₦airaland Forum

Na lie! You slept with a man and started talking balderdash. I just hope you didn't also kill that baby. God will judge!

That's why when I hear stories of Man rapes girl of 14 , 15.
As much as I know it's deplorable, I hesitate to make comments because the lines are blurred these days.


I know of the story of a man beaten up for 'raping' a girl of 13 in a northern town in Nigeria. I later met one of the neighbours living in the lungu (slum) and she told me that it had actually been going on for a while and the girl had been seen severally walking into the man's house prior to them being 'caught' and then it suddenly turned out to be a rape story and the man was made to pay the parents of the kid

I mean you see some 15 year old these days and physically they are not different from fully fledged adults and in these heavily sexualized society, might have been involved in sexual activities for a couple of years

That's the problem of Northern Nigeria, the ruling class is just like a family cabal!

papawemba:
Toolz? Are you kidding me? That mass of flesh you call shape of hers can't even make a fun-seeking man in a strip club have an erection let alone someone under investigation like Mr Victor in this case. Please suggest another woman.

Hmmmm....not attempting to sound insulting but then this is Saturday morning!

When was the last time you took a gaydar test?

freecocoa:
Na wa o.

Pak come and advice this lady please.

This type of stories make me weak.

You know love the way it is used is such a funny phrase ?

Based on regular usage of the word, I'm sure the guy doesn't love him but there's a bit of a twist here actually.


But first things first, forget about marriage totally for now !!!!!!!


About the twist, the funny thing is, aside from the baby issue, the person having the more unhealthy attachment is the man not the woman.
If he wanted to walk away, he definitely would have, I shouldn't let the poster know this but he is attached to you and he resents that fact and the sad part is that you are making things extremely easy for him.

I don't have full details but i can wager that if you move out of his house or wherever it is you are staying, and heaven helps, you start 'dating' someone else. This guy would go baloney. From the story, he wouldn't stay with you if there was no pull you have over him. It's not just about sex, you said he has other ladies already. You validate him in some ways. I mean why would a man want to sleep with a woman who just had CS and a new baby if he has other options.
You just don't have a soft spot for him, he also has a big soft hole for you. He'll deny it all he can.

It's some sort of psycho anomaly.
Its understandable when a guy tries to put down a girl he wants out of his life.
It's understandable when a guy builds up a girl he wants in his life
But when a guy puts down a girl all the time and yet still want to retain her around him, then that's serious unhealthy emotional conflict.

You've not told us about his pattern of relationships (past relationships et al), if he is well off career wise, if he is physically abusive and all that but if what you've said is accurate,
The best advice is to just walk, cut your losses and walk. Pick up the pieces, you've lost a part of your life to a jerk. Try to salvage the remaining

but then I know how hard it is for a woman who has a baby with a man to move on and from your tone, you don't sound like someone who wants to so I'll give you the middle of the road - take a break from him for a long period, get some fresh air, go visit a family member in another part of the country, go learn french or swimming or something different. Start a new relationship if you can (It doesn't have to be sexual)
That period will allow you assess him properly and most importantly allow you to have your head clearer.

I might be wrong but this is an instinctive response for me, hope it helps.

N.B. If physical assault is involved in anyway, disregard all the advice above and just pack your bags and run this very night without informing him. If possible inform the police about your need to be protected

freecocoa:
Some persons being abused, do not suffer from trauma bonding, they stay and take the abuse for selfish reasons.

I know a lady who gets slapped at the slightest issues by her man but says, the money she gets from him, makes the slap not painful.

Oh ok, that's very true. Nothing trauma bonding about that.

Infact, I know a woman whose Husband was cheating and she decided to stay in the relationship not out of love or attachment but out of common sense. At her age, she had very little alternative, the husband is rich and she has little professional development.

She only threw a storm when he brought one of the girlfriends home !

deeptesting:
Hello fellow NL, i am a single father with 2 kids from a previous marriage.I want to give marriage a second shot because i believe love is real but i don't want to have a child from it..Is it possible to get a lady that will agree to my wish?

PS: I don't want a single parent lady.

Frankly, I think what you need is a Pastor or a psychologist !
and you sound a tad selfish and probably a narc!

