₦airaland Forum

babyosisi:
Two out of three women in subsaharan Africa have witnessed physical abuse from their domestic partners
That is a sad testament yet some people get upset when the subject comes up.
The abusers perhaps
The saddest aspect is that there are women who justify it
I saw it live on a recent thread and this study buttresses the fact that there are indeed women who think it is a ok in some instances for a husband to beat his wife.

I think pepetatrors of domestic abuse(the variety that alienate,prey,control,subdue their partners esp)have serious issues.So to think that 2/3rds of (cos2/3rd of our women are one half of a couple) of our male population are inherently abusers is very difficult for me to believe.

My father was not an abuser,all of my uncles (Except one who used to beat his wife and my mum stopped speaking to him for years for his wife's sake he was like the black sheep) my husband,my brother,my male friends,etc see men who beat women as weak.So how can I now believe a very large chunk of the male African population are abusive towards their partners?

Like the research that says Nigeria has one of the promiscuous women in the world

Domestic abuse is an abominable thing and even though I agree that there is no justification for it, I also disagree that 2/3rds of Nigerian women (say we have 90 million women that is 60 million) would agree condone or stay in an abusive relationship.I grew up in Nigeria and in my environment beating your wife was seen as abominable.

Babyosisi I would want to know what empirical data was used in this research.2/3rd of Nigerian women?

That's 2 out of every 3 women.

So that means for every 3 Nigerian(or women of Nigerian descent) women on NL (me and you inclusive ) 2 are in a abusive relationship?

I find it very difficult to believe those statistics. P.S I am not saying there is no domestic abuse I am saying that 2/3rd statistics is an exaggeration.

@moca not heard from her will pm her later(if I remember my ppassword)

coogar:
why would it be different?
are you guys kidding me? did some 40% of the women in a survey not own up to having sexual urges while they brêastfed? are they aliens?



please - google erötic lactation.
yes, i agree some women genuinely do this to feed their kids but some have taken it as a way to get sëxual pleasure and they fed their kids till they age 8-12.



it's not about my crooked mind
think about it - i have various articles supporting this. some women are super sensitive and they have confessed to orgäsms while breastfeeding their kids. some even mastürbated while they breast-fed. isn't this sexuäl abuse abi women are incapable of abusing their kids sëxually?



it's not different.....
whether it's the baby or it's an adult - a sensitive nïpple would respond to stimuli. while i agree with you that it's not every woman that would find the process pleasurable, close to half of the women population have experienced sëxual pleasure.

i ask again - isn't this sëxual abuse?

In a 2000 study of breastfeeding women, 40.5% of the participants reported feeling sëxually aroused at some point during infant suckling. 16.7% reported being aroused frequently during breastfeeding.

In a more recent paper that reviewed several studies between 33-50% of women described breastfeeding as eöotic (and 25% of those women said they felt guilty about it).

edwife, what do you have to say?

. Wo cooogar I don't have your energy today. are you saying your children are not going to be brea.st fed?na wa for dis kain daddy. There is love in sharing.

I won't lie though I find brea.st feeding any child that can walk & talk a bit weird. me as soon you have teeth and bite me a couple of times,na aptamil remain be that.

this Coogar ehn the way your mind woks na waya

While the pic depicted might be true in some cases and is some marriages I am of the opinion its not necessarily a Nigerian or African thing.

Women generally tend to do most of the chores, caring, nuturing etc regardless if whether they work outside the home and this is in most parts of the world even so called western societies.

Hardly 3 months goes by without one report or the other in the UK highlighting how women still do the bulk of household chores despite also working and contributing to the household purse. Just yesterday I was reading an article in a paper where it was implied that if men want a better s.ex life they need to help out more with chores . Guess what the writer was a white middle class 'independent'(abi what will a magazine editor be) woman. Go on netmums, mumsnet etc and see threads upon threads of white educated women moaning on how their husbands or partners still expect them to do majority of the chores.Heck there is even a Boots tv advert depicting two obviously ill working white women still doing chores while their husbands did nothing.

