₦airaland Forum

See my problem with women, you make it seem as if you are incapable of making any work decisions or even familial ones.

If I ask why you are not married now I bet you don't know

If tomorrow he disappoints you, you will start claiming he used you to have kids, made you sacrifice your career and dumped you, threatening him with curses. Now you have the opportunity to make your own adult decisions on a relationship and your future you are out sourcing it.


What do you want?


Tell him what you want, discuss with him and reach a compromise. Stop acting so choiceless in a relationship

TooNoisy:
Thank you for this great response. It is very obvious the OP is childish and probably has marital issues for constantly boring us with this stupid topic.
@OP, kindly share how it is done in your home please. Are roles clearly defined in your home? We want to learn.

Okay this is unfair and undeserved. We all have different opinions and learn from each other calling the OP childish is not very nice.

I have a different view from some women here and we have been arguing with respect to each other, calling someone childish and insinuating she has marital issues because of this topic is not nice.

Again I say till we face up to our own roles in promoting traditions that subtly encourage inequality we won't achieve much.

Imagine a situation where a man and a woman enter into a marriage with both of them on equal footing, they both pay for the wedding, there is no bride price.

They both agree on bills and share bills Then it would be a given to share domestic roles also.

Forget all the social media English, a man who pays a woman's bride price especially those expensive ones expects so many things in return as value for money. That is the beginning of inequality.

We women no dey like truth especially if thr fingers are pointing back

misreal:
my dear this issue of bride price is one of the causes of domestic violence but not in all cases.for instance,if you buy a car worth twenty million dollars,arnt you suppose to cherish it and take good care of it?since u paid to own her,y dont u take care of her.but this is not the case.bride price should be stopped and proper VALUES instilled into children.because if a man sees women generally as slaves and finally gets married to a woman without paying a dime,he sees you as CHEAP SLAVE.i hope u get my drift

See my problem is the word " Cheap" why should a woman's value be monetised?

sweetcocoa:
It is tradition and tradition like you already know, is passed down from generation to generation for reasons that often don't make sense, so I can't tell you specifically why a certain people want to keep doing it.

Now what I'm saying is, not everyone follows this tradition. Where I come from, nobody cares about BP as it is solely your father's decision.

We can argue and defend this from today till next millienum but if we are serious about equality and abolition of traditional gender roles then we should start from the bride price very few men who pay for " a woman's head" will accept any equality with the woman or even agree to share traditional roles. Infact when a woman earns some of these men can claim she and everything she earns belongs to them.

If we are serious about equality then we should revisit these traditions that makes us hired or purchased properties.

Till then so many men won't take us seriously.

sweetcocoa:
What you fail to realise is that, not every woman's head was paid for.

Some families don't collect BP, some return it, yet this doesn't stop the men from misbehaving.

What's being discussed here has so little to do with BP and so much with how men are perceived/individuals.

Again I ask what is the significance of this in modern day? Our fore fathers did it for a reason, why are we still doing it?

bukatyne:
So what did you do/ what should women do?

Share and let others learn.

In my family, bride price is not collected. The husband is given an engagement list of things he needs to bring. The wife's family gives the husband's family gifts and handles the entertainment.

I know it is the elderly men in the bride's family that decides the BP.

cc: misreal

I told my father that I am against any sort of list or bride price. I explained the dangers to him in today's world. We debated and he came to my side. He declared no list or bride price, we simply did the ceremony and used the funds saved to build a life together

sweetcocoa:
Where do men pay 2 million to get married biko? When men that don't even have upto a million in their accounts are getting married every day.

Even if it is 10kobo in local lingo they say " he has paid for your head"

Quintee:
Are you a Nigerian? If so, which tribe? I ask because the average Nigerian isn't so open-minded to the extent of ignoring certain traditions.

I am Nigerian, if we are not open minded enough to ignore traditions that make us property how then do we demand equality and abolition of traditional roles

And this is why the fight for equality will not be won. On one hand we want the trappings a modern marriage and for men to be less domineering and abolition of traditional roles but on the other hand we are unwilling to let go of traditions that make the woman a domestic property.

