₦airaland Forum

100% agree with Nashville!

spyder880, I have to say that the example of the lazy man offering up his daughter etc because of money is a very poor one. There will always be lazy men and no one is trying to defend them here. A good number of men whose wives contribute financially are in no way like your cobbler example.

A better example is that of Barrack Obama who has openly confessed that for a while it was his wife, Michelle, that was carrying the family financially. Eventually, he had successful books, was a successful senator, you know the rest of the story.

For those that are suggesting that such men aren't "real men", if the most powerful man in the world was not a real man then God help the rest of us.

There's actually a very sexist message from those who don't believe a woman should contribute financially to her family. It leads to a much wider question of whether they believe that women should be as educated as a men, have equal access to careers like men, or earn as much as men.

Man or woman, once you get married, your family becomes the most important thing in your world. Why would anyone not want to channel the economic resources they have towards their own family?

If your wife says its because of tradition, then you need to explain to her that tradition is a function of time. Each generation needs to adapt and do what works for them. Back in the day, women didn't have as much access to the workforce as they do today, so it was understandable for the man to carry all the responsibilities.

Today, your wife is doing a masters degree and should therefore be a good earner. What exactly is she going to do with all those earnings?

The flipside of this is that men also need to adapt and become more domestic than they used to be. In addition, the Nigerian legal system needs to step up in sharing family assets more equitably in the unfortunate event of death/divorce, otherwise many women will be tempted to hold back their money.

Make una no count the one where you just did stopover at the airport o!

I think I have an above average travel count, but still got some way to go. Here's my list:

Nigeria (born and bred)
UK
Italy
Switzerland
USA
Canada
France
Germany
Netherlands
Belgium
Sweden
Australia
Singapore
Barbados
Zimbabwe

So 15 countries, many of them because of my job. If I count airport stopovers, then 18 (South Africa, Kenya, Hong Kong)

BTW, I'm category 10 - Kingdom Husband!

While I'm sure this was written to be a source of encouragement to both men and women, I find that it is wide off the mark.

Firstly, I'm never impressed whenever I see the term "real men" or "real women" for that matter, being used. I understand it is used metaphorically, but it is very condescending, and the people that use it mean for it to be condescending.

Now on to my main gripe, the article has listed 10 types of husbands, only 1 of which is good! This must be very discouraging to women and is certainly very denigrating to men.

I always think that teachings to single people should focus on four quadrants:
- For the woman: (1) how to be a good woman/(2) how to identify a good man
- For the man: (3) how to be a good man/ (4) how to identify a good woman

Without the right focus on each of these quadrants, we will continue to have many women (some of whom have not learnt how to be good women) chasing after a few good men and vice versa (although not in the same proportion).

Don't get me wrong, I have witnessed all four quadrants beng taught, but what I getting at is that the focus is overwhelmingly on quadrant (2) and to a lesser extent, on quadrant (4).

We can't keep teaching women how to find a good man without focussing on the production line of those good men and vice versa. It's leaving too many people searching in vain!

pak: The point I kept stressing is that to call Coxson a criminal (and call for his head ) based only on the evidence at our disposal that he 'raised an alarm' when he was approached in the middle of the night (or early in the morning as some other respondent put it) by some gun wielding boys without knowledge of the prior relationship between him and the boys and what he did in the aftermath of raising the alarm or if he was even there afterwards is a bit forward and a form of jungle justice in itself

I understand what you are trying to say. From a legal perspective, Coxson might have a defence. Clearly emotions are running high, otherwise we would all be able to discuss this thing rationally.

Apart from the people that were clearly seen in the video, I believe that the "innocent until proven guilty" mantra needs to apply. It will go a long way in sanitising our society.

However, this is what I think. After the alarm was raised (false or real), there were 5 to 6 hours during which the full story could be ascertained, and Coxson was unwilling (or unable - which is unlikely) to help get the story out. It is also very unlikely that they would have been killed if the crowd/vigilantes/chief believed they were students who had come to recover a debt as opposed to armed robbers. It is likely that Coxson knew this.

