₦airaland Forum

You are very correct.

Anyway, it is all about individuals. I just hope some people learn to seperate good from bad when giving one another a chance.

Except for few bad eggs with multiple usernames, you would find many are fine gentlemen out there.

Somze my pal, I didn't mean you have no genuine complaint. Beside, I was refering to itiye. By the way, I don't know what the bone of contention is, hence why I can't intervene in your case and that of iice. By the way, it may be the voice of Esau and Hand of Jacob. Who knows.

My suggestion is that you and iice trash things out amicably. I am sure she would reason with you. I'll see you on YIM, somze. Sorry, I've been offline since.

Iice,
you too! I have make it a point not criticize friends, thanks to Almondjoy, on public forum. You may be right, but always let them have a second chance. I believe you guys will work it out sha.

You!

Sly,
please tell that guy you mentioned he would wait forever! No virgin would want to marry 40 year old man if he is not a king.

@poster,
There are men that for one reasons or the other refused to marry. Even those who are comfortable sometimes have excuses. Did you know that the Speaker of Nigerian House of Rep is still single, probably searching? There you go!

Liftedon,
I don't mind the soup as long as it offer me normal nutritive value.

What is this owo soup? I hope it isn't also a pepper soup? I won't like spending all days gulping water.

And the kpa garri, isn't it like any other garri in the market? I am used to conventional lagos garri Ify, please clear the air.

@K,
no one had anwswer the question on the shrine. I am just surprised they have a shrine for circumcision. I hope it is a faded culture?

Ify,
I am yet to know how to make fried bean even though I had been waiting to have a taste. I was on Romance section trashing out a riddle with Almondjoy. I wish she were from Isoko. It would be a perfect root.

Ufobabe,
wadoo! Hope you are cool?

Who is itiye? And why are they using this thread to launch attack on you ladies?

Were they interested in being nairaland moderators?

Iice, learn to ignore posts that are unfriendly.

Sam milla,
No sir, I didn't learn proverbs. I learned postverbs. Please teach me song of love!

Song of love
brothers in love welcome infatuation. Welcome Sam Milla the lovefatuation coach!

Emma,
that is strange. Anyway, I pray for you. What about the other guy? I thought he IM you after the discussion? I am really interested in what happen 'cos I sure must draw inspiration from you guys.

The life is indeed meant for broadminded. The weak pretends to be strong. The strong hid themselves in coconut shells.

What next, emma?

If infatuation is a FAKE YOUNGER BROTHER as you put it, SAM MILLA, how come are they from the same parents?

Gosh! Firing from all cylinders!

Points taken!

On that monk issue, CUL! I sure have a joker!

Emma,
tell me the storm is over. The bride is home for super!

Hope you got my point?

Modupsie,
I quite disagree with you on your friend's prediction of the new guy! I am a man and can tell you any man know how to "say" as long as it never happened. There is a great difference between something that had happened and something that is happening. You MUST NEVER TRY TO PREDICT A MAN'S REACTION TO UNCERTAIN FUTURE EXPERIENCE WITH 100% guaranttee. By that your statement, you assumed the man is perfect. That is wrong! Saying that she would forgive without it happening is fallacious. Try him. After the dust is settled. Tell the new guy that you made love to your ex and had gotten pregnant again! Watch his reaction and ask him if he would forgive you and marry you that way! Please be serious. Try it. Ensure that it is done as though it were real. One month or two. Get a fake pregnancy test result. Test the water. Then give us a feedback in 3 month! If you can do this, you would widen your experience.

I commend her resolve to be patience and observe things. That is the best decision. It mean she won't lose on both sides.

On a personal note, I am seeing a lady whose mind can easily be swayed by outward evaluation. Let her work on herself before marriage. A good combination of Almondjoy (1% though) frankness and Olanajim's open-minded plus her meekness will see her through.

She must give a time frame for that experiment and also try to see if she can influence her ex's spiritual outlook. While doing this, she should pray for guidance.

Best wish!

Modupsie,
I quite disagree with you on your friend's prediction of the new guy! I am a man and can tell you any man know how to "say" as long as it never happened. There is a great difference between something that had happened and something that is happening. You MUST NEVER TRY TO PREDICT A MAN'S REACTION TO UNCERTAIN FUTURE EXPERIENCE WITH 100% guaranttee. By that your statement, you assumed the man is perfect. That is wrong! Saying that she would forgive without it happening is fallacious. Try him. After the dust is settled. Tell the new guy that you made love to your ex and had gotten pregnant again! Watch his reaction and ask him if he would forgive you and marry you that way! Please be serious. Try it. Ensure that it is done as though it were real. One month or two. Get a fake pregnancy test result. Test the water. Then give us a feedback in 3 month! If you can do this, you would widen your experience.

