₦airaland Forum

Looking for Socks

A Mexican visiting the United States goes into a store to buy a pair of socks. He speaks no English and the clerk doesn't know a word of Spanish.

Through pantomime, the Mexican tries to explain what he needs, without much success.

The clerk brings out shoes, then tries sneakers, then slippers, then laces, all to no avail.

Finally, he brings out a pair of socks and the Mexican exclaims, "Eso si que es!"

Says the exasperated clerk, "Well, for crying out loud. If you could spell it, why didn't you say so in the first place"?

Well said mamaput.
@sundaqueen
how will you explain the source of your savings and investments when the police arrests - they eventually will - your
husband. Truth is, you will be picked up also and your children will suffer for it.
What to do? Ask him again, about your fears since you are his wife; if he still doesn't trust you enough to talk,
tell his folks about your fears and if he remains adamant, get your self outta the marriage before the police come calling.
As mamaput said, bloodmoney aint good business and you sure can do without it.
I sense you are not a praying person, so goodluck

@topic
What's the big deal about that? Lagos is not a Yoruba State and Tinubu is not from Lagos State, but majority of the
exec are Yorubas. The cabinet should be a pot pourri, then we can applaud. It can only be news worth applauding
if the regional govs appoint people from other States into their exco. I see Tinubu's action as political - but then, it's a beginning.

Child for Ransom

A blonde woman was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child for ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park by 7a.m. Signed, The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was a note.

"Here is the money. I can't believe you'd do this to a fellow blonde."

At last, good to know that there are some in the house that can get the joke.
I-love, for someone who is new, u sure are one smart lady.
@iice
would have been surprised if u didn't. Hope u r cool

@shahan

I lied out of fear, truancy, when I needed something badly, to impress, and for varied other reasons.
However, I have since learn't that lying is not good business because time is when one will tell one lie too many.
But then, as shahan said, it takes the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ to live a decent, transparent and honest lifestyle.
I remain grateful to God for the blood of the lamb that washed me who was once a vain and vile offender.

@trini girl,
why do you take delight in reading meanings to simple and straight posts? And it does appear that you get offended
easily, in which case you proceed to 'rain' abuses and go for such a person's jugular. As we say in Nigeria, your stance appears
to be 'if you tarka me, I will daboh you' (Matt 5:46-48; 1Peter 3:10-12 is quite instructive for us christians)
I no doubt realise, that this could raise your ire and earn me your now 'famous' counters. But then,

go to wap.jolon.org
then select 'Go Bible KJV 2.0.1' - it is free and downloadable. No strings attached.
The size is 1.4mb

Not So Dumb

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son"? The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you"? said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill"?

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."

O gosh what a beansy surprise

Dr. Carver

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon, he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer"?

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel"?

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.

He asked, "What are you doing to my wife"?

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can’t get my instrument bag op

A Little Math

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So, he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes
for Junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester, Junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk.

"Well, boy, you been at school for three months now. I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."

So, Junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula. Pi r squared."

At hearing this, the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why, everybody knows pie are round. Cornbread are squared!"


Resolutions You Can Keep

1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.

2.) Read less.

3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.

4.) Watch more TV.

5.) Procrastinate more.

6.) Start being superstitious.

7.) Spend more time at work.

8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.

9.) Sleep more.

10.) Start a new bad habit.


To Be Six Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to the Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park. The Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster. Everything there was.

Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie. He got her popcorn, a soda pop and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again"?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"


Johnny Goes to School

Teacher: "What is actually used as a conductor of electricity"?

Johnny: "Why, er"?

Teacher: "Wire is right. Very good. Now, tell me, what is the unit of electrical power"?

Johnny: "The what"?

Teacher: "That's absolutely correct, the watt. Now, class, you should all study diligently, like Johnny here."


Right On Target

An FBI marksman was passing through a small town. Everywhere he looked, he saw evidence of the most amazing marksmanship. Every tree, wall and fence sported numerous bull's-eyes with a bullet hole dead center.

The marksman asked one of the locals if he could meet the person responsible for this incredible accuracy.

"Oh, you don't want to talk to him. He's the village idiot."

Nevertheless, the marksman persisted and was introduced to the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the agent. "How in the world do you do it"?

"Nothing to it! I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."


1962 Maserati

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what"? to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage.

"Vic," I said. "You're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati"?

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat.

"Yes," he replied. "Oil."


Locked Out

I recently saw a distraught young lady standing beside her car.

"Do you need some help"? I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker," she explained, exasperated. "Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a convenience store a couple blocks down) would have a battery to fit this"?

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too"? I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me to inspect.

I took the key and manually unlocked the door. "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."

How to Call the Police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house"? and he said "no." Then they said that all the patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



Backseat Driver

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm, ma'am. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard," he said. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

Iced Down Car

This guy drives up to his house and the place where he usually parks is full of snow. So, he parks in a nearby parking lot and walks back home to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house.

It takes hours to shovel, but finally done, he walks back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.

What most people do is write nasty notes, etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Police sometimes get involved, however, when the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.

So, this guy decides to get creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty note, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water of course froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized popsicle.

