₦airaland Forum

Then stick to what you believe!

What is the other one? Maybe I missed it? Can you help to bring it to fore?

@poster,

it is well!

Agba tio yokun, Awun loni! The man without pot belly is a miser!

Well if your story is true, then it depends on the church you patronse. Ask any elder at your church.

But, are you guys truly serious about marriage?

@poster,
That is material gal for you. I think you should take a loan in Bank if you think you love her so much,

But if you love yourself, drop her like hot metal. Don't even think of apologising. She will come back and beg. But if you must take her back, ensure that all these monthly allowance stop flowing to her account. Invest it in something that will yeild dividend. You lady is a kalokalo! Don't run from her, fly!

What do you want to make enquiry about?

I hope it is not about how many number of children you will have?

Theory! Theory! Theory!

@topup,
Not every guy dislike talking about marriage. But it is wise for ladies to let the man raise the issue. Somehow, some men hate it when a lady bug them with idea of marriage. Others simply let things unfold.

The only way you can be too sure is to know the kind of man he is.

@topup,
the problem with breaking up in a relationship is that often time, somebody won't want to let go whether it is working or not.

The tragedy of our time, from my own perspective is that many people do not know what relationship is about. Gone were the day when character is the major factor in choosing a spouse. Gone were the day children are groomed for leadership and responsibility right from their teenage years. Today, it is all about trial and error.

Boy meet girl, they fall in love, they fall in bed and then get tired of one another. Soon, the urge to sample a fresh meat come to fore. Soon a space is open for another person. Soon the heart start tilting toward a new mate. And then, someone start finding fault so he/she can create problem and soon the chasm become so wide and then things fall apart!

That is the partern of heartbreak.

The truth is that this would have been avoided if somebody had done enough due diligent on another. It is a blantant lie to say that you can't know your partner to a reasonable extent before committing to the relationship. The truth is that most of us lack self control when it come to love. And that is the culprit. Am sure those who have had terrible heartbreak know the futility of plunging headlong into a relationship that is too good to be true.

Finally, when a relationship appear to be doomed to failure, some people still think it doesn't matter. One of three things would happen:
1. A cheating partner, or
2. A withdrawn partner, or
3. A terrible heartbreak.

To solve avoid such experience, the couples must make it a policy to be open and frank in relationship. And if a problem is intractable, they should have mutual disengagement. That can save the world of more heartbreak.

Sisi jinx,
there is absolutely no way you can enter any relationship without putting the other person probation. Notice that I keep using the word PROBATION. I used the word probation because it is fitted to the situation I illustrated. I have seen a sign of discord and had thought I can change it. So how do I know if the fellow is responding positively to change? PROBATION!

Seriously everyone who have ever dated is doing the same in principle. Everyone who have ever get married is also working with my theory except where the marriage was consumated by "accidental discharge". Before you attach me again, "acidental discharge" refer to a one night stand sex romp result in pregnancy. However, because the man is responsible, he marry the lady and then live happily or sadly thereafter.

Now to you girls opposing PROBATION: When a guy you don't know approach you for relationship, (even when you already know him) what do you do?

You ask for TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT. How many of you jump at a man and say "Yes, I will marry you" when you barely know him? And you think PROBATION is allien to relationship when you all know it is the norm.

Another example. Why must dating go on for more than a year without the couple deciding that they are good for marriage? What are they doing? What is dating essentially about? Temporary marriage? Licence to sex and gifts? Or simply a probational period?

What make DATING differ from FRIEMDSHIP if not the three issues?

Finally, after all the 3, 4, 5, 6 years of DATING (or PROBATION) the guy or gal call it quit and say they are NOT COMPATIBLE! Isn't that crazy to the ears? Yet it happen everyday. Yet, you all think it is wrong to put your patner on PROBATION!

Ok ok. You don't do this. Some ladies/gents would meet a date. And the next thing they do is asking their friends whether their catch is good or not.

You all have got to admit you do this things. It is the only way to know your partner without hurting anyone!

Lol sis kil.

I am not qualified to comment on that. My own opinion is within me. I expect the fellow that started it explain it.

You guys are turning everything into gender war. And that is not my speciality.

@topup,
Guseman is up there. Perhaps I got his name wrong.

@Karmamod,

They are men that claim to be MAN in public while their minds is feministic. Men that consider themselves far superior to every woman by fair or folly. Those are the men I was refering to!

@topup,
I was not saying that you instigated the problem. I am also not going to blame him for the main fact that I don't know him.

