Topup's Posts

Nairaland Forum › Topup's Profile › Topup's Posts

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 (of 86 pages)

Romance › Re: My Ex Won't Reply To My Farewell Email by topup: 8:02pm On Jan 06, 2009

[color=#006666]Hmmm, funny thing I didn't write a goodbye letter but it might as well have been, I wrote a letter to break the silence after our breakup, it was when I finally could find it in me to talk to him again.

You know what, sometimes people's actions are misleading, and of course the breakup was messy as I was so in love and he just suddenly withdrew and I couldn't take anymore of having a boyfriend but not really having a boyfriend, and then I said the words 'It's over.' and it seemed as if he was relieved, set free.

Later he came over so that we could talk and begged for us to be friends. Later that same day a friend of mine saw him flirting with a girl and told me. My mind closed completely and with hindsight the guy didn't understand why I wasn't replying to his message a week later (as he didn't know that I knew he was partying and enjoying himself afterwards) - well it seemed to me he was happy to have me gone, so the email that was just saying; all the best for the future. . would have pissed him off even more. Man, now I understand! Simple!

Anyways, we are again on speaking terms, though there are still some questions to ask.

All the best for you Suga4ya. Remember if it is meant to be, it will be. Chances are he too still thinks of you, but I give kudos to the guys because they are often great at picking themselves up, though they do this thing too where they hold it all inside and pretend everything's okay but then unleash it on the next girlfriend in paranoia lol.

Seriously, knowing that if it is meant to be, it will be takes a huge load off your shoulder. . try not to think that he is celebrating without you or trying to spite you. I understand why it hurt you when he didn't reply; because you never wanted to say goodbye, you thought you made that clear, but the goodbye email probably made him think that you wanted nothing to do with him and that hurt him more. Appreciate that he is taking time out to think it through, because if you two are to be even friends in the future you must do this.[/color]

Romance › Re: My Ex Won't Reply To My Farewell Email by topup: 7:34am On Jan 06, 2009

spoilt:
Let bygones be bygones. Exes are strange. One day you'll open up your email and see a reply.It may be three years from today. Who knows?

[color=#006666]True, my cousin told me that it took a change of continent, university and lifestyle before an ex finally told her all that happened and lead to the breakup. Not sure she inquired or not, but he avoided contacting her for a whole 2 years! So yup, what spoilt said is right.

Though some come back ealier, I would be careful with the ones who initiate contact earlier, though a lot can happen in a short time, it is highly unlikely that your exs would have completely undergone a major personality makeover and lost all feelings to seek revenge or personal satisfaction.

I personally can't wait until the day I am happy for my ex to find a new girlfriend, because that is the day I will be set completely free.[/color]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 7:28am On Jan 06, 2009

H2O2:
Treetop,

Correct.

That and there is somebody out there drawing some inspiration from her story(ies).

[color=#006666]Hmmm, funny thing is in the topic linked by busy_body https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-215145.0.html I was in the same boat and I am able to stand back and understand better now, though my opinions haven't changed too much.

I think maybe sometimes it's good to have people who will share their weaknesses and equally good to have people who will help to pick you up, and both types of people have posted in this topic.

Nairaland. . hehe, I didn't think I'd still be here, but it's done so much for me I hardly can just disappear. It's the reason why I'm losing sleep, I am sure even Seun's in bed, but I don't mind.[/color]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 7:13am On Jan 06, 2009

Treetop20:
@topup
you really do not have to prove yourself to any of these wankers on this site
seriously you do not

[color=#006666]None of us should, but I have to say that I am more than 1000% sure that no harm was intended, I mean please make sure you subject me too to the same measure you do others. I'm not perfect I just have a way with words

In fact I know that my reaction to the word bully, probably distorted how I read the rest of the posts.

If there is anything to be apologised for, I apologise, I don't want anybody here to feel like I've bullied or targetted them, especially you busy_body. This isn't a tactic, this is 100% me, and now I seem "crazy". Great! undecided

P.S. Thanks H202.[/color]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 7:02am On Jan 06, 2009

Sisi Jinx:
Topup, you know me now. . . I am all for the rah, rah we are women, hear us roar *shake fists in the air* but in this case. . . I think calling guys on their untidy break up methods is wasted effort, I mean this is not the same thing as calling them out on their bad table manners. So saying we’re letting them off too easy is a bit. . . I don’ know like saying we are not making an effort to move a mountain.

[color=#006666]I agree with that, if someone refuses to discuss what happened, you can't force them, I am sure someone mentioned that before. I agreed as much. between, I pray you guys don't think that I did that? In the space of 8 months, I contacted 3 times, and that was because he came to visit me to beg to remain friends, I never called, just casual messages on facebook, which tbh he could have easily ignored, and he did [/color]

It is only human to want to avoid confrontation and with men, it is even more so. I have brothers who will give me what I want just because they want to avoid the whole drama which ensues from me not getting it. I have guy friends who give in to me just so they don’t have to face whatever mini pretend meltdown I have.

We. . . women know this about guys and we have used to our advantages many many times. So is it the same guy who readily give to minor things just to avoid confrontations we expect to sit down and have a “tidy breakup with up”, a situation which will no doubt lead to tears and recrimination? Come now! Let’s be real here.

