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Family / Hauwa . . . by yuzedo: 12:35am On Nov 10, 2017
Dear Hauwa,

You lie somewhere in Mushin; your grave, unmarked.
Subject no more to the small joys and many pains of living and humanity. Blissfully deceased.

You did not possess a prominent surname to arrest our attention at your death. And there exists no legacy to stimulate some extemporaneous reminiscence of your fleeting impact. Perhaps, if your long-awaited marriage came to pass before your demise, you might have had a child to call your own, to propagate your genes, and to continually honor your memory. But no, you're gone from our realm. And are remembered only by a void rather than a heritage.

Saturday 22nd July, you departed this world.
Monday 24th, it was evident that things would never be the same.

And it hasn't, indeed. Poor us.
Poor us - in the land of the living. Afraid, yet, of the inevitable, which you have faced, and with divine equanimity, accepted; nay, conquered.

I cannot undo the malady that claimed your life.
Or rue the series of unfortunate decisions that led to it.
It is not my place to mourn more than the bereaved.

But . . I can pray that the internet never dies, so that for all eternity, in a small corner of cyber space, there is always this record of a certain Hauwa; who made the best couscous in Ikoyi, Lagos. And whose meekness and dedication was unparallaled. And whose service and support we will forever appreciate.

So, thank you dear Hauwa, for you mattered, and are missed, and your memory will ever subsist.

You lived, thus you live.

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Crime / Re: I And My Friend Were Shot By A Mobile Police At Close Range (with Pictures) by yuzedo: 7:54pm On Nov 21, 2016
Because of the bleeding, I had to go for medical examination to ascertain if it was life threatening. From Jalupon to Randle then transferred to LUTH emergency. I ended up sitting outside in the cold and mosquito from around 10:00pm till 8:00am the following morning. Though the doctors display passion with their job, it seems to be written all over their faces that they are choking of resources and they kept shouting there is no bed to attend to anyone.

The police brought a lady in the morning, her two legs chopped off with a cutlass after a container fell on her legs. It took up to 15 minutes to bring out a bed to lift her from the police vehicle. A doctor I spoke with said they had to go take a bed from the maternity ward. They could not attend to any of us that came on emergency all through the night. Until around 30 minutes later when I left, she was left on the bed. No drip, no first aid, no nothing. She kept begging, “please don’t let me die” They were asking who will pay for her and she kept telling them to take her phone from her bag and call her people, that they will pay. On Sunday, I read in the news the lady died.
Nna, f*ck this CUNTry, forreal.

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Politics / Re: Steve Omeoga Slumps & Dies After Playing Lawn Tennis (pics) by yuzedo: 2:11pm On Nov 18, 2016
According to a club member, late Chief Omeoga ordered for two cartons of beer shortly after the game for everyone, then went to relax on the court. Unknowing to his friends, he had slumped.
erm, soooooo, who gunna pay for the bear? undecided
Family / Re: My Husband Always Shouts At Me In Public by yuzedo: 10:18am On Nov 13, 2016
ok good but have you realised the negative consequences of emotional abuse? It's a scar that doesn't heal IN 2 days or a week I hope you realise that

Consequences include depression
Psychotic disorder
loss of sex drive
feelings of worthlessness
suicidal tendencies
Loss of apetite and enthusiasm
She begins to depreciate e.g loss of physical beauty

Unfortunately your kids are at the receiving end of her tantrums. I'm now seeing why Nigerian women look like their husband's elder sister after marriage

Who will marry a narcissist and not age before her time. By the way what is the difference between her and a slave undecided
Why you dey face me? I resembu OP horseband ni?? undecided

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Family / Re: My Husband Always Shouts At Me In Public by yuzedo: 2:32am On Nov 13, 2016
You CANNOT fight fire with fire.

I see some well-intentioned albeit ignorant advice being peddled here. Kindly recall the definition of the word "husband" --- it means LORD OF THE HOUSE.

Can you shout back at your boss in the office without a back-up plan? If no, please think up one before following this dangerous course of action.

Your husband's actions are pretty insensitive and immature. You married him with these qualities, you should try and "for better or worse" this situation, keeping in mind that preventing a degeneration to physical abuse will be a long-term win for all involved.

If I were ever as temporarily irrational as your husband, a short, hand-written letter to me would convict me like nothing else can. Not only will it be proof of your mental strength despite provocation, but will also be read one day by someone else who will see your attempt to salvage a potentially-dicey situation.

Husbands, love your wives. Your husband's antics are not consistent with 1st Cor 13. And that's a shame considering you guys probably married in a church (Forgive if my assumption is wrong). Still, the Bible you consult says wives should secure their homes with wisdom. Shouting back is the direct opposite of that.

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Politics / Re: Trump Won. So What? - A Banana Iceland Perspective by yuzedo: 7:42pm On Nov 10, 2016
Happy Birthday Oga Yuzedo!
Thank you brethren!!


