₦airaland Forum

Lizypumping:
You dont get it Buka, she needs to also go out! How can a lady or someone stay in the house 24/7, expect for church. Shes new in the area. I am saying the sister should not make the babysitting her job, let her sister take the baby to babysitter she needs to get her own life too.

Go out to where?

You rightly said she is new in the area. Isn't Church an avenue to build relationship s?

When her sister and family is going out, does she not join them?

Doesn't she tag along with her sister to the market, saloon, friend's place etc.?

Lizypumping:
you sound partially correct but the girl is not a maid. shes passing time so her sister can help her get her feet on the ground not just to make things worse for her. Job interview will not jump at her in bed..

Lizypumping,

If you were staying with your parents, would you consider yourself a maid doing chores? Especially when you are @ home?

How does doing chores make things worse for her?

Granted she is searching for jobs however she would apply online (at home) and be shortlisted before thinking of interviews.

Gaborone:
The story isn't about chores, it's about a selfish sister.

I'm sure you're one of those with the belief that any relative living under your roof must either be worked to death, or made to sacrifice their lives and freedom for your 'kindness' in offering them shelter.

@op, all I have to say is, do not lay down your life at your sister's altar. Of course, make compromises by staying home to babysit sometimes, but please, don't forget that that isn't the job you went there to look for. That's what I think.

You can't be sure my friend.

When I visit people, I treat their homes like mine home and do chores.

I am sure if her elder sister was her mother, she wouldn't feel this way.

Lizypumping:
They can help with chores but not sole responsibility. So because she has free housing now she must do chores all the time? How will she get the job and her independent? If she has her chores she can do it when you like. Don'T you do your chores when you like as an adult?

Whose responsibility is it then?

Would I wait for my elder sister and hubby to cook before eating? Must I be told to babysit when they are going out? Must I be told to do their laundry before doing it if we put our used clothes in the same laundry basket? Must I be told to clean before I do?

When you stay with people, you don't do chores when you like but when they like especially if you are not engaged (work/school/sick) etc.

Expect her elder sister is an enemy of progress, she will not stop her from attending a geninue job interview.

Sunnycliff:
21st Century Mothers very indomic. I can't forget my grandmum telling me stories of how she backs my mum to fetch water from a distance of 2km from the stream and comes back and goes to the market. #laziness under the disguise of innovation. Nothing binds a mum and a child more than body contact. QED

21st century fathers very indomic.

I remember grandpa telling us how they trek 11km from one village to another and build hundreds of rigdes.

Today see them posing with white collar job and cars. #laziness under the guise of innovation. Nothing shows a father's wealth more than size of farm.

eigmaticme:
My husband called me today and the conversation went thus

Me: Hey babe,how are you, how is your day going
Him: I am fine love

And we spoke for about 5mins.

I share an office with three other people and when I hung up two of the three said it was wrong and disrespectful to ask my husband "how are you" that I could only ask someone younger that.

I got home and asked the Mr.if he felt offended when I asked him that and his response was he has never given it a thought and its no issue to him. In his words "you should ask me how I am every time you call"

Please let me have your thoughts

You should pick your calls outside the office if possible.

Mamatee07:
its a sad notion that many have that when a relative is staying with you they have to work for their accommodation and food Your sibling o, you mean you can't take care of your sibling for free Of course she should help out with the kids and home but not as payment for accommodation or food rather because she loves her sister and obviously would want to help out. How ever the sister should never take advantage of that, the girl is there to look for a job and get her life on track so she can move out. How will she do that when she's been turned to full time nanny. If she's not careful she'll still be in that house doing nanny in years to come and the same sister will be first to want her out once her kids no longer need baby siting, humans are selfish

If she's not free enough to let her sister know the issue without offending her she should ask their Mum to have a diplomatic conversation with her. The Mum can just say she's noticed she's not getting anywhere with finding a job so the sister should please encourage her to go out and job hunt.

If the sibling was with her parents, would she not do chores?

