₦airaland Forum

byvan03:
Report to who? Don't forget that this is Nairaland, you report an abusive spouse to the Nigerian police, to do what exactly? Are you speaking of reporting in civilised country? A woman in Nigeria knows that her best bet is to act and remove herself from damage. Do you think that reporting to parents and her entire generation is the solution? I don't even get what you are nitpicking.

byvan03:
She did a terrible thing, agreed, luckily it has not gotten to the extent you described. If the man wants to restore the marriage, he still can at his terms. Do you feel that outright divorce will be better? Even if you feel so, it's your opinion and I won't fault you for that.

Please note that you are the only one here screaming divorce.

We are saying everyone should be told and informed especially those to him she has lied and misinformed about his character, you are saying no hide it, we say no hiding it is not the way to go as action have consequences, you then start screaming divorce

tearoses:
Op I can’t Imagine the pain and betrayal you are going through
It hurts even more that it’s your wife that has betrayed you more than even her sisters.
The closer someone is to you, the more the degree of hurt you feel.

Everyone is at liberty to give advice to their sister; good or bad, and it’s up to the person being advised to use their sense and pick through the advise, however unfortunately their bad advise is already rubbing off on your wife and has started manifesting in your family, hence the drama of the tearing of singlet etc.

Yours sounds like a young marriage and if you are not careful, this will be an ongoing issue and you will never have peace in your home as it will be many people running the show, so you need to re assert your position ASAP and let the outsiders know that there is a drawn line that needs to be respected.

I suggest that you go for the lesser of 2 evils, so do let the family know what has transpired and then you can rebuild the bridges.

You may not need to play the recordings. Just let them know that you are aware of some discussions that have transpired. The guilty parties will know what you are referring to. If they feign ignorance or deny then you can play it to them.

When they know that you are not having it, then everyone will learn to respect themselves. It won’t be an easy ride, but you not doing anything or pushing things under the carpet will only make you very resentful and bitter and the negative behaviour and interference by your wife’s family will only get worse.

A trial separation may reset things and give everyone an opportunity to reflect and think about what has happened and to behave themselves moving forward. Make sure their husbands are also aware of what has happened so they can remind their wives to respect and behave themselves, but that is up to you. If your wife has only just started this, and she is truly sorry, then a warning may be enough. Your wife also needs to know that you are a team and if anything is bothering her, its you she needs to come to. You too also need to be available.

A lesson to everyone, Marriage is not all about “I love you” alone.
Look very well into the family that you are marrying into. The kind of advice that those sisters are giving cannot be from someone enjoying or who has regard for marriage. You can only spit out what you have inside of you. Why would anyone with a solid marriage be advising someone else to be putting money to one side unless of cause there was good enough reason?

So Ladies and gentlemen look very well into the background of the family that you are going to be linked to for many years before you leap.

TV01 pls advise a brother

Bless you

tearoses:
Byvan I mostly agree with you but on this one I don't
If she were living in the US or UK and instead of calling her sisters and parents had called the cops, That man may never get a job again (number one)
If and when she divorces him, it will be used against him when it comes to a custody battle
He may loose his house cos when she wins the custody battle, the house will come with it.....where else will the kids live she will lament to the judge
He will have a criminal record and he can never hold a public service position so scrap school governor, MP or magistrate
Infact he is finished.
He is at risk by her actions
Many men have been "finished" due to false allegations of abuse.
His family have a right to know
If he was my blood brother, I would like to know
If he was my son I would like to know
They started it.....Let them deal with it.

Bless you again

Meanwhile poster your wife's sibblings are not trying to ruin your home, it is your wife who swore to love and protect you that is ruining your home when she decided to divulge your issues to her sisters for mockery. She decided to ruin your home when she started making secret plans to bankrupt you

byvan03:
I don't understand your sentiments, isn't the woman supposed to handle it herself? Who will handle it for her? Her parents, in laws or siblings? Adults should learn to mop their own mess. You take a decision and not whine to all and sundry over challenges.

A wife should handle physical violence herself and not report it. Heheheehe okay noted for future reference

byvan03:
Let the man handle this, let him dish the consequences at his own terms. Telling the family equals the end, I doubt he wants an end yet. You don't first smash to pieces what you intend to repair. I totally agree with Bellong on this one.