Politics / Re: Trump Won. So What? - A Banana Iceland Perspective by yuzedo: 12:55pm On Nov 10, 2016
yuzedo my personal person......e don tey o....where have u been?
Banana Iceland, bro.... 1 Chief Sweetus Close, Off Mike Adenuga Street, Off Aliko Dangote Road. wink


Politics / Re: Trump Won. So What? - A Banana Iceland Perspective by yuzedo: 12:49pm On Nov 10, 2016
For those that don't mind reading long analyses. These are the people that use facts, stats and historical antecedence, not "divine revelation" to make predictions:


I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I gave it to you straight last summer when I told you that Donald Trump would be the Republican nominee for president. And now I have even more awful, depressing news for you: Donald J. Trump is going to win in November. This wretched, ignorant, dangerous part-time clown and full time sociopath is going to be our next president. President Trump. Go ahead and say the words, ‘cause you’ll be saying them for the next four years: “PRESIDENT TRUMP.”

Never in my life have I wanted to be proven wrong more than I do right now.

I can see what you’re doing right now. You’re shaking your head wildly – “No, Mike, this won’t happen!” Unfortunately, you are living in a bubble that comes with an adjoining echo chamber where you and your friends are convinced the American people are not going to elect an idiot for president. You alternate between being appalled at him and laughing at him because of his latest crazy comment or his embarrassingly narcissistic stance on everything because everything is about him. And then you listen to Hillary and you behold our very first female president, someone the world respects, someone who is whip-smart and cares about kids, who will continue the Obama legacy because that is what the American people clearly want! Yes! Four more years of this!

You need to exit that bubble right now. You need to stop living in denial and face the truth which you know deep down is very, very real. Trying to soothe yourself with the facts – “77% of the electorate are women, people of color, young adults under 35 and Trump cant win a majority of any of them!” – or logic – “people aren’t going to vote for a buffoon or against their own best interests!” – is your brain’s way of trying to protect you from trauma. Like when you hear a loud noise on the street and you think, “oh, a tire just blew out,” or, “wow, who’s playing with firecrackers?” because you don’t want to think you just heard someone being shot with a gun. It’s the same reason why all the initial news and eyewitness reports on 9/11 said “a small plane accidentally flew into the World Trade Center.” We want to – we need to – hope for the best because, frankly, life is already a shit show and it’s hard enough struggling to get by from paycheck to paycheck. We can’t handle much more bad news. So our mental state goes to default when something scary is actually, truly happening. The first people plowed down by the truck in Nice spent their final moments on earth waving at the driver whom they thought had simply lost control of his truck, trying to tell him that he jumped the curb: “Watch out!,” they shouted. “There are people on the sidewalk!”

Well, folks, this isn’t an accident. It is happening. And if you believe Hillary Clinton is going to beat Trump with facts and smarts and logic, then you obviously missed the past year of 56 primaries and caucuses where 16 Republican candidates tried that and every kitchen sink they could throw at Trump and nothing could stop his juggernaut. As of today, as things stand now, I believe this is going to happen – and in order to deal with it, I need you first to acknowledge it, and then maybe, just maybe, we can find a way out of the mess we’re in.

Don’t get me wrong. I have great hope for the country I live in. Things are better. The left has won the cultural wars. Gays and lesbians can get married. A majority of Americans now take the liberal position on just about every polling question posed to them: Equal pay for women – check. Abortion should be legal – check. Stronger environmental laws – check. More gun control – check. Legalize marijuana – check. A huge shift has taken place – just ask the socialist who won 22 states this year. And there is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

But that is not how it works in America. People have to leave the house and get in line to vote. And if they live in poor, Black or Hispanic neighborhoods, they not only have a longer line to wait in, everything is being done to literally stop them from casting a ballot. So in most elections it’s hard to get even 50% to turn out to vote. And therein lies the problem for November – who is going to have the most motivated, most inspired voters show up to vote? You know the answer to this question. Who’s the candidate with the most rabid supporters? Whose crazed fans are going to be up at 5 AM on Election Day, kicking ass all day long, all the way until the last polling place has closed, making sure every Tom, Dick and Harry (and Bob and Joe and Billy Bob and Billy Joe and Billy Bob Joe) has cast his ballot? That’s right. That’s the high level of danger we’re in. And don’t fool yourself — no amount of compelling Hillary TV ads, or outfacting him in the debates or Libertarians siphoning votes away from Trump is going to stop his mojo.
Here are the 5 reasons Trump is going to win:

Midwest Math, or Welcome to Our Rust Belt Brexit. I believe Trump is going to focus much of his attention on the four blue states in the rustbelt of the upper Great Lakes – Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. Four traditionally Democratic states – but each of them have elected a Republican governor since 2010 (only Pennsylvania has now finally elected a Democrat). In the Michigan primary in March, more Michiganders came out to vote for the Republicans (1.32 million) that the Democrats (1.19 million). Trump is ahead of Hillary in the latest polls in Pennsylvania and tied with her in Ohio. Tied? How can the race be this close after everything Trump has said and done? Well maybe it’s because he’s said (correctly) that the Clintons’ support of NAFTA helped to destroy the industrial states of the Upper Midwest. Trump is going to hammer Clinton on this and her support of TPP and other trade policies that have royally screwed the people of these four states. When Trump stood in the shadow of a Ford Motor factory during the Michigan primary, he threatened the corporation that if they did indeed go ahead with their planned closure of that factory and move it to Mexico, he would slap a 35% tariff on any Mexican-built cars shipped back to the United States. It was sweet, sweet music to the ears of the working class of Michigan, and when he tossed in his threat to Apple that he would force them to stop making their iPhones in China and build them here in America, well, hearts swooned and Trump walked away with a big victory that should have gone to the governor next-door, John Kasich.

