₦airaland Forum

naijababe: I honestly do not believe in heavy sacrifices like the above as they often backfire! As they say, the only thing constant in life is change, he has made some sacrifice by sticking his neck out in the first place and roughing it out too for 4 years, if their original decision is not working out then it makes absolute sense to revisit it now, doesn't it?

Asking a spouse to give up their career is only going to lead to resentment, especially if the other party's career is intact, no one should be made to feel like they are a bad person for wanting to pursue their dreams is all I am saying.

That's exactly what will happen if the wife leaves her comfort zone in London

biolabee: Why I said she is happy as she has her way but the man has lost his peace n trust?
Agree with you on tabling matter but it is easier said than done
One party may always have the more logical views seemingly having better or a bigger picture than the other

How do you manage inevitable resentment

If one party always has a more logical view (which I doubt possible), he/she is to sell the idea with love to the other party.

If we see marriage as a partnership, it becomes much more easier. It's not a 'I must always have my way because I am the head/tail/body situation.' Once we understand that every decision (after considering all sides and picking the best solution irrespective of who owns the idea/solution) made to improve the home, conflict is easier to manage. I stumbled on a thread where the OP brought her/her friend's case: The hubby was building 'his' house and he had exceeded his budget. Wifey had been saving to buy a car. Now hubby wants wifey to give him some of her car money to finish his house so that he will add to her car money in future and he will have some shares in the car. And I was like seriously?

How can a hubby build 'his' house or wifey buy 'her' car? If hubby doesn't contribute to the car, will the wife stop him from driving it? If the wife doesn't contribute to the house, will the hubby stop her from entering it?

In the scenario painted above, how do we resolve the issue amicably without short changing either party?

How was issues resolved while they were courting? Was it swept under the carpet? Did one person always lord it over the other? Or were they pretending saying 'yes yes' with the plan of showing their true colour(s) after the nuptial knot as the other party is 'going nowhere?' How was the foundation of the home?

It all goes back to the basics: how was the child (now man/woman) brought up to resolve conflicts or relate with people around him/her? Train up a child in the way he/she should go and when old, they will not depart from it. That child we are indulging will grow up and become a very selfish person. The child who can never do wrong in our eyes will grow up a spoilt and unreasonable person. The child who we never see anything good in will become a low esteemed person who can't stand his/her ground and believe the whole world is against him/ her.

It is well

coogar: she's a feminist - perhaps she's trying to be the first nigerian woman to practise polyandry. if i marry someone like bukatyne, i would beat feminism out of her belly!

Lol!

Out of my belly? why belly na?

freecocoa: Except you want to be another funke, coogar is married with kids, you better steer clear for your own good.

Ewo!

And I was busy E~planning wedding

I don't do second hand men

biolabee: To you what does happiness or peace mean in respect to a dispute where both parties have strong views

Peace and happiness are two complete different things.

There can be peace without happiness. Infact, most 'peaceful' marriages are not happy because one party has lost him/herself to let quiet reign in the home. If I am a servant, I will obey my master to have 'peace' but I will never be happy.

As to a dispute where both parties have 'strong' i.e. differing views, they have to go to the table, lay down their points and make the best decision for the all parties concerned.

In the OP's case, the wife is very wrong. The husband didn't need to ask before she divulged the necessary info. Even if the man was begging, toasting etc. she should have told him. She even said she was talking about the hubby. what was she saying that she didn't want him to know about? Even if she was reporting him in a playful way, she could have been saying 'don't mind him, he doesn't take care of me ooo' and be making faces at him or caressing him sef. There is nothing like 'seperate' or individual friends in marriage. Uncle Amos should be uncle to the couple and same with Aunt Amina. Even if Amos is toasting her, she could be able to tell her hubby what is going on.

However, this is eventually depend on the communication system the couple adopted in the past. If the hubby is the C - in - C that the wife cannot approach his royal throne without previous permission, then the wife cannot become open now.

freecocoa: Why is marriage being discussed on this thread? I'm confused.

Coogar and bukatyne, are you guys getting married?

Yes, we are

coogar: divorce in the west is 50-50.......this man and his wife have no kids. she had an excuse to leave when the man was locked up for 14 years.....



he is able to become this kind of president because the wife allowed it. if he's got a wife that loves to floss lavishly on frivolities, would he be diverting 90% of his monthly income to charity causes? think!!!! it's one thing to decide to become a type of leader, it's another thing for one's significant other to create an enabling environment that allows it.



maybe, but she deserves some credits! if patience goodluck was like her, jonathan would be in a remote village in bayelsa trapping fishes.

You really did not get my first post.

