₦airaland Forum

harveyspec:
But Ma, as a woman, how will you feel seeing your brother washing his wife's clothes? (manual washing o, not washing machine)

Won't you feel somehow?

@babyosisi, I agree with you that a man ought to help the wife with some chores but there still a whole lot of things we are yet to come to terms with in Nigeria

Washing clothes
Washing plates
Cooking
Cleaning the house
Going to the market

These activities are still being viewed as a woman's thing so most folks will frown if a man takes upon these things.

Me personally, I don't have a problem with it, though there will be a limit & the moment u abuse it, everything will be revoked.

Some women really know how to abuse such gestures !!!

But how did our mothers cope, cos in their time, they treated their husbands as lord & masters

In my tribe, there is this saying, more of a title
Odoneehimwen( my husband owner of my soul)

So when a typical Bini calls his wife, she responds by saying "odonehimwnen"

But today the story is different, so it pays to know your spouses disposition to these things, is he/she holding on to that traditional view of the man is lord & master or is he/she a hybrid of the modern world/traditional view or solely modern view

This way, it will save u alot of heartache

Me, I'm a hybrid

Sorry my response is coming late

@bold; if I do, then God will punish me because I enjoy much more from my hubby and my hubby will be very disappointed he has an hypocrite for a wife

My husband's 'appointment' means a lot to me

buggaboo:
Your future DIL you mean.
So it's ok to see your son constantly sweeping, cooking and washing pots when you visit him and his wife?
You'll end up despising the wife.
Some things are not just meant to be seen.

I mean my SIL

We are not all the same

Everyone run their home as they deem fit.

Who says some things are not meant to be seen

harveyspec:
I'm not married o, but I keep telling my mum that this present generation's mentality is different from theirs

so wisdom should be used when dealing with the youth, likewise the youth when dealing with elders

So if your FIL/MIL is above 60, then they will definitely have issues with hubby working around the house cos in their time it wasn't the norm excerpt in few homes( which was considered an anomaly)

Most elders will have an issue with hubby working in the house, they will view him as a "wussy". So for the few days they will be around, just manage & when they leave, hubby should return back to the way things were

My two cents!! I stand to be corrected

harveyspec:
Ok, I have a family friend, the mum stays with them, the guy wakes up in the morning to sweep the house, bath the kids, I nor know wetin madam dey do.
It was a very big issue, the mom had to calm down but trust me, she ain't happy with the wife
Abroad that might not count but here in Nigeria, it does count, you are suppose to be receiving prayers from your elders & not curses or insult
imagine this guy will be removing cobwebs from the house, washing curtains etc not that madam is sick o or has a hectic schedule o
if its about education, the guy is a lecturer but I nor know whether him case still normal
No elder will feel comfortable with such reversal of role(cos that's how they see it), just jejely pretend till they go, but if its an elongated stay, so help you God

The issue is that such in-laws are very hypocritical

The same MIL in your story will be glad her daughter caught a good man if she sees her SIL doing half her son is doing.

My future SIL will have a supporter in me once she doesn't look for trouble...

If my mum ever decides to say ... A, B, C is not right for a guy to do, she go hear am

It is well

babyosisi:
The same MIL will call him the best son in law in the world

LOLs!

emeraldoe:
MIL and their wahala. My MIL and FIL are in my place at d moment(FIL is sick and hubby brought him over for treatment). Few days back, hubby decided to cook and MIL got to know about it. Ehn, nor be small talk. MIL was like, why will I leave my hubby to cook dat she doesn't understand dat one oh. I told my hubby and he said I shud jst stay in d kitchen with him and close d door. Since dat day, hubby is restricted to helpin me out around d house

What I can not wrap round is that 'won't the same MIL be happy if her daughter's husband help around the house'

Dotwillis1:
for women

Oh really?

So tattoos and piercings are ok for men or is there another counter thread to discuss that?

