₦airaland Forum

Stillfire:
Bulls eye! Absolutely agree. You can imagine how tough it is to get into university that universities have to cut down on people who genuinely want to go to university not knowing they have filled up the entrant pool for that year with some insincere females that have no plans of using their degrees.

Lols!

True however, i think the major concern is the below:

soonest:
Yes, we go to the same school and even put in the same number of hours at work. Then why should I come home slaving after a man. Do his laundry, cook for him, take care of the children, clean after him etc. You all want a financially independent woman but you wouldn't want to take @ least 20% of domestic chores. Yeye dey smell. Men are called to be providers first and foremost, I don't know why a lot of you are becoming lazier by the day .
For the ladies, nothing wrong in marrying up, who wouldn't want an easier life

Onegai:
I understand your mum. It may not be "class" the way we understand it but "class" as in, background of family. See, there are some things I read on NL that I have never experienced (having siblings hounding on my neck for money, sibling making me slave away in their home for school fees, everyone divorced, domestic violence acceptable, even taking permission to allow relatives visit or go and visit etc) yet this is the reality for a lot of people. Maybe your girl comes from a background where your mum thinks her family will interfere too much (because that's how they are). Or maybe she thinks your girl's mind hasn't been exposed. The last time I saw a case like this, the MiL was sorta right but all the problems manifested after the marriage. And yes, the wife in question looked and acted like a saintly wife material.

The good thing, both of you were in school together and that time in life is hard to pretend for either party. Tell your mum you're listening and ask her to come spend time with you and your girl (and you do the same). If she still feels that strongly against your girl, you make the decision whether or not to marry.

Let your mum be honest and share her issues with he girl with you. If they are valid and you know your mum so you can tell if she's being unreasonable, give her an ear. Your wife will eventually come first, but it's nicer to have MiL on her side.

I've seen attractive wives whom are in bad marriages because they married a man who went after "Wife Material" instead of marrying "The woman who suits me best". Maybe your mum knows you and is seeing that perhaps in the future, you'll have an issue with this girl (and it may not be the girl's fault, it may be yours).

Lovely piece I must say.

ahnie:

This your thread/diary is the ultimate stress reliever....

Kilode?

RadicallyBlunt:
D last pic. Dem dey plait leg hair again? To be frank this is what men deserve from their wives not daughters..that's the lesson learnt. But u'll hardly find such a care-worthy tenderness among grown up women. They seem to know everything.

Lol!

It is not compulsory to marry a woman you know

@OP:

Lovely

cococandy:
I like this thread

Me too

How are you and family?

Is she here?

raumdeuter:
OP

As much as it might hurt you, Its either you take a strong stand, be more authoritative or leave the situation aka walk out completely

1. Some women have daddy issues in their life. And they react better to taking orders. They prefer to be lesser partners instead of equal partners. Your quest to make them equal partners would make them see you as weak. Since she is that type, I think you might need to be more authoritative. If you were in Nigeria this would be the right option

I 100% agree with you.

Learnt that since and call them 'Nigerian' wives.

Selena06:
It is horrifying at times to state the length guys in relationships go to make their girlfriends do some things because they are dating.


There are relationships (not married) where the guy expects the lady to visit him every weekend, wash his clothes, cook for him and store in the refrigerator, clean the house and entertain his friends that may visit during her stay.


Sure, it is good helping your guy out but whereby he makes them compulsory and queries you when you fail to do them is not so cool although as they would say, different strokes for different folks.


NLanders, what's your take on this, is it right?
Meanwhile, I am new here. Show me some love

Hmmm...

First, I see no difference between a meaningful well - defined relationship and marriage except the solemnization.

That aside,

What agreement do they have?

What does the guy do for the lady?

quivah:
∆∆∆∆
Actually,they do believe there are still some faithful men ..but they just feel unfortunate and bad that they do not fall among the good eggs.
So, anything to disregard the faithful men...is a go!
I think that makes them feel alright..

Lols @ post.

chocolateme:
Nigerian husbands always expect their wives to always put on their wedding bands wherever they are going including when At home.
But why can't the guys also wear their own? Even also in the case of engagement rings.
They practically turn the women into "Lord of the Rings" ok oo it is well with our Nigerian guys.

Most of my married male colleagues and family members wear their rings....

There are some women who do not wear their rings also.

Re: Engagement rings...

Do women give men engagement rings?

