₦airaland Forum

bolanleodu:
personally i cant picture a decent girl in a club, and if she not bad and rotten, the onus is on her to discharge any doubt existing against her good virtues if any,

What type of clubs do you have near you??

And it all depends on what a decent girl constitutes to in your personal dictionary.

What type of relationship can you have without pain. Even if you escape with just a little to get over, it's still there.

I don't have a clue what the best what to call it quits is, but one of the worst is seeing the partner kissing or being intimate with another girl - cheating.

For the person doing the dumping, I guess if your guy is cheating, one look from you and storming off could convey the message, otherwise the best way to break up would be just being calm and collected, reassured in the fact that you can do so much better, no explanation no begging, no warning.

But how often do we get to pull-off these cool and clean movie scenes in life??

You take the necessary task of waiting for a reasonable amount of time, don't be too eager to jump into any agreement just because on Monday you saw a dazzling smile and a great attitude, remember there is Tuesday - Sunday and January to February.

356 days to surprise you.

Most men and women are too eager to jump into things, we're so used to things coming and going so quickly that we think that all this time taking to know the best and worst of a person is too long.

Of course you won't be able to see the complete character, but if you are very aware and smart, you should be able to see the way she may behave with others, key character traits, like telling little lies to her family and friends, you never know is the real answer.

Hi,

I want you to know that you were not singled out, your story is not rare, but it is unique.

I know that I am against abortion and I am sure the baby is very much due soon, since I doubt all this happened a month ago.

I want you to keep hope and faith, both in God and in yourself, never expect God to make all your decisions for you, as he has given you wisdom which you are free to use. From stories like this, I know that I will never sleep with my fiance, never, not until we are married.

I just want to say that this pain is great but believe me, I know women who are married with children to men who threathen their lives and they live unhappily, but for the sake of the children and the pretence of a perfect union.

I want you to accept what has done and not to dwell on the bad choice of mate, after all he 'respected' the fact that you were a virgin, but then slept with you before marriage, I mean, I'm not sure which part you played in that, but that was a sin also, I know you have been a 'good' girl like you said, but being a good person goes far much more beyond keeping your virginity. Becoming one of God's favoured children takes much more than not sleeping around. I am not judging any religious commitments you may or may not have had, I am merely saying that what has happened has happened, your goal should be forgiving yourself.

He was cruel, so cruel he had to run away.

Most people learn their lessons through heartbreak from simple relationships, but it seems to me that this might have been your first major relationship, he took you for a ride.

I mean people are always warning us about how women are so cynical and sceptical of men these days, doesn't this serve as an example? Well, I believe that you will not make the same mistake again.

Okay, the child, it all depends on you, what you believe you should do, you should listen to your heart and use your God given wisdom, after all we are humans and we rarely know the perfect or even right answer.

If you have decided to keep the baby, you might like to move with your family for now, it is so embarassing to our culture how a woman in your position can be looked upon so shamefully yet, all those video women are looked at as being attractive and sexy, independent & modern women. You no longer have anything to be ashamed about, he should be ashamed, maybe it's because he is not there to be ashamed that the emotion has been transfered to you.

If you have the baby, he/she now becomes your priority, and he should not be a child of burden, maybe your mother could help you look after your baby. You are not the only woman who this has happened to, leave justice to God, you needn't place a curse on the guy (considering you are a true believer of justice through the end means - God).

In time, all the awful deeds that man has done will catch up with him.
You're in my prayers. . .

What are your biggest worries right now??

lazeal:
DO YOU KNOW THAT DESPITE ALL THIS, I DID NOT ASK HER FOR SEX AND SHE WAS A VIRGIN? WELL THAT WAS THE MISTAKE I MADE.

Hi,
The above is NOT the mistake you made, the mistake you made was in trusting her from the very beginning when she didn't earn it, nor did she show a good character. Read what you wrote below, here are the warning signs.

and one day she told me that she was going to start dating a guy because of money. AGAIN she told me that she did not execute her plans and that she was not going date any guy.

After some months she started behaving strange. her attitude became something else.