I used to also think white men or western men were definitely more open to chores than our own men but living and interacting with people of all cultures has kinda shifted that view.Some of the worst 'traditionalist ' or men who think 'women belong in the kitchen' are white middle class men. Yes they exist in 2015.

Chauvinists, gold diggers, misogynsts, misandryists etc are not the preserve of African or Nigerians.


http://www.mumsnet.com/surveys/chores-the-truth-about-who-does-what

Idowuogbo:
every is there oo...we dey jama jama as per say i want to be like you when I grow up. Emi na fe je CEO of Badosky lounge.

We sef still dey jama jama ni o..Kowolepe intl enterprises It is kuku well.

coogar:
kai - you are very harsh!

Yes naa sebi other people's taxes were used to 'help' her as a lone parent so its only fair for the taxpayer to get a refund In the case of a windfall. Thinking about it sef I think there should be interest sef if she gets the payout.

Idowuogbo:
O ga gan mehn...hian!

^halo omidan damiso, howdy?

I dey o. How every naa? Anything for the girls?

Hallo hallo hallo everyone..

coogar:
i think she deserves about £1,000.

In that case she must return every single penny of the state benefits she ever claimed as a lone parent.

Like who claims child support for a 30 something year old MAN.

I hope she does not get a dime .. wrong precedent to set.
Those judges that even allowed the case to be heard at all is preposterous. .

Happy Mother's Day to every woman who plays a mothering role one way or the other

Thank you For sharing naijababe May her soul continue to rest in peace.All those sayings are sooo profound and indeed words of wisdom.

Happy Mother's Day to all women who play a motherly role one way or the other.Now I appreciate and love my mum so much more as I now know how HARD it is to be responsible for another human being.The doubts 'am I being a pushover' or 'was I too harsh'the worries,the putting their needs above yours,the worrying about how will they turn out,the anxieties etc etc.Warts and all I now appreciate her and I know she did her best.We all wish for our kids to be better than we were but if my children turn out like me I know I did something's right(and no I am not flattering myself thats more down to my parents)

FOREXMARTS:
Tiff lol, now wey u don code say dem dey go arrange ur package for mother's day it will longer be a surprise, but now you have to fake the surprise so u don't disappoint ur kids and hubby. Now i dey pity them lol. There is God oh. Hahahahaha

Yes o now I have to fake the suprise

I sha I hope I don't get a 'christian mother' gift just joking its the thought that matters and I have gotten to the point where I would appreciate even a card.

Everyone needs ME time..damiso can't emphasise it enough. For your sanity and also to be a better mother and wife..whether its that soak in the bath, trip to the saloon to do your nails, supermarket, coffee with a friend or even just curled up on the sofa watching Scandal

Our men reading abeg please take these lil ones off us from time to time having children under 5 around you ALL THE TIME (with no break) is enough to make one a stressed out wreck...I love my kids to bits but really I can not quantify how i love when hubby takes them off me and I have time alone with my own thoughts and not saying 'stop it' 'stop climbing' ' leave her alone' or even hearing 'mummy'100 times in 2 hrs. As I type they are out (its mother's day in the UK tomorrow they are trying to code that they are at the park but I know they have gone to buy card and gift ) and I just love the quiet calm after a hectic week at work. My normal self would have been cleaning all the house corners but I have just decided to maximise this time alone so I am lying down on the bed watching tv and browsing NL.Na pesin born me too as I always say

Babyosisi's post was spot on.

SAMBARRY:
Kilode ke? You sef pay and let them have a good time in school. No dey do alaroro. Pay and make learning fun for them o jare. Abi when you were in school at their age didnt you enjoy



If they say i should pay 20euro for wura to have a good time i won't even think twice before I pay.

Don't mind me jare.. It's not even the money I would have gladly paid £20 for the teacher to think of the disguise we(her) sha eventually went to school as a cat.trust we naija peeps naa when my daughter told my mum on the phone 'I was a cat today 'my mum said 'haa cat ke oloun oni se e ni cat o ' meaning cat ke God will not make you a cat o


Happy weekend everyone

r231:
Give me £20 i will show you how to dodge the dogs

Pere that one is no problem. .

