₦airaland Forum

dein77:
I have been keenly watching from the sidelines, and have read arguments and counter-arguments. I cant give an answer that will be acceptable to both sides. All I can say is that, from my experience as a married man, the more LOVE I show to my wife, the more SUBMISSIVE she becomes.

First welcome to the thread

@bolded: You better not shout O! Even Jesus who created us had to leave his glory, live like a servant, die for our sins in the most painful manner, bear the anguish of been forsaken by God and bear forever the scars of saving us before he demanded we submit to Him as Christians.

I would like to hear some of your opinions on the subject matter too.

God bless your marriage real good

Nashville:
First of all a few disclaimers; the aim of this thread is not to justify cheating or encourage violence. Cheating is a choice that people make and cannot be justified in any way. Ok, so back to the thread.

I have noticed a new trend on Nairaland, such that, if a married man is cheating; the wife is advised not to bother with the mistress but to face her husband as he is the only one she has business with. When some wives say they plan to confront their husband’s mistress, the general advice is that she has no business with the mistress.

I agree to an extent; but I think sometimes some of these mistresses need to be taught a lesson. The two (man and mistress) people are cheating and both the husband and the mistress should be taught a lesson if possible. There is a lot at stake in marriage especially if you have put in a lot into it.

You can imagine a woman who married her husband when he had nothing. And together they worked hard and she even made personal sacrifices so that they can have a good life. The family finally starts living well; house(s), cars, kids in good schools, then some silly chic somewhere starts giving the husband all the greenlight. For some of these young girls, once they see a successful man; they just begin to flirt. So, in my opinion, the wife should not just sit down there are watch her husband misbehave with these Jezebels; she should fight for her marriage and if need be, give that stupid chic a few slaps. Then she can go home and confront her husband as she deems fit. Some of these young chics are just home breakers who want to reap where they did not sow, and I support wives who want to teach them a lesson. While we should all condemn married men that cheat, we should also strongly condemn young chics that date married men.

Please this is not meant to encourage cheating or violence but sometimes we have to fight for what we believe in. Abi how una see am?

@Bolded: LOL!

I am of the school that the wife has no business with the mistress because she did not promise to be faithful to the wifey and if the husband is an 'animasahun', how many mistresses will wifey beat up? What if the mistress has more influence and does something horrible to her and their kids (if any)?

However, if a girl is chasing a married man who is not interested and the wifey gets to find out, the wife can warn the mistress to leave her husband alone.

Some husbands are c.razy and will send their wives parking/deal with her for harassing the mistress. I know of a story; hubby had a mistress and wifey went to beat the mistress up and tear her clothes in her school. Mistress tells hubby and they both plan to send the wife away. The mistress said she just wanted to eat 'small' out of the man but as wifey disgraced her, she must have the man all to her self and she succeeded. As at when I saw them, the mistress now wife was having the second child. (That was about 6yrs ago and I think they are still together).

Honestly, married men and women should just put it in their pants

voodoo85:
Very rare ppl achieved money am getting at my age. Am planning to stay with kid for few years and than send to nursary. My husband says he would want to do paternaty leave as well

Maám,

Some people earning real good in my organization are my age mates Some GMs are in their late 30s

Ok, why do you think you cannot do same at a younger age? Not saying you are old but your reservation about younger people getting married.

At the end, whatever works for us as individuals.

beeevan:
You are very on point, Jenny style no fall into marriage category at all, nah just unfortunate incident that nudged her to her destiny. I totally agree with you because am yet to see what the single ones are building that the married ones are not building too. Tell me that you haven't found the right one or have no interest in marriage at all and i will understand but telling me you are single because you are building heaven on earth, I will simply .

LOL @ building

voodoo85:
What if its jst u and your husband ? No grannies no sisters etc. U would leave your 1 year old to stranger? I doubt that

It can happen to me when I am 23 or 33/43 so I prefer juggling it all and running about in my 20s than later.

voodoo85:
Well am not pregnant yet am i? So am working as normal. 28 to marry i consider is perfect age.

