₦airaland Forum

chuksPraise50:
I don't really understand how some people think.... What did you discuss during courtship?
For me both parties are wrong,the wife in question is wrong for not telling her husband."Nothing like it's her money",if she doesn't trust the man that much,why did she agree to walk down the aisle with him.... Probably maybe the man has never hidden anything from the wife.
For the Husband's aspect he shouldn't over react,the marriage is too young for this...
In conclusion everyone should choose their evil wisely

i think you are missing the big picture here, but hey we got different views


the discussion during courtship is about the money you will make from day of marriage not the money one has before marriage
yes in most case women will benefit from the man has before marriage becoz men usually just transfer it into marriage but lets say the woman was the one furious about the money her man made before marriage still we use the same stance because

1 marriage is barely 5 weeks plenty of time to disclose

2 she has no right to moan and suckle over money he made before marriage her

3 there is transition period were we all have to wrap things from our single life to marriage

Back to the story what if the money was her project with father/mother brother sister etc ? doesnt he have any right to that ?

the dude should have just wanted for wife to explain herself further than trying to sound as if he entitled to the money or the wife decieved him

my main point is why sould one sulk over money that was made before they came a couple ?

Darlingme:
Some of the advice that some of you give on a faceless forum, is far from reality.
Why don't you quickly put yourself in the man's shoes and give your view on this again.

you got it wrong there is advice in my post but my own speculation how i views things

GboyegaD:
I guess we read things differently. I do not agree with him getting angry and sulking but nonetheless, whether it was made outside of the marriage or not, it should be disclosed. They agreed to marry each other and from that day forward, one burden/success becomes that of the other. Disclosing it doesn't suggest he wants to get the money so I do not see why you think the guy is insecure. Anyways, she knew his person and decided to settle with him.

Fair point but lets look at the points raised

1 marriage is just 4 weeks still plenty of time to disclose, she hasnt even settled yet

2 He showing signs of not being mature which opens lots of speculation of what he thinks of the money

3 You can know someone to a certain level and understanding then circumstances bring out a character that you knew existed in a person

GboyegaD:
What was your agreements on finances and disclosure before the marriage? If you guys agreed to non disclosure, he's got no right to get angry and you should tell him to his face.

I sometimes wonder what people discuss while dating that issues like this arises in their marriage.

whether discloure or not does one has to be pissed of with what one made before marriage?

its up to the wife to bring the money into her new life(marriage) or use it on her family (family trust)

the issue is he feels insecure becoz money can be used as tool (power and control) and like most african he feels threatened. he thinks he might have no control over his wife becoz she has the tool (money/wisdom)


Hubby is jealousy of wife's success, she has a current running business and she wants open another one with her own money, the hubby feels useless and lost confidence in being a provider

OVB123:
U would have to him before he got to know. the truth is that most men don't like their wives hiding something (vitae information) away from them; that is the truth. I will advise u to continue to beg him for forgiveness, i believe he will.

vital information for what ? its her money she made before they got married, eventually ahe was going to tell him remember its barely a month of marriage
Ask for forgiveness why ?

The guy has just proved that he is insecure in his woman having more money or showing signs of being able to handle money

Was going to act the same way if he had found that his has her own house ? using the same time frame of marriage

the brother has no shame, lets say the wife says she wants to give the money to her parents is he going to moan about it on what grounds ?

the marriage is only 4 weeks and he sulking over money that was made by her self, he should be proud of his woman, having the financial knowledge putting money into fixed deposit acc

bepositive11:
Yes, I get that.

I'm saying that those women who see their mothers get abused by their fathers, I wonder why some daughters promise themselves not to go through the same while other daughters repeat the abuse cycle by getting married to abusive men like their fathers

I guess you don't see a clear answer like myself

Even men, some end up becoming abusive like their fathers while others promise themselves to never abuse their wives like their father abused their mom

I guess there really is no clear answer..

