₦airaland Forum

Hi, why does your story remind me of so many others. My friend from the UK went to Nigeria this summer, and so many guys have said the same thing to her also, and it's not difficult to keep in contact and make effort to chat and form a relationship with someone, even if they're abroad, especially as you can use the internet with so many different programs to communicate with the other. The person who 'fell in love' with her, also confessed to their feelings increasing, but this is typical of a naive person.

You are 18 so you have plenty of time, any guy who gives you a time limit obviously wasn't into you in the first place. Whilst you're here asking for help, he might be doing the same or he could be counting his chances of getting with you, and seeing if he can acquire backup, if things fail with you.

For some people, the idea of being in this crazy Romeo and Juliet, distanced lovers scenario is so interesting, and they can get all tied up, emotionally.

Only time will tell whether he is worth it, you just have to decide which is worse for you, losing him, or jumping into things and then having a terrible emotional breakup.

A song exists for everything, this is an uncomfortable issue for many people, not necessarily an uncomfortable song, but I think like another poster said the song is relevant, who knows maybe a child suffering this kind of abuse will listen to it and gain courage to report such incidents. Who knows, they might realise that they're not alone, they might realise that they can speak out about it. Who knows. .

I'm left wondering, as I read the intricate discussions amongst Nairalanders; "Are the details of Nigerian politics so transparent?"

We know all the facts, all the details, and so when 1 + 1 is not made to equal 2 it seems people are left feeling cheated and hopeless.

Seems like the average Nigerian knows who the guilty and the culprits are, by first and last name, yet it seems as if the government is pretending not to be aware.

Most good looking guys I know are the cockiest, I think you probably expect them to be so you don't notice them, you only notice the shy good looking guys and the cocky not-so good looking guys, I mean I'm sure you've met a lot of shy not-so good looking guys, but it's 'expected' in society to you don't batter an eyelid,

Kobojunkie is correct, I was completely unaware of this development, and I'm sure a lot of Nigerians are. I know I don't live in Kaduna but I would have been delighted to congratulate and support any improvement, however, if the people are not included, they are left out, and there is less connection between them and the new projects.

I know in this area of urban deisgn, not everyone can have a say, but I sure hope they have somehow informed the people of Kaduna, after all they should aiming towards consumer satisfaction, ultimately the consumer will always be the people.

FLGators:

Topup, those questions do not matter.

She's abusing and beating him. I don't know why people continue to differentiate female abuse from male abuse. They're both morally wrong.

He. . . .the poster. . . . needs to take her back to her village, because if he starts his own beating, her family go soon plan a funeral. Rem. female beating is not really taken as a crime, esp if he's herhusband.

I haven't even given my advice lol and you're assuming I've got double standards. The idea is that I want to understand the reasons behind the deeper problems, the deeper problems matter more than the beating, I mean everyone who abuses someone has a reason for doing so. If we see why the beating occurs, then maybe he can prevent it. I'm not quite clear on who's beating who, a post back on page one mentioned it might be the guy saying he's beating his wife because of it.

Even if he did deserve a beating, I would not advocate it, but there is advice where you tell the person to avoid/leave because the person will never change, and there is advice that you would tell them why things happen, and then advise them to observe if there are changes.

Trying the best within a marriage is much better advice to give than telling everyone to walk, out give and leave.

Dandruff can be caused by a sensitive scalp, maybe it's the products you're currently using, alternatively it could be from ack of using products that can moisturise and 'hydrate' the scalp. Oils are good, they're good, because whilst your scalp is still dry, they help to conceal the dryness, so it covers and solves the problem, try the creams and oils mentioned by other posters .

Someone mentioned that 'Dbanj' and 'ideal african woman' don't go together, and their right!! One of the show's unstated missions surely should have been to convince us that Dbanj deserved such a woman AND he could handle one, but the match just doesn't work.

The whole show just seems very confusing. .

Hi,

You're not alone, the exact same thing happened to someone that is very close to me, it all depends on whether the guy changes, luckily for us he changed - but probably by force, but before he changed, she had to create some physical distance.

A cruel man who controls everything i.e. money, life, when you get pregnant can abuse these. He knows you can't fend off for yourself, that you have to ask or beg before you can get any money, and it's like all your decisions are in your hands. Another man may nurture his wife and protect her, and encourage her to achieve her goals, maybe even to start her own career.

Your husband has got you in such a bad position because he probably thinks that you will never be able to leave, his mum and sister probably give him bad advice and they probably encourage him to beat you to 'keep you in line'.

Well, it was about 20 years after everything started that the mother-in-law apologised. Can you picture the gravity of a 80+ year old woman (husband's mother) and her 40+ year old daughters on their knees begging for forgiveness to the woman? Miracles happen. People change, but you can't rely on them, you have to use wisdom, this could be a very dangerous environment for your children.

What are your options?