A single parent and yet you don't want a single parent and yet you still don't want her to have kids !
If this is not wickedness , what is ? How do you even manage to sleep at night.

Wish you all the best !

Of course it must have been washed up from a river or something !

Why are men just killing wife up and down ?

Second story this night.

freecocoa:
While I understand and agree with what you are saying, this can't be said for all cases of abused persons.

99.9% of cases. The reason why you think there are differences is because emotional wounds are a lot like measles. They occur once, and when (or if) you survive it. You tend to develop immunity against it and guard yourself better. Even the lady in question, if she survives this will probably never get herself in this kind of situation again (although other types of abuse still await peopl like her)

Or maybe I don't get your point ? An example might help

freecocoa:
Loyalty has nothing to do with it, you should always be on the side of truth and fairness.

You should talk to your friend about his abusive behavior instead of worrying about what he will think, tell him he's doing the wrong thing.

I don't even know what to say about the lady, I'm yet to understand how someone can have no value for herself.

Just decided to quote you but my response is actually directed to 75% of the respondents on this thread

I think a short course in psychology should be made available to all students in our schools.

Yes, on the surface, blame the girl but truth is, what's happening to her is called 'trauma bonding' and it is realer than we think.

If a man beats a woman (or God help us,vice versa) and she doesn't leave the first time, reality is that she will never leave again.
At least not by herself, unless an external force comes into play or maybe it becomes critical and she breaks her bone or something of that nature but if it's regular beatings, it will continue forever and she will never be able to stop it on her own. The psychology at play are numerous and simple
1. We desire more to find closure on an issue via the source of the hurt in the first place. If someone hurts you, nothing takes away the pain like an 'heart felt' apology from that person. Hence, love from the abuser becomes some sort of prize for the abused, odd but true

2. One thing abusers instinctively realize is that beating a woman is less of a physical assault and more of an emotional wound. It's her self esteem you are tearing at. Few things make a woman feel more worthless than being beaten by the man she loves.
That is why, if she doesn't leave the first time, her self esteem will only get progressively weaker until her subconscious begins to justify the beatings

I don't blame the girl, I pity her. She's more of a victim than a fool.

People who grow up in abusive homes are very susceptible to either become abusers or abused in relationship. These guys don't know 'normal'. The pattern of abuse is their default position.

And folks need to grow up. Her case has little or nothing to do with money. Most guys that beat their women are actually poor broke arse. The average successful guy does not have a confidence crisis nor needs to prove his superiority, his confidence speaks for him.


@Yomieluv - You actually did the right thing in that scenario but my problem with you is the kind of friends you keep, is it by force ?
How do you have friends who are so psychotic to the extent of beating a girl until her sandals get torn just because she came to visit him unannounced ?? That is absolutely crazy - I advise you recommend a shrink for the animal you call your friend.
I just hope your friendship with him does not say a thing or two about you or is he doing anything of benefit to you cos I wonder why you choose to maintain such friendship in the first place and you can't tell him pointedly to his face that he was a fool for treating the girl that way (I woud have done that) - I ask is friendship by force ??

Lack of income is one of the least important factors for girls going into prostitution
Most of these girls are drug addicts and alcoholics who need a quick source of income to feed their addiction.

Many of them have suffered abuse and are psychologically traumatised. Sewing maxhines and tools won't heal this.

Seriously, there are some of these girls who even do it for the thrill.

These guys are on a long thing, I see them having little effect in the long run.

uchestephanie:
If not u mentioned it now I forgot about him cos my present guy is a guy any woman will wish For .for gals we don't forget who so ever that spend much on us and not who deflowered us.

Am sorry but what are those two hanging shirts doing in your profile picture?
Are they guardian angels?

Lovely!
This is real ingenuity

At least he is interfacing directly with his target market
not all these vague I need funding from government ideas

Dexema:
Criosly!! I had given plateau to pdp in my calculations,Wow congrats Lalong.
Funny enuf I kinda liked that pdp dude gwayok e get brain small buh it seems Baba jangs politics of ethnicity has backfired.
I hope this dosent lead to any kinda violence “on the plateau“.

