₦airaland Forum

TV01: And I won't argue that point



She is not being held responsible for what he did. I stated that quite clearly.
We have seen clearly what this particular man he is capable of.



So why did she take them to her mother in the first instance? She alleges "battery", so she must have known he was an irresponsible, abusive man. And poor to boot. (vote her kids are seeing this as her 'leaving for another man')

The childrens immediate well-being should have been priority. The notion of claiming is somewhat misplaced here,and not really an excuse.



I'll say this for the last time, she is not to blame her for that. And it wouldn't change if the positions were reversed either.



His crime has no excuse or justification - by men or women. And the mother could have done better. For what it's worth, I'm happy to think that she wishes she had.

TV

Oh yeah, that is human nature for you. Even if the mother was still staying with them when the father molested them, she would have wished she did better.

TV01: The mother is in no way to blame for the heinous act of the father. That is his evil and his alone.

The facts are clear;
- She was responsible for upkeep (so she had enough money to cater for them)
- She mean't to send them allowance at her mothers
- She was more than capable of looking after these kids.

- She left for another "man"
- There is no mention of her visiting or trying to secure custody for the two years since the man "claimed" them
- She knew her husband was an abuser and spendthrift. Did she send money to them there? How? I'd doubt that.
- At a guess she put her new relationship before her children.

QED, a simple unbiased look at the facts as presented. She could have done better for those kids, therein lies her culpability. It's nothing to do with the crime per se.

Don't let those with agendas in to poison relationships between men and women. She is not being faulted for his actions, but her own

Twisting the story by alleging she may be living in a cardboard box under a bridge or such nonsense is typical of our own dear "moral crusader. Whilst trotting out the old "men will soon be here to blame her for not fulfilling his sexual needs", is the sorry refrain of the forums leading bull-dyke (ooops, I thought everyone knew!)

Lets be more critical and objective than to allow those with hidden agendas to lead our discussions,whoever they are, avd most especially when they are toxic.

TV

The abuse obviously started after she left their father.

I'm afraid that those blaming the woman for the act of the father are actually trying to say that 'a father is not capable and responsible enough to take care of the children he birthed.'

If the woman was leaving for another man, who was the best person to leave the kids with if not their own real biological father? Does the children not belong to the father anymore? Wouldn't the father claim the children?

If the mother were to sleep with her son, would we find a way to blame the father?

Even when women try to defend men saying they are responsible and such behaviours are out of line, some men in a bid to shift the blame to the woman would end up painting themselves as irresponsible, illogical and senseless creatures who can't think for themselves and differentiate between right and wrong.

alutacontinua: I have to follow this.

Me too

Guyman02: I can observe that you are a very proud woman, claiming all the good part without giving any credit to your husband. Woman! reduce your pride and try another system by being really submissive, talk to him gently even when there is an argument. Try not to order him around and call him names because he refused to do a particular chore. Try to always put him in a good mood and with time he will surely change.
- Do you declare your income to him or you hide it from him.

- Have you ever asked him if he will need your assistance in anyway to help him start saving and cutting costs since you said he spends money lavishly and has no savings. (perhaps your own or his lifestyles might be contributing to that)

- Do you commend him as a wonderful husband and father in front of his and your own family?

- Do you jointly plan your income for the good of the family or you play the wise one who can handle it better i.e go out there and buy whatever you need without his consent.

- What kind of abuses do you rain on him?

- Are you the violent type and sometimes think of slapping him across the face but restrain yourself?

- Do you think by yourself that you have a deadly tongue or people have told you that?

- Do you call him when he is not at home and tell him how much you love him and that you just prepared his favourite dish and that after eating he must reward you with good lovemaking for the night?

- Do you pray together? if yes, are you among the women who would say 'I come against any woman that is after or interested in my husband and wait for the man to say Amen!.

- Do you tell others how irresponsible you think your husband is?

- Do you tell him that you think you can do without him afterall you have a profession and a job?

