Iamsane: You are contradicting yourself...if both still cheat. Then the problem isn't polygamy but the society that has been over sexualized with and making sex a competition.
I wonder why prononents of polygamy refuse to get it:
robk: I decided to join Nairaland after a lot of search on marriage and sex on google directed me here. I have been married for 5years and the only time i never had issues with my wife about sex was our dating period and the year we got married (Please take not that we don't have trust issues). Immediately our first child came, her drive for sex dropped. I have done everything possible to awaken her sexual drive to no avail. She always complain of being tired because of house chores and i even went as far as helping to bath the kids, take them to school and bring them back, wash dishes, do laundry and many more just to ease the stress for her yet she still denies me sex when i need it most. It's not as if i ask for it too sex frequently, most times it's usually on the average of 3 or 4 times in a week yet she sees it as a big deal. I have explained to her my real self, if i have my way i would had sex 2 times every single day of my life, but i had no choice but to adjust to 3 or 4 times in a week, sometimes 2 times or even none.
Maybe i didn't go for counseling prior our marriage, maybe i need to know how it should be done or how other women do it. I have heard women say that they have never said NO to their husband and i have heard men said their wife's have never said a NO to them before. I'm at the verge of looking for any good loyal girl who i can place on salary and who i can run to whenever my wife says no because i will never force a woman to have sex with her even though i paid a pride price on her.
This issue is worrisome to me and it hurts me deeply whenever i'm in the mood and she turns me down, it makes me feel a lesser man and couple with the fact that she never gets wet makes me think otherwise.........maybe she don't love me deeply hence her withdrawal from sexual activities, maybe it's because she was circumcised and it makes her lost interest in sex, i have asked myself a lot of questions and also asked her same questions but all she says is that i'm not grateful and that she can't kill herself because she wants to satisfy me sexually. To me it's a big deal that can tear the marriage apart in no distant time hence i came here to seek some advice before the worst happen
Please only constructive advice, thanks
I would rule out circumcision because your sex life prior your baby was great.
I also have a problem with her saying she can't kill herself because she wants to satisfy you. She is accusing you of not been grateful for what?
Let her know that it is her duty to sexually satisfy you and whatever she likes, she must do to satisfy you.
Saying you will cheat without addressing the issue is saying a woman should ignore her husband and collect the child's school fees from an ex.
Just how you cannot decide you don't want to kill yourself and not do your duties at home, she cannot decide not to do hers.
That said, I think you should stop some extras you do till she starts fucking you with euthanism and desire. Extras like little things you gift her, extra things you do to make her happy else you are enabling bad behaviour and it is like giving a child biscuit after they throw a tantrum. Don't also settle for duty sex.
Doing more chores et al will not cure your problem. Just ensure that she is truly not tired from overworking/exhaustion.
@Forcing her: Except you are talking to injuring her, marriage provides everlasting consent and you are well within your rights to apply whatever measure you deem fit to get the sex from her.
merit1988: What all this complain of married men and sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex all the time? Isn't there other things to ponder on in marriage than sex? Ur even calculating the number of times to bleep a week.who does that? Marriage is for mature minds and not for sex freaks.
I would urge you to take your advise and not get married yet.
Women crave 'attention' from their husbands as a show of love.
Men crave quality all of you in it sex from their wives as a show of love.
All the husbands who complain of their wives sexual negligence always feel rejected; not 'man' enough; unloved etc.
The first wife does not look happy. That smile is so fake. Look at the pain in her eyes.
Nobody I repeat nobody likes to share their spouse!
@bold:
Some women believe caring for their husband is too much work and opt for a co-wife.
If she doesn’t really love the man, she will be living single (have more time to pursue her personal interests) whole having the respectability and provision of marriage.
Shedrack777: i love this woman's courage. and it's high time our christian women start asking and supporting their husbands to marry 2nd wife. we will have helped them selves by reducing cheating husbands.
but when that 2nd wife shows and teach the 1st wife something, she'll sure come back to the media and lay accussations on the 2nd wife that she's evil.
it'll happen. BELIEVE THAT!
If polygamy solves adultery, Alhajis will not cheat.