I commend her resolve to be patience and observe things. That is the best decision. It mean she won't lose on both sides.

On a personal note, I am seeing a lady whose mind can easily be swayed by outward evaluation. Let her work on herself before marriage. A good combination of Almondjoy (1% though) frankness and Olanajim's open-minded plus her meekness will see her through.

She must give a time frame for that experiment and also try to see if she can influence her ex's spiritual outlook. While doing this, she should pray for guidance.

Best wish!

Modupsie,
I quite disagree with you on your friend's prediction of the new guy! I am a man and can tell you any man know how to "say" as long as it never happened. There is a great difference between something that had happened and something that is happening. You MUST NEVER TRY TO PREDICT A MAN'S REACTION TO UNCERTAIN FUTURE EXPERIENCE WITH 100% guaranttee. By that your statement, you assumed the man is perfect. That is wrong! Saying that she would forgive without it happening is fallacious. Try him. After the dust is settled. Tell the new guy that you made love to your ex and had gotten pregnant again! Watch his reaction and ask him if he would forgive you and marry you that way! Please be serious. Try it. Ensure that it is done as though it were real. One month or two. Get a fake pregnancy test result. Test the water. Then give us a feedback in 3 month! If you can do this, you would widen your experience.

I commend her resolve to be patience and observe things. That is the best decision. It mean she won't lose on both sides.

On a personal note, I am seeing a lady whose mind can easily be swayed by outward evaluation. Let her work on herself before marriage. A good combination of Almondjoy (1% though) frankness and Olanajim's open-minded plus her meekness will see her through.

She must give a time frame for that experiment and also try to see if she can influence her ex's spiritual outlook. While doing this, she should pray for guidance.

Best wish!

Modupsie,
tell her to stop the new guy from discussing marriage until further notice! Your friend is not being rational. Why is the new guy suddenly rushing to marriage? Did your friend told him of her dilema? Why not? Marry or not, the father of her children will still come knocking if he is a stubborn one. She would be adding to her own problem by rushing to marry in the midst of her confusion. Let the new guy know what is happening. He would eventually know in future. And if the balance tilt to his favour, it would be sweet victory.

Jk,
I got your message it made alot of sense and I agreed with you. But, I don't think women should use that as an excuse to be hostile to men.

It is well.

Overall, I don't the poster want her ex back! She is only confusing herself. Experience is the best teacher.

Teriba,
thanks for that inclusion. Since the lady was harping so much on the kano saint being more Godly, I advise her to follow a post made by born again man on this section. 2 MONTHS PREGNANCY AFTER 1 MONTH. Let see how true born again can be when the face critical decision that bother on forgiveness and maintaining cordial relationship after marriage. It is good to learn from others.

It is as said. But "Dating Market" is not like commodity market. You have to use your head more than your eyes.

At times, most cases, you won't find what you set out to buy. You either have to do panic shopping or go home empty handed. Wise men know that panic shopping don't pay.

What is more, you can enjoy the market if you don't go after the crowd. Life is good!

Your replies on my questions, I strongly believe do not represent your innermost core values. I am very much aware you love kids alot and I don't see you throwing them away without giving the man the fight of your life. I also don't believe you would frolic with a saint lover in france while leaving your kids to uncertain 50-50 future chance of survival.

You said those things because you have a wonderful guy who understand. Someone you trusted. Every gal want such man! You also know that there is law where you live that would protect the kids. This is Africa, there is no such law! And if there are, it is not effective.

That said.
It is indeed a matter of choice.

Let me narrate briefly what is happening to my neighbour. I'd posted it somewhere before.

The lady, had 2 kids for a guy who is unserious. Then she met an old man who works as NURTW employee. True, the old man was caring, sypathetic, kind, maybe rich. And is even an Alhaji. She eventually marry him and had a kid for him.

Last week, the lady returned to her family. Her daughter is just 8 months old.

Reason? She found that the man she so much adored had alot of skeletons in his cupboard. 7 wives all estranged and still flirting!

I know this is an extreme case. My point is, most men would never reveal their true colour until you marry them. The few that are straightforward and frank always stay Dating Market for a long time.

