₦airaland Forum

At least you are honest and you know yourself well. That says something.

@ Sleekch1c

We ARE ALL WITH YOU.  You are hurting.  I read Firearms remarks from the beginning - he was really being supportive.  I think that you are sensitive right now.

He was trying to be helpful - many times when a man offers his phone number to be of assistance or tells you to contact him at times we women will think he is trying to be more personal with us than he is trying to be.

When he let you know that he was with TJ - he was trying to assure you that he is being genuine and not trying to get into your panties.  This was his way of telling you so you wouldn't take him the wrong way.

I think you mistook him somehow and thought that he was being rude to you when he wasn't.  He has offered himself to others as well if they need help.

You are hurting right now and we just want to help you through your hurt. Because all of us understand and do sympathize with you.

So go to him. He needs you.

Tink:

First, If it is TRULY OVER I agree with Jay Bee - change your email address - he has your information, you will be blocking forever because he will continue to change his email address so he can keep contacting you.


On Another Note:

It sounds like he doesn't communicate well verbally the feelings, frustrations, emotions that he has for you - to you and it sounds like you "shut down."  I don't know if it is because you are "afraid" of what might or might not happen because he is "expression-handicapped = inability through no fault of his own, to calmly express himself to you while his emotions are high".

He is probably not understanding your culture and has cultural expectations from you that you aren't understanding either.  This would be a reason that he would approach your dad - because in Africa this is what he would do and he is doing what "he knows and understands."  To you, approaching your dad might seem obsessive - but in many cultures, it is normal when there is a problem.

For instance it is normal and natural for him to expect you to definitely accompany him to America and he is offended that you won't do this, He sounds frustrated.  Were you aware of his expectations from a cultural point of view prior to becoming his woman?  Did you thoroughly investigate his expectations in the beginning?

You are on NL so you are healing by exposing yourself to opinions from Nigerians but your presence in NL also suggests somewhat that you will also date "another Nigerian" once you are ready to date again.  Which means that another Nigerian male "could very well have similar expectations of you."  I am dating and will soon marry a Nigerian man who lives in Nigeria.  I am familiarizing myself on a deep level with his culture and his personal expectations that he has of "women" and of "me" so I can be well aware of what is expected of me as I go deeper into this relationship.  I want to make sure our expectations match so he isn't frustrated and I'm not frustrated either and there isn't this blowup that can be avoided had either of us truly investigated the other.

Wherever he goes, I go and wherever I go he goes.  If I had kids, they would go too.  I understand that we are all different and I understand your reluctance to leave your family.  But you will have to face one day the same scenario.  Once you marry and/or are in a very serious relationship that would lead to marriage - your mate is NOW YOUR FAMILY.

queeneve:
The problem is that WE as human think FINDING LOVE IS FINDING perfection,

Love is not about being perfect or being HAPPY ALL THE TIME, there is no way we will be happy all the time, when you find that person who is worth fighting for then you will not lose that person because BOTH HEART is in the relationship, IT HARD FIGHTING ALONE WHEN ONE PERSON GIVES UP,

Love is about compromise, dedication, commitment, understanding, compassion, loyalty, and prayer.

If none of this is in the relationship, LOVE WILL NOT SURVIVE,

Queen:

I love this quote - this soo wonderful. Thank you!!! It is Very True.

Mobo you crack me up, you are soo inflammatory. What will I do with you?

@ Poster - yes, love does definitely exist.

A modern day marriage:

You both work
You both contribute
You both know that God controls the money and provides the jobs that he gives you to work so it isn't a man or a woman's $$$
You both cook and help with chores
Sex is off the chain and really fantastic
There are still male and female roles but you both lighten up alot because the world is in a recession

It takes 2 people to foot this load
Love each other through thick and thin - if you don't you are a hypocrite and just want to live a miserable existence just because society said it should be this way or that it should be that way because you were born a man or born a woman

IF I were a man - I wouldn't enter into a relationship with a woman unless I was employed.

