₦airaland Forum

[color=#cc0066]I think she should, because after all he bought her the gift, instead of yelling insults, she should have reassured him that she was grateful. She shouldn't be so quick to lose her temper with him, he has all the right to express his concern.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I think every pretence will eventually fade at some time or the other, let's just hope before marriage.

I always advise that people be themselves, we can't pretend forever, so if we don't want to disappoint the person we're with, we shouldn't pretend.

I think deep down inside, pretending to be someone else is just an indication of some self-hate, that you don't believe that you are wonderful enough for someone to choose to be with the real you, that you have to be someone else. In theory, they fall in love with someone else.[/color]

Hannibal:
At 35, u don't expect her to have ice-cold nerves, do you??

[color=#cc0066]?[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Aaah, I would avoid you like the plague!

No but seriously, it seems that you are afraid to commit, you probably have reasons why you have cold feet after 3 months, and you will probably find them out if you just try and look.

For many people it could have been a bad first relationship, in which the girlfriend cheats, this means the guy finds it hard to trust the other person in the relationship and wants to detach from the relationship as soon as it starts to mean something, so that he can protect his feelings.

It could also have been the childhood, maybe the parents argued a lot in their marriage, so maybe situations in which two people stay together for a long period of time brings back fears of the same thing happening.

Also, maybe it's just because of your youth, you feel like if you stay with one person that you might miss out on someone better, and your eye is constantly searching for the next relationship.

From the fact that you said that 'I tend to get fed up easily, even if the girl loves me' could simply imply that you have been dating girls who you didn't genuinely like to the point that you felt it was necessary to work on the relationship. Who knows, maybe when you find a girl who makes your heart jump, you may want to hold onto the relationship forever.

Another thing to note is that relationships do lose their buzz after a couple of months, when the fun and exictement becomes routine and then you have to start working on the relationship in order to build it. Maybe you're not ready to put in your all.

See! There are too too many reasons![/color]

Hannibal:
I thunk as much but it seems to be getting HARDER for women over 30 to nail a man.

[color=#cc0066]All I am saying is when the scope is increased, past just the men who are already in your life, you can find thousands of men looking for a woman your type, if she is willing to go outside her village, town, city, country, continent, the number of suitable bachelors increases.[/color]

Hannibal:
Are u sure all these factors play a role??
There are many women out there in pristine conditions without a man and they are desperately searching.

[color=#cc0066]They are just some suggestions, there are extremes, women who do all the 'right' things and are in the wrong places, maybe all the guys she works with or socialise with or in her area are mostly around their twenties (since we know, quite a lot of men don't like to marry women who are much older). And then there are women who have let themselves go subconsciously, due to society telling them that no one will want them so why are they trying. Other reasons, could be religion, shyness/insecurities, how outgoing the woman is . . .
[/color]

Hannibal:
Besides, her problem is not dating/meeting men. . . . . She wants to get MARRIED.

[color=#cc0066]
You increase your chances of finding a person to marry if you present yourself in a way that interests as many types of people as possible. I'm sure that if she wore a sign that said 'I want to get married' it would scare a lot of men away.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH!

If you took her for granted, I believe that she only left you because she didn't think you loved her, but you truly do. I think you owe it to yourself to at leats tell her this, maybe if she knew then maybe she might be willing to work things out. Love isn't as simple as you're making it out, and Vodka and Ice will only bring temporary relief. Anyways, if it's meant to be, she will return to you, but in this scenario it seems like you were in the wrong, you have now chosen to run away whilst another man 'browse your goods'. You have already given up in the fight for her affections and served the other guy his victory.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]There are thousands of men out there who will want to marry you.

There are several different reasons and aspects you should look at;

- Are you overly picky on physical/exterior things, which can stop you from spotting a truly amazing man.
- Are you taking good care of yourself, dressing nicely and making a great effort to make great first impressions with all the people you meet.
- Also, let your friends know your situation, they may know lovely men out there looking for the same thing.
- No matter what people say, you are not past your 'sell-by date', there is someone out there for everyone.

If you're a Christian also, pray about it, he hears our prayer.