Hello everyone....

All this UK schools sef last week it was World book day (dress up as your fave book character) tomorrow its Red Nose Day (come dressed in red & a disguise) wetin sef Abeg teach this children A, B, C and stop making me crack my head after a long day at work.these are the times I miss my alabodo days

*rant over**

Every 'obviously' married man that ever toasted me as a single was either planning on divorcing his wife,she was a shrew ,she was extravagant ,wasteful etc what a coincidence

The oldest trick in the book

r231:
That one is simple now haba......just go to Favorite restaurant in plumstead but man pipkin go don get drunk on carton of stout before that thing ready so it's better to call them before getting there

I get plenty gala and chocomilo

You never disappoint I knew you would know where

Haa should I come and collect my own gala? Don't finish the gala o..don't worry about chocomilo I have packs of that at home.

Come how do you people sneak in all this plenty gala? Customs dogs no dey small am ni? Even CC with her kpomo?

Ewuro4:
1.No... Nobody's perfect buddy. A marriage without quarrel is almost impossible. Although I'm talking healthy quarrel (e.g arguments, which I'm not a big fan of coz it's always end up in resentment, cruel words are said and cannot be taken back) not domestic violence kind oh.
2. I wouldn't proffer a dose of quarell per month/year. Infact I'd say avoid it if possible and rather have the Talk .
But. Couples need to realize that constant fight chips off the affection between you two, constant fights and argument is not healthy atall. And if you must fight, please do it with common sense and be rational about other persons feelings.
3.over the years, I've learnt to stay calm and collected, listen to music, take a dip in swimming pool or run/jog around the block to blow off some steam to clear my head. I realized and learnt how it calms the tension btw both of us and our kids are safe and protected from drama. I really don't like the picture of kids watching parents argue, it's not healthy for their overall wellbeing.
Good Topic Saao, I hope young/intended couples can learn from this.
cc. Chaircover, Greatgod2012,Damiso, Naijababe, Edwife, lyndaroyce and co

Well said sis you don talk am finish. .Cant emphasise how much parents need to spare their children their couple dramas and issues. Children can sense tension.

Ok before I hit my bed.

My mum would have told someone in naija that they can stay with us and then put me in the difficult position of 'informing' him as how can i tell someone who is due to arrive in 2 days sorry you can't stay with me.My mum would say 'I trained you better than all those UK people who are not accomodating' ; In other words she wanted my house to be what her house was as the first daughter even though we were married to two ENTIRELY different men.

CC said something on this thread that really helped me and that is to sometimes understand that you and your spouse are two different people from different backgrounds and trying to force your worldview based on your own experiences sometimes is a recipe for disaster.

I would nag hubby about him being 'antisocial'. I would even compare him to my dad and say my dad had slept on the floor to accommodate guests so why is he talking about privacy?

Hubby would not talk but unknown to me resentments were growing on how he felt he would ALWAYS take my side but I was always quick to side with my family against him.Mum would call and say ehen'this person said when they came to your house your husband spent 30 mins with them and went to watch football in the room' immediately I would attack him' why must you watch football now why are you so unsocial' mum would say 'so your hubby has not called Aunty A to say congrats on her granddaughter birth' I would nag him till he called.Funny enough he might not even call if it was his own Aunty A.

All these things were just brimming below the surface.

One day hubby had enough and turned back my mum cousin from sleeping over. I was soooo mad at him. Unfortunately or fortunately my mum was with us at the time.Gosh was my mum mad.i was also mad at him but I think he was just trying to stamp one kain authority. My hubby can be quietly stubborn sometimes.He insisted that this person will not sleep over or he will leave the house for us.Mum left our house that day and went with her cousin to a bed and breakfast.

Gosh what did I not hear. That was the point it dawned on me that I was supposed to be hubby's cheerleader.I was meant to be the one who laid down the boundaries to my family as he did to his.I was meant to be the one to say mummy we can't have guests with just one day's notice.

