₦airaland Forum

That "I can change the man" thing NEVER works.  For the life of me I don't know why women still insist on doing it, the only conclusion I can come to is that is something in-built in women.  Women often ignore all those red flags that say "STAY AWAY FROM THAT MAN!"

She thinks - falsely - that if she hangs in there she can change him because that is what good women do.  The "Helper" instinct then evolves into making excuses for his behaviour, putting up with being disrespected and abused for the sake of "love" to the point where she either is emotionally battered or becomes bitter.

None of us are perfect and no "Fhemmmy Machine" exists for churning out the perfect man   However the trust and security that exists in a good relationship will always bring out the best in us.  People will change naturally if they choose to, sometimes they can do it on their own, sometimes they can do it with support.  Some people you leave well alone!

Fhemmmy:
Yeah, in a real marriage, not all the "yeye" union that people are having these days, not the "for better for stay, for worse, for waka"

If some of the marriages I've read about on NL are anything to go by, I wonder why they didn't just buy the film rather than get married! 

Death is not an easy thing to deal with most of the time, even after taking the vows we have no idea when it will become real.  This is quite true at the moment with a friend and the family of a late work colleague's family who are living this situation.

If you make a face, a strong wind will blow and your face will be fixed like that forever.

Fhemmmy:
cheiiii, u must have a degree in sexology oh . . . .Lol

Ah Fhemmmy, you see, I have in my possession "The Big Book of Women's Problems". 

I can lend it to you if you like 

I'd like to put the question another way - for those who are married to ask themselves and answer; "Why Did I Get Married".

(and no, no plagiarism from the film of the same name  )

Obi123 is right - I don't think anyone is EVER ready for marriage.  We have an idea of what we think marriage is about and what it will be like (usually based on the marriages we see around us).  The reality is very different.

Fhemmmy:
To answer the question, yes, come to think of it, a girl starts to prepare for motherhood and wifehood from a tender age, like when they playing with dolls and serving tea and all that, that is all practising being a mother and being a wife, while a boy is busy playing soccer.

There lies the irony; men are expected to be head of the house, but spend most of their childhood without responsibilities while girls are given responsibilities as soon as they can grip a broom!  Years ago at a meeting  I heard someone say, "ask a woman where her daughter is and she will tell you.  Ask her where her son is and she doesn't know".

Fhemmy: Most woman are ready and know what they wanted when they getting married, but most men dont.
Men just dress up and go to church and say the "I do" but reality sets in later for a man, and most of the times, it is always too late, and they have to just adjust.

To be honest, I think most women like the idea of being married from an early age even if they don't understand the reality because it's expected that they marry.   God forbid if they were into all that romance stuff (films, Mills & Boons etc), then they seriously expect guys to be like those characters.  The attitude of some men, on the other hand, was like the football they played as a child; try and get around your opponents, score as many goals as you can and live off the adulation   

Get a man and woman like above together, you can only imagine what the relationship will be like.

Fhemmmy:
Inasmuch as you have a good point, you will agree that the dude has some point too, marriages these days are full of funny characters and it is all like a movies, how i wish we can read what goes on in the mind of the other half in the home.

No one knows what's in anyone's mind, whether they're married to them or not.  However I find it annoying when people can trivialise the loss of a spouse down to "what is in it for me".  When a spouse dies, unless someone is particularly bitter and/or resentful, those matters are the last thing on people's minds.  Maybe it's on the mind of the rest of the family who weren't in the relationship.

In any case, I probably don't watch those movies or hang with those people.  Not everyone is in a marriage for fraudulent reasons.  There may be some people who do it, but in my experience they are not in the majority.

_{Sorry but I had to read that aloud to understand it because I don't do text speak! (Boy I must be getting old!)}

@ poster - for a man to break up with you then ask you to cook for him is an insult.  Is he family?  No, he has a girlfriend, let her cook for him.

In short, it seems that your ex wants to have his cake and eat it.  Choice is yours whether you allow this type of "friendship" to continue.

@ wale

You may need to reconsider the kind of woman you choose to get into relationships with.

@ poster

By "honeymoon" if you mean a break with the two of you together relaxing after the stress of the preparations, the all-nighters and the wedding, then yes.

If you're talking about a trip to a place you have no interest in just to say you've been there or because madam demands it, then no, that isn't necessary.

