₦airaland Forum

Thanks folks. I have some good 'huja' to talk to the brother now.

Please don't consider not telling his parents. Not telling will do the boy more harm than good. In fact, they should be told ASAP

uplawal:
@zayhal,lol,you and Toba

Abi o, my sister.

isale_gan2:
I'm not married, yet. My opinion is that the mother should go first, then the wife when they can afford it.

Salaam.

Thanks. the brother's concern is that the wife is most likely not to be happy with the plan of MIL going 1st. It seem husband and wife had been planning on going together.

ifyalways:
Personally,i wud let my MIL go first,no arguments at all,cos if it were to be btwn myself and my mum i wudnt even need to think before i answer . . .same applies to my MIL.
Btwn,did Toba edit his post or something cos i cant see anything wrong with his reply

Thanks Ify.

Toba didn't edit his post. His post is ok. But don't mind him, he understands better.

mukina2:
why should he be ignored?

there is nothing malicious in his post.
why do you people like starting issues?

Mukina,

It's you that is sounding malicious now. No one said Toba sounded malicious. But we all know his kind of person, generally. Or do you want to feign ignorance at his kind of person and his hatred for Islam? Besides, I doubt if my reply to Toba means anything to him. He's used to my ways and I'm used to his.
I'm surprised you're saying 'you people'. Which people? who are the 'you people'?

Tell us your own opinion first.

Don't mind Toba. He's better ignored, for now.

On the issue at hand. You know it's easier said than done, for the brother to go 1st with the mother may not go down well with the wife. I want the married sisters in the house to express how they'd feel in such situation. And the brothers too, who would you go with 1st?

Thanks for the input Sweetnecta.

children, love-making, bedwarmer, you can get all of these without necessarily getting married.

Companionship, tranquility, a friend that'll always be there.

A brother is confused on who to take to hajj between his mum and his wife. He can only afford the money for one person (with himself).

His mum has always craved to go for the holy pilgrimage while her husband was alive (the brother's dad). The old man used to assure her that she'd go insha Allah as soon as he got the means. now the old man is no more.

The wife of the brother is also there, though she doesn't talk much about it, the brother feels it may cause some grudges if he takes his mother there while his wife is yet to go.

What should he do? take mother there, take wife there, or wait till he can afford to take both?

Alhamdulilah.

Indeed there is still goodness in our ummah.

Oh my God!

AbuHanifa:
What do people really want to gain from putting up issues?

They have a lot of time on their hands, and don't know what to do with it.

lanredo:
Wonderful story taken from where? And it also important to appreciate those people we use their matarial by just mention name of the original writer of that story

Please! This is only a forum. Not some dissertation or research work. As long as the poster does not claim ownership, there's no need quoting sources. We're here to share knowledge. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

@OP

Nice post. Thank you.

toba:
i shouldnt have responded, but i need to get some things cleared. Some of u muslims are saying my greetings are welcomed whilst others are saying im a trouble maker. l think referring to me as a trouble maker is absolutely unfair. U have no rights to judged me based on wrong preconceived and stereotyped notions. lf u dont want my greetings, simply walk away rather than coming here to yell. pple like sweetnecta are real trouble makers. they come to the other side to cause trouble and insult christians. no? but this thread is peacefully intended so pls lets remain peaceful
Zayhal only God knows why u have so much hatred for

invisible!:
My car was stolen. But I replied them a month later with a much costlier car, the thief must be crying his eyes out now.

Crying ke? Or strategising on how to take the new one from you. You berra watch it.

@topic

Mine too was betrayal. Still nursing the bruise.

The OP is ok. I've received a lot of greetings- verbal and sms from people wishing me a happy new year. But truth be told, toba is a trouble-maker. I very much doubt his 'sincerity'. He did same thing last year and I was involved in the argument.

Toba knows himself, those defending him don't.

You have a valid point there. With time love can even grow.

Case opened and closed.

Taking the other spouse for granted. Lack of mutual respect etc etc.

As if you knew what is on my mind. Lovely wife, adorable kids, full pockets. . . yet so much headache and heartache in marriages.

What's happening here? When are we getting results?

Wow. Congrats. He deserves it.

xoxo, :
Nikah is on my list 4 2011. I pray it goes as pland.

