₦airaland Forum

k1banty:
i will be 30 very soon so it is a no-go area for me when it comes to a lady with that age range and above.

i notice that women at this age are always desperate for marriage (they will want to do anything) so i won't want to take such a risk even if that woman is a good woman.

In life we have choices so i'D rather wait for the right one with my defined age limit than marry my age mate (maturity do not apply to age)

[color=#cc0066]Hmmmmmm[/color]

[color=#cc0066]My answer is a simple and short Yes - though I would try and opt for someone older than myself.

As for the person comparing our Nigerian women, who do a lot more hard work physically than these pampered celebrities who are never caught without makeup, e.g. Diana Ross* and Mariah Carey, that is NOT a fair comparison at all. And I completely disagree, I believe that African women in general age extremely gracefully.

Also, you can never compare the face of someone who's had an uneasy life with someone who can afford maids, makeup artists, masseuses (not sure I spelt it correctly) and personal stylists.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]In response to the OP and legry, yes I believe so, any body though we cannot say all their reasons are the same, some women, may fear being caught, so don't even venture into that world, others may truly adore their husbands and no other man can compare - especially if the two of them had been through a lot of things together, also, another factor is their libido, a female with a low/slow libido can surpress lust for 'variety'.

Anyways, I want to pick up on that! What is this variety rubbish? Every human has different lips, must we kiss every one, every human has different hands, must we shake every, taste every, touch every, take everything - for the sake of variety? This variety thing has to stop sooner or later.
Eventually, when the hormones of youth die down, we accept the fact that the optimum conditions for a successful relationship relies on dedicating yourself to ONE person, and ONE person only and the connection in which two people being monogamous with each other can make is uncomparable.

Maybe instead of wasting our time here and there, we should focus more on investing on finding that person, that person who you may get used to the idea of making love with them, but it certainly does not become a chore or something that makes someone want to go and sleep with someone else and jeopardise what you have between you.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]My tummy is slightly pudgy, but it shrinks and gets bigger depending on what I eat, I get easily bloated, my tummy is no longer such a problem, though, it is your overall body shape, you said your fiance is fat, so if she slimmed down the tummy size would reduce, just encourage her to eat more healthily, it seems she has no problem with her tummy (and rightly so), but it is a big issue for you. I believe, you have to accept her for who she is (the total package), if the tummy is such a turn off but she doesn't mind keeping it, then she'll end up changing solely because of you and might resent you during the tough training and workouts and pain. Try and encourage her by also doing the same thing, eating the same things, because it seems you are one of those people who are naturally slim/well built. Understand that everyone is built differently, and it could be really diffficult for her to lose her tummy fat.

I disagree with a poster above, as situps will not reduce tummy fat, if you search on google 'layer of fat covering the abs' you'll know what I mean, back to the OP, if you like your fiance 'fat' but not the tummy, she may have to become thinner/thin to lose the tummy fat, as tummy fat is usually the last place your body loses fat, so all that lovely fat that gives her her curvy hips and bum, will all slim down too. There are consequences!!! [/color]

[color=#cc0066]Good attempt by the original post, and I am not in the state of mind to pick through everything, hurray for you skinny girls,

*topup grunts because, though she does not have the genes which allow her to eat as much as she wants whenever she wants 24/7 and not gain a single ounce*

*but then smiles because she still manages to eat everything she loves*[/color]

[color=#cc0066]*WARNING* Long

mfolarin, first you need to know which girl you want, it's not such a terrible thing to be single. I know that it is a lot harder to deal with a breakup if you were single, but hooking up with these girls and taking the 'wrong advice' has been what has been getting you into further trouble with the 4 year ex-girlfriend you claim to want back.

There were some things I was truly confused about in your post, such as the fact that it is blantantly obvious that you are using the current girlfriend as a way of passing time before/if you can return to your ex. It's not fair to her, though she herself seems to be clinging onto the relationship (like you mentioned).

