₦airaland Forum

Hedonisst:
Then again you people shouldn't emphasise the "houseness" matter too much. It's simply a matter of being broke. No be until you get office, shop, or workshop before you fit chop.

Trust me, many of the richest young husbands in Lagos are "house husbands". Men who relax on their couch/bed/backyard and pull in millions of USD annually, while madam and the kids laze around, junket around, lounging all year. Don't ask me how. We live in the age of globalisation, telecommunication and the Internet. It doesn't get any better. It's not a must to "go out" before you can make money. If you know, you know. Use your imagination.

So yes, the issue is being broke, not being a house man.

Do you know what a housewife/husband is?

Someone working from home is different from a house spouse.

A housewife cooks, clean, takes care of the kids, does all the school and market runs etc.

If a house husband can do all that, we have a discussion.

If not, let him get his lazy bum up and get to work.

What kind of wickedness would make a husband/wife not disclose their HIV and STD status?

I also think the medical team should be proactive and notify the spouses.

DWJOBScom:
Such people still exist trust me but you find them when you are like them

Spot on.

Olorunnim:
You guys need to settle your differences, for you to be keeping tabs on each other There's still a pinch of Affection.

Like someone said, the opposite of love is indifference and not hatred.

Why are people missing the point of this thread as stated by the OP?

A woman who out of N20k feeding and small change can buy an industrial machine is not an extravagant wife.

Na wa.

calgaryFriend:
This is the reason a man should never allow the wife know how much money he has, she will plan to blow all the money without foresight......... Men reading this I hope we are learning ?

From this tread?

Woaw!

calgaryFriend:
My responses are these :
1. The family should not be thinking of a car yet, they have too little income to purchase a car.
2. How sure are you that the husband agreed with her in the first place, have you heard from the husband ?
3. What does someone that spends all her life at home sewing need a car for ? She nor dey go work na, so why does she need a car ?

4.Lastly if the OP husband was your brother, would you advise him to get a car in his situation ?

1. Depends on where and how they live. We don't know their income yet.
2. The OP seems sincere enough. The story is not rosy and she is not hiding her feelings.
3. Only she can answer that

4. What would be the duty of his wife that I would actively advise him? Even if I would suggest anything different from him, the caveat would be discuss and agree with your wife

calgaryFriend:
I have statee before and just did ini my post above that there plan does not make sense. A family struggling to furnish a house should not be thinking of a car, and have you heard from the husband ? How sure are you that the husband agreed to that suggestion, what if it is the poster that brought the idea and the husband rightly made her know car is not the best thing for the family.

That man has earned my respect with his decision making so far, you would not expect the poster not to add some lines to make her look perfect right ?

You obviously did not read the OP.

They agreed to the plan shortly after their wedding like milestones new couples set.

They planned to have a furnished house - car - next thing.

They furnished the house and started saving for the car. Hubby even assured her per milestone that their target amount is almost met. They meet the goal and when wifey is thinking of the car, hubby 'suddenly' realizes that he wants to do his masters.

By the way, the decision to do masters is not a hasty one or quick one. Why didn't he hint his wife that he thought doing masters in XYZ would boost his financial chances in future therefore they should delay the car?

calgaryFriend:
Let me break things down now, I have some time on my hands.
This is a struggling family, they even had to save up to furnish the house, I suspecting the average monthly total family income is far less than 100k.
So for this kind of monthly income, how will someone think of buying a car ?

I am amazed at how people are insisting that this family needs a car , which kind of breeds of people are these ? The car will not run on water, how can a family that saved for months to furnish a house now be thinking that the next thing to do is to buy a car, does that make any sense ?

By the time you buy a car, your family and neighbours will assume you guys have arrived and start demanding for things from you, if you dont give them money you will start making enemies for yourself.

Before you can buy a car ideally, you should already have a piece of land, you should have atleast double the price of the car saved up as savings somewhere.

How can you now say with your financial status as a family the next thing is a car.

I dey vex here gan ni, as in I can't believe people are so eager to impress others and will not be able to organise themselves.

This is simple financial literacy, you do not buy a car while the family is still strugling to make money.

Lastly, a masters degree in Nigeria costs far less than the money for a car. A masters degree is just 2 years at about 100k fee per session, so how technically the poster is misleading people with her narrative.

Your husband is not using the car money to do masters, he has probably insisted that the next thing in your life as a family is not a car which actually makes a lot of sense.

lemme rest here, hopefully people have gotten more insight, if I see any one still support op in her car dream I will vex sha .........