Funny people are saying Olu & Joke are role model for marriages.... (Not saying they are not )

However they learnt to do what a number of people would not: They lived their lives as they liked it

Good for them

@OP:

Is this thread to debate the rightness or wrongness of tattoos and piercings for people or for women?

bukatyne:
Lol! @ bolded

@ your last line, same applies to me too

@BabyMama,

What a wonderful thread.

It is filled with wisdom and we learn daily.

By my experience and God's wisdom, I had known a lot of these esp. third party part. I can say I have never complained/reported him to anybody before in our 7years together. we have also never carried a quarrel overnight or for more than a few minutes before.

I really learnt about the rationalizing part from this thread. When I do/say something I feel it's not offensive and he takes it otherwise, I always try to justify/rationalize and I apologize when I see he is not seeing. I guess I sometimes can be too logical I have learnt not to even rationalize sef; sfterall, he is the only one I have

I also learnt something vital yesterday when we had an issue that communication is extremely important because we both can not see things the same way.

God bless you

Almost two years...

Have I repented from rationalizing....

Trying to oh!

Not seeing things the same way sometimes.... getting better at that

Just had to comment again

nairaman66:
Yeah.., you said it all. Give back, forgive etc.. These are qualities that make up a genuine family circle.

Nice at bolded

And most importantly, it should go both ways

It is not a woman's thingy

Beautiful pictures

Sexy Preggies

BeauHomme:
It's easy to call people names...irresponsible husband,etc,etc. But let's look @ things closely,it takes two to tango.

Who says the man should bear all the financial burden of the household? The answer is simple, "Society". But a man is married to HIS wife and a woman is married to HER husband,none of them is married to society,and so society shouldn't determine the expectations they place on each other. In every home,I believe it behoves on d couple to deliberate and agree on how they spend their monies,who foots which bills, and so on. Because this societal expectation thing can be really tricky.

I'm not old,but in my little years alive,I've realized that for every notion society has,there's usually a counter-notion,also by another segment of society. Most societal notions can be grouped under "old-school" and "present day". The notion that d husband is d sole provider falls under d "old-school". The same "old-school" prescribes that women are HOUSEWIVES. So it's just logical that d man makes ALL the provision. On d other other hand,the societal notion that suggest that women take on full time jobs is western and "present day". Under the same notion,men ARE NOT the sole providers(u can ask Nigerians in diaspora if in doubt). I mention diaspora b'cos I earlier stated that this notion is western.

Imagine I had a job where I'm entitled to snack,lunch and pre-supper,but the nature of the job doesn't allow me time to settle down and eat,so I usually bring all meals back home. I eat them @ home and still insist my wife COOKS for me,simply b'cos that's what the society demands. For God's sake,if I have something to eat,my wife should be @ liberty to stay off the kitchen(except to cook for the kids). She can even come to join me in my meal. Does that now make her a LAZY and IRRESPONSIBLE wife? She sees it as her duty to cook for me,but a meal has been provided through another means,for God's sake she should get a break. I think it's just fair that dsame analogy be extended to the this thread.

One problem most families have is that the parties involved play between "old school" and "present day" options, only selecting the items that suit them as individuals,not minding it's effect on the home. Every home has to decide which of the two categories of notions to live by. If a hybrid is to be adopted,the exact items from either classifications have to be JOINTLY agreed upon and ADHERED to,if peace and harmony must reign.

Nice input

Like you rightly said, individuals choose what part of the old/new school suits them

Old School: Husband provides all the needs, wifey is responsible for all the house keeping
New School: Husband and wife provides needs and are both responsible for housekeeping

The situation whether either party wants a school's benefits without the responsibilities brings about rancor except the other party is fine with it. That's why my first post on this thread asked if the men in question did chores...

I am sure if they both decided to handle chores and finance, this discussion will not come up.

nairaman66:
The ability to give back!

Ability to give back or the ability to forgive?

What is given back

nairaman66:
This is what life is all about! I admire your family..

What is life all about?

What do you admire about his family?

