₦airaland Forum

[color=#008855]I noticed that too. I think members can't send each other messages however, the site owner can send messages to members.
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[color=#008855]This is a very interesting article, I wonder if the last few lines are really the solutions.

Is it not morals that need to be assessed - I guess, it's very difficult for a person's morals to be shaped by any regime, so maybe that is why more law and rule-based solutions are being employed.

I pray for Nigeria because we have so much potential, but we keep refusing to realise that if we don't fight against the current, we don't stay where we are - we get swept backwards or sink .
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[color=#008855]Hi luvbrooks, you're a very smart woman indeed, you gave the relationship all you had, but when the signs were against you, you used your wisdom to make decisions to benefit yourself.

Who is he really?? Okay, about the 'really good friend' - those words should never leave a boyfriend's mouth especially in the context it was in, he implied that you were nothing special.

The guy you dated tried to monopolise you and you didn't fall for it, I think you left at the right time because even though it all lasted for three months, you made sure you checked your facts and now it'll be the hardest task of all for him to convince you, because you did nothing rash, you were calm and collected and so you're better off than he is. He tried to keep you in the dark and now everything's in the light and we can see that he was behaving differently with you compared to the way he behaved with others.

No worries though, we're all behind you, you did the right thing and he was just another jerk.

Now at least you've learnt some lessons (you stayed true to yourself too) and you can go and find someone who deserves all your affection and attention. Please remember there will be genuine people who don't like to broadcast their relationships (like me - since it's no one elses' business), also there will be genuine guys who may say a similar thing, you just have to be smart and use your wit (like you did here). Not all guys are untrustworthy - just this one.


All the best in future & God Bless.
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[color=#008855]Women aren't that stupid, the thing is most of these 'bad guys' don't approach you and slap you on the first meeting. They are usually on their best behaviour and initially, you can't tell the difference between the two roommates. Except that the 'good' guy is genuine and the 'bad' one isn't. Slowly, they creep their bad habits into the relationship, but usually after they've secured your heart or interest. It's very difficult to break away from something like that, because you would have thought you established a good relationship and understanding of the person you're with, you don't want to believe that everytime he shouts at you is because in future he's going to beat you or throw you out, you want to do as society tells you - you want to fix the relationship, you don't want the failure to reflect on you (as they make it mostly the woman's fault).

As for returning time and time again to such a guy, I would say this is because of different people's breaking points, some people can endure and have endured much more in life, so to us, we don't understand how a woman who has been slapped can return to her husband and continue enduring the abuse, whilst to her, her breaking point could be if he threatens her life - who knows. It's all perception really.
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[color=#008855]Hello to the original poster, it seems that maybe she's using you, maybe it's not as malicious as it can be, but she has explained that she doesn't love you, so please don't expect anything in return, if she does return your 'favours' with love, then you are lucky, but she has already given you the excuse. If you choose to continue - but you secretly want more, be warned - there is a high chance nothing will come of this, I mean maybe in future you may believe because she is only accepting privileges from you, that you are an item, but in all honesty, until when she reciprocates the love you've shown her, she's merely reaping the benefits of having a guy like you around.

Then to kind of neutalize my statements, I just want to say there is a possibility that she doesn't know what she wants, this may not be as sinister as I'm making it sound.

All the best.
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[color=#008855]If you pick based on looks, you'll kick yourself if anything goes wrong i.e. he's not a faithful husband or doesn't love God or even respect you e.t.c.

If he's goodlooking you won't remember that when you're both arguing. Without love, you'll see his face as maybe the ugliest thing ever, however if he isn't the best looking guy but he is wonderful and you love him, believe me, you'll find it hard not to find him beautiful or attractive.

It only works one way round, love lends itself to beauty, and not the other way around unfortunately.
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[color=#008855]You have a very beautiful baby girl
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C2H5OH:
topup welcome back. i could tell it was you. way to make a grand entry. is everything okay? what's been up? how did the meeting go with the ex? how have you been? we have missed you.