The time to use religion, born again or Alfa as yardstick for measuring human character is fading. Just last weekend, one of my friends whom I have never seen or known to flirt or but recently married was telling me he is in search of second wife! His daughter is yet to be one year old!

I thought it was a joke until he started justifying himself from the scripture. I had to end the dialogue before he transfer the "polyvirus" into me.

In short, everyone must think deeply when deciding to marry. I wish women want to hear the truth!

Compromise? Definitely, Yes! I always have an open mind as you can see from my posts. But it is hard bargaining for me. Well, I have seen ladies who can handle that part of me even on nairaland. I am just afraid they would end up changing me! You know women are natural persuaders. The key is to realize I am not an overtly sentimental person. I look at things from logical point of view and from other people's angles. And I hate to judge others unfairly.

Definitely, I don't see myself having a failed marriage if I venture into one. I like your argument in a sense that you indirectly align with my ideology in that aspect. But I'd rather have a failed courtship, or failed engagement than have a broken marriage. Once, however, kid is involved, I am sorry, I will have to do anything to make it work. I don't want more that one woman. That means I will compromise. I may do it for the kids.

Your happiness as mother matters. I am strange but normal. You can't love kids without their mother. It would destroy everything you labour for and send the wrong signal to children. So making their mother happy is inevitable. Anything else is a failed marriage. My vow is never to argue with my would be wife in front of the kids. But, the kids would be there ALWAYS when the argument is intellectual and would be encouraged to contribute!

Compromise? Definitely, Yes! I always have an open mind as you can see from my posts. But it is hard bargaining for me. Well, I have seen ladies who can handle that part of me even on nairaland. I am just afraid they would end up changing me! You know women are natural persuaders. The key is to realize I am not an overtly sentimental person. I look at things from logical point of view and from other people's angles. And I hate to judge others unfairly.

Definitely, I don't see myself having a failed marriage if I venture into one. I like your argument in a sense that you indirectly align with my ideology in that aspect. But I'd rather have a failed courtship, or failed engagement than have a broken marriage. Once, however, kid is involved, I am sorry, I will have to do anything to make it work. I don't want more that one woman. That means I will compromise. I may do it for the kids.

Your happiness as mother matters. I am strange but normal. You can't love kids without their mother. It would destroy everything you labour for and send the wrong signal to children. So making their mother happy is inevitable. Anything else is a failed marriage. My vow is never to argue with my would be wife in front of the kids. But, the kids would be there ALWAYS when the argument is intellectual and would be encouraged to contribute!

Fabiyi,
I was tempted to agree with you. But,I want you to know that men that can do that abound.I am comfortable with a baby who is not mine. But two? That is problematic.Their father would use that as an excuse to turn my house to mecca.But, if he can stay away for good, why not?

I won't be the first to do it.Currently, my dad last wife had two kids for her late husband. Two of them are initially with him but I understand only one is left now & they are doing well. Ironically, the woman does not treat the last child from dad's estranged wife well. Most of such injustice spew from women not men.

The new guy may accept her kids & treat them well.The truth is that the kids won't grow up in a proper way. Not in the present day environment. As long as they love their dad, they would rather stay with him than follow mum to eldorado. However, if their dad is a useless father, they would stay away from him and probably grow up with grandma.

Aj,
I wish I'd come across you and marry you. I would have changed your ideology about men. I know I can do it. Unfortunately, we are friends not lovers. And I am not excited about marriage anyway. I love being a monk.

The adage "a known devil is better than unknown angel" is nothing but adage. We know like other time tested adages, it can fail.

I want to ask you the following questions:
1. After the lady accept the new guy, do you think the old guy would allow her take the children away, If he won't let her take them to kano?
2. What kind of future do you anticipate for the children? How will the lady combine her new responsibily as a new wife to kano guy with nursing 3-5 year old children?
3. At that tender age, the kids know nothing. Can't pass judgement. What do you think their attitude to their mum would be if they, as a result of missing her mother touch, find themselves on the wrong side of life?
4. Have you ever seen a widow at 25 who refused to remarry and choose to take care of her kids? What do you think of her?