- Do you bring your profession to the home and doesnt know where to draw the line e.g are you are a lawyer who sees everything in the home from a legal perspective or an accountant who thinks everything should be numerically correct or a medical personnel who thinks that the man is sick in the head?

Please answer the questions which you have consistently dodged in this thread. But most of all, if you start showing him respect and love and treating him as the head of the home and avoiding telling him things and words that you will not use or utter to your boss or employer he will never be tempted to leave home again.

Inasmuch I don't know the details for the OP's marriage and cannot exonerate her from this mess, I must say that your idea of marriage and submission is extremely scary. Please ensure that you clearly spell out your ideology of marriage to your wife-to-be so that your wife does not cry to this forum after you are married.

Guyman02: Thank you for this beautiful analysis. This woman surely has a killer tongue even from her brief write up and seems to suffer from excessive uncontrollable anger. The husband is a matured man who walks away from his pregnant wife who may be a violent type, instead of staying behind and allowing himself to snap and the next thing will be inflicting injury on his wife or even death and the first question asked whenever we hear such news is why didnt you just leave the house for her.
Madam I will advise you examine yourself by keeping your tongue in check, respect, respect and respect your husband. Allow him to be the man of the house. Like my mum will do to dad whenever she asks him for money for our school fees, feeding or for anything, he will vibrate and shout and ask her what she did with the last money he gave her the other day, she keeps quiet and allows him to express himself as the man, at the end before he leaves the house in the morning, the money will be lying on the table for her to pick. But some other women will start exchanging words and talk back at their husband and give him and make him dread coming back home.
Your husband from your explanation seems to be a real gentleman, who would rather walk away than inflict harm on you or get his BP rising.
You are the problem here am sorry from your explanations.
Pray for God to help you overcome the spirit of not being in control of your emotions and temper which leads to constant arguments and quarrels before he falls into the hands of another accommodating woman. Dont leave him because you will be carrying this same problem to another man if you think you can remarry as you are.

The fact that your dad shouts at your mom and she takes it in stride doesn't mean that it's the 'normal expression as the man'. A child is meant to learn from his/her parents mistakes/shortcomings and improve on them and not to repeat them.

In your books, if it ok for the man to abscond anytime the wife offends him, I also hope it is ok for the wife to abscond anytime the hubby offends her too.

I am trying to understand the mother's blame here:

Was the she one that laid the bed for them or did she determine the girl the father should sleep with?

ann14: @ op, the woman should resign. After the wedding she should start a business to support the family. My 2cents

Even when she earns N50,000 more?

byvan: There is just something silly about it,i suppose the sir also applies during lovemaking.This is 21st century joor,the sir thing just doesn't fly it for me.

You eh! what took your mind there?

'sir, take it eassy! Daddy wa, daaadddy waaaaaa, DADDDDDDDDDY WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!'

The problem is that everybody is ready for a fight even before the 'opponent' draws out his sword

The in-laws are ready to pour every blame on the wife and the wife is ready to show them she's no nonsense, even before either party offends.

On a general note, most in-laws from the hubby's side feel they have a license to be treated in a certain way without considering individual differences. All wives must be like a b c etc. Such people will never disturb the husbands of their daughters/sisters the way they torment the wives of their sons/brothers. Most of them expect angels as DILs and will complain of flaws present in their own daughters. Some wives too are in always in the 'fighting' mode when it comes to in-laws even without them offending.

@OP:
Irrespective of what happened in the past, the wifey owns the home and she together with hubby dictates how it is run. Kulyie's advice is also very helpful. Treat her the way you will treat your blood elder sister. When she does something wrong (or you feel is wrong), just shake body and move on. When she behaves unfriendly, ignore it and try to look past it and do what you have to do with your uncle. Try to also study her and see how she relates with her husband and her own family. It might be that it's her 'way'. You don't expect a person who screams at his/her siblings to correct you in 'love'. Think about it, if it were your brother/sister that had that behavior, how would you behave?

As some posters have suggested, try to schedule your visits when hubby is around or visit him at work. Also don't have a run in with wifey else she sets you up in future. Also never think of reporting her to her hubby, it doesn't work.