[color=#008855]I'm doing great , more free time e.t.c. lol.
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[color=#008855]The sooner men take responsibility the sooner we can truly address such an important situation.

Yes, there is the traditional mentality that sympathises with a hormonal man who can't control his urges because of a woman dressing provocatively, but in all sincerely, who's fault is the rape.

How can you look at a woman and say, "It's your fault a stranger forced sexual intercourse upon you, because you showed too much skin." Can I ask all the men, does the same rule apply??

And if it does, do you expect to be raped for wearing 'flashy' clothing??

Are you trying to tell us women that if we wear anything attractive - we should expect to be raped??


The problem with this argument comes from those who don't understand free will, self-control and rights.


NO HUMAN BEING HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO.

If a man was misbehaving would you say that same man was entitled to a beat up??

RAPE is sinister, it is weakness on the man's part for not being able to handle his urges, that is not OUR responsiblity as females.  

It reflects badly on fellow men if they sympatise with the rapist instead of condeming the crime.

I tell you, I am aware of the way I dress for the mere fact of this stupid idea that "you brought it upon yourself." and I am paranoid thinking - "if I show too much skin." something might happen to me, and then I won't have any sympathy.

YES raping someone dressing provocatively is a CRIME

But the biggest crime of all is letting that lustful man get away with it because "she dressed provocatively."

Some men have different opinions of provocative, I mean what about the paedophiles?? Also, some girls may not be able to afford to buy new clothes as soon as they've grown into their old ones, may wear their usual skirt - which now becomes tight around the bottom - is she going to be raped??
Some women are unware of how their bodies appear in the clothing, or even what the guy sat across her is thinking.

Would it not be much more pro-active to assess and deal with the root problem - the men causing these crimes, or shall we render women powerless again, and remind them that their power only works passively - they can't do anything to avoid being raped, but they can do stuff to get raped?? - What the heck is this rubbish!!

I'm sure not all men think this way. . right??
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[color=#008855]Another thing is that the really rich international Nigerian guys in my uni act like I owe them something or they look down at me because I'm not international, they look down at me, they keep well away and stay with 'their own kind'.
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[color=#008855]Well, I've heard from other Nationalities that dating a Nigerian woman is an accomplishment .

It kind of annoys me the extent of games the 'worst' ones play, it's like they're hard, but why??

I mean this forum is such a shocker, I'm part of other forums and people in general seem to be more at ease, and advice is not so defensive and hard. Because of this I think it's not just Nigerian girls who're hard, it's more like Nigerians are hard, maybe it's the fact that Nigerians seem to always be fighting and aren't known for being subtle or quiet. This is a HUGE generalisation, but I just mean it's common.

The international students at university usually are slightly stuck up (from the fact that they come from a very wealthy background and wealthy people tend to 'shako' so much) - especially the Lagotians, otherwise, the Nigerian women I know are just very cautious. They seem really hard because - I hate to say this - but our culture makes them not so open to admitting that they partake in regular sexual activity unlike other cultures/British culture.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm trying to convey in my response aside frrom the fact that I can see where the poster is coming from.[/color]

[color=#008855]I'm so impressed by the wise, mature & experienced responses here today
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Ejadamen:
Why? This seems to be a big issue for you and i do not see why it should be. Don't let what you've read here wear you down after all it is your life. Like so many people have said here, you are smart. Use that smart brain of yours to make a decision. Even if it ends up being a mistake, that's life, learn and move on. If the decision ends up working out, hurrah. My dear life is just too short and important to fuss about an ex, unless you really want to get back with him.
All the best.

[color=#008855]*Chuckles*. . it's not a big issue for me. I think I've already been warned about the consequences of discussing my personal life on Nairaland. I think this will probably be the last time I do.
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[color=#008855]She still went along with the wedding, despite the obvious fact that you were unfaithful?? Hmm.
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[color=#008855]Nigerian raised mostly abroad and partly at home.
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springss:
DaBriggs, I think you captured my sentiments perfectly!

