₦airaland Forum

deols:
Ladies and gents,

HOw long should a relationship last before marriage
 
or better put,

How much years is healthy for a relationship before marriage

Brothers and sisters should be very sincere with themselves in this respect (as with other issues in our lives too). A brother who is looking for a sister should have marriage strictly at the back of his mind. If a brother isn't ready for marriage then he has no business making proposals or 'asking a sister out'. A sister who's not ready for marriage has no business accepting a brother's proposal.

Even though Islam does not stipulate a particular time-frame for courtship, it definitely abhors a man and woman 'dating', 'courting' with no tangible marriage plans in sight. Some courtship period may be delayed by circumstances beyond control. for example, the waliyy or members of either family may be against the union, and attempts are made to make them see reason. Either of the prospective spouses may need to make an urgent and unexpected journey etc. But courtship should never be for the purpose of 'getting to know each other'. You can never know enough outside marriage. Reality and true colours usually set in when couples begin to live together.

The length of time you court does not guarantee the success or failure of the marriage. People have courted for donkey years and still end up in divorce. People have met and married within a couple of months and are living together ever peacefully. Once we've done our Istikhara and put everything in Allah's hand, we shouldn't bother about trying to know our mate through courtship.

So I disagree with those saying a year. IMHO, a year is too long too court, except there are good reasons to do so.

Ti eniyan ba npe lori imi, esinkesin a maa ba le.

_{[sub]any good interpreter in the house?}[/sub]

maclatunji:
Salam, I think in as much as we are talking about relationship between man and woman. We should also talk about rejection. It is not every proposal that will be accepted. How should a lady reject offers that she is not interested in? And how should the man accept it?

Personally, I think as a man if you are rejected you should ask for a genuine reason for it and accept in good faith. Immerse yourself in your work or some other form of positive distraction and move on. Or what do you think?

Good question. Because as the Yorubas will say, the prospective husband of a woman are 1001, it's the one on top of the thousand that she'll eventually settle down with.

I agree with deols here. If a lady is not interested in a man, if you don't see him as being your hubby, the father of your kids, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then tell him immediately, as nicely as you can. If he persists, and you're certain you don't want him, tell him very firmly that he's wasting his time and he should stop being a pest to yours. If he's someone you really respect, you can put it in writing. And please ladies, don't sniff at what you won't eat. You know you don't want this man, he invites you to lunch, you follow him. he buys you gifts, you accept them. He offers you a ride, you readily oblige. The truth is that even if you continually tell this man you don't want him, but accepts all these offers from him, it means you're giving him hope, so please, let your verbal rejection match your attitude and disposition towards the man.

Some men handle rejection badly. I can remember a couple of brothers (one of them, an Imam in a mosque in town) in school who stopped talking to me till we graduated because I rejected their proposal. I see this as the height of immaturity. na by force?

Ok. Not only men make proposals, some bold women do too. Now, how do ladies go about this? How should she handle been rejected? Brothers, how do you reject a sister's proposal in order not to hurt her?

Lagosboy:
Kai that means , if all women were of this opinion LAGOSBOY would have it tough finding a nice sista 


Seriously some sisters are taking dress issue to a new level. I have seen not a few @salafi@ sisters turn down bros all because they dont dress in a thobe or have a long beard. The irony is the divorce rate amongst them int he UK is so high which is an indicating factor that those long thobes and beards are nothing but cosmetics when it comes the quality of islam in a man.

This shorts issue reminded eme of my experience in Makkah. After asr prayers     an arab bloke walked up to me saying "hadha libas laisa tayyib fiy al huna " with a loud voice . meaning "This dressing of urs is not good for this place" , he then pointed to the jalabiyyah of my friend implying i should be wearing that and not my bermuda shorts.

I was so vexed and wanted to take him on but i was fasting and it was in Ramadan where needless arguements are to be avoided. More importantly it was in the haraam. I just told him jazakallah and walked away.