What is the significance of bride price in the modern day? Our fore fathers did it in their time because it had significance as men needed women to do domestic chores and bear kids, today we say marriage is for companionship, why then does the man need to keep paying regardless of how cheap or expensive it still signifies ownership

bukatyne:
I do not think Bride Price is the reason because we have places where women pay dowries to their husbands and they are still treated as 'inequals'.

It is one of the reasons. Infact a major reason, a man pays almost N2 million in cash and materials to aquire a wife then he comes online to see women claiming that woman is his equal or that he is still supposed to do those roles he has " aquired " a wife to do.

Women need to take responsibility for our share in promoting inequality.

Those saying men collect the bride price yes they do but women are the ones who bare the brunt. Stand up and fight against it I did and I am enjoying the benefits of starting a home on an equal footing

Some men want traditional women some women want traditional men. They should find each other get married and save us all this plenty debate jare.

Some women will die before they let their husbands cook or even change a diaper while some men will object to their wives contributing to family upkeep.

Modern women should be modern through and through this starts with rejection of the payment of bride price. A man practically buys a woman from her family and community in some areas, I saw one list almost a million or more self, he has to pay the whole community to marry the woman, some women would be flattered by that not understanding the significance of the process. A man who pays all that and does all the list thing would have some sort of feeling of ownership, he is expecting a woman who will play traditional roles not after paying and spending that much to have a woman shouting equality.

We women have to start from the Genesis of the inequality ; rejection of bride price and wedding list. The man has also been trained by his parents, what then is the justification of paying her family off to marry her? A marriage both of them are supposed to enjoy and build together.


I have heard women say they can only support their family at their discretion same way men would say they can only support in house work at his discretion too

It is a two way streak. If a couple wants to have some level of equality then start from the beginning, share bills and share roles.

Two grown adults should sort their marriage issues out.

Poster if your topic gets to front page it cannot be modified.

Meanwhile you claimed the person was your cousin, now church member, tomorrow you will say na your husband.

Honesty is a good quality or at least try and keep up with your own lies

A few days ago Super and Power Minster Babatunde Raji Fashola claimed his kids were suffering the power failure and heat and covered in heat rashes.

Trust Nigerians to dig up pictures of his son " suffering "

You have a teenage househelp be ready to put up with teenage behaviour. This is how teenagers behave.

That she is engaged as a child labourer doesn't make her any less a teenager with raging hormones.

When you have a teenager these are issues you will deal with, best to have the " talk" and teach them about Abstinence or if they want to have s3x protection.

Bringing in her mother's s3xual history was unnecessary because this is typical teenage behaviour.

That is the problem, you people who want to avoid hiring adult and professional helps and decide to go with children do not want to deal with emerging teenage issues. You expect the workers to be zombies without emotions or hormones.

Teenagers act out it is an age and a stage, I acted out but with proper information and counselling I turned out well.

Siena:
[color=Blue]Thanks brother. [/color]

Sister

Talk about it and agree on it before marriage. We did and we had a wonderful blissful first year.

Talk and reach decisions on issues no pretence. We agreed on finances, who pays what bill, how we would operate a joint account, how much monthly we would both contribute, house chores, who does what, relatives, how long a visit can last and what is expected from the visitors so as not to stress any spouse. When we agreed on the our family constitution we had a wonderful first year full of romance and loving up. No drama

What intergrity

Happy birthday Sir

Blame the poster for the misleading headline. She is his ex wife not wife. They are divorced

You mentioned rent. Do you contribute to household expenses or do you let him carry all the burden.

A man who is weighed down by bills won't be happy and playful

In 2016 which woman sits and waits for N5000 weekly allowance?

Does she not work or have a business?

Should you not have a family expense account where these funds are drawn from and jointly contributed?

Was she not eating, using cream or doing her hair before she got married abi was she still depending on men to make that possible?

Nigerians Learn to financially plan your home even before you get married.

Who told you that you are married?

You claim to be smart yet you have seen the clear signs and you can't use your legs and run away you are asking what to do.

You are not even serious

I am so happy to read your update. Congratulations. Marriage is team work, with both partners doing what works best for them. Each should know and understand the others strength and weaknesses and see how they can work together to do better jointly.

