posakosa, but foreign marriages are usually recognised in other countries, even in the US, whether this was a Sikh marriage in India or a registry marriage in Nigeria, so long as it in accordance with in that country's laws and there is proof i.e. certified in some way.  Give her the information, then it's up to her to decide what she's going to do, whether legally or otherwise.

jodeci:
@ beetle

yeah,we have a set of twins,our first issue after 18 months of marriage.

i will never scold or insult my wife outside the bedroom,so the question of quarreling with her before my bros doesnt arise.

[b]as per my bros and domestic chores,he doesn't help in anyway at all,absolutely lazy when it comes to domestic chores.[/b]But my wife and i overlooked that since i can practically play the role of a woman when it comes to domestic chores,i had rather help.

I am really learning alot from this fore-going.

jodeci: From all sincerity of purpose,i appreciate your contribution,i have asked my wife severally why the constant quarrels between my bros and her,all she could answer was she doesnt like how my brother talks.

On the other hand,my brother thinks,i am not doing enough for him in terms of giving him money and these he thinks my wife is stopping me from doing.[/b]I have explained to him severally that i might be as rich as he thinks, after all i am only a salary earner.

I have also tried telling my wife to tolerate him,even when he talks thrash to his friends to her hearing,but she cant bottle that.

Like just yesterday,[b]my wife over heard him telling his girlfriend that,he is not gaining anything from me apart from food and accommodation and that even the food my wife gives him most times wasn't what he wants to eat,my wife over head him and flare up.It took my land lord to quell the skirmish,since i was not at home.

Those quotes in bold just prove to me that your brother has no respect for you, your wife, your home nor the fact that you are accommodating him. 

The person you need to speak to is your brother, not your wife.  Your wife is doing her best, coping with his laziness (and cleaning up after him), cooking and having her efforts abused, and hearing his lack of respect for you.  What other response do you expect from her? 

You should appreciate that you have a good woman in your corner, but your brother has no respect for either of you and the longer he stays in your home, the worse it will become.  You need to nip his behaviour in the bud, neither of you are his slaves. 

Once you do that, if you have other siblings staying with you in future, they will know how to behave in your home, what is acceptable and what isn't.  It's not for your wife to simply accommodate his behaviour etc, it is also for you to have a serious talk with him otherwise it looks as if he is walking all over you, abusing your home and getting away with it.  And that really is where your wife's frustration lies.

I had a friend in a similar situation, her brother-in-law was equally awful and her husband eventually kicked him out.  It was only when he had to struggle on his own did he appreciate that he had it good at his brother's place but abused it.   

Your children and your wife are  your priority.  The sooner you can get him sorted out, the better, but don't let it drag on for too long.  Good luck.

earlalright:
Its either you are not a faithfut christian or you marriage has comma www.myspace.com/naijapassion

Let me ask, are you married?  Do you know how many ministers I know who didn't have a church wedding because they couldn't afford it?  Are you saying God only recognises Christians who marry in church and not those who don't?

What does being a faithful Christian have to do with whether you get married in church or not? Arrogant nonsense!

TheSeeker:
A marriage where you've invested physically and emotionally is only expected to be fair, if not best to your taste. When something goes wrong in a marriage, it's supposed to be worked out or it'll break the marriage - although you may not realize it immediately but these things degenerate to crackdown marriages.

Your partner not ready to take responsibilities for whatever he/she does speaks ill of them. It shows lack of respect for your own emotions; depicts excessive and haughty pride; a quarrelsome creature, and lots more. If you're in a marriage and you choose to put some things 'behind' you - issues that requires address - then your marriage is heading for a doom because a time will come when you will have it up to here.

A marriage where you have the mind to take revenge is a healthy marriage? A marriage you put up so much effort into will be a kind where you're promoting internal and in-built differences? Where is the understanding? Where's the openness? Where's the respect for each other's opinion? Where's the honesty? If taking revenge later is what marriage is all about then I'd just be a love-vendor rather than be a husband.

I'm curious as to your suggestions to resolve the issue of an unapologetic spouse.  Walk out?  Shout at them? Pray it out of them?  Get family - who may be equally as bad - involved?  Marriage isn't about revenge, but  some people need to learn the hard way, it's not for me to do what their parents or society failed to instill in them.  People sometimes apologise as a way to get you off their back but don't mean it.  Is that a better option?