This is actually worse than physical violence, the only reason they didn't beat him is because they are physically unable.

This is the worst form of violence. Next time a woman is physically abused please advise her to " handle it herself "

byvan03:
Showing the family will ruin everything.

No Ma showing the family is not what will ruin everything, what ruined everything was the stupid decision she made with her sisters and their idiotic actions.

Let her face the responsibility of her actions. Same way we would not tell a woman to hide physical abuse is the same way this minute shouldn't hide this emotional abuse.

Actions have consequences

byvan03:
What if the OP doesn't want his marriage to end? If he wanted to be divorced he won't be asking for your counsel. Nobody is shielding anyone as I don't do gender sentiments. Any marriage that becomes a play field for all will always shatter to pieces. If he wants the marriage, it is not irreparable as his wife is being manipulated.

Who talked about divorce? You said he should not show his family, same family she went to lie to and insult him too. That is what I am talking about not divorce. This is not a matter to be swept under the carpet it must be thoroughly handled by all the people she involved

elektra:
My thoughts exactly. If physical assault was involved the automatic solution is divorce, but since the scars in this case cannot be seen physically, emphasis is on home restoration.

In my opinion, what this worse than physical assault and I would advice anyone to stay as far away from such an individual as possible.

Are you minding us? This is worse than physical abuse. Do you know the amount of pain this stupidity has caused and will cause him?



I am a woman and I say don't be emotionally blackmailed into doing nothing by anyone. These people will kill you if you don’t expose this nonsense. She will only pretend to be sorry while they coach her to cover up more

byvan03:
Don't be in a hurry to tell your family, once they hear this, the marriage has ended. A family with too much interference hardly lasts.


Tell her what you know, make sure she spends 2 weeks or more with those precious sisters of hers. She needs a reality check, she might not be a bad person but she is vulnerable. It's a shame when a woman has a weak personality, people like her operate with others steam. She has no mind of her own. You can save your marriage but you need to make your mark now, a huge mark that will reset all misplaced nuts in her brain.


If you want to restore your marriage, please don't tell your parents, they won't forgive this. Any meeting should be between you, her sisters and their husbands. Your problem is salvageable, you still have a fighting chance and you will win if you stampede those roaches into their hiding places. Those yelling divorce won't be there there to console your battered heart. Marriages do have their ups and down, deal with this like a man. Warn that wife of yours that the day she reports you to anyone again is the day the marriage ends and mean it.

Let the marriage end if that is what would happen. Why do we want to shield this nonsense? Because a woman is involved we are suddenly concerned about home restoration.

These witches would have continued this torture for years if he had not heard this recording.

Let the whole family come let them seperate temporarily let her go and think about her actions

I hope you transferred the recorded calls to your phone. If you did, go home act as nothing happened and summon a family meeting where you play the call and ask for a temporary separation.

Let her go and think of what she has done and if she wants to continue being married.

She will cry and beg not because she is sorry but because she has been caught.

If you bow to pressure to let it go you will be miserable and hurt because this betrayal is plenty and harsh you both need time away from each other to heal

This happens as usual when many couples refuse to have a marriage financial plan.

Before you get married, identify possible bills and how they are going to get paid. You can either share bills or open a joint account for bills.


As to your situation, finance in marriage is too important to be silent about. Have a sincere discussion with him don't get personal, simply list out all the bills on a paper and discuss with him a plan on how to meet these bills monthly.

Don't fall for emotional blackmail, these bills need to get paid and he needs to help so all the he is not eating will not work. When you both decide what bills he will handle and what you will handle resist the temptation of doing the ones he is supposed to handle when he doesn't do that. He learns that is his responsibility and he will do them

A 13 year old is a child and should be allowed to have a childhood instead of taking care of your children.

She is acting her age. I am so tired of this debate you expect a child to turn into an adult because you decide to use her in the name of helping to do adult duties. This is the age for tricks and misbehaving, she should be playing and doing just basics not stuck taking care of your kids.