[color=#006666]Yeah, I think it was slightly more than that, the guy wasn't too fussed about confrontation as after we broke up, he called once more to ask to come over and talk about the relationship, because he was aware that the last discussion left a bad impression of him as I told him it was over and he said nothing. It's all about mixed signals in my case, though I feel a bit foolish to have tried 3 times to at least breech the silence for the sake of friendship *Never again!*[/color]

Will it be nice to always have a clean break, with all the reasons laid out in a neat pile, even filed alphabetically or maybe according to seriousness? Of course!! Like you rightfully said, people should have a chance to learn from their mistakes (by the way, this is another thing that bothers me. . . why assume it your mistake? Why assume you were not the best girlfriend? Why assume the reason for the break up lie at your feet?)
However the chances of ever having a neat and tidy break where after it’s done, you are comfortable with the reasons given is very slim. Short of prying it out of their mouths with pliers, you’re not going to get much out of them and there is little or nothing you can do about it and trying to is why a girl is labeled crazy.

THIS Topup is what some of us are trying to relay here. . . a guy would much rather withdraw or act a jerk and have the girl break up with him than sit her down and starts listing everything that went wrong in the relationship.

Closure is good, closure is healthy but I don’t think you need another person to help you define your closure. [color=#000066]I agree with that.[/color]

Oh by the way, I don’t think we are attacking each other, I think we are having a heated discourse about them nasty guys . . . much like you would with friends over a bottle of sparkling apple cider. Hehehehe.

Once again, therein lies the problem. . . assigning the fault to the girl. She is not crazy. . . THE GUY IS A JERK, period.

The fact that is a JERK is enough for to have a perfect closure. In my opinion, waiting for them to give us reason for their behavior is like making excuses for them, we don't want to believe he is a jerk, so we leave ourselves open for whatever excuse he gives us. . . even if they are lies. Let his behavior speak for him and not the words out of his mouth.

Another glass of chilled cider?

[color=#006666]Hmm. . I know I promised not to speak on this again, but we are now on speaking terms and he called me for closure on a subject, can you believe! He called me to ask why I ignored him after he finally messaged me, I explained frankly (that's how I am) and I asked him why he too ignored me. We didn't speak about the breakup, but I was reassured from what, I do npt know. But, now it is like a forced friendship, I think I should cut things off slowly because he's not adding anything to my life, but what is the general consensus - including Busy_body even though she must think I have personal beef with her by now, but I don't I swear.[/color]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 6:50am On Jan 06, 2009

[color=#006666]Now, I'm on the extreme defensive because the picture that I am the sorry excuse for a person, that I wallow in self pity, that I call my ex everyday to ask him to come back to me, that I am waiting for him to tell me that I didn't do anything wrong, that I want him to make everything better is making me fed up.

I am so sad that I am getting defensive like this, after all everyone is welcome to their own comments, but I will tell you all ONE thing, to everybody else in the REAL world, nobody apart from my closest buddies knows how vulnerable I get at times, well noone but them and NL, and when I go out, I am a strong confident person. I hate being judged on my moments of weakness, I come here for refuge and I am not saying that you guys are attacking me, you are merely just trying to advice me the best you can. I appreciate that you've all taken the time to contribute to this post, and I admit it was my fault for using a personal example.

I hate feeling pushed into the corner, and I don't feel like I need to start spitting out the words like 'I'm a great person, I'm attractive, because I believe I am.'

Funny thing is no one on here even still knows the full story. No one knows that everytime I tried to move on that he would somehow contact me, and we are even on speaking terms and I have asked some questions. The journey is a lot harder for me than I predicted, I think I made an error by putting in too much of myself into this relationship, more than I initially thought. I am not going to continue with the sob stories but I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone.

Sincerely,
Topup. . the intimidator (apparently).

P.S. @ JJYOU I have no clue what reding is.[/color]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 6:44am On Jan 06, 2009

[color=#000066]Topup in blue[/color]

[quote author=Busy_body link=topic=211888.msg3307971#msg3307971 date=1231217721]Being tactful is not a strong forte of mine, I like to call a spade a spade,[color=#000066]but you are human and you make mistakes like everyone else[/color] because I believe the cliche that honesty is the best policy and truth is bitter[color=#000066]I agree![/color]. My mum can't stand me for this, because she always says it is not everything that you see, that you say[color=#000066]which funnily enough is also what my mum tells me about me and my bluntness, but whilst I am blunt I am also deep and sensitive because I am not made of rock[/color], whilst my friends have accepted me for who I am, that if you want to know the bitter truth, go to Dayo. I have not quoted anything out of context, [color=#000066]You did when you said[/color] "Common girl, the dude started messing up one month into the relationship, and you are here comparing it to Madeleine's case"[/color]and when you express your concern, you don't expect everyone to hold your hands, and pretend that all is well[color=#000066]No I don't but my concern never asked anyone to judge me, in fact when I asked questions such as 'so tell me who is wrong there' It was rhetorical, the way I phrase my arguments always lead in one direction, I rarely leave anything open[/color], you need people to call it as it is, as well. At the same time, as a Gemini, I have a very sensitive side too, and have been known to take on bullies [color=#000066]such as?[/color]on this forum, regardless of their might.

