₦airaland Forum

^^^^This is why you should send your children to school!

TV01:
@ Kungiya hi,

I often say that when people embark on a course of action they should be sure of their aims and aware of the potential consequences.

You are in a marriage covenant, what long-term outcome do you desire? Many are implicitly advising you to adopt an aggressive stance. Do you really think your marriage will be happy or even survive long-term if it contains two “warring parties”?

Outcomes. Approach this as not just about you, or about your husband, but about the long-term outcome of your marriage union.

Do you know that the dynamic between you and your husband affects the development and disposition of your unborn child? Outcomes. This should be a time of great joy and expectation. Your firstborns arrival is imminent. Please don’t miss out.

Many are counseling you not to beg. Even the worldly know that when it comes to engendering harmony in relationships – let alone the apex human relationship of marriage – pride should be the last thing in view. Even TLC knew to sing “I ain’t to proud to beg”.

Am I saying beg? Not as such, what I am saying is “humble yourself”. Approach your husband (how and when is peculiar to the dynamic between you. Please consider the best way and time to broach this).

Always be conciliatory and quick to settle issues in a humble manner. It will warm his heart and help erode some of his “male inflexibility”. . Part of your commitment to each other is to help one another be  “perfect” . See how the duration and amplification of this incident is troubling you?

Again I will not want to put words into your mouth, but at the time – as soon as feasible -  of dialogue (just the two of you), let your husband know that you want to be the best wife, and you need his support. You want yours to be the best marriage, and you know the two of you together can achieve it. You may have had a similar conversation before – if so, then please revisit it.

Regards the “slap”. Let him know your feelings – how sensitive you are, how hurt etc. – and that violence has no place in your home and will be destructive. Commit to putting out violence on your side and ask him to do the same.

Violence towards one’s spouse is abhorrent. But please place this in context. Handled correctly, it could be both an isolated incident that occurred early in your marriage and a platform for a deeper understanding between you and your husband.

Now about your husband. You are wondering  why he is behaving as if he was the one that got slapped. That’s because in a way he did. He see’s himself as the head of “his” home. Your reporting him to your brother and his sister and their taking him to task over this was an “ ego slap”.

Perhaps he mistakenly thought you were reporting him to your brother when he lashed out? Wrong response, but he is hurt. His position and authority have been questioned. No man likes to be made to feel like a “small boy” in his own home. 

Please, except in extreme case always try and contain incidents between yourself and your husband to just the two of you in the first instance. Outcomes. Remember, always be your husbands staunchest and most loyal supporter.

Without detail of the original misunderstanding, or hearing your husbands record of events, I’ve tried to counsel you in a constructive way. If you are a woman of faith, please take this and any other concern you have to God in prayer. Even before coming to NL sef!

Apologies for the long post.

I wish you speedy resolution and a long and fulfilling marriage.

Best
TV

Oga TV, you don fck up with this your thesis una! Your advise is shameless and deeply disappointing. Do you have a sister? A man slapped his pregnant wife and you're going on and on about his fragile ego and some inchoate but surely stu-pid notion of "outcomes"! This is how women get beaten to death! Maybe that's a good "outcome" for you! I hope you don't beat your own wife and then expect her to keep it to herself because "No man likes to be made to feel like a “small boy” in his own home"! Which kind of men are you referring to here? Those aren't men! Those are suckling infants that shouldn't be married to a woman in the first place! Abeg, comot jor!

obowunmi:
Annie was waiting for the mighty works of a babalawo.

And then she cried as if something good just happened to her! Wasn't she the same one that was beaten by Pero's thugs while she was pregnant? What are they going to do to her now that she has the ring? Kill her?

God save us from generational curses oh! Tuface is a dog in both the literal and figurative senses. What exactly was the Annie woman waiting for? She no get mother or family?

Na wa oh! But no amount of precaution will stop a determined thief in that lawless country. My mum was robbed at gunpoint of her phones, laptop, jewelry and cash on 3rd Mainland Bridge in the middle of rush hour traffic in broad daylight! Not one single person stopped or called the police. I heard that one of those LASTMA vehicles passed and didn't stop! Lawless, wicked country.

I hope she sent them back!

Kungiya, from what you've told us so far, you did the right and wise thing:

1) You let your own brother know and he put your husband in check
2) You let his own family know so they can caution him

Now that your husband knows that you won't tolerate any form of physical violence and now that both families know about the first slap, he will think twice before hitting you again. He absolutely has no right to hit you. He should be ashamed of himself!

With regards to what you must do to restore your marriage to its former sweetness? I honestly don't know. I'll leave this to experienced ladies to give you some insight into that. I trust Madam CC will show up soonest with some gbam! advice.

