₦airaland Forum

Estherdqueen:
Good evening all, i had to create this account to seek advice, am Esther, i won't say am a saint but i can beat my chest and say that am a nice person, am honest, am neat, a good cook, am beautiful, abit stubborn though, but yet i always come across the wrong guys, my last relationship lasted for more then 5years, we made plans for our introduction to be this year, only for him to start giving me excuses how his family doesn't want him to marry me, but he was going to try and speak to them, before i knew it one day he called to tell me he was no longer interested bla bla bla, then a month later i heard he was getting married to another woman.
I met another very nice guy who i thought loved me very much, he promised me heaven on earth, even came all the way just to see me, spoke with my mum on fone and all, only for me to see wedding pictures of him and another woman on facebook few days ago,they even have a son together.. Hmmmmmmmm and have been asking myself where exactly i went wrong, am not desperate, i hardly even give a guy listening ears, i dnt sleep around, i dnt smoke nor take alcoholic drinks, i dnt club, i try to be the best i can ever be, am independent and hardworking, yet nothing to show for it.. Please i just need advice, maybe there is something am not doing right, all i want is a man to call my own, that will love me sincerely... Am in tears as i type this.

Where do you meet the men/ in what circumstance do you meet?

Have you asked any of them why they did not choose you?

Omo, there are prophets here o!

pek:
All I can say is that Linda destroyed lives.

True.

chronique:
Linda was busy talking about her kind of man and how he doesn't necessarily need to be a "rich" dude and all of that but low key, she was getting drilled by a big shot who probably already has a family somewhere else, and ladies were taking "advice" from her. Last last, this race na all man for himself/herself. Ladies, take note!

Eni ti o mo bi egbe e se la, a sara asaku!

Someone who doesn't know how his mates made it will chase shadows.

uzobaby:
Linda has every right to spill or not to spill about her private life....let's assume she's indeed wombless or did surrogacy, Kemi as a woman and a mother should not be the first person to tell the world...it may true or not. .but the act of womb shaming and pregnancy shaming is what I detest...if you don't know what it means to be shamed over conception/child please don't talk...Kemis can rant surrogacy,moonbump,fake pregnancy will not erase the fact that baby J is Linda's. ..

A private citizen, yes.

However, Linda built her wealth on running other people's lives and not minding her business.

She also compounded the issue by lying if true.

Like they say, those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.

Husband always.

Sorry Madam K.

You probably stepped on the wrong toes and the people who issued you oluwole spilled to rein you in.

Goodluck in next position (if any).

By the way, we are still looking for Oga Buhari's WAEC certificate.

Janelle08:
Please I need mature and reasonable advice from married couples on an issue that is seriously bothering me.


My husband and I got married barely a year ago. We haven't had any child yet. Hubby's younger sister had a child out of wedlock.

When we newly married, the family was trying to keep the secret from me including hubby. (For reasons best known to them) Though I managed to find out.

About a month ago, hubby sat me down and told me the story of how his sister got unwanted pregnancy (In my mind, I was glad for that moment that finally, he has considered me a part of the family.) But then, the happiness faded almost immediately when I realized that he was only telling me because he want to take in the little boy.

The family have decided to send their daughter far away from her boyfriend. They also want to take the little boy away so that the father doesn't have access to him.

Now, hubby want to bring in the little boy to our home and raise him like our child. According to him, the child must not know that we are not his parents.

This doesn't sit right with me. As much as I try to ignore the problems this might bring in my marriage and in future, I just couldn't accept it.

This is Africa, where every woman will like her son to get the birth right as the first son. How can I give that away? If it was to be my husband's illegitimate child, I would understand. But the situation is different.


Hubby brought the topic up again two nights ago, and we had a heated argument.

When the heat died down, we had discussions, I made him realized that I will not get in the way of him helping his family (Even if he wants to sponsor the child's education from childhood to adulthood) But I just can't accept him adopting the child.

I really need objective opinion and advice on how to handle the situation.

