₦airaland Forum

EfemenaXY:
Morning Bukky.

Your first and last comments are contradictory

Re the point you made earlier about the sort of advice (a.k.a grin and bear) given to distressed married women on here - majority of those are dished out by secondary school & underaged kids on here. I don't think anyone takes those seriously.

They are not.

Yes, there are defined roles but the workforce obviously does not take that into account when issuing pay cheques.

tearoses:
The Nigerian society?
This is half of the problem then, when the man thinks that like his shoes and his car, he has "bought" a wife

Telling a Nigerian wife that earning would make her less exposed to 'disrespect' is like pulling the cart before the horse. There are several earning/contributing wives 'disrespected' daily.

Can we honestly say earning wives are not cheated on or 'disrespected'? Remember Titi Awolowo?

If he believes he bought a wife, then her earnings is also his

tearoses:
Personally I think that a woman should go into a marriage with something no matter how small
Even if you are selling poff poff
You are showing the man that you are capable, industrious and you bring something to the table as a partnership no matter how little

Marriage is long term and as time goes on situations may change and the decision may be made that the wife becomes a housewife, but at the very start of the marriage I believe that a woman goes to her husbands house not just with a suitcase.

These are my own personal opinions and this is what I will tell my daughter.

Ok

if you are saying the wife must be financially ok, should the husband be domestically ok too?

tearoses:
From what I have seen in some cases the woman expects too much financially and is too dependent on the man.
This makes them man feel big headed and almost feels as if he has "bought" the woman
Even from when they are dating the man does most of the spending
If he doesn't then he is called aka gum and stingy etc
It shouldn't be so
A woman should be able to stand tall
Ive had this discussion before but I have been told that its the economic climate in Nigeria
I still don't buy it
If you cant afford it then go without it
Its really difficult to put your foot down against something to someone that is feeding and clothing you.
Ive heard where a woman has complained about the man coming back late and having affairs and the man turning round to ask the woman is there anything that he doesn't provide for her . . . . that's total bullshit to me, but if she is totally dependent on him her options are limited.

In our society, the marriage roles are well defined.... Husband provides, wife takes care of the home front.

Why should a husband 'disrespect' his wife because he is doing his duty? That is akin to a wife 'disrespecting' her husband because she cleans and cooks for him.

We also have cases of husbands who insist their wives don't work and still 'disrespect' them.

There are also cases where the wives earn more and the husbands still disrespect them.

tearoses:
its simple, the men know that with some people they cant get away with what they will normally get away with

Thats why I laugh when people say Nigerian men are bad, because I know that in there somewhere there is goodness, its just that the women have not managed to tap into it.

The same man who misbehaves with a Nigerian lady will behave with a white woman . . why?
because he knows what he has to loose
Its the women who should sit up and know what they want and their worth.

There was a thread being discussed where some people were advocating for women to get married with zero income and expecting the man to support them both for as long as.
This is virtually unheard of by oyinbo standards.

You will only be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. respect yourself and people will respect you.
Lay ground rules and stick to them.

@Bold:

Is there anything wrong in a woman marrying without zero income if they (husband and wife) understand their roles in the marriage?

Does it mean all 'respected' non-African wives of Nigerian men earn an income?

Shymm3x:
I don’t know but I think the OP is just exaggerating from the outside looking in. From the soliloquy she posted, you can deduce that whatever observations she made was never done with an open mind. And that’s evident in the stereotypical tripe she posited about Nigerian men being “overbearing,
controlling, and paternalistic”. When making observations – you have to do it with an open mind, devoid of bitterness and unnecessary assumptions. I can say all Nigerian chics are utterly disrespectful and they don’t know how to talk/act, hence anyone dealing with them would’ve to firmly demand respect – to get it. But if I were to use that premise as the background to study the interactions/relationships between Nigerian women and non-Nigerian men – would I be able to get a perfect picture?

Yes, there are Nigerian men who’re “overbearing, controlling, and paternalistic”. However, all Nigerian men aren’t the same. Background, experience(s), environment, beliefs et al play significant roles in the way people interact with other people. Just cos everyone with a particular nationality falls under the “Nigerian men” umbrella/tag – that doesn’t mean everyone’s the same. People naturally treat other people the way the treated by returning the energy they receive. That’s the subconscious effect of action and reaction. And in some cases, it’s about treating people how they want to be treated – but it has to be reciprocal.