Some people are taking dressing of men to a whole new level forgeting that there is what we call "ourf" culture in usul ul fiqh. Some even say u are dressing like the kuffar because u are wearing a jeans forgetting that the englismans culutre is that kind of dressing.

I am sorry to digress but i have been turned down once by a sister because of my western style normal dressing.       It was her loss anyway and such sister with such mentality does not deserve me  . . .lols   

We don't seem to be on the same page, LB. You are talking about dressing in relation to the deen. I am talking about individual preferences.

I can never look down on a brother in shorts (as long as its below the knees) as lacking in his deen. In my school then, it was even the 'konko' brothers that used to go on shorts mostly. It'd even be silly of anyone to judge a person based on such. But as for me, when it comes to finding a man marriageable, I do not like to see my man dressed in shorts. I'm sure if I wasn't a Muslimah, (God forbid), I'd still hold the same opinion so it's not a matter of religiosity, ok?

deols:
beard is equal to hijab of women lagosboy pls answer. I av always wanted to know

Beard is not equal to the hijab of woman.

Wearing hijab is[b] COMPULSORY[/b] and not wearing it is tantamount to great disobedience to Allah and His injunction. The verse on hijab are very clearly explained in the quran. A woman who does not wear the hijab is commiting a great sin. Beard on the other hand is a meritorious sunnah act. The Prophet (saw) enjoined the men to keep their beards and shave the moustache 'in order not to look like the Jews and Xtians'. Thus, it is highly ENCOURAGED for a Muslim to grow beards to show love and obedience to the Prophet (saw) and men who do this will be highly rewarded by Allah, masha Allah.

But we cannot equate the beard to the hijab. And Allah knows best.

There's no 'ideal' number. Different strokes for different folks.

maclatunji:
@Zayhal, it might be that she is afraid that his intentions are not noble even if he has not done anything wrong. It is a little bit like when you meet an organization that presents you with a business proposal that is well-researched and makes a lot of business sense. Yet, a part of you is saying: can they be this good? It is no longer about the other party. It is about you being in doubt!

Ok. I understand your viewpoint. But you see, some ladies would like the guy but will continue to make things difficult for him, make him beg them for everything, I don't like this. If you think you don't and won't like the guy, tell him straight. I'm very blunt in this area. But if you think you like him but have your doubts, pray about it, keep him at arms length, let him know he's a friend but nothing more, you need some time to gather your thoughts blah blah. Don't deliberately 'play hard to get'. Afterall you know what you want and don't want.

For example, if @maclatunji came in his shorts, riding his phantom and expected he'd sway me, I won't bat an eyelid, those shorts have automatically disqualified him.

I honestly don't see the reason why a lady should play hard to get if she's really down for a man. Maybe that's just me though. (The grandma in me talking)

^^^ ok I quite agree with that. Something like "ahn ahn, bwoda la npe yin now"

Thank you, thank you my children.

Well, I used to pray for a pious partner as top of my list. Other qualities I wanted are:

*Tall (I'm tall myself)
*Dark
*Goodlooking
*hardworking
*should be in the science field (so it'll be a good blend for the kids, me being in humanities)
*very romantic (yeah, alfas too can/should be romantic)
*down to earth
*Firm (should be a man in every sense of the word, taking decisions, saying things and meaning them etc).
*Social but not extremely so.

These are the ones I can remember at the moment.

Did I get all of these? Nearly but definitely not all. The truth is that there is more to an individual than the list we all put up to look for in our ideal man/woman. Even when we get most of these things on first glance, as time goes on, we discover traits and characters we may or may not like but which we have to put up with anyway.

In my opinion, two things are essential to make a relationship work to the end: piety in both parties and deep, mutual love. Every other requirement fall under these two.

Things like this happen mostly in relationships where the woman is in charge and the man is the meek type.

mukina2:
yes oh
i even thought you were older that aunty fayezik .
i once read your post where you said television was not for you

and by the way, you must call me 'aunty' henceforth.

