₦airaland Forum

We women are far too focused on what is “right” and what is “fair“.
That’s because we’re naturally multi-taskers, and we have a million things in our minds at one time. If our husbands meet one of our needs, we’ll simply think of 99 others that are unmet, because all of it is sloshing around in our brains, all the time. We’re asking ourselves, how much did he care for the kids today? How much housework did he do? Did he let me talk? Did he care? And if the answer is no in any of these areas, we tend to hold it as our right to pull back from him until he improves.

We don’t tend to feel all lovey dovey towards him when he does something right. We don’t feel ten feet tall when he does the dishes or takes care of the kids. We simply think, “that’s what he should have been doing anyway”–and then we focus on all the other things we still need.

So the adage, “meet your spouse’s needs, and they’ll meet yours” has much more of a chance of working for women than it does for men.

Because men can focus on one thing at a time, then when you show appreciation, he feels appreciated. Because women are multi-taskers, we’re not as straightforward, and it’s harder for us to feel all lovey dovey.

When it comes to husbands, then, if you put yourself out and really show him appreciation and make love, he will, more than likely, become a different person over time. On the other hand, if he does the same thing, there is no guarantee that you will change, because we don’t work the same way. What he needs is the affirmation that he receives through sex, and so many of us are so focused on being exhausted and not having time that we don’t think that maybe, just maybe, we should consider his needs for a second. In our way of thinking, our husbands often impede on our ability to enjoy our life, what with all their demands, and frankly, they’re far too much like animals, anyway.

And then women wonder why, fifteen years into marriage, their husband seems so distant and so insensitive.

Now, I understand that “just have sex” won’t work in all situations–in fact I have a post where I write about 3 cases where “just have sex” is exactly the WRONG thing to do. But in most marriages, it really will change the dynamic and put you on the road to feeling much closer and much happier with your husband.

Does that mean that it’s women’s fault if men don’t care about our feelings? If they don’t help with the kids? No, it’s not, because men are morally obligated to do these things anyway, whether or not we return the favour. But here’s the thing: just because you can’t be morally blamed for it does not mean that you could not have taken steps to make your marriage better.

We honestly have an easier deal with marriage than men do because men are so relatively simple (and I don’t mean this in a derogatory way; we’re just made differently). Give them appreciation and make love, and they will tend to feel tenderly towards us. We, on the other hand, are far more complex, and we’re not easy to figure out. Men actually have it harder.

I know this isn’t popular to say. I know a lot of you are mad at me right now, and thinking what an idiot your husband is, and how I’m blaming you for not having sex with an idiot. I don’t walk in your shoes, and it could be that your husband really is that horrible.

But then, if you don’t mind me asking, why did you marry him?

When you were dating, he probably was nice to you, and that was probably because he did feel ten feet tall. You appreciated him. You affirmed him. You “made out” with him and seemed so hot for him! Then you got married and he didn’t feel like he had to woo you, but you also stopped with your affection, too. The difference is that you justify your behaviour; he often doesn’t notice his. And as the months and years pass, your relationship takes on a different dynamic. Maybe the problem is not your husband, but the dynamic of your relationship.

You saw something nice in your husband once. I believe those attractive qualities can come out again.

So, please, ladies, even if you don’t believe what I’m saying, can I ask you to suspend your disbelief and try an experiment?
Instead of thinking about how your husband wants sex too much, commit for six weeks (it has to be a long enough period of time) to do the following things:

1. Thank your husband once a day for something (try to make it something different each time)
2. Compliment your husband to your mother, your children, your friends, whoever, within earshot of your husband, every chance you get.
3. Do not nag.
4. Do not give the silent treatment.
5. Make love with relative frequency (say at least 2-3 times a week).

At the end of six weeks, see if you feel differently towards your husband, and if he is acting differently towards you. I bet you will! Just the act of being nice to him will make you start thinking more nicely about him.

And as you make love more frequently, you will feel closer to him and you’ll feel more goodwill, too. Maybe that’s hard for you because you honestly don’t enjoy sex. If that’s the case, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has great info in a fun way that can help you turn it around! If you don’t like sex, it’s really worth trying to tackle the problem, because it will help your marriage so much!