Some become like their mothers and fathers becoz thats only way they know (remember we learn alot from parents than what we think) hence you find both men and women we always want our wives/husbands to be like our parents. You here someone saying i want you do it this way becoz thats how my mother does it

bepositive11:
I wonder though why some women choose to work hard and prevent abuse while other women choose to walk the same path of their mothers and end up getting abused

Do you have any thoughts on this?

there is no clear answer as every woman's journey to marriage is different and how she was raised play a part in how the thinks sees life and finally how she adpots to the new life

bepositive11:
I'll explain it like this

There are generally 2 kinds of women who evolve from these kind of situations where their mother was abused - the one who works hard and the one who looks for shortcuts

The hardworking woman saw her mother go through control and abuse from her father, and she promised herself that she'll never go through what her mother went through. She knows that her mother was powerless because she depended on her father for money. So she works hard and earns a living for herself. Any man who dare tries to control or abuse her gets cut off instantly

The other woman who looks for shortcuts saw her mother get abused but still, she looks for men who are controlling and abusive. She's repeating the cycle of abuse. Maybe because she feels she doesn't deserve any better. Maybe because she doesn't know how to work hard and earn. Maybe because those abusive and controlling men feel familiar and comfortable. Either way, she goes after bad boys and rich men with money and doesn't mind the abuse and control

You nailed it

Nilx:
Good afternoon to y’all.

Let me just go straight to points, Is there any legal Jurisdiction for someone that does not get married legally to seek divorce in court of law?

I want to know pls.

Thanks

you can not seek divorce from a court that never granted you one

in simple terms your marriage was never made constitutionally legal so you dont need the court to disolve it

I assume you married traditionally so it will be divorced traditional but any property/assets aquired during the period of marriage can be challenged legally

BluntNigerian:
Let's help this dude.

1st one should really define what is upkeep money

2nd how couples discuss family budget based on monthly income or weekly/fortnight or daily income

3 What are your expenses food, transport, electricity and personal allowance

Don27tiky:
exactly my point. Women should not have equal rights with men. The world was a better place when women were playing their role as women and now that they want and are playing the role of men, things are going bad. Believe me that’s what will end up destroying this world

well we see the world differently lets agree on that

Don27tiky:
okay let’s leave the Bible then. Men make this world comfortable for us to leave in. We will start seeing them as equals with the men when they start contributing to development of this world. They must not wait to be given opportunities before they make impact. Many men do against all odds

You are missing the picture, its not like women are saying they want to like physical like men or taking over men in what they do

there are point out at things that disadvantage them(things men you to sideline women) therefore women dont progress to the highest level like their male counterpart for a example, i gave the Saudi Arabia women started to be allowed to drive recently as 2018, or an employer wouldnt hire a woman becoz at one point to give birth and be on maternity leave. Eg a woman not being promoted simply becoz she is married (one having a self belief that a married woman wont the able to meet the job requirement eg travelling and spending time away from her family). One has to decide for herself and not give a chance based on one's self belief or culture or tradition. Eg is it fair, your parents build their home together then your father dies, this relatives grab the house from your mother becoz a woman is not entitled to her husband's property. All those examples are rights women are fighting for in different parts of the world


So when they say equal rights they simply mean give us the same opportunities just like men aka dont say a woman shouldnt do this becoz of her gender

Don27tiky:
what the Bible said is a fact. God configured man to be different in every aspect. That’s why you hardly see women inventors. Women are naturally created to depend on men.

it doesnt matter what the bible says

Not everyone use the bible a guidance like you

who dont judge people using the bible 1st know what principles do they use and judge them according to thier principles than yours

Proudlyngwa:
Everything is based on level of containment

A lot of western families especially Latinos/ asians still run provider administrator system ant they are very comfortable.

i dont dispute your views an neither am saying your wrong and am right, we are just sharing views etc

hayzed1090:
You see this your reasoning is responsible for the recent high rate of divorce, and its most likely to continue increasing looking at the number of people that have been brainwashed to believe your new CIVILIZED ORIENTATION.

Men and women , Husband and Wife - are not equal and will never be equal.. The natural relationship is EQUITY and not EQUALITY.

