₦airaland Forum

Oyiboman69:
why going to the extent of adopting someone's child in the first place?... can't you be your brother's keeper?. as an African, you went and easily adopt the procedures in the advance world. the problem I can deduce from your post is not only the father coming back for her child... why would they go for a DNA test in the place?,and if this is what happened, I can boldly concludes that your wife is the one facilitating this whole saga and you on the other hand, should just accept the situation as it is now and move on,or tell your wife to take the child to his biological father.adopting the child is your undoing....

Proudfather2022:
Thanks..
My question is am I being unreasonable for not wanting to know anything concerning the child and her father. My wife thinks I should be interested but I don't want to. Like I said earlier I have told her to do as she pleases if the father want to visit she shouldn't inform me she should just take her to him and if I came home and I didn't see the child I won't be bother asking about her whereabouts because I am minding my business. So is anything wrong with that

Greatdand007:
Hello Nairalanders

Is it right to fight my dad over his land he sold out without tell his us and people were blaming me because my dad and mum were not in good terms they said I should have confronted my dad as the only guy in the family. wise ones in the house please put more light to this

jmoore:
I have seen some folks making statements that marriage opens doors.

Simple Question: Why do we have poor married couples?


Getting married with no tangible source of income and hoping that marriage will bring financial success is a gamble.

Proudfather2022:
We are based abroad.  I met my wife with two children from different fathers her youngest daughter was 1 years 6 months then , I also have a son back home and I have accepted her and her children like my own. This woman has helped me a lot in this country before I met her my life was upside down nothing was working for me in this country. They have rejected my request stay in the country and asked me to leave the country but if I am a citizen today it is thanks to my wife who has never gave up on me and I am grateful.

When I met her i knew her first child father was in the picture he have contact with the child and pay child maintainace but the second child father was absent , he have never met her , she knows me as her father and  I have adopted the child and named her after me. We are also blessed with two children together.

It was last year in May when she woke me up in the middle of the night and she said she has something to tell me , i listened to her carefully and she said actually her second child father has contacted her again and he want to have contact with the child after 8 years of being absent. I asked her what did she tell him,  she said nothing yet because she wanted to ask me first and hear my thoughts.

I've told her it's up to her to decide on what to do, I was against the decision but I didn't want to say my mind first , I wanted her to decide first  to see if she is grateful for me to be in the child life and she said she will ignore him and block him because he doesn't deserve to be in her life. I have told her I supported her decision

Unknowingly to me she contacted him and went with the children to meet him and the second time she and the child went alone to conduct the DNA test in June. She introduced him to her as her father and he have been calling her to speak with the child almost every week but I had no clue.


I find out tue truth when her friend who I hate so much she have been against our relationship from the onset , she advised my wife not to marry me because I was after her just for documents after receiving it I will dumped her and this is the same person that opened up to me and revealed all the secrets to me. She told me the guy name too.

I was heartbroken and u couldn't believe my ears but first I wanted to hear from the kids to confirm if it was true and I called both children and they have confirmed it to be true. My second daughter told me she has 2 daddy me and her biological father.

I asked my wife why has she suddenly changed her mind without informing me first even if she wanted him to see the child she should have at least informed me first so we will know the best way to for both of us to tell the child the truth and also discussed the best way to establish contact between the two instead of keeping me in the dark and I had to find out from other people. I even have accused her of sleeping with him but she has swear that she didn't sleep with him after everything he has done to her she can never try that again and she said the same friend that reported her to me was the one who advised her to give him a chance to be in the child life but she should not tell me and she also went ahead to seek advice from others people they advise her to give him the chance some of them said she should inform me and others said she shouldn't so she has  listened more to her friend and keep quiet. She apologised to me she said she will stop contact,  I told her to do as she pleases because she have shown me that I am not her father and have no right. I have told her I will concentrate on our two children together and for the other two I will mind my business she said I shouldn't because I am their father but ignored her.