What type of girl will jeopardise her relationship because of finances, are you that cheap to her?? She insisted on changing boyfriends/cheating because you were not supporting her financially, this was probably her way of guilting you into providing for her, she doesn't love you, if she did she would not want to be burden to you, she wouldn't want to give you ultimatums, and she would not want to cheat.

I started suspecting that she was already dating some one in PH. i would call her at night, she would not want pick my call. instead she would be on phone with some else. some time she would insult me. Despite all this i kept playing my role as i should. if she needed money i would send to her send her money, if she needed recaharg card i would send it to her. I never said no,even if i did not have i would say " I will try" and really i always tried.

She was acting differently, she was ignoring you, as far as I'm concerned, the relationship was non-existent to her at this point in time. You never said no, you know what happens when parents don't say no to children; monsters are created, they don't care, they don't spend a second on thinking about the result of their actions, they only think about themselves. You should need to be strict with a 'grown' 'woman' anyways.

behold when she came, i picked up her phone and i saw  a love text message from a guy. i asked her what was the meaning of this she did not answer me.

That should have been the final straw, she's cheating and she has no remorse.

FORGET the apologies, forget her wanting you to have sex with her, she is only saying it, so you are forced to take her back, she has lowered herself to nothing but a sex object, believing that sex will cure all the problems in your 'relationship'.

We talk about women feeling insecure and staying with men who treat them wrong, but I have seen many cases of the role reversal. Don't you think you deserve better?? I mean hopefully you see that though her actions were bad you allowed yourself to get into such a situation, you fueled the fire and accepted standards that you can't even call standards.

Now that the other guy has used her, she comes running back to you, the good guy, to catch her before she falls.

One good piece of advice, leave her, and find a girl who won't ask for your money, who will provide for you and you will want to natural and freely provide for her, a woman who will love you, and will trust you and will prove this to you.

IF FOR ONE SECOND, you think about taking your revenge on some innocent girl, I will say in advance shame on you, for you will be doing exactly what your ex did to you, you will be playing her for a fool, and that is painful, the same pain you're feeling now will be transfered to her. You just have to count your loses and move on, she isn't worth another second of your time. It takes time for human beings to change, there's too much coincidence that this guy disvirgined her and left her, and now she has suddenly realised you're the one. Come on!! She didn't realise that before??

I'm sceptical about her return, I think you deserve a fresh start and a clean slate.

osbar67:
To me,It does expetially when there's no chance of meeting regularly to correct it.But when there are chances of meeting regularly it could be corrected.

Yes, I guess, sometimes the first impression is the last impression you get of a person. I still know people from back when I was younger, and they still see me as this little innocent girl. It's impressions like those that make people underestimate people.

olelle:
They say "First impressions are often wrong"

That's true, and people change.

larez:
Topup:

I can understand that academia evokes thoughts and thinking processes. Since you are currently working on your post graduate course, you may be inspired to think outside of the box. This is a good thing, don't get me wrong. I infact encourage you to do this. However, there is a problem, and it needs to be resolved first. This is where the current focus should be in my estimation.

I moved out of Nigeria in 1980. This was about the time that Shagari became President of Nigeria. Since then, Nigeria has digressed and actually moved back in time while the rest of the world moves forward. My observation indicates that there may have been a concerted effort to destroy progress made in Southern Nigeria, which has been successful. Where are the Cocoa pyramids, and the Oil palms? Did you know that Nigerians were sent to Malaysia and Indonesia to train them on how to raise and Farm the Oil Palm?

In the case of planning, Lagos is my home state and My early years were all in Lagos. I can remember places like Takwa Bay that had beautiful blue waters and we used to beach our boats and sometimes stayed overnight in some of the huts (chalets) that we rented. Lagos was beautiful then, and many regular folks on Sundays laid out blankets along Marina to picnic while watching the beautiful display of lights from Ships. Security was not an issue, and we'd picnic until 10.00-11.oopm.

The Military created the 2nd destruction of Lagos methodically, and rumour has it that it was on purpose, because the North felt threatened by the quick progress and advancements that Lagos was making. I will refrain from getting into politics and resume my focus on the subject at hand.