I don't think any part of your heart is with your current girlfriend, you should let her go and find someone who can love her as much as she loves him in return, as you are in no way ready for that. (Who knows what the future holds, in a few years, that man may actually just be a more matured/focused you - but as the situation remains right now, the relationship really isn't a relationship if one is pulling away and the other is tugging towards.)

Also, you seem to believe that getting your ex back will make your life happier, personally, I think everybody needs to be able to learn to be happy on their own, then they can contribute to a relationship. You need to try your hardest to work on that, it's easier said than done, I know. But, do you honestly believe that if your ex reluctantly (after much persuasion by your friends) gave in and agreed to give your relationship another try, that you two will be able to mend everything, to the point that you can enter the relationship again with a fresh start?

*Note* if you answered yes, you have now signed your next few months/years ahead to a life, working at something that may barely progress, a life in which you both may become so sick of trying to 'work at it' instead of enjoying the loving trusting atmosphere that everyone else around you seems to be enjoying in their relationships.

I personally, don't wish to place blame on anybody, but the way your relationship ended was extremely messy, I am sure you think about it every night, of the 'what ifs' and 'maybes'. What's happened, has happened, try and see the relationship as OVER. Then take a step back and reassess your life, do you need her in it?

*If you answered yes* then feel free to re-enter that mess.

It is natural to think about her every day and night, especially when you have no one else to distract you, and you probably aren't filling up your spare time with several activities to take the mind away, after all, I'll give you some slack, you were probably thinking about her like that for FOUR years!!

This is going to take a long time to get over - the honest truth, but all it takes is an honest decision.

Once you've made the decision whether to chase her or to let her be, you musn't look back unless she responds, please do not continue chasing someone who is reluctant to go out with you, they will find it easier to let you go again and again, and the only person who'll be getting hurt will be you.

I really wish for the best and in my fairytale heart and mind, I want you both to be together, but who truly knows, there could be a more wonderful girl out there for you, who is not imature, who won't threaten you with 'it's over's knowing full well that you can get anxious and make rash decisions.

I know I haven't really given my opinion of a solution, but I believe before you even take any action, please take a step back, what you need to focus on is sorting out your life, never believe that your future relies on another human being.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Just keep watch, listen carefully, time is the best way, a pretence cannot be held for years (unless the person is sinister).

But just keep your eyes open, if they love you, they will want to better themselves, they will pay attention to all the small details you mention and they will make sure to keep you in their mind, all their behaviours, physical displays of affection, texting, thoughtfulness should indicate that they care for you. They don't have to say the words, it is their actions that prove the truest.

If she loves you, she will want to please you without making it seem like duty or some scheduled event.

Most of all, you can never know for a fact, because some people don't even realise that they love you, (until you're gone - or after a long time), some people also implicate ways of protecting themselves, so they close off they rarely open up their feelings to protect themselves.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Nice poem.[/color]

Hannibal:
Those 2 factors are the reasons.
All others are purely secondary/tertiary.
Those blood-sucking women in Nigeria don't care whether u flash money about or not. . . . . . .
They were raised in a country where patriarchy reigns supreme. . . . .so what should we expect?

[color=#cc0066]Well, personally, I believe there is NO reason, why I should become so materialistic and use love as a disguise for financial gain. But this is because of my personality, I believe it is so wrong, and it disgusts me to see women do this. However, I have not had to live a life where I have had to make such a decision, many of these women who trade 'love' for money are not of the poorest, they are usually the greediest, the ones who seek to wear designer clothes from head to toe.

No one should be allowed to use Poverty as a reason for why they play games and put money above all else, last time I checked there were more dignified ways to provide for yourself.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I believe it is much easier to stand behind someone's beliefs when the only thing to gain is materialistic. However, when emotions, feelings and love is involved, the same girl may have thrown caution to the wind.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]It is quite unrealistic to compare the love between man and Jesus Christ with the love between man and woman.