Now she is been informing me about everything like if he call her she will tell me and show me the call log ,  if he send money she will tell me the amount which I am not interested I keep quiet  and last time she asked  for my permission if the child can visit her father next weekend. I've told her it's not my business she started it without informing me and she should carry on without me and do as she pleases while  I am busy concentrate on our two children and son back home . She started crying that I am being unfair to her and her children.

I have forgiven but the good vibe we had before won't be the same anymore because I feel like she betrayed me and I don't want to put mouth on things that doesn't concern me.

I am being unreasonable

DontBullshitMe:
If my wife will not cook me food, why on earth am I getting married in the first place?

Men have really sunk low. Fuçk.

Stephen2324:
Husband closes work 4pm, wife closes 7pm, who should prepare dinner?

Pinkzebra:
But we were abused in all of these just because we are kids and we do not have true relationship with our parents .
We felt humiliated, we hated our parents. This unnecessary beating is responsible for the high rate.of dysfunctional adults we have . We carry this burden of guilt and not knowing how to love truly or maintain healthy relationship with people .

Today I discipline my kids and do not beat them for every 'error' I mostly admonish and it works and we have close relationship. We the millennials guide and discipline in understanding while still maintaining good relationship with our kids .

Our parents do not seek to understand they themselves are broken so they try to fix their own brokenness by breaking us even. The cycle continues , but a new breed of parents are cropping up. But we must create a balance for we can break a child when scolding and discipline is absent for "allowing " a child to do whatever all in a bid to show love and understanding is dangerous in itself.

Kobojunkie:
Society's view is a nothing but an opinion of a majority as the time...a Reflection of the general wisdom of the majority in society at a particular point in time.

What you refer to as "what is expected" is nothing but that a general opinion.

---

E.g. Did you know that at one time, eveb rape was generally accepted as punishment for what were referred to as "wayward" girls back when I was young? Today, we are finally getting to where rape is and will be considered a violation of human right of the victims and will be fully punishable by law in all states in Nigeria.

Did know know that when I was young, violence and abuse in marriage was the societal norm - husbands had every right to punish their wives in anyway necessary to instil discipline in them. Fortunately, society has improved in this area this since more and more people have become informed enough of the violation that is abuse, and hopefully, we will get to a future where victims will no longer remain silent.

Kobojunkie:
This is not at all true.

Society's expectations change over time following the level of wisdom of the people in general, so it is wrong to assume that Society's opinions are set in stone.

Iyaebe:
Please is it compulsory that a lady must know how to cook before marriage? What if her fiancee accepts her like that,should she still entertain any fears or she should go learn before the marriage.

wunmi590:
As it stands the man is the head of the family, and when he says NO, the NO must stand...

I'm a male

sirjamesjnr:
According to some traditions, you cannot disown a child born within marriage on the basis of a DNA test. The moment you pay brideprice every child from that woman is yours. So I have to ask this question: Is it right for a man to disown a child born within marriage due to paternity fraud? What is the fate of these children involved?

mystery22:
Yes,will choose my mother over my wife anyday,anytime....if my wife can't stay she can pack and leave, won't even feel her absence...anybody choosing his wife, someone that can betray you or run dna scam on you without remorse is an idiot..no woman can even try that nonsense with me..

chiommy123:
No! They are weaker vessels.

Bola146:
Firstly, seriously you have to let go of the dead, she was so dear to you, yes but let us face the living, your kids and their wellness, you can be remembering her yearly or on her birthday which any woman you want to marry now must support that, still remembering the dead would not allow you to love any other woman dearly again. It would be like she is still living with someone's husband.


Secondly, please try to know if the woman loves your kids dearly, don't rush into a relationship that you will regret later, since you have maid, why not be patient. Be so close to your kids and the maid, ask for their own opinions.


Lastly, watch and pray!!!! Let God and His Holy Spirit lead you. Your kids are your number one priority, work hard and take good care of them, don't just leave them to strangers care. God be with you sir.