Now to serious business, When I saw this thread, https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-215145.0.html and the responses, what came to my mind was "hmmn, Nairalanders and their double standard" Why didn't these people show up in Top-up's thread? [color=#000066]And people so easily forget when I was new on the forum and a lot of advice and abuse was hurdled at me, for being slow, for being stupid for being too naive and I should have been stronger, like them, the way the deal with breakups. .[/color]Were [b]they scared she would over-analyse their post and make them lose their train of thought? Was it the pink writing? [/b]What I definitely know is that if they had been a bit tougher with your post and been equally brutal with the kick delivered up your backside, maybe you would have moved on. [color=#000066]Excuse me? Now I definitely take offence, were you even there 8 months ago? When I came here to vent out my anger and frustration of a relationship that recently ended? Since you weren't you can't comment about how people were to me, I repeat, I am not stupid, even before people have told me, I knew I needed to move on, but there is one thing saying it and another doing it, I have found out that doing it is not as easy as I thought, and I find it easy to do it when I'm speaking to supportive people on Nairaland who are tolerant enough to withstand my whining and confessions.[/color]

How many people came on that thread? What was the general consensus? [color=#000066]Did you read my reply?[/color]

Top-up, some things are just not worth ruminating over, and this is a classic example and if you don't stop and relax and enjoy yourself, it would happen again. How many ways do you have to be told that you do not need validation by a JERK? [color=#000066]I never said I needed validation, yes I know I tend to over analyse the situation, but you are painting a coloured picture using black and white crayons, the reason why I want closure is because despite how I get on with normal life and have moved on, there is still a part of me that wants to know what happened. I know who I am, and the funny thing is that despite all you say about me being a good person, it is so obvious you don't fully believe that, because you don't know me, you don't know if I'm a good person, you don't know if I was the full fault of the relationship and you don't know the type of guy I am dealing with, so if I was a terrible person who was the cause of the relationship, I would just listen to your advise 'I'm a great person, move on'. A relationship involves two people and just because I know I'm okay doesn't tell the whole story. Honestly, if you are just trying to ask me to shutup about my ex because you don't want to hear anymore, that would make more sense than this![/color] Why is it so hard to take comfort in this? [color=#000066]Because as I said above.[/color]Why do you have to worry yourself with the behaviour of an immature childlike man, as you say, why can't you live hard knock life to deal with his arse? No matter how much we castigate this evil, heartless and thoughtless guys, [color=#000066]I don't think he's any of those things [/color]and dwell on the issue and apportion blame, there is nothing you can do to change these people's attitude, they change if and when they want to.[color=#000066]I'm seriously not trying to change anybody lol.[/color]

As for waiting for his explanation about why he cannot commit to you, what if he does not have an explanation? [color=#000066]Do we do things without reason?[/color]What if that was not the main reason? Why don't you take solace in what StephenP said? [/b]Why don't you read the aforementioned thread for responses from the guys in the know?[color=#000066] I read the thread and replied, I thought what most people said was useful, and overall there weren't any posts I thought were completely out of line. This is going along with the same assumption that when I arrived @ Nairaland with zero posts that I was welcomed with open arms, and when I told them my 'sob story' people pitied me and didn't tell me the truth, that hurts because all I remember was having to be on constant defence, and at the time I wasn't even asking for him back or advice, I was merely referencing a lot of people's topics back to my personal experience.[/color]

With regards to the scenario, [b]methinks the current girlfriend is the crazy one for not challenging the dude's stance over picking up his calls. [color=#000066]Yup, and the guy is innocent! (sarcasm)[/color]Communication is very important in relationship, you should not have to watch what you say, or hold things back if you are honest with each other. As for girl X, she needs to move on, a mature, considerate guy would tell you whats up, if you press for answers and don't get a response, thats your cue to let you know you are dealing with an insensitive person, why risk them trampling your heart further, by going bunny boiler on their arse undecided

What happened to female pride? [color=#000066]Yup, girl X will move on after she figures out he's intentionally avoiding her, after he's told his current g/f that she's stalking him, let's actually give girl X a break, let's say she actually is holding part of the bargain, and let's assume the worst for the guy (sorry guys!) the guy's a player, he told girl X some sob story about how confused he was, and how he really wants to be friends with her, so maybe she is the overly nice type who is calling because now that she is finally getting over him she can be friends with him, but now he is ignoring her, and now she moves on, but I'm not saying she has been going over this for a long time, but she certainly has made many attempts to contact him, completely unaware that he had moved on and was playing her.[/color][/quote]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 5:52am On Jan 06, 2009

[color=#cc0033]Hmmm. . sorry about that.

Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing
Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3
Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3
Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3
wasa
dfsddasfasfasfefeTesting 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3
Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3Testing 1 2 3aee7u4wew
wewuef eiwew7uew r eowejw8ie jwfj fwqq6e wefwuibvnhejffeed[/color]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 5:38am On Jan 06, 2009

[color=#cc0066]Really?[/color]

Romance › Re: 29 Yr Old Virgin by topup: 5:29am On Jan 06, 2009

WesleyanA:
Use these trusty magic 8 ball answers to inform your decision on who to date if you want to remain a virgin till marriage:
you seem to need help
---

he is hairy? My sources say no

he is too muscular, looks like testosterone is seeping out of him? My reply is no

he is black? Don't count on it

he is asian? Outlook good

some of his best friends are girls, and a few guys? You may rely on it

he (likes to)hang out around mostly guys and has some close girl friends? Very doubtful

Did you meet him at church? Concentrate and ask again

Did you meet him in the club? Outlook not so good

----

seriously though. I wish you goodluckuntil you decide to join the monastery?. . .