I would hang out with female friends if I want female companionship.  But I wouldn't enter a relationship with a woman because I would be TOO BUSY LOOKING FOR WORK, WORKING SIDE JOBS (ODDS AND ENDS UNTIL I FOUND A JOB), JOB HUNTING, NETWORKING WITH EVERYONE AROUND ME UNTIL I FOUND WORK

A new relationship is time consuming - the time you are focusing on another individual is the time you should spend focusing on yourself and getting yourself back on track.

If you want va-j-j  go for that as that is short-lived.

You don't need any distractions as far as a relationship goes - because right now you need to get to work, even if this means looking at entrepreneurial opportunities and putting yourself to work by going into business for yourself.

You don't need to be opening your depressed state up to another person as it will "kill a relationship" = an unemployed, depressed man - what kind of "new boyfriend" would you be for someone?

You need to be FULFILLED and HAPPY and expanding your opportunities, broadening your horizons and then focus on another individual.  Also as soon as you start working, from what I hear about the Nigerian culture, you will be expected to provide for your girlfriend financially.  So you are going to take your 'new money' that has no stock account or savings account built up and give the little that you have to her?

Noooooo - just find a female companion to hang out with, focus on yourself and work and do the girlfriend thing later.

But that is only the opinion of one person - I am of little significance in the scale of things.

"Don't let the smooth taste fool you."

I love a strong black man.

I can be quite a handful at times.  I am timid, but I can also become extremely strong minded.  This is the Libra in me.  I also know when to bow out gracefully.  Many times it takes great strength to bite your tongue and plan to live again then to come full force to always have the last word in an argument.

I have "lived a little".  I ABSOLUTELY HATE A MAN I CAN WALK ALL OVER.  He becomes "punk" to me in my mind.  I LOVE A STRONG BLACK MAN that can handle me.  I am very intelligent so I will come at you from different angles.  Timid, Shy, Bold, Innovative, Creative.  I love Chess and will do what I have to do to make it happen.

It is rare that I have met a man that can win an argument with me and I LOVE IT WHEN I MEET MY MATCH because I feel that I can finally relax because this man knows my hiding places and is strong enough to withstand any wind that he sails our ship through.  IF I can talk you down and be the victor - I DON'T WANT YOU.

I am a strong woman and I need a man that is stronger than I am, everyone sees things differently but this is what I need and I will be the first to admit it and will be forthright about my needs and my desires, especially when it comes to my man.

If we disagree, which we rarely do, it is understood that on that day, his word is the last word.  But if I feel strong enough about a topic, I will bide my time, lie down for peace in the house and approach him in a different manner again until he meets me half way as this is OUR WORLD, NOT HIS OR MINE ALONE.

Thank you queen for posting this topic.

queeneve:
Awww,

That azzhole, well it will take some times, People just dont fall out of love right away,

Still write him a letter and burn it afterward, believe me it helps to get it out and then remove anything memory you have of him pictures, letters, and gifts, ANYTHING THAT TIE TO HIM,

It okay to grieve, take all the time you need and just keep writing him letters until you get every thoughts and feelings you have and DO NOT HOLD ANYTHING BACK,

I love this, it is very, very good advice. This really does work, I have done it and it is very therapeutic, you can get him out of your system w/o disrespecting him or yourself.

@ Poster

First of all dry your tears because mark my word and UNFORTUNATELY - THAT loser will be back in your life.

What I hate is that you will take him back because you are weak for him.

PLEASE GROW A BACKBONE.

The reason you are crying over him is because HE DUMPED YOU.

Had YOU DUMPED HIM - He would be devastated right now.

For some odd reason - the one who is dumped is the one who usually cries the hardest, longest and loudest.

I wish for YOUR SAKE that he was a man of significance so that once he returns AND HE WILL RETURN, he is worthy of you.  But in this case HE IS NOT AT ALL.  He is NO PRIZE to cry over.

Make a list: 2 Columns

1) List What you Like About Him
2) List What you didn't Like About Him

Post that up for you to see - DAILY - do this for yourself because from the sound of it - the negatives will outweigh the positives

Also, just so you can stop crying - START DATING, good looking men, funny men, just date to soothe and relieve your mind - you need to be spoiled right now but be honest with them and let them know you are just getting out of a relationship and please don't tell them what you just went through.

