₦airaland Forum

[color=#cc0066]I think it just means, he didn't romance her enough, he was too easy to read and too upfront, maybe a little to safe for her.

She'll realise after more heartbreaks that maybe having no GAME is the best way forward in any meaningful or serious relationship.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I am surprised by the replies, maybe a lot of Nigerians live secluded from their families, but I knew a guy who was extremely close to his sister, but he was a player, I dumped him when I found out that he was not serious. His sister might think that I wasn't the serious one, but only if she didn't know her brother. I've asked some of my friends and they believe that siblings are aware especially close ones, when a guy who is young and reasonably good-looking who never talks about one girl, but he parties a lot and his friends are the ones who openly talk about 'preys' and 'making a catch tonight'. She must know, she is his best friend, his confidant - he'd told me. She probably turned a blind eye to it all saying that 'boys will be boys'.

I think that usually, the siblings will know if they are close, but maybe the double life may be sustained if the siblings are not close.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I read it! I actually read it all!

Great write up, my problem is that not all men are the same - like you mentioned, so one man can really appreciate these and see genuine attempts by his wife at making the relationship work, but another might see it as a game, trying to woo the man into giving her things and pleasing him just so she can get things, especially if this is applied to a relationship that is already 'failing'.

I still agree with everything said, it's just I know it's not that simple to find a man who will respond to even you efforts. With my ex, I used to say thank you a lot, I didn't take him for granted, when he wouldn't call I would, when he started slacking with the phone calls and messages, I took over and was checking up on him, I'd cook for him. . . blah blah blah, but it was all taken for granted. He didn't want to continue with the relationship, and may have even interpreted it as a pretence, he always used to wonder why I was always content with giving so much, got a little ticked when I wanted to pay 50:50 for our dates. All I can is when I find the man who will respond to my habit of giving my everything into a relationship, then it will be as you have described [/color]

[color=#cc0066]Just wondering, are sisters and brothers of a player usually aware that their sibling is breaking hearts? Imagine if your 22 year old brother who is reasonably good looking has never mentioned a girlfriend, yet he parties a lot, drinks and smokes?[/color]

sistawoman:
Cheating, OP said Physical trait.

[color=#cc0066]Hahaa, yes that's true. Well then I have to say my legs, many people have complemented them [/color]

[color=#cc0066]From what I've heard, you don't have a genuine connection with your current girlfriend, as though she has many pros and is a great girlfriend, you're just not feeling it, there's nothing wrong with that, but maybe you should stop stringing her along. Go with your heart but handle things maturely, for your girlfriend's sake.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I don't know what your girlfriend is like, only you can tell us if low key or extravagant. All you have to remember is the moment, making the moment special for the both of you two. Maybe take her away for a weekend and pamper her and then propose. Or maybe spend a whole day without saying a word to her, and then when she asks what she's done, let the first words that come out of your mouth be, will you marry me

I really haven't been in this situation before, and every woman is different, just do what you think will make the moment special, don't feel any idea is silly or cheap, go for what's in your heart, who cares about hiding the ring in a cake or standing up on a table in a restaurant.

I believe the more personal the better.

What matters is how sincere you are when you propose and looking straight into her eyes to connect.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]What do you mean by 'love' and 'too sweet to be hurt'?[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Nevermind, I guess you were refering to the OP. I thought you were refering to my long post. A lot of people call my replies essays. .[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I also happen to be an 'essay writer'.[/color]

lucabrasi:
@topic
guys always lie because many women expect way too much at times unrealistic expectations from them,white guys are not under so much pressure from white women either societal or financial thats why they r more honest and upfront with each other

[color=#cc0066]Please give an example as to what the unrealistic expectations are? I'm confused, though I know not all guys are hardworking honest, sensible, trustworthy guys, some are! It isn't impossible so is it so wrong to expect every man to aim to want to be just that.