Polygamy even multiples cheating sef. The husband can't satisfy all the wives.
Originalsly: Doesn't this show a complex?...I must marry White or as close to White as I can get?... natural or self made? And do you really think 4 months is enough to get to know someone enough to make marriage promise?....if yes, ...I'll put a check mark on my calendar and be getting back to you on a different level in April!
Vivly: Erm, obviously you engaged in several kinds of pre-intimacy in your previous relationships that's why there is a standard here. Keeping the marriage bed undefiled does not mean engaging in all sexual acts except penetration. If you had kept to that scripture in its entirety, you'd have seen this type of your husband's sex as the norm.h
I strongly advise the post below:
truthsayer009: He who wears the shoe knows where it fits. Its only people who fought in the Civil War that can truly tell you the pains and agony and not those who read the stories.
Likewise this, You can only speak little of what u have experience of.
I'm not in support of young single ladies dishing out advise to married women. Pls let them marry first & witness it first hand.
Even churches strong on purity teach intending couples explicitly on styles and things to do because they understand the place of awesome sex in marriage.
It's saying because I have never tasted beans, I cannot decipher if a plate of beans is well prepared or not.
1. You are only lying against your ex to hold him responsible for your actions.
2. That yes your parents may not put up a restrain against your decision but it is not their that made you took the decision but your greed.
3. That your parents didn't support your marriage to ex is another lie just add up to your excuses to make your reasons stronger. If they didn't support you marrying him before going to abroad is now that you are married and in abroad they are now supporting you breaking up with your husband to marry the ex.
4. That you never loved anyone but that you are a gold digger. The only reason you are now not loving your husband again is because the realities is now obvious to you that all that glitters are not gold, you have now seen more prospect in the man in Nigeria than the obodo oyinbo husband.
Having made the above points i must tell you that if you go back to your ex you won't last with him because he will treat like a trash that really are, you have lost your values and dignity.
herveze: Thanks so much ganie, I think this is the best advice that I can take though it will be costly but at least i will be able to rest,for those that are insulting me that I suppose to take her when u are in my shoe ,u will understand better,but before that time let me say this, anything u know you cannot continue doing until u die for ur wife,don't ever start it.
You did not respond to me:
Why does your wife run a personal shop three months after her delivery?
From my own experience, in our family we love and cherish our fathers and grandfathers. My grandfather was everybody's darling. His children and grandchildren did not only love him but literally worshipped him. This man did not only provide money, he spent every free minute with us. He took us to his shop, he let me sit on his lap and steer the wheel of his car, he bathed us, cooked for us, dressed us, took us with him everywhere and would beat the f*** out of anyone who dared to insult or touch us. Family was everything to him and he could see no fault in any of us, unconditional love was what he stood for. This is where I learned that it exists and what it feels like. Until this day, everyone, even the men in the family, have watery eyes when remembering him. No woman in the family can compete against him though there is no competition. He died at home surrounded by his family and he was pampered till his very last breath.
RIP my first love
RIP to him from here.
Don't mind them. If a man is good to his family, they will appreciate him.
I have seen children appreciate fathers who did not have smooth relationships with their mothers.
Timbuktuo: If only rich men knew what kind of losers are boinking their wives while they are out working and trying to make enough money to qualify for the pitiful sex their wives reluctantly dish out, they would reevaluate their purpose in life.
Interestingly, the losers would marry and younger losers boinking their wives; it is a stage thing.
Timbuktuo: @Filani, one of the first things I learned in the red pill was that you can not negotiate genuine desire. If guys learn nothing else, this particular lesson should never, ever be forgotten. It is crucial to maintaining frame. Once the passion starts to dwindle it's time to move on, which is why most red pillers are anti-marriage because of the near impossibility of maintaining that passion long term.
I laughed out when I saw a girl call herself the 'Red Pill Girl'. Red Pill in itself is anti-women. A RPG believes in keeping her virginity/ extremely low body count, be fit, good mannered etc. get a good, loving and responsible Alpha man (Red Piller) to be married to forever.
A red Piller is looking to sleep with as many women as 'desires' him while treating them like shit unconsciously/subconsciously.