Now back to the issue about Nigerian men marrying foreign women in droves and treating them like trophies. I think it’s basically overblown cos most Nigerian men are naturally predisposed to marry someone from the same background/ethnicity/nationality. We as human beings feel more comfortable being around what we’re accustomed to. Then you have the subconscious role the image of the mother plays in the type of woman most men are attracted to. So the average Nigerian guy will always be inclined to courting/marrying a Nigerian chic. Even when there’s no connection whatsoever and their mentality doesn’t align with the idiosyncrasies associated with the average Nigerian chic (connection is very important in courtship/marriage cos that’s the pillar in which understanding stands on). And perhaps, the few Nigerian guys who have been able to suppress the inclination made their choice based on connection, regardless of race/ethnicity/background/nationality. The lack connection might be the reason why a lot of relationships/marriages between Nigerian men and Nigerian women are problematic, while the relationships/marriages between Nigerian men and foreign women continue to blossom.

Regardless, this type of topic is just boring. Folks need to start taking responsibilities for their own actions and whatever reaction they get – and stop moaning. Once you learn how to give out the right energy, you’ll start getting the same energy back in return. If Nigerian men are putting foreign women on a pedestal, it shows foreign women have things Nigerian women fundamentally lack. And perhaps it’s high time they started looking in the mirror and making amends to whatever reflection they see.

@Bold;

I thought that was the standard behavior going through posts on NL.

ronald4lif:
Hmmm, interesting piece.
I can confirm, albeit regrettably, that I'm guilty of some this cold-hearted disposition when in an amorous affair with a Nigerian and when with non-Nigerians.
Why I act the way I do is something I can't tell exactly but I think it has been firmly established and subconsciously intrinsic in my blood, apparently due to my upbringing and environmental influence.

A Camerounian aphorism would say every tumbu (tape worm) get e own palm tree wey e dey enter. Nigerians would say shoe get size. What this roughly means is that, people are cognizant of the fact that it's not everyone they can treat with utter dismay and not everyone can entertain their unscrupulous attitude, so they treat different individuals based on their fundamental scruples and standards.
Women are usually responsible for the way they're being treated. From the inception of an affair before it even get to marriage a woman should be firm with her principles and never condone any attitude they think goes against her boundaries.

Like the writer succinctly wrote, women in the western world have strong regards for themselves, believes in fair play and they won't bend their rules for anything. Men on their part have realised this fact and would abide by these rules as they're aware their ass would be kicked out faster than the speed of light should they misbehave.

While I'm not advocating for divorce, divorce isn't entirely bad like the Nigerian society portrays. Women (and men too) shouldn't eat sh1t coz they want to stay married against all odds and shouldn't bother about what people would say. 'Jobless' people will always talk whether you're married infinitely or not, they must have something to keep their sad lives entertained.

@Bold,

Where do you think Nigerian women are missing it?

And do you think this really resonates with the society? Look for example at the advices given to women in troubled marriages. What is the solution?

Modified:

What does the OP even mean by 'treating better?'

bennyrazz:
" but with the foreign wives, their balls shrink! Such men live by schedule." - This part of the article got me laughing out loud. If you want Nigerian men to start treating Nigerian women the way they treat their foreign white skinned wives, then I think you need to take a cue from our oyinbo wives. You need to learn what they are doing Right.

If Nigerian women don't give it all, Nigerian men would go extinct for Nigerian women to marry except you want to be his play toy.


Another factor is in Nigeria, marriage is considered to some extent has being between two families rather than the norm in Western countries which is between two people. You are trying to carry the baggage of your immediate family as a Nigerian man, you are also thinking about your in laws who thinks, you are making big money
in America. So marrying a white woman cuts off those links. That's what I think and that's what I know, I would have written more deep deep about Nigerian marriages/weddings from a different perspective for you to understand somethings but let's leave it here for now.

...

What are the foreign wives doing right?

Brite02:
To all my esteem friends
Merry Christmas ahead

.

Thanks a lot

I wish you and famliy a wonderful 2016

Nice one OP

Thanks

Yes

Different materials for different buyers

craziebone:
yes, why did you ask?

Well, your post to Coco suggested otherwise.

craziebone:
well, i think she was fair on a number of issues. Care to outline where you think she wasn't fair?

I cannot relate to what she said; it seems pulled out of thin air and exaggerated to make her points.

craziebone:
why do you think it is crap? Care to explain?

The author did not write that article with objectivity.

But then, I do not hold it against her; most people don't support their points with objectivity

Feminists and anti-feminists alike.

byvan03:
Preparation is going well, in a few days time it will be over and reality will stare everyone in the face. Let me enjoy the holiday while it lasts, am giving my TV a run for its worth .

Lols

I know that feeling

Enjoy while it lasts

babygirlfl:
Happy anniversary to you and your hubby. May you celebrate many many more years of happy anniversaries . We share same anniversary month.

Happy anniversary to you.

Long love filled marriage and best of everything

@Cococandy

More and more love filled years with your hubby and plenty plenty kids too

cococandy:
Didn't read nada though
No time.

Lols

cococandy:
See your life?

I read the article too and I think it is basically crap (to put it likely).

craziebone:
so when Chimamanda goes all over the world preaching feminism, you will tell her the same thing? If you have nothing to say, kindly exit. E dey pain you, when people express a contrary opinion but you can be the fiercest to attack men on your feminist agenda

Did you read the article you quoted?