It must be when people like you entered.

jk,
let not turn this issue into gender war. I was reasonable enough to make a clear exeption, making outright condemnation of a man you hardly know is the least expected way of judging an unknown. The lady admitted that she also had some shortcomings like refusing to respect him, and athjer things, please read the post again,

wuith that background, it is not far away to see why a good man can turn bad,

I have been a victim of such things in the past. In which a recalcitrant lady turn me to my worst, fortunately, we were not married, I had to run before relationship developed. When I left, she started calli8ng me bad names, I accepted my "badness" as I know deep down in me that it wopuld be a disaster going inyto relationship with her, I never listen to anyone who asked me to look at her religion backgoung and other shits people called looked at in woment like beauty, educvation, and cook, I was past caring! In a nutshell, anny man could have reacted negativelty to a lady who do not resopect him. It is anopther thing however to state what the man mean as respect, but from the ladies post, I quite understand it clearly and she admitted it.

I will never allow any lady to take me from granted no matter her social standing. I pray never to fall into such ladies. And if she turn out to be my lots, I would do anything in my ability to cast out the demon in her, but if she is an irredemable problem, God help us!

As for men eating their case and have it, it is not so, the sins is not gender based, women also do the same, by the way, did you read about m,y step mum? she is a good example!

Aj,
Yes, I know waht you mean, I never subcribed to cheating. I also make a case for kids and not for husband, But, like I said, you don't make a blanket jusdgment about a man you hardly know. In my life, based on experience, I have discovered that whgernever there is argument of conflict am,ong two people, everyone of them would state their case in a way as to make the other person the guilty person. you know this better than I do. Therefore, I would urge you tyo restraioned yourself from passing such a a open judgement, I have seen it before and I know how it can be, I was the victim, but because I was a silence voice, I was made the gilty, till date, I was wondering whethyer human being ever act based on lgic.

mark you, the man may and may not change. it depend on what actually motivated his change of attitude. Once agin, I remind you thatthe lady said she was not like that when they started, He turned to beast for a reason best known to him. I therefore refused to blame him or condemn him. At least until I know him.

for the time beaing, the lady would have to do the thinking. There are information that are available to her which we don't have, we must never put ourself in place of god who can see all things hidden from view.

My positiopn stands as posted earlier.

If marriage is all about feelings, there will never be a broken home. "Feelings" is what drove her to the ex's bed and got her pregnant; "feeling" is what made her tolerate the ex while he flirts; "feeling" is what drove her to the arms of kano guy; "feelings" is what made her think of her kids even when she find love in the arms of another man. . .believe me, if she were to continually base her decisions on "feelings" she would be vulnerable and keep moving round the circle.

Talking of the kano guy standing by her in time of trouble, you got it all wrong! I recently underwen study on human relations and focus on our reaction to people. Something that stunned me most after the study is that we tend to agree and love someone who does not antagonise us whether we are right or wrong. We also stick to people who listen to us whether they act or not. From my perception, the magic that the kano guy did was to LISTEN TO HER TRAVAIL WITHOUT CONDEMNING HER AND IN SPITE OF THAT,MAKE HER FELT SPECIAL. That is what everyone want. That is what you call standing by her in time of trouble.

Back to the guy, if she had no feeling for the ex, I will not advise her to return to him. Nevertheless, she must find means of safeguarding her kids' future. We all have different goals in life. Children like hers' are all over the place. It is like she is torn between her love for her kids and her love for kano guy. Both with implications she will live by.

Lest, I tell you my mum had a near similar problem. Dad was polygamous and seem bend on marrying another wife. She was faced with leaving her children and goin for a new life. She told us that she stayed because of us. She stopped having feeling for dad over 20 years ago. But today, she had her joy in us and even went on to win dad's respect. The key? She was independent of dad financially and emotionally and devoted her life to her children

Today, we are all on her side!

Time is changing. Let your choice reflect your aspiration in life

For those asking the girl to stay with the new guy, I am afraid that is a short term remedy.

I had 3 grown up step brothers from a woman who left my dad several years ago for reason that bother on love. She met another man and started seeing my dad's shortcomings. With her last child barely a year old, she was convinced that the new man is "far better". She took the risk, and eventually got pregnant with new man leaving three kids for my dad.

Then she disappeared for years without knowing much of what her kids are going through. Somehow, the new husband, dies and she suddenly remembered she had kids elsewhere.

Before you crucify her, I must tell you that she is a very "good" woman. She is even educated while my dad didn't see the four walls of the classroom. Nevertheless, she made her decision.

Last year, october to be precise, I mediated between her and her grown up kids. The children had grown up to hate her with a passion. They call my mum "mother", while they calls their own mother name!