Misternas89:
During my postgraduates program in one of these federal uni, I’ve got this particular female friend who’s all over me asking me questions, advices and suggestions as if I studied Guidance and counseling. I woke up to received her message again, this time around it’s something I can’t just give my verdicts and my brain is “full” already. I would be glad to receive some suggestions on what to do from you guys here. As I always says I’ve got my intelligent guys and ladies on Nairaland, now the text goes thus;
@
“My husband wants to quit his high paying IT job and start his laundry business. My parents are totally against it. I am finding it difficult to choose either of them. What should I do?“
Cc Lalasticlala kindly help move this to the ministry boss.

udoji2021:
Do you know how old is the pregnancy and when she stop going to the farm? why are you not saying something about her violent behaviour?

you are making me look like the wrong party here which is not fair. upon all this, I still love her more than anything.



As for the marriage conselling, I suggested before that we should visit someone that is older than us and share our problems for possible solution but she refused. And personally, apart from money, I can do anything to make her happy cos she is all i have for now

udoji2021:
Thank you.

But calling me names was not necessary, I just pray that something like this should not happen to you or a relative cos it's not funny.

udoji2021:
Life is sweet generally but can be cruel to others.

I was once a happy guy with a bright future but marriage is practically killing me. it all started when I become sick and was admitted in a hospital. my aged mother was the person staying with me and was responsible for my everything. inside the ward, another patient was with this very beautiful girl that was very hard working, my condition was critical that my mother will have to bath me sometimes, this girl now started helping my mother and to a point, my mother will leave her to be taking care of me and go home.

I become close to her, but i use to think that she just pity my condition and wanted to help so I did not think of having any relationship with her. I was later discharge and went home but since we exchange our contacts earlier, we use to talk often. I asked her one day to visit me which she agreed. To my surprise, this girl brought some provision for me and slept over in my house. she continue visiting till one day, I told her that if i was strong and capable, I would have loved to date her. she confessed instantly that she was really interested in me and did not care about my condition. According to her, she was born in a poor family and can handle the pressure of been broke, that she will be the happiest person if I love her back the way she loves me. I was moved with her words and to cut the story short, we started dating.

Her parents were highly against the relationship initially but when they become tired of us, they allow us to do our thing but never involve them if something happened. fast to December last year, we got married.i was not even able to pay 1h to her parents. she just pack her things and join me in my house. we were the happiest couple on Earth till things started going north.


First, we agreed to do many things in the farm against hunger next year, we started with melon farm, then groundnut and yams. we were still on this and I must confess that she is hard working but pregnancy came and this girl started misbehaving, she will not follow me to the farm again and will not even cook for me. I dare not complain cos she will insult me seriously. sometimes, I will tell my sister to cook but this girl will not eat it because the food is bad.

One night, she sent me out of the room in the night that I must get bananas for her to eat. I suffered that night till I got it from one woman on credit cos I was not having money on me. last month, she was sick and visited one private clinic, I was to 10k for her treatment but did not have the money so I told her to give me 4days to look for it, there was no insult I did not receive that night. I have to sell my yam seeds and pay. infact, I'm tired of this life presently cos i use to think that she will help me but the reverse is the case now.


please I need advice on the way forward, I want to run away from home but she is pregnant, her people refused to help us too cos they warn her before.

pls advice me



cc: lalasticlala

pelusi:
Please at what age should male children stop sleeping in same bed with their mother or is such act okay and normal.

