₦airaland Forum

funmisticqueen2:
So why am I one of the most hated females here, because my self esteem is above average (a lot of work to get there) and I say my truth in a way no one wants to hear. Men in Nigeria, live off putting the women below them. That's why I call it privilege.

Why do you think we have redpillers here. The are the ones who cry foul because they are losing their privilege.

This! So the consensus is, Nigerian women accept toxic behaviors from men yada yada yada but then women that DO speak up get shutdown and cussed out. Please, make that make sense.

@emmaodet
I don’t know if this makes any difference but I meant to type *cultural evolution.

You’re going to get varied responses. It doesn’t hit everybody the same, also depending on the strain, it can be a downer, upper or hallucinogen (rare). It’s a downer for me, I take mine as an edible and I use it for my insomnia. I take a slice every night and it slows everything down, feel sleepy and my brain isn’t stimulated but sluggish, no funny experience.

spongeisback:
Exactly why I made my earlier comments, you can't say women are hypergamous in nature and love to be subjected, when it's obviously from their up bringing and what have been normalized generation before now. Dowry payment was started by men and if a woman says I don't want my dowry paid they call you rebellious and not properly married and at the same time men go around complaining about dowry payment.

For true change to begin the toxicity of our upbringing has to be stripped from the root but it wouldn't happen because some selfish individuals benefit greatly from it.

I disagree with the author‘s view that most Nigerian women have internalized sexism and misogyny. We’re not unaware, we feel it and we hate it, we just don’t have the ‘power’ to fight it yet. Things are changing though, Nigerian women are speaking up and challenging the status quo. Nigeria is on the verge of a cultural revolution.

spongeisback:
I guess the sentence before that didn't catch your fancy then,

I will tell you something that sounds even more twisted. Your average Nigerian woman will lose respect for you if you respect her or other women in her presence. She will quickly label you soft, woman wrapper, weak, gay, "this one wife go dey control am", "na man be this?", or just plain mugu.


The writer is writing from the believe of an average man.


How can a woman love to be treated like trash if she doesn't know she is been treated like one?

What I got, toxic parenting leads to toxic behaviors perpetuated by men and normalized by women. This has a potential to be a polarizing article it can be twisted to suit whatever bias you have. Would be interesting to see the comments on this one.

DP

spongeisback:
If you truly read the post as you claim, you wouldn't make this comment.

His analysis of the OP is correct. The author highlights the toxicity in our patriarchal society then went on to conclude Nigerian men get away with sexism, rape and a host of other toxic behaviors because Nigerian women love being subjugated and treated like thrash.

spongeisback:
No he's not. Like the author said
"The girls too were naive, brainwashed, misinformed, conflicted, indoctrinated, caged, paranoid and Hot. Abused and scarred." So how can he claim women are hypergamous in nature when it's something that was learnt?! How can women subconsciously want to be subjects to men if they weren't given a choice?

So, the author is saying Nigerian women were raised to accept patriarchy?

budaatum:
The F was to denote my usual stance which I chose not to adopt here but confessed so those who know it of me don't think I had a mind transplant. But equating simple me to NL is bigging me up way more than puny me is worth. That said, don't miss my F credentials. I wear it as my badge of honour and don't really care if you dis or like it since I am not here to pleasure you.

You do not have to agree with me that she is laying down the law. You have your own mind and opinion and I'm sure you'd let me have mine, though whether you let me or not is irrelevant really since I d not need your permission nor do I require you to pay for the data with which I express it.