Overall, I just advise you to start making a real conscious effort to make more friends, date more and become more outgoing, the men don't always come to you.

**People please don't be harsh on this woman, I have heard tales of how people treat single women in their thirties, they treat them like outcasts, they don't respect them, I heard a testimony from a lecturer who was in her 30s and she said people would walk all over her, because apparently without a man she was a nobody.
Nobody can really understand unless they are also in their 30s, people will look down and put pressure on these women.
Please be strong!**[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Love is painful, when it is handled incorrectly, when you surrender your heart and put into 110% into something to see it fall apart, it's always painful to let it go.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Hehehe sounds about right.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]One thing I can say is that it can be very unwise to involve your heart so early into a relationship. At a week or a month, you really shouldn't be 'in love', who am I to dictate? Yes, I know, I cannot tell you what to do, but a man who quickly professes his love for you, may merely be inftuated, however if you tell a girl after one week that you are in love with her, it may scare her away, or she might stay with you and exploit it .

Sadly, it takes two to tango, and if these girls are always ending the relationship it could be that you are not doing something right. Now, doing something right is not only limited to the external things, such as buying gifts and calling, it's also the vibe you give and all the body language.

You really have to be honest with yourself, maybe ask a good male friend to analyse any possible reasons, or any good female friend, one who will genuinely tell you the truth. There is nothing wrong in having things to work on, that's the whole point, making yourself a better mate, so the ball is in your court.

I wish you the best. [/color]

[color=#cc0066]Well, if the situation really was as simple as the OP states, then there is nothing wrong with his suggestion to go out, and maybe the wife is being over sensitive and may have changed over the course of the marriage. However, usually there is always an underlining issue (using pre-marriage) that is causing tension. Maybe you two had an argument the night before about something else, and maybe she felt instead of you making time to bond with her so that you two can forget your differences you are opting to party with your friends.

During the first few years of marriage, I believe it is SO crucial to put your spouse above almost everything, reassuring them with every move, obviously this is easier said than done, and eveyrbody believes you can still do the same things you did before the marriage in exactly the same way, duration and times.

I still believe that you should be able to have fun with your friends occassionally, but marriage is not just a simple step up from a relationship, it is a huge jump and you have to be ready for everything it throws at you.

If you start sensing that your spouse is resenting the time you're spending with your friends (and pre-marriage she never showed signs of jealousy), you should in an instant cancel plans with your friends, because I don't believe they are worth your marriage, and they should understand, after everything's sorted, you can have all the fun you want with your friends and because the home is happy, I'm sure she won't mind you going out.

I must point out, the problem is not just that the woman changed, but it could be that the man did not change.

Lastly, both the male and female roles in the above dilema could be easily swapped, sometimes it is the husband who wants the wife to stop going out with her friends so much.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]You've given us too little information, I have to know what your existing relationship/friendship's like, whether he's single, whether he just got out of a relationship, whether he flirts with you or your sister, or whether he is just a platonic friend who is just curious about 'what you want your wedding to be like' - after all he may just want insight into a girl's mind.[/color]

lipuka:
Potential for what? Make money of course!

[color=#cc0066]Now why would I go and contradict myself.

Of course, there is money involved, however it isn't all about that, at the age I'm at, I really don't believe I can judge how fruitful my future will be by how much the guys around me have. They are still developing. More than financially, I am looking for potential, to become a great person, since when has potential always been a guarantee for success or wealth?? A man with potential will be able to make the most of any situation and that is what I am preparing myself for. I do not think a man who is happy to live off his father's wealth is a great candidate, I would much rather prefer the student or the apprentice. That's just my idea, look where Obama started (hate to bring politics into this), I am sure his wife knew his potential, but when she married him, she probably did not know he would be running for president. A man who always seeks to better himself is the one that impresses me the most, not all this money, who knows where he will end up in life, but if it is his best and he keeps striving for better then that is all I can ask for.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]What? How can I have invested a lot of emotions when we just met. Are you asking simple, how would you go about getting this person 'in bed'?

quote - "changing the room into a paradise filled with love." [/color]

[color=#cc0066]I would advise you not to go into such a thing. Marriage is nothing to be taken lightly, you are supposed to take a fully functional engine at its optimum and not some broken down damage second hand one! If he is not behaving the way he should be now, I can almost tell you that he will continue, okay, maybe after 25 years of marriage he will settle down, but by then you may have lost all your hair and gain too many wrinkles and lost weight to depression.