I know you may not believe me, but so many marriages would be saved if we women would just learn how to love our men.

Will you try?

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/09/why-your-husband-wont-meet-your-needs/

WARNING: this post may tick you off.

But please read! Here goes:

About a year or so ago my husband and I were just overwhelmed with busy-ness. I was speaking a lot, and he was working a lot, and we weren’t connecting. Two nights in a row we didn’t make love because I was preoccupied. Then I was away speaking. When I came home it was the middle of the night so we didn’t, either. The next night I was still tired, but neither of us slept well because both of us were feeling that something was wrong in our relationship. The next night we did make love.

And then he bought me flowers.

Sex flowers.

I got mad. I interpreted it like this:

“My husband wants sex too much, so he’ll reward me when we make love, and punish me when we don’t. He’ll be distant when we don’t make love deliberately so that I will start putting out.”

And I got really frustrated.

And then it hit me: maybe the reason Keith bought me flowers was simply because he felt closer to me and lovey towards me. I thought what was going through his brain was this:

“I need to manipulate my wife into doing what I want.”

What was really going through his head was this:

“I love my wife. I think I’ll buy her flowers.”

You see, my friends, men are usually quite simple.

In general, men need two things: to feel appreciated and to feel wanted.
Usually we say men need “respect”, but I think respect can be more easily defined as both affirmation and appreciation. When we affirm what they do and show them appreciation, they feel ten feet tall. When we make love to them, we affirm their manhood and they feel loved. And when they feel loved, they tend to feel less antsy, more compassionate, and more eager to keep pleasing us because they feel like the relationship is something they do well. (Now, I know some of you are married to men who don’t WANT to make love, and that’s a different problem. If you’re facing that one, I’d recommend reading this series that I wrote on what to do if your husband doesn’t want sex).

Why your husband won't meet your needs: an honest look at marriage dynamics--that may make you uncomfortable.

Men tend to want to put in effort in areas they feel they are good at.
That’s why if a man feels he’s lousy at marriage he’ll start working more, or playing on the computer more. He retreats to areas of competence. Make your man feel incompetent and irrelevant, and he’ll retreat. It’s as simple as that.

Now, of course, some men are louts, and it doesn’t matter how much we try to please them, they’re going to retreat and be insensitive. Absolutely. But I think the number of honest to goodness natural louts is far fewer than the number of men who currently ACT like louts. I think many men act like louts because that is how they have been treated.

Too many of us have virtually no respect for what a husband really needs, but we have unlimited respect for our own needs. And we’re not only hurting our husbands–we’re hurting ourselves.

Let me talk about a couple I know who has been married for 35 years now. I watch them every now and then, and while I know they’re not splitting up, I don’t see a lot of tenderness. She snipes at him and criticizes him every chance she gets, and he bristles and walks out of the room. Every now and then he retaliates, but not often. She isn’t showing him that she appreciates him; she’s showing him that she doesn’t think he’s good enough. He’s always wrong. And it’s no wonder that he doesn’t act tenderly towards her!

If you take that same couple at year one of their marriage instead of at year thirty-five, though, and his wife started thanking him for his contribution, and asking about his day, and making love to him with relative frequency, and respecting his opinion, I bet at thirty-five years they’d be a lot more affectionate and a lot more tender.

Men really aren’t complicated.
Do those two things: appreciate him and make love frequently, and you’ll likely find that he starts being nicer to the kids. He helps with the dishes. He phones if he’s going to be late. He feels competent and appreciated, and he wants to keep excelling in the family sphere because it’s something he does well. Make him feel like he’s not doing it well, and he will start to wither.

Why can’t we just give to our men this way? Because we don’t work that way. Remember the book “Sex Begins in the Kitchen” by Kevin Leman? I know it was written by a man, because only a man would think the sexual relationship was that straightforward. He’s thinking the way men do, and then reversing the equation. When a man gets his primary needs met, he tends to reach out and start meeting a woman’s needs. So Leman assumes that women act the same way: when we get our need for affection met, and when he starts helping around the house and caring about us, we’ll start to make love more.