Also check yourself to see where you missed it (if you have). Do you help her with chores, do you have this 'it's my brother's house attitude?' etc.

I sincerely believe we should let people offend us before we take the offence side in all our relationships; husband - wife, in-laws etc. We should also try to treat issues/people individually and on a case by case basis. A woman who doesn't see the importance of saying thanks to her sister might not see the need to say thanks to her SIL etc.

Very good points

Ihedinobi: Lol. I'm not sure how you think the above relates to the issue at hand.

Lol to you too!

Some poster talked about Hannah and I said hers was not a good example bla bla and you came about that it was their custom etc etc...

You should have checked the relationship to the topic b/4 replying that post

It's well

Ihedinobi: Lol. Are you remembering Sarah and Rachel while you speak? Was Rachel satisfied with her maids bearing for her? Was Sarah?

Yeah, the Bible said that. The part that I missed was where it was said he married one because the other was barren and he wanted children.

Well, I don't want to derail further but...

Did Sarah look for Issac? When God told her about Issac, did she even believe? Do you want to compare Sarah to Hannah who was praying and wailing? Did you ever read anywhere that Sarah prayed to God or worried for kids?

Rachel? Did Leah who had children not still give her servant to Jacob to bear more for her?

Ihedinobi: Apparently you did not realize that I was saying that by the antecedents of their day, it was more likely the woman who tried to sort herself out by giving him a wife to father children for her by.

If the woman tried to sort herself out, why was she still worried and praying for her own kids?

The Bible said 'There was a man named Elkannah.... and he married two wives.....'

Ihedinobi: Right. Because it was the 21st Century with advanced medical science, not so?

Back in those days, it was not abnormal for a barren wife to marry another wife for her husband who would be a sort of surrogate mother for her. How do you know that that wasn't the case there?

I am not faulting him for marrying another wife

I am saying it makes no sense to console her when he has sorted himself out with wifey 2 and plenty lantilanti children. Imagine a man who has 4 four kids outside telling his barren wife 'Am I not worth more than 7 sons to you...' Like seriously?

Is the wife not worth 7 sons to the hubby too? Why did he have to sort himself out?

Humannnn beingggg!

damiso: Thank God its an hypothesis cos I DO have kids and even my husband who said he does not mind adopting (God knows what the story might have been now ) might have been singing a different song by now. This situations are best lived to know how you will react.I cant say procreation is the main reason for marriage but in our culture its a very IMPORTANT factor. In the bible too,as much as Elkannah tried to console Hannah , she still wanted her own child cos her co wife Penninah mocked her with her childless state.It was obvious he loved her dearly and even gave her a worthy portion but she still wanted her own child.

I dont know to be honest but deep deep down I dont think I could do it.I am praying for that kind of faith (even though people around me think i have one kain faith like that).My kids are my world and right now I was soo tired but my daughter cheered me up with her off key singing(like me am a horrible singer).That said though

That Hannah's example is not even right.

If Elkannah loved her so much, why did he marry the second wife?

He could have TTCed with her to prove his love

[quote author=T-john]These two "half men" are growing too fat.
i dont care whether or not they are feeding well.
they should just watch it[/quote]Half men? did they create themselves?

I guess we are very late to this thread but what really is Nigerian Culture?

realone2012: Muslims (one is Halima and the other Saratu and much more) fighting BH, nobody would talk about that now! Bunch of jealous HYPOCRITE.

Why are you bring religion into this now?

Was the call to arms from their cleric or from the JTF? Is JTF now Islamic?

bellong: @Ihedinobi,

Let me give you an example of my marriage, my wife had a serious and critical medical condition. Because of this condition, the guy she was supposed to wed called of the marriage one week to it after all preparations had been made. Her family lost a lot of money and emotional trouble during the period.