Also, don't mention your ex or regale anyone with stories of what you shared with the clown.  You want to laugh in their presence not make both you and your dates cry over your stupidity and over the manner in which you ALLOWED YOURSELF TO BE TREATED by your Ex.

The next time he saw me and any time thereafter - I would be looking like a million dollars.  But I would be looking like that for myself and NOT FOR HIM.

Start going to the gym, taking long baths with candles, cry hard and get dum-dum out of your system, go out with female friends, start dating, visit your family.

That [boy pretending to be a man]  will be back - PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU AREN'T THERE WHEN HE POPS UP.  START DOING YOU.

She can have him - Both of them did you a huge favor.  Praise God - the shackles are off your feet - YOU CAN DANCE.

Mobo:

Thank you - have a great weekend. I believe everything you just said about him. Your woman is very lucky too.

I don't what to think about you,

I just don't know.

I read your post and I have orange juice in my mouth and it flies out of my mouth across the room - I almost RUINED my computer,

You know I really do like you MOBO - you are soo different.  I admire you and your thoughts.  I'm sorry if I was upset with you on the other posts.

You and I could really be good friends.

You are sooo funny, my gosh and you are different and I like that very much.  You are breath of fresh air.  Your humor is something to behold.

You never stop - you come back at another angle even.  It is a joy to read your posts and to read the responses from all of the people - even if they are upset with you.  It brings zest to the day.

BTW - I LOVE MY YORUBA MAN.  HE is Nigerian.  I love him in a million different ways.

I totally agree with Queen

I'm sorry, I will calm down - I just sometimes cannot believe what I am reading - this crazy mess.

@ Elvismaxwe

You are very sweet.

@ Symbian03

Don't hate, Appreciate

It is very important that you stay in contact with him. Try to contact him at least once or twice a week. Reach out to him. I locked myself away for a few months and it took a very close family member to "force me" to talk, wake, eat, shower, etc,

Your concern for him is your "inner God voice" talking to you and directing you to contact - you are a man - he is a man, there must be a way for you to reach out.

I will pray for you and him.

Just keep checking on him. Be there when he needs you to be, I went through that, it was horrible, just checking on them and be kind and loving.

I like that - I need to work on that.

OneLuvNja:
Nawaoo, Shy-One, you sound nothing like your name. I do agree with you though, as a lady if you like a guy definetely don't throw yourself at him, instead, 'set yourself up to be chased'. The dude is currently in naija sha but as soon as he hits NYC I plan to get busy, nawaoo see planning. Anyway all the best with that your guy.

Thank you.  I am shy moreso around strangers.  I am bold with my man and family (immediate) - but have very little to do with any other - except on the job - I do what is expected.

This is your life - you better live it - you will have only yourself to blame if you don't.  Who is stopping you?  That is what God will ask you.  Who stopped you but yourself?

@ kokoye

Ohhhhh -ok

I wish you luck with this.

@ Vic2k3

Thank you for the correction and the thought process, interesting, I will remember that.

I had interaction with someone like that many times and I researched them over the years here is what I think:

1) They are wanting to discourage others from continuing contact with them - they are either so caught up in what they are thinking about or focusing on that they just want to make you go away or they aren't engrossed in anything and they just want to make you go away or they know very little about the topic and don't want you to know that they have no real idea of what your question is about and instead of being honest and telling you they don't know, they just either agree or disagree.

or

2) They have a hidden agenda and they are wanting to give you very little feedback to discourage your digging deeper

There is just so long that you can continue to have one-word responses without it getting really old and/or being viewed as negative on some level by others.   Most people, even shy ones will elaborate on a topic(s) at some time or another versus just one word answers all the time.

I wouldn't trust that, I would see that as odd.

I LOVE IT. 

Respect gets you EVERYTHING AND EVERYWHERE.

I love hearing him light up when we talk and I love to talk very lovingly to him and to hear him talk very lovingly back to me, makes me melt - inside and outside.