What you do need is time alone together before the realities of married life start flooding in.

posakosa:
swear is not the only thing my friend---- she will probably, burn you alive------ 

The reality is that none of us know what our future holds.  And you would probably deserve that burning!

Fhemmmy:
we are not talking about the age, but what are the things that are needed for her to have achieved?

I think you missed my point - the answer to your question is in the rest of my reply. 

That response was for those who are saying that a woman should be married by x or y age.  All I'm pointing out is, as much as we may think this is the case, none of us know how our lives would turn out in advance.  That only happens in films.

Probably not likely. If the condom broke not long after her last period, THEN you might have a real reason to worry.

deeplo:
People, this has always been what comes to my mind everyday and i will like to hear your opinion about it.
Most couples tend to love each other till death do them apart but one thing is certain someone has to die first.

The wife would want the husband to go first because she want the property or will to be in her favour and belong to her alone ( but most will prefer to say "for her children".
while the man will want the woman to die first so that he can become youth again and live life while it last.
Which ever way it goes death is inevitable, but who would you prefer to die first and state your reason.
thank you

That is pretty dumb reasoning - might be true for young couples or those who are unhappily married.  For older couples and those who have been together for years the last thing that woman is thinking about is getting her hands on property and the man thinking of being young again.

Do you know what it's like to lose someone that close to you?  It is the kind of heartbreak and pain you wouldn't wish on anyone.  It's like being stuck in a nightmare you can't see the end of.  It's not the kind of thing you get over in a hurry either.

Not all men re-marry or relive their youth when their spouse dies, and many women are quite happy to leave the family home because the memories are too painful. In fact, most of the time they are shadows of their former selves.

Some of y'all need to calm down and await the gist

Here's the thing - what about the fathers?  What about those men who father children, disappear and their other family only find out about it years later or when they die?

It seems to me that this is more acceptable than - God forbid - being a single mother!

There is no defined age for when a woman is ready for marriage "there's a time and a purpose for everything under the sun".  A woman could be ready at 22 but not marry until she's 42.  She could not be ready at 25 and meet someone - there are no hard and fast rules about this.

It is important that a woman marry someone who compliments them and is compatible with them.  Know who suits you and who is suitable for you.  Not every man is a match and vice versa.

It is good for couples to have shared interests, as well as their own interests.  Inter-dependence is the key.

A woman should be comfortable in her own skin so that she is able to share her life with someone else.  Mature enough to deal with the ups and downs of life, because they are many and they are very real.

Not everyone who gets married is mature, some learn difficult lessons along the way but stick at it.  Very few people nowadays are committed to anything, how on earth do they expect to understand the commitment which marriage requires?

Marrying another person isn't a "package deal", you don't get everything you want in one person and assume they will never disappoint you. 

Most importantly, marriage requires commitment.  It's not about sex (that can be worked on), or looks (they change and everything goes south after a while), it's about fidelity in spite of the temptations, love and patience even when they get on your last nerve, being able to bring out the best in someone and seeing the best in them.  "Love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"

big rod:
these girls are now blaming god and pastors for getting married late instead of themselves

Are you saying it's God's will that every single person be married?

Please humour me and explain your "logic".

Peckham is a place I would go if I had no other choice, even then I avoid making eye contact otherwise I would laugh too much - those places are rough!

Ever been to Dalston?  Like Thornton Heath, over the years I have watched the area evolve from a promising diverse area to a run-down borderline ghetto. 

That's the saddest part.  Why is it when people move into these areas they get worse and not better? And people think this is a good thing??

Gekko:
Before everyone indicts this woman, how do we address the fact that SEX, in my opinion, is a physiological need, just like breathing or eating.  Her husband has been  away for 2 years, how could anyone expect this woman to remain celebant?

Have to disagree with your analogy here; we need to breathe and eat to stay alive, sex is not a necessity in life.  A desire, an urge, but we can live without sex. 

Don't mix it up with the fact that she has had to manage without sex for 2 years, albeit involuntarily.

sexyLeamon:
loooooooooooooooooooolzzz this is a forum who cares anyway ignore what u don't understand.