Been a husband gives you some right at the expense of wife , also as a wife you enjoy some opportunities that the husband is denied.

the issue is not about as you think, its about giving women right to access to things eg to drive, vote or owning land etc that are blocked by men, eg in UK women started to be allowed to vote in 1928 for them during that time that was their feminism, the in Saudi Arabia women granted the right to drive in 2018, in simply terms those are some on fiminism rights women fought for in their respective countries

Most men dont understand feminism becoz women abuse it eg 1 minute she wants to be treated eqaully the next minute she wasnt to be treated like a lady

then the other is men dont want the set-up to change becoz we benefit more from it

Proudlyngwa:
I opened a shop for my wife, not because of side hustle but for idleness, keeping fit and in case of I die unexpectedly.
I am not earning what society term enough but what gives me satisfaction is very minimal and I have taught my wife same.

I have come to discover that human wants are insatiable and if you don't tame that if you like you and your wife should be President and vice or farmer and housewife without curbing your desires, you will always want more.

If u want a functional family, one person needs to be a provider, the other or others an administrator.

like i have said before feminism differs from country to county and tradition to tradition etc

you see what you said last applies may be in the nigeria environment where you are ok be the only provider while wife is the administrator right fair enough

then look in the western world to buy a house you need a mortgage, to repay it its calculated based your family income, so lets say it will take you 20 years to clear the mortgage based on the sole income of whoever is the breadwinner. But lets say both hubby and wife are working the mortgage period of repayment will be reduced to may be 15 years meaning you have quickly cleared your mortgage

Don27tiky:
all you explained is the reason why feminism is the problem. Why should woman want to be at equal with men? If men start demanding to be treated like women all hell will be let loose. God never made man to be equal with women. A woman can never be equal to a man. That’s how God create us

dont expect that every lives according to the bible thats your 1st mistake

2nd is equal means alot of thing, eg some parents dont support their daughter to get the highest education simply becoz they believe that she will get married one day and move away so she is not worth supporting, feminism is just pointing at things that disadvantages women meaning they want to be treated fairly as men or given same opportunities as men

Proudlyngwa:
@ The bolded, where do you guys get this idea from, what we don't want is a wasteful woman, not someone we can't take care of.

cool i respect your point of view but in general how many men out there earning enough that wife doesnt do what you call side hustle to supplement the husband's income

Acidosis:
In Nigeria, feminism is not about workplace issues. Have you ever seen any feminism-related discourse on career section of Nairaland?




Totally disagree. Majority of married women in their 60-70s today went to school. Many of them even earn more than their husbands.

am talking over a big picture, the number of educated women now is greater compared to that generation of women who are 60-70 now

then when i mention feminism in nigeria it was just an example show how feminism differs country to country or culture to culture hence i used the word "Might" which suggest that it an example

Elianawalker:
Truth is, a lot of women don't want to go out and hustle on their own even if all the resources is right before them because women deserve competition or the tough life.

Many prefer to look up to a man to do it all and so they can just come in and enjoy life.


It's all part of the lust, be it lust for Money or lust for body, if can ruin us.


When she married him because of his wealth and she is treated like a slave or less of herself she becomes stranded because she has nothing.


If most women had wealth they would most likely conclude that they don't need men anymore but that is usually their mistake.

They only realize it when then start hitting 40 to 50, one of the biggest fears of a woman is dying alone.

i agree too but also consider this remember before the white man came to africa, husband and wife played their individual roles to provide for the family no one was being feed while just sitting eg men when hunting, heading cattle etc while women gathered veges etc

then when the white men came with industralisation, changed our way of life remember men were allowed to work in towns while living wives were in village, then town boyz would come back to the village wearing fancy clothes and charming girls by saying marry me you dont have to do daily rural chores which were hard compared to living in down were there was electricity running water etc. So men would say marry and i can look after you. This is were is started were women got attracted to be looked after with doing much hard work as compared to village life

From that time till now women got the belief that it is the job of the man to look after his woman but infact they looked after each other, it was the introduction urban life that made women believe that its their jobs to be looked after.

Those men who worked in towns used it as tool to attract village girl who later become wives in the urban town and were simply housewives

Now to the present time, no man wants a woman who just seats home becoz the economy is tough a single income is nolonger enough at the other hand women were/used to that "i can look after you "

One has to know his own history to understan why at one point women were also providers but all of sudden they seem to have lost the ability and want to be looked after expecting the hubby to be sole provider.Something changed somewhere

Elianawalker:
No long story, many marriages today are born out of Lusty desires. We all know lust doesn't last, if you are unable to differentiate lust from love then you could end up with a partner you will want nothing with anymore.