If the husband cannot tell his female boss to move to the back, does it not mean that the husband respects his female boss more?

oyb:
silly thread

oya

why should a man respect his female boss more than his wife

there are some truly lousy women where I work who have turned some of their subordinates/ contractors to slaves. i KNOW that they won't be taking the sort of shit those women dish out from their wives.

anyway, smarter heads have already pointed out that the heirrachy of the workplace cannot be compared with what obtains in a family setting,

what the hell, there are big ogas in the workplace who are younger than i am. so from a traditional african perspective, they should be calling their older subordinates 'sir' . beans

I know it is six years...

However, the bolded is spot on

Do these husbands help in chores?

sluvy4tune:
madam Nice concept u and ur hubby had


but if the chat is true , are u suggesting the op and partner should meet halfway over issues like this ? should they even be discusiing who should lay the bed or not ? or even to debate who cooks or not .....The Op needs serious work

Who lays the bed matters to some, it doesn't to others...

I rarely lay the bed when I wake up in the mornings.... hubby does not mind laying it daily

The OP should answer if the guy ever came to her house and how she treated him.

Interesting thread

@OP:

I would say you should have learnt the kind of person your guy was/is and values he hold dear before engaging in a relationship.

Did your guy ever visit you in your house... if yes, how did you treat him?

While I dated my hubby, we cook and clean in each other's house... I am a guest in his house and he is in mine so we treated each other well in our houses. Till date, there are some chores I don't fancy doing which he picks up and there are some stuffs I know he wouldn't do etc.

While we visited, we helped each other with chores and everything....

Anyways, different strokes for different folks

If you are still interested in the guy, discuss with him and meet him halfway

If you are no longer interested in him, use this as a lesson for the next guy

harveyspec:
Wow thanks ma, I'm grateful

Just that I love her & I know she loves me, the thought of breaking her heart is bugging me & the whole idea of starting afresh.

It's a mixed feeling, once her drama starts, I want to pull out later on, I start reconsidering

The circle continues!!!

She needs to learn how to give back

Bolded:
Why don't they believe in me?

Because you are bolded

Wipe your tears.... don't cry

Now I believe in the bolded

bellong:
We are doing fine.. Thanks.. You?


Those devils have to wait 6 months if not for anything but dividends of democracy "maritocracy".

Fine, thanks to God

LOL @ dividends

The OP sure might have learnt one or two things sha

bellong:
She has deactivated her account....

I knew there was more to her sob story. Even the devil himself would have done at least 6months honeymoon before unleashing terror....

O well

Some devils do not wait 6 months o

How are you and yours?

@Kimoni:

Congrats on the birth of your baby.

God be with him now and always

cococandy:
amen

Happy Birthday Dearie

Many many more of God's blessings and proforming

Regards to hubby

babyosisi:
Now that you brought this up, let me share what you must never do sweetie pie
never say yes to the kids when my inlaw says no
I have been there and it's no fun
Children can be very manipulative and if they know you are the more likely to say yes( just like myself) they will come to you for approval of things they know their dad won't approve, you grant the request and the atmosphere in the house heats up for days.
Always confirm what your husband thinks before saying yes
I am not talking simple stuff like should I drink soda,can I eat a bar of candy but more serious stuff like should I go for a sleep over,go for a movie with Daniel and co and you know your husband doesn't particularly like your son hanging with Daniel,or promising them a certain gift or toy that Oga had already said could wait. when they get to their teens and can drive you better be speaking with one voice to bring up well balanced children.

