Some problems solve themselves, if you just stand back with your hands in your pockets, and don't give yourself high blood pressure over them.

Good for him, but the rooms are oddly laid out with awkward, wasted space.

To show some understanding toward your husband, he is probably depressed about losing his job and his breadwinner status, and is not adjusting well. Counselling from his family or pastor, etc., is in order. He is suffering from the effects of misplaced pride.

Agreed, it is not acceptable that he is adding more work to your day, without doing anything useful to help solve the problem. I would tell him that if he puts you in charge of keeping the house clean, you will make your own housekeeping decisions as to how to accomplish that. If you see fit to hire or fire help, YOU are in charge of that, as you are paying for it. Did he meddle with the housekeeping before? I think not. He should not do so now, unless he is prepared to do the work, himself. (Also, it is never a bad thing to teach the children to pick up after themselves. They need to be self-responsible before they are adults.)

Also, he needs something useful to do, for his own self-esteem. Instead of sitting around the house picking flaws and being useless, he can do some useful activity outside of the home--even if that is helping someone, unpaid, to do something that they cannot manage by themselves--to have something to feel good about, making a positive difference, and be thanked for his effort. Sometimes, the cure for losing something is to give yet more, thus taking control of the process of giving away. Let him feel generous with his time, as he has it in abundance to give. It will be tricky getting him to see that--it might sound better coming from the pastor, than from you, so enlist the his help in this. The pastor will likely know who needs help, too.

[modified to better explain]

chloride6:


No need for tax..

Just ban plastic bottles and get everyone switch to glass.

Ban styrofoam, nylon and let everyone use biodegradable paper bags.

In Kenya, they've banned plastic shopping bags. I haven't checked lately how that is going, but before the ban, the bags were called "Kenya's national flower". The plastics manufacturers were not happy, but it spurred regrowth in traditional industries such as basket weaving, giving village ladies new purpose for their skills.

Paper bags, market baskets...once upon a time before plastic, people had the foresight to bring something in which to carry their market purchases. Can we not return to that not-so-high technology?

But in the meantime...and I'm not in the plastics industry, so I don't know the feasibility of this...supposing I was wanting to make plastic products. Could I not offer money for a bagful of discarded plastic bottles, as raw material? There is so very much plastic lying around, in the way, blocking drains, being ugly...those having no source of income, might collect these already discarded bottles and bring it to my plant, or to my collection place, and be paid for same. The public nuisance of plastic rubbish in the streets would be cleaned up, someone would see a little profit from what they can pick off the ground, and I would have raw materials brought to my door.

Nigeria has a trash problem. So long as there is plastic in circulation, it would make sense to impose a deposit, and then it would have refund value, for the person bringing it back. If not for the purchaser, then for the gleaner.

We are able to carry the bottle when it is full. Somehow, when it becomes empty, it is suddenly heavy.... I know it is not glamorous to pick trash. But we all need to learn respect for those who deal with that which we find distasteful, on our behalf. Either that, or we need to take responsibility for all aspects of our life, ourselves, and not throw waste to become a hazard and a nuisance.

Genesiszero:


thanks a lot for your understanding, I don't hate women neither am I a gay as so many people here speculated, it hurt me so badly on how people concludes so easily. I love women but I don't just get moved by feminine sexual ethos. I hate gayism and i speak against it

If you seek understanding for your own sexuality, please likewise be understanding of others not like yourself, including gays. It's only fair.
(BTW, it's not an -ism.)

Genesiszero:

Hell no! Never..... I'm a Christian and its a taboo even in my culture

Whether you're homosexual or not...understand that religious or cultural taboo isn't going to change your sexual orientation. So drop the denial and really approach the question honestly, so that you don't answer the question without examining it.
Or, as Overdrive asked, maybe there was something in our past that has put you off women in the ways you describe. Way back in your past. Let your memory go for a long, slow walk into the past, to see if you can remember something.
Possibly you're just wired differently. You are the one who will figure out the answer, over time. But to do this, you really need to probe your mind and emotions closely.

All these people saying masturbation is terrible, obviously don't do it themselves.




Sure, I believe that.




They would rather Alex bother ladies that he can't marry, or visit ashewo and get HIV, or get their daughter pregnant for him... Before forming holy about Alex, will they please say what he should rather do? He's not breaking any hearts, not spreading disease, not making fatherless babies. He's helping local soap sales too.