What I said was that you must have inadvertently talk you way to that state. For the sake of clarity. Let me tell you that most guys are pretenders. They want to be THE MAN and hence want to feel that they are always in control. I have heard for instance someone saying that for a man to withdraw from a woman, he is acting like a woman. That is nonsense. Will you rather be confortable with a man that simply dump you without thinking about your feeling or a man that let you know that something is wrong and he is leaving? The first is heartless. The second is a woman. Imagine?

Back to you. I have read your posts aforetime and have also seen that you enjoy giving frank opinion about issues.

It is very possible your ex know all these. It is okay to talk, but sometimes, some men can't stand such thing. I know base on my researches in relationship. Some men are scared of domineering women. The only way to assuge their concern is to ensure that whenever the two of you communicate, he must be involved. That is what make marriage interesting. That is how people can be in a relationship, fight, and still make up.

While I an not saying you have done wrong, it was evidence you didn't gauge your ex mood before you profer solution. People differ. What work for someone may not work for another.

I recommend that you find this book: HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLD BY DALE CARNIGIE. I read over ten years ago and I still remember some of the lessons in it.

Try it and you will see where you are wrong with your ex. I can pin point what went wrong if I get the whole story. But you are a talented lady who could do just better.

@guseman,
if you are going to teach me about marriage, then it means you will have to start today. You don't know me and you are preaching how to be a man!

Guest what, you need to go find out about peopld before making judgement. You have just shown me that you need lesson as much as you want to teach it. Please start teaching me how to be a man so that I can start acting like heartless people whose ego are moulded on the foundation of pride and arogance. Please start it on these thread MR MAN!

Guseman,
you have just shown what I know is ignorance. The fact that I refused to tell what actually happened doesn't make me look like woman. Mark you, it wasn't because I couldn't have ditched the lady myself or that I didn't have others I could have fallen on.

Well, the circumstance of every experience differ and it only just wise to look at the issue.

I know those men who claim to be men that quietly entertain feminist thoughts in their minds.

For your information, I stated that the lady was on probation. I also posted two stories and not one! So the onus lies on you to read them carefully.

Moreover, I have learn that when you repeatedly talk to someone and he/she keep acting as if you are speaking to the air, the best method is to ignore them. The lady in question know well enough the affair can't work without running into trouble in future. I, unlike you, went the whole length to analyse what I see as impediment to the affair. It was my bid at finding out if we can manage it that I placed her on probation. After 3 months nothing changed and she didn't want the affair to end! That is one stupid mistake many guys and gals make. They keep expecting miracle when they know that it can't work. I was firm and very kind when I spoke to her. When she found that I have made up my mind, she resorted to asking my friends to beg me. Tell me, where I had acted as a woman unless you are one of those chat who doesn't have the gift of perception.

Sometimes, the best means of communication is silence. If you have not discovered the power of a silence voice, then I can understand why you don't understand the difference.

Once again, I need to remind you that you have joined two stories together. In fact, you didn't get the message of the stories. You simply pick up a hole and try to promote men ego. I wonder where it is said that men must talk everytime whether it is wise or folly. Silence is a great weapon to let nature take charge of affair.

where did you get that?

@kamamod,
what does communication means to you? Maybe we can start from there since it seem to me that you don't know what it is. Maybe we just have difference view.

Can you tell me what communication in relationship mean to you?

@davidylan'
you are very correct about the inpossibility of knowing a man 100%. Sadly that is what most people want. It is only possible if it is established that man can never change.

You see, the irony of life is that only change is permanent. At a time in marriage a man or woman will change into something other than what we know. The question is how do we adjust without losing our own ethics? How do we cope with negative change?

You are absolutely right about the communication. To me that is the only solution to any relationship that isn't working or is shaky. But how many of us actually communicate? What does communication in relationship mean? I think I would have love to expand this. But someday, I will do it.

@Topup,
some guys, like yours sincerely like problems to solve itself. I must admit that is one area I am reputed for. Rather than waste my time brooding over a problem, I will ponder over the consequence of doing nothing and doing foolish thing. Whatever is more favourable is what I will choose. In most cases, I simply let the problem solve itself.

The guy obviously had an issue that is eating him. He wanted you but didn't want to offend you. It is possible he already know the consequence of telling you the whole truth. So his own choice was to withdraw. It may not be that he enjoy it. Somehow, you have got to know that like davidylan said such issue required communication.

If I were to use my own intuition, I will say that you are part of the problem! I am sure this will jolt you and other ladies out there. But then, it is the truth.

YOU MUST HAVE INADVERTENTLY TALKED YOURSELF INTO MAKING HIM SECRETIVE! Think very deeply about that statement and you will find the wisdom behind it. It is contentious but it is true!