I also find it strange that people expect not to do chores when they go stay with a family.

katyamizotta:
I will be celebrating my fourth year wedding anniversary in Febuary. I will be entertaining and giving testimoniees when in actual fact im highly dissatisfied and unhappy.
Sex; almost three years im still waiting to have an orgasm. I began pretending to have one because i couldnt bear the pain (married as a virgin, months after losing it, i was still experiencing pain). Ive being giving oral since we got married. Recently i discovered women can also enjoy it. I told him about it and suddenly he remembers all the diseases that can be passed orally.
Chores: i feel like a senior househelp. DH (dear husband) will complain abt untidy state of the house but will not help out (i work in a bank, 7am - 8pm) get home at 9pm. I'll come home from work, do homework for my daughter, serve husband meal (he wont eat except he is served) do outstanding chores. Sleep at 12am - 4.40am
Kids; I feed, bathe, clothe, train. He has never bathed our 2yr old ever, even when i was ill. I had to take the child to work severally as he cant babysit for long. He works from home but goes out thrice a week for project supervision
Criticism; its killing me. Im crticised abt everything. My looks (im pretty im told, my dad is Lebanese\Austrian, mum is igbo) but i dont makeup. Im criticised for that, for not being a good cook (im learning) for not keeping a tidy home (with my job?) For not entertaining his friends with food and drinks (im exhausted), for not liking his particular place of worship (i dont mind another branch, the present head makes the talks boring, for not being a fashionista.
I dont feel loved. I feel like a trophy wife.
The good side is he is generous. I get a car, change of wardobe, a vacation each year. These dont move me. I want to be heard. Ive tried to talk to him severally but he makes me seem ungrateful. Ive talked to his sisters and our head in the place of worship and when he was invited he denied it, didnt talk to me for three days and made me apologise for disrespecting him.
I want to be heard. Am i asking for too much?

@montezz: Thanks for the mention. My moniker was spelt wrong though.

@OP:

Happy four years anniversary in advance.

I will say your husband is a traditional man and has traditional views about marriage.

He sees himself in charge of finance and will do everything within his means to provide hence the vacation, cars, clothes and generosity.

He sees you in charge of domestics and therefore expects you to keep a sparkling home with hot sweet dinner daily whether you work 6am to 6pm or not. I do not see such giving a wife oral we.x. Also being heard is really not a characteristic of a traditional wife.

Unfortunately, you sound like someone who was expecting a 'modern' husband.

The good thing is that he is open to you outsourcing some part of the chores & you working.... Use that to your utmost advantage.

First forget the idea of who a husband should be and work with the husband you have.

Get a live in help if possible as that will drastically reduce your workload. She/ he can start prepping the dinner and you take over when it is almost ready.

Re entertaining his friends: Stock the house with drinks so they are readily available. I know someone who would have the maid dish the drinks and food (necessary) while she prepares and when she is done, enter the kitchen and serve the guests.

Re sex: Having a better relationship with him would really improve your sex life. And he might never go down on you. If you want to continue going down on him fine; if you don't, want to, fine.

Re looks: Except God told you not to wear makeup, a little here and there wouldn't hurt. You can also tell him to buy your clothes to have an idea of what he likes.

You don't like his place of worship or you don't go to his place of worship? If it is not liking it, communicate your dislike to someone else.

It is well with you.

P.S.:
Read THE TOTAL WOMAN by Marilyn/Marabel Morgan.

@Excuseme:

Very good points especially your first point.

You cannot force an unwilling partner to stay with you.

malawi14:
Presently my fiancee is wit me,yet this same family r making her life worthless,she jst left the villa to enugu to get sometins,witout informing the father,but the mum and grand parents were well informed,all because she did nt inform the dad.......wahala stated jst 3 days after leaving abia for enugu,dis lady am talking abt is a graduate nd 22 yrs of age,who I feel can make r own decisions nd stand by it,but behold she is still been tossed around by her dad!she left for enugu nd al because she did nt inform d dad,d dad called dat same sister of his to call her nd stat asking were she is and wen she is going back,nd dat she is causing problems btw the mum nd r dad,issues on issues..........sometimes I get so frustrated to let everyting go,bt I feel is nt possible cos I have a life in this same woman,a lady I can't breath witout,love nd hapiness is the only thing holding me down for all the bullshits she is facing in her family.

Your in-laws surely have issues but her father is very correct to be angry that his daughter living with him leaves Abia for Enugu without his knowledge.

How would you feel if she doesn't inform you she is going to Lagos tomorrow (even though she informed all the neighbors and your pastor)?

How would you feel if your 22yr old daughter leaves the house for 3 days without informing you?

Bros, I think you need to put aside whatever grievance you have against your in-laws and look deeper. Also involve your parents/ elder ones.

MadCow1:
O.P; I would advice you but I don't think you would like what I have to say.