Much has already been said, and I'll keep these thinking points brief.
1. Would you like a trusted someone to snatch and snoop your phone, to expose you for whatever you may have done?
2. Would you like your houseguest to self-appoint themselves to be the moral authority in your household, and make changes according to their own sensibilities?
3. If you were happy in your marriage, would you like someone to anonymously send you nude pics of your wife, or would you rather be happy with your illusion until (if) the marriage fell apart of its own accord?
These are mostly for the OP, who is thinking after he has acted.

Tjun:
Listen up Kid, yeah, cos you're acting like a child. Like i was saying, kid. There are other things adults "do" besides shoving their pee pee into every crevice they see, here's one: meet up with this girl (face to face like a man) tell her you're not interested.. Something like "when I met you, I didn't think we were going to end up like this. But i don't see a future for us
anymore,blah,blah, I don't want to waste your time or mine, blah, blah, i wish u happiness, blah, blah."

Adults don't "ghost" hide n seek is a game for children. Think before you thrust.

Probably best not to meet her at her place, or your place for that matter, just in case she really is psycho

The only post with common sense yet.

What exactly do you need advice about? You have advised yourself. Haba.

Maybe he never expected more of her in the first place. Resignation. He just wanted to know which particular reasons she cheated. But we are not enlightened as to why the girl cheated with multiple men...she doesn't address that...in fact she says "really feeling bad about what happened..." as if she had no agency in the cheating.
Has he forgiven her? Up to her to ask him, not us. Have his own standards and expectations of the relationship changed as well? Ask him that, too.
Incomplete information, and I'm not sure I have patience to hear the rest of it.

Would it be so very difficult to install grating over top of the drainages, to keep rubbish out, and let rainwater in? That would also eliminate the hazard of tripping and falling in, on a dark night.

Next step, impose a deposit on reusable plastic bottles, payable at purchase, refundable on return...imagine all those bottles disappearing from the streets, like magic!

If a parent leaves an inheritance to a daughter, that is what is intended. If the parent intended for the daughter's husband to receive the inheritance, the daughter's husband should be directly named as the recipient. If the daughter inherits, it's hers to use at her own discretion.

(Nobody on this forum sleeps? Or does everyone work weird shifts? I notice the Romance section is active the latest, with questions that gnaw at the heart and prevent sleep. Or porn uploads when nobody notices.)

I agree with you in general. I think the disposability thing may have to do with a mentally/emotionally as well as chronologically young population, who can see that there are indeed lots of other fish to choose from. Judging from the issues that come up in this forum, there is not a lot of self-reflection or self-knowledge; and individuals posting, seem to want someone to cater for all their needs, without taking responsibility for meeting their partner's needs in the relationship. The partner says no to something, and we hear how unfair that is, is it possible for the relationship to continue, etc., without even asking why the partner said no, and what the poster's own part is, in the situation. People seem to want to run away from the least challenge, instead of confronting it, and working with the partner and growing together. With too many other fish to choose from, tossing back one that resists something on principle, is easy. Maybe numerous break-ups for the same reason, will point to enlightenment at last.

pansophist:


Women have a higher perception of danger. Where a man feels perfectly safe, a woman may not feel safe, the presence of a man is sufficient to create a balance and make her feel safe. If a woman wants a kid, it is only a man that can impregnate her, and potentially provide for her and her kids if he is responsible.

Men by nature have a soft spot for women and women know this first hand. Men generally will sacrifice himself to make a woman feel comfortable, eg giving her his jacket when she feels cold, or even taking a bullet for her. A single google search will reveal thousands of men have been taking bullets and losing their lives for the women they love, so far, I have not seen the opposite.

Humans evolved to be social beings, no matter the material riches, popularity and social class, companionship triumph above all, we can see it with our female celebrities for example. Humans need each other, and more so for women, who need men for emotional safety and in some cases, balance out the chaotic nature of the feminine with rationality and order.

Women want to feel loved, desired and chosen, and if one can see the value of a man past his wallet, it won't be difficult to find out the importance of a man in a woman's life, and what he brings into the relationship.

Need I say more?

Thank you for your well-considered reply. We are both talking in generalizations, of course--not all women are chaotic in nature, and not all men will take a bullet for a woman--but heaven forbid that we put that to the test in the first place.

Other than not coming home to an empty house, can we agree that a man might serve as a flywheel to stabilize the energies in a woman's life? But the same may well be said in reverse.