You should always be on the same page with him as far as kids are concerned
My hubby ,like my dad can be very strict and in some things I would really want to go against him to do it and have,it is one if those mistakes,I have made in the past,don't do it,not worth it.
Instead appeal to him in the bedroom,away from the children and advocate for them
If he insists on saying No,that too should be your answer.
You need to present a united front always
Never ever undermine your husband's authority before the children,men don't take kindly to that

Very Very true

Preprof:
Good evening all. I have been following this thread since inception but have not been able to comment. I created a new moniker for this purpose. There's an issue I'd like to table before the house and see what advice I would get.
I'm a final year student in one of the universities and have been in a relationship for about three years. My boyfriend has graduated and is currently serving.
Truth be told, I have always thought that I am in a perfect relationship until I spoke with a friend about what has been going on.
I love my bf to the point that I have made sacrifices for the relationship to go on. He disvirgined me. Whenever we have issues I am always the person that apologizes. He made me change my religious denomination.
Sex with him has been far from pleasurable. I do my best to satisfy him but he hardly cares if I enjoy the act. He craves a bj and I oblige him. He only started getting down on me recently. pre-intimacy is hard task for him and when he gets into me, he climaxes within a few minutes leaving me unsatisfied. I have tried to talk to him about it but he accused me of sleeping with other men. Once, he told me I was acting like a prostitute because I was tipsy due to some alcohol I took.
Early this year, he told all the numbers of guys I have on my phone.
I don't make financial demands on him but he hardly gives me anything. He told me to be content wwith what my mum gives me. He scolded me for making a hairstyle that he considered to be expensive (on top my own money o). I bail him out whenever he is in a fix.
He interrogates me about my whereabouts, who I am with and what I am doing everytime he calls.
I have never really caught him with another girl but I recently saw evidence that he was sexting with a girl. I didn't confront him about it.
I have not discussed my bf with anyone until my friend started asking me about him.
I decided to share this with a larger group so that I can get advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Cc: babyosisi, cococandy

Preprof,

What do you enjoy in this relationship?

djon78:
Adanne babyosisi thank you so much for this wonderful thread, it has educated me so much concerning marriage.

Honestly I now know that if I had ventured into marriage b4 now, I would have made a mess of it because I was never prepared for it. I am in my mid 30's, came accross a lot of ladies in the past 2 years, but none realy gave me the inner convictn or peace. I wasnt even praying seriously then, adding to that my mum was calling me every week to drum on concerning wife. Honestly that was when I knew I had to pray seriously to God to find my wife, as I did sometime last year, I met a young woman in her mid 20's, gotten her masters, working, very homely, sows and designs her own clothes, bakes and designs quality cakes, deeply spiritual, naturally beauty, infact she is an embodiment of virtous woman in Proverbs 30. I did not waste time oh, I made my move immediately, she no gree oh that last year, but I was led not to give up, I persisted, was real to her, she saw me for whom I am when she gave me the chance, our wedding is coming up soon.
I have now come to realy understand what marriage is, that you have to die to self and the flesh to succede. God had previously dealt with me concerning sex, cos I was chasing skirts like most guys but I ve learnt abstinence, infact by Gods grace adultery has been programmed in my mind as a no no, this my body only belongs to my wife, no other woman, though it isnt easy because am still flesh, but with God it is well.
That is why threads like this is good, it teaches a lot because many people get into marriage not prepared, that is why many marriages are breaking up. A childhood friend of mine, got married last dec in the east, he has a very rich dad. I cldnt make it to his wedding so I visited him at home, I was like wow when his wife came to greet me, I gave her 98% on the scale of beauty, she was like one of those super models. 3 days later I was hanging out with friends, I discovered that my friend that just did his wedding 3 days before who was supposed to be enjoying honeymoon with his gorgeous wife, lodged another woman in a different hotel. I was so angry, sad and disgusted when I got to know of this, it then dawned on me that a lot of people just marry to fulfil all righteousness, they dont take it serious and end up making their partners life with sorrow and misery.

Beautiful

@Bold: wonderful.