Ok, though some people achieved at 24 what you achieved/achieving now at 28

You are married now at 28; do you want to defer childbearing or intend to stop working when you want to start having kids?

Hi pickabeau1,

What issues did you want us to discuss?

voodoo85:
I did travel i did study and working a gud job and married. Next year planning a baby. And am not 40 or 30. And now i can afford kid's private schools and everything else kid needs, without thinking how to meet the ends. And my kid now will get all my attention becauae i will not be juggling between home, academics and work like insane squirrel.

You are not serious at all

You did not marry late and you are encouraging others to do so. Besides not everyone will have much even if they work for 10yrs before getting married.

Did you stop working or are you now working from home?

voodoo85:
I would like to hear how exactly nigerian governent is helping young families? Maternity leave length, pay per child etc.

And how does Nigerian Government help singles?

How many singles do you know at the top of their career or even a notable personality in their fields?

Most singles are not building anything! Resources, not meeting the 'right' person or not interested in marriage is more like it.

I can get relations, sisters, brothers or neighbors to help me watch my kids while I go about my work/schooling/business if I am not inclined to nannies or registering them in a crèche.

YourCoffin:
Same way women naturally want to live in well-built homes but would prefer not to lift a finger when building it. Some systems aren't built for certain activities.

Bukatyne, my aim isn't to make excuses for men. I'm only stating how their system works. If I can be able to cook my meal myself, believe me I'm hundred times better off. My mum made sure of that but somehow my nature doesn't allow it.

You can't say for 'all' men

A papa like me

That girl will stick to gowns and pink till she is 18

What is a 10yr old doing with a phone, internet and facebook.

The father should keep the training up.

It is well

beeevan:
Don't married people study, work at jobs, travel and still cuddle their husbands and kids at night after a hard days job or are you telling us that the one that goes back to an empty house is better off. If you wish to travel and study for the better half of your youthful life, what makes you think is wrong for another to intend to study, travel and still multiply as you termed it?

There is no right or wrong, it's whatever rocks ones boat. The Europe you mentioned, aren't there women and men under 25 who are married there? Some chose to settle down when there is a large pool of potential spouse to select from not when they are withering. Some are juggling all balls academics, job and marriage at once. Waiting till 35 to marry doesn't necessarily mean your money must have grown like grass by then. One size can never fit all, chose the route that suit you most and let others do the same.You can only criticize after you have spent your youthful years traveling, studying, dreaming, working and still landed the man of your dreams in your 40s while having your dream number of kids without assisted reproduction .

beevan ti binu

I agree with you that one can juggle it all (apart from our little disagreement of school or no school ). However, I would rather do Omotola's than Genny's style agewise.

If one plans well you have more time building a career or whatever after kids if you marry early than building first and marrying later.

Besides, most people still single (ladies and guys) did not set out to marry late and are not really building anything. Most of the top people career & enterpreneur wise in Nigeria today are actually married/divorced with kids.

In Nigeria, we have it easier support systemwise and no serious minded person would say marriage is a show stopper.

We all want different things in life

deols:
30 is fine

Longest time

Where have you been?

LaRoyalHighness:
Married at 25 and 27 done with childbirth... Time for masters and PHD... *no regrets.

Sweet

@OP: 24, married 25+

thorpido:
Lagos state civil servants are to be granted 10days paternity leave.
Paternity leave is welcome if it will be used for baby care.

The wife should request for it.

It will be a disaster if wifey has to care for small baby & big baby

@Bellong:

Happy Birthday to you

God be with you, grant all your heart desires and keep your home.

God bless October babies


P.S.: Hope the party was fun

EfemenaXY:
Precisely.

It's now up to her to air her views now and see if they can both work towards an amicable solution. Now is the time for her to make her voice heard loud and clear. Pre-marriage and not post-marriage.

Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead with such a man. Your "better" half should help you reach for the stars, and not smother you before you've even started.

Her choice though.