The alarm was an alarm, anybody can claim whatever motive for raising an alarm if 5 young men come to accost you. Knowing what vigilantes do to armed robbers, the 5 to 6 hours in between the alarm and their death is what Coxson needs to answer for. The explanation that will prove that he was not at the very least an accessory to murder will be a very interesting one, BUT he should be given an opportunity to provide that explanation AND HE SHOULD STOP RUNNING.

In summary, one cannot take a legal position on Coxson (I have already taken a moral position) until as much info as possible is available. We are getting info in trickles and it is tempting to jump in with a conclusion.

bioye: This is the only post of yours that I have a semblance of agreement with. There is too much disquiet about the details of the boys' defence. What is the name of the 5th guy who happens to be a cultist? What is the name of the debtor? Do both of these mysterious guys have house addresses in Aluu? All these questions and more need to be answered to make a valid case for the unlucky 4 boys.

What is the point in making a valid case for the boys when they have already been extra judicially executed?

With all the questions flying about, what is clear is that the jury is still out on what the boys offence was. It's unfortunate that there are illegal executioners out there who have already killed them. That is what we should unreservedly condemn!

Mob lynching is a beast, and once it is set free, NO ONE can tame it.

taharqa: What i dont get is the level of hypocrisy many of you guys are displaying in response of this terrible terrible crime. Aluu is not d 1st of such madness in Nigeria; it is one amongst many. It didnt start today, it has bn happening even b4 many of us were born; infact, it has kind of reduced in its frequency lately. The only diff bw dis particular one and odas is that in dis case there was a VIDEO- which has forcd us(hopefully) to really see the severity and callousness of taking laws into our hands and maybe ask d questn why sm ppl wud feel d 'need' to do such in d 1st place..... Aluu didnt happen cos many of its ppl were muslims, but cos they are Nigerians who cud sm times get away wit impunity

It's not hypocrisy!

The bolded comments explained it. There's no point being condescending about the rage that people rightfully feel based on what they saw.

The man needs a wake up call!

I'm not advising taking the kids and running back to the US, you need to be sure you've done all you can before taking that drastic step.

I don't think the woman deserves such harsh criticisms. She did make some mistakes, like succumbing to the suggestion to sell their house. However, she clearly described some responsible steps she took when he started overspending, like taking control of the budget. There were some good results from that action.

In a partnership, it's really difficult to pull one way when the other partner is pulling the other way.

Take heart, these things happen. There's hope because you once experienced the responsible side to this man (in the US), and there is a possibility that the responsible side can be re-awakened. I would have thought that losing his job would give him that wake up call, but clearly he needs a stronger one.

Be strong.

vivalableue: I appreciate all the feedback and keep it coming please. After spending the past few hours in deep thought and prayer, I have made my decision. This isn't a story or a sympathy grabber, I have loved ones for that purpose. I just needed a point of view from the individuals of the same background of the father. I'm still firm in not letting him know, I think in the moment of writing this post I forgot how incredibly strong my God is. I've made countless mistakes and he always calls me back if only I turn away from the sin that ripped me away in the first place.

I think that in order to turn away, I'll have to abandon the father from now. I won't be having sex, because it's the sin in my life. He's not a stranger, I know if I tell him he'll be chasing after me for a long time. At least this way we can move on and he'll leave me alone.

Does the law allow you to keep the knowledge of a child from the father? Even if it does, there's a big moral question mark about not telling someone that you're carrying their child.

It's not really about wishing.

In today's world there must be many couples where the woman earns more than the man. With more women being educated and entering the workforce, the numbers just won't work if women insist on marrying a richer man.

Many high earning women will be left unmarried otherwise.

The slant of the write-up gives it a very feminist feel. Men are definitely NOT endangered.

The institution of marriage is in decline and might be endangered. The ability of men at the bottom of whatever ladder (physical, financial, emotional etc) to still find suitable female mates to put up with them might be endangered.

BUT, as with women, and most other cases of natural selection, the fittest will always survive and prosper.

The writer also did not do much justice to the evolving differences between the sexes. If the world sees women leaving the home front and becoming working mothers as progressive, can the desire to see men leave the working environment to become stay at home fathers not be seen as regressive. Which group of people actively seeks to regress?

In the evolution of the sexes, what is happening is that there is a lot more choice. In their actions, both sexes are making their choies clear. Most men DO NOT want to be stay at home fathers. As society evolves and there is less pressure to get married, those whose choices do not fit in with the opposite sex DO NOT need to get married. Marriage is what we should put on the endangered species list, not men.