You definitely know Plateau politics well

ikeyman00:
@@@

Uwazurike does not represent Biafra and he knows that

He is a criminal that brought kidnapping to Igbo land

He knows it just about time we will take him down

He understand how serious we are

and Asari must know that

U must not compromise Biafra in any way as Biafra is more than a country. It is god kingdom on eartkoh

Asari is also a criminal.
They'll make a good match

That should be about 71m.
I thought all phones had calculators

rokiatu:
Am getting tempted to try this waist trainer thing oooh. :-[ but naaah

@Back to topic, just goes to show people are never satisfied with what they have. Lola wants a light skinned nigga, Peter want a woman with a better body.


Whats the story?

Please don't.

You prolly have the best figure since the inception of Nairaland (and I'm sure this is not the first time you're hearing that )

I wonder why it should even cross your mind ? What else do you really want


Back to the matter......
It might not be a big issue but I guess they made a big mistake by bringing it to the public.
They should no that public scrutiny is the worst platform to deal with marital friction.
Anyway, if you can't stand the heat, then you shouldn't be in the kitchen in the first place.
I guess they know that's the price of being a celebrity !!!

menix:
Hmm...

Sure its a Ponzi scheme buh d truth b told, wen this started it was genuie cous som used it trading on shares, crude etc buh wen majority of nigerians queued in, it failed cous d commercial banks were not happy cous pple prefered it than bringing funds to d bank...

Yes dey ate my fund as far back 2007, buh d authorities(Soludo was instrumental) caused it..

I had this colleague who was able to purchase two properties in lagos, 1 at Apapa nd d oda at Kirikiri town nd she is so thankful today to d so called Ponzi scheme thou she lost her 1.5 million naira pricipal buh she gained more frm them...

Its not advisable going into such now cous d authorities frown at such...

There is nothing genuine about it.
The original name for 'ponzi schemes' was pyramid scheme because it followed a simple fraudulent principle. The initial investors (top of the pyramid) will make seemingly genuine profit while the bottom of the pyramid (a much larger group) , enticed by the gains of the top few - which would have garnered much publicity, are the once to suffer massive loses, at this point the scheme operators just disappear.
Every pyramid scheme as its early gainers, that's there major draw.

oikechukwu:
I'm a deltan igbo and I can see yoruba trying their claim claim. Which yoruba makes up ND or do you mean the lazy touts that migrated to ND to work in oil companies. Abeg mechi on with una thievery. Before now you'll come tell us Itsekiri are yoruba and Warri is a Yoruba town. Mtchewwwwww

Please, I do not intend to join issues in the main discussion of this thread for now but we need to set a record straight.....
Ilaje LGA in Ondo state is one of the major oil producing areas in Nigeria and it is in Yoruba land.
Infact crude oil was first discovered in Araromi (a village in Ilaje land) by the Germans in 1908. As against Oloibori as claimed, it was just that commercial exploration didn't start immediately there

Cc: whitecat1

Vicjustice:
[size=13pt]With a good team of forensic experts, a good medical team, a good police investigative team and a good cooperation from the public, there is no way, and i mean, no way that the culprit(s) will get away with this murder.
Failure to catch the culprit(s) should get someone loss his job[/size]

Your thinking seems more advanced than the society you find yourself in....
While we keep saying hiya, haa we don't realise that cases such as this are always possible to resolve given the will to do so

chocolateme:
PLEASE, READ: THIS IS WHY EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO ABUJA.

If you don't understand why those who are in Abuja don't want to return and those who want to go are doing so at all cost, look at this information.

SPECIAL REPORT:
SALARY OF NIGERIAN SENATORS.

After reading through this Special Report, any sh[center][/center]red of doubt in the reader's mind that Nigeria is doomed and heading for a headlong, downward plummeting will simply dissipate. The details of the remuneration of an average Nigerian Senator is detailed below:

* Basic Salary (B.S) - N2,484,245.50
* Hardship Allowance (50% of B.S) - N1,242,122.70
* Constituency Allowance (200% of B.S) - N4,968,509.00
* Newspapers Allowance (50% of B.S) - N1,242,122.70
* Wardrobe Allowance (25% of B.S) - N621,061.37
* Recess Allowance (10% of B.S) - N248,424.55
* Accommodation (200% of B.S) - N4,968,509.00
* Utilities (30% of B.S) - N828,081.83
* Domestic Staff (70% of B.S) - N1,863,184.12
* Entertainment (30% of B.S) - N828,081.83
* Personal Assistants (25% of B.S) - N621,061.12
* Vehicle Maintenance Allowance (75% of B.S) - N1,863,184.12
* Leave Allowance (10% of B.S) - N248,424.55
* Severance Gratuity (300% of B.S) - N7,452,736.50
* Car Allowance (400% of B.S) - N9,936,982.00
* TOTAL MONTHLY SALARY = N29,479,749.00 ($181,974.00)
* TOTAL YEARLY SALARY = N29,479,749.00 x 12 = N353,756,988.00 ($2,183,685.00)
* EXCHANGE RATE: $1 = N162

LEGISLATORS PAY WORLDWIDE PER ANNUM
* Britain - $105,400.00
* United States - $174,000.00
* France - $85,900.00
* South Africa - $104,000.00
* Kenya - $74,500.00
* Saudi Arabia - $64,000.00
* Brazil - $157,600.00
* Ghana - $46,500.00
* Indonesia - $65,800.00
* Thailand - $43,800.00
* India - $11,200.00
* Italy - $182,000.00
* Bangladesh - $4,000.00
* Israel - $114,800.00
* Hong Kong - $130,700.00
* Japan - $149,700.00
* Singapore - $154,000.00
* Canada - $154 000.00
* New Zealand - $112,500.00
* Germany - $119,500.00
* Ireland - $120,400.00
* Pakistan - $3,500.00
* Malaysia - $25,300.00
* Sweden - $99 300.00
* Sri Lanka - $5,100.00
* Spain - $43,900.00
* Norway - $138,000.00

In terms of lawmakers’ salaries as a ratio of GDP per capita, the gap is even much wider. While the salary of a Nigerian lawmaker is 116 times the country’s GDP per person, that of a British member of parliament is just 2.7 times.

The average salary of Nigerian worker based on the national minimum wage is N18,000.00, So, the yearly salary is N18,000.00 x 12 = N216,000.00 ($1,333.00)
Remember, Yearly Salary of Nigerian Senator = $2,183,685.00.
Proportion: $2,183,685.00/$1,333.00 = 1,638
It will take an average Nigerian worker 1,638 years to earn the yearly salary of a Nigerian Senator.

Source: the economist

Legislators, both at d state & federal level are d problem of dis country. They only legislate into their pocket. Lets unite, mobilize & move against them begining with those thieves at the National Assembly. Pls read & send to all ur contact

I just fainted mentally and got revived !

Chipeculiar:
I was never abused. I'm from a stable family, raised up in a christian way(deeper life for that matter). Tho we arnt financially stable....u knw d idea of your friends having textbooks in class and u dont have it.....i just didnt care to avoid intimidations....datz just an example. I have never really released my heart to anyone....even my female friends....u get to enjoy me when am around but immediately distance set in...i don forget person be dat.....tho i always have friends around cos of my temperament...dat alone wont make me miss the previous friends. Tho am really learning and trying to express affection. I dont have multiple partners.....in short....av neva had sex.....i think av answerd your questions

Though it's hard to give advice about lifestyle and personality to people you haven't met but I daresay, I don't think you have a problem here, not a serious problem anyway. I think it's all about temperament and balance.

The only issue I sense is that considering your background, you might just have some inhibitions that sort of makes you antagonistic towards relationships especially considering your possibly puritanical background. I was there too, the first time, a lady I was eyeing came to try help me clean my house, I almost had a fit. and I was already in my late twenties then. Maybe just maybe that might be the issue

Floodgater:
When babyosisi said that, she was refering to people who agree to marry men they dont feel love for or even the friendship you subscribed to just because the men seem to be the only availability or there was a "vision from God " or because the men are good. Do you know what it means for a woman to be tied for life to a man she does not love? She stated her opinion so because it is the best and safer option than going to find out after marriage. She meant it is an essential prerequisite and never said the only prerequisite, even the poster you quoted, i confidently know shares similar school of thought. I know it seems i have wasted my time explaining this to you and your irks as there will always be the biblical having eyes without seeing but know you have not started, if after "misreading" her few earlier pages you concluded you are the best opinion counselor.

Phew , your comments were rather harsh but anyway your points are noted.