There are blinking red flags here. It is either:

1. Your husband is impotent and wants this child stuff to distract you;

2. The child is his and the mother is random;

3. The child is his and he pregnated his sister (God forbid);

4. Your husband knows you can't have kids.

If the discussion was just for him to live with you permanently, then the case is different.

To totally annihilate his history by you guys adopting him, it sounds fishy.

I do not know if you guys have been married for up to 28 months (2yrs and 4mths) because that is the only logical way to convince people who did not see you get married pregnant or with a kid in tow that you actually own that child. I think after adoption, the next move would be for him to convince you both to leave the area and start life afresh in another state/abroad.

If it were just to deceive potential suitors that the younger sister never had a child, the elder sister is actually the best bet.

Not to sound cliché like, you need prayers to know what is going on and the steps you need to take.

Peter's expression is priceless. Same with the interview.

God bless their home.

YoungDaNaval:
See them. home breakers

How is she a home breaker?

Jerrick:
If this is true. The girl must be very stupid! What do you want again after he’s given you your money? Why would you want to ruin his marriage??

Mr. Ibu was the one who chose to destroy his marriage if true.

The girl is senseless sha.

So tomorrow, someone wants to do business with you and searches you facebook profile. Then they see the type of girl you are.

Acidosis:
Your in-laws should be ready to accept whatever discipline, food, clothe, and anything you so decide to do with the child. There is no right or wrong approach. When a child comes to live with you, the parents automatically lose the right to dictate what to do with the child in your home. If they're not satisfied with the way you and your hubby run your home, just leave the door open for them to walk away.

Hahahahahaha

Lack of experience always shine through.

Funny how I can't pick much married man on this thread.

TonyeBarcanista:
You don't know them and you should ask questions next time.

Her husband is the BOSS of their home, being a boss doesn't mean he won't "consult" or seek opinion of the wife (OPINION) especially when he finds her sensible but he makes the decision.

As a man, his home is also open to his family, they can show up at any time without his permission (quote me) and he can show up at any time in their own houses without their permission. All he had to do is to notify them of his coming ditto them.

My Sister (his wife) can show up at the houses of any of her in-laws and stay as long as she wishes if her husband permit and if necessary, all she has to do is to notify/inform them and that's it. If I want to visit my sister's house, I don't even call her husband! I only tell my sister, she informs her husband and (unconsciously seek/get permission- which she always get), and I go there and stay as long as I desire if I wish and if necessary. That is family!

The kids are so free with each other that you won't even know which kid is for which parent.

My Dear, I don't know the kind of family you have or your mentality but I just showed you a picture of my own family. In my family we have each others back. We are one! My wife is not starting a new family with me, she is integrating into mine while I accept hers as mine.

OP and her comrades should stop exhibiting witchcraft towards in-laws

Are you a Christian?

Clarathomp:
Dear Acidosis,

You judge us (women) too harshly. I think our life experiences tend to shape our thoughts, feelings and default reactions to things. For example I grew up in a family where my father's people (i.e. my mother's in-laws) were hardly ever helpful around the house. They were only good at taking, taking and taking never giving back anything good in return. They would visit empty handed and still look for what they could take away while some of their children were already living with us and being catered for by my dad. Both their parents being alive in our case too.

My mom's people on the other hand were the sweetest, they weren't so well to do but they would visit with the little they could afford like a bag of garri, oranges or whatever food stuff was in season at that time in the village. In addition to that, they would help around the house with chores and generally be so awesome that when it was time for them to leave, we felt bad.

Please stay with me because I'm going somewhere with this. My father's people were the sort of guests you wished wouldn't visit because of their selfish & entitled attitude. They were the sort of guests you tolerated and were eager for them to leave whereas my mother's people were the sort of guests you celebrated and didn't want to see them go anytime soon.

Growing up, I have seen my own family life & history, repeat itself and play out in most families/homes. One thing has become clear to me. A man's family/people tend to have little or no regard for his wife and his household even though they keep claiming brotherhood with him. A man's people also come in with this mentality & attitude, that this is my brother's house so the tendency to behave poorly triples.