It’s not true.

I’ve known many men who are saints at home and their wives aren’t helping at all, because we tend to question men’s motivations. We think either that they’re trying to manipulate us, or we come up with other things they’re doing wrong. Or, perhaps even more likely, we think to ourselves: “I’m glad he cares about me, because I work really hard. I need to take a break now so he can carry more of the load”, and we don’t think of returning the favour much at all.

Prognose:
Just wanted to know If you'd had firsthand experience.

Doesnt invalidate your post.

@Bold: Post clearly mine opinion on resolution of her issue; can't be invalidated.

@question: yes to marriage and yes to most suggestions especially a mindset of pleasing him and having review sessions.

These things can fast become a part to you. The work is not doing them; the work is getting your partner to respond to them. Fortunately/Unfortunately, nobody can change another person.

Kudos

Prognose:
Are u married?

Why

Prognose:
Hey not bad.

Sounds like a lot of work though.

In practice it's not.

cococandy:
The only sensible post on this thread


Edited. Okay there were more mature posts after yours

I nor dey there o!

OP is silent. Hope this is not a stunt thread sha.

How are you & family?

Peterdreddblog:
You'll surely have A1 in women studies

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha

I am a woman with a good knowledge of her body.

jaksmillioniar:
amarabae fadiga24 madgoat bukatyne dyt kanwuliaExtra livingfree joy1706 fluxbush safarigirl lovelygurl hibiscus76 ifakiland frankraj henitan24

Okay.....
Care to share your wish since you mentioned me?

Admin401:
I mean in General. You can see curves in flowers, super-cars, buildings, etc and they are just appealing to the human brain.

The brain can't ignore beauty and curves represent beauty, elegance, class etc.

Guitarlife:
OP please how old are you ?
And do you have a mother ? Have you discussed this with her and what did she say ?

Personally I feel sorry for your husband. Our mothers went through hell to keep their homes. Some even endured domestic violence and you want to walk out of a marriage because you are suffering from a mood swing ?

May this kind of woman never cross my path lord ......

I agree with you that we need to be committed to our marriages however our mothers' examples should have shown you that staying in a sick marriage breeds sick children who are unfit for marriage.

So our mothers lost both ways; miserable in their marriages and watching their kids enter miserable marriages.

dotcomnamename:
And bringing your family privacy on social media will make you happy rather than discussing it with him? Smh

Do you know her? Do you know her husband?

Is it not easier to tell strangers that she doesn't desire her husband sexually and get good advices than tell the husband?

sweetmelanin:
I see my husband more like a brother than a lover. We laugh, crack jokes and hold similar world views. BUT theres no sexual chemistry. I find it difficult to get aroused by him. There is a deep sense of unfulfillment and unhappiness.
I wonder how long I can cope with a marriage without passion.

First starters, the issue is NOT unhappiness.

From your accouny, you laugh, crack jokes and hold similar worldviews.

You have much more than many couples can boast of.

Now the issue is 'lack' of sexual chemistry.

According to Rollo Tomassi, ' you cannot negotiate desire'. ...

You either desire him or you don't.

However, today is Sunday and miracles happen (Double luck) so let's go....

In your heart of hearts, what kind of man tickles your fancy? What kind of man turns you on? Think deep and hard. Doesn't matter if it is politically correct or not.

Next, ask your husband the kind of woman he likes/turns him on/ fancies. You already have the rapport so it shouldn't be hard. And if he says ' I love when ladies wear skater skirt', don't go 'agrrrrhh I love straight skirt and think skaters are babyish/indecent/ old school' etc. Hear him out.

Now, gently change what you can to be his eye candy. Your aim is to change to the woman that wakes up the sexual man in him. When you do that and he starts responding to your changes, react to the response.

Also don't tell him 'I am changing this straight skirts to skater because you said so'. Change in a way that is subtle and brings out the unconscious response in him.