@alimat2, totally undastand your situation, in a similar dillema myself. Tryin me best 2 get my priorities straight and think with my head nt ma heart. Ultimately, i pray 4 Allah's guidance 2 take da path dat wud guide 2 jannah.

Amin. May Allah ease it for you and other intendees

Not compulsory. But children like to wear new attires for festivities so you can buy weeks or months b4 the celebration and keep for them till then, to make them happy. This will save you the headache of the rush hour.

Yeah why not? What's there to hide?

uplawal:
To me personally,not hating here,but i feel,if you dnt wear your khimar and dress in jahlabia(cloak)youre proud and not obeying Allah,its not until you use teru,cotton and some cheap  useless poor material,except thats what you can humbly afford,   making you look dirty, you can sew or buy readymade lovely free gowns of quality material that expalins the conditions Allah  require and not until muslimas look like masqurades allover town,though it should not be glittering,the bottomline is dress according to Allah's requirement and not burden yourself up,and also wearing your khimar and free gown makes it an act of iman cos you are obedient to Allah,ofcourse with righteousness.

And the worst of all is we covering muslima using the khimar on our very young daughters,for crying out loud,they have not even reach puberty yet,talkmore of Adolescence,and Allah dnt prescribe it for them,let our little kids enjoy being kids in thier time and dnt treat them like full breasted or flat breasted muslima that requires khimar and jahlibab/jahlabia/free long gown/cloak

and forcing kids to pray salat,its so absurd,let them do it at the appropriate time,except they feel like to join you in praying,its even better because kids dnt like to be forced to do anything,psycological fact

My sister, so you too have noticed. You can imagine people (sisters) condemning me for using the small cape for my 3yr old daughter.

Infact, the poor girl wasn't allowed into the party hall in her former school when they had their end of session celebration. I was so pissed off! She refused to wear the hijab on that particular day and I let her be, and they denied her her right because of hijab, a 3year old girl! When most of us did not even wear the hijab until we're fully grown.

uplawal:
@alimat,asalamu aleikum,but why did it take you long to discover about his slowness in religion,dnt you know his strenght at the initial?while am saying this is because Allah also warns us not to use our  own hands destroy ourselves,and as the yoruba says,Asiko obirin kin pe su,so we all have to do it wisely and fast,dnt turn down offers from men even if you have to be careful at how to chooose one,you dnt be too choosy because no one is perfect in the deen,most men are trying thier bset to be better in the deen insha Allah,so be careful,you might even be the one that will strenghten him more when married,though am not suggesting you consider someone that lacks total knowledge of islam as thier are men like that and they still consider themselves as muslims,, just my advice  hope you reply me cos you've been avoiding my post since i got married even on facebook.take care ,yours is coming soon insha Allah.

Uplawal has a point there. but at the same time, I think alimat has a good reason and may Allah reward her for the bold step she took. She was the one involved, she knew the man and she knows what she wants in a husband. You know, at times, we see muslim brothers who have delimited the level of hijab they want for their their future wife. If a sister who aspires to continue growing in the deen meets such man, won't she quit the relationship?

Generally speaking, it's good to set our standards of the kind of partner we want that make us fulfilled, Islamically and otherwise so we won't regret the union. Although at the same time, we shouldn't be too strict on standards because we can't get 100% of what we want in one man/woman.

@OP

This year, I felt fulfilled and greatful to Allah: i prayed for two dear sisters to be married this year and it happened just like that, infact, their nikkah was a week away from each other, and we didn't even plan it that way.

Pame:
Poster, you are a honest man, a man of integrity and who will not want to compromise his integrity on any ground. I salute your courage.

The Bible let us realize that IF YOUR RIGHT EYE IS THE ONE THAT WILL MAKE YOU FALL INTO SIN, PLUCK IT OUT!. It's a simple analysis. What enters the mind is not sinful but what comes out of it.

The question of smone having control over his AP or not does not really come into everyday temptation, temptation that is not temporar, but the one you live with everyday, then everyday you see her, you get tempted and smday, you will take the girl to bed. "If Rev. Fathers could be tempted and fall on the alter of sex, what more cannot happen to you and me, followers of the clergy man?"