I personally know that if I ever told a man I loved him, I would mean it, and if I was ever to say the opposite, we would both understand, I am not into flights of fancy, nor am I into confessing my undying love after short periods of time. I am also stubborn, once my mind is made up, it is made up.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]BigBoySlim, how long did it take you to realise that she was more special than you originally thought?
Also, did you completely cut off contact with her when you left her/ignore her/put her in past/forget about her?
How did come across your decision that she was better than you originally thought, was it through a bad relationship/experience, or your own conclusion?[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Good OP .

Another reason is whether the man is mentally prepared for what is ahead.
This is a conscious decision many men will make, that they say, I will work on this, or stick this through, or I don't care if there is something better ahead, this is where I want to be, and it doesn't have to take the most perfect woman on Earth to bring this change in a man's mentality about.

I don't know what specifically makes a man decide to change his tactics, and to become more hard working in his relationship, but I know it is a conscious decision, in other cases, it truly is a special woman that makes a man want to stay.

On this Earth there are few spectacular women, who tick all of the boxes or points mentioned above, it just takes time for men to realise that if a woman is able to complete the majority, then that could be more than enough for them to have a happy future with her. They too must realise that they are not perfect. I think a mjor problem is self-denial, not realising that they themselves are not perfect. Ok, whilst it is not a crime to aim for the best, to look for a woman who does none of these man-chasing points, it is also sensisble to understand which of the points that you are willing to tolerate to a point.

I have never met a woman who nagged for the sake of it, usually she nags because the man has slacked, since she started going out with him, don't get me wrong, there may as well be some women who simple nag out of habit, but they aren't as frequent, women will tend to nag when thye are getting fed up with the situation of the relationship or where it is heading or the balance between what she does and what the guy does.

In most of the relationships where a man leaves because of the stated reason, it is only realistic to understand that these are not the only reasons, if a woman does not wish to participate in sex during the course of the relationship (which I can completely understand and sympathize with), then usually people will point at that as the reason why the man left. Well, I believe, it was merely a contributor, I believe what truly happened is that the bond between the man and woman was not strong enough to compensate for the lack of sex in the relationship, whether she did any of the other man-chasing points also, doesn't matter, my point is that a man will rarely leave because of one point/incident, a relationship in which a man leaves, is usually due to accumulation of various things. Only a truly sex-fueled man will allow his hormones to dictate his relationships in life.

I have more to say, but maybe I'll just save that for my blog. [/color]

[color=#cc0066]Hehe, and here I was thinking that the post would provoke an interesting discussion.

That seventeen year old, is behaving like a typical seventeen year old, she is confused! Many people take to different things, she could find you attractive, maybe want to lose her virginity so she can 'play with the big boys' (assuming she is still one). Or maybe she fancies you, too many factors to discuss, there is no need to be harsh on her, she probably won't end up growing into the same type of woman or lady. Let's pray it's just a phase.

Stay away from her, she shouldn't even be allowed to get 'down and dirty' with you, neither should you be considering any type of intercourse with her. Also, don't underestimate her, don't put it beyond a girl like that to cry wolf and say you raped her or touched her inappropriately.

Just stay away and stop entertaining her rubbish![/color]

[color=#cc0066] [/color]

Orikinla:
Forget all the lovey-dovey mannerisms, because in most cases they are mere impressionism or a game of wits to see who would outsmart the other eventually.
The lovey-dovey ends the day he has had enough and once to move on to the next target or the day she has had her fill of you and she wants to hook a richer target at first sight.

How much a man cares about you depends not on the time or money he spends on you, but on how much interest he has in your health, education, career, family, security and future.
He must want the best for you and he must prove his love for you by doing his best for you.
If he is not committed to the above top priorities, he does no love you.
End the unprofitable relationship before you are trapped.

[color=#cc0066]Agreed.

How much a person loves you, can be seen from how they are interested about the whole you and not just your body, or your attention.

About the other things, players both female and male, have been known to be able to adopt the mannerisms of someone who is truly in love just to get what they want from the other.