It definitely exists, it completely depends on your friendship circle, a bunch of really focused Christian friends will be used to the idea, whilst if you're chatting to a couple of guys and girls in a bar, even if they ever considered or thought about it, most probably than not they would not feel comfortable to say so.

It's become an anti-current/cultural movement, but it exists.

Everyone is doubtful on Nairaland, are Nigerian girls so untrustworthy??

I think you should take everything with a pinch of salt, use your own common sense and wisdom. When she tells you something, take it as honesty, unless it is so obvious that she is lying, if you are suspicious of her from the get go, it says a lot about your own intentions, are you with her just for her virginity?? If she told you she wasn't would you leave her?

The way I see it, love is not practical.

Wow Gabry, that's one experience, and scary too, was that guy trying to kidnap you??

I've had to run before also, it's quite scary, but it makes an interesting story, with a cringe of course.


I don't think all the girls are cheap, but like all Gabry's friends made fun of her for being a virgin, that's how it is these days, and sometimes people will even make fun of you if you don't have casual sex, even if you're not a virgin. Sex is everywhere and I try and not get frustrated when I'm watching movies or listening to songs. All songs will have 'I love you, so I'm gonna make love to you.' but is love= sex?? I still remember my family driving back from church and they were playing 'Make love in the club' on the radio.

I get really frustrated about it, not that I don't like the idea of sex or doing sexy things, but promiscuous people and lifestyle just gets on my nerves. What about the song 'promiscuous girl!!@ Girls younger than me were singing that in highschool and I was thinking if only you know what it means.

It's cool to be sexy these days, some girls would rather look sexy than beautiful, I think girls have less pressure also to 'act' moral, so the girls who would have kept everything under covers are now more open about their escapades. .

Sexual liberation they call it. . Girl power and equality. . as if. . That kind of lifestyle will always favour men more than women. . lol

Fredique:
You have a strong argument. . However, The reason I'm not optimistic about social housing in Nigeria is the institutional context (low-cost housing is actually the theme of my dissertation). Not because social housing in itself cannot work. I believe social housing should be a component of the welfare package of the state. The Scandinavian countries you mentioned are predominantly welfare states. Nigeria (and most african countries) ever since the IMF imposed structural adjustment programme have tended towards market driven neo-liberal policies. Social housing is not consistent with those neo-liberal policies. No government who claims to be privatizing government buildings like they have done in lagos and Abuja, as well as deregulate petroleum product will buy into the idea building social housing.

In the UK, the conservative government under Tatcher privatized council housing and provided a route to home ownership. It's because of the privatization paradigm that government staff housing was privatized in Abuja. In the US it has also failed because of the predominantly capitalist paradigm (there may be other reasons)

I agree that the Nigerian government should be socially responsible and have welfare packages. I'm not saying the reasons are justified. I'm just saying that social housing is unlikely in the present policy context. In a more developed democracy, this would be an issue of debate between political parties. That's why you have right wing parties (favouring neo-liberal policies) and left wing (favouring big government spending on social services). Unfortunately, that is not the case in Nigeria. The differences between the political parties are not ideological, hence peole change parties at will for selfish reasons. Unfortunately again, there are outside forces. Nigeria still depends on foreign loans (yar'adua took one recently). The loans come with 'conditionalities' and alot of the 'conditionalities' are in sympathy with neo-liberal policies. let's not forget that the inability to follow through with programmes because of corruption and beaureacratic inefficiencies in the case of Nigeria will add to the problem with institutional context. This is a reality that can not be ignored in Nigeria (at least for now)

The other thing is that you would want it to be sustainable. In other words, building 2000 houses this year, would not cause a dent in the hundreds of thousands living in slum settlements if it is not instituted by law as a policy that is to be continued and sustained.

In a larger global context (that is with respect to developing countries), this debate has actually moved from social housing, to sites-and-services, and then to self-help. Now what is predominant in low income housing discourse is community-initiated housing (which is what I am investigating). That seems to be the way of the future. It has its own problems, but its strenght lies in the fact that it seeks to leverage on the processes that the poor have used over time to build for themselves (eg slum settlements) to find solutions to the low income housing problems in developing countries. It is a bottom up approach that seeks to build communities and address other social issues.

I'm trying not to be academic here but I believe you get my drift.

I must say that your response is fantastic, I completely understand the reasons behind your opinions now, and they seem justified.

I can see how community-initiated housing can be more beneficial, this agrees with the ideas of urban design where the use of focus groups is maximised, when people feel like they have a say and a certain amount of ownership over their community, then they tend to feel accountable for their surroundings, rather than feeling like a block of buildings and surroundings have been emposed on them, they can feel as if they chose their dwellings.

To the poster, like someone else has mentioned, your wife probably thinks that she has her side of the story to tell, for all she knows you may have changed after the wedding or she found something out about you which you may have not thought she'd know.