When I started lil by lil mum would say ' your hubby has changed you' etc etc . 'You have turned to all those London people(I know some Uk people are so unaccomodating ) but I knew I had to balance the equation because I thought to myself so what if it was me.The bible says do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.How would o feel if different people from hubby's sode would just be turning up without informing me or just giving me one or two days notice.

There were a lot of issues.Like when I decided not to work for a while.Some of my aunties started calling me 'Ruth abokoku(Ruth the husband lover) .But now they and my mum to an extent are learning to only give opinions when they are sought

Plenty plenty epistles on this thread. . Apostle Paul would be proud

Am just so tired and not in the mood to type(busy weekend can't believe its Monday in less than 12 hrs again ) but will touch a bit on another side of the coin of the inlaw issues touched on this thread and that is when your own family seems to be the one that has issues with the way you choose to run your family.

My parents were both 1st children and not just first children but the first set of educated people in their respective nuclear families (ok not nuclear perse as there was polygamy on both sides).Our house was always filled with people and if you came to our house on a Sunday afternoon you would ask if there was a party going on.My mum is a very industrious woman and as well as fending for her family she was taking care of a battalion of people as well. Same as dad.I grew up around a large extended family.In short I can't count how many grannys I had I had granny ikeja, granny ijebu, granny eko, granny idumota etc etc auntys uncles cousins etc etc At a point I think my dad was sponsoring about 5 people in University while my mum was sponsoring weddings, funerals, paying school fees,paying hospital bills, etc etc. .Now I am very proud of who they are (or were in my dads case) because i know even though I have NOW not personally reaped any material benefits from those people directly I believe doing good is just great.

My husband grew up in a nuclear family lost his parents at a young age, was shipped to an aunty who used to use his school fees for aso ebi until his sister was able to get him back to the UK(was born here).So he is kinda wary of extended extended family.

I have never had issues with my inlaws.They don't even want to be in your business sef.Even if they would my hubby would tell them off.In short I tell him to chill on the 'leave my wife alone' ish.I remember one time I went to naija and his aunty moaned that I did not bring my daughter to come see her, I heard he told its not compulsory I see every body on every visit.He shields me from unnecessary drama and I guess its easy to get away from cos they are not his biological parents.

My mum on the other hand had (maybe I should even say has sef) issue with the fact that hubby is not really into extended family. I can say most of the major fights I have had with hubby is over my extended family drama.I am not even going to lie at the early stage of our marriage I said ALOT of things to him that in retrospect I should not have said.I would nag him to go to family parties, nag him to go and greet that uncle brother wife who is on holiday in the UK. My mum wanted to even make our house the extended family headquarters In London.This extended family would come and say my hubby is not friendly, he acts too britico etc.Mum would call me and complain. For things as silly as he greeted her with 'head'( non yorubas might not get this).Gosh was it draining.

Will be back later on how I coped and laid down boubdaries.I need to sleep

Happy intl women's day to you too edwife and all you beautiful women in the house

Oga R231 we missed you o we were just gisting about point&kill and you were not around to tell us where we could go get it in London how everything? Bring us back goodies from the land of cusin shairs

Girls tend to get more money than boys At least from when i was university and most people I know.

Sometimes though what happens is daddy and mummy might give money for expression/ darling yaki but girl wants brazillian hair.Daddy and mummy buy or can afford Nokia but girl wants iphone or Samsung galaxy S5.

I can't stress how important it is to keep reaffirming to children (boys and girls) not to base their self worth on material things (its hard sha cos I remember how I too really wanted mocassins one time cos all my friends had them and i did not)

The values my parents instilled in me were so strong that I actually could not bring myself to be an aristo chic.I could not imagine going through all the stress 'runs girls' went through all for maybe 50k at the most.(I knew runs girls back then and those gals used to be as broke as hell )..50k was big money back then don't get me wrong ( i probably never had that much money at any one time)but I just decided to try to manage what my parents gave me.If I wanted more I helped mum in her shop or we did coporate gifts together.My mum had been using my money to buy me stuff to sell from when I was in 100 level.I am happy I learnt to be self sufficient from a young age.