A man that allows his wife to have an influence on his decisions is really a servant-leader and we know that such is rare around us with all what we read on NL and see in the real world.

A husband love makes his wife blossom; his wife's love in turn makes him blossom

The place of a man in marriage is beside his wife;
The place of a man in life is anywhere he wants it to be.

The place of a woman in marriage is beside her husband;
The place of a woman in life is anywhere she wants it to be.

biolabee: His exact words/...

The wife has chosen her happiness over true marital peace and he wants to play along
I hope she does not regret her stand

Like I would say, what is happiness and what is true martial peace?

There is no true peace without happiness

@OP:

I do not believe in having separate friends in a relation i.e. courtship or marriage. Your wife has to define who 'Uncle Amos' is. However, you have to be diplomatic about it.

It's well

coogar: your analogy is top drawer but the concept just cannot work all the time in nigeria.....



charity begins at home. this man must have a good wife at home for starters and it's the only reason he can extend his goodwill to his people. majority of the nigerian leaders are frustrated in their homes - and this is why they often behave badly in public......

the credits shouldn't go to uruguay, the credits belong to his loving wife. if he had married #cough cough# patience jonathan(the woman that shut down an entire axis of a city for 11 days while visiting), there's no way in hell he would be donating 90% of his salary to charity causes.

But if there is to be a divorce in future, you would say she has no claim to her hubby's money.

Charity begins at home from the husband. I was just trying to point out that a husband is a leader called to serve in him home and the Uruguay's president is just a type of who a husband should be in the home. I am also sure that Uruguay did nothing (apart from vote him into power) to 'deserve' a good president but he had made up his mind on the type of president to be before contesting. A man is also to decide the kind of husband he wants to be before thinking of getting married.

I wouldn't give the credit to the wife alone; I strongly believe the husband demonstrated same in his home that's why the wife can lovingly support him in the first place.

coogar: to be a good husband, one needs a good wife. the president's wife must be very good to have allowed her husband move into her farmhouse.

besides, the husband spent 14 years in a military prison, he was shot 6 times by the police, the woman emained with him in those difficult years - the average nigerian wife would have fled.

You do not still get my analogy

Trust a typical Nigerian; everything must lie on everyone else

The article talked about the president's leadership style and not marriage, I just related the two concepts.

You said

coogar: power means 2 things to different people. in uruguay, it means to serve. in nigeria, it means to be served. this man donates 90% of his salary to charity causes to help make the lives of his people easier. jonathan goodluck spends N1 billion on food alone.

dear lord, what type of clay did you make nigerian leaders from?

And I commented that

bukatyne: Sorry to go off course but this analogy is a good example for marriage.

As a husband(to be) think of the kind of hubby you want to be: The Uruguay type or the Nigerian type

Going by your logic,

What did the country do to deserve a good president?

Geolalisa: They priest,bishop and pope are ordained by God. Are you saying that once you are born again you are without sin for life?

Are you saying the Priests, Bishop and Popes are without sin?

[quote author=~Bluetooth]


Women matter. . .Uruguay is not a poor country,they are just blessed to have a good leader.Besides leadership is a service to the people.[/quote]Exactly what I was trying to say

coogar: the uruguay president is staying in his wife's farmhouse. how many nigerian wives have a house to begin with? biko, don't compare........

Really? I am not comparing by country, I am comparing by personality...

Is the president a good president to his wife or his country? What has Nigerian wives got to do with it?

coogar: power means 2 things to different people. in uruguay, it means to serve. in nigeria, it means to be served. this man donates 90% of his salary to charity causes to help make the lives of his people easier. jonathan goodluck spends N1 billion on food alone.

dear lord, what type of clay did you make nigerian leaders from?

Sorry to go off course but this analogy is a good example for marriage.

As a husband(to be) think of the kind of hubby you want to be: The Uruguay type or the Nigerian type

[quote author=Zona.com]You dont understand religious matters thesame way you do politics. Faith is a strong phenomenon and the catholic faith demands the faithfuls to be real LAMBS. I'm a catholic, but i dont understand all the church's doctrine, i just apply FAITH[/quote]Dear,

Faith is only applied to the word of God and not the doctrine of the Church. All doctrine of the Church must be in accordance to the Bible.

If your Priest teaches you something, it is your duty to go back to the Bible to confirm.

It's is well

P.S.: I only know of Christian Faithfuls. Who is a Catholic Faithful?

eastman11: God hates divorce, marriage is for better and for worse, learn to endure. Again stop thinking of moving out, a few slap here and there will not kill you, so many single ladies will prefer to be married with six hot slap every morning than to remain single. My final advice, don't divorce and stop complaining.