Not some homeless guy who lives with his mother and hires a BMW so that he can pretend he lives a luxurious lifestyle, or a man with 5 kids and a wife in Nigeria and tells his girlfriend that he can't wait to get married to her and settle down.

There are unrealistic expectations I agree, like expecting him to fully support you in the first year of marriage after just graduating, or expecting him to purchase a new car for you every month, or expecting him to be like another guy, but I don't believe there is nothing wrong with expecting him to be the best he can be.

Are you saying we should lower our expectations? If men were so 'strong willed', determined and enjoy challenges then shouldn't expect to meet and exceed the bar, not beg for it to be lowered so it is more attainable to them?

Just a thought.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]People lie when they know what is right and what is wrong, they know that they are wrong, and that some people won't tolerate people like that in their world, nobody wants to be a loner. People lie in order to pretend to be the person they think other people want, because the person they are isn't 'good enough'. Also, some lie because they are too lazy to sort out the underlying problem(s) itself.

I have heard many lines such as; "I knew if you knew my real age, you wouldn't have even taken the time to talk to me."[/color]

rampagain:
essay writers are back



but seriously can't people make their responses as short as possible,sm people don't even have time to read them

[color=#cc0066]Yeah, I get it! You don't have the time to read it, but some people do. Sometimes a single 5 word sentence cannot answer the stated question/topic.

I have never attacked short answer replies, even the replies that are insults or some joke that doesn't address the topic.

Well done you got a reaction.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Reaching the end of this topic, I'm confused, aren't we supposed to be giving him good advice?

Anyways, just go with the flow , don't think about it too much, don't plan your moves, follow what you think is right and don't put sex on your agenda.

Love her like you would like to be loved, treat her as you would like to be treated.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Though I mentioned that you should try not to mess your current girlfriend about, you still need to focus on you and what you want, but you must be willing to accept the consequences of your actions.

Maybe even make a list of both of their pros and cons, though not all points are in equal in weight i.e. someone making breakfast for you is not as the same as someone being trustworthy or you being able to confide your deepest secrets in them.

Read the list and mark the points that matter most to you.

Lastly, go with your heart as well, then you're less likely to regret your decision.

Just a question, is the girl who now wants you, is she better looking/more attractive than your current girlfriend?
Another question; how did you stay in a relationship for 1 year and 4 months especially when it seems as if you have managed to store up stronger feelings for the first girl than the 2nd?[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Wow, what a story. Many questions need to be answered first; does his uncle know about his escort business? Also, does the girl seem to want to change (though she 'did business' only a few days ago and it doesn't seem like it). I believe the only option now is to have a conversation with the girl, not to threaten her but to let her know that she shouldn't be sleeping around still. It's a tough decision because professionally she has nothing to be fired, but maybe he should just let her know that he is not about to hire his uncle's wife as an escort and he'll have no part in it anymore (which means she would have lost her job). Lastly, the guy should really think about his business, I am sure this is the not the only drama that has been caused by the agency, he should really consider whether he is okay to continue messing up other people's lives and families.

I believe this is a good thing, he was able to turn a blind eye to it, as long as it didn't involve anyone he knew or loved. Imagine if his father used one of those agencies upsetting his own mother.

Anyways, there is no clean solution to the above problem, it's going to get very messy before it can be cleaned up. He may even have to come clean to his uncle because he's holding out valuable information. Maybe he should even could ask his uncle about whether he knows about the girl's past, he should tackle this gently because the uncle could easily think that the guy is jealous of him or interested in his wife to be, lastly, he doesn't even know how his uncle met the girl, maybe he hired her himself.

Messy!![/color]

[color=#cc0066]If the girl you're with is 'decent' then why do you want to go back to the girl who wasn't sure whether she wanted to be with you. It seems that the first girl has had a look around and now her second choice (you) is taken and she has found nobody, so she has convinced herself that you are the one she's now interested in. What's to stop her leaving you during the relationship because once again she's not sure??