As for your husband instead of doing referee why can he not be the one getting the kids ready? Are they not his kids too? You abandon the care of your kids to your wife and an underaged maid and be forming good man Oga you have failed.

Madam get an adult helper, pay her well, do your research well before engaging her. She can come in the morning and go home in the evening, your husband should help out.

Stop beating another persons child send that girl home so she can enjoy her childhood, if you want to help be paying her school fees while she is with the parents.

Buhari’s Chief Of Staff, Abba Kyari Moves To Remove EFCC Boss Magu
Abba Kyari, the Chief of Staff to President Muhammadu Buhari, along with the Director General of the Department of State Security (DSS) and newspaper publisher Nduka Obaigbena, has commenced a full-scale war against Ibrahim Magu, the chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC). Under the scheme, Magu will be replaced with a man, already identified, who is more amenable to the ways of Mr. Kyari and other kitchen cabinet persons.


Under the scheme, Magu will be replaced with a man, already identified, who is more amenable to the ways of Mr. Kyari and other kitchen cabinet persons.

Sources at the Presidency said there has been a cold war between Magu and members of the President’s kitchen cabinet, who seek to interfere with ongoing corruption cases at the EFCC.

Matters reportedly came to a head recently when SaharaReporters did an exposé that revealed how the Chief of Staff perverted an investigation that the commission had commenced against a powerful indigenous oil company, Sahara Energy, with Mr. Kyari directly accusing Magu of being the brain behind the leaking of the story.

Related issues of contention include the planned commencement of the trial of Jide Omokore, a shady businessman known to have been involved in multi-billion oil deals with former Minister of Petroleum Resources, Diezani Alison-Madueke. The Chief of Staff had apparently assured Mr. Omokore that he would not be prosecuted by the EFCC.

Our sources revealed that Magu’s letter of nomination to the Senate for confirmation was delayed by the Chief of Staff and the Attorney General of the Federation because of Magu’s “intransigence.”


On the part of the DSS, sources within the administration say Magu was held to have stepped on their toes by constantly questioning why they usurped the role of EFCC in carrying out raids into the homes of corrupt former government officials, which is the domain of the EFCC. The DSS reportedly raided at least 30 homes of officials and aides of former President Goodluck Jonathan, but only managed to deliver a meager N47m and $1.943m. Worse still, some of the monies recovered were never delivered to the federal government treasury and during reconciliation, some of the foreign currencies were found to be fake.

In that connection, the sources cited the February raid on the Abuja home of the son of Ngozi Olojeme, who was axed as Chair of Nigeria Social Insurance Trust Fund after Buhari came to power. While the DSS agents reportedly found $500,000, only $50,000 was delivered to the Treasury. Olojeme was never prosecuted either, where she would have revealed exactly how much money she lost.

The tension between the EFCC and the DSS grew to unimaginable proportions until yesterday when the DSS raided the home of a member of the Arms Probe Committee, Air Commodore Umar Muhammed (rtd.) who reportedly had $1.5million hidden in the premises in Abuja from bribes he purportedly received on behalf of other panel members. The reporting of the story appeared in Thisday newspaper, owned by Nduka Obaigbena, the publisher of which had been forced by the EFCC to return monies he collected from the office of the National Security Adviser for a contract that was never implemented.


Knowledgeable sources in government and law enforcement told SaharaReporters last night that Obaigbena was stopped from traveling to the United Kingdom last weekend by airport immigration officials who told him he was on the EFCC no-fly list.

The sources say Mr. Kyari, a former member of the Editorial Board of ThisDay, then intervened, following which Obaigbena was eventually allowed to travel the next day. He is now in London. Sources at the EFCC said that by securing Obaigbena’s travels, Mr. Kyari, and the DSS DG apparently obtained his cooperation to commence a media war on the chairperson of the agency.

Despite Obaigbena being on the security watch list of the EFCC, Mr. Kyari and Information Minister Lai Mohammed recently organized a high-profile meeting between President Buhari and the Newspaper Proprietors Association of Nigeria (NPAN) at the Presidential Villa in which the publisher featured prominently. Mr. Mohammed had his issues with Magu as well, as the EFCC boss had frozen about N10b in funds of the National Broadcasting Corporation (NBC) as former officials there began last-minute looting. Mohammed intervened to get Magu to unfreeze the account so that it could be used while he awaited approval of his budget, but Magu refused.

