₦airaland Forum

crackkhaus:
I told you before, sarcasm will not be able to deliver you here.


Since you can't read between lines, here it is again:

Oga I don't need your secret.

If that's how you show love, keep it up. It's not general.

Paul8000:
Good evening ladies and gents...

My name is Paul, I am married to my beautiful wife Vivian by name for the past 16 years . We have 5 wonderful children together Jemima 15, Isaac 12, Elizabeth 9, Samuel 6 and Tabitha 3. We are based in Liberia. We both are working and earning well by God grace. I have few issues with my wife that brought me here to get some advice.

Anytime my wife and I had some misunderstanding, she does involve the children. The oldest 3 she tells them everything including how I cheated on her, she also feed them with lies that I am a bad man and I want to kills her. She tells them so many things to make them hate me. They will disrespect and keeping malice with me to the extend of if I send them for errands, she will stop them and tell them not to go. No matter how much I shouted at them to go, they will not obey me because their mother has the final say. For example my wife and I are having some misunderstandings for over 3 weeks now, we are not talking or sleeping in the same room. I have tried to makes things works for us but she refused.

The children are also keeping malice with me. I sent Elizabeth to go and get some water for me, she obeyed and went to the kitchen, few moments later she came back empty handed staring at me in shock. I asked her what about the water she said her mother said I should go in the kitchen to get the water myself . At that moment I just couldn’t take it anymore I exploded in anger I went to the kitchen we had a heated arguments she pour water on me I really wanted to hit her so hard but I control my anger and walked away.

I left the house for 3 days to cool down. because I was so angry with her I just wanted to be alone. I then went home after 3 days,my 3 oldest children acted like they hadn’t seen me they were busy with their phone/ tablets and it was only my 2 youngest that were missing me they both hugged me like never before me. My youngest daughter refuse to leave my room she even slept in my room. I could see how much she misses me. My wife on her side acted like nothing too her normal behaviour as usual . For the sake of my 2 youngest children I sat her down and talked with her. How we should makes things better for the sake of our children especially the younger ones.

I have apologized to her on my knees all to no avail. I am tired of my wife turning my children against me they have becoming out of control ... I can’t correct them it pains me a lot to see my own children disrespecting me. I don’t want them to grow up and hate me all their life I want to have my family back. A happy home how we used to be before but my wife don’t want to cooperate with me I thought this lock-down will bring us together so we could sorted out our differences and fix our marriage to become better but all to no avail.

I am writing this sitting inside my car in the compound because I can’t even go inside the house because I have nobody to talk to my 2 youngest children that keeps me busy are asleep. I am so lonely all alone please how can I put an end to all this I am fed up ...

Anyone who has ever experienced something like this can you please advice me on how did you overcome this. I hope I was brief enough...

Obviously, you didn't spend time with your kids and let them get to know you also. How come your wife has the upper hand with them?

If you had invested your time with your children for the past 15years, their mother would not be able to fill their heads with nonsense because they know you for themselves.

But since you are a stranger to them, they will believe what the person they are familiar with tells them.

Men will leave all the parenting to their wives and later cry fowl and say their wives are poisoning the kids against them. Where were you when they were growing up?

crackkhaus:
Let me let you in on a little secret, free of charge...and this is from a good number of men including myself.

See, any man who easily moves on from conflict with his partner every single time without giving an attitude, needing an apology and acting like all is well, simply does not care about her enough to be hurt by her. It's not about maturity all the time, but genuine disinterest.
You can't really hurt someone who's not emotionally invested in you.

So while some women may go around believing that the man in their lives always apologizes and moves on quickly/swiftly from grudges, then go ahead to erroneously misconstrue this action as a depiction of his love and maturity...it usually comes as a rude shock to such women in the long run when he does something drastic which she was never expecting.

So you are saying that the true test of a man's love is when he puts up and attitude when offended?

And the ones that easily forgive do not love their woman.

This your secret is too fallacious to be valid.

My friend must be in the best marriage ever because her husband keeps malice with her and puts up an attitude like 3 weeks in a month. One week he is fine. He must really love her.

crackkhaus:
What will solve the matter na? Should he beg the wife to apologize or forget about the apology?