The note on the car read, "You want the space? Here. It's yours until spring!"


10 Ways to Handle a Telemarketer

10.) When they ask, "How are you today"?, tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

9.) If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8.) Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been"? Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where in the world she could know you from.

7.) If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend"?

6.) If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5.) Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask them if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4.) After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3.) Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home number, say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right"? The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say goodbye and hang up.

2.) Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma"?

1.) First and foremost, tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down


Alligator Shoes

A blonde was on vacation in the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

As the shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement, the blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Rats! This one's barefoot too!"

End of the Pack

A man sped down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, when he passed a patrol car, it pulled out behind him, lights flashing.

The police officer handed him a citation, took the driver's signature and was starting to walk away when the man said, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. Plenty of other drivers around me were going just as fast. Why did I get a ticket"?

"Ever go fishing"? the policeman asked.

"Um, yeah," the startled man replied.

"Ever catch all the fish"?

Guest Speaker

At the commencement ceremonies of Yale University, the Dean steps up to the podium and introduces the guest speaker, who is an alumnus of Yale.

The guest begins his speech by saying, “Yale, Y-A-L-E. Those letters stand for Youth, Ambition, Leadership and Enthusiasm.”

He then proceeds to speak for 15 minutes on youth, 30 minutes on ambition, 45 minutes on leadership and one hour on enthusiasm.

When the guest is finished speaking, the Dean returns to the podium and says, “Well, I think we should all be thankful that our illustrious alumnus did not attend the Massachusetts Institute of Technology!"

Early Christmas Shopping/ The wrong Way

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with"?

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping"?

"Before the store opened."

The Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman. "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Let Me Down Easy

The older brother was on vacation in Europe and his younger brother called him
and said, "Your cat died."

The older brother is in tears. "I loved that cat. I've had that cat for 20 years. You can't just blurt out bad news on the phone like that. You need to let me know gradually. You should have called and told me the cat was on the roof or something. Then the next day, tell me the cat still won't come down. Then after you slowly work up to it, you can tell me the cat died."

The younger brother apologizes and says he'll learn to be more sensitive in the future.

"By the way," the older brother adds, "How's Mom"?

After a long silence, the younger brother says, "She's up on the

@hitochris
you dont need an IP add & password to browse. The parameters I gv earlier are enuff.
If still in difficulty, call mr babagana on 08044195519.
When pple 'bombard' them, perhaps they will do the right thing. Cheers

U dont need a dialup number @adewale, ur mobile pc suite (of ur installation software) normally comes with a mobile networking wizard. Follow d wizard guidelines. I browse with both Mtel & celtel but Mtel is faster. Call me on 08023243997 & I will link u up if u run into probs @hayprof. Got d info thru a friend there. Told him the need 4 customer service 2 handle the same. Hope they will heed

I suppose it should - you can give it try. Mine is working free.
Presently, I'm using the mobile gprs tp 'powerr' my laptop in surfing the net -an
exhilarating experience.

Hey guys, Mtel wap is cool. have you tried it? Just got the settings from one of their
people and can't help but share with fellow Nairalanders

Access point name (APN): apn1.mtel.ng
connect using: mtelgprs
After configuring the same, switch your phone off and back on again

Don't know if it works with ur phone, but I use sony ericsson k608i.
Goodluck

foolish, asinine, idiots, from a xtian.
Great language girl - keep it up

Dear Kimba,
I bet the good ol lady just wanna 'show' us that she is a christian after her apparent gaffe on marital sex/fornication.
You should not expect any response here - just a face saving thread, I think
Cheers

Many thanks babyosisi 4 ur post. Just Got me recovered from the daze arising from the topic. E tu trini?
These are indeed strange times.

Trini girl, sure wish u would hv the patience 2 go thru his thread (in this forum) on 'why I am no longer a xtian'
Perhaps then u'll understand his antagonism. Also blve you'd learn a few things there also. i did
Be cool

Trini girl, sure wish u would hv the patience 2 go thru his thread on 'why I am no longer a xtian'
Perhaps then u'll understand his antagonism. Also blve you'd learn a few things there also. i did
Be cool

Seun, all wickedness bothers God. Dont know where u got ur info from, david sure reaped wot he sowed eventually; but then I suppose we shd wait 4 ur new thread. Would be interesting(?)- i'm sure
I've noticed that u r sincere-tho sincerely wrong

Should women preach? Yes. The command to go ye is to everyone - women, men and this includes adults, youths and children

Should women preach? Yes. The command to go ye is to everyone - women, men and this includes adults, youths and children

Dear Seun, God hates and punishes evil-including murder even if u r a man after His heart. God is not partial.
David rcvd divine judgment 4 his wickedness 4 which he cried in repentance (Ps 51)
God also is merciful to a penitent sinner.
Isaiah 1: 18-20

@segoye
Why debate the destination of the dead? Shouldnt we rather like David (in Ps 139: 23,24) cry out 2 heaven:
Search me O God, and see if there be any wicked way in me, & lead me in the way everlasting.
God have mercy upon us 4 we r no better. Amen