Also subtly change him. So if beard gang makes you melt and he is clean shaven, you can turn him towards growing a beard and buy beard oils et al to encourage him when he starts growing it.

Develop a mindset of pleasing him. When you wear your undies, think of how you want him to stand at attention and get a matching pair. When you are creaming, think of how you want your body to be smooth for him and carry on. When you are giving him BJ or kissing, admire the work of your hands when he is reacting in pleasure and soon you will be the one jumping on him.

Also have seperate interests e.g. if he does something for recreation, don't join him. Dress like his girl and watch your man display for you. If he wants to fix some things in the house, don't join him. You can follow him round and just admire what he does.

All these will make you see him outside the friendship and see him as a man.

You both have something great. Work on the passion part and you will have a fantastic marriage.

Good luck.

cococandy:
“He lies beside me like a log of wood every night while I burn”

That will do it.

See lyrics.

seunayantokun:
One of them is a liar

I think the husband is lying.

If he is truly potent, he will chase the wife away and look for another one immediately or request a DNA test.

He knows he is impotent and when the wife came with positive pregnancy test, the hatred and violence started.

He is also wicked because I don't think he planned to tell her.

Wifey has confessed to adultery, passing off another man's kids and 'challenging' him to take charge financial as the head.

cococandy:
Exactly

As in

Infact, he must be trolling.

His wife agreed to fattening house against their joint decision?

So when his mother said 'Oya let's pump you', wifey would say, no o, my husband and I have agreed not to fatten me up. When said husband is there saying nothing.

crackhaus:
Lol, take a compliment.

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha

Oya, thanks.

Imagine if the man did a DNA test before the hospital contacted them?

During DNA testing, they should also do maternity tests so a case of swapped babies isn't treated as infidelity.

Ishilove:
Then tell your mum you paid for it and stop being a pussy. Why are you allowing your innocent wife take the blame? You encouraged her and probably even made her get it, and now your mum thinks your wife is a harlot but you are too cowardly to own up to your own part.

You pussy!!

Please another brain resetting slap on me.

DankemzI:
How do I convince my mom that my wife is not a slut?
Okay wifey just put to bed and lucky enough paternal grandma is on leave so she had to come help out..!
Normally I don't like the fattening process nursing mothers are subjected to' this is practise mainly in Akwa-Cross'
My mom convinced my wife to succumb to the fattening process...
Now my wife has some tattoos down below, I like it that way, I paid for it,.. My mom saw it and JUMPED into CONCLUSION that I married Ashawo!
How do I erase this negative view of my Darling wife?
Help

Help me understand.:

Your wife has tattoos you paid for yet you cannot tell your own mother that you paid for them?

Oya send me your mother's number and wife's name with details if the tattoo so I call her.

Na wa!

If you cannot stand up for your wife on something you 'authorised' and paid for? I wonder what will happen when your mother raises a point on something you are not in agreement with.

And it is NOT your mother's place to label your wife. If you were fine with the 'prostitute', married her and had babies with her, your mom is a little too late labeling her.

Again, you don't like fattening process yet you let your mother persuade your wife to do so?

Tomorrow you will tell us 'you don't like polygamy, your mother just brought a second wife to your bed'!

It seems you haven't weaned yourself from your mother.

Kashif:
"I was hungry, and you ignored me. All of you were avoiding me. The other person chased me with a stick. Many are coming to Adoration ground for pregnancy. I begged them for money; they have change in their hands, they looked at me and walked away. But they want something from God.

Many were beating me. My Stewards chased me far away. Intercessors were scared to pray for me. Just one person agreed to touch and pray for me. One person who didn't know it was me fed me with a spoon. She thought I was a mad man, but was not scared I may harm her. She fed me herself with a spoon.

Only five people helped. Amongst the Stewards, only 'Abuja' brought out money and gave me. All the people I allowed to be selling at the gate chased me away. Only one groundnut seller gave me a little. I went to where they are selling buns there, they rejected and chased me away.

I have told you that this week, if you see someone that needs help, do help," etc etc...