You sha thought sarcasm will deliver you here...
Three simple questions, you could not deal with head-on.

Just for you to admit that it's very IMMATURE to refuse to apologize, and that it's very important for peace to reign whether the wife feels an apology is necessary or not, na hin dey hard you so like hard shít.
And you people wonder why some men will choose to ignore you and your food...

A woman would have to be fashioned from white roses, scented dust, and a tinge of angelic essence, for her to open her mouth to say I'm sorry.
The thing dey hard una and every man who has lived with a partner knows this.

The lady Takosubo who you were hailing, was actually the only one who had the dispassionate ability to encompass the true situation in the OP... yet for some reason, the summary of her very long post which is an apology completely escaped your understanding.

It is both immature to refuse to apologize and using the silent treatment. Both are wrong.

However, the topic of discussion was silent treatment; refusing to eat or sleep at home like it is the only way to solve issues in marriage.

I have seen it destroy rather than build up in different couples and it's always better to talk through issues.

Besides, the issue is mostly when the guy is hurt and refuses to talk, but rather starts sulking around the house and using the silent treatment. And not when he talks about it and she still refuses to apologize. Either way, I honestly believe the silent treatment does more harm than good

crackkhaus:
Is not apologizing mature?

None is right.

anslem04:

Every lady keep chantin malice is childish as if no be the same head man take do pikin stil dey him head, most times ladies repeat what they've bin corrected for like a thousand times ... what you gurls play blind to is what if there as bin communication n still no changes
No wahala, you must av heard of this epilogue on jingos "offer last yle stock last". i av no ish with her been unbothered buh when the foodstuff finish & the house rent is due is either she pays or leave.

Is malice mature?

crackkhaus:
Let's start again, I'll number it this time so you don't confuse yourself.

1. A wife who has refused to apologize, is she displaying MATURITY?

2. When such a wife refuses to apologize even though she is in the wrong, what should her husband do?

All that your meandering story about how they have to meet halfway, or they have to find a way to resolve the issue, is much too abstract for my very realistic senses.

3. How should she be handled exactly?
Should she be begged to apologize, or should the apology be forgotten and everyone moves on?

Na simple queshons...

She should be dragged by the hair and forced to apologize.

Is that more clear for your "realistic" senses?

When you find the questions to your answer, let me know. Because I don't see how following up with silent treatment when a spouse refuses to apologize will solve the matter.

24kmagic:
I already told myself that that's what I'm going to do in any relationship or marriage I find myself. I don't have strength to talk or shout. I'm a cool headed unforgiving spirit guy.

Not only will I reject your food, I will also leave the house for you. I will just ignore you completely.

Women will do something to you sometimes and you'll just feel like battering her. Thank goodness I don't have that violent spirit. What I have is an "ignoring spirit."

I swear I no go even do like say you de exist.
I think keeping malice is something I'm somehow good at. It's not like I like it tho.

The unforgiving spirit destroys the carrier more than any one else. You imprison yourself by keeping people in your heart.

crackkhaus:
In summary, there's no need for anyone (husband or wife) to offer an apology even if they are in the wrong.
They should learn to overlook whatever happened and live with their partner's shortcomings/inability to apologize.

Thanks, that's all I wanted you to admit.

Admit what?

You draw a conclusion on your own and say it's what I admitted. Please point out where I said an apology isn't required.

How many men love their wives like Christ loved the church?

They treat their wives without consideration and expect submission. The submission is not automatic. If a man loves his wife the way the Bible describes, they won't be clamouring or demanding for submission from her.

crackkhaus:
When a wife insists & refuses to apologize, what happens?

They have to look for a way to resolve their issues. They decided to come together and live with each other's flaws and short comings. It may be that one of them takes offence easily and the other doesn't see why little things should cause that kind of reaction. They have to meet halfway.

But silent treatment has never made things better. It only breeds contempt and prolongs the matter till it blows up in their faces. The root of it is, ego.

These days, family don't always side the man at the detriment of the wife anymore. Both of them need to make their marriage work. It's not the woman's job alone.

