₦airaland Forum

OK - so if I am to edit your prose - I will definitely talk to you - I will call on Friday of this week.  There is a 6 hour time difference between Lagos and the U.S. (Indiana)

In the meantime - take a look at what I did with the first paragraph and compare my "clean-up" to your paragraph.  Prior to our conversation - I want you to clean up the text that you posted and repost it for me to view before we talk on Friday.

"It was another sad day in Odofin, though it was a town popularly known for its hurly-burly, everyday street life, characterized by cacophony emanating from the blaring horns of vehicles wriggling their way in and out of traffic jams.  As far as the eye could see, the streets were alive/seething with jay-walkers scurrying to board buses among pathetic, raucous shouts from victims of purse snatchers; against that landscape my eye catches the smoky atmosphere of a burning house possibly caused by fuel mongers intertwined by the sight of garbage, different shapes, sizes and colors littered along the sides of the road, in all of this, people were inured; as this was a typical day in an African slum.  However, today’s atmosphere a bit more tense than usual, was pathetically fearful, a deeply dreary day that affected all who heard the news as the populace was gripped with much sympathy."

I made some changes - but more changes are needed even in that paragraph.

I want you to see that "clarity" and "minute detail" is needed.  You have to make the scene "come alive" to me as though I am standing next to you on the street in Lagos "seeing what you are seeing."  Talk in the first person as though your book has already been published and you are directing a movie script of that book.  Make me "the reader" see it, smell it, taste it, touch it.  That is your "duty" as a writer.  Make it seem very, very real to me.  Give me detail and "go straight to the point" - give description but cut down on "coloring the description too much."  Use only 1-2 words to describe each scene.  Example:  jaywalkers is one scene - describe them definitively without getting too wordy.  Use 1-2 words to describe each scene and be extremely graphic in your description.  Keep a thesaurus handy and experiment with different words but don't use too many words that aren't used in 'everyday conversational communication."  Also, know your audience - if this is a Nigerian audience vs. an American audience - many times those cultures use different words in their daily conversations.  So of course you would alter the book(s) to fit the audience.  The description you used to describe the burning house was good as I could completely understand it and see it in my mind.  "The smoky atmosphere of a burning house."  Is universal so I knew exactly what you were conveying.

Anyway I don't want to scare you or diminish your work - as I actually think it is "very good."  And it has quite a bit of potential.  Try to focus on the pointers I gave.  Don't change the story too much - just gain more clarity as the story line in itself is very good. 

We will talk on Friday - I will contact you on Thursday to discuss a time to talk on Friday.

I edit and proofread literature for Doctoral Students and for Authors of various Genre.  So If you want, I can edit your works, your writing.  You have a very good story line.  Your choice of words - you need to choose different words that are more common place - only use words that aren't generally used in daily conversations infrequently.  For instance, the wording "all of which people were inured to" requires the reader to have a "dictionary" at hand.  If you are looking to be published in the U.S.  - use "layman language" for the everyday man to understand.  That = sales.  If you decide to continue to utilize "uncommon words" in your prose, throw in words here or there as they should not be commonplace scattered throughout your work or you will literally lose your reader.  Your priority should be making the writing very interesting and "easy to follow" so that the reader won't want to put it down and will hurry to turn the page - as your words should drive them to want more.

You have also left words out of sentences so you will need to do more than "spell check" - you need to re-read your work prior to posting.

Overall - I enjoyed the selection you posted - with some tweaking and additional work - you actually could become published.

I have just finished editing a manuscript for a writer who is already published and the manuscript goes to the publisher in January.  I am currently working on the bibliography and index but it should hit the book shelves in the Spring 2011.