God bless your home

harveyspec:
I'm in a fix kind off

I'm 28, she is 23, she is my first, we are clocking 1yr6months. I have gone to see her father, not to declare my intentions per say but based on invitation, he wanted to know the man dating his daughter. His questions bothered on my job & my family

We haven't had sex but there has been romance. The thing is I'm tired of the relationship.
Am I bored? No
Have I found someone else? No
Do I love her? Yes
Is our communication level good? Yes & no

Why the burnout?
I really poured in my best into the relationship, wanting to know about her, showing care & love in every aspect of her life (academics,finance,siblings, spiritual, physical etc)

Now that I'm tired, some things I had previously ignored, seems a
Big deal to me & also there is this psychological feeling of she is my first, try someone else too


I taught her something about open lines of communication, so when there is an issue we talk about it but it seems she kind of took advantage of it, knowing fully well that I will want to play by such rule. Gradually I began to feel cheated, seeing all the effort I put in & not seeing her's up to a commensurate level.

There was a time I told her I wasn't doing to put in any effort & that it was her time to work, but that yielded no result.

In this 1yr6months, I have called off the relationship on 4 counts, on all counts she cried & pleaded, because I loved her & also the fear of her hurting herself, I find myself rescinding my decision.

What I resolved to do was next occurrence, I won't call it off but withdraw gradually, well it happened again, I withdrew but it was abrupt & we haven't spoken for 2weeks now

She has tried everything & I haven't bulged & don't plan to.

I have resolved that the next relationship, I won't put in 100%, but unleash them in increasing level slowly to prevent this kind of burnout(I'll give myself time before I start the next one, my plan is to make friends: no strings attached)

Herein lies my concern

1. Where do I start from( this was my first relationship, I don't know how to flirt or chase after girls, dont even have them as friends per say)

2. Will I find someone better, folks have been drumming it in my ears that the devil you know.....

3. Hope I ain't making a mistake

Finally, I have my own faults, one being am very principled & whenever there was an issue, she always took the reconciliation step.

Thanks

Cc:babyosisi, cococandy, freecocoa

Sorry I am coming late to the party

I understand where you are coming from...

This lady is your first love and you invested everything in the relationship unfortunately, she is not reciprocating so you have been withdrawing from your emotional bank account without deposits and now the account is dry

@ bold:
The lady knows you love her genuinely that's why she keeps coming back for more unfortunately she is probably still testing the waters (not cheating on you) or feel she is still young and wants to keep you as per husband material

@ 2nd bold:
If you decide not to give your all in your next relationship, the lady might be principled like you and withdraw when she is burnt out. My point: Sade does not have to suffer for Titi's faults.

As for your concerns:

1. Where do I start from( this was my first relationship, I don't know how to flirt or chase after girls, don't even have them as friends per say): The way you met this lady, you will meet others too. You are 28 and should be thinking of marriage meaning your next relationship should be geared towards that.

2. Will I find someone better, folks have been drumming it in my ears that the devil you know.....: That is the same line that has made many people miss out on their angels. Why don't you commit your love life into the hands of God? This lady might be the one for you but she must learn to give emotionally too She might not be the one for you and you will be led to someone better. Don't leave things at status quo because you are scared of the future. You must be cock sure she is the one before saying I do... It gives confidence in tackling challenges when they come.

3. Hope I ain't making a mistake: Refer to number two.

Work on reconciliation when you are wrong.. You are not too big to say sorry (It might be an issue for your girl too)

Again a number of ladies believe a guy should sweat it out in relationships because they will sweat it out in marriage (check out NL as a case study; most marriage advices are geared to the wife doing or not doing something ).

It is well

Have a great day...

P.S.: Ladies! Ladies!! Ladies!!! don't take a man's love for granted!

xavier3:
.

Ohwhy, come and see xavier3's account

Truth or not so we can know what next

Guests:
Cc; dinachi, ifyalways, lordreed, aisha2, chaircover, babyosisi, rosarie, bellong, cougar, freecocoa, bukatyne, edwife, byvan, ihedinobi2.

Please come oh, the real gist has been revealed.

#AprokoMode.

Thanks for the mention

Back to the thread

Orikinla:
[size=14pt]GEJ has stakes in different oil blocks.[/size]

Are we sure Buhari doesn't have stakes also