₦airaland Forum

@ Christine7

It is clear from your post that your child's father is a user of the highest  order.  I dont think that the problems you are citing have anything to do with his being a Nigerian man; but rather, deal with his being a user.  I would like to discuss a few points you brought up in your original post.

First, I would like to discuss one item that some posters have already discussed.  Some posters feel that you are "pushing" the man to be with the child.  I did not get that idea from your post.  In the USA, and I would guess the UK as well, the obligation to support the child is separate and apart from his seeing the child.  If you were to go to visit a solicitor regarding what steps to take with this child, the solicitor would be duty bound to advise you to seek financial support from the man.  I live in the USA and practice law here.  If a mother receives ANY assistance from the state to help meet her needs for the child (food supplements, health care, day care, etc.), the state WILL institute proceedings to get the man to pay child support.  It appears that this is not quite the case in Nigeria.  It seems like you can easily just walk away and choose to shut the man out of the child's life if he does not want to play a part.  Here, you can not unilateraly shut the man out of the child's life because the man has rights to this child.  The government already has been identified that the man is the father of the child.  It is highly likely that the government may at some point on its own seek support payments for the child.

Secondly, it appears that the man was not interested in the child despite your pregnancy and is not trying to establish a genuine father daughter relationship with this baby.  It also appears that the man is only trying to keep up with the baby so that he can have an opportunity to say to immigration that he should stay in the country because he has a child of tender years that needs him as a father.  I doubt if he wants any relationship with the child further than this.  Please don't fall for this trick.

As to the child not carrying the father's surname, I understand this totally.  The man did not keep up with the lady during pregnancy.  For all she knew, the man could have disappeared forever.  Though I support children having the name of the father, I can understand a woman deciding not to give the child the man's name when he is barely around.  Also, I understand why the man would want the child to have his surname.  In his mind, it bolster's the appearance that he is a doting and loving father to this child that will be lost without him staying in the UK.  I don't know about the UK, but if the guy REALLY wants the child to have his surname, in my state in the USA, the guy only needs to go to the health department with the mother and sign a form and the child's name will be legally changed.  I think it only costs $7.00.  This guy just  wants to have any excuse to keep the mother in terror.  Also, don't fall for his threats to "take the child" from you.  If he REALLY wanted to take the kid, he would be around more than he is.  Also, at least in the USA, no court would take a child from the mother when the father comes around for an hour every six weeks.  Keep your appointment with your solicitor.  He or she will be able to guide you in this area.


Now, all that being said, some will still argue that they dont see why this woman would even want the child to have any doings with the father.  I would advise her not to close the door on the guy.  It is his seed.  He may one day come around and see the error of his ways.  However, I would not advise her to open it too widely, either.  I would allow him to have a relationship with the kid on my terms.  He was allowed chances to see the child and was always late and does not stay long.  The child is upset by the guy's presence.  Until he could show he was genuinely interested, I would not push my kid on him too hard.  That being said, I would definitely have the child legitimated and recognized as this man's child in my country.  You never know if the guy will win the lottery or come into some money and subsequently die.  If you have the child legitimated, this conclusively establishes that the child is the man's heir. 

As to immigration, don't help him one bit.  I would not try to hinder his efforts but I would not help either.  That help is only for someone who is faithful and loyal to you. 

Finally, the guy sounds like a world class jerk and this has nothing to do with culture or land of origin or anything.  He is just an irresponsible loser.  Go forward with your live and loving your precious daughter.

Oh, also, don't worry about those who say we "foreign women" are dumb.  I am African American.  I know African American men like the back of my hand.  I have brothers, a father, uncles, friends who are all African American.  There are things they do that are like no other man.  I don't know Nigerian men as well.  I make no apologies for that.  I treat all men of whatever origin with a level of suspicion until they prove themselves to me.  Don't beat yourself up for errors you made.  Learn from them and move on.

@dep,

I was really just warming up. I got a whole lot more questions, but thought I would not monopolize the thread.

Are you gay?

Have you ever been gay?

Have you ever had sex with a man?

Are you bisexual/downlow?

Do you harbor any gay feelings?

Do you practice safe sex every time?

To my ex husband, Thank you for teaching me that men who have made oaths to you before God and man can and do still lie. Thank you for realizing what a scum bag you were and for leaving before doing further damage. Thank you for my wonderful stepsons who still love me today as their mom but despise you for ruining home. Thank you for 3 beautiful grandbabies you never see but who love me so dearly. Thank you for teaching me that agape love is for me to give myself first. Thank you for finding me last year (after being divorced for 7 years) and asking for forgiveness. U did not know I forgave you years ago, but it was nice to hear the words. I only wish u the best and hope you will maintain a relationship with your grown sons. They love you And long for you to be a father to them. Though I did not birth them, they know they have a mother in me but as men they really need you. Visit the grandkids! Their other granddaddy died and u r all they have and they dont know you! The girl has your smile,

Sara J,
As some have already stated, you appear to have a very poor self image and low self esteem. Please realize that all the power your husband and his family have over you, was given to him and them by you. You have far more power than you realize. You are allowing yourself to be treated poorly. Love yourself first.

