₦airaland Forum

The man is still strong at 50+. Kudos!

This can't end well.

He can easily toss this new 'wife' away. This happened in my church years ago. A long-standing member left her husband and disappeared with the children.

She did not tell most people why.

The man then married a fellow leader's daughter.

Less than 2 years later, he tossed this new 'wife' away and married an even younger woman from work.

Another possibility is that this new wife can kill him and claim to be the next of kin (won't work as his first wife is the only legally married wife).

True if you are a fellow nonbeliever.

For believers, prayer is actually an action.

mariahAngel:
Women have truly suffered!


" Don't complain! Suck it up and bear it!" Says the world

Sigh!

I feel your pain.

The fact is many men are advised against bringing their wives ' mothers for Omugwo especially if they are having issues. The fear is that unnecessary issues will arise if the mom is staying in the same house. It may become a 2 v 1 situation during the issues/arguments.

It takes a strong man to be able to not care if his mother-in-law stays with him. I can tell you from experience that an uncle has to take some calls with his family outside the house.


Using emotion to get your way can come off as you trying to be manipulative. Have you tried to make a logical case for why a mom, especially your mom should come? Can you do an offer of 3 months for your mom then 3 months for his mom?

The logical method may fail though since he believes in Native doctors.

Please try and go for counseling, the proportion of failed marriages among immigrants in this abroad is increasing.

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

LOUD IT.


If I want to buy cow, I can go to the market.

At this point, I don't think I will do traditional marriage. Court all the way.

bizme:
Ahahahaha. Cheap or expensive Igbo wives, a sale is a sale.

Why must anyone collect anything in the first place in the name of marriage list just because your daughter is getting married? Whether you call it dowry or you call it marriage list, the money is coming from the groom's pocket. Do you disrespect your daughters so much as to be exchanging her for a list of material things? Call it tradition to make yourself feel good, but it is just another display of greed and entitlement on the part of the bride's family.

If you must collect anything as part of the marriage list, collect as much as you want and hand it over to the new couple to start life with instead of camouflaging your greed as tradition. Any family who so brazenly displays greed on the account of their daughter getting married lacks shame.

I know a friend who told me that she paid for access to seamstresses in Nigeria.

I don't know how to get to the tailors though.

Chii59:
I'm interested oooo

Could she apply for a scholarship abroad? Can an NGO back her & set up a foundation for people with similar problems?

Check fiverr.com

You may be able to type, write, maybe even sew.

Some Africans abroad regularly order clothes from tailors in Nigeria/Ghana.

Could you sew for someone abroad or work for someone with such a contract/contacts?

husseinaaa:
am a good tailor, I use tailoring to survive and care for myself but since last year I have been saving to buy a sewing machine but I can't afford it.
I beg people to help me buy one, so I can begin my work I believe in you and I trust I will find my helper by the grace of God help a sister please.
if you have any work I can do for you in return please let me know.

Are their churches still considered christian?

I recently met a Mama's boy at 32. I was shocked.

This guy talks to his mother more than his (now ex) girlfriend.

The girl had to go after 6 months.

The guy was very good in most ways except this Mama's boy thing plus a few other boyish traits.

Chii59:
The boy really acted like one. Few months into your marriage, you're already talking about separation? Which woman won't take it to heart?
Reminds me of another boy who told his wife, she wasn't his first choice, just that the woman he wanted didn't want him. I remember that post.
Silly. Immature. Juvenile. Boys.

He ain't psychiatric, just wants to play for the other team.

laluski:
Nairaland keeps getting new and bored psychiatric patients by the day

I didn't even read that part.

DEmejioba1, never make a threat you are not ready to keep.

Chii59:
Mtchew. Who gave his daughter to this boy?

Thankfully, people can choose how their relationships and marriages will be.

Those who want to be Lord and master (even though they are easily controlled by their wives), should expect Lord and master treatment.

Those of us that want equitable partnerships expect equitable treatment.