@kamamod,
so it is only women that end a fruitless relationship? It is only women that try to know their partners before marriage?

I think I have just learn a new KARMA LAW!

No wonder, people are falling in love and fall out of love as fast. No wonder men are cheating their wives when the home lady become an eyesore. No wonder, the centre can no longer hold!

@netose,
you asked me why I didn't talk to her. Well I talked to her. But I am a realist. You can't change and adult who don't want to change. Even kids can't be changed if they don't want to.

Well, I can't tell you what I saw on this thread. All I can say is that I was very fair on her.

@jjyou,
I have just one serious date in my life. Which end badly and gave me the bitterest heartbreak. I was unfairly treated for being tolerance and faithful. After her, I don't even talk to ladies as a propective partner. I relate to everyone as friends. Those who have had close contact with me will tell you that.

There are things we can easily detect in our partners if we just use our heads during "probational period". I use probational period because, I don't believe in dating. Dating itself is "probational period". Or why don't people just rush to altar and marry after they met? What is the essense of dating? Isn't it to know your partner? And when you know him/her, you decide to advance or call it off. Sadly dating mean something else to our youth. It means licence to intimacy, sex, and other thing only marriage should allowed. The result is that when they breakup, they breakdown and lose their sanity! Guys, it is time you buy into my theory.
1. No sex, no commitment until you know who you are dealing with.
2. Don't look at the best side of your partner, which he/she will flung at you anyway. Look the worst. Look at what he/she is hidding and find out if you can tolerate it. Marriage isn't about finding a perfect partner, but finding someone you can live with, happily without dying in bondage.
3. When a partner is too good to be true, he or she is too good to be true! He or she is hiding something. Search it before you let him/her into your life!
4. When a partner tell you only his/her strength, only good thing about him/herself, then find the other side with your own searching intuition.

If you can do these, you won't wake up in marriage to find that your man is a stranger! There is my guidance who is a flirt and his wife know even before they marry. He never change after marriage and they lived till old age! When the man was accused of fraud at work, the wife told CID, "I know my husband, he flirts, but can't steal!"

she was right! That is "security!".

Kamamod, sis kil,
you asked me what is probation and yet you are of veiw that a man can't know a woman right enough before marriage! If you read the first post you should have known that "probation" mean I am looking for something that would convince me to commit to her.

Well Olanajim is a very perceptive being. I was in love once without doing due diligent simply because the lady was very religious and caring. She was also a virgin. She even met my mother. Suddenly, she stopped talking! Unlike what she normally do. I tried to find out what went wrong. The result was that she was lured with an expensive phone! Well, I really cried cos I thought she was incorruptible. Well, I could have won her back by buying a better phone for her. But it is not my nature to buy love. I did my investigation and found that she had been into it all the while she was playing saint marry with me.

It was after her that I met the lady I talked about earlier. Naturally, I am not the type the trip foolishly for women. I don't even talk to lady until I was 26! Not that I can't talk to them anyway.

So tell me, will a sane man who have seen what I saw earlier plunge into another woman simply because she wash my clothes and cook for me? My sister does that and that doesn't mean she want to marry me.

My principle is: when a lady is just too good to be true, when a lady have no fault and look like the only one without shortcoming, then my friend, you must be very very careful! She lady (even guy) are hidding something dangerous that only marriage can expose. That was why I placed the "good girls" on probation. I don't look for their good, I look for their evils. I will then ask myself whether I can tolerate it. If I can't then, it is best I end the affair for the sake of both of us.

Most of you know that marriage is a life long contract, yet you rushed into it. I don't hide my faults from people. I even tell them. But I reserve my best for the lucky woman. This isn't my best, believe me!

@topup,
your ex was trying to communicate with you by his silence. I guess you are too much concerned about the relationship than what is eating him.

Let me give you an example. I once had this lady friend who I was looking up to date. We have been going out for 3 months. In my heart I have not make up my mind to make her my choice. She was a good lady. Wash my clothes, cook my food etc. But then, she forgot she is under probation. At least I told her. That is me. Maybe I was crazy too. I pick my words very carefully so that I won't have to felt guilty when things go awry.

Well just as I was about making her permanent, (I was to visit her parent) I started observing some traits I know I can NEVER live with. I tried to talk to her but she was careless. And so, I began my own withdrawal tactic. Actually, I need to think about it deeply. But she made a costly mistake by crying and reporting me to my friends. I got angry and had to extend my "vacation!". Again, she started saying maybe I had a lady in my life and then did things I found unacceptable. I called her aside and the asked her to give me a break. It was during the break that I ended it all. She gave my call to a guy I suspected to be her male friend. It was night. So I simply format all her memory from my head. It was so simple for me because I had resolved not to be blinded by love. So I always know when to press my break.