From Green Bay to Pittsburgh, this, my friends, is the middle of England – broken, depressed, struggling, the smokestacks strewn across the countryside with the carcass of what we use to call the Middle Class. Angry, embittered working (and nonworking) people who were lied to by the trickle-down of Reagan and abandoned by Democrats who still try to talk a good line but are really just looking forward to rub one out with a lobbyist from Goldman Sachs who’ll write them nice big check before leaving the room. What happened in the UK with Brexit is going to happen here. Elmer Gantry shows up looking like Boris Johnson and just says whatever shit he can make up to convince the masses that this is their chance! To stick to ALL of them, all who wrecked their American Dream! And now The Outsider, Donald Trump, has arrived to clean house! You don’t have to agree with him! You don’t even have to like him! He is your personal Molotov cocktail to throw right into the center of the bastards who did this to you! SEND A MESSAGE! TRUMP IS YOUR MESSENGER!

And this is where the math comes in. In 2012, Mitt Romney lost by 64 electoral votes. Add up the electoral votes cast by Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. It’s 64. All Trump needs to do to win is to carry, as he’s expected to do, the swath of traditional red states from Idaho to Georgia (states that’ll never vote for Hillary Clinton), and then he just needs these four rust belt states. He doesn’t need Florida. He doesn’t need Colorado or Virginia. Just Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. And that will put him over the top. This is how it will happen in November.

The Last Stand of the Angry White Man. Our male-dominated, 240-year run of the USA is coming to an end. A woman is about to take over! How did this happen?! On our watch! There were warning signs, but we ignored them. Nixon, the gender traitor, imposing Title IX on us, the rule that said girls in school should get an equal chance at playing sports. Then they let them fly commercial jets. Before we knew it, Beyoncé stormed on the field at this year’s Super Bowl (our game!) with an army of Black Women, fists raised, declaring that our domination was hereby terminated! Oh, the humanity!

That’s a small peek into the mind of the Endangered White Male. There is a sense that the power has slipped out of their hands, that their way of doing things is no longer how things are done. This monster, the “Feminazi,”the thing that as Trump says, “bleeds through her eyes or wherever she bleeds,” has conquered us — and now, after having had to endure eight years of a black man telling us what to do, we’re supposed to just sit back and take eight years of a woman bossing us around? After that it’ll be eight years of the gays in the White House! Then the transgenders! You can see where this is going. By then animals will have been granted human rights and a fuckin’ hamster is going to be running the country. This has to stop!

The Hillary Problem. Can we speak honestly, just among ourselves? And before we do, let me state, I actually like Hillary – a lot – and I think she has been given a bad rap she doesn’t deserve. But her vote for the Iraq War made me promise her that I would never vote for her again. To date, I haven’t broken that promise. For the sake of preventing a proto-fascist from becoming our commander-in-chief, I’m breaking that promise. I sadly believe Clinton will find a way to get us in some kind of military action. She’s a hawk, to the right of Obama. But Trump’s psycho finger will be on The Button, and that is that. Done and done.

Let’s face it: Our biggest problem here isn’t Trump – it’s Hillary. She is hugely unpopular — nearly 70% of all voters think she is untrustworthy and dishonest. She represents the old way of politics, not really believing in anything other than what can get you elected. That’s why she fights against gays getting married one moment, and the next she’s officiating a gay marriage. Young women are among her biggest detractors, which has to hurt considering it’s the sacrifices and the battles that Hillary and other women of her generation endured so that this younger generation would never have to be told by the Barbara Bushes of the world that they should just shut up and go bake some cookies. But the kids don’t like her, and not a day goes by that a millennial doesn’t tell me they aren’t voting for her. No Democrat, and certainly no independent, is waking up on November 8th excited to run out and vote for Hillary the way they did the day Obama became president or when Bernie was on the primary ballot. The enthusiasm just isn’t there. And because this election is going to come down to just one thing — who drags the most people out of the house and gets them to the polls — Trump right now is in the catbird seat.