^^ Vex ke? I'm swollen headed lol.

I think the person you refer to is @Fayezik. She's been absent for some time.

^^ se o wu iwa bwoda sha?

mukina2:
^
i thought you were in your 50s

Am I that old-fashioned with my posts?

Maybe I shouldn't have revealed the truth then, so that you all will be calling me 'aunty'.

You guys got me ROTFLMAO. Where do you get your facts (or fictions) from?

Anyway, it’s a good projection to call me a grandma. I look forward to becoming one, insha Allah. But for your info @deols, I’m still in my 20s but surely taken.

Jum'ah mubarak

toba:
28 - 32

Thanks so much for the reply. I'm surprised though, you usually sound much younger with so much youthful exuberance.

calculating your safe periods, but this is not 100% safe.

Leilah:
Yes so i shouldnt have said anything, how was I supposed to know that it is normal in nigerian culture to lie on someone elses sofa 24-7

I'm sorry, but the bolded is rather funny, you sound like a child laying claim to her ice-cream.  If she sits on the sofa and you want to sit down, ask her in a friendly way to make room for you, or if both of you are in good terms, just give her a friendly shove and sit by her side, or betterstill, sit on the floor close to her and even place your head on her laps or wherever, to create an atmosphere of love and peace. Afterall you say you love her.

logic1:
Nice forum.

It would be nice to discuss about the things that we (mothers) need the most that our children's creches, and primary schools do not provide.

For example, how can we get affordable ways to make our children learn stuff like swimming and other extra curricular activities especially in Nigeria.
How can we get help on organizing fun activities for our children

These things you mentioned are definitely available in Nigeria, at least, I'm certain about Lagos, don't know about other states. If they're not found in schools, they're readily available at fun centres for children. I even know a couple of children clubs where they have lots of fun activities including swimming classes.

Very nice Sissy, thanks for those.

Cheap popularity it is. But IMO, these fake alfas are worse than the Musicians. We all know the musicians for what they are and they make no pretense about their level of religion and morality but these so-called alfas hide under the umbrella of religion to perpetrate evil.

The truth is that they also enjoy the music, very well so. But they just need to sell, that's why they come out to say they don't. Bloody hypocrites.

Toba how old are you? If you don't want to be specific, just give me a close range. Thanks.

Wow! Where have I been?

@deols, you always come up with interesting threads. I've really enjoyed reading through.

I thoroughly enjoy this. Thanks deols.

^^^ what exactly is your point

@topic

Though science is doing its bits, my believe is that it is God's ultimate decision to give either a male or a female to a couple. People should just accept whichever they have and make the best of it.

In this age, people shouldn't harp so much on the gender but on bringing up their children as unique individuals, whether male or female.

^^How would she know? Do you break the fast in her house? Bring another evidence joo.

I'm fine.

toba:
2nd friday in the holy month of Ramadan. Our fast is exactly 19 today, 11 days to go. God will see us through AMIN

Barka Juma'ah to all of us.

Hear him talk as if he's fasting. No wonder you missed the count.

@all
happy Jum'a.

^^^Haba! Na wa o. The OP asked about women generally and did not specify married women. Your answer is rather narrow.

What about yet-to-be-married women, divorcees, widows? How about a couple who want to do the itikaf together, leaving their kids with perhaps grandma, or couples who are yet to have kids and the husband feels it's ok for him and his wife to go for itikaf? What of a woman whose children are all grown up and the husband is probably on a journey and she feels rather than just stay at home, she should go for itikaf? And other such cases.

deols:
Eid Mubarak.

zayhal:
Q 22

How do we greet one another on the day of eid?

The sunnah greeting on the day of eid is 'Taqaballilah minnaa wa minkum'.

olawalebab:
Q21 what is the name of prophet foster mother?

Fatimah bint Asad/ Haleemah.

Q 22

How do we greet one another on the day of eid?