His laughter and our communication just flows and flows and flows.  I love respecting my man, the attention he gives to me and I to him makes all of our contact that much more exciting on many different levels.  The sex is better, our shared business ventures are great, etc.

There is a saying that you "get more with sugar than shyt."

I agree with Mobo444 and Kely XY and Omolola1.

Also,

I don't know but when I meet people with a "wonderful personality" who are well dressed and smell good and outgoing. Those elements alone seem to outshine your looking closer to see that they are either really plain looking and even ugly because their demeanor, smile, laughter, polished appearance pushes their looks into the background as most people want to be near them because of their magnetic personality.

I LOVE GO GETTERS - A motivated, driven, high energy, polished, good smelling man wins me hands down. So he might be ugly or plain on closer inspection - but the other pieces of who he is makes him look REALLY GOOD.

@ Poster

Everyplace IS NOT CALIFORNIA.  Have you lived there all your life? 

Because if you WERE NOT BORN IN CALIFORNIA you will know that basically The West Coast operates a whole lot differently than most of the rest of the World.

I have lived in 16 states within the U.S. by the time I turned 18 years of age.  The West Coast operates differently.  In Chicago your looks don't get you in the door especially when it comes to skills and abilities in a career job.  The looks go so far and then without brain, skill, education - you are BURNED LIKE DEAD WOOD - VERY FAST.

In regard to relationships - I have heard and seen MANY, MANY MEN marry ugly women. I was amazed, but they do and they are EXTREMELY HAPPY.  Because that "beast of a broad" and "ugly men too" will DO ANYTHING.  This is what I have seen and heard over and over again.

Myself personally if men aren't "butt ugly" - I will date them because looks NEVER LAST.  RARELY EVER.  Many factors turn those that were once "fine" to fat, old, ugly, scarred - the majority don't even recognize themselves up the road.  At 40 - washed up from drink and drug and bitterness of failed relationships they had with Beauty outside but Dirty/Putrid/Rotten Beast on the inside.  I have looked at friends of my parents when they were younger and today?  I'm like, "Who is This Person?"  That yesteryear syndrome - what they used to look like - you better remember it as it is alive and DOING QUITE well.

My thing is that when we walk down the street holding hands - if I have to explain you to other people who want to know why am I even in your presence, then I don't want to waste my time even associating with you.  For instance, if you talk loud and crazy, can't pronounce your words correctly (I don't do ebonics or however it's spelled), foul language, unkempt clothing, trying to be slick, breaking  your neck to look at other women passing by while you are with me, answering your cell phone instead of having it on silent.  G.O.O.D.B.Y.E.

For me - it's that I can no longer spend time with myself as much.

This past year I have been spending a lot of time with myself - AND I AM LOVING IT

Now that I am in love - I am giving so much of myself to my relationship - which takes time away from myself. So for that reason, I wish I wasn't in love.

I GIVE EVERYTHING when I love someone. Then when I love that person - it's hard to think about other things, I also always wonder how they are doing - even when we are not physically together, we are still together and that's just how it is.

When I am alone - I focus more on me - NOW, I focus on us. Which is good and which isn't good too sometimes. I would benefit more if I were alone. But I don't want to be without him because I love him so much - so now you see my dilemma a little bit.

I too am very shy. Sometimes almost crippling it is so extreme.

What helps me is to be able to think about something else. Like this NL forum - I am able to focus more on text that ppl type and my thoughts that I type when I respond.

Many times shy people come out of their shell when they are able to forget about "self." So focus on something else when you stammer.

There is a movie star in hollywood who plays the leading role in the movie sequel "Twilight" - it is known that she is very shy also and a very private person. But while acting she is able to step outside of herself and get her mind off of herself and focus on her craft at hand.

So I would suggest that you focus on things that you like. I focus on my work and my family. I find that in large groups and among people that I don't know - I have to really battle my shyness because at times people will misread you and think you are being rude or stuck-up and you are really just shy and uncomfortable.

Anyway - I understand what you are trying to say.