I want to sincerely believe you ain't real!

goodchild24: I quite understand how u feel ryt now cos i had similar exprience.If i start sharing my own,it wil tak a whole day.
my candid advice:
havin beaten u once, he is goin to beat u mor in d future.
people dont change,dey only becom clearer pics of whom they really are.
d choice is yours,if u want to stay be sure to endure mor miseries,it even becam mor painful wen ur children watch yl he batters you.
if u ar workin save for ur children's up keep cos tym wil com u wil b d only 1 to tak care of den dat is if u survive subseqent beating(COS IT MUST SURELY COM).MY BATTERY IS DOWN WIL COM BAK TO POST WEN I CHARGE,MINE WAS 5YRS DATING,5YRS OF MARIAGE WIT 4KIDS N HAVE BEEN BEATEN MORE DAN 15X,I KEPT HOPIN DAT HE WIL CHANG BUT PPL DONT CHANGE,,MAY B 1 DAY I WIL SHARE MY EXPRIENCE HERE,FOR D SINGE LADIES,DONT SETTLE WIT A GUY DAT SHOWS SIGNS OF BATTERING A WOMAN OR EVEN HAV D TRAIT,DEY DON CHANGE.DAT IS D OBVIOUS TRUTH

I earnestly believe in not accepting bullshit but I also believe in not giving bullshit either. I know some men are evil and will misbehave irrespective of what the woman does. I also know that men are humans like we women and feel hurt and pain.

I really don't believe the once beaten mantra especially if the woman provoked it. If a person jacks my shirt once, twice, the third time, it will take extra ordinary patience to not slap that person especially if it was a mild disagreement. We should learn to do unto others as we want others to do unto us.

P.S.: I do not support wife/husband beating/ abuse in any form.

Cheers.

Dear OP,

I would not advocate divorce, separation or even prayers because you walked into the marriage with your eyes opened. Leave the prayer to people who were really surprised in marriage as I don't what your prayer point will be.

That said, your husband has aired his grievances (if this thread/story is true) and it will do you good to look at it and try to make amends. If you knew that food and sex was important to your then fiancé, you should have improved yourself in areas you are lacking. I believe a man must up his game in relationship but that doesn't give a woman the license to contribute nothing to making it work. If you complain that he doesn't make you happy, what do you do to make him happy? Your hubby is human too and you should learn to treat him how you want him to treat you.

As for the food, I know who doesn't know how to cook and still doesn't want her hubby in the kitchen. Perhaps you can enlighten us why. Your hubby is the best bet you have now. You both can turn the cooking lessons into ... You should appropriate he is willing to teach you.

I believe that it takes two to tango in marriage and both parties should make it work. Even if you believe your hubby should join you in chores, you must not be found wanting also. I don't know why a married woman is not willing to experiment sexually with her hubby (if your hubby's allegation is true). You have gotten the license to do that. Variety is the spice of life (sex) If he doesn't experiment with you, who will?


@PortHarcourtBoy,

I am assuming this story is true. You decided to marry her despite her faults and vice versa so you shouldn't be surprised or start complaining she is still exhibiting them. Do you think marriage transforms people overnight? Doctorazz who doesn't know how to cook will not suddenly develop the skills overnight because she has become Mrs. PHCboy.

Stop the beating for God's sake. How would you feel if someone beats you because he knows he can beat you and get away with it? You are the husband and have been called to lead your home by example. Would you like your wife beats you because you did something wrong? Treat your wife how you want her to treat you. Teach her by examples in love the things she doesn't know and vice versa.

AS for the sex, try to improve yourself too and find out if you are satisfying her. I believe you don't need to teach her how to respond to you if she is enjoying it. If she doesn't initiate different environments, you can. In the car, bathroom, under the stairs, your balcony at night (this is always my dream)etc. and see if there will be no difference. Also find out if something happened to her while she was young to make her frigid. It takes two to make it wrong. Do all you very best so that you will be free of blames tomorrow.

It is well with you both.

TimePiece: Are we not in 2013?

We are

This Jacket looks lovely on her. I am sure she wouldn't have been an object of ridicule if she wore something like this to 2011 Grammy awards

biolabee: That is why it is a marriage

You make compromises for strangers you meet everyday
Why not your spouse

If your point is a rejoinder that one should not lose his or her individuality that is good.
But if it's just to say making compromises is akin to lack of conviction well...

I don't think you read/inferred the bolded from my posts

I am talking spiritual here. I said it's a post script. If God told her not to wear trousers anymore, nothing anyone says will make her do so.

I am not talking about rights or compromise here.