Chii59:
I don't believe financial responsibility should be shared equally in a patriarchal family. Wanna be the Lord and master? Bear the weight. His money belongs to the family, my money belongs to me.
But then as you said, it's not the reality. Las Las, the woman becomes the sacrificial lamb, the glue that holds the house together.

Sometimes love grows on you.

Have you and this lady had any kind of relationship before?

It is good to marry your friend because marriage lasts a lot longer than the wedding.

Please note that if you do try to work out a relationship with this girl, who is already your friend, you HAVE to be serious about it.

Franky, the relationship can only end for SERIOUS reasons.

wahoom:
Hi Fellow Nairalanders,

I have been trusting God for a spouse for a while now. I have prayed and fasted and even did all that is expected of me but unfortunately haven't been that lucky in relationships.

However, on the 1st of January, 2020,, I fell into a short trance where i saw myself with a lady in a thanksgivings procession in church. In that trance i felt an unspeakable joy and supernatural peace which lasted hours after the trance.

The lady in question was someone i met online but we had only met once prior to that time, however, we are very close as we chat almost every other day and had got to know a lot about each other online.

I wasn't too comfortable with the trance i had as i wasn't the physically attracted to the lady.

In April 2020, I had a dream where the lady visited me in my family house and my parents and siblings bonded well with her and in that dream my mum said quite a lot of postives about her and I also had that same supernatural peace I had in the trance even hours after waking up from sleep.

So, I started working on my emotions to like and accept her but each time i tried I hate her the more.

Recently, I told my mum about her and she said exactly everything she told me in the dream in verbatim. I was quite shocked and felt it could be divine and that got me working seriously through prayers and also trying to adjust my emotions to accommodate her but each time I see her, I just have hatred for her as I'm not in anyway attracted to her. I'm not feeling her, no excitement, no butterflies in the stomach, no longings to hang out with her, not even sexual attractions, everything is just flat.

So, I eventually decided to withdraw from her even though i felt there's this divine compulsion or better still divine leading that she's my wife.

Folks, please i need your help here.

Hence, this question, CAN GOD LEAD YOU TO MARRY SOMEONE YOU DON'T LOVE OR ATTEACTED TO?

It is easy to say this but this is not the reality.

Across socioeconomic 'classes' and since women have been working, financial responsibility has been shared.

Chii59:
The average Nigerian man wants to be seen and respected as the head of the family. And as such, the BULK of the financial load rests on his shoulders.
Tell them "gender equality" they get offended. Let them bear the bulk of the weight, afterall na head them be.

Why the lamenting?

Face your own love life.

Leave them alone.

Handywork:
what a shame
and the Buffoon is proud to say it publicly
and a fellow guy will Bleep this one and still cum...
I just laugh cus your gay story won't last

Loud it!!

BigSarah:
Live and love your truth .... No one should be despised with whatever they do with their Dingle

LOL. Naija bloggers have been mentioning his name for a while now.

Good on him.

People should mind their business.

He said he wanted a 60 k apartment that he could afford, she is the one that pushed for 100k.

Why are they not sharing the expense? He brings 60k and she brings 40k?

Rushna27:
with all dat u ave explained, to me u are guilty ooo... where are d families dat sponsored ur wedding now, are dey experiencing all dis with you? u borrowed money from madam for an apartment of her choice without considering u bin able to sustain it..... u need to be man enough and stand ur ground on wot u can afford without bin at anyone's mercy.. well, u can keep yielding to her satisfaction if she is taking d responsibility of the head of the family.. in asmuch as u shud not disregard her opinion u too shud not fail in realising wot u can afford... two good heads are better than one not just a head ooooo... Goodluck.. and moreover, always know dat every marriage gat it's own horrible side but we all package it to make it work out.. fight for ur marriage if u wants it .Goodluck

TIL...

Wives are things to be purchased.