Please do

What if that's the way forward for him?

jashar:

Colin the Chronic bachelor. Ride on jare.... the Apostle Paul of our generation.
But you should be propagating the gospel of Christ not singleness abi is it singlehood that it's called.

Paul spent his life preaching the gospel of Christ, you should do the same since you're sure marriage ain't for you.

The Lord's peace.

One more thing, I read somewhere where you wrote you're following what makes you happy. Isn't that selfish?
I also read where you said you're a Christian. Shouldn't you follow what makes God happy?
May God have His way in us irrespective of whether or not we are happy.

That's the Gospel.

Lols

Are you in my mind?

ColinAdua:
I don't taste anymore for about eight years now, because Christ has taken over my heart, but I read and hear stories.

You can be the Paul of our generation.

LewsTherin:
I'm not going to go into what this post says about you as my therapist has asked me to make this week my happy week. That is a matter for another day. For many other days actually.

We are looking for a solution here. Shame is a function of what is important to a person. It is a function of a person's values. So an adjustment in your values, in your outlook can help with that. You canteach yourself to judge a person's worth by what he does. For example, when you see any man immediately ask yourself what sort of a family man he is. Since your husband seems to be a great guy, his behaviours will begin to mean more to you over time than his looks.

You could also try to make him appear the best possible. For a man to be judged ugly by everyone, he must be stupendously ugly! Cos no matter how unpretty a man looks, if he dresses excellently with great accessories, few people look at his ...err looks. So spend time tushing him up every morning. Select great clothes and combinations for him in the mornings. Lovingly help him prepare for the day. Cordinate your outfits with his. One, he will look better and less ugly and two, you will grow to love him more.

But then if you are shallow enough to have gotten married out of desperation at THIRTY TWO for crying out loud, and are so concerned about what OTHER PEOPLE say that you are ashamed of a man you KNOW to be a good husband, then I don't know if this will help you.

There I went and did it again. My therapist will have a field day with me tomorrow. Sigh.

@bold: so on point

Happy new year

tearoses:
It seems that she is the one keen on getting married to you and you kind of see it as if you are doing her a favour
Thats how I feel it sha, I may be wrong
My advise . . . . dont rush anything
something tells me that she may not be the one and you may not be the one.
If I had suffered a miscarriage and my fiance hasn't dropped everything to be by my side, but is going on about cancelling the wedding for now instead, I will think twice and thrice about the real state of our relationship.

@Bold:

I wish the poor girl is here to read this.

The girl miscarried and still she is the one coming to visit?

Oma se o!

tearoses:
Nothing
no one to report him too. Even if she does report him, he is not in Nigeria to heed to anyone's calls.
There was no real close relationship that she can even remind him of
When the kids start going I wonder what will happen to her
I feel for her
She didn't get much out of this arrangement at all.

Very very sad.

tearoses:
The truth is that there is more to life than making money
Personally I don't see the point of having a family if you wont see them for more than a few weeks every few years
If the parent is dead, then that's a different thing.

The bitter thruth is that if you are travelling on a 6 months visiting visa with an aim to hustle, then you are on a long thing and you and your family must be prepared not to see each other for a long long time.

The problem is that People don't do their homework properly and just because John who travelled last year, sent a jeep home in 8 months and sent for his wife 2 months later they think Yes, they can do the same. Yet they don't know Johns circumstances.

Some people also don't look at the long term picture. All they think of is £ and $ and how to gleefully say "my husband is in the US" which to me is ridiculous if all you are getting from the marriage is Western Union payments every month while you are left lonely and being the husband and wife and mother and father to young kids. Is that what you signed up for?
The whole reasons why you got married; commitment, companionship, friendship, intimacy etc is not being fulfilled and All you are getting is money.


Many of these men have second lives abroad so they are enjoying the best of all worlds while the woman is struggling.

basically if you both don't sit down and have a plan and do your homework very well and gather enough information so you are making informed choices, [b]you may end up like one woman I know whose husband went abroad and to survive he went and married oyibo for papers, he comes home once every 2 years for a few weeks to get her pregnant then goes back and was always promising to come and get her.
She now has 4 kids.
Recently he doesn't even stay in his house when he comes. He claims the house is dirty and wife cant cook. says wife looks tired and unattractive (why wont she look older than her years when she is running around looking after his kids? Why wont the house be dirty? is he there to replace and do any maintenance on the house?
Anyway now he stays in hotels and with friends when he visits and doesn't go home.
Eventually says he is no longer interested in the woman but he said he wants to take his children with him abroad
Of course the children are on their dads side as they too want to travel
The wife is now left with absolutely NOTHING
she was better off marrying a struggling Nigerian who by now would have probably made it right there in Nigeria.