A year and more after that, I came up. I already knew about this stuff before approaching her because I did my due diligence. I was waiting whether she will tell me about it or not. If she had not told me, I would have taken a walk because I believe that the union will not be founded on a strong foundation of trust, faith and mutual agreement. I also told her everything I know about myself, medically, spiritually, family and name it because I wanted to have that boldness to answer the priest's question on the solemnization day.

The fact that we started on good foundation of trust, her medical condition is now history two months after the wedding. We joined hands to pray and God answered us, I need not run from church to church. The family are eternally grateful today to God and to me. I am also happy for the person I chose who never conned me to marry her.

If the husband understood the foundation of marriage and the truthfulness involve, he would have opened up and I know it will be history today. I believe in miracle, I enjoy it daily but I do not lay foundation on lies and deceit

God bless you

gluv01: Change that to proper English. It's difficult. It was on Ay comedy skit and almost all the celebs in attendance failed it except Ebube

Let me try: what has happened, has happened I.e. The deed has been done

timpaker: why are you "fearing"?
Oya, if you know you can't fit do what i wanted why did u show?

Ibo

'Prease', i don't 'rike' it!
If yah 'blother' 'rives' in 'sulurele' then he is a biggi boy

yoruba
will you come to hour 'hause' and play 'fido' game?
'oney', am ome!

Lol!

Oney, am ome!

All na loff!

Tgirl4real: Don't turn this to a religious thread na.

lol

I yam sorwi

[quote author=Efemena_xy]No??

So what do you say about the example I gave about David breaking the commandments and yet his lineage is blessed?[/quote]Bellong has replied but some of the stuffs he suffered included:


His son raped his step sister and the step brother killed him

He did not get to build the temple

His son Absalom planned a coup, dethroned him and slept with his concubines

His son Solomon eventually lost the throne

Tgirl4real: That is before the solemnization. It is asked in other to avoid awkward moments as this.

I am still moved to tears over this issue.

I am still praying for you sister.

If either party lied to this question, does it not stand to reason that the marriage was solemnized on falsehood and lies?

I am not against the OP going back to her hubby or not. In an earlier post, I actually said she should pray so that she doesn't make a mistake.

I dislike the fact that some posters are now pulling the religious card like she is the worst sinner if she leaves him.

If she does stay, it's an enormous gift/ sacrifice and not his right or because he deserves it.

Ihedinobi: If we're talking according to Christianity here at all, the op has no grounds for a divorce. The fact that she was deceived into this covenant is not sufficient for a divorce. If she chooses to get one, it is contrary to the Faith she professes. So, you can only proceed with a divorce by excluding your faith, ma'am.

I am not unsympathetic however. I know that God rewards faithful endurance and He will in this case. If you stay true, you will be rewarded for your steadfastness. There are those in the Scriptures who married not knowing that their spouses were unfruitful but upon finding out they travailed in prayer for them until God heard and granted their plea.

But if you would prefer to indulge in today's "rationalism" and act as though God has gone silent and is no longer capable of overruling natural laws then go ahead and disobey the Lord. I assure you that He's still the same God that gave Isaac twins when he cried to Him for his barren wife.

As for the wicked deceit that you suffered from your husband, the command to forgive has not been repealed. He did you a terrible wrong but you have got more reason now to forgive him than to hurt him. Who knows? It may be by this that you will win a soul to your Lord, perhaps more than one soul.

Finally, your marriage and its troubles are more God's problem than they could ever be yours. If you appreciate that then you'lk know that He's invested in your tears and is not at all tardy about wiping them away. Trust your God and let Him come through for you and give you a testimony that will turn the hearts of many to Him.

God bless you, sis.

What of the question the pastor asks the couple 'does anyone of you know of any impediment...'?

[quote author=Efemena_xy]This alone, says it all.

I really do hate it when faced with a real-life problem that requires a real-life solution, people rather than focus on that, turn to religious books to quote excerpts. The bible as we know it, is contradictory in itself of which numerous examples exist.

A good example is this: The ten commandments state, thou shall not kill...thou shall not commit adultery / covet your neighbour's property. Yet king David killed Uriah and slept with his wife. The product of that union, Solomon, as we all know, went on to form the lineage from which Christ was born!

