₦airaland Forum

Merciful God.

Blakpot:
Sorry for the late reply man. The wknd have been a busy one. i'll read it today n get back 2 u. Tnx

Okay. I'll be waiting for your feedback. Thanks.

rafhell:
i usually don't drive my car on mondays due to lagos traffic.

i took a bus to obalende this morning and was forced to trek from obalende to VI.

To be honest i enjoyed the 35 minutes trekking.

As for me, i prefer the bikes and keke do not come back.

Lets trek as we use to do and improve our health.

its trekking for me every monday morning.

Selfish

CONGRATS!!!!!! Thank God!

Blakpot:
Oh ok I get it. U sound experienced man. I'm looking forward to the rest of the story. Will read the other part later today. Btw as if u knew I liked Tarantino movies, actually obsessed with his movies. Will also check out Lonergan. Nice chatting thanks.

I really appreciate your compliments oh, especially from a fellow scriptwriter. Please, find the attached document to this post. It is the latest and last update on what I've written so far. Of course, I won't be posting the whole script here.

Find the attached document to this post. I look forward to your feedback. Thanks.

Blakpot:
U make it look so easy. It is well written scene heading, narration n the total layout.

I like how each scene tells us something new or contributes to what we already knowknow.

The dialogue is very natural. Perhaps too natural.
At a point I felt like I was more interested in the tv dialogue than that of kemi n lanre. It was more charged had more excitement.

I will like to see more action around kemi. Maybe more emphasis should be given to her scenes to make the audience more interested in her.

I will like to see how her struggles would affect her relationship n how her character would evolve. Her dialogue i feel should have more meaty content.

I liked the scene where she had a mini breakdown, preparing for work only to realize she was unemployed. I also liked the workers layoff scene- dialogue was fun- back n forth btwn manger n emplyee.

Great script man. I feel like it has more potential tho.

Thank you bro for the critique. This is the 1st draft (in fact, I am just writing the script, far from done) of the script and will need to rework some of the dialogue and other elements like you suggested but the thing is what I was really going for was the naturalism anyway and your critique is sincerely good news to my ears.

Some movies thrive on being dramatic (or maybe cinematic like Quentin Tarantino) while some excel with being naturalistic (like Kenneth Lonergan). It also sounds more natural to you because you're a Nigerian. lol

Kemi is kinda a slightly passive character that is subject to her mother's influence but almost all you mentioned about how her struggles affect her relationship are already being emphasized in the pages that followed this excerpt. The thing with feature film script is you have to start with enough conflict to keep the interest without showing all your cards or become predictable when you still have a long way to go.

I appreciate your feedback.

Blakpot:
Thank God I found this page. As an aspiring screenwriter, I've been looking for someoneto talk to, and share ideas with.
Just downloaded ur script
When I'm through reading u'll get my feedback. Mind u I won't hold back with criticisms ��

Thanks for sharing.

I will be looking forward to your feedback. Thanks. Pls download the 2nd one I updated (check one of my comments on the thread).

Go check 'Watchmen' and 'The Leftovers'.

Best TV series in my opinion that challenge conventional thinking while grabbing your heart.

I call you Father.

...

Righteousness89:
You are trying to stop it by your power...

Cry to GOD for Help!
Release yourself to GOD ALMIGHTY..
Let Him know you are Helpless..

Years ago I used to have problem with Gambling... bet9ja, etc

I tried to Stop by all Means but I kept going back.. 3months, 6months, etc

A day came and I had Personal Time with GOD .. I poured out myself to HIM as Father and son talks..


My Brother, before I knew it, a Huge hatred for Gambling came on me... it disgusts me ...

Those acts come with a Spirit, and until the Spirits are cast out, u might keep going back and front..

Engage the Word of GOD. Make it a hobby to read at least 100 verses every day together with Fervant Prayers and Holy living..
Those spirits don't like the Word of GOD.

Locate a True GENUIE Anointed Servant of GOD.. Anoiting Breaks The Yoke..