There is no way of protecting ourselves, but the advice above increases our chances of detecting the frauds, as for the frauds who play a great game, bravo to them for the meanwhile, but they won't last long either and eventually their game will be revealed, hopefull before any major commitment has been made to them.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]By him saying that if you find some other man you should inform him first, it means:

- He does not believe that you two are THAT close that nothing can come between you, or maybe he himself is reflecting his feelings onto you, that is; he is not sure that nothing won't be able to tempt him. By saying this to you, he can accept the same 'courtesy', after all he would feel like a hypocryte if he said you were in no way allowed to see or be with anyone else, but then he himself finds another.

What we must make sure of, is moving to the UK gives a lot of people a bigger ego, as if they have made it, it is a whole lot of struggle and can take up to 20 years to get to stability. I can tell you that!! He may think he's made it big, may have even listened to rumours from friends about girls abroad, but not everything is as it seems and he soon may realise after moving that you are one heck of special girl.

I believe you are, but remember, he also has to believe that.

Just be there for him, he is only human, give this relationship your best, I don't even want to give you an option, because I believe you yourself are worried about the relationship. I can't see you losing out in giving your best into the relationship, in hindsight you will have no regrets, you are not being played right now, he is merely loosening the tie that holds you two together. If we are realistic, a relationship's optimum working condition, is close proximity, frequent contact, sometimes physical displays of affection with one another and efforts in being current in the person's life. Once distance is added, it puts a great strain on the rest of the other things that make a relationship work.

In every long term relationship, there usually is a distance factor involved at some time, between courting and married life, whether it be 5 minutes 3 hours or another country, every relationship should be considered independently.

Yes, the questions sistawoman posted are great, but forcing him to answer them may only confuse the situation, as he probably doesn't know what he wants either. Only time will tell, as another poster said, and you need to decide whether this is time together or time apart.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]11. Aim to always aspire to become a better man, a better human, to make a difference, to progress in life. In other words, complacency is NOT an option.

I think no. 10 is the most important in that list, because if the man is thoughtful he will complete no.s 1, 2,5, 6,8 and 9. As for no. 4 it makes a LOT of difference, but I don't believe a lot of emphasis should be placed on it, romance means different things to different people. A romantic man is one who maybe carries out no. 8 (goes shopping for and with her), but for other women it could be a man who specifically has to buy presents or lay roses on the bed [/color]

[color=#cc0066]Every situation is unique, we can't advise you to go and marry someone just because of where you find them, what about a Nigerian woman who recently moved abroad like yourself, or what about a Nigerian woman who has lived abroad all her life, but in the last year relocated to Lagos.

You just can't leave these life changing decisions to little details like these. What you should work on is finding the right personality, it's hard so stop wasting your time with these silly details, what every man seeks is a woman with wonderful qualities, who is well-rounded in all the aspects you would want in a human being, you also want the looks and the other skills. Like I said it is much harder finding a woman who has all these qualities than finding one who just happens to live abroad or in Nigeria.

All the best.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]If you want to be loved > > >

Learn to love and value yourself. . .

Learn to love others. . .

Through these, alike loving people should be drawn to you.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Double Post. Sorry[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I am glad that you have posted on this topic, Nigerians these days are clouded with delusions believing that life abroad is always the easier way out, when in fact I believe we'd benefit more in developing what we have around us.

Easier said than done I know, but in the long run, it'll bring more good for our country and countrymen.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Potential causes;

- Bad personal traits (the final deciding factor)
- Poverty
- Greed
- Giving away too much money instead of yourself into the relationship (you freely give, they will freely accept, only some women will reject your abundant gifts and money)

Also, it could be yourself, if you flash your money about, then you may as well be attracting money hungry women, or if you claim to have excess of money all the time, then she may assume that you have plenty to give away to her various 'causes'.
[/color]

[color=#cc0066]If you have good intentions which it seems you have, you should be fine, always communicate your feelings and try to hold back all of your emotions until you two are better acquainted, that way you can see warning signs and thinking more clearly.