The children have their own room and bed but most often prefer sleeping in the mother's room while the father will be in the other room.

recklesslove:
According to Martin's Heidegger, the German Philosopher who said, " Man is thrown into being" , simply means we don't get to decide our sexuality, height or complexion on other natural endowment. Being gay is something that is shrouded in secrecy especially in Nigeria and so instead of helping homosexuals we stigmatize them making the situation worse.
Homosexuals in Nigeria cuts across all sectors, they are not spirits they are our husbands , wives, brothers , sisters , friends etc, they are in every family, don't be fooled but society have taught them how to hide .
The purpose of this write up however is to see how parents contribute to making this happen. Masculinity or feminism is on a scale from 0 to 10, but proper upbringing can normalize sexuality. There a place in "Things fall apart " , where Okonkwo said about one of his sons " He has too much of his mother in him", yes mother's should set boundaries about how close they are their son , how much care they give them , boys should be allowed to play rough play and get dirty. In some Africa country there a ritual called " weaning" where the father weans the boys child from his mother n takes his into his hut as early as 7 years and trains him into manhood.
Homosexuality is the soul of a male child trying to connect n bound with his father , so u see most homosexuals are not close to their dads, so they keep searching for that bond in every man they r sexually attracted to. Fathers should make deliberate attempt to bond with your sons , mother's should bond with their daughters too. Most men don't know what it means to be a man n so settle to homosexuality.
Like I said masculinity is on a scale on 1 to 10, with 10 being a perfect n whole sexuality but parenting can correct whatever defects that arises from birth. No homosexual is happy to be one , they might have accepted it as a way to survive cos they believe they can't change .

Syntaxbyte:
Please advice me on this.

There is a girl we have been dating for 3 years now, and we seem to be in a good term wrh each other, so I introduced her to my Mum which she welcomed her nicely. And I have got to know her Mum too (not her Dad yet).
She has been visiting my Mum for a greet even without both of use go together. I will just be notified by her that she went there.

So, both of us went there yesterday (Sunday) for a greet. I saw my Mum attitude against her, not so nicely like before. I then begin to observe tightly but noting to hold up on.

That night, my Mum called me that she needs to speak with me (I realized that she's about to talk based the girl).

Mum: Good evening son, I so much love you but that's why I will not kept quiet.

Mum: Your fiancee disrespect me so much. The last time she came, we were washing clothes. She sat down a bit and stood up later to wash, but she didn't even eash it well.

Me: Ah,

Mum: Likewise today (Sunday), she saw me washing clothes and can't even collect it, what if there is a visitor in between?

Mum: Just Incase you see me not so nicely with her next time. You should know that that's the cause. She disrespect me a lot!

Me: Mum, am s sorry, I will talk with her

Mum: No, don't say anything to her concerning this. I will change against her whenever she comes, till she ask that "Why" and I will tell her.

PLEASE, advice me, I so much love my Mum. But I want this girl to be a wife she proves to be.

Please what can I do?

Jashub:
You're still missing the point : intellectual prowess doesn't mean you can't relate with an illiterate wife. Neither does it mean she cannot add value to any conversation. If indeed you love your wife, and you value her input, there you can find ways to have conversations that will include her in your affairs. Most men out there want to marry "educated Barbie " who know nothing apart from eating fatty foods and giving mouth-action

Jashub:
It seems you're interpreting intelligence for education. And this is not so. You can have a wife whose intelligent but not educate and s she'll still be able to contribute to your life in more ways that you could imagine.

Jashub:
It seems you're interpreting intelligence for education. And this is not so. You can have a wife whose intelligent but not educate and s she'll still be able to contribute to your life in more ways that you could imagine.

Jashub:
There is no twist here because there is nothing to twist. Experience still remains the best teacher and until you've experienced something, you don't have the right to talk about it.

Jashub:
It seems you're not following me on this issue because your sense of reasoning defies logic.


Let me give an example : two men are trying to know how it feels like to shoot a gun. So Mr A watches a video of a man shooting a gun, while Mr B goes to a shop and buys a gun and tells a soldier to teach him how to fire. Now who amongst this two men will have a better experience at shooting?

Jashub:
[s][/s] Your analogy is off-point. And mind you, Dangote got rich through corruption, not hardwork. Now before you open your mouth to start vomiting rubbish, try and see how many commodites Dangote group is holding in Nigeria

Jashub:
[s][/s]Bros experience remains the best teacher. So keep silent while we wait for other meaningful people to talk