₦airaland Forum

djon78:
She will never change until it's too late and she goes with a lifetime scar.
The main problem is that she has no value for herself. Such a kind of woman will make a bad wife.

A woman that allows a man treat her like a trash. There is no need advising such one.

See words on wisdom just dropping on this thread.

LordKO:
@OP

You've an erroneous understanding of what love is, thus the reason why you've mistaken stockholm syndrome for love - you're just a slave to your own weakness, you don't have willpower. Strive to extricate yourself from the emotional entanglement you've put yourself and after that make sure you conquer yourself emotionally and psychologically before going into another relationship with any other man to avoid a repeat of what you've passed through in his hands so far- that which drains you emotionally, psychologically or financially can never be love, at least not genuine love.

The fault isn't entirely yours though, your weakness notwithstanding; you're involved with a guy who has neither conquered himself nor has genuine interest towards you. Genuine love renews energy, it never drains it.

Altruism without conscientiousness always zaps energy (own energy) - reciprocity of altruism in particular and conscientiousness in general is the secret of any healthy relationship. Take to goodness/remain good, but stop rewarding disloyalty with goodness or enabling/indulging/condoling nonsense.

Acidosis:
Naturally, we all gravitate towards what we are familiar with. Problem is many are familiar with terrible things. You can't be familiar with good things and still choose to stick with the bad. Examine yourself, what kind of people do you surround yourself with? It is not normal to fall in love with bad people. It is ma.dness to find descent and good men unattractive. When a woman says they don't or can't seem to love a good man, I immediately consider them as people with terrific upbringing. You can't grow with good people and find good men unattractive.

@bold:

You can tell the value a person places on himself/herself by the way he lets other people treat him.

No person with sound mind let him/herself be treated like trash in the name of love/lust.

Lamanii22:
She does have financial freedom... She just doesn't want a divided home...

Is there something wrong with your dad that you believe he deserves to be cheated on?

Jaubdu:
For me I feel staying in love is so much more difficult than falling in love....Every reasonable opinions counts.

The hardest part of marriage is choosing the spouse who is the best for you now and is capable of evolving to be the best for you in future.

crackkhaus:
You don't have to take my word for it, I was like you too who didn't know about it until I was told and had to go research on it (for the fun of it anyway).

Engagement rings are worn by both man and woman, even till today it still happens in some places.
I know this one will be hard for a lot of you to swallow, but take your time to investigate it instead of arguing against it on a whim. I didn't say it to score points.

The argument that is even made by people who know about the culture is that it was still the men who bought both rings (although no proof of that), the argument has never been that men never wore engagement rings.

At least, you agreed it is a sign of ownership so I wonder why you were arguing against Acid then.
If you see it as ownership of a woman, why don't you argue for it's abolition if you don't like being owned or just encourage women to inversely give their men engagement rings also so that the ownership will go both ways?

And yes, financing is all I was referring to when it comes to marriage rites, not flogging. That was never even a thing among southern Nigerian cultures.

As for me using the sub-saharan Africa umbrella, I did that for a purpose. However, streamlining it to just Nigeria, there is no place in the entire Nigeria where the traditional marriage rites involve the woman presenting gifts/satisfying obligations of any kind to the family of her husband-to-be.

If you know of such a place, I'd like to learn it today.

@bold: The Yorubas.

Actually, when it comes to traditional marriage rites, an average Yoruba man cannot complain about the financials except he wants extra.

Yorubas return the bride price (aka we are not selling our daughter), have gifts for the groom's family and host the groom's family.

That is why bride's family dictates the pace of the marriage ceremony in Yoruba land.

SifonAbasi:
These names here have just one letter difference and mean different things.


1. Okon & Akon & Akan & Akpan
2. Effiong & Affiong Offiong
3. Emem & Emeh
4. Edem & Edet
5. Ebong & Ubong
6. Udo & Udoh & Udo-udo
7. Atim & Etim
8. Ime & Ima
9. Ufon & Mfon
10. Eno & Ene
11. Mbok & Ibok

Sifon,

If you want this thread to be worthwhile, tell us the meaning of each name and those that are feminine /masculine variations.