You are not getting the OP's point.

Her husband deviates from their joint plan last minute.

It is not car dream or show off. Afteral, same OP said they planned not to borrow money for their wedding and while she sewed her wedding gown to save cost, hubby borrowed N500k and bought a suit of N100k.

The plan could be anything tomorrow.

It has nothing with what they want to do at the moment. She is addressing the character of not sticking to plan.

calgaryFriend:
Typical response from a lady, very shortsighted.
This may sound like pride but I built my own house before I was 32 years old.
I had some girlfriends then who would look at me and querry why I was driving a much lower car than my colleagues , I just laughed.

My colleagues were blowing money on cars I got a 1996 honda bullet manual and that was what I was driving, and saving up and investing, I also did a masters by the way.

Are you saying , a family cannot exist without a car ?

The bolded speaks to your level of comprehension, the option is between buying a car and investing in a masters degree.

Try and argue within context in future.

Lastly, we live in a very materialistic society therefore it is not surprising most women are supporting the wife in her choice of buying a car than to allow her husband invest in education.

I live in North America now by the way and I dont have a car, I use the transit, I can drive yeah and also I can afford the best cars, but I use the transit and so do thousands of wealthy people here CEOS and Billionaires.

You guys need to emancipate yourselves and think the future not the present, the woman does not go anywhere but stay at home to sew clothes so is it the sunday driving car to church that is so heavy on OPs mind that she must sha buy a car ?

The OP is not even talking of buying a piece of land, you are in a rented apartment and you think a car is the next thing.

THINK.....

@Bold,

The issue is not what they plan to do; the issue is the husband going against the plan at the last minute.

If he thought masters was important and thought that the new plan was better, he should have won her over.

I wonder how difficult it is to understand.

Would you have supported the wife if she had the money and decided last minute to enroll into masters instead of buying a car as they earlier agreed?

LewsTherin:
Blanket plenty for house.

essenceplus:
Men of old and now haven't changed as much

I think men today are better than men of old.

Again, the women had less choices so they were forced to stay put.

The average Nigerian is not concerned about divorce rates, they are concerned about the rates of women divorcing.

Afteral, same men who do not love divorce would throw out a cheating wife at the snap of a finger, why doesn't the hatred for divorce crop up then?

Bossjakande:
if u can face challenge in life u can face in marriage.u no be Christain so get lost. dats were prayer and cancelling comes in.

If a wife is cheating on her husband, what do you advise?

Bossjakande:
am very angry now.wen I say dis room is fmnot for young girls some attack me.dere are some demons who are out to destroy young girls.dey hate marriage. dey hate virginity dey hate true love and fatefulness. I ask after divorcé wat next? did u think marriage is small fight u divorce.most of us growing up always fight with our younger or older ones did we kill or seprate from dem? der is no challenge in marriage witout solution. a broken home cause pains to d kids.it affect dem negatively some get rape by step father or Neva feel love or become depress yet dese agent if darkness want you to see divorce as a normal thing.work out ur marriage.God hate divorce.
after divorce u remarry.wat If ur new hubby or wife treat u worst.u marry again or snatch person hubby like Stella damasus.brake a happy marriage.or y begin to sleep around.wat will happen to ur children?I have Neva seen a divorce person DAT is truly happy.

I think a better approach is to:

1. Teach people to choose their spouses wisely
2. Be tolerant
3. Put in their best in the marriage
4. Not take number 2 for granted resulting in absence of 3.

I very well believe that a spouse will not divorce if all is well. I also believe that in cases of a toxic marriage, seperation is better than bringing up dysfunctional children and longevity of marriage doesn't necessarily mean successful.

LewsTherin:
I am pursuing a family dream that is keeping me away from family!

I've been away from home for about 2 weeks. Longest period ever. And I still have more than a month at least to go! Sucks like hell.

But my Lady and I worked this out years ago and are only now just able to put it in play. I for one believe in sticking to plans. I'm old fashioned that way, I guess.

I know some spontaneous people and my life. And one very close to me prefers to plan and change plans on the fly. His wife though has learned to live with that or understood that part of him before they got married and so tends to subsume her own plans within his. Not easy for her, but somehow, they get it to work. And they are observably happy as a family. Successful too.

Guess OP should think along those lines seeing as she didn't know who her guy was before they tied it up.

This cold weather , feeling for my sister.

OP needs to learn how to be super flexible and change plans on the go

LewsTherin:
Yes. That's why I am trying to find out if they both agreed to the plan or if she just believes that they did.