The Depressed Sanders Vote. Stop fretting about Bernie’s supporters not voting for Clinton – we’re voting for Clinton! The polls already show that more Sanders voters will vote for Hillary this year than the number of Hillary primary voters in ’08 who then voted for Obama. This is not the problem. The fire alarm that should be going off is that while the average Bernie backer will drag him/herself to the polls that day to somewhat reluctantly vote for Hillary, it will be what’s called a “depressed vote” – meaning the voter doesn’t bring five people to vote with her. He doesn’t volunteer 10 hours in the month leading up to the election. She never talks in an excited voice when asked why she’s voting for Hillary. A depressed voter. Because, when you’re young, you have zero tolerance for phonies and BS. Returning to the Clinton/Bush era for them is like suddenly having to pay for music, or using MySpace or carrying around one of those big-ass portable phones. They’re not going to vote for Trump; some will vote third party, but many will just stay home. Hillary Clinton is going to have to do something to give them a reason to support her — and picking a moderate, bland-o, middle of the road old white guy as her running mate is not the kind of edgy move that tells millenials that their vote is important to Hillary. Having two women on the ticket – that was an exciting idea. But then Hillary got scared and has decided to play it safe. This is just one example of how she is killing the youth vote.

The Jesse Ventura Effect. Finally, do not discount the electorate’s ability to be mischievous or underestimate how any millions fancy themselves as closet anarchists once they draw the curtain and are all alone in the voting booth. It’s one of the few places left in society where there are no security cameras, no listening devices, no spouses, no kids, no boss, no cops, there’s not even a friggin’ time limit. You can take as long as you need in there and no one can make you do anything. You can push the button and vote a straight party line, or you can write in Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. There are no rules. And because of that, and the anger that so many have toward a broken political system, millions are going to vote for Trump not because they agree with him, not because they like his bigotry or ego, but just because they can. Just because it will upset the apple cart and make mommy and daddy mad. And in the same way like when you’re standing on the edge of Niagara Falls and your mind wonders for a moment what would that feel like to go over that thing, a lot of people are going to love being in the position of puppetmaster and plunking down for Trump just to see what that might look like. Remember back in the ‘90s when the people of Minnesota elected a professional wrestler as their governor? They didn’t do this because they’re stupid or thought that Jesse Ventura was some sort of statesman or political intellectual. They did so just because they could. Minnesota is one of the smartest states in the country. It is also filled with people who have a dark sense of humor — and voting for Ventura was their version of a good practical joke on a sick political system. This is going to happen again with Trump.

Coming back to the hotel after appearing on Bill Maher’s Republican Convention special this week on HBO, a man stopped me. “Mike,” he said, “we have to vote for Trump. We HAVE to shake things up.” That was it. That was enough for him. To “shake things up.” President Trump would indeed do just that, and a good chunk of the electorate would like to sit in the bleachers and watch that reality show.

(Next week I will post my thoughts on Trump’s Achilles Heel and how I think he can be beat.)

ALSO: http://www.alternet.org/election-2016/michael-moores-5-reasons-why-trump-will-win

Michael Moore


Politics / Trump Won. So What? - A Banana Iceland Perspective by yuzedo: 4:50pm On Nov 09, 2016
EVERY M*THERFUCKER and they mammy has an opinion on US Politics and its just concluded elections, and I don't know which is worse; the very indignant class who by virtue of some soon-to-expire B1-B2 privilege, feel entitled to offer their insignificant and unsought opinions, or the "peasants" who will never even come close to 2 Walter Carrington Street, for an opportunity to have their visa application emphatically and legitimately turned down.

Dear Clinton-stans, what if I told you NOTHING would change, and your "fears" are unfounded? Would that temper your angst and indignation??

Okay, let's see:

Immigration Laws? Really, that's your primary concern, right?? Remind me how the BILLIONS in USD that Homeland generates from Tourism and Visa Applications is negligible to their books.

Nuclear War? You REALLY think the American President can utilize "the football" arbitrarily? (If you have to google what the football is, you really shouldn't be as pressed as you are about a more-vested people exercising their democratic franchise).

Any opinion on Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama being at war longer than ANY President in American History. Let's not even talk about the hilarious double volte-face between Obama and Hillary after their messy 2008 DNC contest against one another.

What else?

Clinton "deserved" it more? How? By virtue of experience/qualifications? Tell that to Goodluck Jonathan.

I think we Nigerians should be far more ashamed at how concerned we are about who emerges America's Commander-in-Chief, when we cannot name our representatives at the Senate, House of Representatives, Local Government Chairmen or State Assemblies!!

Personally, I eagerly anticipate the pure banter if PRESIDENT Trump plays the vindictive card when he assumes office. Starting from The White House Correspondents' Dinner in 2011, the now President-elect suffered a barrage of taunts from the incumbent suggesting his "dreams were not valid", and the Presidency which Obama is now enjoying THANKS TO THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA was an impossible aspiration for him. The Media and America's fickle celebrities joined the bandwagon, and Trump bore it all with the same equanimity and grace he did Comedy Central's 2011 Roast where he graciously acquiesced his presence and cooperation.

This particular faux pas of the Fifth Estate, especially in famzing who they expected would win by a landslide takes me back to Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power, and how it relates to these elections:

"Keep Your Options Open, Never Commit Unless You Have To

If I had to pick “The One Law of Power,” it would be this. Power is a game of options. The surest way to get someone to do what you want is to arrange things so that it’s their best option, and one they freely (if grudgingly) choose. The obvious corollary is that if you want to prevent yourself from being manipulated by others, you must guard your options from being hemmed in.