There is a Christian blog (BiblicalGenderRoles) who are Red Pillers anyways. Some female bloggers with same beliefs support him (e.g. Girl With the DragonFly Tattoo (GWDFT) however, I realize that BGR wants women to submit bla bla because they are under their men, have a almost slave/master or daughter/father relationship and it is their duty. GWDFT wants women to submit so that their husbands are loving, reciprocate and mutually respect them..... No bi today gender war start.
Timbuktuo: As I learn more about the dynamic of romantic relationships, I appreciate the wisdom of our ancestors as expressed through marriage customs and traditions. When you think about it, do you really want a woman who never really liked you to inherit your possessions after your demise? A woman who only ever saw you as a guaranteed meal ticket while constantly on the look out for some better option?
What wisdom did they express through marriage customs and traditions?
> Bride Price: Peeps have always said that it was/is used to gauge a man's financial capability.... Money > Disinheriting Widows: The stuffs just went from a woman who saw him as a meal ticket (in your words) to a family who saw him as a meal ticket. Also remember that the man's children suffered in this practice.
And like I said earlier, likeness or not of the wife just started recently. I would think one way used to mitigate against a woman hoarding sex was polygamy. At least, the women would compete to please the husband not because they desired him but because he controlled the resources.... still money.
This post is one of the most important from Rollo for Men to read, especially b4 signing the dotted lines.
He clearly outlines one of the root causes of sexless marriages today, Clueless brother marries holy sister believing that a ring on her finger is a guarantee of passionate sex for the rest of his married life only to have a rude awakening when the sex "suddenly" evaporates!
He then enters a vicious cycle of trying to "re-ignite" the passion by being more "romantic" but the situation only gets worse! She continues to pull away from him and since he has no understanding of intersexual dynamics in today's world he thinks " maybe if I was MORE romantic, maybe if I did ALL the Chores, maybe if I trip her to Dubai, maybe...maybe !!!
Clueless brother doesn't understand that "You can't NEGOTIATE desire! A woman who wants to Fvck you WILL FIND A WAY to Fvck you!"
Brothers like this usually get a rude awakening when they find evidence of wifeys wild sexual past
As @timbuktuo said the brother was simply the second half of the sisters Hypergamic plan of her life.
He was the "Beta Bucks" ,she didn't marry him because she was attracted to him sexually...She married him because her Alpha bleeps guy isn't interested in "settling down" !
Why should he? He is aware of his SMV ,he knows he can have a diffrent Hot chick in his bed every weekend, why tie himself down to just one?
Sister sees the handwriting on the wall, time is no longer on her side, her "Olympus is falling" and she cannot compete with the new ,younger, hot babes on the scene.
She repackages herself as "born again" Holy sister in her church and clueless brother thinks he has found "Gods will" for his life
She accepts his marriage proposal but in her heart of hearts she STILL wants the Alpha bleeps guy!
In this day and age, a Man needs to know exactly how a woman sees him!
Am I her Alpha Bleep guy or am I the Beta Bucks guy?
It is only a foolish Man who knows that she only sees him as the Beta Bucks guys that goes ahead to marry her!
Your attachment is terrible in a funny way.
And like I told Timbuktou, the AF/BB is more of stages than men.
What would you advise the husband in your post to do?
From personal experience, ladies that are excited about sex always get guys fired up, with little to no down time. But on the other hand, especially in a committed relationship, a lady would get "comfortable" and the fire is smothered gradually, and the guy starts looking outside because he wants to have an experience he has only a memory of.
As is aptly said, "Betas are for their bucks, and Alphas are for the Fûcks" is the reason for the so called "cheating" we see in society.
Timbuktuo: 1. Women have transactional SMS mainly because they don't even really like their husbands in the first place. There's a dynamic known as Alpha Fûcks(Validations), Beta Bucks(Transactional). What this means is that women are with alphas to have sex with them and with betas for their ability to provide, which has been dealt with somewhat in your article.