Another thing I believe is that if you know about his behaviour and then marry him anyway, he may believe that you accept it and are willing to tolerate it too, why do you not realise that there is better out there. It isn't too much to ask for your boyfriend to be with you and only you. I hope your self-esteem hasn't decreased to the point in which you do not believe you are worth fighting for.

If I was a friend of yours I would never advice anyone to marry someone who cheats on them, you become locked in a marriage with someone who really doesn't see you as anything other than someone he can have as a backup.

Ask any decent man, it's not ok.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]21 times!! Hollandis?!??![/color]

[color=#cc0066]Is there any reason why you are sending her all your money?

Will you regret it if she runs away with your money?
She isn't showing signs that she loves you, so I'm sure she thinks you are just giving her the money, knowing full well that she may not reciprocate in any way possible.

You sound like you are at a high risk of losing all your money to this girl. Please don't say you weren't warned.

Anyone who is decent and respectable will not take money from someone if they do not intend on investing anything back in the person's life.

If you take money from someone who loves you, but you don't feel the same way, you are using them, it sounds like she's using you. I hope you make the right decision, protect your heart and truly ask yourself whether she is worth it. It already sounds like you're having doubts.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Well, you may be right about them!
All I'll say is a girl needs finance, support, without someone bringing home the bacon for her how else is she able to maintain herself?

However.

A woman is a whole different case. A real woman, is independent, and doesn't live off anybody, she is willing to compromise for the sake of family etc,
But she is resourceful and can support herself, she is her own person and if she is committing herself into a relationship she would rather much prefer to add to the man's life rather than subtract.

I advise you quit wasting your time with the girls and look for a real woman [/color]

bennygee:
they want a good things of life which only
money can buy.
the more money u have ,the more attention u get.
and u can have most babes if u gat hard cash to burn.
and of course not forgetting
a good Bleep from time to time .
nothing keeps them happier than these two things mentioned.

[color=#cc0066]And am I weird if I say that neither of the things above are in my criteria for choosing a potential boyfriend??

What I look for in a guy is commitment and potential [/color]

[color=#cc0066]If things happen in the relationship as the OP mentioned then that relationship seems to lack communication.

Both people should be on the same level, so that when you don't only know when you are ready for these things but also when the other person will receive them with as much eagerness.

If the relationship is going well, then even if you misjudge these times, the other person will make up for it, if you don't buy a gift, they will understand, if you do buy a gift, they will be surprise and accept it humbly. If you proceed to 'make love' then they will openly explain that they are not ready (though like I said before, in a relationship in which the two people are in tune with each other, you should not only think about when you are ready, but when the other person is too and believe me, it becomes obvious when two people are ready for each other). If you don't wish to 'make love' and the other person does, you yourself can genuinely explain your reasons and the other person should be understanding enough also.

Relationships are about give or take, if anybody flares up at you for not doing 'the right thing' then you are probably not at the same level and need to work on it.

Like I always say; communication is the key, if you communicate you both will learn how and when to instigate the different stages in a relationship. (Easier said than done).[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Agaba123 you already can, you just don't know it.

As for Olanajim, if I was to read aloud my comment to you, you probably wouldn't have taken any offence. I read through everything I write before posting it and after, and I still stand behind what I wrote, I don't think 'SILLY' is the highest of insults, let alone even an insult, it sounds like its just a little tease, most of all you were being silly, the question you posted didn't seem to be the most serious and genuine.[/color]

olanajim:
Dear agony aunt,
Please I am in deep problem.

My major problem is that I have no problem. Please help!

[color=#cc0066]I don't think I have, but sometimes it is possible to break a person's heart without knowing, especially when they put up a pretence that they don't love you, or are unphased by the break up.[/color]

bigboyslim:
Life is never described by a single adjective. At times its beautiful, at times its very ugly.