The minister also reportedly sent a request to the EFCC chairman to return monies retrieved from Obaigbena and other newspaper proprietors who were caught in the $2.1b scandal, but Magu also refused to budge. Furthermore, Mr. Magu and his officials are said to have extended their probe to include others in the media that include another publisher, Comfort Obi, whose account was also frozen. SaharaReporters has it on indisputable authority that the Chief of Staff and Mr. Mohammed took those proprietors to meet with President Buhari, but it is unclear if he gave them any concessions.

ThisDay’s role in releasing information about the arrest of the retired Air Commodore accused of receiving a bribe was consolidated as his travel ban was lifted, one source revealed.

Speaking to SaharaReporters by phone from London on Wednesday, Obaigbena confirmed that he was actually stopped at the Murtala Muhammad International Airport last Sunday but claimed it was because of an EFCC warrant left at the airport last December. He denied that anyone intervened to facilitate his travel thereafter, but did not state how the warrant was overturned except saying that the head of the Immigration department in Abuja apologized to him by phone. Asked about his relationship with Kyari, he admitted that Kyari once served on the Editorial Board of his newspaper

SaharaReporters learnt that the Arms Procurement Investigation Committee had also been fractured along lines of bias, as pressure was mounted on them not to probe a former Chief of Army, Lt General Abdulrahman Bello Dambazau, who is now the Minister of Internal Affairs. Magu and a few others are said to have favored inviting and investigating him.



Crying foul, the EFCC in a press statement on Tuesday contended of the ThisDay report linking the agency to corruption associated with retired Air Commodore Umar, that this is simply a case of corruption fighting back.

People knowledgeable about the retired Air Commodore said he was married to late oil Minister Rilwan Lukman’s daughter and that he has always lived a flamboyant lifestyle close to former Presidents, including late President Umar Yar’Adua. They characterized him as a conduit for passing funds to other Heads of State and governments in Africa. During former President Jonathan’s era, for instance, he was said to have been a go-between with several African Heads of State, particularly those of Niger and Ghana. He runs a massive office in Abuja where he refers to himself as “Don”.

His posh home in Abuja reportedly has at least 50 luxury cars, and he was regularly in the company of high-profile local and international visitors. Former FCT Minister Bala Mohammed was a regular visitor to his home, and he reportedly was involved in passing money to the Chadian government during the botched Boko Haram negotiation involving Hassan Tukur, the former Principal Secretary to President Jonathan, who was arrested two weeks ago.

It is unclear how the retired Air Commodore, given such profile, was put on a panel by the Buhari government to investigate high-profile corruption cases.

If Magu is removed from the leadership of the EFCC, the Chief of Staff and his collaborators plan to replace him with another police officer so far simply identified as “Abdulrahman,” an instructor at the Nigerian Police College in Kaduna.

“Abdulrahman” is said to have once worked with Farida Waziri, during the darkest days of impunity and corruption in Nigeria, and appears to be the kitchen cabinet’s perfect replacement for Magu as they will control him just as Farida was controlled by Umaru Yar’Adua’s Aso Rock gang.

The DSS probe, our sources were unanimous, is aimed at generating a report that would end Magu’s tenure.

The vultures are gathering now,” a political analyst said in New York on Wednesday.

“If Buhari cannot find the conviction to chop off the head of the crocodile he has reared as a pet in Aso Rock,” he continued, “ his anti-corruption claims will be in silent mode by the time he returns from the United Nations General Assembly in September, and will be the laughing stock of the world by the time he reads his Christmas speech


http://saharareporters.com/2016/06/22/buhari%E2%80%99s-chief-staff-abba-kyari-moves-remove-efcc-boss-magu

Kaira333:
I have seen how mannered you are, clap for urself, inugo? I don't know why u are too sad and bittered, anyway its non of my biz. I thought u are a super woman? Y did u invite ur mil to come at first. Besides when u read try to read with understanding don't just rush and started typing like a fool. Get it right hubby suggested we invite Mil's sister instead of her. I know it's very unfair to her and it will bring serious trouble at the long run. Keep on talking trash like I said earlier its ur right OK? I know it serves me right therefore don't bother disturbing urself with dat. Nwanyi OMA inugo?