That way, when I hear Offiong, I remember SifonAbasi on NL.

agobentim:
Celebrate With us. Warri VS Akwa Ibom.

Happ married life.

Biko stick to native attires, you are born for the culture

Franzinni:
Note: this is not a Mr know it all post... I am as clueless on the subject as the next fellow, I just need to strike a meaningful conversation with people of resounding intellectual capacity on the said topic.

I was raised in a broken home ...and I don't mean broken as in parents were not living under the same roof (at least not at first) but my meaning of broken is they were far away from each other even tho they were close together. Even as a 5 year old, I could see the tension and the silent screams and condescending side glances but since I never knew any other life, I just felt it was OK even tho the inner me could tell it was not normal.

Now, I have a mind that has its own mind and so my thought process is a little different e.g I could just be sitting and minding my business and then my mind hits me with a logical question from nowhere ...like , why did God leave the tree in the garden of eden knowing fully well that his creation will go and eat it ....since God know the beginning from the end? I then ponder for a little but with no answer I push it aside ... I have hundreds of questions which I have pushed aside for 35 + years of my existence and I guess the store is overflowing with them ...so I decided to pick one and share maybe I will get someone to give me a hand with understanding new perspectives on things.

Marriage

Marriage is the coming together of two people to become husband and wife by any means that is universally accepted based on the tradition of that place. Now I have an argument to the effect that marriage is a flawed institution and is not a natural thing because putting two people .... Totally unique individuals from totally different homes and upbringing,values,beliefs, desires,aspirations etc and putting them together for life ... It has to have its toll... And most people who get married never understand fully well what they are taking an oat for.. Most just want to have a " wedding day" forgetting happily ever after only has a place in the movies ... It is a complex journey that has so many layers to it ... I have been married for 6 years and I have had my share of ups and downs, but every time I hit a patch that question creeps into my head over and over ...is marriage meant to be a natural thing? Lets leave religion out of this for a moment, are humans supposed to be enslaved to each other for the rest of their life? If you are married or in a relationship, I can guarantee you, that you are in it for a selfish reason that you feel will be to your benefit... She is fine, she is hardworking, she is from a good home, he is handsome, his family is rich, he is tall, etc there is always a reason why we want something and deep down every last reason comes from selfishness.. You see something you like in that person and you want to have it to improve your chances of survival ...most people never think what happens when that attribute that got you to like the person fade or disappears totally.. I guess that was why my own parents never found happiness in each others arms despite the fact they lived together as each others slaves. Marriage is unnatural. It is an institution with no classes, lectures , handouts nothing, you learn as each day unfolds because every marriage is unique.. In of itself ...now you can't know what your partner is thinking, planing, you simple are forced to apply the super band aid called trust and You just have to keep dodging and ducking while blindfolded, after all love is supposed to be blind. Well I will stop here for now .... Will like to know what you think.

What do you think causes problems in marriages?

crackkhaus:
Focus on the big picture.

That guy's comment was very apt.
Buying fuel is just an example to drive a point.

Understand the larger point behind the comment.

I saw the big picture and the fuel money just put me off.

If he said a husband is expected to be financially responsible for everything in HIS HOME, I agree.

His in-laws expect a gift/money when leaving, yes.

That they will check if their daughter is shinning courtesy the husband, yes.

That an in-law would look up to the husband for the day-to-day running of THEIR HOME, haba!

Is the wife's family wretched?

crackkhaus:
Which is exactly why the problem persists.

You can't be comfortable with the special treatment/chivalry you receive as a woman from patriarchy, yet at the same time be against the perceived position of a woman in family heirarchy.

You're either against it all, or against none of it.

True or both parties pick whats suits them.

blank:
So, the treatment of each other is based on financial stability? Because in the example you gave, if the wife's father turned on his gen with his petrol, ferries them around in his car, etc, the husband won't need to perform anything or show "his manliness". What if that same wife visits her husband's people and provides the petrol, etc. Would she be entitled to not run around serving people but put her feet up?