The guy is not worthy of anyone, but first you must learn what it is he offers your friend, that keeps her coming back. Is he the only man she's ever dated? Does she feel that no other man is interested in her, and her confidence and self esteem are down on the floor somewhere? Is she replaying an old abuse pattern that she feels that she can somehow "get right", this time, if she just "tries harder"? Or is she into masochism and BDSM and this is her kink? Is she seemingly healthy and secure outside of her love life? What is going on with her outside of this relationship?

What do we care if we find the couple attractive or not? It's not our wedding, it's theirs. Haba!

pansophist:
Instead of asking directly "where have all the good men gone", you paraphrased it with "what do men offer in a relationship"? Lol.

Well, men are leaving their traditional duty of being providers, putting a woman first, being the expendable and sacrificial lamb, and now, are treating women like an equal partner, not expect her to just show up, but show up with something. At least for me.

If you want a rich man, you have to be rich too, educated if you want an educated man. Being a woman is not enough anymore, afterall, women go for "real men", we also want "real women, not a woman-child that we should be responsible for.

Excellent. Both men and women should have higher expectations of each other, than a lot of what I've been seeing.

That said...if a woman is on her own feet financially, we return to the question...what does a man provide her in marriage?
Could it be companionship? Intellectual stimulation? Complementary skills? A listening ear? (Aside that whole parenting thing--talking about what the woman herself gains from marriage.) Can she not get these things without marrying? Is she guaranteed these things if she marries? Only if she chooses well.

Sunisonflex39:
I never said they are having relationship issues bro.. they v been good but what I don't subscribe to is the babe wanting me to sleep with her which I even told her in her face that I have always respected the fact she has a guy and that this is not part of our friendship..bro try and reason my case

They most definitely are having relationship problems, whether you directly say so or not. You are putting a spoke in their wheel just as Mr. Brown Jay has said. The girl coming on to you like that, is not a problem in their relationship?!?!

Crespostakes:
Telling her is of no use it will only destroy the trusts she has for me. I am moving out of this location in few weeks non of these will matter

Her trust in you is ill-founded, especially if you make no effort to understand why you cheated in the first place.

She took postinor after the two of you had sex, and you're worried she had an abortion.
As a morning-after pill, postinor is by definition an abortive drug.
Get off her case, and next time use a condom to prevent any possible pregnancy, and not use drugs that mess with her body, with her cycle, and cause abortion.
Listen to what all the ladies and informed men have told you, about the menstrual cycle. Women's bodies are not clocks.

Let me simplify it...never mind all the he-said, she-said back and forth, all three of you have acted wrongly at points in this situation, as has been pointed out to you severally.

Take it to the latest agreement with her to be "just" best friends. Now she is wanting to change that, and has broken your agreement and caused more complication. Walk away. This will be a never-ending sh!t-show drama otherwise.

IgbosNIGHTMARE:

Don't be silly and insensitive...
You are existing because a marriage or coupling worked out, be grateful for that!

ElectroTech comes across as neither silly nor insensitive, but quite the opposite; serious and sensitive.

His outlook might come from his parents' marriage or coupling NOT working out.

There are many people out there who have been emotionally wounded as children, that they are afraid to live their lives fully, and still have the phantoms of their parents (or other influences) putting fear into their lives and relationships, going forward. Quite possibly he is taking responsibility by not perpetuating a cycle that he has been unable to correct. (Apologies if I guess wrong, ElectroTech. If it's not true for you, it will be true for someone else.)

I would like you to remember that her decision to abort, was no doubt a difficult and painful one for her. One that she doesn't want to bring to mind, much less talk about with people. I understand her hesitation to discuss it with you initially, when you were just getting back together. Yes, she initially lied, at a stage when telling the truth might not have benefitted anyone, but only caused needless hurt. I give her credit for finding the courage to make a clean confession of it to you as well, knowing your stand on abortion. It tells me that she takes you seriously, and wants to disclose her abortion to you, before any talk of marriage. She is showing you respect by telling you the difficult truth. Whatever the past has been, she is displaying courage and integrity, moving forward. Many women would just keep their mouths shut.

I don't see her as inherently untrustworthy. The question at hand is your ability to trust her. It's about your capacity to leave the past behind, and to trust in your future together. Do you want someone who's seemingly perfect, who may yet fall; or someone who repents of her mistakes, and is making an effort to do better?

kizyalex10:
i knw her well enough.see bro,the advantage or real advantage abt this girl is that she is real enough with no pretence and she doesnt pretend abt her flaws and which is fine nd makes her stand out from the very rest.d others always try to fake it to impress me of which it most times doesnt end well cos somehw their cover blows .

