₦airaland Forum

Ladyhippolyta88:
Right is something you have or own, constitutionally it is inalienable and fundamental.
Consent is what you allow or permit.

Fron your definition,

A husband has the right to his wife's body yet the wife has to allow him to touch it.

crackhaus:
Okay I got into it now after switching browsers, was making use of Microsoft's Edge earlier.

Good for you.

Gloriagee:
Yeah, it is assumed and if I was asked, I will have said yes, my consent is required. If after giving birth, a husband Is asked to chill at least 6 weeks before sex and he doesn't die, cant fathom what's so difficult about holding body cos a spouse said no.

What has a husband chilling after birth got to do with the topic?

Creamcustard:
I found the thread deeply offensive,perhaps op did not know how she came off?

Where is the enjoyment in sex if it is forced? Especially when it is by someone who swore to love and cherish you and vice versa.

A man or woman that loves you and is considerate of you will not force him/herself on you.

Are you also implying that if a husband wants for eg an al sex,even if you're not in agreement,he is free to carry on because once you are married,you have no choice?

Or maybe if a wife wants to stick a cucumber in husband's ass,he can't say no because he has already given consent on the marriage day?

Where do you draw the line?

You mentioned that when the person gets hurt they can seek redress.

So how hurt will the person be before they can seek that redress? 1 inch wound or 2 inches? How about the scars that are psychological and others cannot see?

Where will they seek redress for that one?

Bukatyne, before they deleted,I mentioned that you may need to sit with some victims and see the impact of rape ,years and years later they remain damaged.

Imagine being in an oh yes marriage and sex is carried out forcefully on you.

How about a partner with STDs? Can you also say no?

People do not want sex for various reasons,their wishes should be respected.

How can marriage be a shroud to allow atrocities? You implied that rape can happen between unmarried people but once you are married rape now carries a different name.

Is vag inal tear from forceful intercourse when married
different from the one sustained when it's a boyfriend?Do cuts to a pe nis have a different design because he is a husband?

I understand how difficult it is when the person you love and want to be with says no to your advances,it happens to the best of us.


Consent is vital,marriage does not erode a person's basic human rights.

It gladdens my heart to see many people speaking up against your statement.

I wish I was able to answer your questions on the other thread.

There is sexual abuse when someone wants to do something you find demeaning or unnatural e.g. Anal sex.

I have to keep repeating this: any partner injured should seek redress. A wife who was beaten, kicked, choked etc. (outside BDSM) in the act should seek redress through whatever means they deem fit: legal with evidence, family meeting, pastoral, counseling etc.

If there are issues in the marriage, they need to be addressed. If a partner is physically abusive for instance and you still comfortable enough to stay with them, you must be willing to carry out your duties. It is like saying I hate my boss, you did not report the person or resign yet the said boss gives you a task and you refuse to do it.

Or you hate your parents, don't seek redress, don't call their attention to it, keep bearing their surname, keep eating their food and when they send you to the market at 9pm start complaining or refuse to go.

Rape has physiological impact, yes. So does battery, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse etc.

This is not about eroding human rights in marriage: this is about each party knowing their responsibilities the moment they decided to get married.

For instance, I have a right to my husband's surname and to live together after marriage. He has the right to decide his co-habitants however the right I have to live with him is greater.

eyinjuege:
It was a deeply offensive thread.
Simple as ABC.
Some women go through similar experiences in marriage, and because it was their husbands that violated them doesn't make it any less of a violation. It doesn't reduce the pain or the shame that comes with it. Rape is rape, and there can never be a justification for it.
I'm yet to see any man that would publicly agree that he forcefully takes his wife. Nobody confesses to such because they know it is wrong

A woman who was injured in the act by his husband should seek redress as she deems fit.

@Cococandy

Please read up these links:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4896089/

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shakti-amarantha/2014/09/ejaculation-vs-orgasm-whats-the-difference/

Cc: Xaos

Xaos:
Marital rape isn't rape.
A man ejaculating is not same as orgasm.


This is a classic case of mental retardation.
Seek professional help OP.

I would advise you to learn.

