₦airaland Forum

[color=#cc0066]I love to talk about it, it's a troubling issue for those who associate a lot of emotion and weight with/on it.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I have been in your girlfriend's position, and it was painful and a waste of time.

I am not sure about the character of your girlfriend and I can't judge it merely from the fact that she won't have sex before marriage. All I can say is that you need to look at your own character. Do you want to lose someone you love to sex? Sex is so cheap and overrated, and maybe you are actually taking her for granted, do you believe that she'll take you back even after/if you cheat? Is that why you aren't afraid to jeopardise this?

Let me tell you, it isn't as easy to find true love, as it is to find good sex, you can get that from anywhere, and after marriage, you can do it as often as you both please.

I can't dictate to you what to do, but I feel that if I don't encourage you to put more thought into this, that if you decide to leave her, you may regret it and I could have told you that.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]This is such a silly story!

So, you are willing to lose the one you love because you want to 'test the waters'?!?

Wait a minute, you love her right? But you want to cheat on her? Very confusing, I would have said that you didn't truly love your girlfriend if it wasn't for the fact that you were unable to develop feelings for the women you were trying to woo.

You're taking your girlfriend for granted and what happens if another girl is very forward and forces herself on you (but you can still reject her), and you cheat and you lose your girlfriend?

Do you believe that it is required of you to 'test the waters'? Do you think it makes you normal? A man? Well, it doesn't, you just build a nasty image of your character, and I'm pretty sure you're not that bad.

If you love your girlfriend, be serious with her, who knows what could come from this, if you want more action or somebody else, do her a favour and leave her because cheating on someone can really have terrible effects on the person, can ruin all their relationships with guys in the future, can make the woman paranoid, and dislike you to the point that even if you figure out that she is the one she won't have any trust in you to believe you this time round.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Some people are reassured by the fact that the person has not had sexual intercourse with other people for various reasons:

- to feel more secure (since there is no one to compare you to)
- to create a unique bond (that is only shared with you)

Other reasons include; people thinking that virgins are less promiscuous, which can actually be true, since they have been very good at dismissing any hormonal urges to have sex. They can also think virgins are stronger in their faith (which is very dangerous, as there are some virgins who are virgins merely due to lack of opportunity),

There are several other reasons which I am sure my fellow Nairalanders will fill you in with, [/color]

foye57:
hey topup, been a while i've read anythin frm u.where hav u been. nice analysis!cheers

[color=#cc0066] The work load came back and I've only just managed to ease it up a bit so I have time for Nairaland again, missed you guys [/color]

[color=#cc0066]Everyone is entilted to their opinion, however to me a God fearing man will:

- never hit me,
- will always seek to improve himself,
- will never cheat on me or if he does he will be incredibly remorseful (same if he happened to hit me),
- he will respect the sanctity of marriage, like I do and will be willing to work things out,


It's almost like the guy has an all seeing mother, who knows how he treats his girfriend (assuming the guy genuinely loves and fears his mother that is).[/color]

Danke:
ewwwww,i wish u well in ur love life

[color=#cc0066]Now, what is the 'eww' for? Is that really necessary![/color]

[color=#cc0066]1. Talk to her.

If that doesn't work.

2. Urm, seems like your mum's right! But leave with dignity, tell her why you're leaving, and break it off completely and none of that rebound rubbish please!

You deserve better![/color]

[color=#cc0066]Monicaa, unfortunately it seems that you are too willing to let emotion take over logic.

Yes, we've all watched those romance movies in which the guy realises what he's lost and then he makes a desperate attempt to get 'his' girl back, and you two live in harmony forever. . blah,  blah,  blah,

Sorry but like I said I was there about 3 months ago, begging my fellow Nairalanders to give me the advice I wanted to hear (go get him girl!) and to tell me to try and win him back, but they didn't. If everybody can see that you're too good for the guy, why won't you believe us.

Unless you are a cheating, lying, disrespectful girl, I wouldn't say you two were made for each other.

I am not saying you can't ever be with him, but the type of guy he is right now, will do nothing NOTHING for any girl, and he is certainly not a catch!!

Truth is you don't want to move on, you're too scared of having to confront your insecurities, you'd rather force a reunion so that everything can go back to how it was, how you knew it as, but it won't, it just won't.

Even if he goes out with you, the ball is in his court, it's his rules, and you would have knowingly signed the contract to allowing such foul play. By you having to apologise to him is no way to start a relationship, especially when he was in the wrong!
Yes, people say when a relationship fails, both people are to blame, but it is not necessarily 50:50. Maybe for the first time you stood up to him and he played his typical cards and walked out on you, and you weren't expecting it, he was expecting you to retreat to your shell, beg and plead for his return and you're going to do just that?

If nothing else will make you stand up for your basic rights, at least know that everybody else can see right through it, we can see the insecurities you've developed, as there is no other logical reason as to why a girl like you would want a scumbag as himself back in her life, to mess her up.