With each of your replies, the focus of your concern seems to shift. This suggests to me that you're uneasy about something that you can't quite put your finger on; or else you are taking to heart, the advice to be adaptable and be accepting of her character, exactly as it is.

Regardless, my own view doesn't change, and I've offered all I can on the matter. Wishing you the best in whichever course of action you choose to take.

kizyalex10:
she rarely ask me for money.infact she doesnt.i only force nd give her sometimes when my instinct tells me she is lacking and i have.because her parents do all dat for her.my question is what if we re married.her good characters re there but i think is attached to the fact that she is comfortable.my fear is if she will compromise if things aint smooth

So you still don't know her well enough, to know in your heart, which she would do--and it is important to you that she not compromise. All this tells me that you really don't know each other all that well, and certainly not well enough to marry. If you really want to marry her without knowing her better, be prepared to do the adjusting, yourself, and not try to change her--trusting her not to stray, forgiving her if she does, and learning to accept her exactly as she is, including those things you find fault with.

It is easier to change one's self than to change another. Are those changes you are willing to make?

You can pay her tuition as a free gift, as a benefit to her, and to salve your conscience, but do it with the understanding that THE RELATIONSHIP IS DONE, and won't be the same as it was, even if she ditched the bf.

It seems to me she is playing on your emotions, your remaining love, your sense of guilt, to get the money; teasing you by dangling the possibility of maybe getting back together (or not), if you pay. She cheated on her bf to get money for her travelling bag. She'll surely cheat again for the bigger prize of the tuition fee. The verbs in those sentences are play, tease, cheat, and cheat.

Remove yourself from the situation, and look at this as if it was a friend in your shoes. Would you counsel him to go back to her, when she is now just interested in your money?

What if she wanted something that you couldn't afford to give her, but some other guy could? Do you think she would forego the luxury, and stay faithful to you? No? Are you okay with that? (If so, proceed....)

TerryMcGinis:
[size=8pt] the daily doses of different rants we get from nairalanders when it concerns relationships has changed my perspective a whole lot, I'm starting to believe Love (save for the one that binds a mother to her child), is none existent, lust is the order of the day, and marriage is a. Big fat lie, you do not need the opposite sex to live a fulfilled life. And of course I'm one of those people that cherish peace and quiet in there lives.

I sympathize with you, but...love, aside from a mother's love, does exist...the trick is to find one who returns it in equal measure...that's a rare, rare thing. Marriage as I see it on Nairaland is mostly a big fat lie. All my respect to those who have found their right partners, and are working on their love for one another and their relationships.

It's probably worth noting that it's the people with "love" woes who are on here, and not the ones who are committed to one another, and who are in solid relationships.

I will hazard that most of the people posting their misfortunes are young, still making mistakes, finding out what love is not. It takes time to figure out. Often more time than the biological urge to procreate allows for, and definitely more time than society considers acceptable.

You are right: one does not need a partner in order to live a fulfilled life. Being fulfilled as an individual, is a prerequisite for marriage. One must be grounded in one's self first, before being ready for a partner. A partner will not fulfill your shortcomings.

But we stray from the original topic.

Amiteye:
Unwilling slaves being sold and beaming and willing brides being bought, is a whole world apart. You are not worth the storm

Amiteye, thank you for your concise and to-the-point reply. I concede that the beaming brides seem a world apart...but there is a continuum that connects them. This is probably not the thread where the observation will get much consideration.

As to whether I am worth the storm...it's not about me. I don't seek to be trending in my own personal storm. I'm about ideas, and I think this is an important idea to examine...little by little, as people are ready to.

Good day.

kizyalex10:
read well i dont speak of distaste.i mentioned about the good side and my concern abt adjusting to the bad side.as for his family support.i never made mention that am broke.i might nt be super rich but am very far from being called broke or gold digger.am better than an aberage naija hustler.no disrespect and i dont think her family is doing better than mine if its in that regard.jst dont be biased and read through the lines.i dont wanna marry oyibo.i love this girl in question alot .Have nt considered another woman for once.all i need is d adjustment.which seem hard for her

Kizyalex, I am sorry if my answer ran askew of your main question, and ruffled your feathers a little as well. But if I were to make my answer in more tactful terms, it would remain much the same. You have received several well-considered answers which address what you have not. If you cannot adjust to what you do not like about her, already, it is not going to go well in your marriage. Don't think you will change what you find to be her negative qualities. It just doesn't work that way. I see red flags.

If you really want to know whether she will nag you or go to her parents for money, if money grows thin...try asking her.

Amen to the message.