Men aren't all crazy just as women. But when he stop calling, you must realize he need help not love. Wisdom will bail you out.

@netotse,
you are right. Guys withdrawing doesn't always translate to breakup. It depends on what level of relationship the two are. It also depend on what brought that idea to his head.

Sometimes a guy may simply want to re-evaluate himself. When the lady see this, she get jiltery and do many foolish thing that degrade her before the guy. This may lead the guy to actually start avoiding her and make her dream come true!

That is if there is no other woman. But if there is "other woman", then the guy is undergoing love torment. How the home girl handle it would determine if the guy is delivered of temptation or yeild to temptation.

Sis jinx,
I didn't read the particular post you mentioned. Man or woman if you fall in love before you know your partner, you are gambling with your heart.

In truth, what happen at first meeting, what we often call love at first sight is nothing but LUST. Ask a good psychologist and it would be confirmed. However, lust is very essential for love to germinate. The animal in human make it imperative that the two be attracted before anything can follow. We just tried to glorify LUST by calling it LOVE AT FIRST. Everyone feel it.

At the the s next stage, the two partners agreeing to be friends. It is at this stage that couple evaluate themselves. Thereafter commitment come it and the LOVE. Those who skip this stage and allow the lustful affair to deepen without due diligent are those who often have the cause to regret not knowing their partners.

It is strongly recommended that one know the other before making commitment.

No madam! It is almost impossible for anyone to see dishonesty in a woman before dating. Maybe he should have wait to know her before making commitment.

And sistawoman said earlier that is not possible! She assumed that every man can resist temptation if only he think of the woman at home. Someone had got to educate her!

It would have been fairer if the message of the topic is broken up. At the way it is, I don't even know where to berth!

Well let me see,

Whatever the case. It isn't guys that are culprit. Women are also involved. I think from what I have seen in the last three months women are more into that kind of stuff than men. A guy who want to break your heart would not hesistate to do so if he desperately need to. But women on the other hand have to go through some hide and seek game before finding courage to tell you they are leaving you.

Actually no one is crazy. It is just that at a stage in relationship, knowledge rules. The two couple know one another inside out and at that point, the desire to stay or leave come to fore.

It is the point where love clash with reality. Lust would have long gone leaving behind the couple to fight their way back to sanity.

That is why I always recommend loving with head and not heart!

Deeplo,
I congratulate you for being honest with your fiance. Just ensure that henceforth you carry her along. And when you need to help anyone do it in open and not alone in bedroom. You see, alot of guys had been in your state. The only difference is that their ladies didn't get pg.

And if the lady is truly pg, there is always a way.

Somehow, it would have been nice to have it that way. But the truth is that bad news sell faster than good news. Those who post good news hardly get contributors. That is the issue.

Maybe everyone ought to see the good side of life.

Not everyone does it. Just a handful who can't keep their "shooters" where it belong.

It is misnomer to expect everything to click at once. Through trial and error, through wisdoms and follies of others, through experiences and through bad and good, we learn to know who we are dealing with.

You man may be one of the men who don't consider such things as important. He may or may not love you as deeply as he professed. Only through your own inner perception can you be so sure if he is real or not.

While women tend to enjoy talking and hearing men they love talk, the truth is that some men consider it a sacrifice they have to make. While some simply ignore you.

Do this:
fix a date with the guy on a day you will both be free and relaxed. Though he is supposed to fix a date, you have to make this initiative since you are doing it for a cause.

At you date, act as if nothing had happened then try to let him take control of the date. Let him talk or give him something to talk about and listen to him. Depending on the response you get, try and find out what is it that he want and how he wanted to be loved. Let him talk. Let him tell you what he want. Then at appropriate time, let him know how you felt when he ignores you. Let him make a little commitment on how he would reciprocate your love.

Then wait and see how it goes. If he fail to keep his commitments, if he appear to be doing it delibrately, then it is time for you to start treating him like just a friend. Don't make mistake of giving him sex thinking that would tilt his attention toward you. It would only complicate your problems. With an air of nonchallant, start looking for a better option. First as a friend. And if your man doesn't seem to care, politely shut him out of your life for good and focus on someone who appreciate you!

I wish you good luck!

PS: i maintains that calling someone 10 times a day is not a way to show love. It can be a false sign of love. If you live in the same area, he would soon get tired of you. Men pursue scarce products than the common products,