Richy4:
You know this whole thing is a mind game.. it's just for the spouse to feel guilty based on what has transpired. I know what you were talking about but those species of ladies who will be happy that their spouse went else where to eat.. forsaken her own food is not common. Even at that my sis, Every man knows their spouse weaknesses.. and can use it.. so also the women knows whom they married and can tell one or two things that can make the man come begging.. I know that lots of women does silent treatment more in a relationship... And that draws the man to her to know how to calm her..and reconcile the problem.

The silent treatment method has been overused so much that it has become weak. Not every woman will be threatened by refusal to eat, no sleeping at home or side chick.

If a grown man prefers to sulk and behave like a child instead of talking to his wife, then he should be ignored till he recovers or scolded like a child

24kmagic:
What happened to her learning how not to hurt me? Cos I know that most of the issues we'll have will come from her

Your expectations are the issue. If you are looking for someone that will never hurt you, marry an angel

crackkhaus:
It's funny how you quoted her post twice but failed to see the sentence about how an apology is very necessary and should not be that hard so couples can move on.

She was actually the only female here that had enough sense to state that an apology is very necessary for all parties involved i.e dealing with the root problem instead of just the reaction to the problem.

But perhaps you can humour me with an answer to the question below... maybe by some miracle, you won't go on an emotional tirade for being called out...

So in your own opinion, is a wife acting MATURE for refusing to apologize, or does your sermon about MATURITY only take effect when a frustrated husband decides to emotionally manipulate his wife into getting the apology he deserves?

But you didn't notice where she said if he decides to use the silent treatment, she'd ignore.

Apologising isn't the issue when they wife knows she has wronged. But when the guy decides to go silent instead of talking issues out, that's where there is a problem.

Takotsubo:
I think it's important to know your spouse 100% before acting this film out.


Don't eat? Fine.I only offer once if it's me doing the cooking on the day.If you say no on day one,I will not offer again. I'm not bothered by eating in restaurants,please buy extra for me.

Silent treatment? I grew up with this one so if you refuse to talk,I keep quiet as well as long as it takes till you're ready to undo what you've started.

Say no to sex? Lots of toys to use.
Some of us are not moved by threats of chick outside either.


My father did everything written here..

He would refuse to eat and my mum would run round,cajoling ,then in turn she would become miserable.

He also was skilled at giving the silent treatment..

There's no form of manipulation I didn't witness so essentially,I've seen it all .

In the beginning of marriage, I could actually go on to the point where it was detrimental to me just to put make a point.

My husband realised this quickly when he tried not eating and silent treatment and I responded in kind,unbothered.

2,3 trials with same result then both of us realised it was pointless.

We stopped it in the same first year of marriage when my husband sat us down and discussed the aim of our marriage..we agreed we love each other and noted that our pattern of behaviour was childish and destructive.

Years and years later ,this holds true.No arguing or shouting .

Isn't an argument mostly about 2 people seeing things differently?

You can appreciate another person's point of view,you don't have to agree with it and you can pass this information across without resorting to bad behaviour.


Once voices start to raise,one person usually says : Hey,you are starting to shout and I'm sorry I cannot listen to it and I'll come back.later when we can talk better.

Apologising to each other isn't that hard..Both can say sorry and move on.

What's the point in all the emotional manipulation?

Life is already complicated as is,it's pointless to punish each other for no just cause.

Being married in itself can be incredibly difficult to navigate for even the best behaved and loving couple,problems could spring up even with the best intentioned ones..

Battle of wills doesn't go well if you do not know the length your spouse is willing to go.

24kmagic
wjxavier

Look at how mature people deal with issues and make their marriage work.

All those mind games and struggle for power is plain silly.

24kmagic:
Lol
I don't think I'll have any problem with that, as long as I'm away from her.
When the food is finished, she'll restock.

And what good would that do you and the marriage?

Everytime you feel hurt, you refuse food and stay away and continue the cycle till you are old?

What happened to talking?

Takotsubo:
I think it's important to know your spouse 100% before acting this film out.


Don't eat? Fine.I only offer once if it's me doing the cooking on the day.If you say no on day one,I will not offer again. I'm not bothered by eating in restaurants,please buy extra for me.

Silent treatment? I grew up with this one so if you refuse to talk,I keep quiet as well as long as it takes till you're ready to undo what you've started.