Charles Talleyrand, the French statesman whose career spanned, against all odds, several revolutionary governments and the rise and fall of Napoleon, illustrates this principle. While it must have been tempting to choose sides in such tumultuous times, Talleyrand’s singular survival owes to his not doing so:

--- Talleyrand, now elderly, sat by his Paris window, listening to the pealing bells that signaled the riots were over. Turning to an assistant, he said, “Ah, the bells! We’re winning.” “Who’s ‘we,’ mon prince?” the assistant asked. Gesturing for the man to keep quiet, Talleyrand replied, “Not a word! I’ll tell you who we are tomorrow.” He well knew that only fools rush into a situation—that by committing too quickly you lose your maneuverability."

As always, it is an incontrovertible fact that we are a specie of short attention span(s), and all this will blow over as soon as the next news-worthy incident comes along. Will it be a war? A terrorist attack? A celebrity death? A natural disaster? Some transvestite distraction? Or all of the above? Nobody can say for certain. But we can all agree with Lucilla Aurelius' famous assertion that "the mob is fickle, and this will be forgotten in a month."

Till then, it is on and ahead with our intellectual masturbätion.

- Yuzedo writes from Banana Iceland, Ikoyi.

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Politics / Re: Lt Col Mohammad Abu-ali's Body Transported To Base, See Wife And Kid Too (pic) by yuzedo: 3:38pm On Nov 06, 2016
I came here to read glorious testaments of Lt. Col. Abu Ali's exploits, and honoring odes befitting of his memory, but what do I get?

I'd like to believe Seun Osewa isn't paying lip-service to the opposition of tribalism on Nairaland, because I can't understand why what is supposed to be a beautiful tribute thread for the ages, and an inspiration to thousands, has been overrun by delinquents frothing at the mouth with their inane and divisive comments.

Not a single MOD has deemed it fit to sweep through this thread, despite the clear warning when one wants to post.

You all realise the young family of this legend who died gloriously in battle will read this thread one day, and wonder why their hero died for such an apparently dysfunctional and militant people?


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Politics / Re: Muhammad Abu Ali Killed By Boko Haram by yuzedo: 2:05pm On Nov 06, 2016
"An honorable death is it's own reward."

His family would be SO proud at his legend. A national hero and role model, even death had to adopt covert tactics to steal him. Lt. Col. Abu Ali achieved what men twice his age haven't, and his child(ren) will grow up to read about how great, fearless, inspiring and beloved their progenitor was. Rest in Peace, sir. You have marked your immortality in the sands of time.


Crime / Re: Ebonyi Student Beats His School Girlfriend In Abakaliki, Ebonyi (Pics/Video) by yuzedo: 4:01pm On Nov 04, 2016
Absolutely no context to the video to justify the barrage of blind aspersions on the male "antagonist". I'm keen to know why even the female voices in the video were chastising the girl being beaten, accusing her of incessant pugnacity?

Although not a proponent of (unnecessary/unjustified) violence, I believe this particular case based on bystander chatter is simply two lodge-mates of different sexes settling scores. The "victim" probably pushed her "aggressor" to the wall, with the belief that he wouldn't retaliate because she is a woman, alas, she got served delicious, albeit surprising retribution. Judging from the short details gleaned from said video, it appears there is a historical antecedence to her transgressions, unrelated to any romantic affair between both actors.

Men and women, boys and girls, keep your hands to yourselves, and please respect yourselves at all times. Self-respect is the primary catalyst for esteem receipt from peers.

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Family / Re: Sick Musa Under The Town Planning Bridge Linking Ilupeju To Anthony Village by yuzedo: 12:17am On Oct 23, 2016
I decided to pay Musa a visit after reading this topic and i was moved to tears. He is so weak and can barely stand upright, He's in desperate need of medical attention.This topic has gone far to the extent i met a guy that came to check up on him after reading this post.

Let's all rally round to see how we can give him a better life than what he's getting now.
Romance / Re: Nigerian Girls, Things You Shouldn't Do At Your Prime If You Must Marry. by yuzedo: 12:07am On Oct 23, 2016
The sooner we stop promoting marriage by all means, the less baggage is carried into it, and the healthier the institution becomes.

Everyone is desperate for the female folk to "settle".. FFS, why thrust a young girl into a life-long contract with someone she is not absolutely committed to? Why encourage duplicity? Why not encourage girls (and guys) to be the best they possibly can, morally, mentally, emotionally, etc, and watch her choose someone of like-quality to steadily build a firm friendship hinged on truth and genuine affection, rather than "managing" one of her options.

When wedding day glitz is the focus, instead of the beauty of spending forever with your favorite person in life whom you totally trust and completely adore, you get damaged goods trying to reconcile a dysfunctional union (spurred by an inevitable myriad of emotions) with her trail of "exes" that her head, heart (and vägina) haven't quite gotten over.

You don't marry because you can live with your partner,
You marry because you can't live without your partner!! (Figuratively)

Personally, the day I use mistake find out say person I pay bride-price ontop her head bin get "options" wey she no discharge LONG before she gree say na me she wan follow, I go log the fück out of dat yeye, CONVENIENT union. Like say me sef bin no get people wey wan answer my surname abi. Fam, abeg.