My first question is:

- Have you changed, have you become more agressive, lazier?
- Have you been showing her attention and affection?
- Have you broken any of the promises you made to her, or any vows?
- Have you forgotten any special events?
- When you were to get married, did she seem completely thrilled and on the wedding day too?

Analyse the answers you find to these questions, hopefully your answer will be there.

posakosa:

No need to block an ex. Just defriend him.

Blocking removes them from your friends list AND prevents them from finding your profile online and reading messages from you to mutual friends.

LOl the post by Hollandis was clever, I was getting frustrated by the numbers in the middle of sentences, but it's really sweet, but also quite confusing as the negative things were said in the first place and so it's up to the person reading to judge which one they really believe.

Dear X,

Yes, I blocked you on Facebook because I don't think you deserve to know what's going on in my life anymore, goodbye now.

Positivity:
@ Topic: I wouldn't exactly say she got away, but I couldn't bring myself 2 do it 4 some inexplicable reason. Quite weird considering the fact that my hard-on was really bulging @ thetime and the babe in question is unbelievably beautiful.

Something simply held me back. . . true story y'all.

What held you back? Did the woman in question want to do it also, that makes a whole lot of difference, she can't get away if it wasn't by her choice that she didn't have sex.

I'm talking about the girlfriend who has a boyfriend who wanted to be with her just for the sex, but she wanted something more serious and took the relationship slower than the boyfriend would have wanted. Anyways, despite his many attempts to woe her, or turn her on, she resisted, unlike the many other girls who gave in, who ate their words as they allowed the guy to pounce on them or they themselves pounced on the guy after much persuasion.

The idea is that this girl 'the one that got away' stood by her word, if she hadn't she surely would have been bedded, and then the relationship ends, probably due to her refusing to have sex, or having tolerated enough pressue.

Immediately after the guy is furious, he feels teased, and he probably doesn't want anything to do with the girl, but over the years and with more maturity, the guy sees that she was special because unlike all the other girls she stood by her word, and for that she holds respect.

Is this story/idea familiar to any guy??

mecussey:
Tope2000, but it's true; women are prone to suffer after breakups; that is the more reason why I advise some of them to try to make up but not desperately. I could not believe that my last Ex I never wanted to think of again in my life called to tell me that she is still alone, I had to hang up on her and put off my phone through out the hole day, wasn't I stupid?

Lol, wow, that was a bit harsh, but if she was always trouble, chances are she still will be, people change, but when they call to update you about their loneliness, it can just be gameplay for them. . The next question could have been; "Are you single?" and then "Wanna meet up." lol. .

[quote author=TOPE2000! link=topic=306006.msg4306497#msg4306497 date=1249510815]Not necessarily
For a girl the biggest revenge u can ever have on ur EX is to date someone better that way u wud look more gorgeous even to urself [/quote]That's what I believe too, and most if not all my female friends say; "you need to put some pictures up on facebook, and when that ex sees you he'll be jealous and wish he never. . ."

Most guys when they breakup want nothing to do with the girl again, whilst most girls tend to feel a little pain rather quickly and can do things to get back at the ex.

I think passive revenge is the sweetest, it appears unintentional

Most women I know tend to look better after breaking up with a boyfriend. For them it is an excuse to hit the gym, to finally start that healthy eating plan, to drink more water, to have surgery, to go out more. I'll be damned if any ex I bump into has a reason to feel smug about themselves .

So it seems to me, that breakups mean a lot more to women, and women appear to be more affected by break ups and so it can work in their favour if the result affect is 'to take control of life' or 'do something extra'.

What are your opinions, check out the poll - vote. GUYS ONLY!!

When you've met or run into your exs again have they looked better than they did when you left them/broke up? If we more men say yes, that must mean that my theory's correct, if we have more men saying no, that must mean that my theory's incorrect and that breakups have no effect on a woman's desire to 'up her game' and become 'sexier', if anything it might prove that the breakup had a negative effect on her which is the opposite of my theory.

Fredique:
Social housing even in predominantly welfare governments does not work for several reasons:

1-the demand always exceeds the provision generating very long waiting lists.
2-Fiscal burden on government to both build, service and maintain the buildings.
3-It does not agree with the reigning private and market sector paradigm.

Architects might not be the ones to recommend this:
1-Most are elitist (this can be debated) and will not offer their services for social reasons
2-It might not be of any financial benefit to architects (who may be interested in their fees) because the government will find using in house architects more cost effective (since the idea should be low cost housing). In house architects in government works department are salaried civil servants.

most of the low cost housing schemes is a mockery of 'low income' households.

Hi, unfortunately I disagree with most of the reasons and points, I am not disputing the fact that they are relevant or that they exist, but I just wonder if in fact these are significantly important reasons to dispell the whole idea.