My other advice is that, don't try and think that this relationship HAS to end in marriage, because sometimes this can lead to you working overly hard on a dying cause or losing your fun side.

Just go with the flow and accept that any mistakes you make will help you in one way or the other, if it is just to teach you never to make them again in another relationship.

All the best.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I believe that only BigBoySlim can really judge what he should do next. If he truly loves her, he should never give up, until it is clear that she no longer wants anything to do with him. Right now, it seems that all that she is asking for is some 'miracle' to make the trust come back, well though I believe in miracles, I don't believe in waiting for them, BBS should make his future happen, or at least try his best.

Right now, I am not quite sure if people should be advising you to move on so quickly, it has not been years trying to win her back, has it??

All I am saying is that I can imagine being in her position, she may be just as confused as you are, and may just be taking her time to trust you again, but instead of jumping into your arms she wants to be completely sure that she won't blame herself for being fooled twice.
She may appreciate his efforts, but guys you know that it is really hard closing that door to someone you loved before, and it's even harder to reopen it, especially if everyone is telling her that she is too good for him, and deserved better. All, I am saying is that maybe she is still judging him, are we expecting her to welcome him with wide open arms when he rejected her and hurt her before? Of course not? We only see that sort of stuff in the movies, and in people who find it easier to forgive or weren't hurt as much.

If BBS took people's advice and tried moving on, it would hurt her even more, as I am sure she has already started to slowly open herself up (in the fact she is even talking to him), if I was her and I saw that he gave up, I would say to myself 'I was right, he never really changed, claiming to have found out that he was wrong and different this time. Well, I'm glad I never completely let him back in again.' and I'd be a little hurt, and I'd move on, never knowing how much he truly cared.

There are so many ways this could play out, but it is never as easy as just accepting the rational decision.[/color]

bigboyslim:
Thanks to everyone for your contributions. You guys have been really helpful. Ladies, May your boyfriends or husbands never dump you and Guys, May you never accidentally dump your girlfriends.

[color=#cc0066]Hehehe, Thank you.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I apologise in advance for not being able to do justice to your original post, but I am not currently able to devote all my attention to Nairaland at the moment.

It is always possible to win someone over, especially if their answer was not that of; 'Hell no' or 'I'm getting married to someone else'. As long as she's single, she might as well be buying you more time.
Time, that is the key, with loss of trust, it won't happen overnight, any girl who gets fooled once and who is smart will know to guard her heart twice as hard, which means to you that you should try twice as hard, be twice as sensitive, twice as understanding and twice as persistent.

Since she has lost trust in you, ask her what you can do to regain it, and do it. The last part is the most important.
Don't take for granted the simple things like calling when you said you would, being on time, checking up on her, it's a hard job, but you need to adopt the mentality that she is worth all this effort.

Be humble, remember that she is giving you a second chance, and also keep your eyes open, if she is responding after a few weeks, then continue working hard, don't slack, she can close the gates to her heart in an instant, it's easier after the initial heartbreak/loss of trust.

I would write more but like I said, I will have to leave any additions until when I return.

Take care and all the best.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Yup, it's her battle to fight ultimately, just be there for her as a shoulder to cry on, or to listen to her.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I knew a Henry, he was a cool guy, he was my ex's best friend and after we broke up, continued to be friends hehehe! I think I've had too much supermalt tonight![/color]

[color=#cc0066]All that matters is whether I feel like attending or not, whether we agreed to be amicable, or how sincere his invite is. If he seems like he just wants to spite me then of course not. If we became close friends afterwards, and we both understood each other well and had no hard feelings then why not. I am usually reasonable, but not all exs want to be reasonable.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Sounds like your heart isn't broken but your pride is hurt. You hammered some other girl, not once but 4 or 5 times, and then you currently have girlfriends, you are either taking us all for a ride, or you genuinely don't see anything wrong in your behaviour. She was smart to leave, because everybody deserves to be treated special, not like some backup.

Truth![/color]