It's hard after a break up, but instead of shying away from the fear and pain, confront it head on, it'll make you stronger and wiser, you'll love yourself for it, you should always have the attitude that you are worth much much much much more, and deserve better, not that you have to compromise and adjust and reduce yourself to his lower level.

Monicaa monicaa, heed this warning,  and move on.

*If you're scared about getting another guy like him, relax,  there are millions of scumbags out there, cheaters, players, liars all sorts! You'll have no problem finding another guy to replace him. Don't just remember the good times (which were probably becoming fewer and fewer, but instead remember the times you fell out, what he did to make you cry because it sounds like he did quite a lot of nasty things.*

Here's the part where you completely disregard everything mentioned above and you start finding excuses to suit every point, don't do it!

[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I think you've misunderstood what the majority of people who use the term 'HIV/AIDS is real' mean, it's a REAL threat, it's not some illusion, a real threat that caused you a lot of panic and anxiety for a while.

I must say that I do not respect any of the behaviour you carried out, nope none of it, but I know that is in the past.

Questions,

Do you value yourself so little to be having unprotected sex in the first place?
Did you value the women you had sex with so little that you put their lives in jeopardy also? (SO what if they were prostitutes).
Did you not think that their wishes for you not to ejaculate in them were worth respecting either? (Think about fathering a baby to a prostitute)

I don't understand what insecurity or pain has led you to such behaviour, but I really think that you should pray, you sound really confused and hurt, and even though you have had the test, you could have almost even contracted HIV/AIDS from all the things you did whilst under the assumption that you had it.

Please, value yourself and your body, you are worth it.

Don't take unecessary risks?
Would you trade your life for sex??

Think!

Take care and God Bless. (I mean it!)
[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Beautiful so far, I didn't read it all because it is in fact 07:19 and I am yet to go to bed, but the writing quality is immaculate .[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Awww, that's so sweet, that you feel like you've known her forever. Well, yes you love her a whole lot, but you don't seem to be all that reassured by her feelings for you. Do you think she feels the same way? Or do you think that she is in control of this relationship, you needn't decrease your love for her like you mentioned, that is just because you feel like you are no longer in control and wish to regain at least some control back, but I think that won't help you, you need to talk to her about how you feel about her, if she truly cares for you and loves you, she will take this on board and will work harder to reassure her *you. You also have to start valuing yourself as a boyfriend, you seem to be idolising her a bit, and so you don't feel worthy, if you felt more deserving to be her boyfriend then you wouldn't be as frightened to be left for another.

Try not to worry about things that may never even happen anyway, talk your doubts through, hopefully she will reassure you and you can move onto the next stage of your relationship.

All the best.
God Bless [/color]

[color=#cc0066]Great second response from Busy_body.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Hey Monicaa, I was in the exact same position not that long ago (about 3 months actually). I was really upset that my ex had just left me, I analysed it and analysed it and I have managed to come to a few conclusions which I hope will help you.

1. Deep down I always thought (and was told) that I was too good for him, he also acknowledged this and so I always thought that I would be the one who would break up the relationship in my own time. So when he broke up with me, it was such a shock, the truth was that my ego was hurt. I wanted to know where I went wrong, I called this closure, but really I wanted reassurement. . . which I haven't gotten.
2. I too tried contacting him, "Oh, he's not replied my email,  he probably hasn't checked it yet. Let me private message him instead. Oh no reply, maybe he's travelling." I made SO many excuses for him, always thinking that it was my fault we were not speaking (he had asked for my friendship, afterwards and I always thought that the ball was in my court, and it was only until I replied him, did he really show his true colours - I believe the 'friendship' was just a cover, so that I wouldn't slag him off to people who could possibly know him).
3. When he ignored me, I got upset, and was questioning whether he ever loved me,
4. I started ignoring him, changing certain things in my life to make it easier. Deleted his messages, online & on my phone, and hid anything that would remind me of him.
5. I stumbled and contacted him again to wish him celebrations for an event, and we were amicable, he replied, but shortly afterwards, silence again.


All I will say is I followed both advice from friends and from my heart.
Friends always told me to move on, but it is never that easy, being the only person who had actually been part of that relationship, I felt that they couldn't possibly understand the love we shared in our relationship, and what we went through, this is the part that I completely forgot the bad times and just sobbed over the good mediocre times. I didn't have a good perspective.

Lastly, I believe that you should ignore this guy, as you have tried your best! Now, please stop inflating his ego, he will probably not realise what he's lost, if you're still knocking at his door and lingering around the corner, you need to disappear from his life. If you have facebook, try and decrease the amount of info that is sent to you about his life.