Cool down my dear there is no need to fight.

cococandy:
I just want to make an observation to you and Ewuro's post.
Sometimes people need help not out of laziness but out of necessity.
I'll use myself for example. Going to school full time and working part time leaves me no chance to be home all day with my lil' one.
And of course DH can't resign from his job to sit with her all day. How will we survive? Therefore we need help.
I'd rather a family member stay with her than take her to strangers when she's just weeks old.
Everyone's situation is not the same.

You are right

Approach a customary court and seek for formal divorce

Ewuro you are right
We took care of our child on our own and believe me we are best for it. Parents should stop being so lazy.

I don't understand Nigerians and I may never.

Her mother in law is clearly upsetting her and the consensus is to shut up and keep being bitter, Keep being bitter with the mother in law who may just think she is making conversation and keep being bitter with the husband who can't defend her. Then resentment and anger builds on and on and on till it gets to a point when no one knows how it even started.

Poster, please talk to her, that's my own advice. Tell her respectfully, Mama when you say things like this it makes me feel inadequate as if I am not good enough for your son, It hurts me. Believe me Mama may not even know she is hurting you. And also Mama we will have another baby in time please be patient with us.

Simple case closed, no scheming drama, anger or resentment. Nigerians always supressing feelings.


You are entitled to your peace of mind jare.


This is a lesson I learned from my own mother in law who told me she is not a witch to just get in my mind and know what I like or don't like and she isn't God or above mistakes hence instead of carrying unnecessary anger I should kuku tell her when she is out of line. She never had a sister or female kids so she doesn't know where to draw the line or what is expected of her, and that is how we are managing and learning from each other in love, respect and honesty

raumdeuter:
Op what actions have you taken already? Have you started planning your move out?

Move out fire. She just wanted her husband home ni chikenan, she is moving no where. They probably had a stormy love making session which normally follows this beatings and cheating cases. She has probably forgotten she even wrote a post that got Nairaland women all fired up.

Any woman who wants to leave a bad relationship doesn't go writing long epistles asking for advice online, most of these women just want to whine and return to status quo. They will return to their abusive cheating husbands while nairalanders will be busy doing gender war

That your sister CHOOSES yes it's her choice not her parents or society's choice to stay in a potentially fatal relationship despite the several cases of murder by spouse means she is not a victim but a possible accomplice to her own murder

I came across this proposed bill today.

After charging us Stamp duty
Charging us more for fuel

Charging us more for unavailable electricity, this Government is soon going to be charging us for owning phones.

If you own a phone send a text make calls, watch DSTV browse infact anything that makes your life easier the Government will charge you 9 percent tax.


Mama Peace was so right ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, she said they will put us in prison we assumed it was physical prison we didn't know it was financial prison chaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Madam is not ready to leave, she wants fast and pray advise, she is okay with all the maltreatment as long as he comes home

tearoses:
I am not saying hold on to bride price
what im saying is that there are other things that can cause a man to feel that he has "bought" his wife
Brideprice is just one thing and as I have explained the Yorubas dont even embrace this bride price thing all that much

In the Indian culture the wifes family pay the husband, yet Indian women are treated like second class citizens
Many of their men dont lift a finger either.
Personally I think its much deeper than brideprice

I don't know about Indian culture but our fore fathers paid for women's heads so they could own them and have them do domestic chores and have kids and raise the kids.


If that has changed then we should consider changing the tradition that was created for the purpose of having women do these tasks

MAaaaam with all due respect how is this different from the several other times you have complained of the same issue and received advise?

tearoses:
I agree that in some areas the bride price is crippling
But when a man says a woman that I married with my own money, I think he is referring to all the money he has spent on so many different things over the period that he has known the woman and not just the bride price.
Some parents even unashamedly ask their sons-in-laws for things. Things they wont even ask their own sons.