Topup, I suspect that you still have affectionate feelings for this guy despite the fact that your relationship ended unpleasantly. Seeing an ex face-to-face is always a very risky venture. The good memories may flood back and you may be swept away momentarily in the swirl of emotion. Oftentimes people do what they swore not to do, especially if both parties still fancy each other.

Since you don't feel indifference towards this guy, you are probably still in love but in denial or you hate him. If the situation were the later, we would most likely not be having this discussion.

Truth be told my dear, no amount of advice from this forum would change the outcome of your meeting. You are a very smart person and I’m sure you have weighed the possibilities and consequences. You alone know this guy and he knows your weaknesses. If you let him, he will manipulate you. At the end of your meeting, one or two of three things may happen 1) you may put closure to any chance of coming together 2) you may open yourself up to getting a reconciliation 3) you would hurt so much afterwards especially if he takes advantage of you or you cross a boundary you set for yourself (physical or emotional).

The mindset that things are boring (school, work, etc) is precisely what will weaken you when you both meet. So be careful not to cross your boundaries. Someone advised that you don’t visit his hotel room… I would advise that you set your boundaries and avoid any situation or place that would facilitate crossing the boundaries. Remember that you won’t really know how you’ll react until it’s over.

Bottom line is that everything depends on what you want going forward. If you don’t want to have anything to do with this guy relationship-wise, then don’t see him. You can always chat on the phone. If you want at least one more peek, them by all means see him, but remember to report back to this forum.

[color=#008855]Thanks for taking the time to write the reply, but right now I just feel worn out. I've been defending myself but still I'm told that I am in denial and also I'm apparently in love with him. All of this is confusing me, I guess maybe I'm not over him, if I still think it's exciting to see him - that's what you guys keep saying to me. I definitely don't want to reconcile. Is it so wrong to want to kill two birds with one stone; 1 - be able to ask any lingering questions (and I can't remember any) 2 - to be able to re-state what he has lost.

I came on Nairaland last year, and I was told that it was my fault for ignoring his messages back then when messages mattered, and so since then, I've tried not to do anything that could aggravate the situation. I wasn't even thinking about him, until he text me asking if he could meet.

Lastly, I agree, most things can be said over the phone.
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dabriggs:
There is no need. A great talker often has much to hide.

I still stand my grounds and say if its over , its over. If you have feelings for him then see him. You dont need our opinions in that case because even if we tell you not to , you will still do anyway.

Must you see him?Thats my question?Must you see him because he wants you to?
If he is making another trip to see you ask him why?Why dos he want to see you?To know if you grew fatter or slimer or what? See the earlier you gain control of this stuff the better you can face him.
All im saying is ask your self. Choose your decisions and choose wisely. Wish I could chat with you on YIM.

For me the facts are clear. Even a blind man can see it.

[color=#008855]I am not naive, I know there has to be a reason, but asking might not reveal this, as people can lie.

I haven't made up my decision, I cannot live my life by the advice I read here on Nairaland, because no one will hold themselves accountable for any mishappenings, and that's life.

I'm listening to advice, but it's hard to hear it through some of the comments given from others.

I don't get what you mean though about the 'better I'll be able to face him.'.
What if I'm not planning on seeing him?? - won't the strength onlye be necessary if I'm meeting him??
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[color=#008855]You seem like you know what you want. Just be wise with your steps, I'm sure you know what to do, just don't rush anything and never feel like you have to pick from what's in front of you. If your dream guy is not in the list of guys you know, don't compromise would be my advice, because if you ever meet him, you will always wish you waited - because he would be worth it.

All the best, it seems that you already know what to do.
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luxoire:
@topup - well say

@poster - look hun - what do you want?? - i have never given any guy a second chance and i don't intend to - that is why i try to give a r/ship 200% - infact more often than not - i am the one who gets dumped - so no way in hell he is coming back wanting to lick his vomit and thinks i will take him back - arrant nonsense

cut off from those guys and move on - take time out and do what you want - change your number if need be, but you have to be hard on them to be kind on yourself - having them clouding your mind and phone doesnt help - so tell them to butt off - take a break and assess what you want from a relationship and marriage. Pray and choose a guy that you think will give you those things and give him 200% to make it work

Who said God no dey?