Since as early as 1954, Lagos and Ibadan had been comprehensively mapped out by the U.S Army corp of Engineers. Were you aware that there used to be a Seaport (Airport) on the waters between Lekki and Ikorodu, where amphibious planes landed? Did you know that Lagos was a famous detination for European travelers to Africa for recreation, even more popular than Kenya? Did you know that Lagos had another Airport at Kirikiri and there used to be many international flight and plane shows there (Sponsored by Esso)? At these shows, did you know we could board the planes to inspect them and even paid to take 30 minutes flights on some planes? Did you know that the then USSR actually came after Festac '77, and setup a planetarium in Lagos for like 2 months, complete with replica Soyuz capsules and everything you needed to know about space? There was even a zero gravity chamber. This was also open to the public.

At the rate that Nigeria is going backwards, we should be glad with mimicking progressive Nations and playing catchup rather than trying to reinvent the wheel. We have the advantage of building upon time tested technologies which they have worked on already. Nigeria is yet to build any kind of "Wonder" and the closest that we had was the National theater for the Black and African Festival of Arts. It was a beautiful piece of art which involved the works of a great Nigerian Artist named Emokpae.

Infrastructure should be our focus which has restrained proper growth, and caused a lot of shack cities in Lagos. I believe that the British conspired to screw us up by imposing the "Plot system" on us rather than allowing us to think in terms of "Lots" as in America. Once a Nigerian sees a piece of property, they immediately think of how many 60'X120' plots they can squeeze out of it. This is a paradigm that is ridding us of green spaces within cities, and hence an unhealthy livestyle. Everything is a hustle and everyone is a hustler. Nigeria really needs a paradigm shift.

To address the issue that brought up this discussion, I will say that it is a travesty that the 3 Bridges connecting Lagos mainland to the Island are not Suspension bridges. The other day while driving across Carter Bridge, I noticed that it had been designed to allow the middle part to raise. It is also revealing when I remember that Eko Bridge actually has a Tower, and has long spans in the middle to allow potential. However, 3rd Mainland Bridge is an economic sabotage of Lagos, and I believe that it will need to be torn down to allow Marine Navigation in the future.

If Lagos Planners had any exposure and professional pride, they will have studied how cities/states with large bodies of water handled developments. The water itself is usually the economic foundation of these areas. The United States currently have learned lessons and have blasted down many dams, while creating fish ladders etc, at the remaining ones to minimize impacts on nature as well as navigation. The British have created water locks and extensive mechanisms to create more efficient water transits. I will post some transport data about the efficiency of barges as compared with other forms of transportation. There is no comparison at all. You will be shocked.

Lagos should have at least one suspension bridge linking the Island to the edge of Apapa. There should be one linking to Iganmu, and another linking to Ikorodu. The center part over the water crossing of 3rd mainland bridge should be destroyed, and a ramp built leading to a suspended part to allow for water navigation. Looking at Carter Bridge and Eko Bridge, I believe the original design allows for a retroactive installation of an active system to allow the center parts to be lifted for ships to navigate through. River Osun and River Ogun should be dredged to allow for low draft Barges to navigate them. Containers heading North and East should be automatically offloaded at the Ports into Barges destined for Ikorodu, Ijebu Igbo, or Abeoukuta via River Oshun and Ogun accordingly. These barges would include fuel barges as well. The Port at Ikorodu was built to allow this to happen until our Northern leaders decided and conspired to sabotage Lagos. Now Dangote controls it.

The Western world will never allow the amount of traffic issues that we see in Lagos continue for more than 2 years. They will realize that traffic jams in their cities amounts to failure in their planning. This oversight will be corrected in a manner of urgency, and immediately becomes priority. However, in Nigeria, we fail to understand the impact of lost man hours has on the economy due to traffic jams. Achievements that can be made in a day has to stretch to a week or more because of transportation problems. This has also affected the general paradigm of the people because they are now used to traffic causing goals to become unattainable. It is also a good excuse for inefficiency as people make up stories about traffic.