Transcription of what the priest said. His congregation should bow their heads in shame!
4

Woaw! So sad.

The congregation should be in tears not rejoicing when he unveiled himself.

It is interesting to note that almost 100% of the time, it is 'unkonwn' church member that passes the tests.

hisgrace090:
Let's love leads, according to Tb Joshua.

When you do, love will blind you.

When it get you blinded, both of you will stop seeing fault.

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha

Funny however true if both of you are blind together. If it is only one blind person; 'wahala dey' in p-square's voice.

crackhaus:
What's the difference between the two?

One is constantly repeating the cycle of marriage & divorce, enjoying the benefits of marriage as long as he is in it. He probably has kids (who may/may not like him) of his own.

The eternal bachelor is alone and except he is pursuing a cause e.g. Rev. Fathers, Monks etc. he can't cope single as he needs to propagate his seed and leave a successor. If he is a baby daddy, then he is off the plate.

Trump is a serial monogamist.

I can't think of an eternal bachelor.

Even owner/creator of Playboy with all his 'knowledge of the vileness of women' was a serial monogamist.

I interestingly can't think of any big shot who was an eternal bachelor; they opt for serial monogamy or polygamy.

crackhaus:
You've certainly become more of a rational thinker, I've been noticing.

As per the topic, I've always seen it this way - let single moms search for/marry single dads and vice versa, that's the only fair combination to me... anything less, then the one who already has a kid(s) from a previous marriage/relationship is being selfish even if they don't care to admit it.

That said, it still comes down to choice.
Some people just know how to fall in love carelessly, most just don't know any better.

I have always been rational, you are just looking beyond the bias of 'feminist' to see it.

I agree with your combo too. Let people with kids look for people with kids or divorced /widowed people. People with one kid can be seperated sha.

Again, like you said, it is all choice and people have been led to marry others with families.

Iamgrey5:
Apparently that is their new street name.

The capital G is often used by Abrahamic religions i.e Christians/Muslims to describe an ominiscience God

The Abrahamic religions are the most practiced within the hypocritical Nigeria society.

Hence, even the sex workers are not left out of the hypocrisy.

Thank God for information.

So that one day in thanking God, I don't hash tag #smallgirlwithabiggod.

@hypocrisy: hmmmmmm

Iamgrey5:
I believe you are experiencing one of three things or an hybrid of the three things

1) You are being influenced by your environment i.e current location, friends

2)You are truly not in love with your partner

3) You are not ready to settle for one person



if it is the environment
To resist the urge, you can either
1) change environment or focus on other things

if it is love/trust issues
2) Quit your current serious relationship, if you aren't married or in really advance stage of the relationship.

if you are married, I will suggest you spend more time with your wife.

Encourage her as much as possible to dress or look like the type of women you find attractive, I mean the type you cannot resist the urge to cheat with.

You might even encourage her to dress like a runzgirl(or Small girl with Big God as they are now called) during pre-intimacy to fulfill your sexual fantasies, assuming your fantasies revolves around those type of ladies.

Fulfilling sexual fantasies is one of major causes of cheating in modern relationships and it is often taken for granted within the Nigerian society


In the end though, self discipline is the major component, but you can always find a way of fulfilling your sexual fantasies with your spouse.

So small girl with big God means runzgirl?

Woaw!

Thought it was the literal meaning as in devoted Christian/Muslim.

Thanks.

Why is the god with capital 'G' though?

davodyguy:
There have always been serious issues between myself and my wife over families.

We have a policy in my family, which is to always respect privacy. We visit only when necessary and call/Text most times. My wife and her family on the other hand, they love to visit and like to even stay overnight. Because of my almost zero tolerance for this, we always have issues and she thinks I hate her people.

Last December, I had to ship her out to UAE for Christmas, when I heard she planned having her siblings come in from 24th December, till 2nd January, 2018.

Its always a battle, which she doesn't want to understand, that relatives she not pass their boundaries, since we too are a couple with kids and need to face our lives.