But do remember that the day we realise that love is not a feeling but a commitment, the world and marriages would be a far better place

thorpido:
Sex for men is generally more of a physical thing than an emotional thing.However,for women,who they choose to sleep with goes beyond just a physical thing.That is why it's a bigger deal to women how they feel about the guy intimate-wise.

Oh ok, I understand. I agree !

thorpido:
Sex indeed is a BIG thing in marriage!I have since found out it even applies more to women than men.

Care to explain the emboldened better ?

thorpido:
I understand where you are coming from.Like I said earlier,you can't really pick this as flawed without following the thread.Each advise here is on a case-by-case basis.
The sexual/intimacy advise there may just have been what was the issue at that time.
Sex indeed is a BIG thing in marriage!I have since found out it even applies more to women than men.
Why do you see women saying the guy is nice,has good character etc but I only like him as a friend.I'm not attracted to him.
Integrity,friendship,character,honesty,compassion etc are invaluable in choosing a partner.However,when you deal with that,physical attraction is also so important.

Sex indeed is a BIG thing in marriage!I have since found out it even applies more to women than men.

I won't argue with you on this. That was my expectations initially, I raised some points, if anybody was not comfortable with it, Simple, refute them - there were no personal angles to my posts, just opinions.
Am not a professional marriage counselor but I think most sexual issues once they are not physiological can be worked on. Infact listening to most couples, you realize that the so called lack of sexual interest as its root in some other issues not the sex in itself.


Why do you see women saying the guy is nice,has good character etc but I only like him as a friend.I'm not attracted to him.

I attribute that to foolishness and youthful exuberance. like seriously bro !
Have you ever heard of a single girl above 30 saying she only likes a guy as a friend (unless of course, he is dirt poor).
Think of it, have you ever heard of the girlfriend of a serial cheat say that ??
It's all a trick of the mind, this is what every player since Adam has realised and young women should be warned against.

Any guy who you are comfortable around, being friends with, understands you, you get along well, is responsible - please don't dull, they hardly ever come around.

One of the reason why we are having more and more of this friend zone concept has to do with the media and the swag mentality. We are being bombarded more and more by unrealistic imagery such that real people no longer fit into the fantasies we've been sold.

One of the major laws of attraction is emotional investment. The one who invests more, loves more.
The average nice guy naturally invest more in any relationship and the immature emotionally driven girl finds it hard to find the attraction because she has invested less or nothing at all.
Whereas, the bad guy fuecks (pardon my language) the girl and does not even bother calling her the next day, the foolish girl is emotionally wound up , feels used and can't wait to get any form of attention from the player. She eventually confuses that desperation for love for the guy - trust me, it works every bloody time.

So the advice, i will always give young men and women alike, put your emotions aside for a while and ask yourself, is this the kind of father/mother I will want for my kids. if this person treats me the way he/she treats other people will I still be with him- cos he will end up treating you that way.
I believe though I don't have empirical evidence that most marriages that have been damaged beyond repair are largely caused by emotion beclouding reason and desperation

Chipeculiar:
Happy easter to you wonderful friends and counsellors on this trend. I've being a quite follower here and i dont have a choice now than to seek for help.
I'm 23, finishd serving and working(tho underemployed). I met dz guy around july last yr tho av posted here before on how igbotic the guy is and i was adviced to just leave cos i didnt see any good in him. But honestly, he is a great guy and he has tried in every way to prove to me that he is serious about me. Due to ego, pride, non-challant attitude, av not treated him like a lover at all...I blamed him for virtually every thing and i was d one doing all the corrections in him. I'm a very lovely person especially to my friends but wen a guy comes around with dat word marriage...i tend to frustrate his love and dat attitude av made me loss 2 other great guys maybe its cos of age, i dont knw. Now am on d Virge of losing dz guy too, he threatened to quit and dat made me realise all my mistakes, my shakara was too much. I've begged him hoping that he will change his mind and i promise to be nice and lovely wen he comes back. But the help I need now is how do I express love with my heart. Though i'm a strong-minded person and cos of d harsh way i grew up, d major way to avoid intimidation was not to care about anyone else. Though dat attitude has changed but nt totally yet. Remember I knw my mistakes now, I just need help. Thank you

Xone3:
I have also been accused of not being caring. please based on this, how can one be caring? cos I as a person don't. I have tried but don't no how

The fact that you have expressed concern is a good indicator that your supposed 'uncaring' nature is not pathological.