A good example of our backwardness is the proposed 10 lane highway to Badagry, from Iganmu. The process of constructing this will destroy both the Lagos/Isolo expressway, and the Ikorodu expressway as well. Mark my words. Do you know the logistics that it will take to move all the granite and other material that it will take to build this? Do you know how many truckloads it will require to get this job done? Do you know the amount of added traffic congestion that it will create? In any civilized nation it will be tantamount to madness to try to do this by road. Supplies are basically from Abeokuta, Ibadan, and Ijebu Ife. If things are properly planned, Ijebu Ife will terminate at a dock at Epe, Ibadan will terminate at a dock at Majidun or Ikorodu, and local traffic will be unaffected, except for the short runs from dumps along the Badagry water front. This is how logistics are planned in civilized Nations, and developments is never tantamount to making life hell for inhabitants. Lifetime Costs Cycle Analysis includes lost time caused by traffic to inhabitants.

I am lamenting here because of the frustration that I feel about knowing efficient and proper ways of doing things, but continuing to see the backwardness that we embrace in Nigeria while claiming to be pursuing progress. I wish and have tried to get to Governor Fashola just to advise him about potential pitfalls and more efficient systems and ways for planning. I have consistently studied Satellite imagery of Lagos extensively and now tend to believe that some of these expatriates are actually out to sabotage us and stifle our development. I sometimes wish to get a chance to Master plan an unspoilt area such as Calabar, or even Uyo because I believe that proper planning will jump start the economies of these areas and lessons learned from Lagos, will be used to avoid pitfalls.

I have learned to love Nigeria again in the past 4 years, and it kills me each day watching clueless people destroy it further by failing to plan for it's future. This is why my previous response may have been harsh, because at the moment Nigeria and Nigerians should forget about reinventing the wheel, but focus on exposures worldwide, and mimic what works best to get us started on the right track. We should be studying the true costs of Infrastructure plans over a time factor, instead of cheap immediate gratification that are more expensive on the long run.

I hope you don't feel offended by my previous remarks. It was only a venting of the frustration I am going through from feeling impotent about not being able to do anything in regards to mistakes being made in Nigeria. It even hurts me more when I see a Great Governor finally in my home state trying to do positive things, but not being able to be reached with advise that can enhance his goals. Most Nigerians with their so-called expatriate advisers are usually coming up with ideas that will fatten their pockets rather than the overall good of the community. I therefore apologize it you feel slighted by my previous remark.

I really do agree with everything you've said in the above paragraphs, and it's expressions like this that show you are working with and not against. I completely understand why you feel frustrated, it is understandable, Nigeria has so much potential, in fact you have so much potential but yet, we are barely making progress.

I would like to ask for permission to post your article on my blog (giving proper references where needed), it is inspiring, I almost feel like gathering a petition, Nairaland might be a great place to start.

You are abundant with information, I just wish that one day you will get that response from Governor Fashola, this travesty cannot be allowed to continue in Nigeria.

I really do feel that action is needed.

Have you received responses from the governor yet??

ThiefOfHearts:
You people need to get over Johnny

Geez.

Ummm why?? Have you got a replacement??

I think James Marsden is pretty cute, but he's married with 2 kids.

I like low-key actors like Johnny Depp too , as in the ones who stay out of the limelight.

ThoniaSlim. . lovely fringe

C2H5OH:
top, remember when I asked for your hand in marriage because I was seriously jocking you, but you refused to even look my way 
I knew instantly at that point that you do not like me at all.
Karma

I don't remember, we're on the romance board there are hearts floating around everywhere, who knows maybe there was somebody reading who wanted to marry you, yes YOU!! You could have jeopardised your chances!!

Karma for who??

C2H5OH:
NoOOOOOOoooooooo!  Why would you do that?
Tope is my given name to you. I think it fits. I don't know about that .
Dont you know that immediately after I log on I look forward to reading those groundbreaking contributions you have to make haha, you're humouring me, how kind of you, and my only method of distinguishing them from other entries are by length & color.

Maybe you've grown weary of us.

Even I have trouble of finding my posts on Nairaland, how do you do it??

Well, great thoughts here.