Say no to sex? Lots of toys to use.
Some of us are not moved by threats of chick outside either.


My father did everything written here..

He would refuse to eat and my mum would run round,cajoling ,then in turn she would become miserable.

He also was skilled at giving the silent treatment..

There's no form of manipulation I didn't witness so essentially,I've seen it all .

In the beginning of marriage, I could actually go on to the point where it was detrimental to me just to put make a point.

My husband realised this quickly when he tried not eating and silent treatment and I responded in kind,unbothered.

2,3 trials with same result then both of us realised it was pointless.

We stopped it in the same first year of marriage when my husband sat us down and discussed the aim of our marriage..we agreed we love each other and noted that our pattern of behaviour was childish and destructive.

Years and years later ,this holds true.No arguing or shouting .

Isn't an argument mostly about 2 people seeing things differently?

You can appreciate another person's point of view,you don't have to agree with it and you can pass this information across without resorting to bad behaviour.


Once voices start to raise,one person usually says : Hey,you are starting to shout and I'm sorry I cannot listen to it and I'll come back.later when we can talk better.

Apologising to each other isn't that hard..Both can say sorry and move on.

What's the point in all the emotional manipulation?

Life is already complicated as is,it's pointless to punish each other for no just cause.

Being married in itself can be incredibly difficult to navigate for even the best behaved and loving couple,problems could spring up even with the best intentioned ones..

Battle of wills doesn't go well if you do not know the length your spouse is willing to go.

Unfortunately, the OP and most guys here think it's about mind games, emotional manipulation and a struggle for dominance/power.

Even the one who keeps the malice and refuses to eat, have sex or sleep at home is not at rest until it is settled.

It is really foolish to live that way. Anyone who wants their marriage to work will abandon such tactics and handle things more constructively.

Richy4:
You know, It's really easy to say that a sensible man will attack the food ...But when a man was in that "deep heated fellowship" with his spouse, and he got that lady/wife that runs her mouth 120km per min,... u know the type that talks without swallowing saliva ,U won't remember any thing sensible.. The only sensible thing most remembers was to leave the house and cool off somewhere outside the house ... because if u remain there, u might damage something.. and u can't damage what u love.

When the man is calm and back, eating the food presented will depend on the level of his displeasure.Especially when there was no closure yet .... Dignity and respect can never be bought in a convenient store... lots of us has learn how to fix something for ourselves in the kitchen, some goes to the restaurant and eat, few who love homemade food that can't stand restaurant meal and can't cook has learn to chew toothpick but just to make it look like they have had something just to upset the mrs.

There's nothing childish about not wanting to eat... It is a choice...If ladies sees that as being childish, It's like beating up a child and still preventing him/ her from crying...U upsets someone, instead of a proper apology, u said honey dinner is ready, or in some cases they send the kids to go and tell their father that dinner is ready... No now... You have to follow due process A man should treat his wife nicely and a woman should not forget to do the same.. apologize when necessary.

What if the wife is not moved by the man refusing to eat but rather glad not to stress in the kitchen? Probably one that doesn't really enjoy cooking.

What if he has the type of wife that goes to bed and snores away and not worry herself if he comes home or not?

And also the type that would take refusing to have sex as a break?

There are women like this that won't let things bother them and wait for whenever the husband is ready to communicate his feelings properly.

How will such a man cope when he sees that his tantrums and being ignored?

24kmagic:
I already told myself that that's what I'm going to do in any relationship or marriage I find myself. I don't have strength to talk or shout. I'm a cool headed unforgiving spirit guy.

Not only will I reject your food, I will also leave the house for you. I will just ignore you completely.

Women will do something to you sometimes and you'll just feel like battering her. Thank goodness I don't have that violent spirit. What I have is an "ignoring spirit."

I swear I no go even do like say you de exist.
I think keeping malice is something I'm somehow good at. It's not like I like it tho.

And how does that even help the marriage. It doesn't even bother women like it used to. Some women, like my friend, will just leave bread on the fridge for you and not bother herself cooking till you recover. Her husband has learned to talk, seeing that not eating her food even makes her happy not to stress herself in the kitchen.