Unfortunately there are too many immature people in relationships with unrealistic expectations.  One would expect people to go into marriage with their eyes open, but, if some of the marital problems I've read about on NL are anything to go by, too many people get married for all the wrong reasons.  Some of those you have highlighted (lack of openness, honesty etc).  Remember, you are dealing with a fellow human being whose frailties may not be your own. 

There is a time to apologise when you aren't at fault, and a time for people to learn the hard way without  intervention.  When it does happen it's not to resolve it by saying "I told you so", that is adding fuel to the fire, sometimes you have to be there to help pick up the pieces.  At the end of the day, being in a good marriage is about good and clear communication, some learn how to do it, some will struggle. 

Pimping or being a husband, your choice.

Those people who are saying "walk" have either never been married nor in a long term relationship.  Most people wouldn't/cannot just "walk" from a marriage when they have physically and emotionally invested so much into it. 

Years ago I used to hear people saying: "if you can't hear you must feel".  So in this case, if a spouse refuses to say sorry, I would wait because I know a time will come when they will make a serious error and I won't be there to pick up the pieces.  When it all starts falling apart and they start looking for someone to blame rather than to take responsibility, I will do like my friend Rooneyboy and go about my business and let them suffer alone.

So long as I wasn't implicated and they messed things up for themselves, not my problem.  It's all fine and good to pray for people, often their pride and arrogance is a stumbling block, and that is really what stops people from apologising when they've done something wrong.  I'm not one for revenge but in this case they will have to learn the hard way.

thameamead:
@N101
I do not live in thameamead? evn if i did what has where i live got to do with anything? y r u a post code snub. i live in my boyfriends £2Million hse in st john's wood,  looks like u've got a problem with me giving a £300 bribe, i would have paid them up to £400 if they had asked for more money, its's my money, what i spend my money on is not your business,

have a nice wkend

Ah Thameamead, the fact that you even bothered to reply to my email is amusement enough for me.  Guess the Specsavers thing didn't work out, huh?

Hm, where to start. . .   Did anything I've said about about Thamesmead press a button, bearing in mind that I didn't say anything specific?  The fact that your "boyfriends" live in St. John's Wood is neither here nor there - in fact, looks more like you're the one being a "snub".  But guess that's where you'll be enjoying your weekend right? 

Dash your money where you like, but by posting about it on a forum you are inviting comments.  I know it's after the fact, but maybe you shouldn't have mentioned it?  

Logic and common sense doesn't have to prevail when it's your money, but whatever you do please don't forget that eye appointment, they're not expensive.  See what happened to poor Postman Pat when he did. . . oh sorry, you can't!

You're right K, we don't like First Person Shooters. 

Now if they made one that was colour-coordinated and we shot marshmallows or clouds. . .   

hansibone:
[b]females in general dont like first person shooter games, their brain structure does not support  that theory, [/b]but bring em sumtin dats has strategy or puzzles, damn u as a guy will be lost.

Don't agree with that statement.  I could probably play you and beat you hands down. 

I don't play them because I think they're distasteful, and most women I know don't play for similar reasons. Whether it's shooting deer or aliens, the idea doesn't appeal to me.  I'm sure any woman with good hand eye co-ordination could figure them out, but we prefer to use the other side of our brain for something a bit more complex

Sagamite:
I get dizzy too, that is why I have never played Grand Theft Auto. I bought it and when I tried to play, after a while I feel sick and feel like throwing up.

The only first person shooter game I have ever played without feeling dizzy is Metal Gear Solid.

All I play now is just ONE game: Pro Evolution Soccer.

Nothing else.

When I was at my cousin's I was playing Fifa 2009 on his XBox.  Imagine, he had an XBox and didn't use it.  I was sooo close to "inheriting" it    I actually enjoyed playing the Fifa game, I didn't even read the instructions but got the hang of it really quick.

The only driving games I played were Microsoft Monster Truck Madness and Midtown Madness, I even had the vibration steering wheel.  I even had a Motorcycle game and learned to do a whole bunch of tricks with the game pad.  Sadly a new pc operating system meant the games became redundant  Worse still, Midtown Madness 3 only came out on the XBox

So the toss-up was between the XBox and the Wii. . . . neither won.  I'm still debating it.