I think yes, for most people a bad impression sticks more than a good one. People are already really sceptical today and if you make one mistake, they can easily believe that everything else has been a pretence. I mean how many times have friends fallen out because of one sentence that may have gone too far in an argument, will they forgot, probably not, in fact, we'll tend to think that the girl was fake during the 3 years of friendship, we tend to think that if a person is truly a good person they will not be caught off-guard but that is not always the case, in fact it rarely is, I have never met someone who was one dimensional, I have experienced bad and good sides of people and you just have to accept it that people have sides, people have different behaviours and we can't form a proper picture of someone in a short amount of time.

Some people are even better at covering their behaviour, so you just will never know.

For me first impressions mean nothing, what means more is when I see the person behaving when I'm not there.

C2H5OH:
LMAO Tope your posts crack me up sometimes sef, I don't know why.

She will never trust him again - Can he ever completely trust her again after her foul play on him?
Ship will start to crumble - Ship crumbled the very moment that other blackman inserted his memory stick into her usb port

Fair point.

That sounds so annoying, he sounds pretty self-centred. You've explained that you don't want to be burden to him right?? That way he should know that you withhold info. for his own good not because you don't trust him.

He sounds like he thinks his problems matter more than yours because he hasn't really addressed why he wasn't able to pick up his phone, I can understand why you were scared but I tell you, it's important to learn the lesson to be independent in your own way, never rely on anybody, man or woman, try and be strong and have safety measures, because what happens if anything ever happened to these people and they were no longer able to help you in your time of need.

Please put out more safety measures.

All the best with speaking to him and both of you opening up and finally discussing this issue - which before your car stopped working, was only an issue for him.

Ask your girlfriend, that's the quickest and most accurate way of finding out.

C2H5OH:
Tope where/how have you been

LOL< this isn't Tope, though I guess it could be one of my many names, I have been on Nairaland, I have just stopped using coloured fonts because too many of you were complaining about it hurting your eyes. .

No where in your post did you mention loving her, and if you don't love her, you should let her go, not only did she cheat, but you don't even love her, you were planning to deflower her but you weren't planning on marrying her.

YOU SHOULD NOT BEAT HER because:

- She is a human being,
- She is not your dog, animal or child, to discipline, she is an adult who can make her own decisions,
- She will never trust you again if you beat her,
- The relationship will start to crumble,
- I have never heard of a relationship becoming stronger and bringing the two people closer because the guy beat the girlfriend, so you are bound to lose her, whether physically or emotionally or both,
- It is disrespectful and shameful for a man to lay his hands on a woman,
- Two wrongs don't make a right,
- Once you beat her, you will never be able to move on from that, it makes it a bigger event,
- You don't love her, so you wouldn't even be beating her out of love you'd be beating her probably because your pride is suffering,
- You want a refund, not her love, you thought you could buy a woman's affection and loyalty, and hopefully you have learnt your lesson, this refers to Ujujoan's topic about men wooing women with gifts, if all men became bitter because of the 'gifts' they were giving I would make sure I avoid receiving gifts from someone I'm not fully committed to i.e. fiance then, or am I to expect a beat down if I don't love him in return??

This shows that something obviously wasn't right in the relationship, and it's better to find this out now than later. Until you suggested about beating her, I was really ready to give you some open advice, but for you to even consider this is pretty disgusting. It's 2009 people!!

Thank you for your reply.

larez:
And what is wrong wih being like the rest of the world? Criticism for the sake of criticism without careful thoughts reflects a desperate need for intellectual recognition. Have you even thought of the reasons for Suspension bridges? The unwise decisions by unqualified leadership and dumb so-called professionals are the direct causes of deprivation of the future enjoyment of generations to come.

"Criticism for the sake of criticism without careful thoughts reflects a desperate need for intellectual recognition." - Larez, and please can you explain what this means, I'm not sure it makes sense.

I am beginning to wonder if you are ever questioned in the statements and decisions you make, as I don't get the impression that you welcome it. Am I supposed to fear criticising, for fear of being labelledf a person who needs desperately some 'intellectual recognition.'??

It is a reasonable question, it is not a criticism, it is a question, a question which I thought could open up further topics about the different technologies introduced into the world. If it isn't the case, and Nigeria isn't simply trying to be like the rest of the world, then that could have been argued in your response.