I also want to know if she knows that her husband has goals and if she knows what those goals are

And how are you doing?

Longest time

nwanneni:
we are revolving around the same thing.
His money is his and he can change his mind anytime on how he chose to spend it!wisely of course.
So yeah,changing his mind abruptly is allowed

Really?

I see.

LewsTherin:
Exactly. She may come across as being very opinionated. "My way is always right"

So far, your plans here are for the family. We also see some of your own dreams. Do you know what his dreams are?

Then he should have said dear... XYZ rather than agree and fickle out next minute.

I also dislike that he uses her to achieve his goals and then deviate the plan to suit himself. If he wanted them to shine during their wedding, why didn't he tell her to flex and buy a nice gown since he would end up borrowing?

LewsTherin:
Careful. You are beginning to sound bitter. You won't get anywhere like that. If there is one thing that will put a man's back up (any man at all) is to address him out of bitterness.

Can you please answer the question I asked up there? I still want to have a clearer picture.

@bold very true.

I wish spouses do everything to preserve the initial eagerness to please.

Excesslove222:
I appreciate your scolding... But trust me I won't be bothered if he has a history in making good financial decisions.
Looking at Nigeria today, the future belong to smart entrepreneurs...
Even the people that support him...still come to me behind his back and say I'm actually right....but they will go to his face and tell him "women don't have foresight"...

He has refused to see that we are in this together and if anything goes wrong, me and my children will bear the brunt.

I'm not a feminist but I won't bear the brunt of a bad financial decision.

And about being entitled... My father trained us never to be entitled to anything, not even his own cash...I can do bad all by myself...I just wanted to build an empire with him " from the scratch" I guess I'm with the wrong person.
Or maybe building with a man is a scam.

Please calm down.

nwanneni:
The bolded is the reason I will never accept a Kobo from any female.
They will contribute 5% and make noise like they brought all the money.
So according to you na FROM TIME TO TIME input your husband take build that savings ba
Let him do as he pleases to advance himself.yoy should make some money too so you can build yourself as well then y'all meet half way.
Goodluck

Is this about accepting money from women or about sticking to plans?

Na wa for you.

Your lack of objectivity on this thread is alarming.

She is not complaining of money, she is complaining of him not sticking to plan.

nwanneni:
would you do it for your husband?
Be honest!

Do what?

Change plans on him halfway?

Nope.

We are one.

Excesslove222:
Please I need matured advice

1. I married a struggling man,I was conscious of the fact that he wasn't rich, I wanted someone I would build with.

2. During the wedding preparations. I told him that we must not borrow money for it, we should work with whatever we have cause I did not want us to start our life with debts...he accepted and assured me we wouldn't borrow....it was after the whole ceremony I found out that we were more than half a million in debt.
I was hurt because I went as far as sewing my wedding dress and my bridal train dresses myself just to cut cost, but my hubby wore an Italian suit and Italian shoes.

3. When he met me, I just finished nysc and was learning fashion design, we did not really date, he plainly said he wants to marry me which I accepted cause he ticked most of my checklists in a future spouse.

Now to the main issue...
4. We had plans that after the wedding, we would start saving to furnish our apartment, after that, we start saving for a car, then also save to start a family business... That was the plan.

It took a while to furnish our apartment because of the debt incurred during the wedding but then, we later did and we started saving for the car.

5. Note: I don't really put anything into the savings, but I really have to manage resources around the house he gives me 5,000 per week for house upkeep/feeding but i always end up adding my money to make it up... And I rarely ask for money for stuffs for myself, I just manage what I can afford.

Back to my story...
6. We've now gotten something substantial to get us a family car (I'm heavily pregnant) and he now knows he wants to run a masters program.

7. I'm actually not against him doing his masters but I feel the timing is wrong...what he does for a living does not require certification (if not I would have said he would get a raise after the program) he just wants to have a masters degree because all his mates have a masters and "something may come up in the future" but I feel we need a family car and a family business more right now.

8. I'm so pained cause I thought we were a team, I thought my feelings matter, I thought I was important but now its obvious what they say...that a man is only loyal when he is broke.

9. I have been saving really hard and was able to get and industrial sewing machine(without his input) recently, and I hope to start a "ready to wear" line once I put to bed.
He is 37 am 28.
10. I no longer manage resources, I collect every dime I need around the house and increased house allowances... Please I'm I over reacting?
We've been married for a year and half.

1. Interesting that you identified what you wanted.

2. Hmmmmmm, he did not stick to the plan. Why didn't he raise his objections instead?

3. Thanks for acknowledging you did not date which means you don't know him. Now, I am surprised how he could tick your checkbox if you did not know him. Care to share what you saw?