[color=#008855]Nice response. If you don't break up with them, then you force them to make the decision to leave the 'good thing'.

Giving 200% - that's like me, give it all you've got, so if they leave, they have no excuse to say you pushed them away or wasn't good enough - it would be because of their own silliness.
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[color=#008855]I'm always very iffy about guys who are coming back.

However, what is most important is that you sort out what you want, I mean who cares about the two guys who want to come back, do you want to get back with them, that's the question. Then if you answer yes, you need to check the sincerity of your answer, why do you want to get back with them?? Because, you think you can manipulate them or gain access to a quick marriage because they are begging to come back to you, now??

If you are spiritual or even not, you might want to pray, but wisdom is not something to be ignored. I'm sure you're a smart girl, stop letting these guys decide what comes in and leaves your life.

The doors are yours to open and close, take control!!

You can do it.

Think very well about what you want, what you sincerely need and do any of these current guys meet the criteria.
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JJYOU:
you dont get it do you?.  you definately carry one of the most twisted nigerian mind around here. i bet you do this kind of things to women and you call yourself a man. you are most definately one of those confused SHEHE's. 
they didnt teach you it is your responsibility to be nice and kind to people who go out of their way to do you favours.  if this kola idot die young or any terrible thing happens to him you and your types are likely to say his wife is a bad head.  

kola definately is enjoying another woman banking salary at the moment who knows what he will do when the banking salary stops.  will you be here saying she brought it on herself?.  wish you luck becos you will definately need it with this ugly mind you carry. brought it on yourself indeed.
TOPS as usual.  kola is another ugly rumour naija boy. lying, deceitfull and praying to get away with murder.most definately.  always a breathe of fresh air on NL.  one of the most brilliant young minds we have.

[color=#008855]Thanks a bunch. Don't underestimate yourself.

I have my suspicions about Kola too, but I don't have enough information to confirm them.
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biola44:
@haley: i feel ur pain, but shit happens n u brought this upon urself

[color=#008855]She brought NOTHING on herself, I'm sure she blames herself enough, but how can you stop someone from cheating you, even the smartest of people get betrayed, some of us, fall dumbly in love are they can stay married forever, whilst others use tactics and wisdom and still things go wrong.

I repeat; SHE DID NOTHING WRONG.

If trusting is wrong - then I'm the biggest sinner of them all.
If having faith is wrong - then I've committed so many crimes.
If giving to those in need is wrong - then charities need to be abolished.

Really, you have to be careful with your words, this isn't the time and place to be teaching a broken person to be HARD towards the world.

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biola44:
@NLS: wat av noticed abt relationships btw same n opp sex is dat goin out of ur way to please pple is no assurance of them doing the same, only makes them take advantage of u in most cases. so dont do favours expecting anything in return(in any r/s), if u must let it be of a free will, so u dont regret in anyway, i'm just trying to say the best thing is to satisfy ur conscience n dont add to pple's problems while being careful also, try to balance things

[color=#008855]Good advice there, but I don't think she regrets giving him the money, she's just in shock as anybody would be, when you give your all into a relationship.
Money isn't the only thing that leaves an imprint - somepeople give nothing but their everything and that hurts. You can put a value on love.
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dabriggs:
By fretting you are already showing that you do not trust yourself on how you would react if he tries to make advances at you. Well ask your self what you'll do if he wants to start the fire again. Are you sure you wont give in. And if he kisses and runs are you sure you wont regret it again.

In my opinion. Let him say whatever he has to say to you on phone. . Its over, its over. Why does he want to see you. If you run into him its a different matter. But fretting over an ex means you still have feelings for him.

Guys are funny . When we miss a particular girls "own thing" we look for a way to get back, eat and run. I know other guys would crucify me, but its the truth.

Break the hedge the serpent will bite. No talk say I no tell you.

[color=#008855]And how am I fretting??

And how would you explain the fact that he's 'coming back to eat something he never ate?'