In addition, she has completely ignored the role and influence of women in a man's upbringing. A father has a huge part to play as well, but let me address the mothers' side for now. Any man that is raised in a house with a working, career driven mother, and grew up with educated, career driven sisters and female cousins should take to a career driven wife like a fish to water.

So with all the female career progression etc, why are most men still not used to it? Perhaps that is the real source of study for all the academics out there. Why would men be resistant to something they themselves grew up with?

Take away the feminist slant and perhaps we could start seeing a productive discussion around this issue, and put aside what I consider to be a worrying level of misandry.

I could critique this write-up all day, but let me leave it and be productive for my employers.

I think there's an issue with this "yes" question.

If a girl is interested in a guy, then she shouldn't waste time in saying yes to a date, or to opportunities to hang out and get to know each other better (all platonic of course). It is through this initial dating that she can decide whether it should progress to a serious relationship.

If the initial dating stage throws up something she can't handle, then she doesn't need to go any further.

It's CRAZY to be interested in a guy and still refuse the request from him for a simple date.

This poster na real spiri auditor!

We expect to see you at the pearly gates pointing out which category each person is in.

Nobody holy pass, but since you brought the Christian faith into it, I'll advise you based on that.

It's either you embrace your faith and therefore let it govern your actions, or you abandon your faith all together. Your issues stem from trying to be somewhere in the middle.

She goes around telling people how irresponsible her man is.

Misandry makes some women feel good about themselves!

debrief08: That is why I started this thread, first to understand more of the problem from the mans perspective then train my own boys better, See how I can support a programme on this issue.
So many Women support projects, none for men, even if it is just a place to talk and get the pain and burden off their minds.

Very commendable. I think if it were left to men, there would be no talking, counselling etc. However, these things work. It might be necessary to get men involved in leading the initiative though. Being a man and from what I know of other guys, it's very difficult to show weakness and put oneself in a vulnerable position where there are women around. Society really frowns on the so called "weak" men, so every man is programmed to go around pretending they are strong even if they are dying inside.

If you look at suicide statistics, men are in the overwhelming majority.

obowunmi: Will men show up for therapy?

From my experience, the place I've seen where men open up to each other is where there are other men that they trust.
It could obviously start small, until word gets round. It needs to be a non-judgemental environment where they can really explore the issues affecting them. I know this thread started with a focus on domestic abuse, but other areas would be useful as well.

ifyalways: @Afam, I'll try to break it down.
Some men, I'm sorry to say are stoopid when they are in love. They downgrade themselves, take all and every poo a girl throws at them just because they (think) they are in love. They hurt but because the seex is good or the girl is pretty hang on to relationships that are not healthy.

2 years down the line, they are married to the same girl and you expect the girl to change?no one should be blinded or foolish just Cos s/he is in love. Once you smell abuse, firmly put your feet down and nip it in the bud. No glossing over or overlooking.

I daresay it goes for both sexe, don't tolerate or give anyone room/power to abuse you.

its neither fear nor cowardice but I know that there are certain lines I dare not cross with my husband. He gets my 100% respect because he deserves it and its mutual.

Afam, if as a man, you don't know how to be firm and lead a woman in love, you have no business getting married. You don't have to be a commando, "rule" over your house or turn your home to a barracks either. Just be a Man. . . to the letter.

You may be right here, but perhaps men are also becoming wiser, leading to the number of girls (including very pretty ones) that are being left on the shelf nowadays.

debrief08, for someone who has been at the receiving end of physical abuse, I have to say that you handle the subject of abuse in a very objective way. Kudos!

I see some people on here that don't have a good word to say about men who are at the receiving end of abuse. That's a shame.

What does it really mean when someone says "be a man"? Are men not also subject to the same self esteem issues that some women face? Are we saying that those men don't deserve a chance? Does a boy who grew up being talked down to for most of his life suddenly turn into a man that "takes charge" of his home, or can he be fortunate enough to find people, or even a partner that can help build up his confidence and still be considered a man?