My advice:You are the head of the house, the chief controller of the home affairs. Nobody dictates to you on what comes in and goes out of the house, who you can take in or eject. Stand your grand, YOU DON'T WANT HER, PERIOD!

A little while after, you may call her to explain reasons behind your decision on the girl. Am sure, she will respect you the more and depose more confidence in you.

@bolded
this has been my thought all along. The man is wise, sensible, honest. i don't see any reason why anyone should blame him. He's only been realistic.

chaircover:
I wont lie but I have been enlightened these past few days about men & controlling their libidos & I must have been living in cuckoo land for a very long time.

I do agree that men can and do get hadrons by simple things but I would have thought that the brain gets in gear and controls the man. I expect that the attraction will be for a fleeting second but other things start working to counter the "hard on" such as your vows, morality, integrity and so on.

To a certain degree I think women are somewhat to blame too because we keep on excusing cheating partners; we even blame each other for seducing the man. You also hear things such as "at least he comes home at night" "at least he looks after us financially" etc

I personally think that many relationships these days are not as solid & as deep as they should be, people marry each other for the wrong reasons, don't really know each other that well etc. Some people are not prepared to work at their issues in their relationships so they take the easy way out which is to look elsewhere for pleasure & then end up creating another problem trying to solve the initial problem. I am not referring to the poster but in general.

Personally, I don't think that anything should be out of bounds between husband and wife. Why would you marry a man or woman that you cant confide in or talk to, tell them your fears, weaknesses, concerns, aspirations etc. A problem shared is a problem halved. These are the ups and downs of marriage; its not just only when you win a contract that you talk to your wife. No one is perfect, but we can help each other to make us stronger; We are on the same team against the world.

I also notice that couples are too serious and have forgotten how to laugh and find humor in their relationships.

I do however agree that some women can be quite dramatic & make mountains out of molehills & so one treads carefully with these types.

I was at a party with my husband a few weeks ago & we sat opposite this young girl who had 75% of her 44DD bosoms hanging out of her low cut dress. My husband actually sat directly opposite her & I was sitting beside my husband. When he sat down he gave me a funny look and I just winked back. A few minutes later her sent me a BB msg on my phone saying " I am being attacked o!" I knew what he was on about and I just responded saying "Agbaya, no friendly fire discharge o" and he smiled. My husband is not blind; he noticed the girl but he knew that it was a topic that we were both comfortable with. When we were leaving that night, I leaned across and asked the girl if she wanted a ride home & my husband gave me a big pinch. She didn't want a ride home BTW & we still laugh about the episode. I tease him about it and he teases me back.

If you are open with each other and able to discuss your inadequacies, fears, concerns etc with your husband/wife, then you are halfway there. Things won't look so daunting and mysterious.

I also think that if you share a deep & sincere relationship with someone, you know exactly what that person feels about you; so the self-esteem and insecurity concerns are removed because you know exactly where you stand. It is the not knowing that brings along the insecurity; The does he like big bosoms, am I doing OK in bed, am I pretty enough for him etc questions would have all been answered a long time ago.

And in answer to the question that I am sure a smart Alec will ask me is of this girl came to live in my house will my husband sleep with her; The answer is NO. How do I know? because he is a man of integrity and we have killed whatever passion in a matter of fact way. There is nothing mysterious about the girl. Will I want the girl living in my house? NO; because not everyone who comes across her will be able to control themselves & I don't want any scandal & besides I cherish my privacy.

But like I said earlier, Our method works for us and may not be for everybody & I am not here to force my views on anyone & and we are all just going to have to agree to disagree on this one

God bless you ma.

I'm sorry to say this but really you're in a real bad situation.

Your wife is apparently cheating on you and has her mother's backing

I'm not sure that marriage will last. You left the house and they both see that as good riddance. Another shocker.

Someone said you shouldn't eat her food all the time. I say you shouldn't eat her food at all! She and her mother are evil and can plot to get rid of you if you're not careful. Do you have children in the marriage? Do you love your wife enough to cope with her infidelity and remain married to her?

Ask yourself some of these basic questions, pray real hard about the whole thing but I won't be so keen on saying you should go back to live with those two women.

I read it in today's punch newspaper. I felt so happy that she's been found. But it didn't give details of what really happened or how she was found.