Really? You got all that from this question “how is she laying down the law?”

budaatum:
Do note that I am not assuming to knowitall, but as far as I do know, a "customary court wedding", which you changed op's "white wedding/traditional wedding" to, are as recognised as any marriage. Traditional non-court weddings however, depend on your own local traditions which are not the same everywhere in Nigeria and have some exceptions which you may want to read about [url=https://www.legit.ng/1127334-what-customary-law-marriage-nigeria.html]here[/url

There you go! That’s why the fiancée’s request for a civil ceremony is very reasonable. She needs a more objective legal protection than a customary court will give her. Anyways, someone up thread has suggested another good compromise, she should register the church wedding certificate at a court and get another certificate from the court.

nana228:
Please i genuinely need to know, how does court marriage favour a woman except the man plans on marrying another wife before properly divorcing her in Nigeria?

Honestly i don't see the big deal, is it not the same court that tells men with 5 children to pay 5,000/month for three children as upkeep? I have never seen where the court shared the couples assets and liabilities 50/50 like other countries

Is there something i don't know? What about making her sign a prenuptial agreement if you are worried about anything?

Yup all that. The man really has nothing to lose to be making such a big fuss over it. It’s not like he’s been asked to convert to another religion. A civil ceremony is cheap and quick. The only time a civil marriage is beneficial to the woman is when she becomes a widow. She can at least have a fighting chance in court.

budaatum:
I'd have thought they both should be compromising and accommodating, but sister here seems to be laying down the law! And this is feminist to the power infinity buda speaking here!

Kboyvic, you need to remind her that her madam is not going to be part of your relationship and if her madam's opinion matters so much maybe she should marry her madam instead of you! But only say that after you've agreed to this tiny request of her's.

NL love to invoke the F word even when it doesn’t apply.

How is she laying down the law? She has a real reason to worry that a customary court will not have any effect if she’s a widow and her in-laws kick her and her kids out. We have threads here on NL on sufferings of widows. Please, what does the man have to lose? It’s not like she’ll receive a financial windfall if they divorce, we have no such laws here.

OP if you love her as you claim, then you will do all you can so she and your kids are well protected if anything happens to you.

You’re about to get married to another person and it’s no longer just you. You have to be ready and know when to compromise to accommodate the other person in your life. One measure to use is to ask yourself “who has more to lose?” If you guys don’t have a civil ceremony; what does she have to lose? If you die or you fall out of love with her she has little to no legal protection. What do you have to lose?

babasade:
there is lockdown. She attends a school, called the parents of both spoken extensively to both children, families should do away with househelp if they have younger kids that the main reason that story is there

A 14 year old child shouldn’t be involved with ‘paid’ labor, period.

No, your post shows adults in Nigeria don’t take children’s rights and sexual abuse of children more seriously.

babasade:
the question is should the househelp leave or be counselled cos the parents are really facing hard times that was why she was brought in atleast to assist them take the burden. The parents are sad and begging. How did I fail them am I expected to teach them sex education 8yrs old that just came over to stay for a while. Beating them with anger will lead to expenses with this restricted movement remember they aren't my kids. so it confusing

It’s sadder that you don’t see anything wrong with watching an 8 year old boy getting sexually abused by another child. It’s even worse that you think it’s okay to type this on a forum and expect not to get called out.

That child shouldn’t be working and be exploited, she should be in school and live a normal life like her peers.

This is very sad.

Child labor and child porn both relished and encouraged by an adult. OP, you’ve failed those children.

cococandy:
I thought we agreed on personal responsibility.
The same way married women are supposed to be responsible for their actions and choices and the consequences thereof , so should their men.

You missed the memo, apparently, wives are to blame for the bad actions of their husbands, because they chose them. It’s the new theory floating around on NL. Nothing new, it’s just another iteration of victim blaming, another way not to take responsibility for their actions.

Classic nature vs nurture. They are intertwined and complementary, nurture shapes what nature has given.

There’s no justification in lying to your spouse. Her anger is justified, he gave a misleading account which made everything look suspicious. The wording of the text also didn’t help, it implied his ex was the one that got away. He should apologize for his deceit.

IdiAminDada:
Even a single sentence you still managed to misunderstand it.

Okayyy. Hang tight, your cheerleading squad will appear soon.

IdiAminDada:
You read but probably didn't understand most of what i said.