I understand that you probably skimmed through the topic and probably don't know the background on the story, so why not just comment generally, on meeting up with exs.

What if there is no opportunity to bump into the ex again, what are your opinions?? What if the guy is making another trip to your city to see you, What's your response?

I think the only way I'll be able to prove I'm not 'running into his arms' or 'wanting to be with him again.' is for me to have never asked this question.
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[color=#008855]It's not deliberate. I made a mistake.

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[color=#008855]Hi Haley,

Your post really touched me, it's such a shame that stuff like this happens in the world. One part of me is happy that you two didn't marry because who knows what the real deal was with him, and I am definitely sure you deserve better. You have not mentioned what made him special, but the post instead outlined how special you yourself are. You really are a gem, and with so much devotion, you just need to find the right guy.

I wouldn't say that you were naive, I would say that you were very faithful and loving which is what many guys are complaining of the lack of.

I've just said a quick prayer for you now because I believe God is with you. Just keep faith in the only being who will NEVER let you down.

You will gain so much strength and wisdom from this, trust me, the most painful situations in our life are tests.

Maybe KOLA would have cheated on you or defiled your marriage some way or the other.

Yes God is the judge and if he cheated you and lied then rest assure it is not your battle to fight. Just focus on you, because right now you matter so much. Don't let him have the power, God has the power (not KOLA), try not to wish anything bad against him, it will take a lot of time to accept that you aren't going to marry him, but the sooner you do, you should start seeing all the things you've escaped.

I mean did Kola have any bad traits?? I mean when you argued, did he apologise?? Who knows maybe it was God telling Kola not to marry you, maybe now you have a chance to be with someone who will respect you and you won't have to be the one on your knees all the time. He'll take what you have and give equally, what he has, you will both have, he will apologise for the fact you're apologising, you won't have any serious arguments, you will be happy and know the true value of love, he will value you and know your value.

All the best for the future and God Bless.
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[color=#008855]It's cheating (as a response to the above reply). I can't judge, but I honestly believe the equation is simple, if you love someone you would;

- treat them the way you would like to be treated,
- avoid doing anything that would cause them pain.

Now, tell me, do you 'love' her enough to do those two things??
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bigboyslim:
Nope its not, its about "sexy ex"

[color=#008855]No.
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Outstrip:

Okay I need to stop laughing at you. I can almost sense your excitement. LOL. Just don't meet him in his hotel though.

[color=#008855]My excitement?? Of course, my life's boring at the moment with exams and work, and everything is so monotonous, so it's like gist - then add to the fact that I haven't spoken to him in half a year then yes, of course I'm excited at the prospect of drama. The type of drama isn't going to be anything the people on here are thinking, When I posted this topic, I was contemplating which excuse to give so I didn't have to meet, but just to balance the strong views of 'once the debe always debe' I'm stating reasons for meeting as I am still wavering.
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bigboyslim:
I agree with Outstrip. Topup is excited about this meeting. Her head tells her she shouldn't be, but she just can't help it. I think she still has feelings for the guy but she's wise enough to handle the situation in a mature way. Topup I am convinced that you can handle the situation if you decide to meet up with Mr ex.

[color=#008855]I have feelings for him?? Must I be disgusted and repulsed at a guy to show that I don't have feelings for him? Is it really that black and white.
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ThiefOfHearts:
They never slept together. You depraved dorks have severe issues.

[color=#008855]THANK YOU!!
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Feelitx:
Outstrip can sense your excitement,I can touch it. I see you trembling already and your statements gave you up.

[color=#008855]Gimme a break *hit head*!!
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Feelitx:
Apparently you are hoping of getting laid too. So why did you come up here for advise? I miss him=I wouldn't mind getting laid.

[color=#008855]Are you KIDDING me!!
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JJYOU:
topup. answer to your name and the advice you would have given others being DONT GO.  i would say  DONT BOTHER  GOING.

[color=#008855]Okay, so if your ex called you, hinting if he could see you once, and you ignored him, then a few months later, he still asks you'd still ignore him??

Am I supposed to avoid him forever??
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