I saw the woman cried right in my room. I am sure she know what it meant to throw beautiful children at unknown world. Just to avoid polygamy. She is united with them now. But, she still doesn't have permission by my dad to see them. She had to meet them in secret confinement of my home to avoid trouble.

What am I driving at? This is not USA or UK where social security, and other laws that protect children exist. You must take into cognisance the future of those kids in whatever decision you want to take. They may turn out to be your saviour when thing go awry for you in future. Yes, I strong recommend that you take back their father, if he can demostrate that he is a better man. No, I don't want you to go back just for the kid. But you must find means of safeguarding the kids' future. One kid is ok. But two? Don't be hasty in your judgement.

Unfortunately, this thing happen regularly here. The result is morally corrupted society.

The choice is yours and yours alone!

Modupsie,
in all honesty, I would advise the lady to give it a deep thought. She must not reject the ex just because she found a saint in kano. And, she must not hurt the kano saint unfairly. She will regret it!

If she were my sister I will tell her to let the kano guy know what is happening. Why? Because kano guy would either react or response. Watch him! His maturity would be exposed during the period and his response would either bring the best or the worst out of him! Afterall, he knew you had kids before. Let the lord speak to him.

Next, she need to have a good chat with the ex. She need to create time to evaluate him. Since, she admitted she was wrong in a way too, she should not blame the man for all the woes.

Through that interaction, she will know whether to return or to keep the kano Saint forever. It is not difficult. And should she decide to marry Kano saint, I would warn her to remember it took her four years to know the weaknesses in the father of her children, she must at least date the kano guy for 3 years to see if he is indeed an angel. Ordinarily, I cannot relate with somebody for a month without knowing him or her if I choose to. Those, who had had encounter with me know I ask questions. Some of those questions are personal but your response help me alot to know who you are or whether we can relate. However, it takes some people years before they know a man they had been living with!

Infidelity? If that is the ex sin, then, I am afraid, it maybe incurable. Most men resort to infidelity when the home is too hot for them. However, since he was not like that before things fell apart, I think he might change. Thank God, you didn't say he is a wife beater.

The solution: talk to your ex and evaluate his new state. But don't give him a full commitment until you are satisfy. And if he is just buying time, please end the communication and run!

@ olanajim, the trial marriage was not planned but happened because she wants her child delivered in her (baby)father's house not with her own parent. And she did not just quit but had to be taken out of his house by her grandma because the pain was just too much.


that is bad enough. I think it mean women should stop clinging to men just because of pregnancy, I have a cousin whose husband is bad, the father told her to go and deliver the baby. After that, she came back home and continues her life,


Finally, do me a favour, ask her what the problem she had with her ex is and what the thing the man did that made her quit. Post it. Maybe they are minor, or unpardonable, who knows
well, from what i know infidelity was one of the problems and he complains about everything and anything.
also late nights and on her part he complains that she does not respect him and not submissive, which she has worked on now.
[quote][/quote]what do you mean by , " he complains that she does not respect him and not submissive, which she has worked on now." ? what has she worked on? and who?

Aj,
I think you have a good point. When a relationship is proving to be irredeemably cursed, it is foolhardy to hang on to it and endure the torments it brought whether it has kids in it or not. Yes, I agree wholeheartedly to that. But NO, I disagree with that trial marriage and those things you added to it. I believes the trouble with many of our youth in that age bracket is that thex equate sex with love. Compassion, empathy, and closeness is never equivalence to love. What is more, when a girl had a crush on someone, she started thinking of love!

I will never subcribe to trial marriage even though it is allowed in some religions including Islam. (though it is resented in muslim world). It is meant for the mature and not the teenage mothers that are just tasting the forbidden fruits.

On that prayer stuff. Again, I get the point in it. Many people are using prayer as an excuss not to think. If the lady fall into that category, I am sorry she would be disappointed. We need to understand that prayers lighten our tasks NOT remove them. The girl should pray for guidance and think with her head.

@poster,
tell your friend to put aside love at this junction because it is apparent she still have feelings for her ex.

Is she willing to live with her "ex" shortcomings?
Has the ex shown her convincing reasons that he is a changed man?
If she return to her ex, will her parents consent to the marriage?
If she return, did she has enough shock absorber to absorb the negative influence of her ex habits?

Finally, do me a favour, ask her what the problem she had with her ex is and what the thing the man did that made her quit. Post it. Maybe they are minor, or unpardonable, who knows. I especially want to know so I can have a clearer picture. At times, it is just a passing phase in marriage. At times, it is not. Let hear it.