All that glitters is not gold.[/b]

What happened to her in the end?

cococandy:
Get him a personal man servant or two.
One will always follow him around to catch his flying socks and pants whenever he's about to dump them on the floor, hand him his belt and tie when he's dressing. Better still even dress or maybe scrub his body when he's taking a bath.
The other will wait on him while he's eating and do miscellaneous stuff like pick his teeth or clear the table for him etc. of course all paid for by him since he's a mighty provider. Rolls eye.

After enabling him to be lazy you're here asking what to do.
The same way you refused to add washing cars to your duties is the same way you can refuse adding his dress up routine to your early morning hustle while you're taking care of the kids. It's not rocket science.

byvan03:
Please if you acted super woman from the beginning, better continue or employ help.

PresVA:
You were married as a maid .. didn't you form 'superwoman' while you were dating? So why complaining now? You probably knew all these before you said I do..
Ok seriously, it's pathetic .. Some men actually see their wives as maids...Imagine washing cars too ...
I suggest you do only stuffs you can, chores can never finish so take it one at a go starting from d most important, you can also talk to your husband concerning some of his attitudes. .. if you can't handle any chore, explain to him why. . Don't stress yourself to death; your kids need you please. . You can also hire a maid..
Harsh solutions won't work cos you're probably financially dependent on him...just take it easy...

SO OP,

In line with the three posters above,

Why are you complaining now? What changed?

TV01:
Misogynist - a man who does not do exactly what a woman wants, when she wants, and how she wants . Whether he has changed or not, if it doesn't please you it's simply wrong on his part. You are in a shitty & abusive marriage. See Cococandy and Bukatyne for next steps.


I have summoned them for you. You are welcome .


TV

^{Dude, why'd you change sex}

Old man,

This is a new year.

byvan03:
Yes nah, there are situations you don't use "please ". You can't reason with someone that has already checked out completely. It's better to save what is left of your ego and let go.

It is well

This lover boy!

Na so e dey act for film

Good one

SisiJinx:
Thank you ooooh!

Same here with the daddy thingy. I have 4 brothers and none of them have any qualms about going to the kitchen and cooking because they know it has nothing to do with their manhood. My fondest memory of my dad's cooking was his too sugary yams, I tell ya. . . after each fork, you gotta run to the bathroom because Jedijedi and We also had house helps oooh.

In my opinion, it is the insecure ones who feel like every little thing makes then less of a man, it is the insecure ones who feel the need to exert this yeye man law. It's would be so funny if it weren't extremely sad but you know what is sadder still? It seems like the present generation are a tad worse than our fathers. I mean what happened. . . was it something in the water? How did we get stuck with a generation of insecure pansies?




[b]Good Points!

Personally, I've always had a problem with these said financial responsibilities that customarily fall on my men. I think anyone who accepts these and the demands equal egaliwhachumacallit is talking out of both sides of her mouth.

My idea of partnership is not that we both sit down and say I will sweep from the living room to the landing and then you take it from there until you get to the kitchen. No, my idea of partnership is when one person sees somethings needs to be done and does it.  I see your laundry piling up. . . I do it. You see dishes in the sink, you do it. You wake up first, get the children ready for school. I finish work early, I pick 'em up. You see my engine lights are on, you stop at the mechanics, I notice your car is dirty. . . I stop at the car wash. (keeping my examples are basic as possible)

I guess stripped down to the very core, my idea of partnership is really doing things for each other without putting much thought into it. . . having to weigh it "Oh is this a woman or a man's job?"

Is this too much to ask [/b] ??!! 

@bold:

Perfect.

debosky:
Many people already have 'egalitarian' marriages. (I wonder the need for big grammar anyways )

What about the financial responsibilities that 'customarily' fall on men? Does your egalitarian union involve that as well?

Couples should have these discussions before getting into marriage and resolve them as much as possible before signing the dotted line.

Any reasonable man who knows his wife works as much (if not harder) than he does would do everything in his power to lighten her load, and vice-versa.

