₦airaland Forum

davidylan:
No kidding, i'm very guilty of this type of behaviour and i can relate a bit to what the guy's reasons might be:

1. He got to know you better from a more vantage point and eventually realised you really weren't all that. (number 1 reason)

[color=#cc0066]What is 'all that' anyways?? - Does it just mean he had expectations of what being with her would be like and the reality was different? It's not the girl's fault, I'm sure she didn't hype herself up, nor did she play games.

I think reason 2 is more likely than reason one in this particular scenario.

Enlighten me [/color]

[color=#cc0066]I want to say I dislike (not can't stand - that's a little harsh), I dislike bad teeth, but I'll happen to fall in love with a guy who has bad teeth lol[/color]

[color=#cc0066]When you see something so vast, you give it a go, and when I did, I found an absolutely astounding write up! Amazing! I feel like you took the words right out of my mind, you are completely right and your writing explains it fluently.

Thanks for writing it!

This is just purely amazing!
Well done! [/color]

[color=#cc0066]An ingredient that makes cakes and baked goods rise, but it's soda unlike yeast.[/color]

mojojojo26:
i dnt know why some nairalanders cannot giv simple advice without insulting people, just becuz she no dey form like most naija gals no mean sey she be cheap, girlsoswit, keep doing your thing oh, am sure u will find betta guys, u sound like a sweet girl, please ignore these nlanders, they can b so mean sumtimes, mean people hidin behind computer screens, there is a difference btween constructive nd destructive critisism, guess they were not taught that

[color=#cc0066]How does the story prove that she is cheap or stupid. I have done things similar, but it's because I don't care with how I am perceived, after all it's the guy's fault if he sees it as an ego boost, and instead misses the signs that this woman is caring and loving and forgiving, I mean don't men complain about girls who throw tantrums and walk out after every single argument, though repeatedly calling and checking up on someone unresponsive is the opposite, the balance is achieved if the person at least makes an effort to re-concile. It's good to know she puts her all into every relationship, it's a shame that he believed it was a fling, when she obviously wanted something serious.

I also would have called the guy maybe twice, but if he hung up on me once, or cancelled the call or told me to call back I wouldn't be calling him around. Yes, I have to say, she gave too much of herself, but at least she'll have no regrets, she's making sure that once it's over, she won't even have any reason to go back, because she neatened it off when she ended it. Also, if he ever realises what he's lost, he'll have to try a lot harder to impress her and it may even be impossible for him to get back into her good books.

Yes, he thinks the ball is in his court right now, but if he ever wants to have something with her, even if just another attempt at a fling, the ball would be 110% be in her court.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Thanks Sistawoman, for being honest and extremely helpful!

It has never been good enough for any man to really like me, it has to show in their actions, yeah the situation was more complicated than it should have been. Whatever.

Anyways, I know some long distance relationships that have worked, they are just a heck of a nightmare to sustain, I can understand why someone would want out, but it makes you feel cheap if your guy doesn't want to fight for you. It makes you feel like you're not special, that you were merely temporary and too much hassle. He left me with the words 'Who knows maybe in future', but I don't listen to words anymore, just to actions.

I wanna say thanks again, for the insight [/color]

[color=#cc0066]LOL LOL LOL Sisikill!![/color]

whitelexi:
I don't get complaints
Remember in my quote i said thats just the beginning - Meaning, thats about the first point - there are many more because relationships are not just about the sex. But my point is simple - what oyinbo can do, naija man go do extra We may not buy u flowers all the time because we like to deal with the important stuff first - when its time for tripping, u go trip tire
Its a simple strategy, keep your girl happy and thats all that matters

[color=#cc0066]I guess you haven't met a girl who isn't pleased/phased by 'hitting the spot', so far it seems that that's no. 1/the first point for you in a relationship.

I think women who like Nigerian men, like the mystery behind them, they have a rep for being the ultimate on the bad boys list, every girl likes a challenge too, and when they are smitten they are absolutely wonderful, but until then they are superb at locking out all emotion in the relationship, to only focus on the hit and run.
[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Just a shout out to all the great guys out there! Who know what they want and go after it without compromising themselves and other women.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Let me be frank with you, just being a nice guy doesn't work. By nice I mean, you do not stand up for your own points, you are a walk over, you care too much about your lady's opinion that you are scared to express your own, you don't go for what you want, you let her walk all over you, you make it clear that you are willing to wait for any woman who leaves you on the bench for another man. A nice guy, seems not to mind about being treated badly, he is easily forgiving, over and over again, over-understanding, and at times makes excuses for his girlfriend.