Cammo:
I have a girlfriend that I plan to marry. She's a 100 Level student in UNILAG but is having difficulties paying her up school fees. Her mom, a widow, is doing her best but it's not enough. Since I'm a graduate and now working, I feel like helping out. It's an obligation I earnestly wish to take but my friends keep telling me that she would eventually dump my sorry ass for another guy before graduation, and there's nothing I can do. Very confused. I love her and I know she loves me too.
Please advice.

Hi OP

Yes, it is a risky venture with a lot of negative testimonials (this thread will testify) BUT

First you need to plot the graph well

1. How old are you? Wen do you intend to get married? I ask because you are dating a 21yr old newbie in UNILAG. Assuming she is doing a four year course, she will finish in 2019; one year service ----> 2020 apart from getting a job.

If you intend to marry earlier, is se open to marrying as a student?

2. What is your qualification? What is your goal/dream? What is her goal/dream? As you intend training her, are you training yourself also or do you intend to stop growing because you are training her?

Say you are a HND holder, do you intend to do your B.Sc.? IF already a graduate, certifications?

3. Appearance: What is your dress sense? Are you willing to be flexible and stay in style? Are you young at heart?


A 21 year old girl will want different things when she is 26; same with you also. Her tastes will evolve and as she mingles with her colleagues, she becomes more exposure and see things in a different light.

Are you willing/ready to grow?

Think about it.


P.S.: Saw where you are worried about another man 'snatching' her due to money.... Take a step to evaluate your relationship and her values.

Faith111:
Op, Love is not proud nor boastful...
Is not selfish nor does it seek its own way...
Never help any1 and rant about it...
Telling your friends your plan in the first place is wrong cos their rep 4 her might reduce...
Till today no friend or family is aware of what my hubby did 4 me cos that would have made me look like a slave before his influencial family instead of a queen..nd trust me I would have quit cos I won't want to marry into bondage...

@pet4ril I think because of what the guy did 4u, you shouldn't dump him like any other guy...He deserves explanations, prayers, patience some form of dialogue. And your quitting must not be based on other options available but because you are truly tired of his bossy attitude and if he feels sorry about it, get on track with him...Even if u no longer together, always relate with him in respect and appreciate the fact that he was there for u...Never try to bite his finger, puff urself be4 him or cause him any emotional trauma...

I just had to quote this...

Very lovely I must say.

NifemiOlu:
We’ve read and heard tales of people who snatched other people’s significant other. It’s not new but the psychology of snatching is worth examining. Snatching or talking someone out of a relationship requires gut and intense desire which is fuelled by a motive—a goal in essence. I have two positions on this issue.
One, the idea of snatching is not even ‘real’. Taking a simple analogy, would someone offer you something in exchange or replacement of something that has got no value? If you’re going to replace something with me, what you’re bringing must match up or in most cases surpass the present stuff I have. Now, if a girl is thinking of snatching me away, if it’s real, she has to offer what my current girlfriend is not ready to or cannot offer. This is the bargain. Bargaining is the pursuit of happiness. If you feel someone has snatched your partner, you need to realise that he or she was not snatched. It was a decision to leave you because you did not offer something the ‘snatcher’ is offering or offered.
Two, supposing the idea of ‘snatching’ is real, the people who snatch and the person snatched are not always happy. Below are the views of some people:

Paul Pierre
…As populations grow [more dense], we become more interconnected and social circles overlap.  It becomes uncivil and unacceptable to approach social situations with a selfish/narcissistic "may the best man/woman win" attitude.

Ian Peters-Campbell
The real problem I see with pursuing someone in a relationship is one of trust. Say you find someone who you really like, but she's already in a relationship. You decide to break her up and go to work at it. Eventually she falls for you, leaves her current partner, and you wind up together.
Now everything's awesome, except that now you're with a woman who is unfaithful, and you know for a fact that she's someone who can be stolen away by someone else. Do you really believe that you're so special and unique that you're the only person who would be capable of convincing her to be unfaithful?
There's an old street preacher trick where the preacher asks a woman in the crowd "would you consider sleeping with me for a million dollars?" If she says yes, he asks "and would you consider sleeping with me for five dollars?" When she responds with outrage, asking what he takes her for, he says "well we've already determined what you are. Now we're just haggling about price." If you start a relationship by convincing someone to leave her last partner, then you already know what she is. You'll spend the rest of the relationship worrying about price