2. This is the reason women have a lot of sex with their boyfriends/fiances but once the dotted lines are signed, sex dwindles. It is a known fact that married men have way less sex than they thought they would before getting married. (And, no it wasn't because of headaches or chores, in fact, women would rather do chores than sex their beta husbands ). Those things the husbands do to woo them is their payment for the sex with him they really didn't want to have. If a woman wants to really Bleep you, you could be the poorest thing on the planet and her gash would be gushing juices. And we know most women are married because of the financial security their husbands represent. How else do we explain women leaving their broke ass boyfriends of several years only to pop out of nowhere with a willing fool to wife them up? Many of these women actually go back to their own exes for one last fling or to continue the relationship because Betas are for their bucks, and Alphas are for the Fûcks.
3. So, what do we think? This is the way of the world, has always been and it won't end anytime soon. It's basic human nature and all we can do is maximise our status in the game. Also marrying for love is a myth. Marriage is done more for its benefit to either party than any real love that is often touted.
4. One more thing: as a man, don't be in a relationship where your value is weighed through how much material or finance you contribute, it's not worth it. If your woman is materialistic, bin her like rotten meat. Wait until you can find a woman who really, really likes you and your bullshit and you hers. Otherwise, you just end up in a dysfunctional marriage where you hate each other.
5. One more extra thing: Divorce is always a valid option. A very, very valid option.
Did you just resurrect? Welcome back!
1. As much as I try to understand this, I don't believe it. Except you are telling me that AF/BB refers to the stages in one's life and not personality because the AF (young man) 10 years ago is a BB (Mature husband) today. Only few people retain their AF behaviour all through life. Again, If I am to tailor this to the Nigerian environment, then I would say AB/BB i.e. Alpha Bucks/ Beta Bucks because only few university girls sleep about with guys/men just because. It is always someone who has value to give.... money/grades/intelligence/protection etc. Also remember that a university girl's AF/AB is probably his wife's BB.
2. I agree with you. Now, I am thinking: If the wife loved her husband, would the sex still dwindle? Would she still desire the man after a while? Some men actually believe in plucking a wife from her school BF and building a home with her. Especially those going for younger women. The deserted BFs also grow and do same.
3. Real love exists... door! True it is the way of the world, come to Christ.
4. This advise is dicey. In a traditional setting, a man is ALWAYS measured by his financial capability. The concept of marrying for love is relatively new. It is just how a woman was ALWAYS measured by her youth and home keeping ability. The mutual bullshit thingy is new school... and sorry,, you can't eat your cake and have it dude.
LewsTherin: Well, I tried. I even went to the main article and all I coukd come up with was the thought that the writer is someone who percieves relationships from a standpoint I would never countenance.
Yes, many a time women use sex as a means to get something from their husbands or as a reward for getting something from them. In our context in this here parts of darkest Africa, women are taught/conditioned to see sex as a man's thing. They forget they have their own desires. The suppress their own desires in order not to be seen as sluty. They forget how to feel desire so they give it to the man as he wants it, or as they want to get something from him.
Women growing in our time are working themselves out of that mindset. However, because our own part of darkest Africa has us thinking only of survival women still see sex as a man's thing giving it to the man as he wants it, or as they want to get something for him.
NOTE: there are always exceptions to every generalization.
Like I said somewhere else, I do not agree with his 'religion', however, this articles struck home. Again, because he is writing from a different culture (American), there might be a little difference.
I would have agreed with you however, 1. These women knew how to satisfy their boyfriends and sugar daddies before marriage; 2. These women know how to satisfy their husbands when they want something; 3. Some have affairs and are very sexually expressive in them.
I would agree that some Nigerian men have issues with wives who are sexually aware of themselves. I remember a colleague saying the wife would find it strange if he decided to initiate sex in the kitchen (not that he did and the wife found it strange; he is projecting his beliefs on her). Another one said women can still not ask their husbands for sex in Nigeria. I just rolled my eyes. He is also married.
Mindfulness: Same things that attracted me to him in the first place. I am very sporty and have been working out for decades now, watching my weight and I prefer a man who does same. I tried to be with someone who was the opposite in the past, I got disgusted pretty quickly. I also like men who take personal hygiene very very seriously, who smell good (it is a trigger for me) and who do not fart around me and who I am not ashamed of in a restaurant, men with good manners. He must be handsome and tall and dress well, be confident and articulate, hard-working, friendly, polite and smart. He has to know how to touch a woman and size matters to me. We must have the same sense of humor because laughter helps relax. A stressed woman has a lower libido. And he must have his own thing going on (hobbies and friendships) else it will get boring. I will stop here because I could write a book praising the man I am blessed with now.