[color=#cc0066]How lovely![/color]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 5:21am On Jan 06, 2009

[color=#cc0066]On my computer it shows up beautifully.[/color]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 5:16am On Jan 06, 2009

[quote author=Busy_body link=topic=211888.msg3307752#msg3307752 date=1231211153]Maybe, just maybe this was the reason why Olanajim rightly asserted that you were part of the problem and the reason why iice was talking about neon signs. Common girl, the dude started messing up one month into the relationship, and you are here comparing it to Madeleine's case undecided

What if you dated him for 3 years undecided

What if you married him undecided

The dude gave you a shortened version that;
Stop being unfair on the poor guy and stop painting him in a bad light angry

Hello . . . Coffee . . . smell . . . wakeup . . . For pete's sake, the dude gave you something to work with, he told you he could not commit to you wink

Now over to you to do the analysing, Sherlock Holmes ain't got a patch on you, sisthren grin

Err, yes, you Top-up cheesy

This forum needs you as our agony aunty wink

Phew, finally, thats more like it kiss

[/quote][color=#cc0066]I know that in this reply and the one above you were being jester and trying to lighten things up, but I actually am slightly. . a teeny bit offended. I have seen that tactic before, the whole quoting out of context. Within context it is clear to see that what has taken place on these last 14 pages is a discussion. A discussion which some people have changed their original stances and not just me. I don't feel targetted at all and I know there was no harm intended, but this is why I feel like getting closure and reassurance, because way too often people want to push their opinions on you, and as I argued strongly I will continue to argue that I believe closure is a valuable tool.

My initial point was that I have heard a surprising number of guys tell me their exs are crazy because they continue to call, but some guys just don't tidy up after themselves. I think we have been too easy on these guys (not all guys are like this I know. . yah yah). Now, instead of us pointing out the childlike behaviour in a 'man' who runs away from his problems, we are attacking each other, and then instead of the guy letting the girl know what's up, he just avoids confrontation, which is the MAIN issue, it's not because he has decided there is nothing to say, there is ALWAYS something to say, even when it's as simple as saying "I have nothing to say." If you can't deal all that comes with a relationship, stay out of them!
I have decided to no longer concern myself with the closure subject, and would much rather discuss what I set out to discuss. I don't want it to become personal because it has taken me almost 7 months to try and reasses who's fault things were, whether it was his or mine, or whatever, and I had to go through all of this crap because I didn't know what happened. Left stunned, just because someone says to you that they can't commit to you doesn't mean you understand what you did wrong, what went wrong or what happened! I think I will go back to my old method of not telling NLs my personal problems and woes, because I have found that in my time of vulnerability is when people will be pointing fingers. I mean who do you think is more hurt? The girl who's first love just ditched her after grooming her into a false sense of love AND commitment, who's even here on NL still talking about it or the guy who's moved on? *This is the part where I get the speech about moving on, because it's practically the easiest thing to do! (sarcasm)I've been doing that for 7 months and am usually fine until I read '*[quote author=Busy_body link=topic=211888.msg3307752#msg3307752 date=1231211153]Maybe, just maybe this was the reason why Olanajim rightly asserted that you were part of the problem[/quote], and I am supposed to believe that It wasn't my fault as some have tried to tell me?

All I can hear is 'topup, you are part of the problem because you did somethings which might have caused the relationship to end, you don't know what they are, and you shouldn't want to, because it might not be what you want to hear or make a lot of difference. You are still a wonderful person nonetheless and no one should make you feel like you're not, even when they treated you like you were worse than crap, now you should pick up your pride off the floor and carry on walking, and when you've managed that, never wish to speak to him, because that is scary just move on because he has.' - Fabulous! It's that good ol' practical advice again!

Anyways, before I start going too far, I think it's going to have to end here. You guys have made your points clear, I won't speak about my personal life anymore, I'll keep shut and offer my advice. Got it!!

Scenario:

A friend who's current boyfriend told her to ignore calls on his mobile from a girl named X, because X was a girl who you know was . . 'crazy' and couldn't get over him. Well, she couldn't leave it and when she found out the truth she realised that the 'man' she was dating was an irresponsible boy. It turned out that the girl who called the 27 year old b/f of this girl was only 18 and he had told her that he wanted to be together with her. . forever, but after she lost her virginity to him, he broke it off, he initially acted all different with her and then eventually admitted that he wasn't into her anymore and left. She then tried to contact him initially to get him back, but then after he ignored her for months and months, she forgave him and now wanted to call just to ask some questions that were still lingering in her mind, I mean she thought; "How could someone do this to someone unless the girl had some problems." One time though during the heat of the breakup he had begged her to stay friends with him. So now that she was a lot less sore, she calls about 3 months later and he doesn't pick her calls, so she tries again. "Oh maybe he's changed his phone." She tries twice more, not knowing that when she's calling the same guy is telling his current girlfriend that the girl calling just won't leave him alone.

Scenario over.

Okay. . so what does everyone think about that scenario? Is she crazy?
[/color]

Romance › Re: 29 Yr Old Virgin by topup: 4:44am On Jan 06, 2009

Cayon:
I am proud to say that I am a born again virgin. I am seeing someone and I am going to be honest here - It's hard to resist temptation. I don’t know how long I am going to last b/c I am tired of pulling out my hair and taking cold showers. Just the other day when I was kissing him I bit his lips real hard and I almost scratched his eyes out - just to hold back my sexual feelings.