I believe the reason why social housing estates haven't been explored as much as it could be (in Nigeria) is more due to the fact that there is little precedent for this in Nigeria. If this was the UK I would have sufficient data to comment on the idea of crime rates and ghetto formation, especially in Counsil estates and community apartments in cities where there was an increase in demand for low-cost accomodation.

I definitely believe that social housing projects should be explored in Nigeria because unlike in other countries, Nigerians have a great sense of community and there are still reminants of communal spirit.

1 - Waiting lists are a part of life, there always has to be demand before there is supply, this system is worth investigating and improving rather than ignoring, and it's not that the government does not have the funds to support something like this.

2 - There are so many areas that the Nigerian government is lacking in, it owes its citizens this basic need, we should expect and demand that the government should service and maintain all its buildings, the positive results outweigh the input costs, after all can you put a value on decreased crime rate, increased security, national togetherness, pride in country, visual proof of a successful country etc.

3 - I believe there needs to be more sectors created, and we need to continue to push boundaries, there is no problem with increasing options and going against the norm, if its results mean that it improves current conditions, since the current conditions does not satisfy everyone. Equally you cannot satify everyone but there is no problem in trying.

I do agree that the points you mentioned are problems with current social housing, but I don't believe they should hinder further development and research into future social housing schemes.

There are many examples of successful social housing projects, what is important to know is that the projects catered directly for the need, they took into consdieration their target market, the budgets, materials and there was extensive consideration of the site in question.

If any one of these criteria was ignored, the project may have been unsuccessful. Most of the successful projects I have found are in the scandinavian parts of Europe.

If the Nigerian government chooses not to explore social housing then they better be able to come up with some better solutions for the problem,  because we can't ignore it.

"The biggest problem for the city thus far has been its infrastructure, despite the recent admirable attempts to provide reliable public transport by the Governor of Lagos state; Babatunde Fashola, there definitely needs to be more done about it. Though it is refreshing to know that this surely is a good start. Nigerians will always welcome a good start.


The question is:

By 2015 when Lagos is said to become the third largest city in the world, will we be ready?

Will Lagos be ready for the predicted increase in the level of crime, the increased energy demand, food demand and other demands that its people are sure to make."

READ MORE HERE http://nigerianarchitecture..com/2009/08/2015-will-we-be-ready.html

olutise:
i chose rape cause its sometin i will live to remember for the rest of my life and the scar will remain 4ever. every other one still has a solution not rape.

What about losing someone you love??

I wish the original poster would respond, because I do not wish to steal the credit.

But a friend showed me the site, I gave the site name, it's Photofunia. It's not a software, it's just a site where you upload pictures as if you're uploading them online, but you choose a template first. There are several templates, and the picture you upload is applied to the template, i.e. the photo dress on Gisele.

Example: You choose the template of Gisele, then you upload the picture you wanted on the template, just like the poster uploaded a picture of his face, then the website generates the finished picture which you can save, automatically your photo is 'photoshopped' into the template.

Try it out, it's definitely fun.

Photofunia is really great for all these preset 'photoshop' effects. Lots of fun .

Nope, he looks sad and ruining a good suit.

I think the dream man of any woman would be a man who truly believes whole heartedly that he is equal with his wife (all the other qualities depend on different peoples' opinions). I know a lot of men say that but I don't think I've met any man who has not ever used the 'I'm superior' card. Don't get me wrong, my husband will be the head of the house, and so forth, but it should be a silent rule/decision of the wife, and understanding, not a rule that was pounded into her head by those around her.

I just voted the same too, but you know what it just seems to be one of those fears that attacks a woman on so many levels.

Lol, don't cry Gabry

Am I a party pooper if I say I've been to the website where these pictures are automatically generated - for free??

MoneyRule:
When i meet one who "gets away", i'll come back with an answer. . . .

Are you sure that's not what you want us to believe , that is one of those lines guys consider to be slick, but is that the truth, have you really bedded every girl?? There was no one that you decided to leave alone when there was no chemistry, surely not everyone you dated you had to sleep with to know for sure that you didn't click with them, how about conversations, I know they're old fashioned but they still work.

GEW:
just when i am begining to fall for you now u want to remain single.  this is not fair. you have to reconsider

Lol. .

Gabry:
Thats good to hear so would you have a relationship with an Asian if you come across this situation?

Probably not anymore (oxymoron hehe), I'm going through the 'marry from your tribe so your children can learn the language and have a solid identity' phase. It's discriminating everbody else I know (but hey there are plenty fish in the sea), maybe I'll get past the stage, who knows.

A few years ago I was on another forum asking if Asian guys liked African women lol. .

What type of spiritual problems, what do you mean she came to you, physically, emotionally??

Has she stated that she is not interested in you because of these spiritual problems, and lastly what clasifies a girl as the 'right' girl for you??

femzy:
Would to see before i comment

There's a link to the content .