The reason why this is bad is that a lot of people can take the good nature for granted, they can assume you to be naive or foolish. Think about this in the business sense, if you want to achieve the best job, you have to be cut-throat, stay strong to your beliefs, your opinions, nobody is asking you to be a liar, or a fraud, you have to get that balance. Being neither a bad or nice guy is the best option, but the hardest to do.

My advice is to be yourself, but be strong, do not mistreat the women, all that will follow you is guilt (assuming you have a conscience), and a lot of bad connotations to your name (because girls tell other girls about players etc.).

It is advisable you be yourself in every way, seek to become a better man, do not try to disrespect women to put them in their place because that woman will surely be crying her eyes out at why you are abusing her for no apparent reason, she will loathe you and leave you.

Bad guys ultimately finish last I think, because they are the 'here and now' but they are rarely the lasting answer. Women leave them one way or the other, either the guy plays them and leaves them or the girl finds a better guy. Naive girls may fall for bad guys, but we all learn our lesson as we grow older, we look for the qualities that make a great person and not necessarily the most exciting or hottest boyfriend.

Yes, remember that every girl is someone's mother, sister, daughter and aunt, treat them the way you would like to be treated. I am not saying that you won't get hurt, you probably will BUT by giving your all and being true to yourself, you are in a better position than the other person, because you can walk away from the relationship with pride, and most times they come to realise their mistake of losing such a wonderful guy.

Watch the movie 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' (has explicit references and some scenes but it's adult comedy)[/color]

girlsoswit:
God bless you sweet heart. That's more like it. You sound more responsible and matured than those useless jerk that are sounding nauciating. Wa sere omo. No one like you jor.

[color=#cc0066]Lol[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Words of wisdom:

- Easy to attach, easy to detach.

Easy for him to 'fall in love', just as easy for him to fall out of 'love'. . .

Simple![/color]

[color=#cc0066]I actually believe that there is no real way of telling, it all depends on the individual and even the aspects in someone's life.

I will give you an example, though I believe we are talking about different types of guys when we mean players. When I'm talking about a player, I'm not necessarily talking about a guy with multiple girlfriends, but a guy who is in a relationship with a girl, for alterior motives, for sex, for money, a guy who did not enter the relationship in other to work it out, but instead to see what he could gain, yet at the same time, the guy leads the girl to believe that he is serious and she completes him.

I believe my ex didn't have other girlfriends, but I believe that he ended up returning to the game, there were times when he was very sincere, I mean he may have started the relationship with bad motives, then realised that I was different, then he tried to leave the player in him behind, but then finally towards the end of the relationship realised that it couldn't work, (he was going to move away, and we'd been only going out for 3 months, hence too risky to make such a big commitment especially for a recently retiring player). I am not gullable, I want to believe that the looks of love were all lies so I can completely forget about him and even turn the hate into a positive energy to move on, but his close friend and an ex-player wannabe (he left the game before he got sucked into it), his friend told me (without me asking), that my ex had changed, he stressed this point, saying my ex did things in the past, and that for me he has greatly changed, my ex quit smoking, he used to always want to spend time with me etc, and he even introduced me to his sisters and I to mine. This was the time when I believe he was trying to leave the game. Eventually, he began becoming distant, typical, and yeah I believe it was influence from his friends, his friends often left messages, saying 'are you coming out tonight to catch preys' though they knew he was dating me, his friends looked at me like a piece of meat, who knows they may not have been happy that I was with him, since one of them had previously tried to move to me (and I rejected).

All, I am saying is that the GAME is complicated for the weak ones, yes, he also had the story that his first ever girlfriend broke his heart by cheating on him with his bestfriend and he rarely trusts people.

My summary is just that I believe that he tried to leave the game, but it sucked him right back, what are your thoughts on this Sistawoman?[/color]

[color=#cc0066]The ones being offended are the good Nigerian men and rightly so (or the ones in denial).

If someone said that all Nigerian women are cheaters, I would be offended as I have never cheated in my life, and rightly so![/color]

[color=#cc0066]It's like I want to advise her to take longer to decide, yet at the same time I don't want her to be playing hard to get, cos though guys complain about 'easy' girls, they also complain when girls play hard to get.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]One thing I must point out was that he approached you with the initial belief that you were already attached to his friend, this shows the guy is not a good guy, he doesn't know you, he only saw you and found you attractive, he definitely could not be in love with you like he claimed he was. Also, it just shows that he doesn't care about infidelity, adultery or even respect you or his friend. Does that sound like a guy you should still be chasing after?

NO!!!