Abeg all the Christians join hands and pray for me (I’ll take the Muslim prayer too) because it’s either I give in or I am going to explode.

Good night and good luck

[color=#cc0066]I was quite confused in your post, I initially believed you claimed the title 'born-again virgin' due to religious beliefs but then nothing in your post suggests that especially as you asked for both Christian and Muslim prayers. Without being too nosey, I would just like to know why you would want to be a born-again virgin?

I am proud of your determination, and if you really want to achieve it you can. Temptation will always be there, but the rewards are (or so I've been told) are that you will be freer to think about other factors other than sex which matter greatly when it comes to sustaining a long lasting relationship.[/color]

Romance › Re: 29 Yr Old Virgin by topup: 4:27am On Jan 06, 2009

Princek12:
I think it is about time someone sheds a realistic insight to this issue which, obviously, has been plagued with posts by bloggers motivated by emotion. It makes little, if any, sense for a 29 year old to try to keep her virginity under the cloak of christianity; yet, this same person lustfully kisses, smooshes, and engages in other intimate sexual encounters-- a clear violation of biblical principles-- which has made it clear that he who lusts after the other has clearly committed fornication. A sin is a sin; and sorry, a partial sin is not looked upon with less favor than a whole sin.

Second, this woman has to realize that many, if not most, men would like to "engage" their partner before marriage for obvious reasons. It is good to check their sexual compatibility prior to marriage; many women would like their men to "engage" them-- and if this same man does not engage the woman, she may think that he is a 'mugu' and leave him for another man who can engage her properly.

Third, most grown men ( I am just keeping it real) would like to have sex with the person they are dating. If not, the man will likely be walking around with a full tank, masturbating, or busy scouring for potential preys to disgorge his "full tank," a good recipe for destroying a relationship.

Fourth, the statistical probability of this woman finding a grown man that has not engaged many women is slim to none. So, what is the logical reason for holding your virginity for a man that has not held his own virginity for you or, at the very least, kept his partners to a minimum.

This woman would likely miss out on good men or find men that would date her and get busy with other women because she is, so called, keeping her virginity till marriage. Keeping your virginity is also not a guarantor for marriage, especially in this days where sex is a major ingredient of a relationship-- all these women spitting garbage on this blog are probably sleeping with their boyfriends or whomever they are dating. I would recommend that you lose your virginity as it may be a major impediment in your quest for marriage.

[color=#cc0066]This has to be hands down, one of the most rational posts that have been posted on this site.

Obviously, I am going to disagree. I don't think many people can understand looking from the outside in, why a person who isn't a young innocent teenager would want to remove sex from the 'equation' of a successful relationship.

Well, equally as you believe that this woman would miss out on good men, I don't think she will mind when she finds a great man. It takes a lot for anybody these days (not just guys) to abstain from sex, and I really dislike the amount of oppression placed on someone who is going against the grain for once! We make it sound as if she is using her virginity as a weapon or a 'guarantor for marriage', when she explained she merely respects her faith. Whether every sin is equal or not does not mean that we should become relaxed in our views in everything, obviously, if I was to steal billions of pounds from the bank, you would definitely stutter more than if I engaged in sexual activity. Yes, a lot of people engage in other sexual acts, which is all fornication, but who are we to judge and say 'Why not just lose your virginity as well?' for all we know, this could be something the person wishes to work on, or prays for forgiveness everyday.

Should we all conform just because it is in style? Similarly as to back in the past, losing your virginity and engaging in pre-maritial sex was heavily frowned upon, and such a scandal rocked every community (I'm talking back, back, back in the past). It was the fashion then to remain a virgin, but if you remained a virgin because of the fashion and not because of your beliefs then I believe you were equally as bad as a person who chooses to lose it because most people do it.

The post above is so rational to the point that it has completely ignored the fact that we are not dealing with a 100% rational topic underlying her original post, and that is that she is a Christian. The aim of being a Christian is to devote yourself to God, trying to be the best you can be for him, and not to try and have a good time, and compromise yourself to find a good man who will not marry you unless he has sexual intercourse with you first.

There shouldn't be levels, but there are societal levels of Christianity, some people are completely okay with reading the scriptures that say sex is a sin, and then knowingly engage in sex without any effort to try and avoid doing so. I do not judge anyone who tries to avoid sex to their best ability but has made mistakes, because we all make mistakes, but if a person can find the strength to avoid it, then why should they toss away that strength just to fit in with society?

Lastly, being a devoted Christian means that you have complete faith in God, that you are not relying on your own ability completely, to bring the right guy to you, I mean are we deaf or blind? Do we not hear, read and see stories of people who are in sexual relationships who are being left heartbroken or deserted by their lovers, who are still looking for the right guy?? So, please slow down with the 'sure & rational solutions' to what is a much more complicated process. If keeping one's virginity is truly a strategy to create a guarantor for marriage, then why is it that they struggle equally as the ones who engage in sexual intercourse in their relationships to find the right guy and to keep men for marriage? Surely a strategy that doesn't have a boastful success rate is not a strategy at all?[/color]

Events › Re: There Must Be A Wedding By A Nairalander This 2009 by topup: 4:11am On Jan 06, 2009

[color=#cc0066]Hehe, now that you have said this, I am just about to cancel my subscription to Nairaland >>JOKE<<. I have to say, forums are always a place to relieve stress and while away free time, maybe we haven't heard from the engaged couples because they are too busy trying to work on their marriage. I also have to say I searched for this forum when I broke up with my ex, I have always been into forums and used to use a teen forum before, but when you are in a relationship, I think you have less time to do other things, and you really start prioritising, if I had problems at work, I would talk to my man, not a bunch of strangers (though I love you all so much tongue

!!)