Ben Newhouse
It's acceptable, just not very smart.  If you do manage to pull someone out of a relationship, he or she may initially appear to be relieved and happy but at some point nostalgia and sadness will kick in and you'll have to deal with the consequences.  For example, such consequences might include your partner going back to his or her original partner.  Speaking from personal experience, it's no fun for anyone involved.
As stated above, [If you start a relationship by convincing someone to leave her last partner, then you already know what she is. You'll spend the rest of the relationship worrying about price], people who snatch are not happy. They are haunted by their own shadows. Why should you be sad or fight? They’ve dug a hole for themselves and they’re surely sinking. Psychologically speaking, when we fight those who snatch people from us, I think it’s a fight against betrayal and not a fight to win the person in particular.
To me, snatching does not exist, it’s a case of people deciding to leave in pursuit of happiness which ultimately, in most cases, ends in sadness. After going through such betrayal, the only person that can make you happy is you. You need to live life to the fullest and upgrade too.
Note, snatching and home wrecking are not the same concept in entirety. Snatching definitely leads to home wrecking but home wrecking does not always have anything to do with snatching. Some people are sad, they want you to be sad too. If you’re doing something that could wreck your home, you had better stop it.


Source: http://nifemiolu..com.ng/2016/02/on-boyfriendgirlfriend-husbandwife.html

@Bold, so so on point!

cococandy:
Are the bad men ever responsible for anything they do?
According to some people If they are not being pushed to cheat, or beat on their significant others, they are being pushed to rape by the temptations of unclad women
Or they are being forced to turn armed robbery by bad govts. It's never their fault.

Something as horrible as ritual killings where innocent humans (including little children) begging and pleading for their lives are butchered and used for sacrifices is now going to be explained away as the fault of people other than those who did it?

Una no dey tire ni.

No 'good' man can be forced into ritual killing.

That's just asinine.

A good man will even be horrified by this thread.
It's like you don't know how serious taking a life in such cold blooded wickedness is. Make light of it by implying that if they didn't have bad women in their lives they wouldn't be doing it.

@Bold,

They are never responsible.... They are babies you cannot think on one hand and supposed leaders on the other.

Woged2005:
Do Some Sistas Force Their Men Into Rituals For Money?
What Forced Me To Write This Post Today?
I could not believe a married woman with kids openly criticized her husband in the public saying “you should be ashamed of yourself that I have been feeding you with another man’s money......”. Chai! This is openly telling your own husband that you've been sleeping with another man who's richer than he is. So what do you expect him to do? Of course he’s going to try and turn his financial situation around at all cost.
Understanding The Financial Psychology of Nigerian Men
I have not been married for too long but with the little experience I have I can tell a Nigerian man feels traumatized when he feels he’s not meeting up to expectation with his peers. African men like to act ‘Able Providers’ to women they are dating /married. Sometime I feel this is what pushes some sistas to be materialistic – because an able Nigerian man will love to spend on his woman to impress her. but each time a once loving, caring, husband /father is caught, I ask why such a once loving, caring, lover/ husband suddenly turned to rituals for money.
The Role Some Ladies Play In Turning Their 'Good' Men To Ritualists
While ladies should not be blamed, sometime we play a role in pushing our once caring partners to the extreme. Some sistas have mouths sharper than razor. They can taunt, berate, criticize, abuse, disrespect and even destroy the self-worth of a man to start thinking about the unthinkable. When you call your husband ‘cursed’, ‘imb*ecile’, ‘st*upid’, good-for-nothing’, ‘Useless’, ‘hopeless’ etc because he has financial set-back, you remind him of the 'fake' love & respect you gave him when he had money and took care of you. Some of us openly flirt, fantasize, even cheat on our partners with men who are richer and more powerful than they are right in their face. When you use a line such as “I need a man who can take care of me” to dump a boyfriend who has been with you for over 3yrs, you basically taunt him to go and get rich at all cost.
My Advice To Sistas:
Please sistas, I know how it is when our friends and schoolmates live big and flash wealth, while we don’t have. However, I’d rather live with a loving man with a modest income but have joy and peace of mind than live with a millionaire who has 3 baby-mamas, 7 mistresses, abusive braggart, roaming around from hotel to hotel with younger women while I hug pillow at night just to share flashy pics of wealth on Facebook. Encourage, inspire and motivate your man when things turn out bad for him financially rather than taunt him. No condition is permanent!
Please it's not a crime not to be a millionaire neither is it a crime not to marry one. Respect yourself, don’t be the next victim of ritual.
Do Some Sistas Force Their Men Into Rituals For Money?