[quote author=St.Ola]Joshua was noted to have prayed during battle that the sun should stand still, it was recorded the sun then stood still. The old testament also defines the earth as firmly established and cannot be moved,and because this is in the no lie possible book called bible, the church persecuted Galileo and made him recant his support of the scientific concept of heliocentrism (the stationary sun is center of the universe with all other moving bodies including earth revolving round it) advanced by Copernicus.

You, like the Church in the Galileo case attach a perfection that doesn't exist to the bible. Bible scholars know it is a book containing as many inconsistencies as there are truths, nothing to be surprised about, as it never descended from heaven. Rather it contains prophesies and revelations, God given instructions, documentation of events, chronicles of event whose accuracy isn't more perfect than the men who authored them, and lastly the personal viewpoints of men as permitted by their own understanding of both the law and the gospel.

To make the bible any more divine than it is would usually result to you taking the opinions and arguments of Paul or any others' as word of God not to be debated. From your logic, any word uttered in the bible must have received the seal of heaven?

Paul was man and salvation come not by his blood, and so him addressing the faithful as saints does not make them. No Saint on earth until the journey is completed and one is counted among the living by him who gives eternal life.[/quote]St. Ola, we really have nothing to discuss anymore since you don't believe that Bible is perfect.

Good Day

biolabee: Interesting discourse

However I feel it's just an erroneous assumption to state that if I do something due to someone's persuasion I have no conviction

I decide to send my kid to a military school; my wife believes otherwise
The kid goes to altantic hall
Suddenly I have no conviction

If in your mind, discourse and compromise between married adults means that one party has no conviction then you can't have a realistic discussion on this issue; as to you, having an opinion and sticking obdurately to it is your test of conviction

The 'no conviction' part was as regards the trousers; that is why it is a post script.

She said she stopped and later continued because the then fiancé said she should do so. She had no conviction to stop the trousers in the first place.

soledadd: @ bukatyne, its never your business to know why i stopped in the first place. There is an issue here you can say your mind and stop attacking people. Like you said i dont have conviction of my own, i and hubby delibrate on issues amicably and its working for us. You can as well share your own experience.

Madam, once again, this thread is not about us.

I don't do e-issues or e-fights. And with what have I been attacking people in the first place?

You and hubby deliberate on issues and another person's hubby is forcing her to stop something he knew very well she was doing and you are comparing apples and oranges.

Ok, to humor you, let me share my 'experience'

All through my university days, I was on trousers and we usually wear matching trousers to school then. After school, God told me to stop wearing trousers.

I did not say it was God's command and kept mute. I told him and had to convince him too. Initially, he didn't like it but I told him I was not going back and that we will buy nice skirts and we could still do our matching colors .

What is the point of my narrative? It would be wicked of me if I just stopped or told him for information purpose that status has changed or worse still waited until after marriage to 'spring' up the surprise since he's going 'no where'. Afteral, as a Christian, he cannot 'divorce' me because of trousers; anybody he tells will even support me since I want to drop a 'sinful' thing. This is usually the problem in marriages; during courtship, we accept the man/woman as he or she is and 'worship' the ground they walk on. After marriage, we then want to bend them to suit ourselves because 'they are no longer going anywhere'. We know they cannot divorce because our religion and society doesn't support it and we then begin to wonder why our spouse has 'changed' My fiancé liked to keep late nights or hang out with the boys and I never complained; suddenly because I am now his Mrs, I want him to come back home to me every night after work. Like seriously?

If the man received the 'revelation' after marriage, he ought to sell it in a way the wife feels loved and cherished. There could also be some things in his life that needs changing and it would be ideal he works on them first. When the wife notice the changes (either subtle or outright), she would feel convinced and try to adjust too.


ONE YEAR AFTER!

Bukatyne on fire

italo: Why dont you answer the question and stop looking for a detour.

Who breastfed that "mighty God?"

You?

Is Mary not the mother of 'God'?

soledadd: @Bukatyne you have really shown a picture of yourself. You can be a reverend for all i care. I dont think you have an experience here. You are not into marriage to prove that you are a strong woman. But you entered because love exists between you two. It doesnt matter whether he said it before of after marriage. I started wearing trousers again because my hubby likes me in that. I was not under duress. I willingly acepted and it never made me feel belated. I am hapilly married and cannever have any regret being with my hubby. I will choose him more than a million times over. This issue is too trivial to cause a break up in marriage. A woman who wants complete love from a man will be ready to reciprocate by respecting your him .

I have never said a person enters into marriage to prove strength. Where did I say you where under duress? It is easy for you to say as your hubby told you what he wanted before marriage.

Madam, please let us not make this thread about us.