@OP...Take this advice. The blood of Jesus washes our sins away when we give our lives to Him, but it is the Word of God that sanctifies us constantly as we journey through life. You need to get closer to His Word. Download messages of anointed ministers: I recommend Rev. & Rev. (Mrs) Olusola Areogun and Bro Gbile Akanni. Focus more on knowing God in your Christian walk and don't be distracted by your needs or wants. Let it be about trying to live holy. The Lord is your strength.

I like the tone of your thread..very honest. Not sanctimonious.

Seun:
How can the same player who thrashed Gauff under an inexperienced coach while struggling with knee problems, and defeated Andreescu and Barty with her father as her coach, lose to Coco Gauff in straight sets after hiring an experienced coach? I don't understand.

Are you the same Seun on Tennis Forum?

Anyway, my favorite of the young ladies is Andreescu.

Are they smiling ni?

fredoooooo:
Miss ya Tennis fan

Crazy day.. keys, Wozniacki, serena, Naomi .. it's like they hit me with a bullet ... all my favs gone in a day

Today is just shocking. Let's hope Federer doesn't get knocked out by Millman. Rooting for Djokovic though...

I am still shocked Coco beat Naomi. Wow. Defending champion lost to a 15-year old.

noble4d:
Well written bro. You can as well indicate if a dialogue is written in another language in parentheses.

Noted. Thank you very much.

morsadh:
Good afternoon, sir. Just reading your script. It's an interesting storyline, especially on how the machines are taking over a lot of things. I would like to believe that your story may likely be on how Kemi and Lanre's love would survive in such times. I apologise in advance if mistaken.

As for Lara, her character is quite different from what I expected in the first fifteen pages. It's quite good. Would love to see how it all plays out in the end.

Very good sir.

You are right sir. It's basically a story of 'will their love survive the trying times?' but more importantly, 'how far are they willing to compromise their individual values to keep their relationship & survive as people?' and 'Is every Nigerian willing to take any route to make it?'. The latter questions get clearer as the story goes on. Lara is a character whose story will hopefully give the script a huge weight in the end. It's basically a story about survival.

Thanks for taking your time to read.

Thegeneralqueen:
If you are not ready for marriage kindly step back

Seriously?

Iriri aye...

What is wrong with all these low-rent actresses that are known for their bodily assets than talents?

Heb 4:16: "Let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in the time of need".

F'ibukun fun oluwa okan mi!

The Lord is your strength sir. Tough times don't last, tough people do. May your daughter be healed in Jesus name. God understands how and why He allows this but there is nothing impossible for Him to also do.

Heb 4 :16: Please approach boldly the throne of grace, that you may obtain mercy and find grace to help in your time of need.

Ignatio:
Good conflicts. I never saw Lara coming, an interesting character she's turning out to be.

On the other hand I felt the script dragged a bit. Some filler scenes. Though it's left in the hands of a good director to do justice to it. But in whole it's turning out good.

I really appreciate your feedback bro. Yeah, I am introducing scenes that will pay off later and for character development.

I will like examples of scenes that you felt dragged a bit. Thanks.

I don't know her.

AwkaetitiBabe:
You know these things simply fall into place as long as both parents ain't jobless

Like it fell into place for all the Nigerian couples with jobs...

AwkaetitiBabe:
Go and marry so they'll see their grandchildren.

This is not a major reason to marry as touching as it sounds. It's more important to be, and find the right person, and regardless of whatever marital status, to be happy.

Everyone keeps asking questions as if life is a grocery list: "Hope you've finished school?" "You don't have a job ni?" "Where is the wife naa (or husband as it applies)?" "So, what are you doing now?"

No one ever asks if you're happy. And life is never a competition. Everyone's time will come. The best you can do is pray for your children's marital life.

My ranking:

1. Parasite- Masterpiece.
2. Joker
3. The Irishman
4. 1917
5. Booksmart
6. Marriage Story
7. The Immigrant (not a 2019 movie though)

Thank you Lord.

Just when you think you've seen it all...