@OP:

Any man who says his woman pushed him into rituals deserved to be butchered.

The men I know have brains to think; if a woman no longer fit into your ideals, let her go.

tearoses:
Turn good men into ritualists? . . more like the man already had badness already within him.

Will a good man cut off a females breasts and dump her on the road like a rag?
Will a good man bury his gf from the neck down for 8 months and feeding her once a week?
Will a good man use his own children for rituals?

No one can be pushed into anything that they don't already want to do.
Please let everyone be responsible for their own actions and not blame anyone else

OP are you saying that men are puppets on a string and have no brains to determine right from wrong?
That alone is an insult to men.

That has always been the message passed in family section, the OP is just building on it.

Well she died a Mrs....

That's all that matters

Next.

This will sure be an interesting tread

playtheblues:
Some of these randy old men are joy killers.
Most of them hardly respect women.
Imagine the way Musa Danjuma has been embarrassing Caroline all over the place. He has brought about two children for her to take care of. He has chains of mistresses who insult Caro daily on instagram.

Girls please marry your mates, they will understand you more. These old folks will so restrict your movements ; they won't even let you have a life anymore and most of them will keep going for under 18 because they feel it makes them young.

Most of their young wives are suffering and smiling.

I thought older men are said to make better husbands?

Like they pamper their wives more etc? Especially the very rich ones?

Didn't this couple claim to be happily married with a video a few months ago?

On aside,

Why do we like extremities here?

It is either a lady is down to earth and not classy (wife material) or she is an olosious fake hair babe that burns N100,000k per night?

No in-between?

Mindfulness:
Your development is very natural.
You were very young when you met your girl, you have grown up, developed, changed and your preferences shifted. In relationships, we either develop in the same direction or we don't.
Before you leave her, try this. Focus only and exclusively on her good qualities for three weeks. Ignore anything that disturbs you and appreciate everything that you like about her.
See what happens.

Very correct

He has grown and the babe is not growing.

Not everyman wants a lady who is content developing domestically alone neither does every man thinks all there is to a wife is cook, clean and cradle.

@Marxxx:

Sit your babe down and tell her what you want from her.. Also give her an ultimatum (best within you so she doesn't fake the change) and if she has not 'transformed' to your taste, let her go.

As much as you both getting married would seem the best deal; marrying her when you feel she is a constant embarrassment is a recipe for a marriage filled with bitterness and hatred. You are even an introverted choleric...

A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage

She would cry for a while if you end the relationship; she might cry forever if you marry her out of duty.

Marriage is just a means to an end.

LewsTherin:
Thanks. And a happy and blessed year to you and yours

Amen

Nkasiobi87:
Hi everyone, after what happened in my husband church on Sunday how he embarrassed me and his worker slapping me. I decided to consult his doctor friend to talk to him ,the only reason he gave the doctor is that the mistress saved his life when he wanted to kill him self because of a woman that died years ago in his church which left him confused then(I traveled with My last child when this incident happen) and the girl telling him not to kill him self is enough that the girl love him and that from that day he swear never to leave that girl nor let the girl feel bad in any situation.

He said that the girl is his life. so for me becoming pregnant is enough to make the girl feel bad so he now tries to defame me and make the girl happy.he suggested that the only solution that will bring peace to my family is me becoming friend with the said girl and serving her.and that I should beg the worker that I have forgiven him if I want him to accept me again.

Now the girl in question here is rude and proud. she insult me anyhow.she laughed at me now that am going through this with my hubby. today she saw me and started laughing that she must make me leave my home with my 5kids.

Now all am asking my self is how can I step so low to the extend of begging my husband mistress just for my husband to love me again. how can I befriend this witch of a girl. How can I worship this girl in my own house all to please my husband. A girl that saved my husband name with Baby m. Will that make me a peace seeker or a fool the more.will a reasonable woman do that?

What do you want?

Olajhidey22:
I love the way you tackled your point!
Exactly what i was driving at..... At times, you tend to keep silent and act like you are happy with the status of the relationship and not wanting to jeopardize things..... In such a scenario, what will be your stand?
Take not, not every lady can take their stand and confront the guy on the question "Define the Relationship"

That answer to that question gave birth to my recommendation in the post.