Don't be surprised that she will marry him and 3yrs later start crying that her hubby does not want her to work

beeevan:
My boys must be thoroughly domesticated, i have no plans of doing chores for long.

LOL!

Investing now to reap the benefits tomorrow

@OP: A lot of guys were taught but they atill feel it is demeaning to do chores and dump it at the slightest chance or wait still they get married.

If bomboy never saw daddy doing chores, no amount of training will make him do it in future except if he decides to change

YourCoffin:
Men will always be men. If you like teach them till thy kingdom come, it will come a time when he would dump all those stuff and start frequenting restaurants. House chores and cooking are really tiring for most men. When I mean tiring, I mean tiring.

For instance, my mum trained me quite well in that aspect. I can cook virtually everything. But right now I only boil noodles and I'm good to go. No time for all those pounding and turning of pots. Very few men retain their cooking skills as they grow because naturally they would prefer not to cook, especially ones that require time and extra care. They are just not that organized and focused as women and therefore cooking is really a hardwork for them.

If you have to force your boys to learn to cook, prepare to buy countless pots and make sure you have a fire extinguisher ready somewhere.

And you think chores are not tiring for women too?

Gerrard59:
^^^
Once again your hypocrisy shows in broad daylight.

The same men who today are praising and shouting yes, yes, will tomorrow refuse to adhere to the simple fact that women should be given their equal rights and opportunities.

"We want Assets and not liabilities"
And when the woman ask for her equal opportunities and rights, we will hear
"Men have the sole responsibility to provide and a man is the head of the family".

Is this not the same Nairaland that we read of how a man wants the wife to resign her job and career , because he wants her to take care of the children. As if taking care of kids is solely a responsibility of a woman.

Most Nigerian men are synonymous with hypocrisy.

LOL @ bolded:

I will be kind and strike the men out

Most Nigerians men are synonymous with hypocrisy

nicechic:
Ladies in the house. What will be your reaction if ur fiance' doesn't want you to secure a gov't job when he marries you?
Well,he feels he has all it takes to take care of u and d kids, and wit the flimzy excuse that men will be disturbing u at ur place of work.
He rather prefers to plant you in a shop or supermarket, after all the stress of studying hard to pass in the university. Thereby rendering ur certificate useless.

Ladies, would you go ahead with the engagement? And guys....what's ur take on it?

The man has clearly stated what he wants/ his vision. It is either the woman takes it or leave it.

She should be happy the man made his intentions known before marriage

benedictac:
I know that is y u need patience and d grace of God. For some of us who don't experience I give God the glory, but for those experiencing it, may God see them thru

I would rather everyone does not experience it.

benedictac:
so what would u advice? divorce? separation?

Hmmm...

This is dicey

It depends on the couple. If Girl A knows that boy B is a cheat ('probably' snatched him from Girl C) and she starts crying foul after marriage, I will not pay her any attention... As you lay your bed, you lie on it.

If the cheating with no prior signs started after marriage, it depends on the woman and circumstance in kwestion;

My type will just separate (I honestly do not have the strength/time for a divorce) after the second time of cheating. I will 'forgive' the first time (even though the marriage is over to me) and try to know why. If i have been starving him (which is not a reason however, he is human), I will adjust to make him change.

A woman who believes men are 'weak' and must cheat can decide to fight all her husband's girlfriends or wear red pants & bra

I neither condone nor excuse cheating however, i read of a man whose wife was a cold potato leading him outside. The man actually went to the counselor because he was always feeling guilty, repent, stay off sex (masturbate) and fall again when he can't cope. According to him, he had tried all he could to make the wife enjoy love making with success. Such a man would stop (his claim) when his wife becomes warm. This seems to be an exception and the wife actually repenting can make the man change.

benedictac:
I will never suffer in my marriage coz mine is built on the solid rock that can never be moved. You won't understand.

Funny enough my marriage is 6years and some months. I have never had any reason to doubt my husband. Our family account is in my name and I am the sole signatory he only has the alert. Can u do that? I know u can't coz u feel u're wise.