I believe that if we do not make an effort to at least cater to our country, then we will just end up with those American style houses in Lagos, I am determined that Nigeria becomes a leader and pioneer and not just a follower as in the world of construction and architecture, there are many followers. If you don't believe that such values are important, then that's your opinion as this is mine.

It would just be nice to see some original concepts emerge from Nigeria, yet at the same time I am able to appreciate the 'good' choices in the world, which we could simply implement in our own country.

mahal:
Frankly, i see nothing wrong in having some of this monumental beauties in our major cities or wherever it's suited, we could even personalize them

Yes I agree, there are many examples where this type of bridge will be suited, I just believed that there are many areas where Nigeria could create some 'monumental beauties'. I am sure who ever proposed the 53billion Naira Millenium Tower must have felt that was a necessary 'monumental beauty'.

She owns her own body!!

Are we interested in introducing suspension bridges in Nigeria or are we just wanting to 'be like the rest of the world' ??

Does anyone know of any design competitions based in Nigeria??

The best way to learn such skills associated with such a job, is to follow and watch one in action, understudy one. Hopefully you will learn the basics and practical skills, some that you can't learn from reading a book or internet page.

dblock - those renders show good progress, though they are a little fuzzy. Did you use indigo?? I use indigo renderer and it fuzzes things up. Were they designed using sketchup??

Mahal - I think Nigerians need to really understand and appreciate the NIA much like the AIA and RIBA do. In the field of Architecture it is every architect's goal to be recognised and belonging to one of those associations can help when it comes to networking.



Like most careers it is important to never undermine the importance of networking, I have noticed that if you stick with the right people, and follow the 'flow' you are more likely to succeed than if you decided to start-off completely alone. I think this is another subject that causes many students and architects to really fear the industry. After all, how is a person supposed to belong to an industry which boasts creativeness, yet there is an obvious undercurrent of trend and fashion.

Lastly, I'm disappointed that this topic has been un-stickied, raised my hopes for nothing really.

Comments on what exactly??

You were both having sex outside of marriage, which is frowned upon by both religions, you both have to genuinely want to stop before you can stop, otherwise you'll both continue. It was obvious that both of you didn't want to stop even throughout her Ramadam.

Still very unsure about what the original poster is asking for in replies.

Hi,

I've met so many people telling me, you're so different from when I first met you, and they refer to things I say and do, as if they are shocked that a person could have a personality and not be one dimensional.

Question:
Does where you meet a person of the opposite sex determine how you will relate to them, this question is for guys, but I guess anyone can chip in if they feel like it.

Suppose, you met a girl in church, your first impression might be that she is a religious and devoted girl, sensible and mature, but if you were to find a picture of her on facebook with an outfit you consider slightly revealing, would your initial opinion disappear or would you tend to make excuses for her; 'she was probably caught off-guard in that picture.' 'she probably wouldn't do things like that.' 'this picture is probably an old one.'

Scenario two, imagine you met another girl in a night club, so you might think she might have a wild side, and has probably had a few flings, maybe even one-night stands and as you're flirting with her later and telling her how attractive she is and was on the night you first saw her, she tells you she's not into that she doesn't want you talking about her like that, and then when you're talking about things that matter to you, she quotes a few scriptures that mean a lot to her, would your opinion of her change or would you think; 'there are so many Christians out there who know all the quotes and don't follow it.' 'she probably was raised in a Christian household but has gone in a different direction now.' 'She's probably trying to impress me, or to make me think she's not cheap 'cos I saw her in a nightclub.'

Basically, does the first impression stay with you even long after you've met??

There are things that money can do that show affection, like paying your bill so you don't have to worry and you can have a romantic stress-free evening. Or filling your car fuel, or picking you up for work, or buying your travel tickets for you.

However, it's the outwardly showing-off type of gifts that start becoming less about the relationship and more about the statements. What it appears to your girlfriends, who you get to brag about your guy infront of, what it means to you, because you start seeing that money is no issue for your guy, and for your family, friends and everyone else who gets to see the luxuries that your guy has afforded you. These things are the ones that sometimes make me question the genuinity of the guy, I mean guys like to treat their loved ones, like everybody does, but I just hope that it doesn't become a way of pacifying the girlfriend - keeping her happy and sweet with gifts.