A woman's family/people on the other hand, are mindful of the fact that even though this is my sister's house I need to be respectful of her spouse & household and they conduct themselves appropriately in a way and manner that a man's family wouldn't do. There are rare exceptions though where a woman's family/people can be the troublesome in-laws......but from personal experience the issues often come from a man's people.

Based on my own personal experience as a child and young adult (whilst growing up in my parents house) I mentally cringe and hesitate at the thought of having my man's people live with us in marriage. Mind you, I am still single and not even in a serious dating relationship, but the thought of that happening mentally stresses me out because of my childhood experience with my father's folks. Those people were like ticks (that insect that feeds on a dog, sucks the blood out of it and then falls off when it is full) This is a statement of fact and not a case of me bad mouthing my father's people. My mother didn't even try to pollute my mind against them, they did that all by themselves through their deeds.

That is why I began by saying you've judged us too harshly and people's life experiences tend to shape and inform their thought processes. Having a man's relatives live with his family, hardly ever goes well and I still don't understand why you men like to insist on this, even when some of you grew up in the sort of scenario I described above and know the cons of such an arrangement.

Hahahahahaha,

I like your jelenke post.

Welcome to Nigeria.... They know what's up yet will suddenly become ignorant of the consequences of their actions.

Acidosis:
It's so funny how we judge people before we even get to know/meet them.

According to you, you and your hubby are still getting to know each other, so how come you've already known a far away in-law, a young and innocent kid you haven't even met and the possible outcome of your hubby's request?

This is one of the things I so much dislike about marriages. Most women these days just go into marriage with an already-made mindset about in-laws. These stereotypical mindset is passed down from their grandmom to their moms and now to them. There is no greater form of witchcraft than this nonsensical mindset.

Which begs the question....

Where the mothers not right?

As much as we want to blame the OP, most husband's family constitute themselves as a pain in the neck to the wives.

An 11yr old is still a child that should be disciplined. Let's not pretend that OP might walk on egg shells to accommodate the lass and overlook some things.

babythug:
1. She's young and won't suit your purpose in terms of helping with baby and house chores especially if shes going to attend school too.

2.Your instincts are likely to be right about taking her in.

3. Don't let your husband pressure you into what you're not comfortable doing .

1. True

2. Hmmmmm

3. False. Expect the husband is asking her to do something wrong or harmful to herself, there is nothing wrong in the husband pressuring her to do something to his advantage.

We pressure loved ones all the time

Acidosis:
A wife don't have to agree for a man to do whatever he wants for his blood (brothers, sisters, dad and mom), wherever and whenever he wants. She's going to get a prior notice, room for deliberations, but the final decision rests in his hands. That's a basic and a final principle.

It is the responsibility of the woman to prove her points well enough to convince the man.. are you gonna tell him his people are wicked and out there to haunt him down? Would the flimsy excuses on this thread pass the test?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Let me go to the OP.

revontuli:
I ended up here when I was searching something on Google, can't remember what it was, but I started reading the threads like an addict, it is amazing how you guys keep a forum where people from different ethnicities and religions co-exist without a bloodbath and how it's so unlike the horribly polarized facebook groups and platforms. We can't even have a book club without political fights and drama ruining everything. There is sometimes drama here too but it never gets out of control. You guys have hell of a lot more tolerance and positive attitude than anything I've seen on any western social media and forums.

And the stories. There are so many interesting stories and fascinating cultures.

Hmm interesting.

Thanks for the compliments and your e-persona is very likeable.

Lovely thread.

Did you learn anything about their culture? Male-female interactions?

Movies depict Romans as wanton people however, when I read some sites about the lives of their ancient women, it seems quite the opposite as they were portrayed as very restricted and quality of life heavily dependent on their fathers'/husbands' blessings and goodwill.

InvertedHammer:
/
There are always exceptions to the rule my dear.

That doesn't negate the rule.

Life is a journey...nothing is sacrosanct.