All marriages are not equal or the same. I am happy you both have found what works for you. I am glad you didn't listen to those abusing your husband, We are funny people who are willing to tolerate abuse and cheating as long as a man provides. Not every man or woman is industrious as you have that gift the best thing and as you have done is to work with him to ensure cash keeps flowing.

Safe delivery

By your own admission he is a good husband in other areas, I suggest you maximise his competence in those areas and work out a way to keep the cash coming because it's obvious he won't take financial responsibility because he is one of those people who don't want to be financially responsible.


The major issues now are your rent and depleted savings. You are in a very sensitive part of your pregnancy and I suggest you stop worrying to avoid eclampsia.

Does your business require your physical presence? Can you do proposals and send him to follow up?

By your own admission he does all the other duties so it's really not an issue of being lazy but simply not being financially smart. For years women have done this and hidden under biblical injunctions, I believe everyone male or female should be financially responsible as well as domestically smart. I don subscribe to reporting him to people because most people hold thr view that a man must provide and will belittle him and mock him ignoring the fact that everyone and every marriage is unique and different.

I wish you had a business that could run even without you running around maybe a few contract or commissioned staff to do the running around while you work online to send in the bids.

Truth is you have to find a way round this yourself as I don't see your husband " changing " anytime soon

Same Guy different hustle.
Just a year ago he was matching for Jonathan, now he is Standing with Buhari and selling those Tshirts very fast and smiling to the bank.

I saw this on facebook today.

His name is Chinedu Okpalanma

byvan03:
Thanks for the mention. More help will come her way soon enough , will do what I can. May God preserve her life.

Thank you for the mention.

Away from the Girl's drama the red flag for me is that he is secretive.

If he is secretive about the little things then would he be open about his income, his health, his past, his family dynamics so you can plan a future?

Would you need to spend all your life snooping around before you can find things out.

He is okay discussing details with his cousins and friends but not with the women in his life. That for me is the read flag.

He doesn't trust or respect the women he is with enough to be honest and open.

A man with that mentality would rush and have a secret child or a secret family if you have challenges with conception.

Again for the rest of your life you would have to be constantly snooping to keep up with him.

Having an open relationship is 50 percent key to having a successful relationship.

As for the whole mess and love triangle I would not be personally comfortable with it, it rarely ends well. Marxxxx took a break first before even considering in future to date anyone that is what a honest person does. Don't get caught up in that triangle, he is not honorable. A lot of women are desperate and end up in bad situations writing for advice all over blogs don't be a statistic.


Ps you are not the " new" girl you are the other girl

taryour:
So the husband needs to be asked before he gives a helping hand A responsible husband doesnt need to be asked for help when it comes to home management. You sound like someone who wouldnt bulge until you are asked to.
And by the way need i remind you that mothers and wives are like that natually, its inbuilt. Either the men help or not we still get to put things in place, just that we tend to do so in different ways and pace.

God bless all women/mothers/wives and God bless the MEN in our lives.

Oh dear :

First of all I am a woman

Secondly you seemed to have missed my point ; being that women should stop overworking themselves when they have husbands who should help them doing nothing while there is so much to be done. She is not a single mother why should she have to do all that all alone when she should be asking her husband to take some of the tasks?

Sometimes we can like to be super women and end up tired, angry and bitter instead. You need help ask your husband, " Please do this and that while I do this and that"

OGA GO AND SEE A DOCTOR haba for years you have been taking all sorts of concoctions it hasn't worked yet you are ignoring the advice to see qualified doctors to get to the root of your problem and accepting advice on more concoctions to take. When you kill your kidney and liver you will come and be asking for funds on nairaland.

Nigerians STOP SELF MEDICATION AND SELF DIAGNOSIS. Go to a certified government hospital and see a Urologist. Stop running around like a headless chicken drinking all sorts. You confessed you have wasted so much on quacks yet you are ready to take different things recommended by nairaland " doctors and pharmacists "

Why does the mother want to wear herself out? Can't she ask her husband for help?

adapeter:
I have replied but pls don't rush to conclusions.People are going through life situations only thank God u never find yourself in a position to beg.life is not so easy.This time early lastyear I was in an office,today am beggin just for help till I birth.you don't know my sorrow dear,life is tough indeed.I am not a scammer,God forbid.

If Ifyways is willing to confirm your story I am willing to offer some support