But before any reasonable advice can be given, I think a little info is needed.

How was your family background ? did you grow up in a broken home. Were your parent's marriage abusive ?
Were you abused as a kid ? (either physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually)
Truth is, Most people from balanced homes were love is expressed hardly ever have problems showing care when they grow up. Being uncaring is more often than not a defence mechanism from harm based on trauma experienced in early childhood.


Again, to your present life (please this is not an attempt to condemn or be hypocritical). Do you keep multiple relationships ? have you had multiple sexual partners. Situations like this also hinder normal behaviour in interpersonal relationships because the opposite sex subconsciously becomes a thing/ something to be used for a purpose. An object for which care does not apply.

So maybe you might need to answer these questions first.

thorpido:
@pak,
I'll like to start by saying the bolded above just shows how wrong it is to come to the conclusion you have arrived at.You read the first page and you immediately arrived at the conclusion that passion and sexual chemistry is all she advises young girls to take most importantly?A thread of 90pages and still counting......
There are people on this thread who read ALL the pages before they commented.Why don't you go through all the pages before arriving at this conclusion?It may take a few days but please do.
In the course of reading,you will find some deep things which may be towards the end,or in the middle that sums up everything you need to know.
How do you think someone who thinks passion and sexual chemistry will write this below;
If you take the time to read through the thread like I said,you will see where she said she did some things that,looking back now,she would have done it differently and she does not recommend that for young ladies going into marriage or young brides.

One thing I do sometimes is if I see a comment by someone,before I respond to it,I go to the person's profile and read the person's comments made over a while.I do that to have an idea of the person's personality,thoughts etc before concluding.I'll recommend that too.

I hate to be the spoilsport on this thread but I like clarifying issues.
I don't know Babyosisi neither do I hate her, for all you care, she might be a wonderful intelligent person in real life.
My counter-post was not directed at her person or this thread or all her other posts on nairaland.

It was an objective issue based rebuttal and the background was that a young lady was confused about if the guy she is dating is 'the one' - if ever there is anything like that anyway - and she gave us a little insight into the relationship, which for me was neither here nor there.

At the end of the day, we got what was supposed to be an advice which for me was - I repeat - FUNDAMENTALLY flawed.

You said you are not compatible sexually,can you live with that all your life? - what is sexual compatibility Trust me, I have had sex with God knows how many women and I can assure you it's all in the mind. The two best partners I have had sex wise were not my specs physically - they seemed to sense my lack of interest and always put in 200%. Apart from physiological issues like weak erection, frigidity and the likes, sex is a function of what the partners put in. Your compatibility character wise is everything. That's why 'the friend zone' movement has actually done more damage to young ladies than the guys being 'friendzoned'.

Bad kisser,can you manage that? - first time in my blessed little life that am hearing kissing become a consideration whatsoever in choosing a partner.

You see I actually do not need to read her previous posts or subsequent ones to know that this particular advice was wrong and air my views.

The fact that she was wrong here does not make it impossible for her to be right later on or does not in anyway make her a bad person.

What I would rather have expected was objective criticism to the points I made or she made because quite frankly, this is not an attack on her person

babyosisi:
People,who try to attack me or discredit me usually don't succeed
Pak,this thread is not a competition
If it were,it wouldn't be 90 pages long
If you have an advise to give any of the posters please do so in a civil manner and move on and others will give theirs
Thanks

Wow! I find it rather unfortunate that you would see this as a personal attack or attempt to discredit you. Where was the sense of competition in anything I wrote and what has the length of the thread got to do with the issue at hand.

Did I make any derogatory reference to your person or marriage or family ? You gave an advice to a young lady who seemed to be at a cross-road which I felt was FUNDAMENTALLY flawed. And I called out on that, taking the pains to explain my reasons and showing the contrast to another post on this thread.

Your response anyway ends up reasserting my views on the first line of my initial post

kukuruku156:
@ pak, here.

Thanks, but I really don't get, how does it relate to not basing your decisions on passion , emotions and superficial things. because that was the point I was trying to make in my earlier post. I was trying to say issues of character, intelligence and integrity are far more important, that was my point.