Excellent advice!

Put on your proof.

That is true but I bet they will charge the kid as an adult because oof the gun.

a mortar and pestle are cooking utensils. I'm American and can not think of anything like it in Jamaican cooking (I dont know enough abt Jamaican cooking) but it kind of looks like a deep bowl, made of stne or wood or something with a big club for pounding. I know u can find small versions in cooking stores.

Marriage is a covenant. That is true as many posters pointed out. However, I still hold it is part contract because though it is holy and spiritual in its creation, it is still partly a vehicle for the natural world. This is even borne out in both the old and new testaments in the bible as some have pointed out. Under Mosaic law divorce was allowed because of the hardness of man's heart. However, in the new testament, it a man was allowed to 'put his wife away' only for adultery. Also, the new testament teaches that if your spouse in unsaved and content to dwell with you, let him stay but if not let him depart for in this cause you are not bound. Though marriage is a covenant, God, in his mercy, made provision for the errors in judgment we make. The contract portion of marriage is only the agreement of the parties to be married but the duties of the parties are set forth by God and no worldly wisdom will supersede the truth or power of God's word. Parties bare bound eternally by the standard of the Word.

@ poster and rubbie and alex babe: You better hurry. I dont want u guys late for the hide and seek and jump rope games starting on the NL playground in 5 minutes

@ sammy: You are so right! I say all the time that love is a choice. You decide who you love and how much you love them.

Decide if you really love her 1st. If you do, tell her that she must cease and desist all contact with the guy. As for you, stop taking to the guy. Make a new start.

I see many are showing revulsion at the term "contract" in describing marriage.  All a contract is, is an agreement between 2 parties.  There is an OFFER and an acceptance and there is consideration.  A promise for a promise.  A contract can be perpetual in nature and can be eternal.  There is no need for a time limit.  Covenant is a contract term.  There are covenants that must be performed in order for there to be a contract. A covenant is a binding condition to a contract.  In the biblical sense, we know that a blood covenant is unbreakable.  A blood covenant, like what God gave to Abraham, bound God to perform.  All these terms are interrelated.  That is why I say that there are elements of both contract and covenant in a proper marriage.  Now, how people act and how they remove themselves from marriage are another topic.  Just because they were eternally bound by the covenant and contract, yet sought to be loosed on this side by divorce, does not mean that they will not have to pay for the breach for the contract or for violating the covenant in eternity.

NEVER!!! Some Things are not meant to be shared ever: my man, my panties, and my toothbrush!

Marriage is both contract and covenant. It is a contract from the worldly side in that there is a freewill agreement between the parties. However, it is covenant because it is a supernatural, everlasting, agreement between the parties and sanctioned and governed by God.

Thank God for what is. It coulda been worse. I know a guy who video taped him and his girlfriend having sex. When they broke up, he sent the video to her father: the pastor. Honey, thank God for the lessons learned and just IGNORE HIM. Also, thank God you did not end up married to such a cruel man!

Any man for whom I have to pack condoms, is not worth my time and will not be my man!

@ Sissy:

Girl, your post was right on point.  Yes, the woman ought not deny her husband sex, BUT, the whole mess started with the husband's ADULTERY, and thou shalt not commit adultery is a COMMANDMENT.  We all know if it was the other way around, all the guys would tell the guy to divorce the woman and start anew.  The man is trying to make the woman feel bad because of his wrong doing. That is wrong, wrong wrong.  He should at least man up and admit to his wrong and show some contrition.  The woman is just trying to look out for the health and safety of herself and her family.  That is also what the man is supposed to do! I know men are approached by women daily, but yield not to temptation for yielding is sin.  Keep yourself out of the way of the woman who would mean you no good.  It does not mean that you are less of a man, but it speaks volumes about your love for your wife and family.  If you can not remain faithful, DON'T MARRY! 

[tr][/tr]But today, where aids and the likes, makes pple lives miserable all due reckless, someone would still say "the bible says you shouldn't deny your husband sex" give me a break, i guess that's probably why many folks today especially women die with such painful diseases all in the name of love.

I know another lady who was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  Many ppl dont know that cervical cancer is caused by the human papaloma virus and that virus is sexually transmitted.  She was advised to get a hysterectomy by her doctors.  She refused because she did not want to risk not being able to have sex with her long term married lover whom she had four children with !  Well, the surgery would have saved her life, but she died.  Now, she is still unable to have sex with that man, and he has gone on with his life.  Women need to stop killing themselves for men!