Happy happy birthday aunty chaircover...Gods blessings now and always.

Hope you enjoyed yesterday and today.

Happy New Month everyone.

naijababe:
I didn't know you could be oppressed

All this asaro that you are chiaring...picture that we can't eat.thats oppression nau.

You know yam is meta 10 pounds in london(4 sef) it's Ewuro that might have to drive miles to get yam that I am pitying

I must make asaro this weekend. Nobody can come and oppress me o

K

bellong:
How does "swag" gets a Pastor to heaven or fulfill his ministry?

Paul said... "And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God. Howbeit we speak wisdom among them that are perfect: yet not the wisdom of this world, nor of the princes of this world, that come to nought..."

Paul the Apostle himself wasn't blessed with eloquence compared to Apostle Apollo which caused division among the "milk Christians" in Corinthians that necessitated, "some are for Paul while some for Apollo"

Peter, John and James were fishermen, unlearned and book ignorant men. People of their age had this to say... "Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marvelled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus..."

Do you see Jesus in your pastor or eloquence of speech with no life transforming messages other than motivational talk/speech. This age of Christians is filled with people who pay attention to what doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

The Principal thing every believer should check out for in the life of his/her Pastor is if his life reflects/exhibit character of Christ, any other thing is vanity....... Does he follow Christ, is he influenced by worldly ambitions and insatiable appetite for acquisition of material things etc...


If he is living a life of opulence at the detriment of the flock, when he should live in sobriety feeding the sheep, he is only a motivational speaker.


Meanwhile, I understand your aim was for joke's sake. It is necessary to put the record straight for the simple at heart.

Thank you.

Well said bellong.very well said.These days I am even wary about too much swag in church.The Gospel is simple really but these days our adding 'swag' 'effects' 'entertainment' ' motivational speaking' is begginning to complicate things.May The Lord help us to finish well and not be distracted from the simplicity of the cross.


On a lighter note(sorry for my spirikoko everyone) high priest bellong how come your own gods like swag gifts like iPads,MLk's etc. When did they upgrade from kola nut Palm oil and the likes?

Lovely thread naijababe and I have Learnt loads as well.I can't think of anything else to say that hasn't been said.

Bellong's post was really spot on.

Chess is really good I remember my dad teaching me how to play chess when I was about 10.

Engaging children's curiousity(I know the why can get irritating sometimes ) is something that can never be overemphasised. listening and involving them in decisions ,seeking their opinions like some other's have said is something that we Africans need to embrace.

I don't have a MIL but my own mum was the one who kinda had issues with hubby going into the kitchen to sort himself out.I don't think I ever saw my dad in the kitchen cooking.He would wash cars,fix lightbulbs(or pay someone ) my dad was one of those people who felt chores were mundane and so if someone could do it for a fee then why bother doing it yourself(I take after him a lil in this area).

So my mum had some kind of shock when she would see my hubby come back from work enter the kitchen and make himself or sometimes the whole house Amala.She would say your hubby is in the kitchen and you are sitting down watching tv(also I think in her mind the fact that my husband is older than I am just made it worse ).I would say please let it make himself he is always complaining that mine has lumps.

She was even offended that he was implying that she did not 'train'me properly (that my mama ehn).I would say but I made the Soup naa you this woman what's your own.Should I tell him to make for you too?

This man grew up in Ibadan your amala can never be as fluffy as his(which is true no woman in my family can beat my hubby's amala ). it was a real culture shock for her but with time she got used to it.

I guess it's just different times,environments and upbringing. I can't really judge those who are shocked by it though neither do I think doing chores is a necessarily a yardstick for a good man because my father who I absolutely adore never did chores.my mum had sooo much domestic help while we were growing up and my dad was never the 'you must cook ad serve and watch me eat type'.As long as there was sha food to eat he could never be fussed about who made it.

The one I might never have been able to cope with are those who won't help and also won't let you get or pay for help.