This sentence is a perfect example of lax Ingrish

[quote author=*Hauwa* link=topic=10065.msg4892357#msg4892357 date=1257806735]NL guys with biggie belle eh, wrong place to ask

i can and i live in a city known for its snows  and ski fans including some blacks[/quote]Show off - just rub it in!

smoothman:
@Asiwaju
You are such a low life.Better go find a job doing.At 21 ist century all you do in Europe is taxi driving,You suppose to be ashamed of yourself for showing your stinking face on this thread,i wonder what your family back home thinks about you,well you must have told them a very mighty lie(Am working in oil company, hahaha )
And you even have the guts to say you invited your relatives to join you in taxi driving,hahahahahahaha
i dont know people can still be this shameless.Please go look for a life

Nobody who's worked hard and honestly for a living need be ashamed on any level. We look forward to hearing your "success" with your visa application.

I've always wanted to ski but never got around to doing it. My brother and I were even planning a skiing holiday in North America but it didn't happen.

It's one of those things I hope to try at some point.

If what has been said about the Fiance is true and I suspected this was the case, I would not be attending this wedding. Don't want that on my conscience.

olanajim:
@hadiza,
am sure the poster would have made her choice. The thread is an old thread and the lady is ok by now. As for you, I don't see any similarity between your situation and hers. Read her story again.

Your ex was telling you by when deleting your picture from your phone, that you are not that important and that he can't show the world you are his.

And by buying him the latest phone, you made it look as if you are desperate to have him. I am not saying you are wrong to want him or to buy him gift. I suspect, however that you must have gone beyond your brief. Just an opinion.

Your opinion is totally valid and I agree 100% with you. 

Still, would love to know what decision she made in the end.

Rosby: But must men complain of not being comfortable with it. What if your man gives such complain. Will you still compel him to wear?

There are loads of threads like this, but this has got to be the dumbest often-repeated excuses for not wearing a ring I've heard.

How many women wear rings before they're married? Not all do.  Are they always comfortable with it?  No, they have to get used to it - just like the man does. 

Marry and don't buy rings in the first place - tie some garden vine around your finger instead, it's cheaper and you can throw it away afterwards!

Fhemmmy:
Any black marrying a white in America or western world is marrying across culture as well.
Western knows all about western, and what happen to the foreigner that they marry? let dem feel the heat a lil. . . . 

Ah you see, it's a bit more complicated.  The problem usually comes in if it's the woman marrying the man, because women are the ones who do most of the compromising/accommodating, and that is where culture will play a part.

Marrying across races doesn't necessarily mean it will be cross-cultural.  A White Brit marrying a White American, or a Jamaican marrying a Nigerian would be considered cross-cultural.  Black and white Americans marrying each other could be bi-racial but not necessarily cross-cultural.

For two people from similar backgrounds - as in the case of the grandchildren of first generation migrants who've only lived in the West along with their parents - the lines are a lot more blurred.  Hope that makes sense.

Fhemmmy:
Yes it is possible . . . but is it common to find one that don't cheat? I am not sure, cos most men seems to enjoy the extra activity

Yes it is possible, I've met quite a number of them. That's not to say they haven't been tempted, they just don't take the risk or want the hassle.

Interesting thread.  What I'd like to know is where are the Baptist churches in Lagos and different parts of the country?  The Convention's website doesn't help (unlike the Church of Nigeria's  )

Did you know that the Nigerian Baptist Convention is the second largest affliated to the the Baptist World Alliance?  Any one going to next year's Baptist World Congress in Hawaii?

Yes it is possible, there are not just a few out there but A LOT, they rarely blow their own trumpet.

The temptations out there are the same as in years gone by, just with different clothing.

Some of you seem to hold men to low standards, which is sad.  What standards are you setting for your sons/nephews if this is how low you think of your gender?? 

How about YOU being the difference rather than looking at what other men are/aren't doing?

Fhemmmy:
ouuccchhhhh . . . . below the belt

Because it was a cross between "scumbag" and "iceberg"?   

@ Simon

I'm trying to reconcile these:

* You claim to be God fearing, but you transgress your vows to your wife before God and have sex with someone who isn't  your wife.  Bet you didn't tell wifey what happened, right?

* You believe in God but will not acknowledge you forcefully had sex with someone (hint: a 25-minute struggle should tell you your advances weren't wanted)  This woman isn't your wife pretending not to want to have sex with you, she didn't want to have sex with you full stop.  Or does this normally happen with women who aren't your wife?

* You "fear" being sent back to the ghetto - but I'll bet you had unprotected sex with her, right?  Do you think there are possible consequences?

I don't think this is a case of "he who is without sin" and Nairalanders trying to lambast you, what really gets posters is that you refuse to accept that what you did was wrong.

Wonder what has transpired over the past few months?

Mexy_fly should have saved up enough by now to move home,