Leave him be, he may come to realise that he was a jerk, he may not (probably not), by ignoring your calls by the third time, you should have realised that he was trying to get rid of you, yes I know you're wonderful, but really he hasn't gotten to find that out, he started misbehaving just a week into the 'relationship'.

I suggest you ignore him, he's not worth your worry, he really isn't and he probably found another girl who was willing to sleep with him quicker.

As for all the suggestions about you being cheap, ignore them, always go with your gut and don't play games, but I would advise you to only enter into a relationship with someone who you know fairly well, not just a few dates or him professing his love. There must be more, and don't just assume you're honest that he will be too.

Also, maybe he just didn't click with you, he handled the breakup really pathetically, but guys often don't like breaking up with people (saying the words), so he hoped you'D get the signal.

Don't worry, you can easily replace him, thank God that this happened now and not 3 months down the line when your heart becomes involved, right now your ego is probably hurt, thinking 'what did I do wrong', you didn't do anything wrong. He just wasn't serious.

Take care![/color]

[color=#cc0066]So grand jedi, would you advise that instead of quitting a relationship (not marriage), one should instead continue showing love? There are some relationships which the person doing wrong is comforted by the idea that the other person will never leave so they don't feel any hurry in changing their ways.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I guess you just have to up your standards and make these men prove to you that they are worth dating before you go out with them. I am not saying making an impermeable list, but you need to have expectations, you need to know the guys very very well before you begin dating them, all these things may not prevent heartbreak but then decrease your chances, if you know the guy very well first then you are more likely to see the warning signs in advance. It is not an excuse not to know what your boyfriend does, you need to, because some of it could endanger your life and livelihood.

I will offer sympathy though because nobody deserves to be treated like that, please don't be so trusting in future, I don't mean suspect all your boyfriends, but really don't assume that you are only attracting the good kind of men.

All the best in future, when you meet the love of your life, all this struggle will have been worth it.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Lol, I thought most women liked less hair, not saying it has to be completely hairless, but less hair.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I would think that she is missing out, and then move on, cross her off my list and move on.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I think it's a little creepy, someone wants to get it on with you.[/color]

[quote author=stay-free link=topic=172275.msg2820352#msg2820352 date=1221751324]LOL.Funny thread,
The truth is "most" so-called players were played themselves so they now have no choice but to become vindictive. LOL.

My daddy was a playa, so I was told. But I pray that my sons all three of them grow up to be humans.[/quote][color=#cc0066]Quite a pathetic reason really if I have to be honest. I am very intolerant to that, when you know of the pain it causes, how can you do such a thing to unsuspecting people.

As for Hannibal, yeah the signs are there, but what you're telling me is that it is better not to give people the benefit of doubt. I have known guys to have that look of love in their eyes and really make an effort to care for you, and say they've changed, but time proves that they slowly slip back into their player ways.[/color]

sistawoman:
Both my brothers found their wives in the women they were playing. These women stood out from the rest and made him throw in his jersery and give up his card.

[color=#cc0066]Wow, you must have been extremely hurt by that guy, to the point you were able to lose all sympathy for the women 'who deserved to be played' or the women. I don't think it's an excuse to play people because you were once played, I have heard it time and time again, people using it as an excuse, in this case. I believe you are only using it as a reason, the truth behind it.

I don't think it's fair, I think I was played, by my first serious b/f and though I didn't lose anything physically, I lost quite a lot of my heart to it, and I am still trying to restore it, maybe it's different personalities, but my goal is to restore myself to the person I was before I got played, and so I don't intend to change and become a player myself.

Please Sistawoman, you seem to have gone through a lot of heartbreak, please share the things you've learnt with me, with us. . .
I want to know what qualities make a player give up his game.

My theory is that it's not always the woman, it's the time in the player's life, I believe a player who is almost at the top of his game, will not quit no matter what, if his friends are there, cheering him on and he has a rep to hold, but if he has alreayd achieved that title, maybe his friends are getting married or settling down, then the 'fun' in it starts to diminish and he'll slowly start to come around the idea of something meaningful. If lucky, he meets a wonderful girl, and he now is able to go for it again, he has made his point, he can mess with girls, he can boost his ego, but he needs now to fill in the space in his life.

What do you think Sistawoman? How did the women stand out from the rest?

I have seen many guys play my friends, though my friends are well appreciated by many guys, they are great girls and I'm not just saying that, my guy friends constantly try and get with them and they stick to their morals, they don't have flings and have great self-preservation. The girls are smart, ambitious, funny, gorgeous (physically), and yet they have been played.

What is this thing that makes a player stop in his tracks. . .