4. Plans again Saving to furnish the house and a car thereafter

5. Your discipline towards achieving a goal is commendable.

6. A pattern is developing... He agrees a plan with you and at the last minute.... doesn't stick to it.

7. Hmmmm

8. I understand how you fell, however, let's leave out the correlation between loyalty and brokeness.

9. Fantastic

10. I don't understand this part. He was giving you N5k weekly. Are you saying you now collect an increased amount weekly?

Excesslove222,
I appreciate your honesty.

Like you noted, you did not court yourself before you got married else you would have noticed that he doesn't stick to plans with you if they are not inline with his will. This could be because he dosen't want wahala so he says yes and does what he will, he feels you are ITK and wants to show you he is the 'man' or he is fickle and changes his mind at will.

Now, you have to know which of the above applies and work accordingly.

I also want you to know that plans change so be flexible however, the change should be communicated so that everyone owns the change and runs with it.

When next you are making plans, ask your husband what he wants/ what his goals are in a particular matter so you understand what he is looking at.

None of us is perfect, take this weakness of his and work with it.

nwanneni:
bros stop sounding like this I beg you.
What does this even mean?
What plan?
So if you were the one in the guy's shoes would you forget yoyr dreams so you can please your wife and fulfil some things she's got in her head?
Sounds Hypocritical if you ask me because i know you won't do it!

Hmmmmmm

Good one.

AT least, the family is together.

nkwuocha:
Look, I come from a very responsible family setting, forgive me if i find some certain things irritating.


I had to boldly rubbish your "feminism" sentence because i noticed many if you here use that to slut shane women, even when its absolutely not necessary.

A man is FULLY responsible for any PREGNANCY he committed, it DOESN'T matter if his intention was never to have a baby.ANYMAN that sleeos without a woman without protection MUST be ready to accept whatever consequences thereof....

I absolve the lady of any serios blame when i realise that she is not even aware he is a married man.Guy, we know how e be, many men are adulterous.Around me, you see very wealtgy ones sleeping around but cases like this hardly comes by.Its all this one-room lowlives, you see creating more nuisances in the society despite their limited resources.

"Unliterally taking a decision to bring a child?Na she fuk herself?So you want her to abort the child?And what if she dies in the process?Are you aware that even if(God forbid) she dies at childbirth, this guy is also in serious problem?


If we all know tgat nigerian women are desperate why then my guy man go looseguard?Him comot nylon lick sweet now hom dey complain of stomach ache.

Finally, to me the lady is lenient.She just got a foul mouth, thats all.There are some " strong " minded ladies that he wont try this and still standing on his feet.For a lady who stays in Ikorodu, Ijebu ode environs, and the guy still dey waka, She has a good heart.

@bold:

One of which is not fraud.

nkwuocha:
Mamatoppy, Go and register with a trusted hospital.Connive with the doctor and let him bill you for a CS delivery of half a million.Ofcourse you wont be deliver through that. The doctor can also make rooms for "complications" and add to the bill.That should be a start so by the time you present receipts in court, 6 months of his salary is gone for a start first.


Again that guy is married with kids.Go through his friends lists on Facebook, you will likely see the wife, Brother or any relatives.Contact her ASAP.

ANYTHING that will make you feel happy and a bit relief, DO IT!Dont Show REMORSE.He is a stupid man.

Hmmmmmmmmm

Fraud kwa?

[quote author=solofresh post=79430119][/quote]We are saying the same thing.

Even if it was business loyalty for your country Nigeria would have let you bet another match.

It is safe to say you don't wish Nigerian Football Association well.

TSRC:
You never see anything.

During the men world cup when we were playimg argentina, some Nigerians were praying for argentina to win so that messi would not be disgraced.

Weird people.

There is something inherently wrong with Blacks

One needs to be conscious to overcome.

Heard commentator is from S/A

solofresh:
Those France ladies make sense die i swear
Thanks for keeping my ticket safe though

Don't you feel like a betrayer that you are supporting the opponent to win your Team because of peanuts?

That means that while we were on this thread praying and hoping the girls win, you were happy at every chance they passed to score: you were glad when they awarded the 2nd penalty.

Just like wolves in sheep's clothing.

luminouz:
Pele u hear?

Thanks

At least, they didn't score another one so it is clear that they couldn't win unaided.

Modified: Hubby said by hook or by crook, France won the match

France have done it?

Done what?