Malice is childish, and refusing to eat or coming home is pointless and foolish. Imagine refusing to eat the food you pay for or staying in the house where you pay rent while the person you are trying to pepper is eating the food and lying comfortably in the house. Chai!

And become extra baggage to him. He needs to sort himself out without an extra mouth to feed.

Besides, that is not a comfortable place to stay in

purpinkx:
The problem most humans have is seeing things in extremities, black and white, no middle ground.

[Some] Rich people [I've met] are greedy.
[The] Women [I've met] are wh°res.
[The] men [ I allow into my life] are dogs.

Etc.

We don't like to use the words in the brackets because it exposes something about us, and it makes our argument invalid.

I saw a research on coaches and training facilities.

Edit. Thank you Yaronorthside.



According to the research, when a coach, for some reason, likes a player and ‘thinks’ that they can go far in life, the coach gives them more training opportunities, corrects them constructively, freely offers useful tips and tricks, as well as become interested in their progress.

The player feels encouraged and, most times, becomes successful.

However, if the coach, for some reason, doesn't like a player and ‘thinks’ they don't have what it takes to be successful, he doesn't invest( or ’waste’) his time on the player. After all, they'll be no good.

Subconsciously, the player picks up on this and behaves accordingly. A few see it for what it is, do all they can to prove the Coach wrong, and they succeed.

A real life scenario. There's this shop I usually Barb at. There are two barbers in the shop, but I like one more than the other.

Even if the barber I like makes a mistake in my hair, I still feel dope AF. But, the other barber could give me a clean hair cut, maybe even better than that of the barber I like, and I'll feel my confidence drop until the hair grows back. I even had to get the barber's number so I'll schedule a haircut with him before going to the shop.

It is what it is, we are humans and we all have biases.

Could it be that you are projecting your expectations of these people on them? Or that you're attracting what you think of?

This is an intellectual angle. Probably too high for the OP.

Most people tend to conclude only based on their limited experiences probably brought about as a result of who they are and who they attract.

mrblessed:
There is always a contrived fuss when a man is at the receiving end, but if it is a woman, it suddenly becomes the man's obligation. You have got two problems: a man who is the breadwinner of his family and his seemingly endless borrowing disposition.

My instinct tells me that, you resent his family's financial standing and, of course, will latch on any spurious reason to bolt. More so, the bleating of bimbos of Nairaland are united -- as always -- in an overwhelming demand for termination of the relationship. Be my guest!

No matter how you try to twist the grammar, the truth remains that she is carrying more than what she should.

Is it only the man that has a family?Why can't he be upfront with them and tell them he doesn't have the funds?

Instead, he is borrowing from his girlfriend to put up a front and act like he has at her own expense. Even making her feel like she's not doing enough...feeling entitled to her money.

Saintmary:
OMG!!!!
At 24, already feeding a man and his entire family

She is the breadwinner

SweetCunt97:
I was once in this boat once upon a time, I chose to dive into the sea abandon ship... I hate stress in my life abeg. This one siblings reach 9 sef but he had a good job as a banker then sha... Salary no dey reach half of month e don finish.

Abeg parents should stop popping out many kids and stressing firstborns o.

This one is even lastborn

Descorts:
We started as friends. We were so close she could do anything for me and I could do anything for her.

She had a boyfriend who was a serial cheat and treated her like trash. It got to a point they broke up and he left. She was heartbroken.

I gave her my shoulders to lean on. I was there for her throughout those turbulent times and made sure she was never sad again.

She moved on. 2 months on we started dating. It was all fun and rosy. I'm not the type to fall deeply in love or should I say, women don't tickle my fantasy, I'd rather be with my goons than be with any girl.

But this girl came into my life and I don't know what she did to me to make me so in love with her. I loved her, she loved me. It was a heaven made match and a relationship anyone would wish for. On my birthday she got me a really expensive gift and I fell even more for her.

3 months on, her birthday was close and I was planning to make it special for her. Then I heard her ex came back in town, I wasn't troubled, "she loves me so much and she won't bat an eyelid for him anymore" I thought.

And then it happened. She left me for her ex who came back for her. I heard from a reliable source that before he came back, they'd been communicating online and the guy told her he's coming to take her back and he did take her from me.....