You only want comments that feel sorry for you and bash your wife. These are the type of comments you need if you’re still interested in your marriage. They give you a perspective that’s close to your wife’s. Your wife might not be a saint, but her reactions to your late nights and philandering ways are not irrational and you should listen.

IdiAminDada:
Yes i have cheated but not like regularly as you think Last time, its like over a yr ago. I do make serious effort not to cheat but when ever I rebuff girls and return home, i feel like going back to where i came from.

I hate chatting, when i do, its usually a new contact and will not last a week. I dont make long calls either. Even my male friends quarrel me for not effort in calling. So i never spend anytime at all with any girl nor spend any money on girls. All these are in her head

Its hard to sit and talk things when she misunderstands and take things personal My sisters and my parents will change to language when she is around to avoid her issues but the next thing is she assumes they are talking about her. My family is careful talking around her cause she will turn issues upside down.

The more you type, the more it’s obvious your wife is the victim here. So you cheat and flirt but it’s all in her head??

You’re in a bad place and whatever you’re doing to cope, is hurting your family.

Ignore the threats of a side chick. Submissive housewives are also cheated on constantly. Some men have babies, side pieces etc on ‘good’ wives too. Some couples have also been able to work out a healthy long distance marriage without cheating. If your husband is going to cheat, he’s doing so because he’s a cheater, period.

Don’t be freaked into making a decision that would put you in a worse situation than you were before.

Why do you want to stay close to your family? Do they help with child care? You have a very valid reason to worry about the financial implication of your move to Lagos, before you move, secure a job in Lagos.

ibkayee:
Lool!

Being black has never stopped me from travelling personally, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I tend to do my research before venturing to some of these places. The experience will not be the same for everyone

Also, dress like a tourist. When I leave my hotel room I make sure I look like a tourist, I pair my outfit with a camera on my neck or a crossbody/messenger bag.

ibkayee:
I think attitudes towards travelling differs across different countries and cultures too, I was surprised to hear having in a passport in a country like the US us not as commonplace as it is in the UK for example (anyone can correct me about this if I'm wrong)

True. That’s because the US has every touristy thing available. Skiing, beaches, mountaineering, surfing, casinos, broadway shows, diverse food, wine tours, etc. It’s also very diverse that one city looks different from the next, they travel but mostly within the US.

ibkayee:
Money can never be disregarded as a factor, but there are plenty of white people of just average (and below) wealth who still manage to travel a lot.

I think overall they tend to be more 'adventurous'...or actually, brought up in a network that encourages them to tap into their adventurous side more because I can't say anyone is 'inherently' more or less adventurous.

Also, traveling whilst white vs non-white is probably a more privileged experience when it comes to how other countries/cultures welcome you

I'm sure Nigerians would travel more too if the average person had the funds and was used to seeing people around them travelling

Exactly! It’s a combination of factors one of which is the bolded. I know wealthy Nigerians that are content with visiting 3-4 major cities multiple times, to shop not to sightsee.

Traveling while black is also very real.

I agree. However, for Nigerian women to own their sexuality there has to be a sexual revolution in Nigeria. It’s easier typed than done, no human wants to be shamed, ridiculed or judged, so they do what humans do, self preservation. It’s safer and easier to conform.

Mizwisdom:
See, you have two boys now you want a girl, it's the same with most people, having two or more of one gender makes you desire the next. If your wife was actively pressing you for a female child, you will feel it more same way if a woman is being pressed for a male child by her husband. As a married man, the fact that this issue is on your mind is queer. Men don't usually banter about this, are you a religious or a counsellor? I'm a bit curious as to why you feel the need to create this topic You can simply ask the women who visit you with their problems, why they have such problems in the first place.

It’s because OP didn’t create this thread in good faith.

Kuns84:
It's really astonishing the amount of counselling I've had to do for women who have sunken into depression after finding out the gender of their baby - and I've noticed most of these women are pregnant with girls.