P.S.: Why did you stop wearing trousers in the first place?

Syncan: Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Who breastfed that mighty God? You may insult her all you want, I guess its your way of calling her blessed.

Do you understand the bolded?

biolabee: I dont agree with you on this comment

She is very wise keeping her home together

Too many smart but unwise ladies around.. using their own hands to destroy their own marriage

What use is happiness (getting what you want) without peace (true joy)

The last I remembered, Marriage is built by both husband and wife. Sacrifice and compromise doesn't come from one party else there will be disappointment and bitterness. A lot of women are so bitter and caustic because all their lives they have sacrificed without getting anything in return.

Happiness is not necessarily getting what you want. Peace doesn't equate true joy either. If I were a slave, I can decide to do my master's bidding for peace to reign but I will never be truly happy

I said she doesn't have conviction because she wore trousers at her fiancée's insistence. I wonder what posters like Acidosis will say. Why did she stop in the first place?

A woman is NOT a zombie to follow her hubby brainlessly. If the hubby asked her to do something wrong, will she do it for peace to reign? Remember Ananias and Sapphira in The Bible. The first person to obey/respect is God.

My major problem is that the hubby was comfortable with it till after marriage. I dislike wicked people like that. He knows the woman is going no where and he starts saying don't do this, don't do that. What will he bring on tomorrow? And the woman keeps changing to satisfy him and when she becomes bitter, he will start complaining that she has changed.

Syncan: If you've got nothing intelligent to say, it is a virtue to keep quiet and "ponder it all in" your heart. Mary the mother of, Jesus who is God, did that, it was examplary.

I should actually tell you that.

Imagine yourself, Mary the mother of God! So your God has a mother? And He created man (male and female) in His image? Bia, where was Mary during the creation? Breatfeeding Jesus abi?

You guys are impossible.

[quote author=St.Ola]How do the words of a man Paul qualifying fellow men as saints in a letter translate to the words of God?
I suppose the many words of Paul in his many letters, even those that specify the role of women in the church are also words of God? Paul could lie as he was only man and not God, and when did Paul become a prophet relaying only the knowledge revealed by God?

I maintain that the saints are in heaven, having achieved eternal life. Not because a church leader addresses one as such in a letter. Even the Catholic or Anglican or Eastern Orthodox conferment of Sainthood is only a mere worldly assertion that in all certainty, the personality lived a life worth emulating, and died in a state of grace to attain eternal life. No more!

Celibacy was a choice till it became fully mandatory after the counter reformation I suppose. Even some past Popes were not celibates. Celibacy only takes effect when the oath is made and so does not hinder a widower from taking up priestly ordination. The church will not encourage a married man to abandon his marriage for holy orders.

Jesus said, "if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, carry his cross and follow me. It was reported that the rich man who wanted to be counted as righteous went away sad when Christ revealed the need of him to give away his earthly possessions and come follow him. Peter speaking for the disciples said, "what about us, we have forsaken all and have followed thee". I believe you know what Christ's assuring reply to Peter was. If you say Peter was recorded as married, I agree. Was he recorded as actively married while he followed Jesus or while he did work of the gospel? Peter's mother-in-law was healed by Christ, and we also learn from the Acts that his wife devoted herself to Christian work, both reveal that Peter was a married man before he encountered the Lord and gospel work.

So the call has been made by Christ, a call the disciples heed, likewise Paul for the gospel sake. So what is the problem with celibacy for the gospel sake? Is marriage a criteria for salvation? Is the denial of the world and the gift of self to total commitment to the gospel not approved by Christ?

That you are not selfless enough to make such commitment shouldn't engender a disdain for those who are.

The effects of such celibacy is found in the selfless missionary work of the likes of St.Patrick of the British isle, St.Francis Xavier of the Asian far East, and the numerous who freely left their erstwhile homes to journey at great peril and discomfort to preach the gospel. I wouldn't dare forget the great St.Paul.

I have mostly had communion without wine, but sometimes with wine.[/quote]Emm, you don't believe the words of Paul in the Bible but you believe the words of the person who calls Mary and co saints?

Paul could lie? You mean there might be lies in the BIBLE?

[quote author=St.Ola]I don't recall any Catholic saying only Mary has the power to intercede. All saints intercede for our sake.

Then someone saying his interceding pastor is alive and Mary is dead? Comparing a pastor alive to sin in the world to saints in heaven[/quote]No dead saint has power to intercede. If it were so, don't you think the Bible would have hinted or said it?

Mary was not alive to sin?

Syncan: Because it wasn't meant for me. Take it out with Jesus.

Oh, really? While you asking Him, find out His stand on Mary worship/intercession