I'd talk to someone who gets me from the get go.

Sometimes I get what people mean when they say Nairaland is a place where single ladies vent, though I don't vent here, I merely inform myself of things that I can no longer do as I have lost a close male contact who can tell me what it's like for guys and such. .

I would rather assume that the people we haven't heard from are happily married with children though cheesy

[/color]

Romance › Re: Ridiculous Break-up Excuses by topup: 3:54am On Jan 06, 2009

thelastdon:
what if you don't love someone anymore or maybe u've never loved him/her from the start but pretended just because u were lonely.

And Now, he/she's choking u and u want to break up with him/her,
Please, is there any gentlemanly manner of going about this?

[color=#cc0066]Not really because the act in the first place was not gentlemanly. . sorry. The best you can do is to be completely honest, take all the disappointment, abuse she gives you, as she deserves to let her emotions and frustration out, that's the least you owe her. People make mistakes, but you are doing yourself a diservice by pretending. I don't know why you did it, and I'll try not to judge but at least hopefully you won't do it again.

In response to the OP, ridiculous excuses?

- I found the perfect girl, but at the wrong time (but I still have feelings for you though).
- One week before; "I am in love with you. I don't want this to end." A week later "We are drifting in opposite directions. We've become more like friends."
- *silence and a sad expression on his face*
- *no excuse* few days later says; "my throat was dry."[/color]

Romance › Re: My Ex Won't Reply To My Farewell Email by topup: 3:37am On Jan 06, 2009

Suga4ya:
Tope,

I'm keeping my self very busy. I'm running a half-marathon in March, a Triathlon in August, and a full-marathon in October, so my trainer and I are training, and that's keeping me really busy along with work, volunteering and social events here and there. I think I'll be just fine. Thanks again.

[color=#cc0066]Fantastic!! You'll be in better shape too and improving your fitness

[/color]

Romance › Re: My Ex Won't Reply To My Farewell Email by topup: 2:33am On Jan 06, 2009

[quote author=~Sauron~ link=topic=215145.msg3307570#msg3307570 date=1231204759]@ Topup,

Do u write for a living?? shocked

How many lines there?? Like 40!!![/quote][color=#cc0066]Lol! Just 13! I write a lot online, and have mastered the art of touch typing. . grin

[/color]

Suga4ya:
Topup,

I'm sending you a hug, hope you receive it . Thanks for shedding some light on this. I'm going to move on and although it was hard in the beginning, it's slowly getting better. Thanks again Topup. I appreciate your response the most. Thanks.

[color=#cc0066]I received it

! One thing I realised was that you are saying that 'you're going to move on', for now don't give yourself any time limits, it can take longer than it took your friends or other cases you know (or less), I know it sucks to hear, but after a few months, it'll be easier, and you'll remember him less and less, but it might take more than a year to actually lose ALL feeling for him, some people will tell you stories of their primary school sweethearts and still they'll get lost in their imagination. Nobody is perfect and you sound like you have a lot of time to get yourself together and you're definitely not desperate. .

Try not to listen to people who tell you; "You should be over him by now!" It'll make you feel worse, by the way I don't predict you'll still be heartbroken and in pain in a few months, you'll probably still be hurt, but the feeling should fade. Take your sweet sweet time, and no rebounds!!

What you have to make sure is make a conscious effort to look in the opposite direction to him, just focus on you and yourself, as I am sure that he will do the same, it's almost automatical for guys to pick themselves up like this. I can almost guarantee that he will one day in future contact you but for the meantime, if you believe he has moved on and will never come back, it'll be a million times easier to let go.

Keep busy too and rest assure that if he loves you he will come back, though there is no time frame or method which this happens, just rest assure knowing that. If you're a Christian, maybe even one on one's with God will help you, or reading certain scriptures in the bible.[/color]

Romance › Re: My Ex Won't Reply To My Farewell Email by topup: 2:18am On Jan 06, 2009

Magz:
Hey Topup, I like you! You seem like cool people for real.

[color=#cc0066]Haha, I am just one thanks

[/color]

Romance › Re: My Ex Won't Reply To My Farewell Email by topup: 2:12am On Jan 06, 2009

[color=#cc0066]At poster, OH MY!! I feel your pain! It doesn't matter that you were saying goodbye, it's the fact he didn't even acknowledge you that hurts, right? I just want to say that after a bad breakup there are often a lot of things that can't be accounted for, why you wrote the goodbye mail in the first place was probably due to an emotional surge at the time, and in future you probably won't understand why you did it or why it was necessary. Yes, you were right, you two needed to go on your separate ways, but you didn't need to announce it to him, nope a quiet and personal cut off may have done the same job. Thing is, you obviously wanted him back, and he was sure of that, and I get the feeling that he also probably still had feelings for you still at the time of breakup (you did go out for a year, and you said he fell for you), so maybe he's hurting right now. I would be. Sure! You're going to explain to me that "why should he be hurt" "he refused me" but it's not that simple, sometimes our actions contradict our feelings, like how you are saying goodbye to a man you are in love with. He may believe that you never loved him, he may believe that you wrote the email to spite him, everything depends on how he was feeling at the time of reading the email.