9lifes:
You are wrong.This is what i am currently facing right now,and this is just part of the whole thing.And i wish i dey dat creative to be a script writer,but far from it.

Men the thread done turn ipad thread, na cheating or something like that cos am too, lol.

@moremi2008
I don observe the way you dey ginger anyhow when woman talk comes up.Well,this is an online environment you can be anything you want to be.Na people like you dey fall in love anyhow.Imagine how the ipad thing keeps coming up again and again, i may be wrong.

For those that are still contributing,thanks for your points.I have more questions than answers.I thought when people find out about affairs like this they get really mad.i mean fight,scream or something to make a point,I was totally speechless.I had high expectations you know,i bragged about her strength and all that,but she fall my hand scatter.I have forgiven her,but the damage has been done. i don't think it will ever get normal again,i am not sure its worth sticking around.She has really been a very good friend,i just don't know what went wrong.

Moving on is not going to be easy.I have problem with trusting people and its getting worse.It's not going to be easy trusting another girl,or putting so much effort into something that may disappear one day-i may be reacting.But beyond this point,its really going to be different.

But one question first,why do most women, even married women encourage double dating for young ladies?It's always ok as long as it's a lady involved. Pls, it's just an observation within my small sphere,don't get me wrong.Keep your options open (aka double date) is the normal slogan now.

It's time to keep my own open too,like wide open.If you want to be with someone go all out for them or just stay away.if you can't totally trust,just have fun and let them have fun too, just saying.

You're dumber than I thought! Are you even reading your own thread to understand the genesis of the iPad talk? So nah the stupid, irrelevant iPad talk you fit comment on? Misplaced priorities, much?!  Now that you have officially pissed me off, I think it's high time you heard the unvarnished truth.

You are an unfortunate excuse for a man! While you were slaving away for your post-grad certificate in Gynecological Hygiene, your woman spread her legs open for another man for 5 whole months, she recorded every detail via email exchanges and then sent you the password to her email account so you can read all about it. Even while this woman's congo was being mercilessly shined by her "friend", your poor mother was sending pounded yam to her office, happy that she had found a daughter-in-law for her mugu son!

And what did you do, oh great FOOL? First, you jacked-off to every titillating detail in the emails and then came to Nairaland to ponder your love and devotion to a slut that any virile man would have sent packing ages ago! You ARE the definition of mugu and your DNA can be traced back to the very first mumu in the history of humankind! A fcking disgrace to manhood!

Now roger this and then come back with another iPad insight! Dundee United to the power of googol!

Wrong section!

Get a maid and a driver, chikena! Why are you complicating life unnecessarily.

My father has passed away. However, were he alive, I would do it for 10 million dollars. 10 million naira is too small to risk getting cursed.

ftmom:
This section continues to get very interesting but I want your opinion . . . . .  I suspect a lot of these stories are just that - stories, real make-believe. What do you think?


Just to clarify - I mean the relationship stories like "draft game"  "lazy wife with kids not in school" etc.

The "draft game" is sarcastic. But the "lazy wife" story appears true. The ladies in this section (e.g. Aunty Big-Head Jenny) are pretty good at sussing out fairy tales.

ronkebp:
Gbam!!!!!! very very petty, baby!!! boooooo booobooo!!! taataa!!! Nonsense. I really don't like men that keep marlice, it so gets on my nerve, i am the marlice type of girl, if my hubby offends me, i really do not want to talk to him, but he will never allow it, never ever!!!!, we have never had any misunderstanding that lasted more than 1 day, because he will so be on my case, there was this night i had a misunderstanding with him and i decided not to sleep on the bed with him, i did not go to the other room either, because he would come and sleep in that room too, i went to the living room, to lie on the sofa, do you know he came down and slept on that same chair with me, i was soo angry but he did not leave me ooo, stubborness no make me go to the bedroom, i remained on that chair and he remained too, we were there till the morning, then my whole body began to ache bad, because of the way we squeezed ourself on to that sofa, since then, no matter how i want to leave the bedroom, i remain there, and infact it does not even last to the bedroom hours, it just doesn't.

Your husband sounds like me. I HATE MALICE! I can't even keep it for a few hours. I'll get in your face with jokes and forced hugs until you give it up! I just hate malice (although I have a hot temper oh!) LOL

Ujujoan:
Yes oh oga moremi, I'm a muscular hairy man . . .  and you bought your gf a 'red ipad'! ROTFLMAO    

People like you annoy the heck out me! Why on earth would I lie about giving someone an iPad! Even market women in Naija have iPads for goodness sake! Abeg, comot jor and go breastfeed your imaginary baby.