Hope you get my point friend?

Thank you

The relationship needs to be defined at the very beginning.

You don't wait till you are half way gone with invested emotions before 'asking'

At every point in time, you should be able to answer clearly ..... 'Who is he/she to you'?

You see a thread on a subject matter started on NL and you read posts.

You think of the same situation offline and you hit a brick wall.

It is well.

Hehehehehe!

When you say a mistress/second wife enjoys everything the husband has to offer,

Posters will console married women with 'Don't worry, he is still coming back to you'

Onyeoma.

Even the dead body sef no gree come back.

Olajhidey22:
Thanks noblekel!

I disagree with the article's outlook on the friends' stance.

Not every guy/lady is interested in a feel good relationship to pass time or warm each other's beds.

> If you want a friend with benefits, tell your partner so he/she doesn't invest time in the relationship and later wake up to the fact they were in a relationship with themselves.

> If you are not sure they are what you want, please take a break and clear your head. Don't tag the person along enjoying what they have to offer and at the deciding moment 'realize' they are not what you 'want'

I will even say start by defining the relationship.

Are you interested in friends with benefits/marriage/dating/friends/just feel good partners to enable me make an informed decision?

SAMBARRY:
you're wasting your time with the sermons bukky

I am not preaching dear

I no get time for that.

It was just so hilarious!

lolaed:
Gender roles should be redefined maybe.
Emotional needs weigh more than financial ones and that is why Mothers will always win. Nigerian fathers need not just be providers, they need to invest more into being friends with their Children and being partners in their life journey.
Many mothers I know of today are also working and providing for their families. It does not make the Father's role unique anymore. Let Fathers also change diapers and clean the tears off their children's faces and then see if they won't be accorded similar gratitude.

cococandy:
I don't under appreciate my father.
But I appreciate each one according to their efforts.

Anyway human beings are emotional beings. Male and female. And hence tend to care more about those who bond emotionally with them.

Dear fathers, pls take the time to have that emotional connection with your kids and you'll see your problems of being neglected in old age gradually disappear.

So on point.

Hahahahahahahahaha!

I thought I had read it all.

If a woman is wicked for say 10yrs, is it not to the relief of the husband she is leaving?

Or is the woman wicked because of divorce settlement?

Lols!

And OP:

Not every wife is a stay @ home mom whose only duty is to clean and cook.

SLIDEwaxie:
People like me who cheat in relationships will only cook u a reason as an excuse. Cheating is a mental disorder, it knws no bound. There's no need asking questions: I cheat cos I wanted to. I dnt think I will stop!

And dnt let a cheat promise u he will stop, well, for what is wot, he will want to, but he won't.

The only thing I realise is that, when u dnt want to cheat, you won't. Even if a girl stands stark naked in front of u. But when we want to cheat, we just dnt see the logic in no wanting to.

But there is a clear difference btw a cheat and a fool who has no self-control.

Absolutely on point

This is a very sad tread.

Tied into what I was musing about when I responded to one tread.

Everyone's idea of marriage is very different.

I know someone who told his wife same thing: She should not worry herself becoming slim/fat/or whatever because irrespective of what she does, he WILL always cheat on her. His cheating has no bearing with her attributes or lack of.

They have been married 22yrs now.

May we marry people who has same dreams as we do. (Prayers/ Guidance & Due Diligence)

Lizypumping:
Wow! SO she should stay home. What if shes new, she will be new forever. She doesnt have to do what her sister is doing. Shes not a new comer to the US, jUST NEW in that state period. My friend is even married but her husband is not in the same country. so shes not a small girl. She can choose her own kind of activities not go to saloon or market with her sister

Na was for you o!

You just added Maggi to the soup after it is ready

How does job search work there? Does she have her own cash or is her sister going to raise her everytime she wants to pursue her interests?

Lizypumping:
What about the job shes looking for. CHores isn't the ish here persay

People don't look for jobs on the street na.

She has to apply online first or tell her sister & husband to tell their friends.

The Church she is going to is even sweet sef.

Ha Sis A, you are the younger Sis of Sis B. What do you do?

I am looking for a job o in ABC field. Even have CVs handy.

If it is by roaming about, a lot of people looking for Jobs would have gotten.