I personally think you should stick with the girl you're with, sometimes people don't realise what they've got until it's gone, because why leave a relationship in which it seems that you can't even find faults with the current girlfriend?

You're putting your heart at risk, but if you think the first girl who ignored all of your responses (possibly playing hard to get), is 'the one' you truly want to be with and care for, and you think that breaking your current girlfriend's heart is worth it then go ahead - no, not to double date, but to dump the current girlfriend. You can't use a human being as back up, it isn't fair![/color]

fntekim:
I must be getting something wrong here.
Double dating involves 2 couples going on a social event.

[color=#cc0066]Yup, I believe double dating is only slang for cheating (dating two people at the same time) in Nigeria. Correct me if I'm wrong, but double dates consist of two couples going out together, maybe bowling or cinema. There's nothing wrong with that.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Tough one! I think it's my mind/personality/outlook on life.[/color]

mj:
From my experience, I will ask you to go for people that care about you.
I rather marry a girl that loves me and I don't love her, than marry a girl that I love and don't love me, i'm talking frm xperience here, I have seen hell.
Anyway you don't alwayz get what you want in life. Takia.

[color=#cc0066]I agree, though it is eaiser said than done, the mind always wants to believe that you can change a person or convince them if you just believe or try hard enough.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]The ones you want, you have selected (hopefully) things that you find attractive and[b] they meet your criteria [/b]- that is why you 'love' them.

However, the ones that are attracted to you, were not selected by you, they are different people and maybe you have someone of the criteria they are looking for, and they may not fulfil your criteria - that is why you may not 'love' them.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Be friends first, be yourself, be in the right places in which you meet people who share similar beliefs or ideas. Look out for early warning signs on dates, such as cheapness, pickiness, other habits, lastly vocalise your true wants and desires from the get go, though it is very hard getting a balance in this, so that the woman doesn't feel like you are proposing to her on the first date or trapping her into marriage.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Nairaland is a new experience, a world where people express their opinions freely, as there are some forums in which there is some sort of hierarchy and you are sometimes afraid to express yourself. I like the personalities on here, they intrigue me, I don't know anybody in real life like some of these people on this site, and it reassures me that there are people with similar problems and beliefs and even better. . with similar background.[/color]

sistawoman:
Why is it that some of the Nigerian men from this site can't take rejection nicely?

Why is it that when they hit u up on YIM and you say, I have seen your posts on the site and am not interested in talking to you do they then start to hurl insults your way and threaten you?

[color=#cc0066]I've noticed this too, but I have to say I have noticed it from all sorts of nationalities, it comes from egocentric, immature men, there have been Nigerian men who have said that they understand and have just left me alone - no insults. Last time someone hurled insults at me was on Facebook, I can't be bothered with those guys, it really makes them look even worse and diminishes any chance of a friendship happening.

Sistawoman, you have just bruised their egos and they want to attack back to make themselves feel better.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Nah, forget the money, that's another requirement which doesn't actually reflect on the quality of man. Just give me a decent and loving, reasonably good-looking (doesn't have to be a jaw dropper), guy who loves God with all of his heart and soul.

OP, you refered quite a lot to money, true love has no price, and would that mean a poor but honest man would not be able to win your affections?

All, I can say is that men have been equally played as much as women, but I believe society makes it easier for a woman to continue being docile and gentle, advice from friends would tell her not to become cold or harsh from heartbreaks, on the other hand men, are told to 'forget about her', she means nothing, go out and get 'some fun', or toughen up and be a man, so men are more likely to put up a front, they become harder to read, they may even pretend to be players just so that you are made to feel that they are the boss in the relationship and they have the control, when in fact they may slowly be falling in love with you but remain scared and scarred due to past heartbreaks.

My advice is just for people to treat every person they meet individually, even if you've heard someone's a player, treat him/her with caution, get to know the person first, once you know the person (and I mean take a lot of time to do this, maybe even a year if you can), so that you can understand the person much better. This is how you will find if he/she is a good man/woman or not.