We are still trusting God for the fruit of the womb, but u know what? My 12yrs old son stays with us and bears his name. Everyone calls him my son's name. And he loves the boy as if is his. You see I could never had gotten a better gift after my salvation from God. I know u can never understand becoz u don't have such heart.

I've paid a big sacrifice in my marriage that my friends, families, in-laws and people like u think I charmed him.

you must pay a price for anything u desire. be it good or bad.

let me stop here for now. Smiles

I like your post and that is how it should be normally BUT I would never advice sweet sweet for a cheating/abusive spouse.

It is very easy to sacrifice and make the home beautiful if it already so or if both parties are willing to make it work. You will agree with me that you will bend and be more accepting to a loving/non cheating hubby than a cheating one and vice versa.

God be with you

Cutehector4u:
And it goes like this, curiosity killed the cat... Madam private investigator..kudos.. If u like, take ur hand and spoil ur marriage by urself...

Hmmm

FrancisTony:
Now, some men will be screaming, 'God bless you OP'.

When female folks scream gender equality, you'll see bunch of misogynists.

Hypocrisy of men.

LOL!

Gorgeous58:
Strive to be the kind of woman who, when your man hits rock bottom, when his business fails or he is retrenched from his job, can carry the family through. You must be able to provide what he otherwise would. This thing of women who sit doing nothing, and when a man goes through a difficult period, cannot come through for him, or at least even help him make a plan, is not on.

Let us start hustling with our men. We must stop being liabilities when we have what it takes to be assets.

Ladies, what's your take on this?

@OP:

There is no one size fits all and I am learning to be more open minded.

In some homes, the mqn loves, craves and yearns to be the sole provider. His dignity and respect is tied to that and cannot be compromised. The lesser the wife earns, the more his control over the family/wife

In some, the wife ties her respect for her hubby to money which will fly out of the window once she outearns him or he loses his source of income.

The fact is that not all men like financially empowered wives and not all women will contribute their quota to the finance of the home even if they outearn him.

We have also read/heard stories of men who force their wives to resign or women who find it difficult to juggle home & work.

Also, a lot of women earn money or are trying to. Earning power is already done: it is for women to change from my money is my money &his money is our money to our money is our money and for men to stop tying earning power to leadership.

It is well

crackhaus:
You must have thought I was going to deny ever sending you a mail...heck, that's just disappointing.

Now what's even more disappointing and shameful is the idea that you'd want to make it seem like I've been sending mails in the dozens to you...Lmao, like seriously Carefree?

As far as my business with you on NL goes, ONLY 3 empty mails have been sent from my person to you, all of which were spaced many weeks apart...you replied none, and I even commented on one of these instances to you on a thread for all to see - I got nothing to hide.

As for alluding to your posts, darling I did it once, and not on almost every thread.
I really do not want to believe you're losing it.

So now, do you know that ELLYsian sounds a lot like you or not? Just a question...

Carefreewannabe & crackhaus please stop

There is nothing wrong in sending PMs and whatever you both discussed when you were friendly should not be made public

You both will feel bad if you get to read these posts in future

carefreewannabe:
And I think it is inappropriate to wear high heels on journeys, to work and even to church but it is not my business that women decide to damage their spines to look s*exy.

I agree but it is not indecent which the OP is focusing on

Some things we do fashionwise are inappropriate but no way offensive to morals.

5minsmadness:
It was exceedingly stretchy and exceedingly revealing.
But trust Nairaland to turn everything upsidedown.

Sorry, pele, biko...

But again

Nashville:
The bible says a foolish woman destroys her own home with her own hands.

LOL! Sent you a PM

@OP: I think you should be very happy your husband is grabbing & touching

If you are not turned on during some of his grabbing sessions, tell him to take it slow/ engage in a lot of pre-intimacy before penetrating.

Keep enjoying his grabbing o! and also grab sometimes so you are not always at the receiving end without giving

It makes love circulate and you really can't keep grudges in such an atomsphere

Enjoy your home

beeevan:
Exactly what I hope not to read .

We won't