Now looking back, I still miss him, but I am more rational, it wouldn't have worked out and I am starting to thank my ex in fact for breaking it off before it got too serious. If he wanted me back, I am now at a stage where I actually could not tolerate the same guy, I would need a new & improved version of my ex, he would have had to change, because no one needs to put up with that rubbish!

Stop making excuses for him, he's a jerk for leaving you without closure.

Take care,  keep looking to God and God Bless.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I used to feel this way in the past, when I was younger, because back then, I had no clue what I needed in a relationship, seems to me that you were too eager to start a relationship that you forgot about the other things that sustain one.

Did you truly get to know this girl, to the extent that you could picture you two being the best of friends? Despite what anyone says, it's ultimately friendship that makes a great relationship last, the urge to want to remain current in the other's life, the urge to want to help and motivate the other person, not just the urge to stick your tongue down their throat and to grope each other and 'do stuff'.

I took a long break from these silly 'relationships' of mine and I realised that it was necessary for a guy to be smart and have potential, potential to be successful in future, i.e. a drive for self improvement. I find that really attractive, also we must be able to hold a good conversation for hours and hours, we should enjoy each other's company. So, I promised myself I would always begin my relationships as friends.

Trying not to deviate from the OP, I will say that now that the awe of having a girlfriend has faded, you are now left with a character you probably barely know, or it could just simply be that you're past the honeymoon period and the relationship has lost its 'newness'. It's now the norm, a predictable part of your life and that can be boring. I am not saying that you should lead this girl on, but it seems you really don't know what you are looking for in a relationship, and who can blame you, this seems like your first serious attempt at one, you will get better over time (not necessarily the more relationships you have).

You need to find out whether the girl you're with has a personality that can allow you two to get closer not just on a physical level but on all the other levels; spiritual, emotional, educational? If really, she is empty headed and just lovely packaging, I would try and explain that you rushed into the relationship and that you would like to end it.

You really need to think think think, don't do anything rash because even now, it seems your girlfriend hasn't done anything that would make most guys want to dump their girlfriends.

Your friends probably complained about having girlfriends because their girlfriends meant that they had to worry about someone else other than theselves, also some girls can be quite controlling.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Awww, I completely feel your pain, I think a similar thing happened to me, the person I was with was very much influenced by his friends and in their eyes I probably wasn't being a 'good' girlfriend. Anyways, I think the stress was too much for him so he dropped me, yup, by the time your ex realises what she's missed, I hope you're onto bigger and better things. You seem like a lovely guy, please don't be afraid to love again, there are a million different girls looking for the type of love you offer.

Take care and God Bless.

Your heart will heal, in time.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Is the song; 'Love me, Leave me' by Kat Deluna? I was listening to that over the holidays, though to be honest what I wanted was quite the contrare. I would have very much wanted the person I loved not to leave me.

The songs about not being messed about, about being given a final answer, and moving on, not dragging things along, it's also about those exs who wonder back into your life, once they notice you're finally recovering from their damage.[/color]

Akinagirl:
Hey Topup where u been? Good advices are running thin.

[color=#cc0066]It's this darn thing called work, projects, research,  just been busy and I am only just reaching that balance where I can add certain things I enjoy doing (such as Nairaland) back into my life. Hope you've been well. [/color]

[color=#cc0066]Depends on finances, tolerance and maturity, finances to support frequent international/long-distance phone calls, occassional trips & visits, possibly plane flights, or train journeys, and maturity to understand, you can have certain things at your beck and call, maturity and security to know and have faith in the other person and not to be constantly hounding the other person. Lastly, tolerance, you have to tolerate, missed calls, lonely nights, staying up late and not receiving phone call or being put on hold because of busy lifestyle or work, also to tolerate being left in the dark for short periods of time.[/color]

tpacalipse:
please, can anybody tell me why the ugly and the average looking girls always get married to the most handsome guys and why the most beautiful babes always end up not married.

[color=#cc0066]I beg to differ!

Men have much higher standards than women do in the looks of their spouses, they are asked the question, what attracted you to your husband; 'He could always make me laugh', is a common response, I'll gladly post some examples too;

Beyonce & JayZ
Colleen & Wayne Rooney
(Use examples of countless WAGS and their footballer husbands)
Donald Trump and Ivanka
Heidi Klum & Seal

etc,

Men having higher standards in women, tend to be average looking men with average looking women, or average looking men with beautiful women, or good looking men with good looking women, RARELY do you find good looking men with average or 'ugly' looking women! It's almost a fact![/color]

[color=#cc0066]Quit when:

- She begs you to stop.
- She's changed her no. or is refusing to pick up your calls (ignoring you basically)
- She's got a new man

Most of all, if you have become tired of trying to win back someone you claim to 'love' then really move along, you probably don't love her that much anyway, if you're worn out fighting for the one you 'love'.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]To the above replies? Is it really that simple?!?!? Huh?
Well, let's say he takes the advice blindly, and 'moves on', after a few more relationships, he begins to realise that he really really liked his ex, but by now it's almost been 6 months since he rejected her, then he feels like he really has lost her, to make things worse, he's heard from friends that she's been in a serious relationship for the 6 months that he's been messing around getting 'revenge' on her.