/

The exceptions are fast becoming the rule.

Since you know nothing is sacrocant, then putting an age range is myopic. (and I am speaking to myself too)

I had a friend who was ready at 25, actually met earlier and processing marriage when her guy's family said he couldn't marry someone from her state.

She married at 35 while pregnant.

I would still advocate early marriage sha.

All these men mentioning 21 - 25yrs, I hope they are young too.

I am an avid supporter of early marriage however, nothing irks me like an old man looking for a baby girl.

InvertedHammer:
/
Above 21 and below 30.

Above 30? Just become a feminist.

/

You don't live in the real world, do you?

There is a difference between a woman should be ideally married by 30 and a woman not married by 30 should forget it.

More people are having their first marriages later.

lielbree:
You want a financially stable woman who is 25?

Were u as a man financially stable at 25??

What is the definition of 'financially stable'?

zinnyzee:
When i was a kid, i wanted to get married at 25.


Now i'm older, i'm not even sure if i want to get married at all.

Marriage is a scam, just like everyother thing.

Why?

Sagamite:
Have you heard of the 7 year itch?

Hahahahahahaha!

7 year itch?

Haven't heard of it.

Care to share?

Mr. President,

I hope you have iron clad plans for population growth. In fact, can you convince us that the current population is well catered for and the resources available sufficient to sustain your population with excess for the proposed additional growth?

Do you have mother friendly policies for working mothers?

Do you have affordable daycares?

If you want the mothers to say at home, what structure do you have in place to ensure that their husbands are well paid to cater for the home?

What measures do you have in place to ensure that the husbands do not maltreat their wives as they will be financially dependent on them?

Is your educational system, healthcare, housing, feeding etc. equipped to cater for the current population and proposed addition?

Oga, no bi by mouth to scream more population.

You put your money where your mouth is.

Bollinger:
How to prepare Fried Rice;

1. Get a decent sized strip of cow liver and fry it well in vegetable oil. Without this, don't even bother trying to cook fried rice.

2. Prepare and set aside your mixed vegetables, onions, curry, thyme, chicken, shrimp and one habanero.

3. Remove the cow liver when done and dice into small chin chin sized bits then pour your vegetable mix, onions, shrimp, diced habanero into oil used to fry your cow liver. Use maggie or knorr.

4. Pour the diced liver back into vegetable mix. We should be seeing a semi dark consistency by now.

5. Cook your chicken in ample water adding curry and thyme.

6. Wash your rice very well and parboil it for like 5 minutes.

7. Drain the rice after 5 minutes and pour your chicken stock into the pot of rice. We are using the stock to finish cooking the rice. Ensure the level of chicken stock is slightly above the height of the rice. We do not want to overcook it. No one likes soggy fried rice.

8. When almost done remove from stove top and set aside. Drain any water left if any from the almost well done rice.

9. Pour some of the fried rice sauce in a bowl and add a batch of the rice into the left over sauce in the frying pan. All we do now is start frying in batches till we got no more rice to fry.

10. Enjoy.

I have screenshot for trying.

Weldone.

orisa37:
Sons 1 & 2 carry the Blood & Genes of Husband 1.
No woman no sin.
The woman in this case just commited Incest. And she is Selfish, Cunny, Indisciplined and Corrupt.
Husband1 was dead before this incident, so he has no case to answer before God on this issue.
Husband2 is in normal Relationship with Wife1, the only woman in this episode. He, too, has no case to answer either before man or God on this issue. He should simply restructure his household as "The Adopted Father" of Son2. Chekena!
God has His Way of settling the Misadventures of Son1. And remember that even in the Court of God, ignorance of the laws of God is no excuse. Joseph was about age of Son1 when he refused the offer to bleep Pontipher...

Husband 2 does not have fault ke? He knew he was impotent.

Mother in law, wife, husband and son are all guilty.

It is really a mess.

Timbuktuo:
That's William.

I should be asking you that question. Did I mention either in my comment?

I believe their men also curtsy to the royal family.