Since you believe that the best way is to distance yourself from him, it starts now! Not when he sends you a reply 2 months later (when he's calmed down) and says "Yeah, I hope everything's cool."

It's going to be very hard at first, and you will have to force yourself to do the opposite to how you feel often, whatever you do, try not to be too emotional in your decisions, let alone too rational. You were probably both when you wrote that email.

It's okay, I doubt he hates you, he is probably hurting and confused, and I've seen this many times in guys, until when he cools down will he be able to speak to you or contact you again. If the love is still there, it will reignite the fire, so don't worry about whether he moves on or not, because I don't think even a lifetime can make you forget the one you loved/love. Just do what is good for you.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm listening

Take care and God Bless.[/color]

Romance › Re: Why Can't I, Tell Me Why by topup: 2:01am On Jan 06, 2009

[color=#cc0066]I am sure you're not the only one to think like that. I am human but I am trying not to judge, but I don't agree with it when guys or girls do it, my guy friends find that weird though because it's almost as if they expect a different rule for them, after all they have to sow their seeds. . might I ask who they are sowing the seeds into perhaps lol. Anyways, I'm not cool with casual sex male or female initiated.[/color]

Romance › Re: . by topup: 7:29pm On Jan 05, 2009

[color=#cc0066]Good advice Vonny. Now I've heard that excuse . . "I still really care for you but I don't think I can continue the relationship." I wasn't given any more hints or details than that so I'm still confused but yeah it hurt me, and I knew it was the best way, rather than I find out if he cheats or when the relationship becomes a pathetic excuse for one.
However, I have to say, I didn't believe that he loved me at all, because in my mind I just thought you don't breakup with people you love, unless you love something else more. Hmmm. . However we are talking about a 4 year relationship, surely there was more than lust to this relationship right?

It depends on how much you think you will gain from leaving the relationship, if you just want a breather explain that to her, the worst thing is when there is a pretence, and instead of the girlfriend picking up on signs that something's not right, she's at home baking cookies for you grin

A talk should be the first thing, see how that goes, if you still feel like leaving, then do what's best for you. If you realise what you've lost, just remember you might have to work like a madman to get her back *depending on the type of girl you're dealing with*.[/color]

Romance › Re: Guys Are Always Too Quick To Assume That We Ladies Are Crazy! by topup(op): 7:21pm On Jan 05, 2009

[color=#cc0066]I don't know what to do with this topic. I hope we can get back to the original idea of 'crazy' women tongue

[/color]

Romance › Re: Why Do Men Rape (babies)? by topup: 7:20pm On Jan 05, 2009

[color=#cc0066]Hmmm, crimes of all sorts baffle me, you're shocked by the 3 year old, there was a case not that long ago about a 5 month year old baby girl, surgery was required for the poor baby.[/color]

Romance › Re: I Have A Very Bad Relationship Habit Am Not Proud Of It But I Can't Help It! by topup: 7:08pm On Jan 05, 2009

[color=#cc0066]@ smarta, what you are saying is a simple concept. I won't go and beat my mother if my boyfriend hit me, I should hit him back?

Well, I still don't agree, yeah I guess people will say I am living in the perfect world that doesn't agree, but I don't think two wrongs make a right. The time and effort adam will invest in tracking his ex, wooing her and breaking her heart could be put to better use.

He should stay away from women for a while (I was going to say relationships, but he could just have flings if he wanted to and those don't help either).

He should start the journey (whilst he's still young), the 'Me, myself and I' journey, finding himself, because the 'adam' he is today is NOT the real adam (I don't believe so anyway). I have seen this case before and in real life it tends to have two endings (rarely do they find their ex and plot to break the exs heart, that's Nollywood to be fair):

Ending 1. He eventually finds a great girl, who manages to woo him and make him realise that not all women-folk are bad, this is during the journey, where he is gradually learning to be less synical and hateful towards women again.

Ending 2. He discovers this at the age of 40+ after sleeping around and wearing himself out, emotionally and physically.

It's up to him to choose.[/color]

Romance › Re: Advice Needed On A Broken Relationship by topup: 6:57pm On Jan 05, 2009

[color=#cc0066]Lol @ JJYOU's post!!

The thing I don't get about this post, is that the poster (knowme) seems to be contradicting himself. On one hand he tells us that he is a patient, loving, kind, generous man, on the other, he has mentioned that he felt that he lost out on sex, so it hurt that all the things he gave her were not reciprocated, because of course to him, the only thing she could have given him back in that relaitonship was access to the down below.

I just want to say, a guy like you will probably hurt a lot of girls, maybe not always intentionally, but the type of girl you seem to be looking for probably wouldn't want to engage in sexual intercourse unless you are 110% committed to her, and maybe even after the 'girl in the story's breakup, she may have well decided to wait maybe even until marriage before engaging in the act. I have to say I really appreciate your frank-ness with her, it is something I find to be a great quality, you told her where you stood, intentionally or not intentionally and she was then able to make a decision for herself. What I hate is when someone enters into a relationship expecting sex, gifts, money and other things and doesn't let you know, so you fall in love with the fake alter-ego they put forward.

@ Poster, you behaved in a way most guys do, of course you are tempted by the idea of having sex in relationships, you probably don't see the point in being in one without it.