This is not about being 50-50. While partners may be 'equal' (i.e holding equal rights and benefits in the relationship) they are not equally endowed or skilled. One or the other will have a greater capacity for some tasks than the other.

As long as they come to an acceptable balance, whether 70-30 or 60-40 or 80-20, then that is the key.

There are women who will feel insulted if the man decides to start cooking and see it as an affront to their culinary skills. Will the man now in the name of '50-50' insist on subjecting her to his atrocious cooking? No.

Almost a decade later, however I love this post

byvan03:
Let her give him what he wants, she can't continue begging to be loved.

Abi?

Before we hear husband kills wife

Even the Bible says if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave, let them leave.

Strange but True.

byvan03:
Exactly, that's why I really doubt the intelligence of men that fall for " women always forgive blah blah ". They clap back and face front, marriage continues.

Which one be clapping again?

babygirlfl:
We love drama. Lol

Real drama

How are you and family?

In laws sha...

kennyman2000:
Bro, you're the cause. Trust me, she'll never change. She's one of those over-religious woman. You ought to have let her made an amend while you're courting. Trust me, most of all what you guys discusses at home are been discussed with the pastor by her. You're just opportuned for her to voice out that of the egg biz aspect. Trust me, most of the decisions your wife has been taken must have been influenced by her pastor. Sit down and take your time to see if she's ever taken a decision easily on her own. Had a girl like that sometimes ago, told me she'll have to inform her pastor and alsotake me to her pastor before she can grant me a friendship. When she and her pastor study me very well. She'll now give me a yes for the relationshipn even if you promise this gal money, she'll have to inform her pastor before she collects it from you. I studied her life and I told her one day that, she should try and study herself very well. If she's ever made any progress for herself in all the decisions her pastor is making for her. She told me to go to hell. I told her, she'll one day come to regret all these are over dependants on her pastor in taking decisions somedays. If it didnt happen, she should Call me a bastard. Thats the last time we ever heard from eachother. I was just in my house one day watching movie when i got a call from her. She's begging that she wants to see me, i simply told her to go to hell.

She later called and begged seriously. I told her, i dont have time. I fixed our meeting for next year march! Yes, next year march. She said, she'ld wait. No time my bro and sisters.

Op, on the other hand, i quite understand your wife. We yoruba's believe that all every occupations one can venture into. There's a particular occupation destined for each person which someone will be successful in. Your wife belongs to that school of thought hence her seeing her pastor to know if that biz is destined for her or not as she doesnt want to waste your money or dont want you to see her as a failure.

Now, here's what u'll do. Have a heart to heart talk with her. Let her know you understand her. But, thats old age. We're now in digital age that requires perfect biz management strategy and the biz will be a success. Tell her, she doesnt need to meet any pastor, that you believe, the biz will be a success with your own advisory and follow up support on the biz. Tell her, its not the pastor's money she wants to waste even if the biz failed which wont failed. Let her know that everything in life is a risk. If she doesnt take that risk, she wont have a success story. Let her know that, you want her to do away with the biz failure fear but the zeal, passions and know how on how to succeed in the biz amidst all challenges.

Lastly, tell her, you want to see her somedays discussing her biz success stories with your children.

Bro, dont forget. One of the most important factors to put into consideration in setting the biz is LOCATION. Pls, dont rush. Take your time to get the ideal location. Take your time to as well google more info about the biz and the success planning strategy for the biz. All the best sir.

Beautiful

This poster captured it well

byvan03:
Even has the guts to complain that the man that has harboured him rent free is jobless. I can't believe he expects to eat free food and live in a free house but can't wash plates used by his older inlaw. Pride is his problem.

I guess different strokes for different folks...

Must he be told to do the dishes before doing them? Abi which mouth would he use to eat the food his BIL cooked and expect the BIL to wash the plates...

Elder BIL?

Na wa

I hope he doesn't ruin his sister's marriage.

byvan03:
Who are you expecting to do the dishes? You Are the youngest so you have to do it or move out.

Honestly, I do not get it

Must the OP be told to do chores before doing them? Even if he was contributing to the finances?

The sister better sends him away before he causes a friction between herself and hubby.

AfroKnight:
Bro, I know you are a follower of Jesus. He said we should love others. Are you saying he wasted his words by asking us to love our neighbor?

All human love is conditional; even between husband and wife. We earn it. Step out of line and that love will wane. That is the true value of love. Accept it and reciprocate.

Remember, love costs the lover.

On point