RisenPhoenix1:
I saw it earlier, but didn't want to grace it with a response if not for your mention. I'm actually speechless as to how to advise him. The op is the author of all his misfortunes, yet he's wondering whether he married the right woman. A woman is how you train her. Let me write out an analogy and tell me how you will advice such a person. Here goes:

I bought a brand new Toyota Hilux, tear rubber on credit. I've still not been able to pay the seller and he keeps incessantly reminding me of my debt, even though he gave me a receipt in advance.

I don't like to check the water levels in my radiator, and sometimes when I do and there's no water, the tap is too far from my garage so I'll drive it without topping the water. Recently it started overheating, that was what first got me thinking.

Brake oil is too expensive, so I don't gauge the brake oil levels in my car. After two brake failures leading to accidents, I'm getting confused about what to do.

I forgot to put engine oil inside my car after I drained the sump, and my engine knocked. Now it's not even moving at all,and the cost is prohibitive.

All these incidents make me wonder whether Toyota Hilux is the right car for me at all. Please advise.

1,2,3...go.

You need deliverance.

ebosed:
You give woman sperm, she process and give you a child. Never speak carelessly, Never promise her anything, cause she won't forget. Don't talk and do. Do and talk.

Your wife is trying to boost your self-esteem, appreciate her. And pay her money. If you borrow from bank or friends, don't you payback with Interest?

Double your hustle

Did she marry herself?

Are you living in the apartment with yourself?

Family means partnership.

You two are supposed to SHARE the burden of living.

Did you guys know each other before marriage?

DEmejioba1:
I got married in 2018,since then I have been battling with some unimaginable experiences with my wife even when I thought I married to a religious lady.

To cut the story short,

Prior to our marriage, things was not so good enough for me but because of age consideration of both of us we decided to wed with the help of our families.

The first thing that happened which caught me thinking afterward was that during our make up to wedding,my wife insisted that she's receiving 50k dowry which she knew I wouldn't be able to get it just shortly before the wedding. I told her that there is no way I could afford it then that she should reduce it may be to 20k, she said I should not worry that things will be sorted out. A day to the wedding she told me that when it's segment for dowry collection that she would pronounce that she had collected it. I said no problem. Since then I have not been able to pay it because she wants full cash. Now, any slide misunderstanding she refers to it.

Secondly, immediately after the marriage,I was left with 60k which I thought we would manage to get a room and a parlour apartment for a start, just to do according to my pocket in my present rent house. But my wife insisted that we should let 2 bedroom flat at 100k but knowing fully that my source of income would not maintain it couple with other obligations that I would be discharging. She said, she would lend me 40k.
Thank God I was able to pay her the money. But still thinking over wasteful of almost 50k,while 150k can secure a land for bulding house in my area.

Thirdly, few months after our marriage. We were having misunderstanding and I carelessly said if the marriage can not work it better we go our separate ways, my wife holds on this statement and continue saying that she just need me to say it twice more and the marriage is over.

But I used to think over all these with other ones that I cant write, then, I ask myself if truly she loves me or may be am with wrong person.

What is your thought about this?

I hope the guy is marrying the woman and not her entire family.

I also hope she is not too young.

merieam16:
So after the wedding, he stops being her father abi...

I guess there's no joy in making love with your non-virgin spouse (a majority of people).

Enugupikin:
He should relax for the two months, if he has waited this far why can't he wait more,
There is this joy of making love to your virgin wife on the wedding night

1. Quite childish post tbh (All boobs eventually sag).

2. How can you be married to someone you didn't know beforehand? Was there any courtship?

So his solution to not having checks and balances in his house is to begin treating his domestic staff like shit?

If he does so, we will still drag him online.

What do you think you can do?

No be your life. Protect them from overzealous people who will try to take advantage of them.

Stop destroying other people's properties

Don't go about destroying other people's properties.

Nna, you dey run resto for house?

Akeem79:
What's boiled egg doing inside your stew
By the way no corry leaves in your stew



lunch

Madam poco, did someone tell you the way to everyone's heart is by their stomach?

Your food threads always look good!

clap!

pocohantas:
Stew...