Only time will tell you how genuine someone is, for they can always put on a pretence, easily.

Everybody should try and find that balance between being truthful, opening up, giving themselves completely into a relationship and learning to be observant so they don't get fooled or played, keep in mind that if someone plays you despite all of this, it is their loss, and be happy you got away before the relationship got even deeper, even if you've been in the relationship for years, another year stuck in something like that is not worth your time.

Just love freely, openly, and add some wisdom to every decision you make.

Pretty picture Laura [/color]

sistawoman:
If she is ment to be yours she will be faithful to you. If not then she wont.

Only God knows who each of our mates are.

[color=#cc0066]You know what sistawoman, I understand what you mean, especially the last sentence, however, I don't believe it is that simple. We are all humans, and though I genuinely believe that I would NEVER cheat on anybody I loved (who was mine), but I can say that now where there is no pressure on my life or even anyone to cheat on , I don't know what the circumstances will be like in future, though I know my personality and morals would help me greatly, I cannot know 100%. There are people who cheat and then realise it is the worst mistake they have ever made, and it is the mistake that even reforms them and makes them repent from their past behaviour. Every situation is completely unique, unfortunately, so one rule cannot be made to apply to all. I would like to believe that a man who truly loves me would never cheat on me (I truly believe that I am that special and deserve as much) BUT, it may simply not be the case.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]BigBoySlim, you have a point, and a good analogy too. I am not saying variety is rubbish, but it is a lame reason to want to cheat on someone. Ideally, you should believe you have found the best for you, be satisfied with what you have, because the grass always appears greener on the other side.

I understand your idea about the food, after you've had the same food for all your life, your eyes and mind might start to wonder, if there is something better, but this happens because we are aware that there are alternatives, I believe if cheating or infidelity was made so that it was incredibly frowned upon and wasn't an option at all, not on our minds, not in our society then we wouldn't consider it an option. You may still wonder about 'better tasting food' but you would never act upon it, you would have accepted that you have to deal with what you got, after all it is only food, and there are other aspects that can make a person happy. If you had to eat the same food for the rest of your life, I am pretty sure that wouldn't be a reason for people to want to commit suicide, basically, I believe it is not the worst thing that can happen to someone. Equally, with remaining only sexually active with one partner, if you had to, it is not going to kill you.

Also, apart from knowing that you really have to eat MacDonalds for the rest of your life, you also know that other people eat all kinds of foods, with the introduction of variety, you are more likely to be tempted by the other options, your mind will start to wonder, you will feel like you're missing out.

In neighbourhoods in which there is a KFC down the road, a MacDonalds across the street, a Burger King opposite etc, there is an increased rate of obesity, you are more tempted by the variety around you so you give in more easily. It isn't always better to satisfy one's weakness for variety, I am sure back in the 'old' days before fastfood and variety, food was probably less a fad, we ate to live, it was just another thing we did. What I am trying to say (though I may not be explaining myself properly) is that variety in sex has been hyped up. I completely understand why and how people can become bored with it, when being monogamous but I don't see any reasonable reason for someone to go and explore just for the sake of tasting something else.

No two humans are identical in every way, not even identical twins, must we kiss every set of lips (just for variety), must we hold every hand, touch every part of everyone before we feel that we are satisfied.

A kiss for example, I am sure if you have kissed more than one person, you may believe your partner's kiss doesn't top that list, that doesn't mean that you go out in search for a better kisser. You should enjoy the moment, enjoy the entity of the moment. Not just the kiss, or the sex, or touching, tasting, groping or whatever, but enjoy the connection that is unique to you two.

Lastly, people are nowadays on a quest for the 'best' sex, but aren't focusing on the more important parts to a relationship like genuine love and connection, it is much easier to find someone who is great in bed than someone who is great.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Technology has taken away the romance! ! !

I haven't ever received a love letter, but I have received love confessions in email, and definitely over messenger.
I want a love letter [/color]