Then cheating creeps in and heart breaks and pretense, false regret follow.

Many people don't regret cheating on their partner, they pretend to do.

ok lets take that also a point

but dont you also think that women were trapped by virtue of not being also breadwinner? He who controls your finance control you and if they say jump you say ask how high?

Most women of the old generation tolerated abuse becoz they had no were to go aka without your own income you are trapped, society lookeddown on divorces, your own parents would sent you back if your husband is an abuser etc

socialmediaman:
Feminism arguably was a major contributor, and it affected mostly black families

Feminism is not the problem, Feminism never advocates for divorce but for equall rights were women are treated less or blocked to progress because one is a woman

Feminism differ from country to country, and in every country's culture and religion, eg a woman in Qatar feminism to them was the right to drive cars like men, then in nigeria it might mean to be treated equally with men in boardroom eg 7 boad members and 1 is woman she is being expected to serve tea to others simple becoz she is a woman by virtue

Feminism simply means equal rights mostly in work places or woman's development without being disadvantaged

The problem with high broken marriages is simply becoz women are now able to provide for themselves they nolonger fear to be alone becoz she able to provide for herself. Remember her family sent to her school to be educated and to be able to work one day

So now dynamics have changed where men have lost the control in the family as both are now breadwinners. am 46 our mothers were disadvantage becoz most either never went to school or went half way were simply housewives and our father would abuse their wives becoz they knew that they can not provide for themselves they would rather tolerate abuse than being shamed as divorcee and not able to have their own income

Now things have changed, it hard to abuse someone who has her own source of income they would just walk away

Most women are either becoming abuser just like their fathers or correcting the mistakes of their mothers by not accepting abuse of resource to control someone from leaving the marriage, so instead of staying for the sake of marriage to be called Mrs its a none starter for them they rather leave

Then for men we are also stuck in the past were think we can manipulate our wives like our father used to do forgetting that these two women aka our mothers and our present wives are different as in our wives are also educated just like us and a higher % are working bring income in the house compared to our mother who were educated to primary 7 and were just housewives, a big disadvantage to them, their were prone to financial
abuse etc

As men we dont see the rights women are fighting for simply becoz we benefiting more from current setting that disadvantages women then on the other hand women are misusing feminism especially in family homes or set up to settle scores

Preciouschinwe:
Good evening everyone. I'm in a confused state right now, and I would like if experienced mothers in here will share their experiences with me.lately I have been having thoughts of going to school of nursing. But the negative comments from people have disencouraged me comments like how hard it is to get admitted, too expensive and time consuming for a mother and a wife, Thanks in advance.

your mistake is consulating people who add no value directly to you hence they give the negatives, among the people you asked was there a nurse among them ? and did s/he did the course while married with kids?

Never ask general people about a your personal goals 99% of the people would be jelousy.

let me give you tips, the main thing is considering your circumstances eg how many kids do you have, their age time they go school and picked etc. All that affect you with studies eg who drops them at school, who picks them up Your husband has to chip in to help eg bathing kids helping with homework so that you dont get much worn out

Imagine coming from class eg at 5pm kids want bathing, cook for them, hubby wants attention in the bed, you got some reading to do or a assignment which is due, all that affects your studies

These would be just challenges based on your individual life it cant compared to anyone becoz there are specific to you and family circumstance

the example i gave is based on scenario that you would going for studies the same town your reside and you would be commutting to uni on daily basic

Well just tell her that she is becoming no different from her aunty aka being a monster

And in the end the girl will hate her the same way she hate her aunty

She needs to break the chain of hate in the family

Your wife needs councelling from what she went through herself

Problem with most african culture and tradition is that were taught not to confront our elders no matter how much they have hurt us and are absorbed with anger and hate. The girl is just a remember of how she was treated and i guess hence your wife has resulted of being nasty to the girl. Untill she gets councelling or the aunty apologies to your wife she will never properly heal and treat the girl nicely.

am not defending her actions of insulting you and your mum but i want you to understand the anger in her, you need to help your wife to heal. She has mental scares

princeemmma:
We all understood why some wife in the bible addresses their husband as "My Lord", example is Sarah (1Peter 3:6.) Why? Because the husband is the second after God to his wife, God made the husband the head over everything and that's the way it should be (Ephessians 1:22). Apostle Paul also instructed the wife to subject to their husband (I Peter 3:1).