And man, have I heard that line before 'I knew I'd change once I met the right woman' also , from a player who wasn't in any mind to change but used it to convince my friend to go out with him.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Sorry, but this doesn't sound serious at all, I don't know how old you are, so I don't know whether you are ready for something serious anyways, but anybody who honestly likes someone, will want a committed relationship, if you are true to yourself you will know that you shouldn't have to tolerate the friends with benefits type of relationship, can you imagine how many other girls he has that with?

The guy is trying to have his cake and eat it, you should be aware that by continuing this relationship, he could easily back out on you, totally, because you two weren't really a couple to begin with.

Also, the things he does for you, are easy for any guy to do, what makes him special, do you two connect on a level, does your 'relationship' have substance? It seems that you are wooed by all the other superficial things that can disguise a failing relationship.

If you don't mind being kept on the bench whilst he roams for a better mate, then continue allowing the friendship with benefits, but if you want him to reciprocate the feelings you have for him then you should give him an ultimatum. He knows what he's doing but do you?

I wrote a post about commitment phobia here:
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-162560.0.html[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Boys are selfish and may not reciprocate, but yes a man will respond with goodness if you treat him good . There are too many one-sided relationships in which someone gives there all and the other doesn't. When both people are mature, they can appreciate how hard it is to maintain a great relationship and in turn appreciate their partner's efforts.

Yes, I very much enjoyed the write up too, it is what I have always believed and done [/color]

bigboyslim:
I said it.

I thought you said "potential" was enough for you. So you now realize that it doesn't hurt to get with a paid brother. Good to hear. Its about time you upped your game. and you have done just that. thumbs up

[color=#cc0066]If I had to put it simply, wealth makes hardly any difference to a person's character, they may be more sure of themselves, but does that improve their mentality or personality? No, all I'm saying is that wealth comes right at the bottom, and it doesn't have to even be extreme wealth, it's not too much wanting someone who is financially stable or is getting there, it wouldn't hurt to have some money, but it is not the criteria, I am lucky from the background I come from, I will be ok, supporting myself financially as soon as I start working, so I won't need to rely completely on my guy. I guess for women who's livilihood depends on their husband's income, they would place wealth higher up on their list.

As for the 'potential' comment, I have realised that maybe my opinions differ to the average Nairaland female, because I am still at an age in which my peers are definitely not going to be financially stable, how many 20 year olds are completely financially stable *no raised hands* - I rest my case.
It would be like using an extremely tiny net to catch many fish. I have to widen my criteria, so unless I want to wait another decade before I start dating or look into much older men, I can only judge by the potential of a man, a man who wishes to become successful and have a comfortable life in future and has plans to make it happen will make it onto my list.[/color]

Hannibal:
Players are easy to spot BUT women ignore the alarm bells and still forge ahead to date them.
When u stick your hand in fire and get BURNT, don't complain.

[color=#cc0066]Not always, but they tend to have shadows, areas where you can't quite make sense or understand how the story fits together. Can you give some clues as to how to watch out for players, yes the obvious ones like, where you meet him, and how he picks you up, I need the really hard to detect ones. Sharing is caring, so SHARE!! [/color]

[color=#cc0066]Sistawoman I am shocked!! Ok, I guess maybe because I have only witnessed such events from the side of the girl being played who wasn't a player herself I feel a little hurt that a fellow woman can stand back and watch whilst it happens. I shudder to think that my brother's sister is laughing with him when I dumped him, telling him, he wasted his time on me and should move on to the next pray. I shudder, brrrrr.
I was talking to a friend about it and she told me that she didn't know what to do really, the loyalty lies with your sibling, and they have a control on you in which even though what they're doing is wrong, you can almost sympathise with them and see their point of view. Lastly, I always thought if she was so close to her brother why didn't she confront him about it, and she said that it was none of her business. I believe the actual relationships is none of her business, but helping to mould her brother into a more responsible young man is HER business, not her job, but she should at least attempt.

Another point is that what goes around comes around, have you not been played sistawoman? Do you know how badly you wished someone told you, and imagine how dissapointed you would be knowing that the sister of the player, through loyalty, watched you be led into the lion's den and did nothing to warn you.

I understand you led the girls in the 'right' direction, in order to make things less painful and at the same time easier to manage at the same time. That redeems you [/color]

[color=#cc0066]iice, yeah, to be honest, those aren't the ways of knowing if a guy is a player or not, all I mean is that, a girl's outgoing brother, who's friends are players, who attends a lot of parties and has a large group of friends, has never once mentioned a girlfriend, mind you the two of them are really close, he mentions no girl, no relationship, but just by knowing him, you know that he is sexually active. Player or not? She would know right?[/color]