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Family / Re: Sick Musa Under The Town Planning Bridge Linking Ilupeju To Anthony Village by yuzedo: 4:45pm On Oct 18, 2016
Great guy! Maybe Tangerine flavored Pepsi-Milk on-the-rocks will soon be a thing at upscale bars! grin

.... Mamas dropped by to talk about his case. Nigerians, generally "gooder" than bad. Economic hardship cannot rob us of our natural empathy. kiss


Family / Re: Sick Musa Under The Town Planning Bridge Linking Ilupeju To Anthony Village by yuzedo: 4:33pm On Oct 18, 2016

So I stopped by to see our friend this morning and the information gleaned from today's visit was as hilarious as it was disheartening.

Approaching Musa, he was completely and expertly covered up. Like a corpse. My heart skipped. And my chieftaincy title failed me utterly, because in that split second, I realized a simple fact; I was only going to shake him if I was guaranteed a response. NOTHING would make me shake a body that would never respond. The mental trauma would stay with me forever. I couldn't deal, yes, I am a chicken!

It took me calling his name five times before he was roused from his obviously more comfortable slumber. He was fine, pheww! And happy to see me, but also specific about what he wanted today. Coke, and Mirinda, and Milk; no food for him this time, he was watching his weight. grin

Went across the bridge for his requests and when I came back, pulled him up into an upright position necessary for "breakfast". He drank 3/4 of the iced Pepsi, before asking that we pour the milk into the remaining soft drink.

"It gives me power.", was his explanation when prodded. grin

Some old Mamas trading by the foot of the bridge had been observing me with that "ehyaa look" only Nigerian Adults can quite pull off, you know the one, pronounced lip-curl of a downward nature. They finally approached with thanks and tangerines, and Mama in the brown bou-bou quickly admonishes me;

"No give am money o!"

Although not my intention, I was curious to know why not, so she reveals;

"Area boys dey collect am from the boy for night."


How low can you possibly be to rob a human so helpless and so vulnerable?!?!

Probably explains why the best of the clothes I dropped off with Musa were inexplicably missing. Apparently, they had also taken as much as N3,000 given him by an individual. Fam! Tiri gbosaa to dem!

Mama went on to reveal that another person had dropped off N1,000 with her to supply him fruits, and he loved tangerines. He was busy trying to squeeze said fruit into his "lethal" Pepsi and milk mixture. I was tired, abeg! grin

Musa remains in good spirits. Cannot decide what I prefer; his great dentition, his love for milk (and coke), or the equanimity with which he considers the possibility of death. He doesn't cower and beg for his life, but accepts every charity and challenge in good faith.

Here's hoping some highly placed person/group will take up this challenge to assist in keeping the Grim Reaper at bay in at least one life.

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Family / Re: My Wife Is Too Proud To Apologise by yuzedo: 10:10pm On Oct 17, 2016

Imagine if every time someone arrives late to work, the boss ONLY says some words (with no implied consequence behind them), and asks for an apology

...order will break down...

Productivity will suffer as people will get to work, everyday, by 3:59 PM - or not all.

If your wife's boss tells her, once, never to smoke in the office again, he will only need to say it that one time, and she would never repeat it.


Because there will be a swift and unforgiving consequence...

Consequences keep civilization in orbit.

Remove it and people will behead their neighbours, torch others properties and loot markets...

Although both relationships are different, the dynamic behind why your wife will comply with her boss' request command and not yours is the same...

Motivation 101: People take action that moves them towards pleasure or away from pain.

If all you'd do is whine, with there being no repercussion, then there is no motivation for her to stop.

If she adds the offending ingredient in the food, don't whine, don't complain. Simply don't eat it...because it genuinely upsets your stomach.

The same way you wouldn't drink a glass of laxative, if she serves you that in place of coffee.

You might ask, "so how is not eating the food a potent consequence?"

Oh it is! But not by itself...

You see, it is your sacred duty, as a man, to "escalate her escalation". If she gives your peace of mind, feminine sunshine and compliance, you take these up a notch and reward her accordingly.

On the other hand, if she gives you unpleasantness and discomfort...

You don't play chicken.

You escalate this too and reward her accordingly. "To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace", said George Washington.

See, whenever she puts that stuff in your food, she's essentially not giving you food. And if she's not feeding you, she isn't being wifely. And if she isn't being wifely, you stop being husbandly.

You can appeal to people's sense of duty, responsibility and fairness, until the cows come home, and they will still take you for granted and do as it pleases them.

But add one ounce of repercussion to the equation and their behaviour lines up nicely.

"Speak softly, but carry a big stick" ------ Teddy Roosevelt
You make me SO happy, Buddha. I honestly CAN'T! Kai!!

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Family / Re: Sick Musa Under The Town Planning Bridge Linking Ilupeju To Anthony Village by yuzedo: 7:30pm On Oct 17, 2016
Will try and get a picture or three tomorrow if it'll advance his cause, but I REFUSE to believe there are NO responsible people in the Social Welfare Department of Lagos State Government. Nope, impossible!