What I disagree with though is the fact that your main goal was to sleep with her, and if she was a loving kind girl that would be the bonus. Shouldn't it be the other way round?? (not that I advocate pre-maritial sex), but sex isn't everything, and if you just tried you can obtain so much more from someone in a relationship without them spending a penny on you, or even 'giving' you sex.

SO many guys I know have said 'strangely' enough 'my best relationship didn't involve sex', 'she made me think differently, act differently, want to be a better man, I was able to focus more' on the backbone of the relationship and not merely the added benefits.

My advice is that you just let her heal, if she comes back to you, it doesn't necessarily mean she really likes you, it could mean that she's feeling vulnerable after the breakup again, or that she's bored, these things happen. Also, who knows what you have escaped, you could have ended up in a sexual relationship with her, 'fallen in love' and then when you're starting to set plans for the future, she tells you that her ex came back to her.[/color]

Romance › A says : "Achoo!" B: "I Love You" , B: "I Mean Bless You." by topup(op): 6:40pm On Jan 05, 2009

[color=#cc0066]Everyone's throwing the words 'I love you' here there and everywhere, it's annoying!

I was reading so many posts earlier,

"There was the first girl, I loved her dearly, but she wouldn't give me sex and I ended it."

"After dating for a month I told her my feelings but she did not care that I loved her. I kept reminding her but she did not listen. Eventually it ended because of religious differences, but I am not with another girl who I love so much and want to be with for the rest of my life."

"Before me and my girlfriend went out we were high school buddies, and then we lost contact, she called me and told me that she was interested in me, and immediately I admitted to her that I had always loved her, but didn't know she felt the same all along."

Well, it is my fault, I've been watching too many hollywood romance movies and it always seems that the 'I love you' is the final straw, not just an appetiser, the desert. The I love you comes near the end of the movie, when there is no uncertainty that the bond between the two people has been formed. So, why is that in real life, I hear this rubbish about people confessing their undying love "because she had a sexy body", "she had nice tits."

Let's not get confused here, that's lust! Let's not try and glorify things.

Is it because people believe that unless you tell someone you love them they won't agree to date you? Or what??[/color]

Romance › Re: . by topup: 6:32pm On Jan 05, 2009

[color=#cc0066]There is this theory that the first 3 months is 'honeymoon period' where everything is fun and exciting and new, and so it's very interesting to be in the relationship, then afterwards comes the effort and hard work that it takes to maintain the relationship. I personally think that you should talk to her about your feelings, but of course, after you tell us what the real reason is for this 'fading love'.

Though you may not feel like asking someone else out, it may not be love but familarity with your girlfriend and having that cushion that makes you hesitate to pursue things with another girl, after all we do get used to things and people we have been with for a long time and 'getting rid' of them can seem scary, but not for the right reasons.

4 years is a long time, and things can really feel long, boring and drawn out. It's a hard task to really search and find what's really causing this feeling, monotomy or just that you're not right for each other. The idea that a relationship is always fun and thrills is all in movies, often a long lasting relationship is comfortable and requires a lot of effort to add perks.[/color]

Romance › Re: Men Don't Fall in Love by topup: 6:27pm On Jan 05, 2009

[color=#cc0066]It is very hard to define what love is as it is extremely subjective.

To one man love is; buying gifts for the person, they're always on your mind etc
and for another it could just be a woman who you respect a lot and care about deeply, a very internal change that may not be apparent in his actions.

Some people put more emphasis on the actions and words than the feelings.

Because of past experiences most of us are extremely sketpical about love, I don't think you can say men are more sensitive than women or that men are more hurt by past events. I think it merely depends on the person.

Everybody takes different amounts of time to get over things, depending on how active the person is, how many friends they have, (mutual friends too), so a breakup could affect someone for even more than a decade.

Some are able to love again, but because vivid memories of the past hurt, the mistakes and actions, their behaviour and actions are uncertain and the feeling of vulnerability can prevent them from 'letting go' and falling fully.

The ones who have finally moved past the initial pain are able to love freely and are the men that most women hope to meet. The games are fewer and the guy on a whole is more sincere and genuine.

Love is not a stable and neither are humans, it's nothing to do with guys and girls.[/color]

Romance › Re: Is Beating Ur Girl/fiance Or Wife Good: Even If She Is Wrong? by topup: 4:09am On Jan 04, 2009

[color=#cc0066]At the above reply. . or maybe the mother in law of the wife told him (her son) to do it. . which I have heard before.

Anyways, it's not okay to beat anyone, because you are causing harm to someone.

The reason why parents even beat their children is to correct their children, especially as children cannot always be reasoned with, they don't understand the consequences and are very selfish at times.

I am sure we have all experienced being beaten when your parent is just mad, and it's a different type of beat.

I could never trust a man who laid his hand on me, and to some men, they appreciate the fear, but really that's not what I'm going for in my marriage, I want a unity and balance.

Lastly, the strength of a man cannot be matched with a woman's. A man could beat his wife and kill her. If you punched your friend because he was being a jerk and he went deaf in one ear and was in hospital, would you tell him 'you deserved it?'. It just doesn't make sense.

A man hits another man with a bottle on the head in a bar over an argument the injured man started and causes the man to go blind. . guess who gets taken to court? But, wasn't it the injured man who started it?

Bad tempers are what cause this, and I think everyone MEN & WOMEN should be forced to understand the importance of controlling your temper so that you never act out on it, not to be rash, to be coolheaded instead, responsible adults.[/color]

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 (of 86 pages)