It is a very nice article by the way.

byvan03:
Hello dear, I was banned by that spam bot shyte so couldn't reply earlier, I don't mind at all. There really are no absolutes, you take the risks that are worth taking.

True

Noted

How are you and family? How is Christmas preparation going?

byvan03:
Waiting to be a graduate and bag a job is no excuse in my opinion, you can still be a wife, a graduate, a mother if you want and still bag same job. I believe the man isn't a child, he saw matured working spinsters before he fell for an undergraduate. I also believe he is braced for the challenges ahead, once they are determined to make it work, it will work . Education first or marriage first guarantees nothing, isn't it better to take both on board if you are convinced you are with your man?

As a matter of fact, the younger you are married, the more time you will have in your hands to become whatever you want to be. At 30 your kids should be in primary school and you still have plenty time to do more with your life. You will enjoy early marriage with the right guy, nothing beats growing into maturity and building lots of youthful fond memories.

Wanted to tag you but thought you would mind.

In this life, no absolutes.

As far as the guy is right and she knows the challenges, it will be well.

cococandy:
He didn't think she would have the courage to leave. Now that she's leaving his eyes are clearing.
[/b]Probably because he realizes he'll now have to work to sustain himself.

Crocodile tears.

[b]If she goes back to him, the maltreatment will continue. Him and his family are not nice people:

100%!

If she goes back, na die be that.

Even if she wants to, let him show signs of genuine repentance.

It is very obvious the man is the problem of that marriage.

I guess this is applicable to women who want to hold their husbands to Ransome as a result of food.

I am yet to see a real disadvantage in marrying a good cook.

Fineboi2:
Should Married Couple Talk Dirty During Sex?Let leave it to married couples

Is there a manual for these things?

[quote author=Mindfulness post=40885106]

Come on, they are smarter than this. They can maintain their lifestyle and use his money to maintain their delicious toy - boys too even after the divorce took place. This is true progress. Evolution and survival of the fittest at its best. [/quote

Lols

baby124:
Abeg go back up and read. Not in the habit of repeating myself.

No problem

Will do

Thanks

Solidkay:
My dear u r a gonner,u supposed hubby is hiding a very biiig secret frm u which m pretty sure if u find out u will use d exit door,
Reminds me of a brother in Deeper Life in Benin,his wife has been tying her turban since their courtship days till they married,yet she wont put it off even when they make luv,mnths into d marriage d husband was forced to remove it,that was wen he found out that his wife has a small horn in d middle of her head.

Heard the story too.

Also gathered he disappeared with his credentials one day.

bennyrazz:
@ sighs at bolded Couldn't think anything lesser. Kudos for bringing those references here. Since you know the attributes of a perfect Nigerian wife, you could also help or do justice to the topic "How to be a good Nigerian wife" without been sarcastic. A few pointers could do

You do that.

You know the perfect wife for you

Sagamite:
Let me warn you in advance:

If you tell her a woman should leave a marriage after divorce with what she brought in and what she made in it, she would say you are saying "women should leave with nothing".

Those mean the same thing to her.

Thanks for the warning although absolutely unnecessary .

I want a discuss free from assumptions. We learn everyday.

Sagamite:
Or ...........work hard to provide it for yourself.

True

Stillfire:
Who is Baroness Deech? I like her way of thinking.
The human tendency to bastardize institutions that are made to protect us is our bane. And it's this same excessive attitude (i.e. the inability to curb its excesses) that is killing patriarchy and caused a revolt from the women folk.
We should endeavor not to go down that same debilitating route patriarchy went.
Tales like these are not a win for women but an embarrassment as well as an excess that certainly needs to be curbed. We should always always aim to be fair.

Cosign

baby124:
I pity your arrogance. You obviously do not know anything. First law of partnerships is to share profits or losses equally except the operating agreements stipulates otherwise. Now in marriage a prenup will be the otherwise here? Yes or no? No wonder you are even insulting me on top of your glaring ignorance on partnership rules and laws. You are an economist. So what do you know about partnerships. If one was ignorant now, you people will be spraying all sorts of rubbish in the air hoping it hooks someone. Funny how you are trying to convince me how profits are shared in a partnership without a partnership agreement or prenup. Lmao. What won't I see on NL

Why do you think a woman is entitled to a settlement from her ex-divorce if they do not have a joint investment or if she was not an housewife?

Sagamite:
Exactly!

The law is structured to ensure she continues getting a lifestyle she is accustomed to.

What about the lifestyle he was accustomed to?

Nonsense!

@Bold:

The ex-wife will do his laundry weekly and ensure he and his new chic has fresh soup in the freezer weekly.

She will also ensure the house is always neat and tidy.