Sometimes, they just pump in without notifying me the head of the house. As usual, I get reactive, but as the Yoruba's would say, its 'Îsó léñû. But its the duty of our wives to always understand what husbands want as the head after God. The parents of the wife have done the handing over and the man is now in charge

Boundaries just need to be set in every family.

Brother, I agree it is your family.

However, did you try to understand the dynamics of their family before marriage?

Do you know if that's how your wife visited her elder sisters and her younger ones looking forward to come visit her too?

Do you know if they have solidly supported her in the past and now look to her for support?

Before you married her, she did not fall from heaven and has roots which made her desirable in the first place.

You both can reach comprises on this issue. E.g. her family wanted to come 24th Dec - 2nd Jan; if the duration is too long for you, suggest maybe 24th - 26th Dec because you and your baby want to watch fireworks in Dubai.

You have cut their stay short and given an impression that you take good care of your wife.

It is even the wife that will hurry them up on 26th

She is happy, you are happy, they are happy.

Tomorrow, she would bend backwards for something important to you but holds no meaning for her.

milemimi93:
What's not true?

That men only allow the kids go with their mother when they are not theirs.

onyekabe:
There is this my brother, he has never been married. But now he said he has seen a woman he wants to marry.

But the problem is that his family members are not in support of the marriage because the woman is a divorcee with 3 kids under the age of 10. The kids live with the woman.

The question is, is it wise for this man to marry this woman and take responsibility of the kids because the woman says her kids must be with her.

To marry a divorcee, you must know their story. It is not enough to say her husband was abusive. What was/is the proof? You do not want to be number two for a serial monogamist.

What striking character does she possess that makes him leave all the single ladies to marry a divorcee with three kids?

Is he financially capable to care for them? How would he feel if later, the kids refuse to accept correction from him because 'he is not their dad'?

How would he feel if three years after the marriage they are unable to conceive for whatever reason?

What happens if the wife 'loves' her first kids more than his?

So many what is that the woman must be expectional to worth it.

But again, if she was amazing... why is she divorced?

milemimi93:
women always playin the victim card since 15BC.

And for the ex to leave the kids with her shows those kids do not belong to her ex.

Not true

marttol:
SNOOPDOG

BABA AJA

Anyways, make una laff small



1.Girls of today will Never apologize when they're wrong,they just sleep naked by your side.My brother you will end up apologizing.


2.Any Girl reading this...by the end of this year, you will get pregnant...if you insult me..it will be twins.


3.*A guy posted a status:My dick is my life. His ex commented: Your life is too short*

4.Why do visitors always pretend to be focused on TV or WhatsApp when you are bringing food

5.Tramadol can make u stare at your father for 30mins and be like "Have we met before? "

6...
*HOW TO STEAL A CHICKEN*

1. Survey the area for about 1 week.

2. On the day of operation, wear an oversized shirt.

3. Be at the place between 11am to 2:30pm. At this time of the day, the owners will be gone to work or be indoor. The chicken will be playing outside happily.

4. Walk at the edge of the street and let the chicken walk freely at the centre, [its more easy if you are in the village]

5. This is where you make the grand move.

6. Dive like a goalkeeper and grab the chicken by the head. Quickly fold the head into the feathers and put it inside your oversized shirt.

7. Move on as if nothing happened. No
looking back.

*THANK-ME- LATER.*
How to steal a cow is next

7.The most respected pple in a wedding ceremony is those sharing food.... i can greet them 5 times


8.Stop pronouncing God as Guard! that's the reason why your prayers don't get answered, they go straight to security companies.


If you laff... Oya like my post, if you say I'm stupid, like my post too...

Haha hahaha!

Your number 8!

You are a clown

crackhaus:
Eternal bachelorhood is becoming more popular in developed societies, not sure how you will fare in Nigeria though where it's a culture to make someone's private business everybody else's business.

Eventually you will get fed up with the side talk, back talk, spiritual talk, and just marry to silence it all.

Let's see how the eternal bachelors fare in 20 years time.

Serial monogamy is more sustainable than eternal bachelorhood except he is a baby daddy then it is another level.