When I made that statement, I would have expected you to read up on the subject.

Interesting.

I would like to know their abortion laws also.

Marriage was allegedly on decline yet dude was paying for spa and birthday getaway and madam was enjoying it.

Carry go.

Timi Dakolo is really on this case.

I get him sha, it was a church member, they would have dug to the bottom and meted out a 'befitting' punishment.

Ranchhoddas:
I think there's a cabal on Nairaland especially on this section. Once the cabal is against you you stand no chance. The validity of your arguments nothwisthanding.
Once the cabal is "offended" you are toast.

I wouldn't believe it is that deep.

The topic is very sensitive.

Omoluabi16:
The mods were right to delete it, even if you made one or two points, It may give young impressionable minds the wrong signal about relationship and marriage. Either ways, sex without consent is CLOSELY associated with battery and violation. Marriage may give the rights, Yes...But sex is a 2 people something, not 1.

I very well agree that sex is a 2 people something, not 1.

So no 1 person has the right to hold the other to ransom.

babyfaceafrica:
why are u worried they deleted a thread?..create another.. if they delete that kip on creating it...

Hahahahahahaha

cococandy:
That being said, if we as a society can become more open about discussions of sex (in real life not an anonymous forum), if we can promote sex as an enjoyable activity for women, if we can value the female orgasm as much as we place value on that of men, less shaming for women who like to have sex as much as men do, then maybe will get somewhere with this whole sex a marital duty versus sex as beautiful gift for women.

Can’t suppress feminine sexuality all their growing years and then expect them to get married and have it all together.

Root cause analysis.

This is only a part.

These same women are very sexually expressive before marriage and suddenly feel suppressed in marriage.

I agree that some men also feel their wives shouldn't be expressive, some are selfish, etc.

And a man ejaculating is not same as orgasm.

crackhaus:
Thanks.

I read the first, didn't read the second because it requires registration...but I get the point.

It is your sin

It did not require registration from me for that article.

cococandy:
you said consent has already been given because of the marital status.
Thus implying that further consent need not be sought.
Sex without consent is rape. And consent is needed each time. Marriage doesn’t give blanket consent. It’s more than that. A lot more.


If it would have been rape outside of marriage, then what in marriage makes it okay or less of a crime? The loss of personal dignity? Loss of choice? Loss of autonomy over one’s body? Is that what marriage is? I don’t think you realize the implication of what you were saying.
that wasn’t for you per se. just in general the types of posts that make it to this forum.

non-consensual sex isn’t a responsibility of anyone. If anything we should be advocating enjoyable sex for everyone and ways in which sex live can be improved between married people instead of viewing it as a duty. It doesn’t have a good connotation to it.


Same as above.

How is this consent sort in marriage?

What happens if the wife doesn't give consent in three months?

ibkayee:
What I got from the thread was that the concept of marital rape is not recognised in the Nigerian constitution, the Bible and the Quran so it is acceptable if you got married under the Nigerian court or practice any of these religions, since it isn’t seen as rape even though it technically is.

Sounded like indirect advocacy to me to be honest. My main qualm with the thread was the fact that impressionable and insincere minds may take it and run with it. Plus the way it was framed did not sound like it was meant to open discourse for ways it can be criminalised for example, it sounded like ‘this is how it is and that’s that’ because so and so (insert some sort of ‘sovereign’ law here) said so.

Is there any thread apart from the Islamic section not open for discussion?

Anyone who read the read well would not see advocacy for physical abuse during sex.

Hmmmmm.

A woman trying to conceive would enjoice at the implantation of an embryo whether theoretically alive or not.

Calm4good:
Ma'am, thanks.

You are welcome.

lielbree:
Unwise decision.

The day I discovered my hus was cheating, I sold of a good chunk of his valuables.
Each time I see the jewery I bought with the proceeds it reminds me of how all men are cheating dogs and why I must always work extra hard to protect my finances and my heart.

Hmmmmm

tydi:
I believe every lady knows the kind of man she is married, why was there court ship.

I haven't read any where a Nigeria man divorced his wife without catching her in the act. Bring forth proof if you have any!