@Ify, he can't walk... Probably too weak to. Cursory inspection suggests muscle atrophy from severe malnutrition, but I'll leave proper diagnosis to a Medical Professional.


Family / Sick Musa Under The Town Planning Bridge Linking Ilupeju To Anthony Village by yuzedo: 4:51pm On Oct 17, 2016
Not Every Time "Flex", Sometimes "Epp" - Ongoing Case 17/10/2016

Under the Town Planning Bridge linking Ilupeju to Anthony Village, a bag of bones held tautly together by a thin layer of diseased skin lies awaiting an inevitable death.

Our bag of bones is what remains of a man, nay, boy, who despite his visceral state is surprisingly lucid, and as “cheerful” as his unfortunate state should typically allow.

He is my newest friend, and his name is Musa.

I made his acquaintance on Thursday, when whilst driving to work I spotted the human heap tucked in an obscure spot under said bridge, sleeping.

Have you ever slept for 24-hours because you had no choice? A certain period in 1998, I was sleeping for 24-hours, because consciousness meant INTENSE PAIN having just suffered a certain physical trauma. Twice a day, around mid-day and again at 8-pm, I would try to, and successfully muster enough strength to open my eyes for 2-minutes at the very most, to observe life – apparently proceeding without me; and to acknowledge my family’s presence, before being forced to relapse into an unconsciousness besieged by frightful, fiery dreams that were still a thousand times more bearable than the overwhelming anguish of a once-familiar consciousness we all take for granted.

Musa currently lives this reality – too weak to even beg.

On the day I made his acquaintance after buying him a hot meal, I was forced to return home because he desperately needed clothes. I brought back three shirts, two trousers, and a pair of shorts. I promised to try and get Lagos State Officials to come and rescue him. On Friday, passing my friend, he was wearing at least two sets of the three I had obliged him.

I was weak.

Na cold make man wear three cloth for inside sun!!!

How he even managed to put them on unassisted beats me; this bag of bones (Calling him a "bag of bones" is understating a physical condition akin to Kevin Carter's Pulitzer-winning depiction of victims in the 1993 Sudanese Crisis) needed me to pull him up to a sitting position when he wants to eat. Can you imagine finding a lone bottle of water after a 10-day trek in Sahara Desert but not having the basic energy to unscrew the plastic cap, so you die of dehydration? Our man had almost lost his teeth trying to open the coca-cola I bought, when I returned and effortlessly turned the cap. Nwanne, to open coke easy until your body no strong.

Sorry for all the details, but a pathetic situation requires full disclosure!

This thing has me thinking. What is Religion? – Not fornicating? Not worshipping juju?? Fam, did Jesus die for you to attend church where you do nothing but beg him for more favors


Now, let me narrate the concluding part of this story, and hopefully justify my reason for sharing with the world what I had planned would be one of many little secrets;

I felt guilty the entire weekend. Being in utter comfort on the Island, I continued to think about my new friend at the mercy of the elements. I half-hoped the State Government’s Social Welfare Taskforce would have picked him up for rehabilitation by Monday, but nope, Musa was still under the bridge, half-dead, but still lucid enough to remember me.

I gave him his food, and held a bitter-sweet conversation with the man who now wore what up till Thursday were my shirts. I asked his most pressing needs, at least until rescue came, and he was content with food, really. Ah! My warm room and duvet weren’t enough comfort during last night’s downpour, how much more, a sick man out in the open?! I promised him an old Quilt, but I’d bring it tomorrow on my way to work.

“Bring it today. PLEASE!!” He implored, eyes darting around desperately. “I beg. Today!!”, he repeated, eyes streaming, teeth gnashed in frantic hope.

It seemed mentioning the previously-unforeseen prospect of bodily warmth had galvanized awareness of his nightly suffering – and the reality of 24-hours being an eternity in such conditions!!

I was forced to immediately enlist my mother’s help in driving down to Town Planning with said Quilt, if only to quell his growing fear that I was leaving without redeeming my promise of same.

Instead of fruits, he requested milk, and as he drank, he asked for prayers. Ah! I couldn’t possibly open my sinner-mouth to invoke the Almighty, so I made a mental note to outsource that task to others more equipped.

Looking everywhere but at me, Musa continued emotionally;

“You don spend money plenty on-top my head, na God go bless you. If I die now, na God go reward you for wetin you do for me. I happy, God go bless you anywhere you go.”


A 20-year old; articulating his untimely death as though an old man at the twilight of a fulfilled existence… a child, blessing an “adult”, in Africa. Because of ordinary hunger??!!

Musa’s life is probably the opportunity cost of a bottle of champagne… I mean, isn’t this worse than Schindler’s List where a single lapel pin was enough to save the life of at least another Jew??

An Ancestor once told me – Wearing Ralph Lauren is all well and good, but abeg, wear Ralph Lauren and feed a widow. Wear your Gucci head-to-toe, but nwanne, encourage an orphan. You are human to be human. The poor will ALWAYS be with us/you – so that there is always an opportunity to give, and do more than just exist. “The only thing you truly get to keep is what you give away.”