I believe, it is really as simple as; "what do you feel deep deep deep! inside you for her." his emotions are bound to be more genuine now that everything has kinda calmed down, from the sounds of it, the ex took the rejection and has left him alone, and it is now with time to think, he has realised that he had feelings for his ex.

He needs to make sure that he truly loved his ex, not just found her more attractive than the current girl, or not just bored.

He needs to take mature action, because letting his pride get in the way was the reason he rejected her plee to get back together in the first place.[/color]

Hardar4lag:
If a girl is a challenge face her, if a girl is a game play her, if a girl is a dream realise her and if a girl is in love mess her

[color=#cc0066]Mess is slang for f*&$ right?!

Disgusting! Yeah! I'm biased - wait 'til you fall in love!!![/color]

[color=#cc0066]These type of people aren't a problem until the relationship ends, it's all good being an unrealistically blissful relationship (and is it a crime to believe that one can exist in this day and age??), but when the relationship ends do we start to complain,

Are we gullable for believing people can give their all and break away from the norm?

Am I unrealistic to think that all he wants from me is love and care? Should I assume that every guy who claims to be madly in love with me, wants to sleep with me? How will I differentiate him from the real deal?

I think it's more an issue of regeneration, these things will happen despite any game or tactic we use to protect ourselves, you can't have a meaningful relationship without meaning it, so it's unfortunate we can't have our cake and eat it. Shame on these people who feel the need to play the other sex, shame on their lack of confidence that needs to prey on unsuspecting people to climb up their imaginary point board.

Should we change the way we are because they do these things? Should we change the recipe because there may be a rotten tomato in the soup?

No, I believe we should work on just regenerating ourselves, if we are unfortunate to be played and messed about, we should be able to pick ourselves up, and move on because these things happen and to believe that we should change our behaviour in relationships because of it is to allow it to become the norm/accepted.

You fall, pick yourself up, dust yourself and get back in line!
[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Ignorance usually works, because they usually get the hint, however, some think you're merely being coy,  , so with these guys, it might be necessary to actually tell them that you are not interested in them, and that maybe to even tell a fib that there is another guy in the picture (not necessarily a boyfriend, it could just be a guy you are seeking after - who is NOT him)!

If that doesn't work, agree to meet up with him (assuming he's not a stalker/kidnapper or crazy), don't shave your body hair, not underarms or legs, wear unflattering clothes, wear your hair in a big mess, and don't brush your teeth, let the lazy you slip out, let the glamour kitten rest for the day. If he's still madly in love with you after that --- just marry the dude, he's survived enough tests!![/color]

[color=#cc0066]Sounds to me that most of your attachment to him comes not from his love and genuine care but from the fact that you 'laid' with him.

It's perfectly natural what you're feeling, but come on now! He has cheated on you and really didn't take you seriously because he continued to hook up with other girls, this is terrible and dangerous, it could get both of you into a lot of trouble.

Love shouldn't hurt and you shouldn't have to question him repeatedly how deep his love is for you, and the rare times you should, he should be willing to reassure you, it seems to me that he was too eager to vamoose! He barely tried to work things out, I believe he genuinely had gotten bored of the relationship, to the extent that his eyes began to wonder and that he felt pressured to tell you that he had lost interest. This doesn't necessarily mean that you are not an attractive girl, it just means this guy didn't know what he really wanted. Maybe whilst you were committed to him and dedicating your time and effort into the year long relationship, he may have been seeing other people, you never know, I say this just to bring the harsh reality which makes you want to cling onto your relationship but at the same time he finds it so easy to walk away.

If you had to ask my honest opinion, I would tell you that this guy is NOT worth it, he is a cheater, it has nothing to do with how attractive you are, it is purely him, cheating is an active action, he went out to cheat, the cheating did not force itself on him, he probably wants action and maybe the monotonous nature of a long & serious relationship can be daunting for a guy who is not mentally prepared for commitment.

Find someone better, there're loads of wonderful guys out there![/color]

[color=#cc0066]I would have been more willing to agree with the OP if the examples of 'classy' & 'true' black women didn't also have half-naked pics on the internet, I search Mia Wyles looking for a girl with class, instead I found another big booty woman.

I wished you'd continued to search deeper, maybe you would have found the true qualities that lie in a TRUE black woman.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]The sooner you 'come clean' with him about where the relationship is going the better. It is very painful to be on the receiving end, when someone wishes to stop seeing you and to end the relationship, so please tread lightly, I know you are also very heavily involved, may I ask why the relationship is ending?[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Yey![/color]