[color=#cc0066]Bingo![/color]

olanajim:
Dear agony aunt,
Please I am in deep problem.

My major problem is that I have no problem. Please help!

[color=#cc0066]You are not serious! You've got yourself in a loop there, when you have problems then you'll ask for advise for those problems, why not enjoy not having problems SILLY.[/color]

agaba123:
there are natural consellors who analyser your situation effortlessly. she is natural and that sounds like her first love. 'Get a job you like and you will never work for a day'
She gets fullfilled doing that so I sure know it cannot affect her quest for first class.

There's a kind of joy that comes from giving which brings about peace then enhances your understanding. Even monkeys feel the joy of giving.
That is why those guys that spend their time doing discussion classes for other students hardly fails. Apart from the fact the also learn in the process, the are at peace and they learn better in such a condition.

[color=#cc0066]Yup, this is the case, I really do enjoy helping people/sticking my nose into other peoples' business, often I go to bed SO late, that I actually don't know why or how it happened, and then I wake up the next day and do it all over again.

Thanks agaba123, sounds like you're doing a bit of analysing yourself - did you realise?

As for DeepZone, I think you should get a virtual restraining order, but then they don't exist, so I guess the equivalent is to just ignore Hannibal - or play nice![/color]

[color=#cc0066]Firstly:

Every human being has the right to refuse sex, no matter the circumstance, you cannot penetrate someone without their permission, you cannot take charge over someone's body without their permission.

I mean you might think that you can force/"convince" her but if she doesn't want it 100% then it could be viewed as rape.

Maybe you should have been upfront at the beginning of the relationship and said that you were in it only for sex, because that's what it sounds like.

And, still in the 21st century, you think it's okay to beat women.

You need to talk to her, find out her reasons for not wanting to have sex with you, you never know they could be really genuine, not everybody thinks that sex is a vital part of a relationship. Another thing is she could feel like she's being used, especially if you're putting so much emphasis on the sex above other areas of the relationship.

Just a heads up.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]You began by saying he was your fiance, but then I assumed you two were married as you then said 'he is already married' - hopefully to you of course?[/color]

[color=#cc0066]I know myself well enough to say that my life wouldn't be made worse if I didn't know, but also with self-knowledge, I know that I would probably guess the signs (distance, avoidance . . .) and I would figure it out eventually, and the paranoia would make me confront him.

However, if he is remorseful, if he has stopped cheating, and was able to put 100% back into our relationship, and I didn't know a thing, I wouldn't want to. Who says that I can't live a happy life without knowing.

There are so many people around us living lies and what makes us able to cope is the fact that we don't know.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]What is the police system like, near where you live. I believe if possible obtain a restraining order, and don't ever underestimate him, it's always better to be safe than sorry. Try and cut off all links with him, and maybe increase the distance between you.

Does he seem like the crazy/mental illness patient type?
Do you believe he could actually kill you?
Please tell someone close to you, parents, your current boyfriend, your friends, they'll be able to advise you better than any non-attached online source.

I'll pray for you.[/color]

[color=#cc0066]Ahhhh, life, what a beautiful thing.

Staying on top of it is easier said than done, but it is possible.

I think. . .

- Life has many seasons, don't judge your life on one, when you are ready to give up when the nasty winter storm approaches how will you ever manage to survive until the summer blossoms and rainbows arrive?

- Life should not be a game, don't try to predict a thing! Just ride it, like a rollercoaster, every so often you get to choose, which ride (path) you want to go on, but once you are on it, you just have to let it take its course, worrying about the bends and dips will only cause you unnecessary stress and you will miss out on the enjoyment of the experience. (My own unique analogy )

- Life is short. You may not think so now, but when you're 65 and your hairs are starting to fall out, you will wish you sezied every moment of your twenties.

- Life is not all about material gain, the most interesting and wonderful people are not necessarily the wealthiest or most gifted, when life has been spent enjoying every moment, you have wonderful tales to pass on and your memories will be fond.

- Life is not a competition with the people around you, but instead with yourself, focus on making yourself happy and then your happiness should naturally rub off on others, many people live long prosperous lives but never become the person they want to be.

*I'll add more if I feel up to it. . later* [/color]