… and then the Ancestor disappeared like Mufasa in the clouds.

PLEASE, if you know any official who can mobilize on this case, do your bit and call the person. Musa isn't going anywhere unless someone makes a moves.

And for whichever Government Official or Private Individual that takes it upon him/herself to intervene, I leave the Talmud Quote, “He who saves one life, saves the world entire.”

Not every time "flex", sometimes lets "epp".


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Family / Re: Will I Ever Get Married? by yuzedo: 8:35pm On Oct 03, 2016
Ah! The Marriage Topic. Everyone's favorite discourse. smiley

Nne, you know the "what", now you need the "why" to find the "who"...

WHY do you want to get married? Really. Personally, when I thought I wanted to get married, it was on the premise of the Bible passage, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing - and obtains favor from the Lord."

.. I wanted that favor.

But you know what? The same Bible says God makes the sun/rain minister to both the righteous and unrighteous.

So? I had to retreat for increased introspection.

And you know what I realised?

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Think about that for a second... Who are you? And why should another human being desire what you represent? Are you happy with your life? How can you attract a quality, balanced person if you can't offer as much? How can you make someone else happy if you aren't?? Does another person's child really deserve your less than 100%? Can you, as your Bible advocates, love your spouse as yourself, even as Christ loved the church??

When you are ready to love someone else as much as yourself, committed duly to serving that person forever, and in that light, equipping yourself with the requisite skills, resources and mentality to succeed in your resolve, then, the necessary (i.e. the Who) will manifest, and maybe all will be well with your world. wink


- Yuzedo writes from Ikoyi, Lagos, and despite the many many Biblical references is still the one to fück a bıtch real quick without superogatory double-takes or frivolous moral encumbrances.

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Family / Re: The Desperation To Get Married by yuzedo: 9:12pm On Sep 22, 2016
There are 365 LONG-âss days in a typical year.

The average person hopes to be married by 30, and die at 90yrs.

That is 60 motherfücking years of marriage, multiplied by those 365 LONG-âss days first mentioned.

Now that we have established a mental picture of the INFINITE length (i.e. 365 days x 60 years) of a potential relationship with someone who CANNOT love you like you love yourself (or at all, as a matter of fact), let me for the love of GOD, ask;

What is "desperation", and WHY will you have it?

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Crime / Re: Blogger Chukwuebuka Isidore "Ghostmood" Dies From Police Gunshot (Pics) by yuzedo: 1:30pm On Sep 22, 2016
Weed takes you to heaven...literally
How does it feel? Being a prime idiõt? smiley

Can't believe he is dead, can't be, he is probably in GHOST MODE just incase you don't switch back to NORMAL MODE then RIP
Oh look! Another "hilarious" twãt. smiley


TV/Movies / Re: Name The ONE Nollywood Movie You Would Choose For The World To Watch. by yuzedo: 8:08pm On Sep 21, 2016

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Health / Re: Graphic Photos: Cesarean Section Step By Step In Photos. by yuzedo: 7:06pm On Sep 13, 2016
Bekee bu agbala!

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Foreign Affairs / Re: Sandeep Kumar Sacked As Indian Minister Over Sex Tape With Woman by yuzedo: 1:10pm On Sep 03, 2016
Thank God they didn't make him Minister for MEN Affairs!! sad
Webmasters / Re: This Is Why Mark Zuckerberg Wears Grey T-Shirt Every Day by yuzedo: 1:36pm On Sep 02, 2016
Just becos the t-shirt is not flashing does not mean it's worth more than my earnings in 8months.

I remember wen i visited italy, i went to the centro in one city like that...let's say i was Window shopping. .so i went going through the price tag...the lowest price tag i saw was 800€.. i saw a baby sock for 1000€..na i open my mouth.
most of the expensive things i saw were not flashy or attractive but they were very expensive.

No be last week you go Italy? undecided You dey talk am like say na from baby you begin travel. sad angry

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Sports / Re: The Golden Age Of Nigerian Athletics - Videos, Pictures And Memories. by yuzedo: 1:53pm On Aug 26, 2016
god naptu! My everlasting respect, boss. We shall do exploits together someday, me and you.

1 Like

Pets / Re: Flemish Gaint(rabbit) by yuzedo: 4:27pm On Aug 22, 2016
Your phone numbers are unresponsive so sent you an e-mail. Kindly revert, thanks.
Romance / Re: My by yuzedo: 11:41pm On Aug 20, 2016
Checkout me and my love rita dominic, aren't we just made for each other, love her a lot.
get well sooon bro wink


Politics / Re: JTF And Abuja Taxi Drivers Clash This Morning (pictures) by yuzedo: 2:42pm On Aug 19, 2016

Are you the same funny yuzedo we knew back in 2013?
no. Na buy i buy d account from d smello. wink smiley

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Crime / Re: Two Nigerian Girls Fight In Europe (VIDEO) by yuzedo: 2:16pm On Aug 19, 2016
which image nigeria get wey dem dey tarnish?? Who nigeria image epp? undecided

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