Ujujoan:
ROTFLMAO    

Abeg I no send bad belle people jare . . .    

Me, upset ke? Abeg o, why should I be? I just wonder why you are acting like a child. Dey there dey call me aunty, you fit don reach to born me sef!

First of all you claimed you bought a 'red ipad' . . .  someone called you out on that and then you claimed it was the pack that was red! As if the girl cannot change her ipad pack.

Please spare us the 'real story', we all know it's a big lie. Grow up please!

Grandmother Uju, abeg believe what you want! I don't give two fcks!  

For all we know, you might be a muscular hairy man in real life forming brand-new mum on the internet!   Baby ko, bread ni!

chaircover:
Three kisses to you Tessy. You are my kind of woman

I sometimes suffer from lower back pain and after katakata (especially the ones that I cause) and my hubby is giving me the go your own way o! silent treatment, I will just start feigning limping and making a big show of trying to rub my back with robb in front of him until he says oya bring it let me rub it for you . . . .and the rest is history

Chineke! See ogbon iwe! Poor Mr CC stands no chance with this kin strategic maneuvering!

9lifes:
Most of the guys here are on the same page.Men i fear the devil in me ooh, I am not sure i want to take that path.
I hope no be me u dey call mugu? because if na me,u are describing the wrong person.We are both independent people.She hardly ask for anything and that's one aspect of her life i love.I don't spend any how cos i got a lot on my table,so its either you deal with it or u bounce.This is my first serious relationship,and i had a lot of expectations.well poo happens, Right now,i am channeling all my energy into my postgrad, no time,when my head is cool i'll face the matter squarely.

From what i have seen in most relationship around,the cheating,games,double dating e.t.c .,they are just chain reactions of what  lack of trust can do, or something like that.People just want food wey don done,no body wants to build,and when someone is trying to be good,people just take them for granted.

We are all angels until we are caught, na the pattern.

Sorry, but I don't buy your philosophical nonsense. You love her because she doesn't ask you for anything considering the significant strains on your finances? That's a poor excuse for loving a woman and if this is the reason why you're staying in the relationship, then you're in for a long and bumpy ride.

I just re-read your posts about how you found out she cheated and all I can do is shake my head in disgust. Bros, this woman isn't your future wife. She doesn't love you but can't let you go because you're her most serious prospect. Instead of walking away honorably, she decided to cheat on you and leave the ball in your court. That's EXACTLY why she gave you her password without getting rid of all the damaging evidence. How else can a woman communicate to you that she doesn't want to be with you anymore without actually dumping you? It's like she wanted to torture you, get you really angry and force you to break-up with her! She made you read through ALL her email exchanges with this guy for chrissakes! It wasn't even a one-night stand but a full-blown love affair that lasted months! Were both of you still talking and telling each other "i love you" while the affair was going on? And you're still whining about staying with her? Where is your pride, for God's sake?! If this isn't mugu, I honestly don't know what is.

I suspect that the real problem here is that you're the sort of laid-back guy that values stability and avoids embarrassment. Once you find a "good-enough" or "stable" thing, you want to stick with it by force. You have gotten used to this woman, your family loves her, she was your girl while you were away for post-grad and you can't imagine starting all over and potentially becoming the butt of your friends' jokes. Unfortunately, even the best laid plans often go awry. The sooner you accept this, the better. This woman has absolutely no regard for you or for your family. If she did, she would never have started a love affair with another man while still eating your mother's food and telling you lies on the phone.

Bros, you're going to have to man-up big-time. I know it's painful and heartbreaking but things will get better if only you give it time. You will meet somebody else that will love, cherish and value you. Like they say, it's better to have a bad relationship than to have a bad marriage. With this woman, you will always be afraid that she'll leave you for another man and there's is no point continuing the relationship.

c.fours:
how old is she? what does she do at her mother's place?
is she educated herself?


-----

nevermind. I just looked through this guy's profile

I think that lady has mental issues. She's perhaps overwhelmed by the hustle of married life (hence why she runs to her mother's house everyday).

@OP - you had better leave the internet to go face your wife!

Aunty Jenny, you need to go back and re-read my post. Although I think an iPad is relatively expensive (from a value stand-point), I never said an ipad was expensive in my post. Nah simple reading comprehension, haba!

chika98:
LMAOOO! Okay that was funny. NL stays cracking me up.

Ha haaa did you really? You don't sound like someone who got over her quickly. Anyway on the issue of red ipad; an iPad cover you should say not a "red iPad" per se because Apple doesn't make colored Ipads.