We understood the fact that civilization has brought a lot of things, that made the wife feel he should address his husband by his name. But is this fare? Is it the right thing to do biblically? Why don't we follow the bible anymore? Has life changed to extend that it has to cancel the word of God?

Making note of this, i remember a couple who love to address each other by name, the wife call the husband Funsho and the husband addresses his wife as Mide, the unfortunate thing that happen is that when their child started growing up, he started calling the father by his name "Funsho" and was addressing his mother as "My Mummy". He was addressing the father as Funsho at home, they found no fault and they did not rebuke the boy, not until the boy called the father Funsho inside the Church, when everything was quiet. Now whose fault is this? Can the boy stop?

Now to my question. What do you call your spouse and why? Is it proper to call your spouse by his/her real name? how do you feel it should be biblically?

As for me, i feel it should be done the way the bible says, and am trying to apply this in my marriage currently, and its working very well.


N:B This is for everyone to learn and mend the fault in all their Marriages, even if you are not married yet, you are still going to get married. (Proverb 3:13 and 11:28) "says blessed are those that seeketh knowledge".

there is nothing wrong calling each other by name, what matters is the type of environment you are when you call each other by name, is it a church, home family gathereing, etc at church your wouldnt call her by name the same as you would in front of her parents

In your house you can call each other whatever works for, you out in society you tend to blend i with what others are doing (culture and tradition)

For kids, i am an africa raised person but i live in the western world, yes married couple can call each other by names even family familiy friends but kids dont use names to call
their parents, they use mom and daddy

Most africans judge by how western grown ups call
each other by names and think kids do the same to their parents but they dont

My friend is married and i call him by his name and when i asked his child to call him i dont say "call Joe for me " but i would say call your father for me" and him goes to his father and say "UNCLE JOHN" wants you he doesnt say John wants you

mrbenjame:
Please I need an honest opinion. I’m not saying there’re no good women. But the rate at which women who marry their abroad hubbys and thereafter go to join them overseas and start misbehaving gets me very worried and sometimes afraid. The question is

1. How often does this happen?
2. Should a guy go on to take his chances?
3. Should he marry someone already abroad?
4. Should he settle entirely with another Nationality totally?

Guys make una input o make we know where we Dey.

most african women's behavour once abroad is based on two things

1 the behaviour after qetting a good job and stable financially is due to the environment that raised her aka most saw their mother's being abused financially and emotionally by their fathers simply becoz the fathers were the providers aka breadwinners and abused the role . So when the women come abroad take opportunites that are not there in their countries they better themselves became nurses etc. meanwhile some men are stuck in the past saying i was a bank manager in nigeria i cant be security gaurd in UK etc their are stuck in the past while women grab every opportuniy. now tables have changed wife is eg a nurse earning more then hubby and she that recentment how women are treated back home etc now she become like men back home, anything she wants she goes for it becoz she has the financial muscle to do it, hubby cries my woman has changed etc, yes she has becoz 1 she grab opportunity 2 the recentment from the environment she grow up
I haven been in UK for 20 years and i have never personally came across a nigerian male nurse, i i dont know but i guess few take the opportunity to be one but i have seen lots of zimbabwean who are male nurse they took the opportunity, it might not be the best job in the world but it can make give a
stable income etc


2 Men are stuck in the past they want to have upper hand they used to have back home, becoz the environment allowed it aka 1 most abused the breadwinner role 2 culturally and tradition even instituation favoured men eg wife goes to report to police that she has been beaten officer advise you to call the elders to talk, etc a men can just kicked the wife out the house you built together and he can get away with it, whereas the western world does not tolerate that, hence a small thing wife abuses the western world laws becoz she was raised i environment that abuse women from in-laws tradition, culture and the institutions etc, now men gets shocked as if they were nice people back home. Now men feel like they lost control and come up with excuses of the western world etc whereas we build that anger in those women