I also think that the men who don't do any housework are just those kinds of people and its not because they are providers
Many men provide and still do housework
Some dont provide and still expect that their wives do everything
Some of it is upbringing and background
Some are just spoilt and just plain lazy
A man who cooked very well as a bachelor & was very house proud will not suddenly develop kitchen aversion when he gets married.

I understand all that but if we want men to be less traditional we have to start from the basics.

What purpose does the bride price serve in modern day?

It served a purpose in the days of our fathers getting a woman to have kids for you and tend to domestic chores, now things have changed why do we hold on?

tearoses:
I dont think BP is the main problem
Many Yoruba families now return it back anyway. Mine was and all the trado's ive attended regardless of the side had the BP returned.
Regards lists, the husbands family just bring yams, drinks, fruits etc for the engagement and when they are leaving the wifes family give them gifts too, plus the wife's family entertain the husbands family for both introduction and the engagement.
If you come from a richer family than your partners, the richer family takes most of the responsibility of the wedding anyway, regardless of if its the male or the female.
The problem in my opinion starts long before then. From when the man is cajoled into buying expensive phones, taking her and her friends out for meals, paying school fees and buying handouts and paying for brazillian hair. The mentality that the man must provide endlessly even whilst courting or he is called aka gum.
The problem starts from when the woman turns him into her pocket money machine and calls him maga.
Respect for her was lost a long time ago, but the man has to marry and out of all of them, she was the best cook and most decent.
Bad or good marriages did not start on the wedding day; they started during courtship. The seeds were planted a long time ago.

It is a major problem. Beyond Yoruba land in other cultures it is very very bad.

Go offline speak to the local man offline ask him why he won't share house chores with his wife and more often than not the answer would be " a woman I married with my money " it doesn't matter how high or low the amount is it is the significance.


Bride price doesn't serve any purpose in modern day, it had a purpose during our parents time

crackhaus:
I read all your posts on this thread till this point and eventually found what I was looking for.

The absolute truth is that no woman here would have been so comfortable having your opinions if they didn't do this before they got married, or if they're not planning to do as you did when the time comes (for the unmarried ones).

It's easy to see how a guilty person argues by trying to rationalize how it's the men that take the money or how it's just N5 naira bride price in some cultures...bla bla blabbity bla !!

At the end of the day, was a wedding/bride list not given to the groom and is he not expected to fulfill it?
Why is the bride not also given a list of things to buy for the man's uncles, aunties, kin, villagers, etc?

I'm not implying that doing all this makes the man feel he owns his wife, but by the time shiit hits the fan, all most men gon' be thinking is 'how dare this woman?'.... and that's what the subconscious does - the simplest gestures can be planted and it will steadily grow into a tree of motivations for and reasons why.




Ermmm, I kinda noticed that no one has liked any of your posts so far starting from the first....
Truth does irritate and sting.

Sadly we can shout men are bad and wicked from today till next year but if we don't address the root causes where we have some responsibility things won't change

PresVA:
Brideprice may not be of any significance, I agree... but saying it's a justifiable reason to why some men treat women as properties is just so absurd. ..

So because he paid some amount of money to some elders in your village, your rights as human have been stripped? He has completed acquired you and can treat you anyhow he deems fit? Really don't get you. .. not like anyone forced him to pay whatever . .. Brideprice in some places is as low as #100, so

A man who loves and respects you would treat you right regardless of how much he spends for your marriage rites. .. PLEASE LADIES, ANY MAN THAT FEELS HE CAN TREAT YOU ANYHOW HE WISHES BECAUSE OF SOME BRIDEPRICE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DOESN'T LOVE YOU. .PLEASE DON'T MARRY SUCH A MAN

Then, about abolishing brideprice. .go to a village and talk about that, the men are even the ones that oppose it, saying they paid brideprice to marry their wives so their in laws must pay brideprice too... if men are burdened by brideprice, they know what to do!

Considering your marriage, you were lucky to marry a good man and not cos he didn't pay your brideprice. ..

We can scream from today till next year if we don't start at the basics then we will never get it right.

Stop being bought like cattle if you don’t want to be owned and possibly maltreated.

You don't want to stop the tradition of men buying wives but you want to stop inequality. How can you be equal to someone who bought you