I have always asked what the traditional Nigerian husband brought to the table apart from money.

That's why they are always about money, money, money.

I wonder why an average working Nigerian woman would still settle for a traditional model of marriage.

Michellekabod2:
Women are indeed their own worst enemies. I have never seen a father-in-law or brother-in-law of a lady bully or oppress her. It is always the mother/sister-in-laws that do this things.
What time does a man who is rather busy watching football have to look at his female in law with scrutiny and grumble about her?

My sister got separated from her husband for five years because of interference and bullying from her two sister-in-laws


I am sorry ladies,I blame you 100% for this

I agree with you.

It is usually SILs and Mils tormenting the DILs.

yeyeosoronga:
Traditional marriages should be scrapped.

It has no benefit to any woman.

Unfortunately, most women wouldn't agree with you.

Will respond





Hopefully

Modified: Obviously hopefully not

pansophist:
A thread you need to read.

A married woman will go to her parents home with her husband for a short visit, after exchanging pleasantries and make him feel comfortable, everyone will be scanning around to see if their daughter is suffering or hit a jackpot of a man. Because he is the husband, he is expected to be a workhorse, as his presence represents money. Their lucky daughter. 

As the scorching sun descends on the congregation in the parlor, everyone looks at him (their daughter's husband) to bring out money to buy petrol for the generator, as the bride's younger sister suggested. From his peripheral vision, he can see the emerging looks from all angles, and he knows that he has to bring out money for fuel, or else, he would be labeled all kinds of derogatory names, and his manliness questioned if he can actually be a good husband to their daughter. 

Their daughter and her kids (if any) will be scrutinized to see there is any trace of suffering or hardship. If her clothes are top-notch, if they came with their own car or Danfo/Okada (public transport), their daughter will be accosted with prying questions that reveal the financial sophistication of her husband. If it happens that he is not doing well (in spite of the economical hardship ever-present), he will be faced with micro-aggressions, belittling remarks, with the artificial respect they have for him melts gradually. 

No one will give him any ''human treatment'', that is, to be understanding of his present challenges, his past good deeds, the beauty of his heart and what good father/husband he is, after all, who is he? Is he different from Uche that brought a car for his wife and open a shop for his inlaws? He is even sponsoring all his wife's siblings in the university. They will start beefing him, lose all respect and may become hostile to him. His inlaws will start grumbling and may even become outright rude to him. They will hold a meeting with their daughter-in-law. His masculinity questioned, and clarification needed if she is not suffering in his house. Is she is well-taken cared of, and may even express regret that their beautiful daughter ended up with such an unfortunate of a man. 

She will not be asked why she is not working, or of what assistance and contributions she is bringing into the relationship. He will leave his inlaw home sad, physically and emotionally drained. He will feel not man enough, and what ought to have been a short visit of merriment ended up being a visit of hard labor filled with misery, tears, and regret. My annoyance is that this inlaws from hell are searching for a problem where there is none, with their irrational and unrealistic expectations and standards that they can't fulfill themselves, but expect others to fulfill for them. They have turned relationship/marriage as a poverty alleviation program, a source of income, without acknowledging the shared humanity of the groom. It is only women who with their insatiable need, may potentially destroy the peaceful marriage of their daughter. 

Even though they vehemently express their hatred for patriarchial institutions, they still expect men to fulfill patriarchial responsibilities such as being the sole provider of the household, their actions and words are totally different, and the lack of self-awareness, cognitive dissonance, and an inability for retrospections makes them unrepentant gatekeepers of patriarchy. Cant a man visit his inlaws and be treated specially for few days without always expecting him to fulfill the role of a cash machine? Take it or leave it, most married men will rather spend holidays with their own families than inlaws, because of the above reasons.

Maybe you are taking of a specific family.

Which yeye in-law would wait for the husband to buy fuel?

Funny thread.

First, these things are really dependent on the husband.

I know women who take their helps with then when going for any family function. Some others lodge in hotels and visit their in-laws from the hotels.

Some other in-laws have enough kids to run around that you can really up your feet up.