Am not saying women who does all that are right am just saying their are product of how they saw their mothers being treated. If we changed how we treat these women back home etc, They wont change much unless the woman is just a nutter

As men lets look into how we have damaged those women using whatever mean that favours men

Proudfather2022:
Yes I do

then we leave the rest to you we have gave you our thoughts

grafixdon:
Your wife disrespected you by not informing you before contacting that deadbeat father. Sooner or later, the chemistry will grow and that dude would bang your wife trust me.

thats an assumption

and thats the reason why most people dont like child to have contact

but this are only assumptions, which deprive child access to the other parent

your insecurity makes you as bad as the coming back parent

1 a partner can cheat regardless s/he meets an ex
2 for partner to cheat it means there is something lacking in you unless s/he is a cheater by nature
3 marrying someone with his/her own kids you have to be emotionally intenligent and wise otherwife dealing with ex partners can break you

Double0h7:
Let's be honest though... he said himself: I was against the decision but I didn't want to say my mind first , I wanted her to decide first  to see if she is grateful for me to be in the child life and she said she will ignore him and block him because he doesn't deserve to be in her life. I have told her I supported her decision


How could he be against a decision but support the decision?

The wife knew that it would hurt his feelings and she just didn't know what to do. She prioritised her child and that was her mistake which she apologised for and explained.

you nailed it

both did hide the truth from each other and pretended to be fine with what they agreed in words but inside they had other ideas

Most people both men and women we always think parents coming back to have access means you are now being cheated on

We forget about the need of child to know his/ her biological parent we worry first about our needs which are "is s/he going to be faithful"

it is the job of the partner you are with to make you trust him/her by being open and you being inlvolved in any decision making of that child and letting ex know that you have a partner/wife/ husband etc and they should respect that

Proudfather2022:
She should have open up to me the very first day she went to visit him with the children. If she didn't then I don't see why she should do it now. I would rather mind my business for the sake of my own sanity. I have 3 children who needs me the most and I have to be alive for them.

let me break it down for you

1 the same reason you say your 3 children needs you the most is the same reason that child must have access to her own father, regardless that you might think the mum might cheat on you, the child needs to know her father and the extended family

2 your interest is not about the child but the fear of being cheated on( from the start you didnt want the child to have contact i assume most common reason is the father coming to take over)

3 wife was wrong for not being open in both going behind your back and also not expressing what she really felt about your initial thoughts which was (No contact)

4 you now leading yourself to distruction based on mistake done by wife instead of finding ways to deal and find a solution that works for the 4 of you ( child, u wife and ex ) you are already giving up

5 her friend that you doesnt like will became a prophet to say i told you he is not a good husband

6 the 3 adults u wife and ex should have arrangements that work out for both parties without hide and seek, or emotional abuse (wondering where is she, what is she doing etc)

7 from now onwards you are likely to be withdrawn to the child and start to be annoyed with simple mistake she does, that might grown into hate other kids might pick it and bullly her

Proudfather2022:
Yes I have surrendered it to them because she is their child and they are free to decide on anything concerning her and I am nothing to her. All I care for now is to look for a lawyer to help me out with the cancellation of the adoption ( I don't know if it does exist but i strongly believe the lawyer will be in the best position to help me with that) also how to remove my surname on her birth certificate.

You are being emotional

so far you have been a better father to the child why throw it away ?

Teach other people you good deeds now you want to be said step-fathers have temporal love they surrender once biological comes into the picture

teach both the child and ex that you are a good at heart

Proudfather2022:
She should have open up to me the very first day she went to visit him with the children. If she didn't then I don't see why she should do it now. I would rather mind my business for the sake of my own sanity. I have 3 children who needs me the most and I have to be alive for them.

we agree that she was wrong, but it doesnt mean, you have to make decisions based on wrong she did.

if you mind your own business it will eat you more because you will start to think that maybe she cheating etc

Get involved in every arrangement it will give you peace mentally and emotionally

Be introduced to the ex and be known as the husband and every decision goes through the two of you as husband and wife