Psychological and emotional issues, including abuse, are very complex and affect both men and women. It's a shame that some on here are so engrained in their thinking that they can't see past their prejudices.

okpara ugo: And what of the girl

Both the giver and taker are thesame. Farook and Otedola.

Okay, a girl was about going for her traditional marriage and she was busy deceiving a guy back in school. When she was about travelling, she asked him for money for her hair and transport. The guy smelt a rat because she just concluded her exams and wouldnt spend anytime with him(the mugu). Earlier the mugu had proposed for marriage and she was babbling without a straight answer. Now she leaves for lag where her hearthrob dey live. Only for her to find out that her intending traditional wedding will no longer hold cause the lag guy in question just wedded last week. Hahaha

So the mugu in school should have plaited her hair and paid her trans to go meet her hubby for her trad. Nah God go punish wicked girls.

sadeiyare: A friend of mine,visiting his girlfriend back in the days and walked into them having an introduction party. He sat down thinking that it was one of her sisters getting married, drinking his second bottle of beer, that he now asked a fellow who was getting married. Your guess is as good as mine ; the guy could not drink a drop anymore and left sobber

OP You are lucky

Na wah o!. It's a real jungle out there. Is this how guys and girls are just playing each other? Those that find true love in this climate are really blessed.

Very disturbing story.

First of all, a girl you thought you were in a relationship with had already introduced another man to her family as her fiance. Then that fiance offers you money as compensation and to stay clear of her.

The relationship you had is gone, but don't let your dignity follow. Some damage has already been done by asking for more money, but it is not irreparable.

Please only communicate with your ex, you have no business with her fiance. Reject the money, acknowledge the end of the relationship and let her know you are moving on with your life.

In a few years time (when N1m will mean nothing to you), you don't want someone laughing at you about how they paid you off.

Nice! I like it when girls rock their natural hair.

It goes to show how much we've embraced fakeness when a black celebrity woman rocking her natural hair makes front page.

and the civil war between black men and women continues.

Let us applaud the other races that abuse our own race. It's the key to progress.

I tire.

Many good points in there.

However, I am a big fan of putting advice for guys and advice for girls side by side so that they complement each other.

I admit there may be a declining number of gentlemen out there, but the number of ladies who don't know how to react to a gentleman is also alarming.

FrenchyL: Hello All,
i used to talk and think that i was NEVER get married to a lady who didn't have a university degree until i met my wife. I honestly don't think i would have met any woman who completes me in every way. She is still in one of the Universities in the UK, doing an online course and working. The twist to it is that she earns much much than myself but yet very humble. The summary of my contribution to this thread is that UNIVERSITY DEGREES DON'T MAKE A GOOD WIFE OR HUSBAND,what you should look out for is understanding and compatibility on most levels.

True talk. A doctor friend of mine married a girl without a degree. She's currently enrolled in a part time course and should finish soon. The real koko of the story is that she works in an investment bank, earns a VERY good salary and my interactions with her show me she's very cultured.

Again, I think the Naija scenario may be different. Most high profile jobs probably wouldn't look at someone without a degree, and I guess that reflects how the general population also looks at people without degrees.

SIGH!

Maybe it's a Naija thing, and possibly something to do with the climate the current generation lives in.

My dad didn't go to university, but still rose to become one of the first Nigerian partners in one of the big 4 accounting firms in the 1970's. He had A-Levels and obviously the chartered accountancy qualification.

I don't know if the current climate in Nigeria would allow people to achieve the same now without a degree, maybe it's possible. It's still possible here in England.

Personally, I would say that making an absolute statement like "I can't marry someone who didn't go to university" is a bit simplistic.

Nigerians do love educational qualifications though. That's for sure.

MRbrownJAY: as for Murray, yes AS FROM TODAY, he can/could be referred as a successful tennis player......but until last week, he had NOT earn that right, and was still considered an unsuccessful mediocre tennis player, now let us all rejoice for this "successful mediocre player", lol.

Lol at the above. I guess Andy Murray is quite literally an overnight success then.

I just knew this thread would re-awaken once I saw that Andy Murray won the U.S. Open

I'm glad the consultation around reforms is starting. For one, it will prevent the millions currently being wasted on lawyers, and will stop wealthy people being screwed over by their exes (usually at the encouragement of their lawyers).