I cant believe this story made it to a newspaper! Anyway, I am not Nigerian and not in Naija, but I dont think it's ever a good idea to date your staff. But then again, if I met a guy who was a driver and was smart, ambitious but found himself in his position due to circumstance, I could do it. I wont discriminate against a man for where he starts out but he must have dreams, goals and ambition to catch my eye.

[table]why would a man , who is married go out to sleep with other women for God sake. that is wrong. Now i think that woman too, should have her self to blame. She may have been preventing the man from having sex in his home, that what most of the time make men go out of thier marriage.

Women are not allowed to withhold sex from thier husband that what the bible says. expect only by fasting and prayer. If a woman withhold sex from her husband. What she is doing directly is kicking the man out to go and look for sex from other women and that is why thier are many broken homes. Your friend is also to blame for a fail marriage.

The word of God does not want to hear NO, when it comes to sex. It is a sin to say NO to your partner expect by fasting and prayer.

A man only goes outside his marriage 90% of the time if his wife does not please him. And if you do not want a broken home please your husband , not only in bed but in everyway. if you dont another woman would fill his heart.

A woman should never listen to an advice from a friend. The bible says the heart of person is very very wicked.

If a woman fail to please her husband at home another woman would help her play her role.

It is better to follow the bible than follow the folish people of the world. NEVER NEVER withhold sex from your partner.[/table]

I was so appalled by the foregoing statements.  I did not finish reading the post but needed to relay a story of which I am intimately familiar.

Back in 2000, I counselled a couple who were members of my church.  The man had an affair with a lady.  The woman wanted to stay married.  The man wanted to continue the affair but still wanted his wife too.  His wife was beautiful, professionally employed, kind and loving.  The parties both admitted they had a phenomenal sex life; however, the husband cheated for the sheer THRILL of it.  A lady at his job came into his office while he was out and got under his desk.  He came in and she was under the desk.  She performed MouthAction on him and he was hooked from then on.  She was younger, uneducated, "ghetto", and a total loose canon.  However, he was enthralled by the excitement. 

They purposed to make their marriage work, but the husband could not leave the woman outside alone.  He even told the male counsellor that the sex with the outside woman was not nearly as sweet as with his wife.  It was the thrill of illicit sex that trapped him.  After a while, the husband abandoned the wife and the wife moved to their hometown.  The husband soon moved to the hometown as well but brought the other lady.  The wife signed herself and the husband up for life insurance and as a condition of the life insurance policy, the husband and wife had to both submit to medical testing.  The wife passed the exam.  The husband was HIV positive!

The wife, being a loving, God fearing lady even took the husband back into her home and purposed in her heart to support him.  The husband never left off fooling with this other girl. 

The parties soon divorced and the wife did very well in life.  The husband went down the tubes.  They both are still alive.  The wife took HIV tests for years, all of them negative.  The husband married the lady and the lady got hooked on cocaine, marijuana and other illicit drugs.  The husband's life was ruined.

This wife never denied her husband anything but the husband was just PLAIN NO GOOD.  So, beccomrich, please dont blame the woman in the poster's story!

Also, the HUSBAND and the WIFE BOTH are prohibited from withholding sex.  Not just the woman.  Read the scriptures carefully.  Also, the man is to LOVE his wife like Christ loved the church.  I dont think this husband is exhibiting Godly love and affection toward the wife.

Yes, this is possible but shouldnt be the case among a married couple. Being in love is an emotion you make a choice to maintain. It has to be nurtured and kept alive. Many times a woman will keep her love alive for her husband but some husbands dont reciprocate. It is much easier to get a new 'fresh' lady when your wife has changed with time.

In my city in the USA, there was an internationally known bishop who married a woman who was reported to have been a prostitute before becoming a Christian. She is now in her 70s and STILL drop dead gorgeous. I do not know if the rumors were true but they have persisted for over 40 years. The bible says "If any man be in CHRIST he is a NEW creature". If God can forgive, why not man?

In the Middle East, the men wear long white robes and you rarely see Western dress.

U r not gay. Once, in my early 20s I was friends with 2 girls who were both very nice and very pretty. I had never felt so "drawn" to any girls. I had no sexual feelings, just an urge to be close to these 2 friends. I think I just admired them greatly. They were both pretty, intelligent and had great personalities. I went on with my studies and the fascination passed. I think I just wanted to be more like them both.

BTW, men all over the world claim the wife cheated on them when they want sympathy from a woman. I always assume this is a lie unless it can be verified.

Dear Ariya, I'm very sorry for the deception you have suffered, both from the man and from ur self. It matters little now how you got to this point, but rather how you get out. First, this whole situation will hinge on love, not love for him but love by you for yourself. It sounds like you got here by not loving yourself first and loving him and his needs above your own. Please, love yourself first and then you will pick men worthy of you. Now, as to his papers, I am very skeptical they are authentic. It makes no sense that he would marry and refuse to make babies with you. He is using you. Leave the guy because marriage built on deceit is not marriage at all.