I've been playing games for years - I'm not going to say for how long but let's just say I remember when the Donkey Kong Jr was on a tiny black & white console that could fit into your palm    I've had pc games, had a Nintendo Game Boy Colour and now the DSi. I can't justify getting a Wii but I know enough people with tone so I still get to play some of the games.  Playstation never moved me but the XBox 360 almost did.  I've played on all of them.

Women do play games but it's been said we prefer skill and strategy games rather than first person shooter or similar games.  Many Nintendo games provide for that market, which is why you'd probably find more women - and girls - own a DS rather than a PSP.

For the past few months I've been playing Mario Kart and have recently acquired the Mario & Sonic Olympic game. I've got a few games and was having a conversation with a friend's son about new DS games  - yes, I have to resort to swapping with children because none of the adults I know have a DS and if they do, they're either the same games or few if any at all! 

It's tough being an adult. . .

No2Atheism:
@topic

The truth is that most people are suffering from western brainwashing and crowd mentality, hence most ladies and a few guys get so hung up on a so called "church wedding" merely based on the fact that others have done it and are doing it, and not really on any sound biblical or cultural or historical basis.

It isn't about "western brainwashing"; in true African tradition, a tiny aspect of Western culture is adopted and taken as the standard for what is perceived to be Western.

How often do you see Westerners having big weddings with 500+ people in attendance?  The majority have strictly controlled numbers, your father's friend from school and his entire clan cannot just show up.  Many people even opt for registry weddings and tend to have small numbers - by and large people go for what they can accommodate/afford.  I even know of one man who got a Pastor he knew to conduct the marriage ceremony.  He wasn't a churchgoer, the pastor was a neighbour and had befriended him some time before.  The only people in attendance apart from the bride and groom were two friends and the pastor.  Nowadays people are even opting for destination weddings because it's less expensive and significantly cuts down the guest list!

Apart from that, I'm in agreement with much of what you have said.  A church wedding or pastor's blessing is no guarantee to the longevity of a marriage.

[quote author=Ben-10 link=topic=339005.msg4772128#msg4772128 date=1256121574]The church wedding makes a difference.[/quote]How? Enlighten me.

So, dash £250 + an extra £50 instead of perfume to get into the country as opposed to calling in sick (or whatever else excuse you can come up with) and spending a day at the Embassy in London and spend a lot less.

I think someone else should have gone to Specsavers big time.  Hint: it isn't bluespice or Postman Pat.

@ chaircover

Have you ever been to Thamesmead?  It's an experience 

[quote author=rita@NL link=topic=340575.msg4776192#msg4776192 date=1256160324]Na wa oo,that na why i wear my own for my neck  [/quote]What, as a collar or a leash?   

redsky1:
I could write a long essay here but I'm tired. I thank God this is no longer a problem for me cos the amount of unserious, lazy and ignorant men in this UK is simply pathetic.

I think the blame can be put at the doorsteps of both the men and women. the problem you have is that women have become very educated and career orientated and this leads to higher requirements in a partner, a lot of our boys tend to be unserious and for various reasons, be it racism, lack of confidence etc they just don't seem to be getting the good jobs and the ones that do carry the colonial mentality and believe that only oyinbo is now good enough for them.

for the women we have to admit to ourselves that we want a ready made man and tend to over look brothers that have potential but might not be that financially buoyant, therefore missing out on a possible husband material

men hear this you guys have something called wife material but we women also have something we call husband material - not all men fall into this catergory.

anyway like i said i'm tired can't concentrate on what i am writing again. hope i made at least some sense

Pharoh:
You made more sense than you can imagine because what you said was the simple truth. Both sides are to blame and the earlier we start sorting it out the better for both parties.

Thank you!

POSAKOSA1:
I hate when conversations about relationships/love come up and some Arrow brings up the issues of money.


You know how many men get women who are financially comfortable and leave them anyways because men are not satisfied or get tired or them/ or women who get men with money and still CHEAT on them.

Lets be clear, people make CHOICES and money IMO has nothing to do with a successful relationship/love.

Thank you my brother for telling the truth.