The only time I encountered someone unhappy with a male pregnancy, was because she already had 3 boys and was desperate for a change the 4th time round.

Why is such mentality prevalent amongst our women? In fact, the way some of these pregnant women act makes me question if women hate their gender so much that they can't bear to bring in another of their kind into this world.

Nigerian men and patriarchy, but you already knew that.

Most Nigerian men are entitled, vindictive and have zero conflict resolution skills. Conflicts are resolved only in two ways, violence or silent treatment. I blame the women that entertain this foolishness. Why can’t a grown man communicate??

Silent treatment is often used as a form of punishment and control, the man is not interested in resolving anything but seeks to punish the woman and reaffirm his dominance. The thing is when ST is used repeatedly, it loses its intended effect. The woman becomes numb to it.

Lol at OP likening men to dogs.

ibkayee:
Yeah his concerns are definitely valid, I just don’t understand how she’s getting ahold of his money to the point of bankruptcy, as much as it’s frustrating him perhaps he’s also being a bit of an enabler

This!

ibkayee:
I was wondering the same thing too, unless they have a joint account? (I doubt).

His concerns are valid and it’s actually admirable that he’s thinking about finances before he gets married.

Yea, he has to share some blame for his bankruptcy, even if it’s a JA, once he noticed her erratic spending habit, he should’ve shut it down quick.

Many people are bad with money, men and women. Some marriages are hell because of it, while some thrive. It’s easy, you don’t give the person access to money and the financially responsible one manages the money. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then it is what it is.

I’m curious how she still had access to your money enough to bankrupt you. Aren’t you also financially irresponsible by going bankrupt? Where’s your personal accountability?

zendi:
Find other ways to smear Trump and Chloroquine, but please stay away from fish tank cleaner because it kills and Trump never touted that, I beg you.

Funny. This is politics to you, not to me. So many lives lost that could’ve been prevented. When the dust settles, many blame to go around, anyone that says Trump is completely blameless is not dealing in reality. There’s no reason why healthcare professionals should use trash bags as PPE or why there were limited ventilators, why there were no tests.

Why we have a very expensive for profit healthcare system yet we were this unprepared. Where did all the profits go?

sassysure:
Had new York and other dems been proactive instead of reactive working side by side with trump, it wouldn't have escalated. Rather, these vultures were all about how to pull him down forgeting that this is human lives we are talking about here.

South Korean president actually downplayed it in the beginning. People called for his impeachment straigh away.
I follow Korean politics more than I follow naija politics Koreans are not your average Americans and don't tolerate nonsense and can be mean.
If the masses turn against you in Korea, u are a goner.
Also, all the governors worked with the president. All.
In USA the democrats where busy playing politics.
Was it not one of them that banned the use of chloroquine just because the president officially endorsed it?

These people are very wicked.

They remind me of fulani politicians.

This is revisionist history. You conveniently forgot when WA, NY and NJ had their first cases and Italy was already a hotspot, Trump inserted politics first when he tweeted the coronavirus response by WA/NY was a Dem hoax designed to make him lose in 2020. He also tweeted it wasn’t as serious as the common flu because the flu has claimed more lives. All these was AFTER he had received briefings in November of a possible pandemic brewing in Wuhan.

Trump made NY bid for ventilators and PPE with the federal government. He delayed issuing an EO to make companies divert their resources to build ventilators. Same Trump was protesting shutdown by state governors after he refused to wade in because his precious stock market was more important than lives.

He recklessly touted an unapproved drug with bad side effects, the drug has since being halted because of its side effects and no prove it cures rona. Why would you imply NYers didn’t do anything just to slight Trump? Do you know when Port Authority was closed? Do you know when schools were closed? Do you live or work in NY?? Or you’re just regurgitating the wrong info you got from a right wing website.

Please if you don’t have access to local news or its politics, please stop spreading fake news.