So let's give it a rest, shall we??[/quote]Trust me, it's not but that's for another day

Guitarlife: See the issue with OP is that the said husband disvirgined her. If we carefully read through the bible, we will realise that the disvirginning of a woman represents the actual consummation of marriage not the vows or feasting. Those are just distractions. Exodus 22:16 "If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife" and again Deu 22:28 "If a man finds a girl, a virgin not engaged, and lays hold on her, and lies with her, and they are found, "
Deu 22:29 "then the man who lay with her shall give to the girl's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife. Because he has humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." I do not have the energy to type but the fact that OP was a virgin and the said man disvirgined her as changed everything.
On another note, the OPs husband is not impotent, he is only infertile like some people have already pointed out. That means he is capable and indeed carries out his conjugal duties. The issue here is Ops obssession with children which is probably influenced by her strong African upbringing. To be fair, many Europeans and Americans will not find her husbands case am anomally why ?? Because the dude can perform in bed and THEY LOVE HIM GENUINELY. OP is only practicing the african version of marriage I am truely concerned that most people commenting are missing this fact.

If you are going the virginity route then what happens to those who were raped? so because the hubby disflowered her, he has the license to commit murder?

As for the African version of marriage, can you remember this quote?

Guitarlife: she packed out of her matrimonial home to her parents without a divorce. She is still legally married to the man therefore she has absolutely no right to put the man in between the devil and a tight place and then turn back to rebuke him for choosing the devil. Be objective for once will you ?

So African marriage can work for the hubby but not wifey? If it was the wifey who lied, I am sure you will be singing a different tune.

The issue here is that the husband deceived her into marriage and he has no moral, cultural or spiritual ground to stand on. If the OP decides to continue with their marriage, it is a gift to him and not his right irrespective of if he disflowered her or he's a Christian or whatever.

Let us stop pulling this 'religious' card when it suits us. If the hubby was thinking about Christianity, he would never have lied/deceived the OP into marriage. Let us stop biting our neighbor and accuse him of being a sinner when he decides to pinch us too.

If Keenan is fighting for polygamy so the fight for polyandry can be pushed later, it makes no sense.

The evilof polygamy is not about equality but what is morally right. Wife to be no 2 should think of how she would feel if she were in wifey one's shoes. The hubby should also imagine how he would feel if the wifey marries another husband.

Equality in this case would mean that if a man can marry more than one wife, a wife can marry more than one husband. This would not cure the pain and betrayal the aggrieved party would feel. if my hubby marries a second wife, I don't give a damn if my female neighbours can marry 10 husbands; it would not cure the pain and betrayal I feel.

Any man/woman who cannot stick to one partner is not compelled to marry or should marry spouses who have the same ideology.

biolabee: Save some jollof for me oo
There's a topic where polygamy was just cause for a woman to commit murder

It's somewhere... Read the acerbic comments




@sisikill once again you attack
I don't know about billiejean so why should I correct
I learnt something new myself and what did you mean about secret stokings


Anybody watching the wimbledon mens final.

I don't do jollof; Edikaekong and obgono soup

Apart from the picture where she is natural, I really don't see any other flattering picture.

Congrats to her. May her reign be successful.

TV01: And no offence intended or taken.

I'd still like to see a biblical outline of your assertion if you care to oblige. If only because I never really thought about it like that.

Best
TV

Matt 19: 11 - 12; 1 Cor 7

biolabee: Buka.....where have you been


If it were my sis and she wants to stay good... her choice
If she wants to go .. her choice

As long as she is able to fend for herself most importantly as economic issues colour decisions

However i will never support killing a man because of a perfectly allowed customary marriage arrangement

Polygamy is allowed in our nation

Marriage is not by force......

ISh

Where else? In the Bukateria cooking of course!

Biola! who has talked of killing? No body is worth bagging life for.

You always seem against posters who suggest divorce/separation in such circumstances...

It's well