I am broken.....
I shall rise again in no time, and when I rise... I AM GOING TO BE A HEARTLESS MONSTER.
These hoes... non virgins or virgins, young or old, I shall toy with their emotions and break them....

GAME ON

Cliché.

Being the knight in shinny armour for a girl that just got heartbroken. Falling in love and trying to do better than the ex. It never ends well. I don't know why people keep falling for it.

You will be fine.

emonis88:
Lol! When life wants to happen it doesn't care about ur upbringing or relationship with people or status! Let dat b my parting shot to u bye.

We are seeing things from different angles and we don't have to agree. To you, a guy that is already made MUST run into financial difficulties. And I am saying it is not a MUST that all made men run into financial difficulties.

I won't shift on my point and neither will you, so let's move on.

sisisioge:
Lol...I was over stretching it at 50k with 4kids! People should just learn to manage themselves within their finances.

Someone I knew already had three children. Her husband is a driver and she brings in very little. And she was looking for a fourth child. Now they are 4 sharing the same income.

Anytime I see them, I am so angry with her because they look unkempt, dirty, old clothes. Something they could have avoided. When I even have something to give her, I start thinking of how it will go round.

OlawaleBammie:
Wat if someone marry with dat 20k and decide not to hav more than one kid just in proportionality to his pocket??

Dont b insensitive, poor people also need hapines, the need partners, the need companions, they need companies. Its just that many of dem dont apply brain as at wen due.

Been poor is not a crime but not doin wat u ought to do as at wen due is ignorance.

Earning small is not a problem, the problem is lack of management.

Yoruba adage says "bowo eku semo lo se n fi yunju mo" meaning as mouse palm take small na hin hin dey manage use am scratch hin face"

Earning small doesnt translates to everlasting singlehood theorem, its just dat u should knw how to manage ur resources pending the tym tins turns around.

If u re earning 20k, do ur mini marriage and give birth to one kid and stop for a while pending.....

With God on ur sides tins wil pan out good and u can start adding to ur kids like eku eda

It's not being insensitive. Getting married is not a competition. Some will go ahead and get married on that salary with no other source of income and to a woman that has absolutely no financial imput.

Please tell me how 20k will sustain them especially if a baby comes months after....hospital Bill's, baby needs, etc.

Such people get frustrated, helpless and desperate. Meanwhile getting married at that time was not mandatory. Some things could have been put in place

K

sisisioge:
It's really a sorry case. No sense of self responsible at all even in healthy young men and women. It even gets scarier when people of little means get married, have children and then rely on the general public to help cater for the family! If everyone struggling were to resort to begging, then there would be no one spared. It is well jare....so well!

You will still see people on this forum advising them to marry with 20k salary. They will even give a breakdown of how the money can be managed.

sisisioge:
It should be banned or at the least relegated to a particular thread or session. I find it totally disheartening. This sense of begging has been taught to kids too...there is a particular boy on my street that is always stalking anyone for money for food. Funnily, the boy is always eating puffpuff, chinchin or anything before walking to someone with a puppy face asking for alms. It is well jare...it is really well.

The first thing I ask such children is "where are your parents".

Some of them are out there on their own without their parent's knowledge. While some others, their parents are aware. For the former, the parents are still to blame for letting their children out their sight.

Whichever case, I usually don't encourage it by giving them. I ignore

emonis88:
Now u r calling me names. I not replying u to attack, but it seems u don't want to b realistic or d realism of d matter we r talking about, ur imagination has not grasped. Being broke having levels is from a persons perception. Go n tell an average man on d streets of Nigeria that there r levels of being broke n he il tell u that that rich guy is not broke yet. When he is he il know.

Oh so you are noticing the fact that I called you a name but didn't notice that you have been throwing shades and insulting me and I didn't respond to them.

We cannot both agree because we are seeing things from different perspectives based on our relationships with people or upbringing. So let's realize that and move on

iammo:
that's the problem with the informal sector, you cant really calculate for them.. they earn what they earn based on efforts the put into the work daily but for the formal sector its a fixed income... 400k is about 13k a day, some earn more than that others earn less

Even of everyone is talking about how good they earn, but they won't drop their "not good paying" jobs to be bricklayers, vulcanizers, etc.