Yes, it hurt like hell but nothing dulls pain like a rebound partner. We men know how to ignore unwanted emotions and thankfully, my family members knew better than to keep bringing her up.

And why is this relevant to Nairaland?

armyofone:
hmmmmm,

singing, i wanna dance with somebody who loves mmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

eating my nicely cooked moin moin and jollof 

You eat too much! That's why you are still an army of one at your advanced age!

This thread will be a lot more useful if its scope were narrowed down either public or private secondary schools. There is a vast gulf between these two types of secondary schools and it's a bit futile to make comparisons between the two.

PS - I am not an educator (the only teaching I have ever done is schooling the useless goats on NL on basic common sense)

Ujujoan:
@ moremi, you cant't help casting yourself abi? Why cant u tell a story without making an a55 of yourself? You buy ipad 'and other expensive items' and then? Na new thing? Besides d story doesnt make sense. The girl could have claimed she changed d pink pack herself. And if she kept contact with her ex, then u are the spare not him. If he had shown d seriousness you showed, she would have dumped u for him so stop decieving yourself. I dont blame her o, u must be really stuck up im person!

Aunty Uju, you seem really upset! Aren't you supposed to be pregnant and lactating? Don't worry, you shall remained pressed, oppressed and upset by my success! If you don't like my stories, then set your hairdryer to "high" and get into a warm, bubble bath with it. I don't fcking care.  

I can't be bothered with giving you a detailed account of how I caught her (you're just not worth the effort) but just let it suffice to say that I am a wizard at interrogation and there was no way she could escape my logical dismantling of her hocus-pocus. Thank Baba God I realized I was the spare and quickly moved on. Too bad her main guy is now engaged to another woman. She played the game, failed miserably at it and got burnt.   Me? I licked my wounds in private and found me a beautiful rebound honey to rock me to sleep at night. I forgot that woman in a matter of weeks!

Poverty

ileobatojo:
I hate to call him a mugu sha o, but he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Nothing wrong IMO with forgiving a cheating partner (in some instances) and I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt but after reading the details he posted, I now have insights into the type of person she is and I’m sorry but it ain’t pretty.

Many of these Lagos/ABJ runs girls end up married oh and guess the type of guys they marry? Guys exactly like the OP that can't think with their hearts and heads at the same time! Captains save a ho! God forbid bad thing!

Lies!

Bros, there are deeper issues with your wife and your marriage than what's happening with the kids. If your wife can't even be bothered to take her own children to school, even after you have reprimanded her, then she just doesn't give a fck about life anymore and is probably about to divorce you. So what does she do when she gets to her mother's place? Watch Africa Magic? Chineke! Me I never see this kind situation before oh! These are her children, for crying out loud!

Some women just like to play with fire. Once a man stops eating your food, it means that there's serious fire on the mountain. To be honest, that woman's marriage is practically over. She let it go on for 3 weeks?! 21 days? At this point, it doesn't even matter whether the man is right or wrong. The fact that she didn't try to resolve the conflict or seek help from family elders means that she doesn't really care about the marriage or her husband. So she doesn't want to beg? Then she should be making plans to be divorced soon. What does she think her husband has been doing this past 3 weeks? Making plans!!! She shouldn't be surprised if she wakes up tomorrow and there are thugs in the house to bundle her out.

No amount of words will make a mugu see the light. A mugu is always a mugu! As for me oh, there is no amount of begging a woman can do to make me take her back after she slept with another man! I will only take her back on the condition that she brings me the head of the guy she slept with in a gold-plated calabash!

Sisi_Kill:
Haba! You guys now! Why did you hafta go and ruin a good thing?

This thread was by far one of the most interesting threads on NL in ages!

Sheath your swords please or twill be time out in the corner for y'all!

I mean it!!

My sword is always ready to conquer naughty pussycats!

On a serious note, this is just an inevitable part of internet discourse. Besides, the topic is already beaten to death; nothing left to do but to play and fight!

sunkoye:
@moremi. it may and may not be a sign of Jesus, but what of the state readiness for disaster management if a deadlier storm hit Lagos. then will it be close to your type big deal?

I am a bit surprised that you still think this is a matter of "if" and not "when". A natural disaster will hit Lagos (it isn't a curse; it's just an inevitability) and the city won't be ready for it. Hundreds will die but life will just go on like nothing happened (check out Haiti for a case study of what happens to unplanned cities when nature strikes). A city that's incapable of planning ahead must surely suffer.

My heart rejoices that everyone now acknowledges what a crazy, bitter old maid TOH is! I pray she finds happiness someday in her life! Hopefully, that happiness will also include a husband.