@Bold:

Question wasn't to you rather the OP.

Anyways, how are you? longest time.

Timbuktuo:
A prince of the English royal family, as custom and courtesy demand.

Thanks, looked by President Macron to me.

What does this have to do with wives and feminism?

Who is she greeting?

awelekiti:
Hello. First of all, I blame your husband for not being able to counterbalance the relationship existing between him and yourself and that of his mum though I'm still coming back to you, woman. I also experienced same in my early days in marriage when my mum came visiting. My mum didn't even do one-quarter of what your mother inlaw did to you when my Wife began to complain. I had to calm my mum down and also told my wife to take it easy and try to study her and her character especially when it comes to preparing her meal and serving her the time she needed one, my mum loves dry fish with vegetable soup alot but my wife would always complain that she's tired of preparing her soup separately as it's stressful. On one occasion had my mum wanted to leave for Ekiti without giving us any notice the previous night . She had packed all her things without us knowing. In short, I had to play a husband with 2 wives' role in the house on several occasions otherwise, things would have gone out of control. One thing that amazes me is that no matter how old or mature our mothers could be, they still behave like babies and always see their daughter inlaws as rivals hehehe. If you leab to your wife more than you do to your mum whenever she visits, she'd complain and vice versa.

Now to you woman, you shouldn't allow your career to encroach on your marriage. Career women always find it difficult to cope with marriage. Career is an institution on its own, just like marriage is and they're both different. Many wives had resigned their appointments from their well-paying jobs in order to keep their homes, which is more important. My wife and I would go to work early momo, leaving our little girl and first born under the care of a nanny. By the time we got home, our daughter had slept off probably on empty stomach because she wouldn't eat anything until she sees us. If mama was also around, her meal would have got cold inside the cooler by the time we're home. I sat my Wife down one day and pleaded with her to resign. She was a manager in the company at such a young age while I was also on a well-paying job. After a while, she accepted and resigned. I told her I'd share my salary with her and she agreed. Now, she's a businesswoman of repute cos I compensated her well. I later resigned from my job to set up my business over a decade ago. The rest is now history and I bless God . We never took a maid. She was always there for my children whilst she was out of her employment I want you to consider this Madam. Your age too is of a great concern because after you've made all the money, I'm sure you wouldn't be glad to donate them to charity. You need to have children who will be your Joy at old age. Be that as it may, I have noticed one thing in everywoman. 99.9% of women don't like seeing their mother inlaws. If they ask their men when meeting for the first time about their mums, it's not that they like them so much but they just want to know if their mothers are still alive or not. They don't want their mother inlaws alive. There's something called the law of karma which is very stubborn. No matter how religious or fervent or nice you are, the law would definitely come for you at the nick of time. The way you treat your mother inlaw is the same way you'd be treated in your time. This law keeps raging because that's the way women have been from time immemorial. Be at peace with your mum inlaw and reconsider your stand on childbearing. Good luck to you

See maturity.

While I might not agree with some things, I admire the way you stated your points.

Pachesky:
Made up story as usual..but for the sake of commenting, some women need to understand that for most men their first love is their mother. You have no idea what she must have gone through for them over the years. The sacrifices, that listening ear when we fathers are not available for some reason, constant encouragement the list goes on.
Point is you cant just come in and act like spartacus with the "Kill them all" mindset.. remember she loves her son and has his best interest at heart so she will be overprotective at the initial stage. Prove to her that you also have his as well and watch her back off over time as she knows a better caretaker has emerged.
Final note, best strategy for young women in marriage is to win over your mans mother( some mamas strong ghan!!! )not only will he love you the more but also you have a new ally when the going gets tough..She will fight your battles for you will you the lady will hold your peace..

If a man is not willing to set the boundaries and understand that his wife is now number one, then he shouldn't bother getting married.

A widower is less damaged goods than a divorcee except you are extremely lucky to be a first hand witness.

A new wife should ask the ex what's up and take it from there.

In the mean time, she should get off the pills; she is 38!