Each woman should be smart enough to have systems that work for her per family.

And any woman who is cool with our culture should better not complain

Barbie15:
I didn't think it was a big deal since he was far away from me. He was in PH, and he always adviced me to stand with my hubby. He gave me so many good advices , I never knew he would wanna even touch me for any reason. That was the reason I went

Awwwwwwww

The guy has nothing to do with money again than to gift a random married chic on SM.

If you were single, we would say he is prepping you for marriage.

All these strange stories sef.

Ha!

Papa K!

God comfort those he felt behind.

Hope Pakistan screen those birds.

I think Seun should create an 'nkan be' or 'labe orun' section.

It could be named 'Stranger than Fiction'.

The Family Section is not equipped to handle these 'end time' stories.

They have finished this OP

For marriage, the earlier the better.

The fear of training kids with pension money is real.

You also want to see your grandchildren and great grandchildren.

There are blessings in it.

Madam nor vex.

Hotel, refund her full money.

Full spot.

I am curious: why going to Italy this time though?

Mizwisdom:
Will he drive his mum away?

Aunty when the mother invited another cousin with her three kids and does not let him have peace after overstaying her welcome.

CAPSLOCKED:
MOTHERS-IN-LAW SHOULD LEARN TO LEAVE THEIR CHILDREN'S MARRIAGES ALONE.
I DON'T BLAME WOMEN WHO PRAY FOR THE DEATH OF THEIR MOTHERS-IN-LAW BECAUSE MOST TIMES, THOSE PEOPLE CONSTITUTE THE WORST NUISANCE.

You know, when we say a couple should leave their families and cleave to one another, they automatically assume it is against the man.

If the wife in this case understood marriage, we would not have this thread.

rodgermetty:
she is not working for anybody. Several time he has asked her to leave and she would and then come back again uninvited. they dont welcome the mans family, they dont even take the kids to see them in years yet they are in same city.

Who the heck are the 'they'?

The only person's opinion who counts is the wife's.

So we should be talking she.

Or the wife's free loading mother shook mouth for the matter too?

Was the father of the husband present in his life? Does he lack self esteem? Is he afraid to confront people when needed or.....

IS HE JAZZED?!

rodgermetty:
uncle he is the one providing, the mama is on pension, she have other children too. She doesnt allow the guys family , they dont go to see the guys mum,... infact the last time he wanted to take his children to spend Christmas with his mum after he came home but the wife disagreed and started a fight. She never visited his own mother but her own mother lives in the house.

This husband needs to be assertive.

A walk over is unattractive.

bigiyaro:
he should simply move his wife to the town where he works and if the house is a rented one, he shouldn't renew the rent. Las las its obvious he is been blackmailed, so it depends on how strong he is, either he calls their bluff and chase the in-law away or continue living as their slave.

The wife wants to divorce him if the mother leaves so will she want to move?

Besides, why should a man run away from his own house because of his in-laws?

He is clearly not assertive with a very disrespectful wife.

crackkhaus:
This is just too ridiculous to be true.

The MIL even has the guts to tell the SIL that he is blowing things out of proportion and the stupid daughter (wife) could not throw her things out?

On second thoughts, for the daughter to be stupid enough to give her husband her mother's clothes to wash, I should not be surprised by her further actions.

This is a script writing apprentice.

TonyeBarcanista:
Wait like Seriously, your husband do those things? What manner of men are our society breeding? Very stupid, foolish and useless men...

OP it's not your fault, you married a woman claiming to be man!

And what in God's name is wrong with a husband doing chores and washing HIS wife's clothes?

Vyolet:
This is the funniest shit I've read in a long time, how can a woman give her pyant to her married son to wash not to talk of son in law.
Thank God it is fiction.

@bold%

My sister,

Thank God it is fiction o!

Happy Sunday.

chiiraq802:
Nigerians are the worst set of people on earth, instead of them to normalize the price or even reduce it self, so that everyone can afford it...Dem don cari the price high...
Like say no be person weh dey alive dey buy market...#useless Country

I don't get.