However, there are times when he can do nothing to heat it up. After the loss of a loved one, there is nothing that will make me want s.ex. I have also noticed that my libido declines when I neglect my workout. Women should be told that good blood circulation does wonders to their libido.
You already have a thesis going here
The author is looking at instances when the libido is not there just because...... however, will pop out when the wife wants something or for someone else.
LewsTherin: One reason I think there are more "what women need to do" than "what men need to do" is because, IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, a man's desire is relatively straightforward. Admittedly, there are some exceptions to the rule, but generally the rule for men can be boiled down to "Keep his stomach full and his balls empty". This may sound crude, but in essence, men require the comfort of a comfortable home - which is not just about food by the way, and good sex from a willing partner. Respect, and all the other virtues in proverbs should be easy with a woman who is willing to give her man what he wants.
On the flip side, women being more emotional are not so easy to pin down. I believe women want comfort and security but the terms of comfort and security vary widely from woman to woman. When a man meets the comfort and security standards he is ok with, he reasons he has met the woman's needs but the woman may not even accept he has begun to meet her needs. And as is too often the case, she begins to resent instead of being clear on what she wants.
Now I believe that desire, while basically a chemical process, can still be a choice. The decision to please your spouse, to love your spouse, when taken in truth, will eventually generate the chemical responses that we feel as sexual desire. It all boils down to honestly taking a decision with oneself while being honest with oneself. A person can decide to love their spouse while deep within resenting the spouse. It's not easy as subconscious decisions are difficult to deal with but it is doable.
I love my wife because I choose to love her. There are times she drives me up the wall, there are times she forgets I exist because the kids and her health are filling her mind. But it doesn't change the fact that I have decided to love her for eternity and so no matter what, I still find her very sexually attractive.
It helps that she happens to be a virtuous woman too.
LewsTherin: Thanks for the mention. However I couldn't pick the point of the OP. Seems to be bunny hopping around the place. I'll wait for some more comments. Maybe the point will get clearer for me then
Bros mi, thank you for honoring my mentions:
This is the crux of the thread:
Lastly, ladies, the best compliment you can give a man is with your body and consideration. Unexpected gestures, being an imaginative lover, staying in shape because you want to please a man, are the best expressions of genuine desire, admiration and respect. Nothing conveys real appreciation for a man better than the unsolicited desire you reserve for Alpha bleeps. You want him to know you admire and respect him? Initiate sex with him, often and with intensity.
baby124: You can love your husband without putting him in god-like status. Your children are also very important. All should be done in moderation. The fascination part really makes me laugh. Quite unrealistic when the true realities of life set in. Then the Alpha and Beta man nonsense is another entire load of crap. This article is quite a crap dump.
@Bold:
I do not agree with the author's religion: Red Pill; however, I am very interested in sexual dynamics in marriage and he seems to have done justice to it from his POV.
I abhor adultery BUT I acknowledge and realise that hating it or saying 'God forbid, it will never happen to me' without putting measures in place to mitigate it is futile.
Family › Re: Poverty Made Me Faithful To My Wife - Ghanaian Man To CNN Journalist, Amanpour by bukatyne(f): 4:00pm On Apr 15, 2018
). Those things the husbands do to woo them is their payment for the sex with him they really didn't want to have. If a woman wants to really Bleep you, you could be the poorest thing on the planet and her gash would be gushing juices. And we know most women are married because of the financial security their husbands represent. How else do we explain women leaving their broke ass boyfriends of several years only to pop out of nowhere with a willing fool to wife them up? Many of these women actually go back to their own exes for one last fling or to continue the relationship because Betas are for their bucks, and Alphas are for the Fûcks. 
We must have the same sense of humor because laughter helps relax. A stressed woman has a lower libido. And he must have his own thing going on (hobbies and friendships) else it will get boring. I will stop here because I could write a book praising the man I am blessed with now.