Still give him insult at home, even after no destroying his life saving business he started building even before the hell client sent wife.. The woman she married with also his hard earned money. I see the kind of wife you will make Victorian..

Any woman suffering choose to do so before the door is always open, If she leaves 20 replaces her..

A real Nigerian husband has spoken.

valentineuwakwe:
PURELY MADNESS..COULD THIS THEN BE CALLED LOVE?

Love from the wife or husband?

ebonyggurl:
The man who cheated nko? He fell from heaven abi?

Hahahahahahaha

I wish I am privy to what ended his marriage to Toyin.

She was all loved up before the divorce.

This was actually funny.

What was the reaction of the usher/ Church?

Calm4good:
Can you will your wealth to your wife?

In an ideal situation, couple own the wealth and the survivor should control the estate.

Craziestgirl:
It isn't His wralth, it is "Their" wealth.

It's better if the man dies without a Will (Intestate).
The wife will own Everything (Assets and liabilities).
If there is a Will that leaves nothing or too little to her, the Will can be legally contested.

Why should she contest her late husband's will if she doesn't suspect foul play?

Ladyhippolyta88:
Before Nkor consent and right are two dfferent things.I believe people have autonomy over their bodies even in marriage
Should she be exhausted because she wants to satisfy her husband sexually?
Consent is required before sex not duty.
Simple as Abc.

Should she be exhausted because she wants to satisfy her husband sexually?

No.

However, if she treats sex as a priority and not an after thought, she would make adequate room for it.

What is the difference between right and consent?

merahki:
Hello, I read it and found it offensive and wrong
Don’t lose your humanity in a bid to “sound” intellectual
Cheers

Thanks for the advice.

I am not trying to sound intellectual.

I am addressing a common issue.

merahki:
This is true
Another thing? This same poster called marriage the Xfactor in women’s success (she edited it later) and while this may be true for her, maybe marriages validates her (not a bad thing). But that was indirectly, maybe unknowingly trying to put down unmarried women and their success or lack of, especially those who may want marriage but are unable to get it. I noticed her username after reading through that thread
While that one was insensitive, this particular OP is simply horrible (and to think it quoted scripture makes it more so)
I am glad it was deleted

I called marriage the X factor in women's success or men the X factor in women's success until I changed it to married women?

My dear, you should have noticed that I am very politically incorrect and say things as they are.

Almighty Ibunkun Awosika and Sheryl Goldberg COOL of Google said at different times that the husband a woman marries is the most important decision she can make.

Engage the Folorunsho Alakijas, Late Dora Akunliyis of this world and the first thing they tell you is the support of their husbands.

I look around what happens in the the society and create threads to solve them.

If a young lady knows that the choice of husband is extremely important, she becomes more sensible in her choice.

If that is a bad thing, no wahala.

During your wedding ceremony, when you are advised to satisfy your husband sexually, tell them you will be giving consent to do.

@crackhaus:

https://www.theweek.co.uk/98330/when-did-marital-rape-become-a-crime?amp

https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/feminism/2018/12/when-many-don-t-consider-marital-rape-crime-it-s-no-surprise-justice?amp

crackhaus:
You and I are on the same page here Bukatyne.
Even though we weren't in agreement on that thread, I still believe it didn't warrant deletion.

I stand corrected though, if marital rape can still be a topic of discussion in the US which already criminalizes it, then I don't see why it shouldn't be discussed in Nigeria where it's not acknowledged by law.
Talk about being more western than the westerners themselves.

If you read several western blogs, you will realize that underneath the facade of modernization, most of them are still very crude and primal.

True change can never happen until we understand what was wrong with the old system and teach people better.

While I understand the emotions of the thread (wives were maltreated etc. etc.), we are going to create another set of problems tilting overboard.

Instead of teaching women that they are not bound to have sex with their husbands or have autonomy over their bodies (which is not true especially in a religious marriage), teach the men to be sensitive, selfless, loving and considerate.

Any other way will create people who will come out to vehemently 'campaign' against it while more men will physically abuse their wives or as 'cool' husbands cheat and ruin the family.

Same problem with women's rights.